I am 58 year old wife mother and Nana. I have a PA 36 year old married
daughter who has my 2 grandkids. I did not know what was the matter
until just this last summer when I started telling friends about her
and me. Many friends said your daughter is PA. I had to go look that up!

Here is a letter I just wrote a friend explaining somethings:



Melissa is passive aggressive. Very controlling and very very unhappy.
It isn't something new but this last year it has been the worse ever.
It all started when she was about 12 or 13. She was passive aggressive
back then but I didn't know what was the matter then. I had a horrible
time with her as a teen. I had to practice Tough love with her. She
hated me because I had rules to follow. Yes, this is normal for a teen
but it went beyond that. She really hated me. Lied often and snuck
around. I almost always caught her in the lie and even went out
hunting her up when I knew she was doing no good. She resented me
something awful. She twisted everything I said to her to suit her own
thinking. She made me think I failed her as a mother by twisting
everything around. We had awful arguments. Mostly because I did not
know about passive aggressive people back then I did not know I was
doing it all wrong when I tried to handle her aggressiveness. She was
passive where I got mad and yelled. Okay, that tells you the
foundation.....fast forward to her being pregnant with Madison. Todd
and Melissa went to his parents and celebrated the news. Out to eat at
a fancy restaurant and went back to her in laws and a celebrated more.
I was told with a phone call. She wrote in Madison's baby book all
about how the in laws were so happy with the news and how they
celebrated. Never mentioning how I reacted. Which was jumping up and
down and yelling Yippee and saying all kinds of nice things to my
daughter on phone. When I saw her after she told me, she told me they
weren't going to raise their child like I did. They were going to
raise the baby as Todd was raised. (no rules, no discipline no
responsibilities no nothing. Everything handed to him with no
consequences) And when Todd was 16 he was handed a car with no
attachments. Didn't have to work for the insurance nothing. This
impressed Melissa greatly. When she was 16 she wanted us to buy her a
car. We said we would help her get one by cosigning the loan but she
had to save for the down payment. We told her she had to save $1000.00
toward the car and we would help her with whatever else she needed.
But she had to first show responsibility. She had a fit a royal fit!
She said she did not have to save any money and she wouldn't. Well she
didn;t and we did not help her get a car. To this day she resents
this. Anyway, she was pregnant and told me when her child was old
enough they were going to give the child a car when they turned 16
just like Todd's parents did. All I said was and the child does not
have to do anything? She said no. I went home and cried. Todd's family
has a lot of money and Melissa thought she was going to have the good
life. When they were dating she was treated like a queen. Trips to
Spain, Bahamas' several times, Virgin Islands deluxe hotel's After
they were married things changed. The trips started to stop. Not the
trips within the US but outside the US stopped. She still had the good
life for about 5 years after they were married. Trips to Chicago and
they stayed in the hotels famous people stayed in. Once Oprah was next
to them. Just telling you this so you know what she was given. Then it
stopped.

Todd is mostly the reason for my daughter's unhappiness. He is a lazy,
not responsible in any way, mentally ill man. Melissa's husband did
not turn out like she thought he would. He is so lazy he is letting
their house fall down on top of them. He thinks he mows the yard once
in the summer and that is all he has to do in yard care and if Melissa
says the grass needs mowing he rants and raves and roars the house
down. The gutters fell off the house a couple of years ago and he left
them lay there all winter. In the spring the neighbors reported them.
And they got a citation in the mail. Melissa started trying to fix
things. She would call her dad to help. Dick would go over and Todd
would lay in bed til Dick left. I should tell you Todd used to work
for the family business. He was let go this past June. Altho so far
they still send him a pay check. I don't know why they took his job
away from him but I think it is because it is sibling run (his
mother's family) and the siblings running it right now don't like
Todd's mother even tho it is her siblings and they fired her and
changed the locks so she couldn't get back in. Todd being the son of
the outed sibling is being picked on and let go. Todd now stays home
all day and plays all day. He does nothing else. And I am not
stretching this story in away way.He is Micky's best playmate. If he
is not playing toys he is watching movies or building model cars. He
does not take the trash out, help in anyway. Finds fault with a lot.
Etc. When I am over that their house he doesn't speak to me. Once when
I was over I asked Melissa why he treated me like that. She said she
wasn't the one doing it and if I had a problem with it I should tell
him not her.
To show you how ignorant my SIL is.........Christmas dinner we had
chicken....US grandma's... From KFC. We all sat down to eat. Melissa
gave Mick a chicken leg because it is easy for him to eat on the bone.
Todd hates any meat with a bone it and I knew that, that is why I
served it. I also served garlic mashed potatoes because I knew Todd
hated them too. I will tell you why in a minute. Anyway, we all had
our food and started to eat (except Todd) he picked the meat off his
chicken leg and gave it to Mick. And SAID Mock black people eat
chicken with bones in it. Dick about gagged and said what the hell did
you say. Todd just chuckled. I said nothing because I didn;t want to
be attacked by my daughter. I just didn't want a scene on Christmas. I
also hid the remote control and lied when I was asked where it was. I
said I didn't know. The reason to all this? Thanksgiving was pure
hell. We all sat down to eat. I fixed turkey which Todd would eat
because there is a lot of meat not on a bone. Mick was seated next to
me and Todd picked him up out of booster seat and held him in his lap.
After 10 minutes Todd announced Micky had to go potty. Mick said no I
don;t daddy. So Todd got up with Mick and we never saw them at the
dinner table again. He had taken Mick to the back bedroom and shut the
door and Todd watched horror movies on the cable horror channel. Mick
watched them also. I didn't know what Todd was watching until after
they went home and I turned the TV on and saw the movies listed. I was
shocked. They didn't leave until 1:30 am! I told them I had to go to bed.
Todd sleeps most of the day and is up all night. Now he has Mick doing
that too. There is so much I could tell you but I just can't write it
all down. Going back to my daughter. I have tried to reach her. But
she is so deep into depression and denial she says she is not unhappy
and I am just trying to cause trouble. She says she couldn't be
happier and I am a trouble maker. Melissa has blocked most everything
out of her head. She has lost control of her life and marriage and all
situations. For a very controlling person this is the worst thing that
could happen. The only thing left to control is her kids and me. I am
her whipping boy. She doesn't want to have her kids away from her. She
is lost then. So they have made the kids afraid to leave their
parents. Example: This summer in August, They were over and getting
ready to leave. Mick asked me if he could spend the night. I said sure
he could. Melissa's face dropped but she said nothing. But Todd picked
up Mick and sat him on his lap. He said to Mick: Our you sure you want
to spend the night Mick? I won;t be here to hold you and smile down at
you while you sleep.
Are you going to be all right? Mick jumped up and said yes he wanted
to spend the night. That was the last time he asked me. Now EVERY time
I am with him the very first thing he says is: Nana I can't spend the
night. Every single time without fail those our the first words out of
his mouth.


I didn't finish the story about thanksgiving dinner. Todd never came
back with Mick to eat. Melissa left his food on a plate. Mind you this
was at 4 we were done with dinner. At 11:30 I noticed the plate was
still in the corner on the counter. I threw it away. No one eats
turkey and other food that sat out for 8 or so hours. I happened to
mention to Melissa that a whole plate of food was wasted. Todd didn;t
even get to eat it because it was left out. She very angrily said I
was the one who wasted the food. Todd never eats food when it is first
served. He likes it to sit out so if anyone wasted it it was me. And
Todd was very upset I threw it away. I can't win for loosing. There is
so much more. I think one reason Melissa tries to keep my at bay is
because she doesn't want me to know everything that goes on. She is
ashamed her life turned out the way to did. As for Madison, she is so
different now Moody, sulks it breaks my heart to see her like this.
Melissa just chalks it up to this is her personality. It is a lot more
then that. It breaks my heart Melissa is living in a dream world.
Soooooo much more to all of this. My role in all of this is I react in
the wrong way. When Melissa says stupid things to me I react wrong.
Instead I should walk away. I am caught in the trap before I know it
and try to defend myself and bam, she has hooked me. She stays real
calm while I am upset. Just what she wants. That was she can reason to
herself she was right al along. She is the same one and I am maniac.
She even says look at you, you can't even control yourself. I don't
want to be around you until you can learn to control yourself. When I
say I am your mother, don't talk to me like that she says I am an
adult I can talk to you anyway I want to. She says this in front of
the kids! If I cry in front of her she says: look at you, you can't
even control yourself. In her eyes, it is all about control. And that
is what she doesn't have right now so she is trying to control me. I
could have had the grandkids Sunday or Monday. She hadn't returned any
phone calls all week (that is another thing she does, she see's it is
me calling and won't answer the phone. Or when I come over she won;'t
come to the door. Not every time but 98% of the time. I went over on
Saturday and she did let me in. She acted so smug I could hardly be
nice to her. And she knew I was upset and that was wrong of me to let
her know that. It gave her power. She always acts overly sweet and has
a big fakey smile on her face. I want to smack that fake smile! I did
it wrong! I told her I was upset she didn't return my calls. She just
acted like I was a trouble maker. In fact that was what she
said...don;t come over to my house just because you want things to go
your way ( I had wanted to do something with the kids) She had nerve
to ask me to watch them so she and Todd could go out, I said no I no
longer was going to do her any favors until she could treat me decent.
(broke my heart to say no) She was shocked I said no tho. She said it
was a shame I had to act like I did and ruin it for everyone. I said
well, the way I saw it it was her that had a big hand in it. She said
it was hard to be nice to a person like me. I asked her to try
something. I said call me on NYE like she used to and act like she
cared for me. She said she wouldn't because she wouldn't play my sick
games. She didn't call at all. I told her that would make me happy and
it would be a new start. But she didn;t call. She is afraid and is at
rock bottom and feels like she is spinning out of control. She will
deny it all. She denys everything she tells me. You asked about
Madison Dianne, she is suffering from what ever goes on in that house.
She is afraid to leave her mother. And the second she sences trouble
whther it be a word or a look she is at her mothers side in a flash.
Through all this Melissa says she couldn't be happier!

That is a little of what I am going thru. Does anyone know about PA?
(passive aggression) I need help also. I don;'t always know how to
handle the situation. I have been told people who are PA are the worse
kind of people to have to deal with. And I can tell you that is true.
They know how to twist everything around so you think you are nuts and
going insane. They like you to carry there frustrations, anger and
every other bad feeling they have so it looks like they are nice sweet
normal people and your are the maniac. Which believe me I have been!
And that is just what she wanted me to be. Angry so she didn;t have to
be. I am getting better at my responces to her but I am not real good
yet. Not by far. In the meantime these are my only 2 grandkids. She
knows she has me by the throat. And she can let me see them or not.
Which just recently I was told I could not go to any of Mick's soccer
games. He played pee wee soccer for 7 weeks. I was told I better not
show up. That Todd and Melissa decided they didn;t want an entrouge
showing up while Mick played soccer. I said 1 person wasn't a crowd.
She said I was to unpredictable and they didn;t want me there.
I sobbed my eyes out I tell you! This is all insane and I am living in
a nitemare!

Now some things I didn't mention are, they filed bankruptcy 2 months
ago, They have no money, They have mice running everywhere because my
daughter has given up on keeping a clean house since Todd never helped
and spilled everything under the sun everywhere. She tried for a long
time to keep things up and gave up this year. She went inside a shell,
built a metal fence with an iron door, is dazed most of the time. We
suspect some kind of drugs. No proof tho. They have no decent car.
Doesn't work half the time. Even if they had jobs which neither do
altho SIL does get a paycheck since it is a family owned business. Not
sure how long that will last. But it has since June. Maybe they just
wanted him out so they took away his job but still pay him to stay
away???!!
You would not know they are so destatute by how they look. The inlaws
are wealthy and buy the kids clothes from kid designers. They are fed,
do have a roof altho it leaks, do everything as a family. Even all
sleep in the same room and even eat in the parents bed. They have a
kitchen table but you can't see it. Junk piled sky high and SIL builds
his model cars there. And the dishes are only washed when needed.

My daughter has no friends at all. And my SIL has lost all his as well.

There is a lot more but at this point, I just want to see my grandkids
and keep myself from having a heart attack. I alos need to help
myself. I do everything wrong when I am speaking to my daughter and
this has to stop. I have to fix me!

Is anyone a grandma in this group?
Thanks so much for listening to me,
Cindy from Michigan

PS
it isn't just me, my daughter has no use for her brother or sister.
She has no contact with them. Her brother is 3 years younger and lives
15 mins from her and she has a sister in Oregon that is 5 years
younger. She has no use for her brother because he gets easly
depressed and was on meds for awhile. That was a weakness in my
daughters eyes. So whe wrote him off. Her sister is overweight. I am
not sure why she has no conatct with her she hasn't told me. She did
tell me Jon had problems and she didn't want to be around him.
HELP!