Dear Dr. Claiborn or Dr. Jenike.I have a lot of questions.
Dr.Claiborn already told me that compulsive
buying,eating,smoking,drinking,using drugs and traveling actually are
impulses and not OCD. But I know for sure I have OCD from age
14.Please read my"OCD and Mania" long E-Mail,which I sent few days
ago.My question is: I get very angry,irritable and impatient with me
and the whole world.When I am waiting in lines in stores or markets,
I curse people waiting in front of me in my mind,especially,when they
take their time or pay with checks.I also have road rage.I always
argue with my mom about stupid things.She always tells me to do
something and I tell her, that I will not do it at first. But
eventually I always do,what she says. I have a superstition,that my
mother is always right.I don't argue with my wife very often,
because ,if I argue with her about something,she just says;
whatever.I get very irritable,especially,when I am
hungry.Usually,when I eat proteins,like meat and cheese, I feel a lot
better.Carbohydrates help me less,especially the simple ones, like
sugar. Potatoes,rice,pasta and bread help me more.Years ago I thought
I might have low blood sugar. I did the glucose tolerance test and
they did not find anything. My father was the same way: he had OCD
and he was a workaholic. If something did not go his way, he would
curse and scream.But both of us don't show our anger to others. Only
my mom and wife see that. Other people think, that I am very peaceful
and reasonable man,which I am not at all.Are all people with OCD are
irritable,angry and impatient?I also get angry at my rituals. I have
to fix my apartment every day certain way,every object goes in it's
proper place.But I get tired and irritable by doing them, even though
I don't have a choice;I have to do it.Sometimes I take short cuts:
since taking the shower or shaving is very burdensome for me,there
are days I just don't take them,just to avoid the rituals during
doing them.When there is something to be done in future, it stresses
me out in the beginning ususally,until I get used to it and put in my
calendar.It takes time for my brain to digest the information.I am
also dreaded on the idea of moving from my apartment.That is why we
live already 14 years in the same place.If one day we really move, I
have to go somewhere during that time and my wife and her brother
have to move our belongings to the new apartment. I rent my place and
by law every 7 years the Landlord has to paint it,change the carpet
and some other fixings.It has not been done yet. My wife every year
writes letters to him , that it is time to fix the
apartment.Afterwards ususaly I call the Landlord and tell him not to
fix anything. He gets happy,because he is not going to spend any
money. Last week my wife sent the letter to him again, but this time
I am not going to call him,let him fix it this time.In order to fix
it,they have to move all our belongings and furniture and that is why
stressing me out. Maybe, during that time, I will travel
somewhere,just not to see it.I used to work in the Bank till
1993,when I had a nervous breakdown and I had to go on disablity. I
used to be a Manager of the Bank till 1991, when I got demoted for
not following the procedures.That hurt me a lot:I started paying
attention, that I can't see far well and started paying attention at
floaters in front of my eyes. I tried to wear glasses. But I never
got used to them:I would throw them away,when I was getting stressed
at something.All day long I used to think,that I was nearsighted and
see floaters in front of my eyes.I used to hit myself too and hurt me
with sharp objects.When I was home, I would pay attention at noises
that cars were making,when passing by our apartment and not sleep all
night.In 1993 I finally went on disability.From 1996 to 1998 I was in
Hospitals for at least 25 times,I've seen almost the same amount of
psychiatrists and I've tried to commit suicide 7 times.I've taken all
kinds of
medications:depakote,prozac,zoloft,paxil,wellbutrin,risperdal,cogentin
,ativan,xanax,valium,klonopin and others. I also took 18 sessions of
ECT treatmens, which did not help me. I don't know, why they gave me
ECT,since I did not have any depression. It's just gave me short term
memory loss for 2 years.Right now I take:225mg of effexor, 2,5mg of
zyprexa and 50 mg of luvox.The current Doctor is the most
compassionate and knowledgeable Doctor,that I had.They don't make
brand luvox anymore. Is the generic,I think it's fluvoxamine,is as
good ,as the brand one.My symptoms now are:impulsive
buying,eating,drinking,using drugs and traveling. I used to smoke 3
packs of Marlboro until 10 days ago,when I quit for the 100th time
already. I have elborate rituals,I am a perfectionist.Although there
are a lot of things in our apartment,everything is in order and have
a certain place.When I think of something to do or buy or go,I have
to act on it to alleviate the anxiety and obsessive thoughts.I don't
have as much and as often anxiety ,as before.Anti-anxiety medications
never help me,so goes for the herbs.Unfortunately, for anxiety only
drinking,using drugs and time helps it.I went to Medical School in
Armenia for 5 years and I knew,which medication to take to get high.I
was self medicating myself.I used to take even some Anti-Parkinsonism
pills,which would make me very slow and give me a velvety feeling.I
would like to go to work one day,but just the idea is stressing me
out. I've tried volunteer jobs in at least 7 or 8 places, butI was
quitting after going there for a day. My will of power is very weak
now. I get very tired and I feel very weak. I also gained a lot of
weight(at least 70 ponds) and I sweat escessively.I also get manic
episodes sometimes,when I don't sleep for days, I talk non-stop and I
do a lot of activities in a day.I think Dr. claiborn answered me
about my repeating senseless words and phrases to my wife and my mom
only, over and over again.I don't repeat those words and phrases to
other people, so I have some control over it.I am asking the same
question again,is that a mild form of Tourret's Syndrome? I also
can't keep a secret from anybody,which started in 1988. Before that I
was able to lie and cheat to a lot of people.But after that day,I
have to tell,especially my mom and my wife about every single thing I
did during the day.I was not able to keep anything to myself.Is is
some kind of guilt related OCD.I feel guilty,if I've done something
bad and not told them.I also have some sadistic feelings towards
dogs,except our dog,whom I love dearly. I used to hit one of our
friend's dogs secretly.I used to steal from different places too till
1988,when my guilt trip started. Actually it worked in my
advantage,because I stopped doing that terrible and shamefull
habit.Two weeks ago I got drunk and I took Crystal Meth for the first
time.I also smoked crack and weed and drank a lot of beers during
that time. I did not sleep,eat,call or come home for 2 days.I was
going to sex stores and stripteases and spending thousnads of
dollars.I bought $800.00 worth of sex videos alone. When I finally
came home, my wife was very angry and worried.I had a bad withdrawal
and almost overdosed next day. I went to E.R. twice that day.A week
before that,I took 25 10mg valiums and then I went to E.R. at night
again and lied to them that I have bad migraine,schiatic nerve pains
and back pains.Of course they gave me, what I wanted : a shot of
morphine and bottle of Vicodine. I took all 10 of them at one
time.Next day I went to bars and have at least 6 beers and I went to
strip club again.I probably have very high tolerance,especially to
pills and drugs,because I am lucky I am not overdosing.Maybe I have a
death wish,I don't know. I live very dangerously: I drive very fast,
I skydive often, I go to dangerous neighborhoods at night, I start
fights,I consume everything in excess and I even travel at least 20
times a year.It is is like living in a fast lane.I like to go to
movies,concerts,ethnic folk
dances,festvals,restaurants,bars,clubs,friends and relatives houses.I
also collect almost everything:stamps,coins,pins,viewmaster
reels,snowballs,souvenirs,books,CD's,DVD's,Videos,Board Games,puzzles
and some other stuff.I have over 1000 DVD's and Videos and I've
traveled to aroud 165 countries and dependencis. I would not have
enough money for this, but there is somebody,who always gives me
moeny,when I needed it.From 1982 till now(that is first,when I came
to U.S.) she probably gave me at least $200,000.00 to spend.Luckily
my wife staying by me all this time.I don't watch sports,but I do
some of it:swimming,bycicling,tennis,mini-golf,skiing,walking and
going to Spa. i also go to Yoga(Raja,which is mind Yoga).I've tried
alternative medicines too:chinese medicine,ayurveda,chiropractic
medicine,homeopathy,herbs,naturapathy ,accupuncture and I paid to all
kinds of spiritual freaks ,who promised to help me. I prayed in all
kinds of places of worship for help and cure for this disease and
evil: Christian Churches, Mosques, Hindu Temples, Buddhist Temples,
Synagogues, Pagan Places and at home of course. I am an Orthodox
Christian by faith,but I can pray anywhere.I also went to UCLA to Dr.
J. Shwartz group for a while.Afterwards I've tried CBT and Exposure
and Response Rrevention treatment at UCLA again headed by a Clinical
Nurse Karron Maidment.But as always, I quit and my reason was,that I
could not stand the anxiety.I am also very shy,quiet and introvert.I
think effexor made me more outgoing and social and more self
confident,which is dangerous to me. I am always afraid,if my OCD
stops, my life will be very depressive and boring,because I would not
want to do anything.Drving force of my life are my thoughts,which
made me do almost everything I want in this life. My philosophy
is,that I have to try everything in this life before
dying.Doctors,please tell me,which part of this is OCD and what about
the other parts?Thank you for your patience reading this long
nonsense. Roberto Dolabjian.