I'm not really sure how this group works, but I ned helpunderstanding
my husband aversion to sexual relations.

When me met, he told me about his childhood abuse by a family
member. He described his long term counceling, and how he
recovered. I knew he had had several long term partners, but had
never married. I knew he had trust issues. We ased our relationship
on friendship long before we became intimate with each other.

Once we were intimate, he gave no indication that he had a problem.
I did notice that he did not connect sex and marraige have an
emotional connection as well as sexual. Everything seemed to be raw
sex in his mind.

After several months, he had a revelation of why he did not want sex
with me. He related my size and aggressiveness to his abuser.

I love this man so much. I don't want to damage our relationship or
lose him. Yet, I am having a hard time staying celebate while lying
next to him and sharing our heartaches and joys. I don't look at
other men and have not had any thoughts of going out on him. My
dilema is an internal fight of what I need and what he needs.

I try very hard to understand his fears and memory flashes. I can't
seem to get over the thought that I have to change my physical
appearan for him to desire me. Let me add that I have not changed
weight at all since we met. I am a survivor of physical and mental
abuse from a 17 year marrige. I realize some of my fears are based
on what my first husband did to me, but I don't know how to overcome
this gap in our relationship.

Can anyone help?


--- In positivepartnersofsurvivors@yahoogroups.com, "grnmtnfriend"
<grnmtnfriend@...> wrote:
>
> Wow, I found this site after starting to read "Allies in Healing".
While the site has allot of
> good partners, and helpful messages, I note that it seems to be
just hanging with few
> postings. I hope that this is not the case.
>
> Well, here goes, I am not sure who or what I would be classified,
friend, lover, partner or
> what. Maybe a little of all the above, someone who wants to improve
myself while
> partnering where or if I can.
>
> Mine is a simple story, I love people, like to be a positive
influence. I met the most terrific
> person a few years ago, I wasn't looking to fall in love but it
sort of crept in. Stared slow,
> built up to this point. She brings a smile to my face, a tear to my
eye at times and allot of
> frustration.
>
> Initially, physical contact was better than great, the best. She
seemed strong where others
> would not be able. She maintained a household raising three
children by herself and
> seemed to always be in a constant conflict with two dads. She is
really smart in so many
> ways.
>
> As we got closer, I believe she shared (verified by many of her
family) what she never
> shared with others. As time went on and we got closer it was clear
that this was something
> more than a fling, something that I never felt before. I think it
was for her also, at one
> point this woman who seemed so strong, had a emotional breakdown,
sought short term
> treatment, and realized that she was in a cycle for most of her
life with problems in
> relationships, budgeting, and finishing things (reaching goals).
She also realized that in
> her early teens a Doctor who she had seen did things a Dr. should
not ever do. She
> remembered that her mother didn't believe her, her sister who was
also a victim said get
> over it and others didn't know or didn't want to know. She realized
that many of her cycles
> in life are related partially due to this abuse. She has survived,
and survived well for the
> most part. She has since learned that the Dr. while receiving a
small slap on the hand,
> moved to Penn. where he is still practicing. This is what has
consumed her for the past two
> years, with multiple staring points on holding him accountable,
only to move on, and then
> starting refocusing again, almost from ground zero.
>
> She has been told that she has PTSD and BPD but is like many of us
resists therapy
> believing she can address herself. I have and will continue to try
to better myself and do
> no harm to her. It is hard when the cycles with us, be there, don't
be there, help ( with
> limits).
>
> I probably could go on for hours, but my intent is to see if this
board has any life. My
> desire now is not for answers but understanding to keep myself
healthy, and yes help her
> without pushing her or losing myself. It seems that as we get
closer, we get further away.
> She finds it harder to talk about what "us" is. I am so aware that
while I am different, I am
> victim of subtle remarks that make me feel like the abuser over
issues. Any advise?
>