Why does it still hurt?
Why do I feel hurt and he doesn't?
Why did I kick him out of our home?
I couldn't take anymore stress,
his ignoring me
his ignoring my children
2 beautiful, sweet, smart teenage daughters
that he promised to be a 'forever' dad to.
He knew how their real father abused them
He said he'd ALWAYS be there for them.
He loved them.
We were family.
He loved me.
Even while contacting old girlfriends
And saying that I never existed,
I was engaged to him
He tells his new girlfriend that "it's all in her head"
I was wearing his engagement ring
He was living with me.
I was a nobody.
The pain.
All the other women.
On the Internet.
"It's just a game"he said.
"I love only you"
"You are my soulmate"
"You are my life"
Yet he was promising marriage to other women.
The night after we had gotten our marriage license.
To the other women:
"I love you"
"I have no one"
I was no one.
I wasn't special.
I was never enough.
I was "psycho".
If I got pushed too far.
I was "bi-polar",
If he stressed me out.
I was everything that he was.
I was hurting.
My girls were hurting.
3 years we lived like this.
I asked him to leave.
To get therapy.
He preferred the homeless shelter to us.
There he could use the internet.
More women.
I begged him to come home.
He would say:
"I'm doing God's work"
"I don't know if I should put God or family first"
He would tell the girls
"I'm just working at the shelter, I'll be home in the morning"
Morning never came.
More excuses.
"I got locked in the freezer"
Until I gave up and didn't ask anymore.
Then it became MY fault that he was at the shelter.
Everything was my fault.
He was NEVER to blame.
Now he has cancer.
Of course, its my fault.
I wished it on him.
He says
"How sick is THAT?"
So I'm the sick one.
I'm trying to move on.
I relocated to another town,
To get rid of his memories...
they still live in my soul.
I don't know where he is
How he is
And I won't contact him,
I'm trying to start over,
For my girls
For me
It's so hard.
I'm so tired.
I feel so guilty.
Why did I kick him out of our home?
Stress and his ignoring me and not talking to my girls
Good reasons I know
In my head
But my heart just isn't there yet.
Fights late at night
for no reason.
I'm still afraid late at night.
He left me with nightmares.
My girls fight nightmares every night
of him coming after us with a knife,
to kill us.
I still love him
Yet I want to kill him.
OMG
Will I ever understand?