What is the false self?

First, let's examine the opposite: the authentic self. The authentic self is the core of whom you really are, not what people tell you you should be or the "you" defined by people who do not really know you: the doubters, critics, and others who see the part of you that you choose to show. It's the you that you talk about to the people and know you best and whom you trust to be careful with your vulnerabilities.

On her web site about narcissism, addictions, and abuse, Diane England, Ph.D. writes

The person living as the real self is into creating win-win solutions. Indeed, she wants to do things that serve all parties. She also understands how it is possible to do so. After all, when one is living as the real self, she receives inner guidance that directs her on how to take actions that benefit others as well as the self. This means she doesn't sacrifice her own needs for another, but she doesn't disregard those of others so she might benefit herself, either.

The person operating as an authentic or real self strives to always be aware of her behavior and its impact on others. She strives to take right actions that are both beneficial and non-destructive to others as well as the world in general. The authentic individual realizes that because of the connection between herself and all others, when she harms another or some aspect of the universe, she actually is harming herself as well. This, of course, is so different from the perception of the narcissist who can only see what benefits him, even if it is destroying both others as well as the world.

Narcissists can't afford to be vulnerable at all--especially not to themselves. Remember, they need to believe the lie. So they make up a fictitious false self who is everything the narcissist is not: the entitled, superior, inflated, and grandiose self fed by the narcissist's fantasies and what they can squeeze out of sources of narcissistic supply.

What is the purpose of the false self?

This mask, which the narcissist thinks is real, hides the insecure and damaged part of the NP and chases way feelings of depression, abandonment, and shame. It protects her from painful feelings. Affirmations of the false self keep the mask in good repair. If they're not forthcoming, she demands them in one way or another in the ways that make the relationship a wild ride on a rollercoaster (which no one understands besides other people who have a loved one with NPD). The NP's success in maintaining this illusion makes you continually doubt yourself since you rarely receive validation of what you are going through. Even mental health professionals miss the boat. (Remember, you didn't want to believe it either.)

Sam Vaknin, narcissist and the author of Malignant Self Love: Narcissism Revisited, says, "The false self serves as a decoy, it attracts the fire. It is a proxy for the true self. It is tough as nails and can absorb any amount of pain, hurt and negative emotions. By inventing it, the child develops immunity to the indifference, manipulation, sadism, smothering, or exploitation--in short: to the abuse--inflicted on him by his parents (or by other primary objects in his life). It is a cloak, protecting him, rendering him invisible and omnipotent at the same time. [The narcissist] thinks, "I am this false self. Therefore, I deserve a better, painless, more considerate treatment." The false self, thus, is a contraption intended to alter other people's behaviour and attitude towards the narcissist.

The problem with the false self

It takes a lot of work to keep the fragile, superficial mask in good enough shape to protect against what NPs see as "attacks" from the outside world, e.g., complaints about their self-absorbed ways--especially those from formerly preminum sources of supply like spouses and children. This destroys the illusion and might force the NP to take a closer look at themselves. That's why they protect the mask so aggressively in ways that make you continually doubt yourself. It's extremely painful to have your feelings rebuffed by someone whom you feel/felt so much love for.

Also, life is dominated by doing, achievement, and performance rather than on intimate connections with others. This is one reason why you see so many narcissists at high levels in organizations or in careers in which they get a lot of attention such as politics, entertainment, and the ministry. The job perk of being important and lauded is irresistible.

New supply sources

If it looks like you're not going to supply your NP in the same way you did in the beginning of the relationship (e.g., by criticizing their self-absorbed ways or asking for some consideration in return), the NP may find new supply sources. Do you remember the first time you met your NP partner: how he dazzled you with his charm, wit and looks and made you feel so special? It's part of the seduction of new supply and the vilification of the old one. Your beautiful or handsome princess/knight (who never met anyone as special as you) may find someone else.

While this may make you furious and angry, keep in mind, again, that the layers of defense and deception are so intense that the narcissist can't tell the difference between the lie and the truth. The narcissist truly believes his formerly reliable sources have given in the old bait and switch. If you find this ironic--even funny--you should.

You can't rip the mask over the NPs face without hurting yourself in the process. Your family member will hold on to the mask and attack back. Part of being in a relationship with a narcissist is accepting that he sees the world the way he does, and you can't change it. You can, however, change yourself and the situation.

People who get intimately involved with narcissists also often have identity issues. So start to think about whom you really are and how you feel about things.

Is there really nothing to me? Am I really just a blank page? Nothing fills me up, and it's hard to sleep when you're empty inside. So I drank myself into oblivion every night. Alcohol stopped working and then I was just an alcoholic with feelings of emptiness.

I had no idea I felt empty before therapy. I was too busy trying to escape the feelings to know what the feelings were. It was so painful that I thought I was going to lose my mind. It felt like I was going to fall apart and disintegrate into nothing. I would dissociate while driving and run red lights. I could have died on many occasions because I accidentally ran a red light in a dissociative state of mind. I never was suicidal, but I resented being alive and wanted to be dead.

Men do not let on to how they are feeling; they are good at hiding feelings deep inside. This is one of the biggest differences between men and women with BPD. Women just let it hang out in the open and men carefully hide it away, so much so that I think a lot of therapist miss it in men.

Joey, a woman with BPD, says:

I remember sitting at a picnic table by the water when I was a senior in High School and staring out to sea, feeling . . . nothing. Contrary to belief, feeling nothing is not bliss, it is actually painful. You are intellectually aware of not feeling anything, but something still hurts. It has a weight to it that pulls you down, so I suppose it's not true emptiness, that's the only word we've come up with it to describe it.

It is an awful feeling. Nothing matters, nothing counts. There is no reason for anything. It is nihilistic dread, with added powerlessness. It sits on you, an ape on your back - perhaps a dead ape is more apt a description, because it just sits there pushing you down, and never moves. In my early 30's, right after I had been rejected in a romantic relationship and there was a hurricane coming to my town, I felt that feeling again. It held me to the floor; it was so strong and heavy. I searched my mind for something that could matter and found nothing. It was difficult to even move.

These descriptions are not too different from a similar plea from two self-aware men with NPD talking about their "void." Nina Brown is the author of 2003 book, Loving the Self-Absorbed: How to Create a More Satisfying Relationships with a Narcissistic Partner. On page 30, she explains that the best way to understand narcissistic emptiness is to imagine yourself disoriented and having sensory deprivation.

"There is nothing to illuminate or provide a foundation...there is nothing to give a sense of security, no landmarks...no sounds--nothing but you. Think of what it might be like to be somewhere--you don't know where-- and not being able to use your senses to get a fix on anything. It would be terrifying. That is to me what emptiness is at the core is like for the destructive narcissist."

While Brown says that emptiness should not be confused with loneliness alienation, or depression, it doesn't seem that way for the two narcissists I have been interviewing--but possibly because they are more self aware.

One NP, who has been working in recovery (something that is almost unheard of), says:

When I was in deep, I would have what I would call normal loneliness. Like once in a while I would feel lonely, no big deal. I could probably fix that if I wanted to. Now, I still feel empty. No faith, no love coming in to me, nothing to believe in, work towards, or even be excited about or look forward to. I am surrounded by things I can't have, as well as people I can't have, and can no longer take them (or in the case of people, fool them). Being self aware is brutal. Being unique is lonely, seeing as you are the only of your kind.

But now I can't just go pick someone up, because I have to be honest with them. Really, my most interesting parts are all pretty malevolent, and not something you want to bring up when trying to make a connection with someone. So, yes, I am now self aware, leashed, and lonely.

Sam Vaknin, author of Malignant Self Love: Narcissism Revisited, describes his empty feelings this way:

I have no roots. I stay away from groups and communities. I wonder, an itinerant lone wolf. I have nowhere to go back to. I either burn the bridges or keep walking. I never look back. I detach and vanish. In my mind, I am not human. I am a machine at the service of a madman that snatched my body and invaded my being when I was very young.

Imagine the terror I live with, the horror of having an alien within your own self. A shell, a nothingness, I keep producing articles at an ever accelerating pace. I write maniacally, unable to cease, unable to eat, or sleep, or bathe, or enjoy. I am possessed by me. Where does one find refuge if one's very abode, one's very soul is compromised and dominated by one's mortal enemy--oneself?

Nina Brown gives these clues to emptiness at the core of NPD. They could also apply to someone with BPD except for the last one (people with BPD have much more of an emotional life) (p.30):

• Your partner's support system is limited and unsatisfying
• Is constantly dissatisfied with her relationships with others, including you
• Makes negative comments about satisfaction with the quality of her life
• Has no or a very limited, spiritual life (unless it is very hard-line religion)
• Can't discuss the meaning and purpose of her life
• Doesn't have reasonable and attainable goals
• Can't reach out and connect to others in a meaningful way
• Is unaware of many parts of her life
• Has no connections and rarely acts to benefit others outside the family unless it is to impress others
• Cannot, or rarely, expresses either authentic joy or sadness

Is there a difference between BPD and NPD feelings of emptiness? Yes.

Borderline Emptiness

For people with BPD, feelings of emptiness go hand-in-hand with another BPD trait, lack of identity. Not knowing who you are naturally exacerbates feelings of emptiness. Those with the disorder become chameleons, mimicking some of the attributes of people they're with to fit in. We will look at this trait in some depth later on.

Also, those with BPD usually seek emotionally intimate connections--even if it means negative emotions--to help fill this chronic feeling of emptiness. When things are calm--even in a secure relationship--they may feel empty and insecure inside, so they create a conflict in order to feel more emotional intensity and connection (although this often serves to push people away, which is the opposite of their intent).

But this emptiness keeps popping up inside, driving them to seek intimacy even from people who aren't capable of it. Some professionals believe that "cutting" behavior is associated with those with BPD trying to feel "something" in order to not feel empty, disconnected, alone and abandoned.

Narcissistic Emptiness

People with NPD, on the other hand, don't seem to seek intimacy, but instead seek to be constantly filled up with compliments, admiration and respect for being a superior person--narcissistic supply--although it too often evokes a negative, disrespectful response from others, which is the opposite of their intent. The narcissistic "false self"--a front the NP puts on to hide her feelings of inferiority, even from herself--makes real intimacy (something tangible to fill the hole) nearly impossible.