edduggan62, great advise my man! It's good to see there are still a
few positive partners around.

--- In positivepartnersofsurvivors@yahoogroups.com, "edduggan62"
<edduggan62@...> wrote:
>
> "Do Not Lose Yourself or you are no good to your partner"
>
> This phrase beautifully sums up a partner roll. It is important
that
> your survivour has some boundaries to bump into as they help them
to
> move on from the effects of the abuse.
>
> For many years I accommodated what I now see as inappropriate
> behaviour towards me and my chidren from my partner. My standing
up
> for myself and my kids lead to a lot of positive (if painful)
growth
> for my partner. I had so often just let things go because
I "didn't
> have to cope with the childhood abuse". When I found myself again
I
> could see that I had to cope with the effects of the abuse on my
> partner. These included physical and emotional violence, non
> connection, pathologising of my "normal" sexual needs and guilt
> tripping that were a part of her eloaborate defense mechanisum to
> protect the inner child that had been abused and was very scared
of
> the adult me.
>
> I also found that when I worked on my issues and resolved them it
> invited my partner to grow also.
>
> You cannot take on the responsibility for growth that she needs to
> do. You can only ensure you keep youself okay and communicate
your
> very real need for a intimate relationship (sex, touch, sharing
> emotions, hopes, dreams & fears).
>
> In my opinion being the partner of a survivor can be just as
> difficult as being a survivor. I know a lot of survivors would
not
> agree with this statement and a lot of partners who would agree
with
> it! The pain caused by the survivors behaviours driven by the
> survivors need for control and saftey are real hurts that can be
> extreamly painful and scaring.
>
> My advice to you would be to think very hard if you want to take
on
> this role as it won't be fixed overnight (timeframes are often in
> years). If you end up having children the situation becomes way
more
> complicated.
>
> I would suggest asking youself "what in me needs to be attached to
> her?" What in me needs to be "in love with her"? What in me is
drawn
> to this hurting person? Are these attractions healthy or are they
> indicating some unbalanced needs internally that may bind me into
an
> unhealthy co dependant/enabling relationship?. What do I really
want
> in life and out of this relationship? What would I do if my
partner
> has not healed significantly in a years time, 5 years, 10 years? I
> would suggest going to a counsellor to work through these sort of
> questions and help you discover if your have lost parts of
yourself
> in this relationship.
>
> Don't get me wrong I into committed lifelong relationships and
such
> relationships involve self sacrifice. Self sacrifice only works
if
> you are concious of what you are sacrifcing and choosing to make
that
> sacrifice. In my experience partners often make a lot of
sacrifice
> without realising it and the effects on who they are. Its kinda
> paradoxical, you can only love another person and do self
sacrifice
> if you first love youself and keep you intact.
>
> Enough ravings from a partner. Good luck Bro
>