I've been thinking a lot about anger lately, because I am angry at my hb almost
all the time. I'm PMS right now, so that only exacerbates things. *sigh*
However, I've been wondering why I'm always so angry, and this morning I was
about to pray to have HF help me let go of the anger, and I felt really
resistant. I asked myself, why do I feel the need to stay angry? What am I
getting from it?
The answer is always the same-- it keeps me safe. The last few weeks, my hb and
I have been fighting a lot. I basically try to keep away from him most of the
time, his PA is totally in control of his interactions, and it is very difficult
to live with. Our discussions usually go like this:
One of us will bring up a feeling, like I will say, when you leave the house
without your cell phone, I don't feel safe.
He says, I was only going to the corner store.
Then he tells me he couldn't find what he was looking for at the corner store,
DROVE BY OUR HOUSE, not once but twice, looking for this thing (a throwaway
paper) and didn't stop by to tell me he was going other places or to pick up the
phone. (this is an issue we've had before, and he has promised to always have
his phone, but finds all kinds of 'reasons' why he doesn't need to abide by this
commitment.) So then I say again, I don't feel safe when you're driving all
over town without your cell phone.
And then he does the classic thing that drives me wild, which is paints himself
as doing this eensy weensy little thing, he's not trying to hurt me, and he is
just so innocent, and I'm freaking out. He is always making himself out to be
sooooooo perfect/innocent/blameless, and I'm the pariah.
His script is: all I did was _______, but YOU, you did _________ and my 'thing'
is always horrible, while his is usually innocuous, and presented as if what he
did was good, and even in my best interest. Then when I say, well, I don't see
it that way, my hb says he's too tired to hear it, too sick, or I'm blaming if I
say anything else.
I have so had it with this kind of blame. And so I stay angry. I need to be
'ready' when he says things like this.
However, I'm seeing my therapist today, and I'm going to talk to him about the
anger I feel and if I can come up with a healthier way of deflecting this blame
I get from my hb daily.
I will say, my life is less angry on the whole because my hb's back to teaching,
which is such a relief.
Thx for letting me share. Comments welcome.
Jen

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