Lindsay--
What I see here is that since you are super willing and desiring to stay w/ him,
he can pretty much do whatever he wants. I know you love him, but if you don't
love yourself enough to get boundaries, you will always end up being the
unimportant one in this relationship. PA people are remarkably selfish and
controlling, and you will be dumped on when you're not being controlled.
However, if you come up with some behaviors you don't want to tolerate anymore,
such as, I won't tolerate being yelled at (for instance) and a consequence (when
I'm yelled at, I leave the room/house/phone call and take 10 minutes for myself)
you will show him and yourself that you care enough to only tolerate kindness,
caring, and appropriate treatment. Recognize that as you get boundaries and
start administering consequences, your bf will NOT like it and will do any and
everything to get you to cut it out, accuse you of being selfish, controlling,
he will perhaps be very mean, or ignore you, whatever. He doesn't like his plans
to be messed with.
But you have 2 choices-- stay with him like things are, and be okay with it
(which is possible if you can really just not let it bug you) or take the risk
of setting limits in the hope that you will improve things. You chance losing
him, and if you're not willing to take that chance, then you'd better come up w/
some strategies on how to deal w/ him just like he is (and find other people to
spend the holidays with, year after year after year, and be totally fine with
this.)
Good luck!
Jen


To: passiveaggressivesupport@yahoogroups.com
From: monicaashton@...
Date: Tue, 1 Jan 2008 07:12:39 +0000
Subject: [Passive Aggressive Support] Re: Any help will be great!!




















Hi Lindsay,



Welcome! Sounds like you are very observant. Congrats on coming to

terms with the situation and trying to figure out a way to make it

work for you, whatever the outcome.



I can tell you that once I figured out what the problem was (I

started to research passive aggressive personality disorder), I was

able to detach from it since I knew why he did some of the things he

did, and that made it a lot easier to deal with. I didn't

personalize it as much. If anything, I feel sorry for the way my guy

was brought up, and I try to empathize, but not at my own expense.



I ended up not being able to live with my boyfriend (it stressed me

out too much), but we still see each other on weekends and holidays

now. Once I started to pull away for my own good, ironically, it

seemed to help our situation. He didn't want to lose me, and me

leaving made it pretty obvious to him that it might end. It actually

forced the issue. As a result, he's now in therapy, has been

reading, "Living with the Passive Aggressive Male," and we're in

couples' counseling, actually talking about all of this. He has been

working on his issues, slowly, and I'm able to continue to live my

life without feeling so stressed out all the time.



Hope this gives you some hope as we enter the New Year. :)



Hang in there,

Monica



--- In passiveaggressivesupport@yahoogroups.com, Lindsay Nielson

<lindsly05@...> wrote:

>

> Hi

>

> My name is Lindsay and I am in desperate need for suggestions and

solutions. It's more than obvious that the boyfriend I have had for 2

years is struggling with Passive aggression and It has taken a toll

on me emotionally.. I am always confused by his behavior and feel

that he constantly causes fights before holidays so he can go and do

his own thing. He then comes back and acts like nothing ever

happened and I usually give in because I desire so deeply to have a

relationship with him.. He comes from a very disturbing background..

Parents put him in the middle of a divorce and he has anger issues

with his mom. He avoids showing any affection and goes out of his

way to make me feel unloved by calling me names and picking on me. I

believe, I too have a problem with co-dependency and really need some

encouragement to get out of this and stay strong.. Any suggestions

will be greatly appreciated.

>

> Thanks,

>

> Lindsay

>

>

> ---------------------------------

> Never miss a thing. Make Yahoo your homepage.

>

> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

>
























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