I myself haven't been abused by a person with Huntington's but I'd
like to offer some information that I've gotten from people like the
social workers from HDSA and the psychiatrists at Johns Hopkins...
From what they have told me, one of the earliest things to go is
your judgment, ie you are handling your finances badly but you don't
even realize it, you are treating people badly but can't see it etc.
So I would think that one of the major problems with giving
ultimatums is that he might not even realize that what he's doing is
wrong. I know I'm having an issue with my Dad insisting that he
doesn't have symptoms and won't for 10 years (hes 48 now) I'm fairly
certain he has the beginning symptoms and even if he doesn't he will
soon, definitely in a lot less than 10 years. I spoke to the
psychiatrist at Hopkins about this and she said that one of the
problems is, is saying these things because he believes them because
the Huntington's has affected his brain or because he wants to
protect me or doesn't want to admit that he'll need help soon.
Now beyond that question, of course even if the HD is affecting his
mind and all that, you have to protect your self and your daughter.
Unfortunately from what I've heard, if he's becoming violent now, it
could get worse and there's really no way to control it. BUT, I
would try to figure out how it's best to talk to him instead of
setting up an ultimatum. Most people don't deal with ultimatums well
in my experience, even when they aren't sick. Also, as most people
will tell you, HD affects people different ways, feel him out and
try to compel him to go. IE I know you love ____ (daughters name)
and I know that you'd never do anything to hurt her. Because of the
way HD affects people, I really think that you should go see a
doctor.,,," If he doesn't have any family in the area and it's
possible, maybe volunteer to go with him, for emotional support. He
could be scared I mean I obviously don't know what's going on in his
head, but on one hand.. Man I might have HD, I watched my mom go
through this and I don't want to have it." but on the other hand...
(if he realizes it) " I'm hurting my family, this is not me."
I for one would be pretty terrified. I mean.. your darned if ya do
and darned if ya don't in that situation. Maybe that's what he's
thinking and he's making the wrong decision because of it. Obviously
all this is just guess work. No one knows what another person
thinks, especially with HD affecting their brain.
I feel that as in any situation he should know that you care about
him and that's why you want him to see a doctor. I don't know what
else to tell you. Ultimately you and your daughter's safety trumps,
but I'd try other angles first. Obviously you love him or you
wouldn't be married to him..
Okay I was about to end this but finally found your post on HDAC
(never been there before myself) It really does sound like HD,
although I'm not a medical professional. I mean, gradually (but
suddenly i know a contradiction) becoming more violent and angry is
a sign, but also, the fact that we(people w/o onset HD)
think "rationally" and think that if we started having strange
behavior we'd accept that we might have it and go to the doctors. At
least that's what I think, but obviously once the onset happens, I
have seen that our minds don't work like that anymore. Also, the
irrational anger is a big one, that I've seen on every site, every
person I talk to etc. Now this isn't set in stone, and I'm sure you
know this, but generally they are seeing that when it's passed down
Mother to child age of onset is earlier. It really is a hard
situation to be in.. on one hand whatever his actions or his
decision to not go to the doctor, if he has HD aren't "his fault" on
the other hand, like I said before, you and your children's safety
has to come first. I can only imagine how hard it is for other
people in this situation, and hope that I never have to go through
it. I have several ideas on how to address it to him, to try to coax
him to go, but I'll end this post because its getting to long. I
will say that when I had problems (and probably will again)
approaching problems with my Dad, the social worker at HDSA was very
helpful suggesting different ways, It was also nice to talk to
someone who understood my struggle.
I hope I don't offend anyone here.. but one of the people I talked
to made the comment that sometimes she thinks its harder for the
families,than it is for the HD sufferers. There's many arguments for
and against that, even in my own head, but I do understand the
sentiments...
I'm not sure where you'd want to call, so I have the Massachusetts
Chapter and Oklahoma chapter information here for HDSA if you want
to use it.
Oklahoma Chapter
1313 Val Genes Road
Edmond, OK 73003
phone: 405-236-4372
http://www.okhdsa.org/
okhdsa@...

Massachusetts Chapter
1253 Worchester Road
suite 202
Framingham, MA 01701
phone: 508-872-8102
888-872-8102
fax: 508-872-8103
http://www.hdsa-ne.org/

If you'd actually like to hear more of my opinionated talk, I'm
redheadf18 on yahoo. thats also my email address. (btw I'm 22 at
risk, in PA)


Colleen
--- In onebighuntingtonsfamily@yahoogroups.com, "gimsnyoga"
<gimsnyoga@...> wrote:
>
> Hi, Am curious to hear from people who have had to set ultimatums
with
> spouses due to physical/verbal abuse? My husband is at risk, age
42.
> (Mom's onset was about mid 40s.) He's been becoming increasinly
angry
> and has had a few physical incidents with myself (mostly grabbing,
> pushing, nothing causing serious injury although I did have a
bruise.
> Aggressively grabbed our 5 yr. old daughter - causing her to wet
her
> pants and tell her grammie that "daddy hurt her." ) Am now
separating,
> consulting an attorney, etc. He's in the state we live in and I'm
> almost 2,000 miles away visiting my mom. Thanks. (I wrote a longer
> post on the HDAC site under "Husband" I told him he must see
> nuerologist for us to even consider reconciliation.
>