Maybe a conversation with yourself but we're "listening".
*grin*

Often the only thing that differentiates "us" from other "survivors" is that
we have had slightly less work we have "taken on", one could say, to transform
in the world of pain and healing (or karma). Often it seems to me, from what I
read
and learn about in modern psychology and what not, is that the CRITICAL part
OF
the healing road for a CSA survivor is in somehow that VERY BIT you pointed
out of the process of the healing -of HOW our THOUGHTS work- something this
example of anger demonstrates quite clearly. Righteous anger even.. but also
anger
from simple disappointment...

CSA's are often RULED by thoughts that they have not yet come to figure out
what to do about- and these are the kinds of thoughts that a normal "fight" or
normal love or gestures or ways could possibly overcome IF they could suddenly
be transfered to a non-survivor who DID NOT HAVE TO EXPERIENCE THE
EVENTS that created these thoughts and memories. Thoughts that are so deep
within the oceans that they operate unseen and unrecognized- completely
without awareness- and at most it's like a whale passing beneath a dingy- the
water
swells and looms and the boat rocks from this deep well of emotions- often the
ONLY sign that there is something seemingly HUGE and POWERFUL that
is working unseen in the depths.

WE might know or learn to recognize a whale because we grew up on a beach and
had the safety of shore and even learned to EAT a whale- and not be scared of
it.
We had our needs met. We had safety and validation. We were PROTECTED
until we knew and understood and could see the whale.

Often a CSA has almost always ONLY been in the boat.
The boat is all they know.

Imagine how TERRIFYING that is.
and what is this thing called LAND? It is even BIGGER and SCARIER than this
thing that threatens to swamp everything they have ever known? IT is
LITTERALLY
absolute SURVIVAL.
.......

Meaning...
If we could take their pain we theoretically might be able to get over it
rather
quickly, as adults, with OUR adult capabilities and the somewhat loving (well
at the
very least, since most of the PoS's are not survivors to the extent of CSA's)
upbringing
we have had -to whatever degree once again since we are NOT CSA's...


-And with that boat? .. learning how to let it rock- I mean REALLY let it
rock...
Whoever can do that in a CSA's life will be helping them understand how to
heal
and what love means. Or CAN mean.

but also understanding that we are NOT the therapist to take the role of the
caregiver and nurturer that wasn't there. NO ONE CAN EVER FIX THAT.
No one can completely replace that for them, just like no one can become OUR
mothers or fathers or protectors. They are who they are. CSA's are often still
trying to pretend that- that there can ever BE someone who can fix that or go
back and change that history and past and fate and karma.

That can be more than too much for many of us.
Let alone being often the ONLY real role one can HAVE with someone who
is in so much crisis and desperation that this IS the only role they REALLY
want
filled in their life- or until this one is filled, there are no real other
vacancies.
Often there is ALWAYS that element in EVERY relationship- especially anything
remotely to do with how they were abused... sexual or romantic or intimate;
the
violation has to be recovered from somehow or everything is a re-enactment
inside
of them somehow...to figure it out, to run from it, to wrestle with it, to TRY
and fill
that role of the safety and provider and guardian that not only wasn't there,
but
often WAS the predator from the depths of unspeakable unnamable terrors.

There was no real safety ever.

CSA's didn't get that.
all they got was the ocean and the sea and the terror of the deep and that
boat.


......


It is almost like these CSA's are warriors of love. They are showing and
defining
for us what love really is or could be or ought to be about. And the path
there is
often one of deep pain and letting go of illusions and beliefs; hollywood,
novels,
sexual oblivion, white picket fence and no worries ever again.

So they are the front line soldiers and so are we.
How does one fight a battle with an unseen enemy and take no casualties?

When we close our eyes we KNOW what would work, but it doesn't.
WHY?

Because that is what would work for US and DOES.

There is a gift. There ARE people who HAVE found what does work and
they can SHOW it and GIVE it to those who are ready to REALLY HEAL
from a lifetime of being a CSA. But the CSA's HAVE to want it- no faking.
they have to be willing to give up anything and EVERYTHING to own that.

Or begin to have that sort of commitment.
No more wishy washing or lack of self respect or any indulgence in the
emotional
states and thoughts- help, real help. Total commitment, Self Awareness...
understanding. And ways to communicate and listen as well.

But that, once again, is the perspective of a PoS- and I am not a true CSA.
It works for me. but I can SIT WITH MYSELF COMPLETELY and just at
most

shake.
in pain that I am not more connected.
and afraid of death myself still.
and wating to be known
and love

and be loved in return.
And give something to this world.

But that's just me.

Namaste.
when we share we cross that space and connect.
that is our gift.

that is THE gift.
As I see it.

When we're really connecting, we're really sharing something of ourselves,
and when we're sharing real information we're being truly vulnerable.

It is said that Love is giving someone the ability to hurt you.. but trusting
them not to

We begin that by initiating sharing of ourselves.

-JP


r_bidwell <r_bidwell@...> wrote:
I was just sitting here reading the posts on letting go, I read once
that anger is created by the mind...if we actually believe something is
true and take it inside, then our mind and body fight the thought we
believe about ourselves...but misdirect the energy towards others as if
they were the ones making us believe this...and attack them....make
them a force of power over us and we cannot change other people...that
is not possible. We can only change ourselves. And we could believe
that those we love can gain the same power of owning themselves
also....with the same goal of self, understanding, love and forgiveness.

Today I have felt like giving up, wishing this was almost gone, or just
gone and living with her all better and well. Feeling sorry for my-
self. I am where I want to be....and I am seeing the distorted reality
of her struggle with thoughts. I wish she could get through this
faster. That is a selfish thought for my desires to be filled. When I
face the day with hope...it is usually dashed....I am trying to stay in
the reality of where things are and yet go back to wishing things were
better. Which causes the saddness because it is not all better. I
don't need someone to feel happier inside about myself. I want to
share this life with her....and she is climbing, I am too. It does
take all you have to climb a mountain, and it is the team work and
accomplishment that help you reach your goal. If I get scared of the
heights, look down too much, or only look up at the top....I will never
see the thing that is in front of me.....one foot at a time will get us
to the top....and you really don't climb just to win....it is just
climbing at all that is part of learning you can do anything. I am
trying not to focus only looking up to the end. I want to be in the
moment also.....and let myself learn how to climb. I wonder...I am
making this harder than it actually is? Yeah....I will not look up
today so much and watch for a better foot hold to get to the next foot
hold and I do like the thrill of climbing and reaching the goal is
enevitable. If you are carful and watch what you are doing each
moment. A conversation with myself. I feel better.






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