Fortuitous Sunday Discombobulations

I've had more than my fill of global warming rumors
and conspiracy theories. If things were really as bad
as people suggest, then the weather patterns would be
messed up. Since things remain stable, I'm rejecting
all talk of ozone layer depletion, El Nino, La Nina,
and environmental changes. Now, excuse me, but I've got
to launch the family canoe from my front door to my car
in the driveway before the 80 mile per hour gusts and
hailstones the size of baseballs do damage to my vehicle
which is at the present time, submerged in the Hackensack
River, which, for the moment, is one and the same with my
driveway.

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My Boston Terrier (Tyke) just growled at me after I found
myself staring at her and wondering how Koreans could eat dog
for dinner. Just as I was wondering whether Korean
restaurants offer doggy bags for unfinished rin-tin-dinners,
my little pup snarled again. Could she have been reading my
mind?

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My N.J. governor, Jon Corzine, is in a hospital after refusing
to wear a seat belt and having a near-fatal accident on the
Garden State Parkway. They closed the road and landed a
helicopter to evacuate him for many hours of emergency
surgery to repair a broken vertebra, broken collarbone,
broken sternum, broken femur, and six badly cracked ribs
on either side. A New Jersey State Trooper was driving.
There comes an automatic $46 dollar fine in my state for
neglecting to wear a seat belt, and I wonder whether anybody
had the nerve to issue the Governor a summons. It is my
understanding that this is the first time a New Jersey
Governor was ever injured in a car accident. During the
previous administration, I've been told that ex-Governor
James McGreevey was rear-ended on more than one occasion.

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Somebody's sure to bring up the issue of family values
as a campaign strategy, referring to the Clinton administration's
horrible behavior with that Monica Lewinsky scandal which got me
thinking...The Clintons never divorced, did they? When I consider
the top three Republican candidates, the key word applied to them
has to be "date," and these candidates have not been so candid.

What is it, eleven marriages between the top three? Seventeen?
I lost track, and they've lost credibility.

Perhaps they should run in the state of Utah where polygamy
is considered as illegal as jaywalking. One can get a charged
with a crime for either action in Utah, but in that state, a
transgressor must perform community service for jaywalking. As
for polygamy, it's a different sort of service...a marriage service.

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In yesterday's Notmilk column, I reported that New York State
farmers will collectively receive some $30 million dollars in
emergency subsidy payments. That averages out to about $15,000
per farmer. What I neglected to tell you is that April milk prices
of $15 per hundred pounds of milk are the highest prices that dairy
farmers have ever received during the month of April. I now wonder
whether there is an Orthodox Rabbi-Elf hiding somewhere in New York
Senate chambers, shaking his head while muttering, "Meshugina
schmucks, Meshugina schmucks."

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Forgve me for this column. If I delivered it on my daily coast-to-
coast radio show, I'd be doing a follow-up on Al Sharpton's show.
Most people are not aware that Reverend Al got his start working for
fight promoter Don King. I am proud of my friend, Gary Braverman,
who once knocked Mr. Sharpton on his butt for one of Al's
obnoxiousisms...I blame my out of control behavior on the
drugs I'm taking. They have temporarily taken over my good taste.
Years ago after my dad fell and developed a painful blood clot,
our family doctor wrote him out a prescription for Percocet. Dad
would take his 5 milligram pill and that would numb him to sleep
each day while he recovered. Five milligrams per day! I am
currently taking ninety milligrams per day. Let me not tell you
now about the shakes and sweats and overall discomfort from Oxycodin
and Oxycontin addiction. It is five degrees worse than ugly. I look
forward to one day rehabbing myself in a boat on a river with
tangerine trees and marmalade skies.

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File this one under the "Things I never really wanted to see"
department. This morning, Italian animal rights activists demanded
that the Pope remove tht cute little hat he wears...you know, the
one with the white ermine fur trim. I understand the gesture, but
if you'll excuse the expression, there are other fish to fry. Leave
Pope Benedict XVI alone, please. This one will backfire...See:

http://www.azstarnet.com/news/178489

Speaking of religion (dad advised me to never do this), this
morning at a 5:30 AM breakfast in Washington's Catholic Diocese,
a very sleepy President Bush needed a wake-up cup of coffee,
so he leaned over to Washington D.C.'s Archbishop, Donald Wuerl,
and asked, "Father, could I get a little Joe?" A few minutes
later, they brought him an altar boy. See:

http://www.azstarnet.com/news/178489

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My movie recommendation of the moment for you: The Gods Must Be
Crazy. This 1981 movie about Coke bottles falling from the sky
in the Kalahari desert reflects the current state of things
within my own mind, and within my own world.

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Finally, last but not least...I have accomplished the nearly
impossible, solving the riddle posed by Doctor Ted Geisel many
years ago. Fourteen years it took, but I now know the answer
to the age old question which has remained unanswered until
this very moment. Here it is.

When tweedle beetles battle with paddles in a puddle,
they call it a tweedle beetle puddle paddle battle.

And with that, I firmly take hold of the mahogany handle of my
Nimbus 2000 and fly off to grab a few hours of badly needed rest.

Robert Cohen
http://www.notmilk.com
i4crob@...