Hi, I hate everyone and have for a long time. I'm such a user of
people, especially women. I go into almost every situation with a
disguise of niceness which I've crafted carefully through the years.
Then when I get what I want, I'm out, just like a thief. I don't
have many friends, and the ones I do, I've betrayed constantly. My x-
fiance said to me, you know what you asshole, you have a passive
aggressive disorder. I think she still loves me, but she knows
better than to mess with me when I haven't been treated for this. It
really sucks being this way and I wish I was not. I sincerely wish I
was normal. I pray about it, but there's this other side of me.

I call this side...ROCKSTAR! I behave like how a rock star would
when I get in to the PA mode. I could give a flying f!@# about you
or your issues and you'd better be doing something for me or else
you're just wasting my time. I get incredibly conceited, vain,
greedy, crass, and desire to be extolled. That's another thing about
me in this mode, I totally try to pull this superior than you
complex. I make it a point to make the other person feel like shit
based on their lack of production for me. This will come out with a
sesquipedalian air (means use of long words) to make the other person
feel stupid. This is total bullshit, I know. I'm really sorry for
being this way, but it's second nature and although I constantly try
to police it, it just comes out and defeats me.

That leads to my depression. I feel like a failure all the time
because I'm not winning the fight. HELL NO I won't tell anyone
though, because of my emotional inavailability to all. That is where
my loneliness comes from. See, I know about all this and I don't
want to hurt any more people. So in an effort to stop, I've gone
into self imposed solitary. I dropped everyone. That leads me to my
saddness. I'm totally sad because of my situation. I don't feel
happy at all. Especially in the fact that I destroy people in such a
way.

I wanna beat this thing. Thus, my appeal to you all.