"Do Not Lose Yourself or you are no good to your partner"

This phrase beautifully sums up a partner roll. It is important that
your survivour has some boundaries to bump into as they help them to
move on from the effects of the abuse.

For many years I accommodated what I now see as inappropriate
behaviour towards me and my chidren from my partner. My standing up
for myself and my kids lead to a lot of positive (if painful) growth
for my partner. I had so often just let things go because I "didn't
have to cope with the childhood abuse". When I found myself again I
could see that I had to cope with the effects of the abuse on my
partner. These included physical and emotional violence, non
connection, pathologising of my "normal" sexual needs and guilt
tripping that were a part of her eloaborate defense mechanisum to
protect the inner child that had been abused and was very scared of
the adult me.

I also found that when I worked on my issues and resolved them it
invited my partner to grow also.

You cannot take on the responsibility for growth that she needs to
do. You can only ensure you keep youself okay and communicate your
very real need for a intimate relationship (sex, touch, sharing
emotions, hopes, dreams & fears).

In my opinion being the partner of a survivor can be just as
difficult as being a survivor. I know a lot of survivors would not
agree with this statement and a lot of partners who would agree with
it! The pain caused by the survivors behaviours driven by the
survivors need for control and saftey are real hurts that can be
extreamly painful and scaring.

My advice to you would be to think very hard if you want to take on
this role as it won't be fixed overnight (timeframes are often in
years). If you end up having children the situation becomes way more
complicated.

I would suggest asking youself "what in me needs to be attached to
her?" What in me needs to be "in love with her"? What in me is drawn
to this hurting person? Are these attractions healthy or are they
indicating some unbalanced needs internally that may bind me into an
unhealthy co dependant/enabling relationship?. What do I really want
in life and out of this relationship? What would I do if my partner
has not healed significantly in a years time, 5 years, 10 years? I
would suggest going to a counsellor to work through these sort of
questions and help you discover if your have lost parts of yourself
in this relationship.

Don't get me wrong I into committed lifelong relationships and such
relationships involve self sacrifice. Self sacrifice only works if
you are concious of what you are sacrifcing and choosing to make that
sacrifice. In my experience partners often make a lot of sacrifice
without realising it and the effects on who they are. Its kinda
paradoxical, you can only love another person and do self sacrifice
if you first love youself and keep you intact.

Enough ravings from a partner. Good luck Bro