Hi Walter:)
I like much the way you put this. The issue is all about not
putting anger onto the other person, but rather communicating strictly
your desire to learn and to express your wants. Which means: you got
to mean it from the heart, not just use a technique to manipulate the
other person to do the "right" thing. Manipulation is intuitively
detected by the person being communicated with, and stirs up instant
anger in response.
A really comprehensive analysis of this kind of issue is provided
in the wonderful paperback "Straight Talk." I don't recall the names
of the different authors who participated in that book, but I sure
recall the sense that many many communication issues were discussed in
detail.
The full context here, though, is that the person doing the writing
is talking about a borderline personality. Borderlines are the most
difficult folks to treat, with a kind of paradoxical logic being the
*only* method (thus far) that has been proven to be of help. The kind
of manipulation I mentioned above is, to the borderline, like
breathing air, tending to involve massive doses of hidden anger,
coming right out at the wrong times!

best always,
Mike



--- In nathaniel_branden@yahoogroups.com, "Walter Foddis"
<wffoddis@...> wrote:
>
> "cambellite" <cambellite@> wrote:
>
> > HOW IMPORTANT IS IT TO ROLE PLAY IN A GROUP SETTING,CHANGING A YOU
> > STATEMENT TO AN I STATEMENT
>
> Your question (if it is a question) is a bit vague, but I think I
> have a response that could answer your question. Often, when trying
> to teach assertiveness, a person is educated to translate "you"
> statements into "I" statements. For instance:
>
> I feel X (e.g., upset) when you do Y (e.g., don't call me when
> you're coming home late) because of Z (e.g., I get worried that
> something might have happened to you). I would like you to do Q
> (e.g., call me when you know you're going to be late).
>
> "You" statements that would be unhelpful here would be something
> like: "You're inconsiderate because you didn't call. Do you only
> think of yourself? I know I should have listened to mother and never
> married you!" (O.K., I'm carrying it a bit far, but you get the
> idea.)
>
> The "I" statement focuses on the behavior that is bothering the
> person and the reasons why, and what you would like the person to do
> instead. In contrast, the conflict-laden "you" statements attack the
> person's motives and character and does not offer a possible
> resolution to the problem.
>
> Hope that helps!
>
> Walter
>