I'm new to this group, but noticed nobody has talked since May.
Anyone still out there?
Niki

Hello everyone,
I just joined.  I was diagnosed by a psychiatrist as being passive
aggressive.  This is the closest thing I've found to an online
support group, but I must admit that I'm a little disappointed.  In
my research on the web, all I find are these places where people
bitch about how horrible their lives with these passive aggressive
people are.  While I definitely think they are entitled to their
feelings and certainly entitled to express them, it would be nice if
there were a place where people who have the condition or believe
they have the condition to discuss their issues and possible
solutions to their issues within being burdened (because it is a
burden) with all of the horrid things that the condition can
potentially cause other people.

I mean a lot of these post are the equivilant of walking to a person
who studders and telling them all the ways in which studderers
inconvenience them and make their lives miserable.. now it is
possibly true that a studderer would be able to give you some
insight into why people studder, but don't you think it's
insulting?  Perhaps it's a little passive-aggressive even.

As I'm sitting here typing these words, the solution is coming to
me.  I have to start another group.  I will remain a member of this
group because information for sufferers of this disorder is scarce,
and I'm grateful for whatever I can learn whereever I can learn it.

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/passive_aggressive/

Hi group,

I have been married for 3 years to a covert/passive aggressive woman.

We are seperated & heading for divorce.

Today I see how angry, abusive & manipulative that she is.    The lies
are the part that is the most unacceptable part to me.   It constantly
feels as if I am walking in a mine field, on eggshells or a rug that
is about to be pulled out from under me.

A book called living with a wolf in sheeps clothing is very helpful to
me.   As I began setting boundaries with her she completely cut me
off.  She verbally assaults me when we communicate about our 28 month
old son or the times that I have scheduled time to go by our house to
pick up my stuff.

I see now how truly angry she is & that she will fight to destroy me
to get her own way.  I am becoming more assertive & am being more
vocal about how I feel when she is raging, blaming or shaming.
Ussually I comment that I can see that she is angry & I will take a
walk & return shortly to discuss her concerns...

She has involved the police numerous times & it stopped when I
confronted her by sitting down with the watch commander & gave him
copies of her behavior (prior police reports & my court order).   I
did actively seek to have her arrested for infringing on my parental
rights with my son & the result has been no further police action...

I am open to others experience, strength & hope...

Hi, I hate everyone and have for a long time.  I'm such a user of
people, especially women.  I go into almost every situation with a
disguise of niceness which I've crafted carefully through the years.
Then when I get what I want, I'm out, just like a thief.  I don't
have many friends, and the ones I do, I've betrayed constantly.  My x-
fiance said to me, you know what you asshole, you have a passive
aggressive disorder.  I think she still loves me, but she knows
better than to mess with me when I haven't been treated for this.  It
really sucks being this way and I wish I was not.  I sincerely wish I
was normal.  I pray about it, but there's this other side of me.

I call this side...ROCKSTAR!  I behave like how a rock star would
when I get in to the PA mode.  I could give a flying f!@# about you
or your issues and you'd better be doing something for me or else
you're just wasting my time.  I get incredibly conceited, vain,
greedy, crass, and desire to be extolled.  That's another thing about
me in this mode, I totally try to pull this superior than you
complex.  I make it a point to make the other person feel like shit
based on their lack of production for me.  This will come out with a
sesquipedalian air (means use of long words) to make the other person
feel stupid.  This is total bullshit, I know.  I'm really sorry for
being this way, but it's second nature and although I constantly try
to police it, it just comes out and defeats me.

That leads to my depression.  I feel like a failure all the time
because I'm not winning the fight.  HELL NO I won't tell anyone
though, because of my emotional inavailability to all.  That is where
my loneliness comes from.  See, I know about all this and I don't
want to hurt any more people.  So in an effort to stop, I've gone
into self imposed solitary.  I dropped everyone.  That leads me to my
saddness.  I'm totally sad because of my situation.  I don't feel
happy at all.  Especially in the fact that I destroy people in such a
way.

I wanna beat this thing.  Thus, my appeal to you all.

if you haven't already..you need to buy and read , "living with the passive
aggressive man" even though it's a woman you're dealing with...it REALLY helped
me to know what parts are him and what parts are me and what parts are me
mimicking him.......

i have just moved away from him yesterday..to another city.....but he has plans
to work on his personality problems and we will try again down the road......i
love him enough to wait.....

good luck!
jen

fortbruce <no_reply@yahoogroups.com> wrote:
Jennifer,

This is amazing, what you describe about your husband fits so closely
to that of my wife, including the problems she has with her dad and
brother siblings!  Especially where you describe "...is the coldest,
most emotionally unavailable, most self centered person who is in
constant denial and avoids taking responsibility for ANY of her
actions. My wife has always had issues with her father and her
brothers too...

I wonder if there is a pattern here?

Bruce

--- In passiveaggressivesupport@yahoogroups.com, "Jennifer K.
Gleinser" <jgleinser@y...> wrote:
> I don't know if this is an active group or not..but I am in dire
need for
> some support.  Me and my 3 year old daughter have somehow wound up
in a HELL
> HOLE.  My fiance was great in the beginning, but then he unzipped
his
> costume and stepped out..and now he is the coldest, most emotionally
> unavailable, most self centered person who is in constant denial
and avoids
> taking responsibility for ANY of his actions.  I am so miserable
and am on
> the verge of either a total break-down..or just moving out
altogether.  I
> hate who I've become since he started acting this way..and I feel
nothing
> but hostility and resentment in this house...no love except between
me and
> my daughter.  Rick has a father (they hate each other) with PA and
Rick's
> older son (his sons live here) also has PA...and I walked right
into this.
> I feel so stupid.  What a mess.  Any advice??
>
>
>
> Jennifer K. Gleinser  "Mom To Maddie Shea"
> The M.O.M. Team - Director
> If You Knew It Was Poison, Would You Use It At Home?
>  Get Paid To Switch Stores
> For FREE Home Biz Info!!
> Visit The Site Below & Click "GET MORE INFO"
> http://stayhomeandwork.themomteam.com/
>  Hm (361) 994-9094     Fax (425) 699-3863
>
> "You must have long-term goals to keep you from being frustrated by
> short-term failures."
>
>
> ~ Charles Noble
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]


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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Jennifer,

This is amazing, what you describe about your husband fits so closely
to that of my wife, including the problems she has with her dad and
brother siblings!  Especially where you describe "...is the coldest,
most emotionally unavailable, most self centered person who is in
constant denial and avoids taking responsibility for ANY of her
actions. My wife has always had issues with her father and her
brothers too...

I wonder if there is a pattern here?

Bruce

--- In passiveaggressivesupport@yahoogroups.com, "Jennifer K.
Gleinser" <jgleinser@y...> wrote:
> I don't know if this is an active group or not..but I am in dire
need for
> some support.  Me and my 3 year old daughter have somehow wound up
in a HELL
> HOLE.  My fiance was great in the beginning, but then he unzipped
his
> costume and stepped out..and now he is the coldest, most emotionally
> unavailable, most self centered person who is in constant denial
and avoids
> taking responsibility for ANY of his actions.  I am so miserable
and am on
> the verge of either a total break-down..or just moving out
altogether.  I
> hate who I've become since he started acting this way..and I feel
nothing
> but hostility and resentment in this house...no love except between
me and
> my daughter.  Rick has a father (they hate each other) with PA and
Rick's
> older son (his sons live here) also has PA...and I walked right
into this.
> I feel so stupid.  What a mess.  Any advice??
>
>
>
> Jennifer K. Gleinser  "Mom To Maddie Shea"
> The M.O.M. Team - Director
> If You Knew It Was Poison, Would You Use It At Home?
>  Get Paid To Switch Stores
> For FREE Home Biz Info!!
> Visit The Site Below & Click "GET MORE INFO"
> http://stayhomeandwork.themomteam.com/
>  Hm (361) 994-9094     Fax (425) 699-3863
>
> "You must have long-term goals to keep you from being frustrated by
> short-term failures."
>
>
> ~ Charles Noble
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Brenda,

I wish I knew the answer, I live with a Passive Agressive wife.
Sometimes I mimic her behavior when she does something like that.

Bruce

--- In passiveaggressivesupport@yahoogroups.com, "BRENDA"
<payjar@y...> wrote:
> Hello,
> I've never done anything like this before (join a group support).
>
> I am married to a man who is PA and I was hoping to find out more
> info on this to see what I can do and what he needs to do.  He
knows
> he has this but says he doesn't know how to fix it.  I don't know
how
> to give him the support he needs, yet not be a door mat to his
verbal
> abuse.  Anyone out there who can help me let me know.
>
> Thanks
> Brenda

Hello,
I've never done anything like this before (join a group support).

I am married to a man who is PA and I was hoping to find out more
info on this to see what I can do and what he needs to do.  He knows
he has this but says he doesn't know how to fix it.  I don't know how
to give him the support he needs, yet not be a door mat to his verbal
abuse.  Anyone out there who can help me let me know.

Thanks
Brenda

I don't know if this is an active group or not..but I am in dire need for
some support.  Me and my 3 year old daughter have somehow wound up in a HELL
HOLE.  My fiance was great in the beginning, but then he unzipped his
costume and stepped out..and now he is the coldest, most emotionally
unavailable, most self centered person who is in constant denial and avoids
taking responsibility for ANY of his actions.  I am so miserable and am on
the verge of either a total break-down..or just moving out altogether.  I
hate who I've become since he started acting this way..and I feel nothing
but hostility and resentment in this house...no love except between me and
my daughter.  Rick has a father (they hate each other) with PA and Rick's
older son (his sons live here) also has PA...and I walked right into this.
I feel so stupid.  What a mess.  Any advice??



Jennifer K. Gleinser  "Mom To Maddie Shea"
The M.O.M. Team - Director
If You Knew It Was Poison, Would You Use It At Home?
  Get Paid To Switch Stores
For FREE Home Biz Info!!
Visit The Site Below & Click "GET MORE INFO"
http://stayhomeandwork.themomteam.com/
  Hm (361) 994-9094     Fax (425) 699-3863

"You must have long-term goals to keep you from being frustrated by
short-term failures."


~ Charles Noble

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

> Asperger's syndrome--I'm serious.
> who is merely guilty of ineptitude. Any thoughts?

Hi All, Mark , Kim and Andrew

I am interested in learn more, as I have a "Friend"??? who has many
of the symptoms of P/A , but ot may be Asperger's syndrome. I got to
do the research.  I met this person in Group and She Hired me to do
Handyman stuff around her HOme.  I seen and heard lots and seen the
Agression and seen the hiding, and I guess I was the invisible.  At
first She appeared to be a WorKaholic , but now a P/A  maybe it is an
overlap of both.
I must have did something,(or NOT something) as She is distant,
bitching at me like she has been to all her friends and never talks
or calls like before. I met the P/A(a beautiful Flight attentand), in
public recently but she still distant.
  There are other Complexities to the situation, ( Like My wife has
OCD and has attempted Suicide in the last year, but drugs have help
and things are setting down, as much as ciukd be expectted).  The
friend (P/A) is being persuded by a Guy who's wife committed suicide
1.5 years ago.  The P/A is living with a women who we all met in
Group. The housemate is often driven by the P/A so much so She has
ask me for a Shotgun. ( in fun)

I Know run,,,, run very Fast. ha ha

I seem to dwell on how to best help the P/A .. I've seen a very
Fragille human being at times, even weaker than my wife.

Once after one of the P/As friends came by and said she could not
have a friendship with the P/A if she treated her like this!!!
then left the P/A with me with the mess.

Amoungst the slobs the P/A blurtted out
" I wish my Mother would Die, Then I can"

Please, Please any insight.

Len

I've recently done a Google search on "passive-aggressive," although
that's not what led me to this group, so I have some background
knowledge on p/a behavior, and something occurs to me:

In my younger days, I admittedly had pretty bad social skills, for
which I caught a lot of flak--I've improved since. I think I may have
Asperger's syndrome--I'm serious. Thinking back on many specific
incidents, I think other people may have assumed that I was being p/a,
even if they didn't use (or even know) that terminology.

While I think p/a behavior does exist, my perception is that
accusations of p/a behavior can also be a way of persecuting a person
who is merely guilty of ineptitude. Any thoughts?

Hi there,
I am a wife of a Passive Aggressive man.  I think I have some of the
tendencies as well.  But first of all I wanted to say to Mark, I think it is
great that you are making the decision to do something about your situation.
It is very rough on relationships.  I have been together with my husband for
2 years this June.  I didn't see this side of him until about 10 months ago.
Since then I have been trying different things to make this work for us.
After a bitter verbal battle last weekend I have decided to wait until he
fixes it this time.  I am getting so tired of being the one that works out
the problems and makes it all better again.  I need to know that he cares
about me too, not just himself.  Although I can say there have been many
things he has taught me about looking after myself.
Looking forward to talking to some of you.
Kim


---
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It looks as if there hasn't been much talk lately, but here goes
anyway.

I am a 34 year old married man and father to a almost 2 year old. And
it appears that I am passive aggressive (sounds like AA). My poor
wife who has been dealing with me for almost ten years and is at the
end of her rope most often times than not. I was in Borders bookstore
recently and I noticed a book called "Living with the Passive
Aggressive Man". I started to read it and was shocked at so many of
the similar situations it was detailing that I felt I have lived. I
decided to buy it for my wife, thinking it would clear some things
up. Well it did, and so here I am with this nasty label. I'm not sure
what else to say except I'm here, I'm managing the best I can, and
it's not easy. So for those of you out there like me. Stay strong.

I am new to this Group. I believe, after having read various information on
Narcissism that my boyfriend of 3-1/2 year is Narcissistic.

Hi everyone,

I have been reading this information, as a result of a suggestion from another
email group on Passive-Aggression. I believe he is a combination after having
read the various types of behavior each one has. I am trying to understand him
in order to better cope with his behavior.

We're getting along much better from my having read information on both
behaviors. I feel it's a breakthrough.

I'm almost 4 years into this relationship and I don't want to give it up,
because I love him.

Smiles across the miles,

Christine



---------------------------------
Do you Yahoo!?
New DSL Internet Access from SBC & Yahoo!

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

. . . I call myself a_parody_of_you, for Christ's
sake.<br><br>Anyways, I've always kind of known that I've been majorly
passive-aggressive, but I've also always kind of lumped that term
into the generic household sense, rather than
considering it as possibly being the very lynchpin of my
ongoing neuroses. So, then, I actually put that term into
my Yahoo! personal profile, and then I think, maybe
there's something to that; I mean, maybe there's *really*
something to that.<br><br>So then I'm doing a web search,
and first of all, I'm trying to remember whether
passive-aggressive personality disorder is an actual DSM-IV
diagnosis, 'cause I've happened to crack that thing open
more than a few times over the past years, and I
manage to confirm that PAPD *is* in the DSM-IV, so then
I'm reading along, and I'm thinking, *oh my God*, if
only there had been a mental health care professional
in my retention that had been skilled enough at
diagnosing personality disorders to say, "This is what you
are; this is what you need to work on."<br><br>So,
anyways, life goes on. In some haphazard, half-assed way,
it does.<br><br>Chad

I was a happily passive husband who became
passive-aggresive through failed attepmts at being assertive. I
need help changing before my marriage crosses that
thin line of irrepairable damage. I don't know what to
do to fix it because I'm not conscious of trying to
be aggresive. I'm really not sure how I'm even doing
it, I'm usually not that clever.

Bruce,<br><br>On the twelve steps...***it's an
individual's choice whether to continue in it or not.***
You're right.<br><br>***...i try to turn win-lose
situations into "win-win" although I think it defeats the
purpose of her setting the situation.*** You may be
right. Congratulations on your
successes!!!<br><br>***...Thanks!*** You're welcome. Take care and best
wishes...<br><br>silvergreycat

***...any program properly worked, allows you to
grow within the program.*** True--but it's an
individual's choice whether to continue in it or
not.<br><br>***...it was my understanding that the 12-step program was
developed by the founder of AA (Bill W.) and even he,
stayed with the program until the end of his life.***
That's my understanding too.<br><br>***...because my
wife was unhappy with a few people there decided to
take the children and attend another church...I
optioned to keep the family together and attend the new
Church.*** This sounds like she gave you a coin marked
"heads I win" on one side and "tails you lose" on the
other. <br>*** Well, i try to turn win-lose situations
into "win-win" although I think it defeats the purpose
of her setting the situation. I have become involved
in the chuch without actually transferring
membership. ;-) ***<br><br>***The point I'm trying to make is
my wife seems to "close-the-door" emotionally on so
many people, I wonder, how long it will be before my
foot is pushed-out that door completely.*** She may be
playing "all or none" where favor's granted only to those
who agree with her regardless of what she does.
.....perhaps so.<br><br>***I will say though, that within the
last month, our relationship has improved slighty, for
which I am grateful but I am remaining cautiously
skeptical that it will continue to improve. I will continue
to work on this of course. It just is very hard when
I am making so many of the compromises (in my
estimation).*** True enough. Passive-Aggressive behavior is
manipulative behavior and the person being manipulated cannot
win. How true!<br><br>Message 8 has links for more
information regarding Passive-Aggressive behavior which may
help you. Let me close here because I don't have the
professional expertise that you may need (I'm neither a
psychiatrist, psychologist, therapist, or counselor).
<br><br>Best wishes and good luck.
---Thanks!<br><br>silvergreycat

Bruce,<br><br>***I'm not trying to "blame" AA as
at fault here...I just mentioned that in the
previous post to provide some background information.  I
do have a lot of respect for the 12-step program and
how it has helped so many people, but it just doesn't
strike a chord with me and I'm okay with that.*** I'm
sorry if my words over-reacted to what you said. You're
right--A.A. and other 12-step programs don't work for
everybody.<br><br>***Thanks for the search-link, I did look at a few of those
other sites.*** You're welcome. Glad they
helped.<br><br>silvergreycat<br>(born in Syracuse and living along the
Alabama/Georgia
border)

Hi silvergreycat!<br><br>I'm not trying to
"blame" AA as at fault here, as a matter of fact, I have
tried to be as supportive in my roll on this (within
reason of course). Reasonable meaning: attending
meetings with her at first, even trying AL-ANON meetings
on my own (at her request) which I did for over a
year, I just didn't find personally helpful. I just
mentioned that in the previous post to provide some
background information. <br><br> I do have a lot of respect
for the 12-step program and how it has helped so many
people, but it just doesn't strike a chord with me and
I'm okay with that.<br><br>Bruce<br><br>P.S. Thanks
for the search-link, I did look at a few of those
other sites.

Bruce,<br><br>***...any program properly worked,
allows you to grow within the program.*** True--but it's
an individual's choice whether to continue in it or
not.<br><br>***...it was my understanding that the 12-step program was
developed by the founder of AA (Bill W.) and even he,
stayed with the program until the end of his life.***
That's my understanding too.<br><br>***...because my
wife was unhappy with a few people there decided to
take the children and attend another church...I
optioned to keep the family together and attend the new
Church.*** This sounds like she gave you a coin marked
"heads I win" on one side and "tails you lose" on the
other. <br><br>***The point I'm trying to make is my
wife seems to "close-the-door" emotionally on so many
people, I wonder, how long it will be before my foot is
pushed-out that door completely.*** She may be playing "all
or none" where favor's granted only to those who
agree with her regardless of what she does.
<br><br>***I will say though, that within the last month, our
relationship has improved slighty, for which I am grateful but
I am remaining cautiously skeptical that it will
continue to improve. I will continue to work on this of
course. It just is very hard when I am making so many of
the compromises (in my estimation).*** True enough.
Passive-Aggressive behavior is manipulative behavior and the person
being manipulated cannot win.<br><br>Message 8 has
links for more information regarding Passive-Aggressive
behavior which may help you. Let me close here because I
don't have the professional expertise that you may need
(I'm neither a psychiatrist, psychologist, therapist,
or counselor). <br><br>Best wishes and good
luck.<br><br>silvergreycat

Bruce,<br><br>***Does anyone have any advice in
dealing with a passive agressive spouse.*** Check message
8 for a Yahoo listing of sites that can
help.<br><br>***My marriage and relationship are being destroyed by
this, she has also been a member of AA for over 20
years and still attends meeting and doesn't drink.***
Please don't blame AA for <br>your wife's
passive-aggressive behavior. Most people attending 12 step meetings,
I believe, aren't health care professionals. They
can only offer help and support regarding the
addiction. It's up to the addict to change his/her
behaviors.<br><br>For my part, I'm a food addict who has attended
OA<br>meetings in the past. I'm also passive-aggressive. From my
experience, the addiction can be viewed as hiding the
behavior. That behaviors appear when you follow the 12
steps like<br>mold does when food becomes spoiled.
<br><br>And not everyone can use the 12 steps to change their
behaviors. Sometimes he, or she, needs professional help to
supplement the steps.<br><br>silvergreycat

Shy Robbo,<br><br>***Can anyone point me to where
I can get more info re PA***...Here's a link to a
Yahoo listing of sites that may answer your
question:<br><br><a
href=http://google.yahoo.com/bin/query?p=passive-aggressive+behavior&hc=0&hs=0
target=new>http://google.yahoo.com/bin/query?p=passive-aggressive+behavior&hc=0&\
hs=0</a><br><br>Hope this helps...<br><br>silvergreycat

RevDave,<br><br>Thanks for the response. I agree
with you that any program properly worked, allows you
to grow within the program. I just never had that
understanding with the AA program, it was my understanding that
the 12-step program was developed by the founder of
AA (Bill W.) and even he, stayed with the program
until the end of his life. <br> Interesting, that you
bring-up Church because we are very active in the Church
where we attend and because my wife was unhappy with a
few people there decided to take the children and
attend another church. I was stuck in a bit of a
dilemma, leave the church I grew-up in, where we were
married and where our children were baptized, or attend
there alone. I optioned to keep the family together and
attend the new Church. The point I'm trying to make is
my wife seems to "close-the-door" emotionally on so
many people, I wonder, how long it will be before my
foot is pushed-out that door completely. <br><br> I
will say though, that within the last month, our
relationship has improved slighty, for which I am grateful but
I am remaining cautiously skeptical that it will
continue to improve. I will continue to work on this of
course. It just is very hard when I am making so many of
the compromises (in my estimation).

Bruce--I can tell you from my own experience that
AA is not all it's cracked up to be. It's not AA's
fault it's that most people don't work the program like
they should and most clubs allow them to come, and
sit, and bitch. It's a lot like church. You can come
each week and do nothing but they feel that by coming
you're doing something. And that's good enough for them.
The same with AA. Most folks that actually work the
program grow out and away from the group.<br> I'd be glad
to hear from you and the others in this group.<br>
RevDave

Does anyone have any advice in dealing with a
passive agressive spouse. My marriage and relationship
are being destroyed by this, she has also been a
member of AA for over 20 years and still attends meeting
and doesn't drink. I know there has not been much
activity on this group. I'm not being a "troll" by asking
this, I just need to know how everybody else handles
this situation.<br><br>Thanks,<br><br>Bruce

Hi, I'm not really sure about the disorder, but
the mere name of it seems to be me all over.<br>I'm
on anti depressants at the moment which help my
regular life, but I wonder if therepy can overcome this
PA disorder? . . . .if that's what I've got.<br>Can
anyone point me to where I can get more info re PA,
pls?<br>thanks :)

elighted to connect with someone who is interested in PADP.<br>Seeking ways to
offer support.<br>verandajane

'm interested in dialoging with anyone who is a
passive aggressive personality type or who associates
with one. <br><br>Please post a message or click on
the "Founder" link and email me
directly.<br><br>Thanks...I am looking forward to hearing from you.

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