Mo,

It sounds like things were off for a long time before the separation,
is that correct? I guess it's not clear when the separation was, how
long it lasted, etc. How long ago was it that the rape occurred?

>> She will not tell me who did this which leads me to assume that it
>> is someone that I know. I feel so helpless and unloved. She is cold
>> and unemotional.

It must hurt a lot right now. Find a rape crisis center in your area,
and see what kinds of counseling/seminars/groups they offer for
partners of rape survivors. You have different questions and needs
and many centers have resources tailored for people in our position.

>> We have 3 wonderful children. Her mother just recently moved in
>> with us so we can care for her as she suffers from lung cancer.

Whoa. Three children and a live-in mother that needs a caretaker?
That's a TON of stress on you both, no doubt. It'd be a stress on ANY
marriage, much less one that has a rape looming over it.

>> I have done all I can to show my
>> wife that I am committed to and love her with all my heart. She
>> can't or won't even show me how she feels. In almost two years time
>> we have only been intimate once. When I tell her I love her she
>> says nothing so I don't say it anymore. She will not get
>> counseling.

I'm sorry it's been so hard. Are you in counseling? If not, find one
for yourself. You need to have someone in your corner on this, who can
help you deal with these issues. And your leading by example may
encourage her to go, too. Any rape crisis center should be able to
refer you--and the nice part is, anyone they refer you too will have
experience in this field.

>> I don't know what
>> to do. I do not want anyonce else. Each day her rejection of me
>> hurts more and more. Why can't she tell me she loves me? Can't she
>> see what this is doing? I feel so bad about the way I feel because
>> it seems so selfish. I just don't know what to do. Someone please
>> help me.

You are not selfish to want your wife's love, Mo. That's a normal need
and want. However, it is very possible that whatever she is dealing
with right now is too much for her to meet your needs. She may not be
able to be emotionally or physically intimate for a while. And you
need to love YOU enough to get you through this.

I will tell you, I was raped when I was 19. My mother had just died
about a year before this. I had a really good friend, a guy, who got
me through it all. We talked for hours on the phone, he watched movies
with me and stayed over when I needed company -- on the couch, no
less, so I wouldn't be alone. He was a completely safe, platonic male
friend that was awesome and helped me get back on my feet.

Because of the two traumas that happened so closely back to back, I
don't remember most of the year he was my best friend. It's just been
GONE for about 17 years. He got back in touch with me after moving
away and being out of touch for about 15 years. And NOW, now I KIND
OF remember some of it. Other friends I had back then verified a lot
of it for me, and are shocked that I don't remember it myself.

It had NOTHING to do with Bob at all. I loved him, still do, he's
still an awesome guy. I was honest and told him the truth that I just
didn't remember, and he pointed out to me that it made sense that he'd
be wrapped up and put away with the ugly memories I couldn't deal with
anymore. It wasn't personal. I just wasn't capable of holding onto
those memories. Not till a lot later when I was ready to. I'm lucky he
knows me well enough to know it's not about him.

I guess I tell you all of this to give you another perspective. It's
not about you, hon. You didn't cause this. You can't take it away
either. But the less you personalize it the easier it will be on you.
Let the rapist be the bad guy and cut both yourself and your lady some
slack, if you can. You've both been through a lot and deserve it.

Hope it helps,
Love Brenda