I'm giving support to my son lately, who's trying to pull his life together. He
has been really up for a while and he crashed today. I think we forget that it
takes time sometimes to let all the new self settle in.
Lisa, don't be too hard on yourself. We all have down days. It's that we
realize, oh crap, I wish I wasn't here, that we start looking for ways to pull
ourselves out of the hole.
And ~grin~ I've always found that tex-mex makes me feel happy! ;>)
Jen

-----Original Message-----
From: "Lisa Sears" <scorpio19th@...>
To: passiveaggressivesupport@yahoogroups.com
Date: Sat, 02 Dec 2006 04:18:17 -0000
Subject: [Passive Aggressive Support] bright sunny day

I had the strangest thing happen to me today.

I live in Texas, and it's never very cold here. But
the last few days it's been a little colder, and very
overcast and windy. We even had a nice thunderstorm
two nights ago.

Now, I actually enjoy rainy days, and I really love
lightning and thunderstorms. But the bright clean
air afterwards, especially when the sun is bright,
that is SO beautiful and peaceful.

So today, when it turned out to be freezing cold but
the brightest sunshine we've had in days, why oh why
was I so depressed?

I wracked my brain trying to pinpoint what my problem
was, and couldn't come up with anything. No bad
dreams, no headache, no argument with my husband, no
sad episodes on ER, no serious big bill that needs
paying ASAP, nothing.

The only thing I could think of was that, when the
weather is nice, the sun is shining, and everything
is right with the world, 'normal' people are up and
about, getting outside and doing lots of things.

And I don't have anything worthwhile to do any more,
my family estrangement is almost a year old, I lost
my job over a year ago. I have multiple sclerosis
so I'm not as strong and active as I was a few years
ago.

So even without the bipolar and/or borderline, I
really have no incentive to get off my lazy b*tt,
because everything's doing fine without me, and has
been for a year.

And THAT is exactly why I'm depressed. Even if I
had the inclination and enthusiasm to do anything,
there wouldn't be anything for me to do. And I
haven't felt so useless in a long time.

Guess that's what comes from being an Enabler all
my life. I'm used to going and doing and helping
constantly, and these days I feel like it's a real
accomplishment if I'm the one who walks the 500' to
the road to get the newspaper and the mail.

Sorry for dumping, folks. And I did recover for the
most part, maybe because I stopped fretting about the
cause, and just accepted it as a fact... I was way
down this morning.

But around noon I just asked my husband if we could
go eat Tex-Mex like we've been planning all week, he
said yes and, once I got up and got outside, the sun
WAS beautiful and everything was okay.

I just thought it was such a bummer, after working on
my deepening depression for a year now, and feeling
like I'm finally making some progress, it hits me all
over again, and for absolutely no good reason.

Anyway, thanks for listening. Take care. Later.