StarryTartan,

Wow, Im sorry I I have made you feel upset as you did seem pretty annoyed in
your reply. Hurting someone or making someone take offense was definetly not my
goal.

I understand that you have not been happy by the way Ive handled my illness.
Keep in mind that I have only realised that there is a problem with me (I wont
say I have OCD anymore as apparently this can only be assumed if you see a gp)
for a relatively short time in my life and so may not be handling it in the
correct way. This was the sole reason I joined this group and I thank you for
your opinions and advice.

Im pretty sure I do have OCD. I didnt just assume I had the illness without
thinking at all. I did alot of reading on the internet including lots of stuff
on CBT, I emailed a doctor dealing with OCD and read many forums about people
who suffer from the illness. However having said this I agree it possible that I
have some other illness and the only way to find out is to see a gp. So why then
have I kept this such a secret to my family? Its a few things. Firstly I think I
can defeat this illness on my own and secondly I dont know how they would react
if I did tell them. My family isnt the very close, supportive type. There are
always lots of arguments and lots of members are overseas. We have also been
brought up to be emotionally strong and its not the type of family that
encourages expressing our feelings. I am obviously aware that by telling them it
would make things alot easier but its not that easy for me.

I am a little confused to how youve taken offense to my description of the OCD.
If I do have OCD I would still persist that it is a horrible illness. This does
not mean in any way that you or me are horrible and I dont know why youve made
this connection. If a person had cancer I would say that cancer is also a
horrible illness - it does not mean that person is horrible. 'Horrible' is just
how ive described my illness, not me.

I will describe my illness a bit here so that people can have their opinions.
Firstly the illness did not solely occur during my exams and did not 'oddly
enough' dissapear after my exams were over. This is something I live with
everyday but upon trying new things I believe I have made an improvement.

I find it hard to pinpoint exacly what starts my obsession because they range
from absolutely anything. However what I have noticed is the obsessions seem to
work against and get worse in relation to whatever my goals may be eg if I want
to go well in an exam I will worry excessively about not going well and hence
wont go well. - here are some of the things off memory and the included
reasoning behind these wants:

- Wanting to touch a surface over and over again because my brain might 'forget'
what surface felt like.
- When reading a book. Wanting to obsessively re-read what i have just read
just in case I forgot how the story goes (even though I really know I havent
forgotten)
- Before making a phone call. Obsessively analysing how the conversation is
meant to go and what could go wrong and remembering all the things to say. (I
can waste hours thinking about this) This is reduced in normal calls but say a
call to a girl I like it gets really bad.
- Doing an assignment, writing a resume, doing anything worthy: takes me ALOT of
time as my mind needs to make sure everything is how it should be. Afterwards I
will then over think how I could have written it better / what effect it will
have.
-Speeches - Constantly overthinking what to say to the extent that it becomes
redicoulous.
- More unusual things include trying to see 'images' in my eyes when they are
shut and trying to bite my tongue. Both my eyes and tongue have become really
sore because of this.

These are just some of the millions of things that I can get obsessed over. Now
the reason I think Ive improved is that in the past I really just used to let
these obsessions take control of me, even before my exams. It all had to do with
my response to these obsessions. In the past Id give into them thinking that if
I did that it would all go away. However this of course doesnt happen and it
just comes back stronger the next time you think of it.

However now I try my best NOT to give in. If this is increadibly unsuaul and a
terrible way to handle it please tell me, as you seemed quite baffled and even
annoyed at me mentioning this. If i have a certain obsession Ill quickly tell
myself how Im going to deal with that obsession and then I accept the very
strong feeling telling me to compulse. I learnt that it really does work.
Comparing myself now to myself last year and all the years before that I
definetly have more time to live my life the way I want and not how my obsessive
mind wants. If you think its because i dont have the stress of my exams as to
the reason why things have improved there may be some truth there but I
personally beleive I have improved in general. Im not saying im cured but I know
ive improved.

Im sorry to hear that you think that I have no idea what your going through and
I am a bit hurt only because you think so negatively of my situation. However I
have taken what you have said as good advice. It is still a learning process for
me.

If anyone has any comments / advice / suggestions Id lvoe to hear them.

Jamie











starrytartan <no_reply@yahoogroups.com> wrote:
Hi Jamie,
I haven't posted in a while...but when I do, I usually go OTT. And,
this might be such a case. Apologies first and foremost.

I'm glad you found this group and first, please be welcomed to our
group. My opinions are only that...MY opinions. So, if I say
anything to offend you, please do not count this as the whole group.

I have some issues with your post. You say you "self diagnosed"
yourself with OCD. Have you been properly diagnosed? There are
millions of things out there that SOUND like OCD, but until a doctor
or psychiatrist diagnose you, I wouldn't treat myself as having OCD.
1> There is cognitive behaviour therapy (CBT) that can do a great
deal, 2> Just speaking to a dr who knows what he's doing can be a
great help, and 3> Medications help a bunch!!!
You say your situation with OCD seems to get worse during stressful
periods. This may or MAY NOT be OCD. Many illnesses can bring on OCD
symptoms, in certain situations, but, again, are not OCD. It could be
an illness that is certainly OCD related.
You say the fear of doing bad on your exams and took you an hour to
learn something that should have taken a short while. That could
simply be STRESS. Depending on how much your parents put on you to
pass the exams, how much you put on yourself...you could simply be
having the SYMPTOMS of OCD, brought on by a traumatic event or situation.
You say you now know how to control it...but don't say HOW you control
it. And, oddly enough, your symptoms have dwindled now that your
exams are over and you don't have to set them again.
You say you have "learnt that not giving in and just accepting that
terrible compulsive feeling really does work". What exactly are you
saying here? Are you saying that you are not giving in? Are you
saying that you just accept that have these feelings?
And, if you'll excuse me...I have a RIGHT PROBLEM with this next bit:
You write:>>>>>No one knows that I have OCD (not my parents, friends
etc) except myself and now you! I dont think Ill ever tell my close
family.
I must ask...WHY? WHY haven't you told them? WHY don't you think
you'll ever tell your close family? I don't get that part. AND, if
you did go to doctor and was clinically diagnosed, you would see why
it is so important to tell your family. Why it is important to tell
your friends. Hell, everyone I meet, practically, knows I have OCD.
I know it's up to the individual...but 99% of the time, a doctor will
either tell you to tell your family members...or will ask for a
meeting with them.
PLUS, if word doesn't get out and everyone sits back and hides in the
corner, then we're no better off than we were 20 years ago when OCD
was still classed as a MENTAL ILLNESS, which it is not. It is a
CHEMICAL IMBALANCE. If we hid it, we might as well go back 20 years
and tape Patty Duke's (Anna) mouth shut. We might as well go back to
dunking each other in cold water...or giving each other shock
treatment!!!!
Then, you go on to say, you're still on about those exam marks...and
you say "they also know I could have gone better"...WHY? Why would
have done any better? How on earth would your parents know what you
are capable of? Then you say, "but unfortunately don't know why I
didn't go better"...well, I would say that is probably because you
didn't speak up and say I MIGHT HAVE OCD or another illness. Then you
say "which makes me look stupider (more stupid) than I really am."
Are you saying your stupid because you may have OCD? Are you saying
that what might beOCD hindered your work so poorly, but yet you passed?
Are you aware that if you are diagnosed, you are classified as
mentally disabled. Therefore, you have to have allowances made for
you. When I test for certain things at work, I have allowances made,
BY LAW. When I passed with really high marks, I decided to see HR
about giving me the test with no allowances, figuring I might do
pretty/fairly well. Well, I bombed.
I'm no proud that I have OCD and it's certainly not something that I
asked for. However, because I am mentally disabled, I will use my
allowances that the law made for me.
You also call it a HORRIBLE ILLNESS. I really take offense to that.
It's part of me, and I have had it since age 12. To say that my
illness is horrible, it is saying that *I* am horrible...and I'm no.
I am a regular person that happens to have OCD.
You also say that you feel for us...you know exactly what we're going
through. You don't know what I'M going through. IF you have OCD, you
haven't owned up to the fact and admitted, really, to yourself that
you MIGHT have OCD. I've admitted to myself, my husband (at the
time), my now husband, my parents, my family, my friends, my work.
Mainly, to myself. And, if you'll pardon me...I do not see where you
have "improved". You're still hiding in the corner...IF you even have
OCD.
You say you have got through it...no you haven't. Not if it's OCD.
You don't "get through" OCD. And, it doesn't just last a short while
(even a long while) and then let up. It doesn't work that way. I'm
43 years old...and I would not say that even *I* have improved or got
through it. I've learned over the years to DEAL WITH IT and live with it.



I best stop now, cause I could go on and on and on...but I dinnae want
Denise to ban me...or kick me out.
Mainly, my suggestion to you, is go to a doctor, first. Period. If
you've done that, then go to therapy. If you've done that...go to CBT.

Thanks for listening,
Charmaine/Star




---------------------------------
Yahoo! Groups Links

To visit your group on the web, go to:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ocdsupportuk/

To unsubscribe from this group, send an email to:
ocdsupportuk-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

Your use of Yahoo! Groups is subject to the Yahoo! Terms of Service.



---------------------------------
Do You Yahoo!?
Yahoo! Small Business - Try our new Resources site!

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]