I have OCD from age 14. My father had one too, although he never
admitted. The character of my OCD changes from month to month and I
don't really know, where to start from.In the beginning at age 14 I
did not know what was happening to me. I read a book,which scared me.
I started having anxiety and to cope with it I started doing
elaborate rituals(counting,touching,organizing and so on). After a
year I told my parents. They took me to Neurologist.She said, that it
is part of my growing up and she put me on good protein diet. I felt
good for a year. Then it's started again. To cope with anxiety I
started to use drugs and alcohol. I was going to Medical School. This
all was happening in Armenia, former U.S.S.R.I came back to U.S. in
1982.I did not continue my Medical School here,but went to work as a
clerk in a Department Store and then I worked in a Bank holding
different positions.From 1982 to 1993 I was using again drugs, pills
and alcohol to cope with my situation. I was very angry and irritable
and at night I could not sleep from helicopter noises flying around
our neighborhood and car noises.It was very hard for me to work. I
used to live with my mom and grandfather.I am perfectionist by nature
and I wanted to organize the house my way, but my relatives would
mess everthing out.In 1990 I got married and moved with my wife
separately. Now I was able to fix the things in the house my way and
also organize me wife's things too. She did not mind much. I became a
Manager at the Bank, everything was going well. I did not wanted to
have kids. Then in 1991 I was demoted at my job, for not following
the procedures. My anxiety came back severely,I started seeing
floaters in front of my eyes,I could not see far well, but at the
same time I was not able to wear glasses.I was very stressed out from
my boss's too. At night I was not able to sleep, because I would
think of noises of cars passing by at night. Eventually I had nervous
breakdown and I went on disability in 1993. From that point till now
I've seen at least 25 psychiatrists and psychologists and I've
hospitalized 21 times. They even gave me 18 sessions of ECT(Electro-
Convulsive Therapy).I've tried anafranil,tofranil,
depakote,prozac,zoloft,seroquel,wellbutrin,ativan,klonopin,valium,xana
x,cogentine and all kinds of other medications. I've tried Chinese
Medicine, Ayurveda, Chiropractic Medicine, Accupuncture,
Accupressure,Massage, Reflexology,Homeopathy,Naturopathy, Yoga,
Spa,Religion and payed to all kinds of sharlatans,who told me they
can help me.I am obsessive in evething:I eat excessively, I drink
excessively, I use drugs sometimes,I abuse my medications and I've
tried to commit suicide 7 times.I buy compulsively in stores and on
the computer and I travel in excess too. I've been in 165 Countries
and Dependencies. Last year I went to 26 trips , most of them to
foreign countries.I am not a rich man at all, I am in debt. We don't
even own a house or an apartment.The only thing I don't like, is
gambling. I like going to Las Vegas, but when I go, I play only for
$20.00 at the time.Until 3 days ago I was smoking almost 3 packs of
Marlboro a day. Right now I quit. We'll see, how it goes. I did not
have good doctors, until 6 months ago,when I met this new Doctor. He
was my colleage in Armenia and he is very caring. He put me on 225mg
of effexor and he reduced my luvox from 200mg to 50 mg. He also
reduced my zyprexa from 5mg to 3.75mg.But when I tried to reduce my
Luvox from 50mg, I started having severe anxiety.So in few days I
increased my luvox to 200mg. But it was to fast. I went into manic
stage,I was very irritable, I could not sleep at night,I would talk
non-stop and I would do dozens of activities a day. So on my Doctor's
advice I slowly reduced my luvox back to 50mg, but I stopped at
that.Every time, when I have anxiety I do a compulsive act, like
buying something, arranging the house,writing in my organizer or
drinking.I also went to Cognitive Exposure and Response Prevention
Program at UCLA, but I quit,I could not take the anxiety. I also went
to OCD support group at UCLA with Dr. J. Schwartz.My family also went
to family OCD groups at UCLA.A week ago I went out by myself to
Hostess Club, then I went drinking in Hollywood Clubs;afterwards for
the first time I used Crystal Meth and I did not call or come home
for two days. I went to all kinds of sex clubs,sex stores and who
knows where.I used also crack,weed and drank beer. When finally I
came home, I had a bad withdrawal and almost overdosed. I went to
E.R. twice in one day. I used all kinds of drugs in my life, but this
was my worst experience.I like to collect everthing: I have almost
1000 DVD's and VHS's,100ds of CD's, thousands of books. I collect
stamps, pins,coins,souvenirs,snowballs,viewmaster reels, sex
magazines and Videos,Board Games and some other stuff.There are days
I sleep and there are days I don't sleep at all. So I use the
computer all night,or I read or watch TV. Right now my Doctor is on
vacation till the end of the month.I also have Obsession with Details
and Racing Thoughts, which is hard to explain.When I have
anxiety,nothing really helps, except time. Anti-anxiety medications
never helped me. My anxiety I feel in my throat. I think there is a
term for it: Globus Hystericus.My Obsessive thoughts and my
Compulsions and rituals are out of control. I am overweight and I
have weakness and fatigue.I sweat exsessively and I can't hold heavy
objects.At one time in my life I had Vertigo and Numbness of my
head.Also I remember, when I used to take aminoacid Tryptophan, I
used to sleep better and I was more relaxed. Right now they have only
5-Hydroxytryptophan, but I can't take them combining with my
medications. The same is for St.John's Wort. The herbal medicines and
tonics don't help me either, they are too weak.The only good things
in my life,is that my mom and my wife always stand by me and very
full of support,understanding and compassion.I am on Disability from
1993 and during that time I went to DIDI HIRSCH Mental Support
Groups, Partial Hospitalization Programs and I tried to do different
Volunteer jobs.I've also been in a long term hospital too. But last
time I was in a Hospital , was in 1998.So even though my condition is
lousy, I am doing much better, than before.I used to walk with my
wife for miles a day.I walked all over:from West Hollywood to
Pasadena,to Santa Monica,to San Fernando Valley and so on. But I
don't walk anymore, because I get tired fast and I sweat excessively.
I go to Raja Yoga sometimes,I joined the Spa recently again. We go
often to movies, concerts,folk dance
presentations,theatres ,restaurants and bars. Last few years we
started doing Cruises. Next year for my wife's 50th birthday we are
going to a cruise around South America for 14 days(from Buenos Aires
to Santiago).It goes around Cape Horn.There are times I am happy and
there are times I am miserable and angry and hate everything and
everbody.I read a lot of magazines, mostly scientific and geographic
material.I like to watch documentaries,movies and a little news. I
don't like watching sports.But I like doing some of it,like
bycicling,swimming,tennis,basketball,soccer,mini golf and some
others.I like everthing to do with ethnic and foreign countries:
ethnic food,foreign movies,traveling to foreign
countries;souvenirs,pins,stamps,viewmaster
reels,snowballs,coins,books,CD's, Videos about and from foreign
countries. I even have Playboy Magazines printed in almost 50
countries.I am very organized, but I don't know, when I will return
to work again.I have to adjust my medication and find new solutions
to my problems.My will of power is very weak right now,
unfortunately.I don't have most of classic OCD, like excessive
washing, fear of germs, fear of running over somebody,religious fears
and others. I used to have Hypochondria, Anxiety and Panic attacks.
But this is gone now.I am telling you, my OCD is changing day by day
and I don't know what tomorrow will bring.I repeat senseless words
and phrases only to my mom and my wife over and over again. Some kind
of mild Tourett's Disorder. I am very shy and introvert. But when I
am drunk or on drugs I am the most outgoing and fun person in the
world.I have also Mitral Valve Prolapse from my birth, which they say
gives anxiety too.Enough for my life. I will wait for any comments to
my life story. Roberto Dolabjian.