I've just read George K. Simon's book _In Sheep's Clothing_, and he
distinguishes between covert
aggression and passive aggression. Not sure if the distinction is academic.

Bozo (not-soon-enough-to-be-xh) excelled at passive aggression. Aggressive
compliance - I think
that's the term, where one follows a rule out of context to destructive effects
- was another
strength of his. He was also brilliant at neglecting huge things he'd agreed to
do, and doing
some small "thoughtful" thing, so he could "prove" he meant the very best.

Even after 4 months of clean minimum contact (e-mail & post as needed for
paperwork, no phone or
face contact) I'm still discovering ways he jerked me around.


--- Lesley Ann1963 <possum@...> wrote:

> know my DH has "made me" very
> passive, as its the only way to cope.

Well, that certainly sounds like the most efficient way to cope. It's not the
"only" way, though.
Stupidly, I spent YEARS playing straight. Dumb!

I'm trying to allow myself to learn the difference between a p/a character and
the strategic use
of p/a tactics. Really goes against the grain for me. G.K. Simon's book says
that people with
extremely high moral standards are very susceptible to hoodwinking by covert
aggressors. Out of
moral duty to myself - gulp! - I'm trying to learn new ways of dealing with
rabid dogs. For
starters, by NOT PETTING THEM! even when they whimper.

Lately I've stepped up application of non-direct communication, e.g. not telling
Bozo straight-out
I don't want to see him. This would just provoke his huge victim reaction, and
give him a whole
booklet of get-out-of-jail-free cards to justify whatever acting out he later
can blame on how
devastated he was when I deeply wounded him by setting a simple boundary. Last
week I was wracked
with guilt for making it sound like I was open to meeting him, all the while
building in an escape
hatch, knowing I had no intention of meeting him. Well, turns out that all he
needed to know was
that he was welcome and to feel that contact or no-contact is his choice. Ugh.

Handling things that way was =much= more energy-efficient (well, other than the
guilt) than
communicating directly would have been, and "cheated" him out of his standard
"permission" to pull
baloney. Anyone have experience with where P/A's go behaviorally when the old
games no longer pay
off? This divorce is going to take a while ... in large part b/c I'm just that
burnt out
emotionally.

M.



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