--- In positivepartnersofsurvivors@yahoogroups.com, "edduggan62"
<edduggan62@...> wrote:
>
> Hi all
>
> I have been reading this website for a couple of years and I hear
so
> many echos of my own pain. I have been married 24 years and my
> partner is a survivor of childhood sexual abuse compounded by the
> illness of her mother. We had always had a pretty mediocre sex
> life. Once her mother died it evaporated to once every three
> months. I had often though the problem was mine because she always
> said I was just a horney teenager. As I was not coping with it all
I
> went to a counsellor who really helped me to see that it wasn't all
> my fault. After a couple of years I got to the point where I said
go
> to counselling or I am leaving. This was the hardest thing to do
as
> we have three lovely daughters who I wanted to have a stable home
> life. Ironically later I saw how unstable it had been. After a
> couple of councellors my partner found a counsellor that worked and
> started to work through the issues. Our sex life died during this
> period so I was celebate for two years. Her behaviour also became
> erratic and there was constant screaming and tantrums that was very
> tramatic for me and the girls. A year ago she knocked me out with
a
> book. It took me a couple of weeks to get over the shock of being
> knocked out and then I said if both the physical & psychological
> abuse did not stop I would leave and take the kids. This time it
was
> much easier to do because I had become aware at how much both me
and
> my girls were being harmed by the RAGE survivours seem to think is
> their right to have. Again this made her take stock and things
> settled down and we started to have a more intimate life both
> physically and emotionally. I wished I had stood up to her anger
> much earlier. We are getting along better now however some times
> things trigger her and I find myself and the girls shut out. Now we
> can talk about it and it takes less time for her to open up.
>
> I still get frustrated at times especially with an attitude I find
> prevalent with the majority of survivors. Its the "You didn't get
> abused as a child so what's your problem" or "Nothing you experince
> can be a horrific as what I have been through" While there may be
> some truth in that statement I feel many partners take a heap of
> abuse from survivors especially in that rage stage and this abuse
can
> be harmful. Even before I knew what the problem was I had come to
> believe that I was both unattractive and "over sexed" due to the
> unfair critisium and blame I had recieved over the first few years
of
> our marriage.
>
> I sometime wonder what it would be like to collate a book with some
> of the feelings and experinces of partners. I know books like
> Haunted Marrage, Ghosts in the Bedroom, and Allies in Healing
helped
> me understand what was going on and gave me permission to stick up
my
> hand and say "Hoi I'm hurting too you know". I just wonder what it
> would be like to have a book with 100 partners giving little
vinettes
> of both good & bad times.
>
> What do you all think. Do you think it would have given you
support
> to know that 100 others out there have suffered too? Lets face it
> with 1 in 3 women and 1 in 5 men being survivors means there must
be
> millions of partners out there experiencing some of the same stuff
we
> all have.
>
> Cheers Ed
>
Hi Ed. I just recently posted. Got ya beat by 6 years. (30 for me)
I think we should get some type of medal or token for years served,
don't you? \
I like your idea of accummulating the experiences of others. Reading
those posted here have caused me so many emotions: good and bad.
There seems to be 2 camps when it comes to staying with a spouse.
Get the hell out and save yourself, if you don't, you're as sick as
they are and must like it OR Hang in there. You have stayed
because you are attached in a way others won't understand. You are
there for a reason, and, maybe that reason is to help them--whatever
it entails. \
I love my husband, when I can find him. I know, with all he's been
through, and is going through again in his therapy, there are many
sides to his personality that are hiding, or even protecting the
kind, intelligent, humorous, and creative human being he is and meant
to be.
Take care
ML