Thanks, Jen, and hi group,
You're right, I have probably let this go on too long. I met him a couple
months after I separated from my husband, then after the divorce, maybe I just
didn't want another thing to fail. Plus I hate to give up on people, and always
am very focused on the good in them, that I put up with a lot. I am a very
easy-going type person. And I really thought we were a good match, both no kids
and don't want any, both settled in our lives with our own homes, neither one of
us was looking for a relationship that would have to end in marriage, and we
have a lot of common interests, and he makes me laugh with his weird humor.

I called tonight and asked him if he wanted to talk about the letter. He said
yeah, and is coming over tomorrow evening. I am suspicious and think this is one
of those times where the p-a knows they are about to mess up, so he will be nice
now for a while. I was very surprised he agreed to talk so easily. So we' ll see
what happens. I know my feelings changed a little since the Christmas incident,
that makes me really sad. But I am still not quite ready to never see him again,
maybe that is wrong, but I have to go with it for now.

Deb



Mustoe <editorjenniferleigh@...> wrote: I
think it's great you're asking for what you want, but don't back down. And
frankly, every person has problems, but if I were single and knew I was dating
either a PA or commitment phobic person, I'd dump him. What are you getting
from this relationship? If it's enough, be happy. If not, say what you want,
and don't settle for anything less.
Good luck!
Jen

-----Original Message-----
From: piecesofthenight <piecesofthenight2006@...>
To: p-a group <passiveaggressivesupport@yahoogroups.com>
Date: Sun, 7 Jan 2007 17:15:51 -0800 (PST)
Subject: [Passive Aggressive Support] trying to be assertive

Hi group,

Tonight I saw the b/f. Went by his house after work Fri. night but he didn't
want to do anything because of having to work Saturday. Said he would have, if
not for that. Saturday didn't hear from him all day. Saturday nights he goes out
with his (only) two friends. In the beginning, it was us going out on that
night, then we all went together, now I am completely excluded, even though I
like his friends, and they like me. Surprise, surprise. So now the pattern is
only see me on Sunday or during the day. I have said I would like to be taken
out on Fri. or Sat. and that basically life is passing by and I am sitting home
every Saturday. I have tried to be assertive and tell him things must change or
I will find someone else to do things on the weekend with.

So today I get a call, do I want to come over for homemade pizza. I had a late
lunch, wasn't really hungry, and had put my car in the garage and was planning
to read some library books and not go anywhere else today. But I said yes and
went anyway. Could have kicked myself because I have never turned him down for
plans, and this would have been a good time to stand up for myself. But I went,
but didn't stay long.

Now I just got off the phone with him after trying to assert my wants and
needs. I did some reading on the Internet on some p-a stuff first, so I thought
it would be a good idea to be direct and firm with what I want, and try and
begin to stop just putting up with it.

First call. Woke him up ( he sleeps a lot, and at all hours). I felt guilty and
asked if he wanted to go back to his nap. He said yes so we hung up.

Couple of minutes later, second call. Got my nerve back up. Told him thanks for
thinking of me with the pizza and making one w/o mushrooms for me. But I don't
see many changes, so what I expect is the next time I see him, we go out in the
evening. The first time can be during the week, but the second time should be a
weekend. He said something about sleeping and being too tired to listen to this
bullshit. I pointed out that it was only 7 pm and he had all evening to rest up
for work (he does get up very early for work) and I would not have called if I
had known I would have woken him up, but since he was awake now, I wanted to say
what I needed to say. So then he repeated something about how he is going to go
now, because he is tired. And sometimes he says bye and hangs up without waiting
for me, but this time he said bye but waited, so I said fine, go ahead and hang
up, I'll let you go, bye.

Did I handle this correctly? I am trying to be prepared to turn down his plans
if they aren't what I outlined in my conversation with him. So if I don't hear
from him this week, and he wants to get together during the day sat. or sun.,
should I say no and hold out for a nighttime date?

Also, am I crazy to even put up with this?

Thanks,
Debra

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