Mike Lee, mortified, is about to play the "have you ever raised a child?"
card:

Mike Rael said:
> The problem with "global" is that kids do not seek global rejection!
> They do seek the experience of being loved unconditionally.

I don't think I said that kids look for global rejection--rather, I said
they tend strongly to experience specific rejections as
global/unconditional/indiscriminate rejection.

> Kids may not understand if a parent loves them in a kind of
> crushing, enfolding way. But they sure feel it as something very wrong.
> The motives of parents definitely count in the kid's psyches.

I would conceptualize this differently, as being loved by a crushing,
enfolding, needy person. I think we have a very wrong cultural/Oprahgenic
notion that "real love" is competent, moral, respectful, etc. Otherwise,
it's not "real love."

Suppose that a controlling, enfolding parent is also consistently loving.
Yes, the kid will be kind of screwed up, but not on the score of feeling
fundamentally unloveable.

> Paradoxically, once a child feels love initially, the way that love
> is sustained on a day-by-day basis is by being very specific about
> what has to be done or what has been done. By critiquing the actions of
> the child, the sense of self-esteem is not tampered with.

Here's where I play the parent card, and say that if you haven't raised a
child this is theoretical crap and if you are raising a child, this is
dangerous crap. Few adults, much less children, are able to absorb criticism
without taking a hard "unconditional" hit.

Taking criticism well is not something small children can do. There are
several maturational milestones that must be passed before a kid can use
criticism for anything except self-hatred. You have to have a strong
foundation of self-esteem, strong introspective abilities and a habit of
judging yourself (and succeeding) against external objective standards.

Criticism *always* tampers with self-esteem, unless it is just brushed off.
A very mature adult accepts the self-esteem hit as a cheap price to pay for
important information. Expecting kids to take the same attitude is expecting
the...highly unlikely.

Even if you are the rare person who is a brilliant, sensitive critic,
children aren't adults. They take everything oh so hard. Assuming that
what's going on in their heads is generally like what's going on in yours is
a huge mistake.

Really, I just don't understand why adults think children *need* to be
criticized. What the hell is it that they think will happen if they don't
criticize?

What kids need is to be told the rules of the game and have the rules
enforced. They are great at figuring out how to win games. "You're in time
out/the penalty box, mister!" is a whole lot different from "You're in time
out, mister, and I'm going to explain to you exactly why you deserve it
until you agree with my ruling."

The sure sign of the bad parent is trying to make your kid confess they love
The Great Leader.

I will close with one of my favorite personal parental anecdotes. This will
violate the prohibition on 4 letter words in this forum, but I think all
will agree that in this case it's worth it:

One night, when my daughter was about 6, after a nuclear family showdown, my
wife and I were falling asleep when we heard a rustling at the door. Waiting
till we heard the pitter patter of little pissed-off feet going up the
stairs, we retrieved her note.

Dear fuckers

I hate you

Love,

Me

Mike Lee
Teacher! Leave them kids alone!