Well.. welcome and hope we can be of some assistance.

Right off the bat, it can help to go back about 2 months and read the
archives... there's not a whole lot to read so it ought not to take too long AND
you then get a sense of what happens here...

It sounds like your partner/ex partner (whatever the definition is currently)
is a survivor of abuse- abuse that may or may not go back even further than is
known... certainly the elements are there because someone who doesn't recognize
this is going on to their child isn't aware of it to begin with and is
emotionally shut down and distant- so neglect is also an issue for her- probably
grew up in it.

Whatever she is doing, it's not because of you so you can't fix it or change
it- NOR could you have helped if she had told you sooner. I know that is a nice
thought because it feels empowering, but it's called magical thinking =this is
her nightmare. No one can grow her out of it but herself, and when survivors
need to alienate and sabotage and destroy relationships nothing anyone else can
do- themore you fight the worse it will get in the long run because you're
trying to remove their freedom of choice- the one thing that they really need to
be allowed to have because it was taken from them in every way.

So where does that leave us, the partners? Working on ourselves and declaring
what we want and finding ways to be loving and compassionate and caring without
sacrificing our needs. We can do this by working on healthy boundaries,
relationship skills and emotional development in ourselves- and show our
survivors how by example if nothing else how a happy and healthy relationship
works.

Don't give up but the prognosis can be bleak, as most will tell you. Few
survivors are capable of committed long term relationships, and tend to
perpetuate the cycle of abuse as they grow older and don't deal with their pain
and hurt.

If you love a survivor, you're on the front line in a battle to help end this
suffering and pain and perpetual vicitmization of others and self and those who
care about the victims.

Welcome and all in good time. Be gentle on yourself and if you're hurting,
it's ok to hurt. Our losses are minor compared to what these people we love and
care about deeply must face. If we're lucky we;ll all come out of the other side
of these trying times knowing we are loved and how to love and be loved in
return- especially someone who is in deep, deep pain and for whom reality might
be something far worse than anything we can imagine.

Welcome.
You are amongst friends.

-JP

Jamie <flippinzipper@...> wrote:
Hi everyone, i find myself needing to tallk to others who may
understand what I'm going through and get feedback. I am "married"
to my partner (as much as 2 lesbians can be in the US) going on 4
years. Last month she told me she needed to move out, live on her
own and get some things figured out - she is finally dealing with
her abuse - the abuse she experienced from 9 to 15 (16,17,18? -
never was clear on that) and she is now only 23.
she still loves me, doesnt want to end our domestic partnership, we
talk daily and see wach other on weekends but she says she can't be
a good partner now because she is depressed, and doesnt like who she
is now - which I understand. it is hard and I dont like it but I do
know if she says she needs space and time that she should get it.

sometimes I've very rational this way, and other times (PMS) I lose
it and cry a lot just missing her. So, why I am here......well, I
wonder if this is a common scenario, for one. And 2, I think I need
a support group of my own. People who can tell me what I should do
when I'm confused or sad or angry.

I realize there is a chance she may never come back, but that is the
same as when you live with someone and marry them - you always know
in the back of your mind it could end some day - especially when it
is so good, you think, "this is too good to last" - what a shitty
saying. I don't think that is my real hurt, my real hurt is that she
took so long to tell me she was feeling bad and never talked to me
about it until after she decided to go - i think if she told me
sooner we could have talked about it and and least the decision
would have been made by us and not come out like a bad surprise.

How can I be a good partner to her now? I tell her I love her and
am "there for her" so she doesnt feel abandoned yet I worry she may
take it wrong - like I am pressuring her to come back....oh I will
end it here. thanks everyone.






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