I think that it is great that you are able to put into words what you desire
from your husband. I think being able to do that is the first step to
helping him understand how he can support you. As the husband of a survivor
I have realized that the thought processes that I thought were driving the
actions and words of my wife were very different from what I think was
really going on inside her. It took almost a year of intense researching
and learning and communicating with other loved ones of survivors and
survivors to begin to understand the way she might perceive things in life
and in our marriage. I don't know how well I really understand her because
she does not open up at all, but things make a lot more sense now than they
did for the past years.



Men are not all that good at picking up non verbal cues and if you want him
to be there for you, you probably need to express it like you did in your
email. My guess is that he has an idea that something is hurting inside you
but he does not know how to support you. I would encourage him to educate
himself, either on his own or with you; if you are comfortable with it,
about the effects of childhood sexual abuse and the process that survivor's
must go through as they heal. The more he can understand about what you
have already been through and what you may have to go through in the future,
the better he can support you.



In my case for the first 7 years of marriage I was aware of my wife's past,
but totally oblivious to the fact that it could have such an impact on her
now and even the thought that it could be a cause of any issues that came up
felt like an excuse, and so I actively avoided the concept of what the
effects of abuse could be.



Since you avoid talking about it he may take that as a sign that he should
not talk about it and he may feel that learning about it would be offensive
to you. I think that letting him know that it comes up daily in your life
and that you would like him to learn more about it so that he can have real
compassion for what you are dealing with would be a great idea. It would
probably help him answer a lot of unasked questions about how to be there
for you. It will take time for him to learn and understand what it is like
for you because it is very different than the experiences someone has who
has not had to go through such traumatic events in their life, but talking
about it with him will speed that process up tremendously. Good luck.



From: positivepartnersofsurvivors@yahoogroups.com
[mailto:positivepartnersofsurvivors@yahoogroups.com] On Behalf Of
shadymoonlite
Sent: Monday, May 12, 2008 12:53 PM
To: positivepartnersofsurvivors@yahoogroups.com
Subject: [POS How to communicate?



Hey there

I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. I read the posts here in
an effort to try and understand how my husband could perceive
things, etc.

I don't consider my abuse history to play much of a role in my
current life (or so I perceive). I don't really talk about it or
bring it up, but sometimes I can see that I do do certain things the
way I do them, etc. because of my past.

Because I don't ever discuss it or anything, my husband seems
oblivious to the fact that I have a past of this kind. We spoke
about it when we first started dating, but I don't want to
constantly remind him of it.

It is on my mind at least once or twice a day, so perhaps just a
memory or feeling possibly being triggered by something, but it
isn't dibilitating, so I don't bring it up.

The issue for me though is that I would like the support of my
husband. You might ask, well what am I looking for if I say
support, and that is the problem, I don't really know. I feel
almost like I need him to acknowledge it and see it for what it is,
but again, what does that mean, and so I compulsivly ask these
questions to the point that I then don't raise them with him.

I would like to be able to say to him how I am feeling or when I
have a moment, to be able to say " I have a moment" and perhaps get
an UNDERSTANDING hug, not just a dutyful hug, but how do I
communicate my needs.

Any suggestions as partners?





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