Well, here we go--
We are giving it one last shot, (famous last words) after 30 years of
living with a male survivor of sexual abuse/incest and God knows what
else. We have 3 children, ages 22, 20 and 18. Our 20 year-old son ha
been diagnosed as Bi-Polar II with psychotic disorders. He has been
having auditory and visual hallucinations since he was a child. We
almost lost him 3 years ago, but, after months of rehab and, FINALLY,
a psychiatric treatment center, he is okay and living on his own. Our
daughter, 22, is trying to get into graduate school with a degree in
psychology, with a specialty in psychosexual disorders. Our youngest
just graduated from high school and is dealing with depression.
Meahwhile, my husband, who is 56, is in therapy for the 3rd time. Has
stayed with this therapist for 7 months now and it appears she is the
one he needed. He stopped going to his last therapist shortly after
the abuse was remembered. I suppose he just wasn't ready to deal with
the nightmare that was his life. There were other issues in his
decision, regarding the therpist and my involvement in the therapy,
that, franky, when I look back on it, I realize was not ethical.
We have discussed separating, at least until this part of therapy is
over (I know it will NEVER be over) but, financially, this would be
extremely difficult.
After 30 years,the pattern is so obvious as to how his history affects
his views and actions in life.
It is also obvious as to how I enable it all.
Our problem is mainly finances. In all these years, we get to a point
where things are going well, then he starts making mistakes, not
paying bills, buying things we don't need and can't afford, borrowing
from friends and family.
Everything was always hidden from me until, when I would find out, it
was too late to try and remedy the situation. We've lost our house,
had a car repossesed and I've answered our door to find someone I
don't know demanding money that is owed.
There are some sexaul issues,too, but, thank God, not major.
The pain and humiliation has turned me into a thin, depressed, angry,
agoraphobic mess. And I teach middle school. Oy.
Financially, in the last year, things are very good, but I knew, from
past experiences, that if I didn't take some kind of action, it would
all fall apart again. It's as though he has been programmed to fail-be
the victim. But his family becomes the victim, as well. He says that
I and his children are his life and what keeps him alive. My daughter
told me yesterday that hearing that is a load she doesn't need.
So, I gave him the option of doing what we need to do or it's over. He
agreed. But it didn't last 6 months. We had tax issues that he tried
to hide from me, but I found the paperwork and confronted him with it.
What's frustrating is that it really wasn't a BIG deal, but he still
couln't be honest about it. He cannot be truthful when confronted.
I realize now, when he is confronted, he turns into that little kid
who will do and say anything to get out of the situation. He just now
realized this in therapy and it was very hard for him to tell me this,
but he did share having to use this tactic to avoid being raped on 2
occasions. He even mentioned names of men I don't know.
He was incested by his brother, who is now dead. His mother was a
mess. She had men at their house (or, as my husband was told "uncles")
all the time, while his father worked 2 jobs. I feel, in my gut, that
his mother was responsible for the abuse, including her 2 sons when it
came to sex with the "uncles". Of course, I have not shared this
feeling with him.
My husband is in such a delicate place, and I am in such an angry one.
I journal all my thoughts because all the hurt and anger that I have
kept bottled up all these years is now just exploding. I have also
gotten to the point where I don't believe anything he says and I am
suspicious about everything. And I know why--it's the cycle that has
to be broken.
His therapy is at a critical point right now--he is reliving it all
and I know is having flashbacks that, I believe, result in the
appearance of alters. I know and have seen 3.
I am finally seeing his therapist this week, and will start therapy,
as well.
Now that I'm done with all that, I have 2 questions and would
appreciate any feedback.
His therapist, besides being a family/couple therapist, is one of the
few we could find that has any kind of specialty training in male
incest survivors. I can see having couple therapy with her, but:
1. Should I have a different therapist for myself?
2, Do I tell her about the alters?
Thanks for letting me unload. It's been awhile. Good thoughts are
appreciated.
mlek

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