Finally, today I choose to talk about my major problem. I'd like to share my
feelings & thoughts and what's going on my mind... I want to break my silence.
Frankly, as usual, I'll talk about everything that I am suffering with respect
to this issue. This issue is surrounding me from all over my body & mind and
it's taking a lot of efforts and power to forget about it or to maintain it as
well, but at the end of everyday I feel useless & suppress. Day after day and my
problem still existing in my mind it's like a hard obsession... it's basically
about "Religion & the others."



Since 1999, when I was 19 years old, I don't remember what happened that time
exactly, but I can say that I was obsessing about the word "hatred" & "the
others". I was passing by a time when I just say I hate someone I will hate the
all as an example to let it be clear once I went to the university and when I
woke up in the morning the word "hate" was on my mind as an obsession & it was
for the guys, so I went out to the university and the word hate on my mind ,so
what happened is that I stop looking to the guys and I focus on girls only
(weird, isn't it?) and the next day directly, I was focusing on guys because I'd
the word hate for girls this time.



And then this way of thinking followed me to hate my religion (my own believe),
then I said Oh I can't hate my religion because I am Muslim and that’s will not
work with me. The same as I did in the case when I hate the guys before, I said
to myself how can I hate guys and I am one of them?!



The struggle continued as a big stone on my shoulder. But that's exceed the
limits, and then this way of thinking followed me to hate & get feared / scared
from the others and the religion of others. More than once, I was really scared
when someone from another religion and especially Christians Religion came & ask
me how to help him to reach the right road, so when I saw him coming with a
cross in his neck I really panic and my shaking hands & also turned red face, so
I wasn't able to help him and that’s still as a shock to me every time I
remember it.

Just to know, it was before September 11, 2001.



Let me stop here to discuss because i don't want anyone to misunderstand me. As
I said scary, yes scary, afraid when I am in touch or face to face with a
Christian guy/girl & when it comes in contact with a group or party that’s the
most difficult situation I ever faced. I don't know exactly what I feel because
it's difficult to explain, but I feel something inside my brain happening
something like stress or tension all over the body & red face and it's hurting
and destroying my life as well. As if I'm holding tones of stones on my head and
shoulder. Yes, that’s exactly what I feel & it's very clear. That’s bothering me
a lot, really its bothering me a lot and u know here in Lebanon; we had a civil
war between Muslims & Christianity in between the 1989-1991 and over 20 years of
war from Israel on our lands since 1982, so maybe I think it’s a unconscious way
of thinking came after years to became a conscious way of thinking.



Actually, I'm now feeling too bad in this moment. Insecure, unsafe, unprotected,
exposed (open) to attack because I'm writing about the most difficult thing
that’s bothering me for more than 5 years and I am extremely tired from the way
of thinking towards Christianity people all over the world, because I've
something as the Psychologists said it's called over-generalize, so I said if
George is bad then the most of Christianity is bad. I guess it’s the same way
when Mr. Bush said that Ben Laden is Arab ,Ben Laden is Terrorist this leads him
to say that All Arabs are tourist. Actually, I am trying to overcome this way of
thinking with the help of others throughout the time, but hopelessly. Well, I'm
extremely sorry for that, but I know very well that it's not in my hands.



Do you think this way of thinking effect my studies? Well, the answer is yes.
When I want to choose a certain university, certain courses, teachers and
certain students to talk with… what you will come to your mind just now is that
I am fanatic, so please let me free to say: I am sure that I am not Fanatic 100
%. I am really do care for all people in all over the world even the USA troops
my hearts goes for them. I feel the sorrow for them from my bottom of my heart!!
We have to admit that it's a politics' game.



That’s confusing for the one who is reading my email, or for the one who don't
know me well. You will ask me this question: how you pray for Christian people
and you hate them or they scare you! The answer is simply it's a struggle in my
mind, whereas my close friends don't have this struggle!!



Let me put you in the picture, I always put a covers and labels to people.. Oh
this is a priest, oh this is a Manager.. this is a doctor.. this is a
Christain.. this is an Arabian & so on..



Even though I am going with my friends out, I am not enjoying my time so far.

My best friends come from different religions & parties. I've various kinds of
friends: Muslim, Christians, Budezium. Do you think I am lucky? I think yeah,
but I am unhappy, because of my obsession I can't free my mind from it even if
we become so close friend. Don't worry, I'll explain to let it be clear image.
Assume that, you hate, or feel afraid, or not in safe hands when you see a girl
wearing a scarf all over her head, so what you will come to your mind directly?
Oh, it's wearing a scarf, then she is a Muslim or Arab what you will do next? I
guess you will escape from her if you are suffering like me because you can't
fight the fear and overcome it in the meaning time. But what if she is on the
same air-plane & going to same country and you will be sitting next to her
because of the tickets' number, then how can you escape!!! You will be going to
the toilet every half an hour to relax your body & take oxygen or you will keep
unhappy all over the trip. What if I am going to
tell you that it happened to me once in cinema when my two close friends
(Christian) asked me to sit between them and of course I couldn't say no because
the lane was completed ( there is no enough places) ,so I couldn't refuse
because also it will be rude from me! Right? Do you like to tell you how did I
feel? Extremely frustrated & sick I don't know why please don't ask me why! I
need mercy I need to cry cuz all my body was full of stress fuel and that's
strange from me because those two guys I know them and they are my close
friends, so why should I get scared or not in safe hands when they are with me
or when I am sitting next to them! Why always this cover should exist & this
label that I give to them that they are Christians should reveal? I should stop
that, I should take an action, but I can't!



Even when I hear Western music or go to night clubs or restaurants or hear
Christian's singers

Singing songs although I bought albums and hear a lot of songs for Shakira &
Britney Spears & Jennifer Lopez, but I always say her name is Jennifer so she is
Christian so I should get afraid from her or escape from her... I don't know why
there is no reason!!



I went three times to a church even though I am Muslim & I opened the bible
book, but I didn't understand it well... I felt anxious... sure. But what shall
I do? I must face my problem right? But why its not disappear if I am doing well
with the others? I am confused, I go to church and open a bible book, and so am
I fanatic? If I am not then why I am not feeling okay with the other believes?!
Why my mind is not accepting the others' believes... why this fear and
overwhelmed behavior? Why it's going to be worst thing if I met a Christian girl
or guy? Why this standing trigger object facing me? Why even if I look to the
others eyes I feel anxious? Why that if I heard my friend's Christian voice I
become nervous or stressful? Why that if I go to work and hear names like:
George, Elie ,Tony I become anxious and my color of my face changed? Why
shouldn't be able to be free while watching Western or local Christian programs
or TV cables? Even though, I've Christian relatives. Even though,
I behave well with people & respect them all.



The most scary movie and situation 100 % ATTACK to me was "THE PASSION" when I
was in the cinema watching it, I went off-on, off-on from my place & to the
toilet.



I never had a Christian girlfriend even though she was able to do the best to
make me happy because I was thinking a lot of her religion before her. Even
though she accepted me being fat. I can't go with her or be her boy friend
because I don't feel safe still the idea stuck in my mind. Please don't blame me
now.







The barriers that I put in my mind before meeting anyone & while chatting with
anyone, I've to overcome them or minimize them as my psychologist said to me:
"You have to minimize your stress and your fear & not to cut it off at all
because you can't verify 100 % solution to your problem".



I was in the navy forces in Lebanon doing my military service, but I was feeling
somehow okay even though they are mostly 90 % Christian religions there, but I
was feeling safe may be for two main reasons: I was seeing a Psychologist at the
same time I was serving & also the officer was very good with me and of course I
feel safe because I am in the army, so the result no one will kill me or play
bad games. & it was a kind of adaptation to me because I was seeing the same
guys in the same clothes (army clothes) and I get used to them as well.





What crossing my minds I am saying, so I want to say that I never entered a
Christian school before. I wasn't having Christian friends before. And now I am
afraid to go to another country or even another location from my place as if I
want to be stuck in my place in the city, but from inside I don't of course...
but as a matter of fact to escape from pain I relax at home. May be its better
to me to live in an isolated area to feel free from this obsession, but I guess
I'll gain another obsession to let my mind race again.







Maybe now it’s a good work for me, that I am writing about my problem and
defining it, so that will help me, but what I know is that once I talk in this
subject to my best friend (he is Muslim) and he said: I had this problem in the
past when I wasn't having any friend from other religion, but now I overcome it.
So my best friend overcomes it & he also traveled to Europe this summer & I've
met his Christian' friend from a year ago & we become friends & we are going
with each others every Saturday with 2 friends as a group... but I am not
feeling okay! WHY ME!! Why should I feel stress when I am with them? When we are
going by the same car? And the others (in the group) don't feel the same as I
do? My friends went once and sleep at his home, but I didn't go.. Why me?? Why
shouldn't I enjoy my life and go everywhere? Why those barriers in my head? I am
not blaming myself now, but I am saying why should I be afraid and I've 3 other
best & good friends are Christians.



Why the fear from others!?? When I love the others?!





I want to talk also about my suffer from my Christian dentist who did my braces
to me, but I guess I'll leave it for the next time.



I don't want to hurt anyone by my way of thinking or even by submitting my email
to you, but I want to deal with it in open mind as everyone tells me I'm
friendly & have an open minded thoroughly.



OMG, I feel embracement, frustrated & overwhelmed.



Well to end up, thank you a lot for your time in reading my letter. Please
notice that no offensive to any religion. Honestly, I love all religions &
respect everyone and I do care for anyone on earth without any discrimination
either if s/he is black (coloured) or belong to any ethnic group or even if s/he
is atheist. I am not one-side to any group or religion, but the problem is
definitely in my mind with my way of thinking & dealing with this struggle & in
the way of seeing the things and others. I know I've to change my focus on this
issue I think with the help of others.



"One of my dreams is to free my mind from this obsession & to go to any place I
want without thinking of anything two times."














Peace
From the Middle Eastern
Beirut - Lebanon


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