The feelings are so hard to recall. I had my baby shower Saturday and lost
Devan Sunday ... all of the shower gifts where at the house and for those who
were unable to make it there were many UPS deliverys to my home even after I
returned. My husband also took things out of sight - but I kept most things.
I'm finally at the point now where I think I might want to try again. I just
don't know what I would do if something happened again .... Its a pain that I
could not bare again. I have, however heard many stories of women who have had
multiple PA's. I am still very angry and the doctors, and because if I got
pregnant again I would be high-risk, I would probably have to keep the same
doctors - that scares me.

I was so lucky that my brother and sister-in-law handled all of the funeral
arrangements for me. My mother picked Devan's clothes and a gold cross. My
husband and I picked a family picture for his casket (I have a 6 year old son
also). The funeral was incredibly emotionally and physically draining, but I
think it was very necessary in the healing process.

Please know that we are all here if you need a word of comfort.


sarmaloney <sarmaloney@...> wrote:


Hi Donna,

How are you? I just want to say that I am truly sorry for your loss.
I have you in my prayers. I have always loved the name Devan it is
such a beautiful name. I understand the hurt you feel. Both my
husband and I were looking so forward to Keegan's arrival. My
daughter used to love sorting through Keegan's clothes, trying to
essemble outfits to prepare for his future day trips. Once I came
home from the hospital I felt so empty. When I went inside and saw
all of the items that we collected in preperation for his arrival,
it was so difficult to look at them. My husband took all of
Keegan's things and brought them to his mother's house because he
knew how hard it was for me to look at them. As crazy as this
sounds, I still walk through the baby sections at department stores
and look at all the babyboy clothes. For some reason I find it very
therapeutic. I guess this helps me accept the fact that I will
never be able to avoid the fact that babies and pregnancy will be
all around me. Or maybe it helps me feel like I'm still pregnant. I
remember the first time I went back to the baby section of a store.
It was to pick out a pair of baby booties and a blanket to put in
Keegan's casket. It was so hard, I cried once I started walking
closer to the isle. My husband kept telling me "You don't have to
do this." But I really felt like I needed to do this for myself and
Keegan. It was like a blow to the chest when I walked into the isle
where a very pregnant lady was filling her cart with baby supplies.
I just remember my husband catching me because my legs gave out on
me. I bawled all the way home. I was filled with the same anger
and frustration that you spoke of. Not that I was mad at her being
pregnant...just mad because I wasn't. I felt like the world was so
unfair. I never took the time to think of how many women may have
looked at me when I was pregnant the same way I looked at her. It's
definitly opened my eyes to how much of a miracle pregnancy really
is.
I want you to know that if you need someone to talk to, I'm here for
you.

Take care

Sarah




--- In placentaabruption@yahoogroups.com, Donna Dorsey
<momjay2003@y...> wrote:
> Sarah - I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I lost my son
Devan on 3/29/04 - I was 31 weeks pregnant. The thought of going
through the holiday's without my baby is almost unbearable - we were
so looking forward to him being here with us. I still cry to this
day when I see a baby, hear of someones joy in knowing they are
pregnant, etc. There is no "appropriate time" to stop grieving.
You can go back in the message board thread and see messages from
women going back some time, and later you might see them joyful as
they have a healthy baby later. Having this site available really
helped me - even though I don't get on as often as I did at first.
If there is anything you need, let us know.
>
> sarmaloney <sarmaloney@y...> wrote:
> Hi everyone,
>
> My name is Sarah and I'm new to the site. I've been registered
for
> a few days but had a really hard time trying to compose myself to
> write my story. Firstly, I would like to say that I am truly
sorry
> for anyone who has lost a child, and congratulations to those who
> are currently pregnant.
>
> I lost my son on September 19, 2004 due to placenta abruption.
It's
> been terrible trying to cope. It doesn't feel like the days are
> getting any easier but I don't cry out loud as much as I did when
it
> first happened. He was 24 weeks and born with a faint heartbeat.
I
> still cry to have him back and the closer I get to my due date,
the
> harder it is to deal with. I can't help but calculate how many
> days, weeks or months I would be if I was still pregnant. I was
> looking so forward to the new year, especially January 7 (his due
> date). Now I am dreading the New Year, all my excitment is gone.
>
> I was so shocked to find out that this chatroom existed. I
actually
> found it by accident while researching abruptions on the net. I
am
> hoping that I will be able to speak to those who are willing to
chat
> about abruptions or just want to talk about anything in general.
>
> Take care
>
> Sarah
> sarmaloney@y...
>
>
>
>
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