Just a couple of thoughts

Weather you are in a relationship with a survivor or exiting such one
of the key questions I think people may need to consider is "Why do I
need this person so much?" I feel that often it is our own broken
bits that either get us into a relationship with a survivor or keep
us there when we are in an unhealthy relationship. I have discovered
that the women I am most attracted too are women who appear outwardly
strong but that I sense have deeper issues. Something in me is
attracted to being a co-dependent enabler of unreconciled survivors.
I have a fantasy of being the hero and rescuing the princess from her
castle of abuse damage. Part of the reason I have not left my wife
is that I recognised I most probably would end up in a relationship
with another survivor!

Having said that I have come to a point where I will put in bottom
lines in terms of behaviour and working at her issues. If she is
violent again towards me or our children (I'm talking physically,
verbally and emotionally) she knows I will leave and take our girls
with me. For a long time I did not put in these bottom lines because
I was too fearful of being able to cope without her to look after.
It's kind of weird eh?

I have found that it is not just the sex I miss (and boy there are
times I have missed that!!.) I have come to realise how positive an
intimate relationship can be, physically, emotionally and
spiritually. In my experience they just cannot trust you (really
anyone) enough to let you in until they have integrated there abuse
into their life and become reconciled with it. Having said that my
wife has been going to therapy seriously for about five years and we
now share much more than we uses too. In fact sometimes it is my
lack of trust that slows things down.

Another thing I have come to realise is that the children of
survivors are sometime seriously harmed by the survivor, and/or the
unhealthy dynamics in the relationship and/or the relationship
ending. What really turned me around was being told by a counsellor
that my oldest at 11 was totally stressed out by her mothers rage,
our (the parents) unhealthy relationship dynamics and fear that the
family was going to fall apart. At the same time I was doing an
assignment for a counselling course and was asked about it by a work
colleague. When I told her it was about the lack of support
available for partners of survivors she said "what about the rest of
us" (meaning the children of survivors). She then proceeded to tell
of the pain of having a survivor in denial mother. While she know
understands why her Dad left the relationship, she told me how its
slow collapse was extremely painful for the children.

I guess what I am saying is it might be okay to get yourself into a
relationship on the basis it might not work out, but I wonder how
fair it is to children to bring them into the middle of such a
relationship. Please think long and hard about having children as
their presence complicates the situation immensely. (That has been my
experience can anyone else comment on how it has affected their
kids?).

Cheers Ed