You two could certainly continue as in past relationships in the
hopes that neither of you bring about any triggers in each other, but
if this a relationship that you want to extend long term both you and
him will require counselling at both an individual and at a couples
level.

Counselling in these circustances is usually a continous work in
progress; there is never really a time when the problem is solved -
so to speak. It might be helpful to go back to some of the work he
said he already started from previous treatment and start from there.



--- In positivepartnersofsurvivors@yahoogroups.com, "Levita"
<lovinlevitaloca@...> wrote:
>
> I'm not really sure how this group works, but I ned
helpunderstanding
> my husband aversion to sexual relations.
>
> When me met, he told me about his childhood abuse by a family
> member. He described his long term counceling, and how he
> recovered. I knew he had had several long term partners, but had
> never married. I knew he had trust issues. We ased our
relationship
> on friendship long before we became intimate with each other.
>
> Once we were intimate, he gave no indication that he had a
problem.
> I did notice that he did not connect sex and marraige have an
> emotional connection as well as sexual. Everything seemed to be
raw
> sex in his mind.
>
> After several months, he had a revelation of why he did not want
sex
> with me. He related my size and aggressiveness to his abuser.
>
> I love this man so much. I don't want to damage our relationship
or
> lose him. Yet, I am having a hard time staying celebate while
lying
> next to him and sharing our heartaches and joys. I don't look at
> other men and have not had any thoughts of going out on him. My
> dilema is an internal fight of what I need and what he needs.
>
> I try very hard to understand his fears and memory flashes. I
can't
> seem to get over the thought that I have to change my physical
> appearan for him to desire me. Let me add that I have not changed
> weight at all since we met. I am a survivor of physical and mental
> abuse from a 17 year marrige. I realize some of my fears are based
> on what my first husband did to me, but I don't know how to
overcome
> this gap in our relationship.
>
> Can anyone help?
>
>
> --- In positivepartnersofsurvivors@yahoogroups.com, "grnmtnfriend"
> <grnmtnfriend@> wrote:
> >
> > Wow, I found this site after starting to read "Allies in
Healing".
> While the site has allot of
> > good partners, and helpful messages, I note that it seems to be
> just hanging with few
> > postings. I hope that this is not the case.
> >
> > Well, here goes, I am not sure who or what I would be classified,
> friend, lover, partner or
> > what. Maybe a little of all the above, someone who wants to
improve
> myself while
> > partnering where or if I can.
> >
> > Mine is a simple story, I love people, like to be a positive
> influence. I met the most terrific
> > person a few years ago, I wasn't looking to fall in love but it
> sort of crept in. Stared slow,
> > built up to this point. She brings a smile to my face, a tear to
my
> eye at times and allot of
> > frustration.
> >
> > Initially, physical contact was better than great, the best. She
> seemed strong where others
> > would not be able. She maintained a household raising three
> children by herself and
> > seemed to always be in a constant conflict with two dads. She is
> really smart in so many
> > ways.
> >
> > As we got closer, I believe she shared (verified by many of her
> family) what she never
> > shared with others. As time went on and we got closer it was
clear
> that this was something
> > more than a fling, something that I never felt before. I think it
> was for her also, at one
> > point this woman who seemed so strong, had a emotional breakdown,
> sought short term
> > treatment, and realized that she was in a cycle for most of her
> life with problems in
> > relationships, budgeting, and finishing things (reaching goals).
> She also realized that in
> > her early teens a Doctor who she had seen did things a Dr. should
> not ever do. She
> > remembered that her mother didn't believe her, her sister who was
> also a victim said get
> > over it and others didn't know or didn't want to know. She
realized
> that many of her cycles
> > in life are related partially due to this abuse. She has
survived,
> and survived well for the
> > most part. She has since learned that the Dr. while receiving a
> small slap on the hand,
> > moved to Penn. where he is still practicing. This is what has
> consumed her for the past two
> > years, with multiple staring points on holding him accountable,
> only to move on, and then
> > starting refocusing again, almost from ground zero.
> >
> > She has been told that she has PTSD and BPD but is like many of
us
> resists therapy
> > believing she can address herself. I have and will continue to
try
> to better myself and do
> > no harm to her. It is hard when the cycles with us, be there,
don't
> be there, help ( with
> > limits).
> >
> > I probably could go on for hours, but my intent is to see if this
> board has any life. My
> > desire now is not for answers but understanding to keep myself
> healthy, and yes help her
> > without pushing her or losing myself. It seems that as we get
> closer, we get further away.
> > She finds it harder to talk about what "us" is. I am so aware
that
> while I am different, I am
> > victim of subtle remarks that make me feel like the abuser over
> issues. Any advise?
> >
>