Skip to search.

Breaking News Visit Yahoo! News for the latest.

×Close this window

narcissisticabuse · Narcissistic Abuse Study

The Yahoo! Groups Product Blog

Check it out!

Group Information

? Already a member? Sign in to Yahoo!

Yahoo! Groups Tips

Did you know...
Hear how Yahoo! Groups has changed the lives of others. Take me there.

Messages

Advanced
Messages Help
Messages 5165 - 5194 of 7396   Oldest  |  < Older  |  Newer >  |  Newest
Messages: Show Message Summaries Sort by Date ^  
#5165 From: "Sam Vaknin author of \"Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited\"" <vaksam@...>
Date: Mon Nov 5, 2007 6:12 pm
Subject: Getting Rid of the Self in Self-Esteem
vaksammt
Send Email Send Email
 

 
----- Original Message -----
Sent: Monday, November 05, 2007 7:10 PM
Subject: Getting Rid of the Self in Self-Esteem

 
 
 
 
=======================================

Greetings Fellow Survivors,

Just a quick article on self-esteem you may find interesting…

 

Getting Rid of the Self in Self-Esteem

Copyright Nov. 5, 2007

by Mary Jo Fay, RN, MSN

 

So many people struggle with issues of low self-esteem. You or someone you know or work with may have grown up in an environment where constant criticism was the norm from parents, a teacher, a coach, a priest, or more. While this may have set them up for the low self-esteem struggle, there are many who still sadly carry this label as a valid reason why they do not fully participate in life.

 

Some use their label of low self-esteem as their excuse for why they cannot do things – apply for a certain job, give a speech in front of an audience, or just try something new. I can’t help wonder just how many exciting and wonderful experiences they miss out on due to this self-limiting belief system.

 

Well, I heard a new take on low self-esteem lately and it struck me as interesting. A friend of mine, Tom Joseph, is a Christian counselor with a radio show called At the Well, where he discusses a variety of issues that pertain to life, love, and more. He also recently wrote a fabulous book called, Why We Stay Stuck: When Love is Not Enough to Fix our Relationships.

 

While Tom discusses a wide variety of psychological reasons we stay stuck, one thing he mentions is the issue of self-esteem as it pertains to relationship issues. He approaches low self-esteem from a completely different angle than most. Basically, he says that pampering someone does nothing to help re-build their self-esteem, rather, we have to get rid of the “self” in self-esteem to turn someone’s belief system about themselves around.

 

What does he mean by this? That folks with low self-esteem are oftentimes so all consumed with their terrible feelings about themselves that they become paralyzed by their own self-consumption.

 

In his book he says the following:

“Low self-esteem is demonstrated when our unrealistic expectations for perfection are not met, causing us to become angrier and angrier. Then, we expect others to feel sorry for us and feed into our ‘poor me’ attitude. Then, when we don’t get the attention we’re looking for, we can become angry, depressed, or even suicidal.”

 

He continues, “I have a saying that goes like this: ‘Get rid of self and there will be no esteem to worry about.’ As ironic as this may sound, those with low self-esteem are too focused on themselves. In an attempt to stop pains of the past or as a reward for existing in this world, they crave constant proof of their significance. They have an unquenchable appetite for others who will feed their sense of worth, and they devour attention."

 

“In fact, they’re so focused on self that it can make them easy prey. Abusers tend to look for those who need attention and lots of encouragement. Then they swoop down and give this person all they’re asking for, and in doing so, make for themselves a new victim,” explains Tom.

 

Is your low self-esteem setting you up to keep attracting abusers to your life? Or perhaps it’s keeping you from reaching the great things in life that you desire. Want to turn it around? Here are a few ideas Tom feels can make a difference:

 

1.     Accept yourself as imperfect – after all, who is perfect anyway?

2.     Be willing to make mistakes, for isn’t that how we all learn to begin with?

3.     Extricate yourself from negative friendships. You surely don’t need those kind of folks in your life.

4.     Disregard (or remove yourself from) overly critical family members. What makes them and their opinions better than yours, anyway?

5.     Learn to take risks. Each time you’re successful with something new, you build you own self-esteem.

 

 Then start taking your focus off of you and your problems and start looking around at the world around you. Who can you help? Who is worse off than you? By putting yourself out there you take the focus off your own worries and put some of your energy into contributing to the world around you, you build your own increasingly healthy sense of self, one step at a time.

 

And of course, remember, that we all teach our kids by our example. If for no other reason than sending them on a healthier course than you, isn’t it time you attack your self-esteem issues head-on?

 

My best to you on your journey!

 

To order Tom’s book and learn more about his unique style of counseling, visit him at www.AtTheWell.net. He’s got quite a variety of shows you can download (click on Audio Archive) and listen to that you may find helpful as well, as you traverse this journey called LIFE!

 

And be sure to check out www.OutOfTheBoxx.com, my brand new web site with tons of new video clips, quizzes, free articles and more!

 

 As always, feel free to forward this email to your friends, just please send it with my contact info. And if you'd like to be removed from this list, just drop me a line.

 

Mary Jo Fay, RN, MSN
* The Relationist *

Strategies for:
Surviving Difficult People
Getting You Out of Your Boxx
and
Unlocking the Secrets to Truly Great Relationships!


speaker, columnist, screenwriter, and award-winning author


www.outoftheboxx.com

outoftheboxxinc@...
303-841-7691



#5166 From: "Sam Vaknin author of \"Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited\"" <vaksam@...>
Date: Mon Nov 5, 2007 6:15 pm
Subject: HealthyPlace.com Newsletter for the week of November 5, 2007
vaksammt
Send Email Send Email
 
HealthyPlace Narcissistic Personality Disorder Community

http://www.healthyplace.com/communities/personality_disorders/narcissism/index.h\
tml

Narcissistic PD and abuse by narcissists - FAQs, essays, links, and book
excerpts.

Transcript of the CHAT regarding abusive narcissists HERE:

http://healthyplace.com/communities/personality_disorders/site/Transcripts/abusi\
ve_narcissists.htm

Transcript of the CHAT about the Narcissistic Personality Disorder HERE:

http://www.healthyplace.com/Communities/Personality_Disorders/Site/Transcripts/n\
arcissism.htm

Transcript of the CHAT about narcissists in the workplace HERE:

http://healthyplace.com/Communities/personality_disorders/site/Transcripts/narci\
ssism_workplace.htm

Radio Show regarding Relationships with Abusive Narcissists

http://www.healthyplace.com/Radio/archives/audio_narcissism_02-10-12.htm


FROM HEALTHYPLACE.COM MENTAL HEALTH COMMUNITIES ...

Newsletter for the week of November 5, 2007
http://www.healthyplace.com/newsletters/11.05.07.asp
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*******************************************
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
HERE ARE THIS WEEK'S STORIES:

1. Irreversible brain surgery pushed on mentally ill in China

2. Depressed veterans and suicide

3. Optimism in brain in same area as depression

4. Treating depression in spanish-speaking populations

5. Scientists note brain's reaction to fear

6. Teaching kids to face fear

7. Stress levels continue to rise in U.S.

8. Anxiety linked to sleep disturbances

9. Sexual misconduct plagues U.S. schools

10. AUDIO: Living with OCD

11. Obesity is more in brain, less in food

12. Overweight mothers run greater risk of having ADHD kids

13. Substance abuse practitioners ask 'what is recovery?'

14. On-site counselors help gambling addicts deal

15. Five-year itch: New danger point for marriages

16. Parents playing a bigger role in kids' lives

17. Ohio law expands mental health care

18. Autism numbers rise as more behaviors included

19. Immigration raids risk kids' mental health

20. Brain scan abnormalities not uncommon

21. "Brainbow" paints mouse neurons in bright colors

22. New theories help change stereotypes about schizophrenia

23. Hearing embedded 'messages': Early sign of schizophrenia

24. Major clues discovered in how schizophrenia develops

25. "When does a diet become an eating disorder?"

You can now go to:

http://www.healthyplace.com/newsletters/11.05.07.asp

for all these stories and more. for all these stories and more.

All of us at HealthyPlace.com hope you have a good week.

If you know of anyone who can benefit from this newsletter
or the HealthyPlace.com site, I hope you'll pass this onto them.
Sincerely,
Deborah

Community Partner Team
HealthyPlace.com - Mental Health Communities
"When you're at HealthyPlace.com, you're never alone."
MailScanner has detected a possible fraud attempt from "click.icptrack.com"
claiming to be http://www.healthyplace.com

#5167 From: "Sam Vaknin author of \"Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited\"" <vaksam@...>
Date: Tue Nov 6, 2007 1:57 pm
Subject: SAM'S DAILY LINK Psychological Signs and Symptoms
vaksammt
Send Email Send Email
 
The first encounter between psychiatrist or therapist and patient (or
client) is multi-phased. The mental health practitioner notes the patient's
history and administers or prescribes a physical examination to rule out
certain medical conditions. Armed with the results, the diagnostician now
observes the patient carefully and compiles lists of signs and symptoms,
grouped into syndromes.

Symptoms are the patient's complaints. They are highly subjective and
amenable to suggestion and to alterations in the patient's mood and other
mental processes. Symptoms are no more than mere indications. Signs, on the
other hand, are objective and measurable. Signs are evidence of the
existence, stage, and extent of a pathological state. Headache is a
symptom - short-sightedness (which may well be the cause of the headache) is
a sign.

Here is a partial list of the most important signs and symptoms in
alphabetical order:
Continue to read this article here (click on this link):

http://samvak.tripod.com/personalitydisorders42.html

The article you just read is part of my book, "Malignant Self Love -
Narcissism Revisited" (January 2007)

You can buy the EIGHTH PRINT edition of "Malignant Self Love - Narcissism
Revisited" (January 2007) from Barnes and Noble (the cheapest - but does
not include the bonus pack):

http://search.barnesandnoble.com/bookSearch/isbnInquiry.asp?r=1&ISBN=97880238338\
43

(Or, click on this link - http://www.bn.com - and search for "Sam Vaknin" or
"Malignant Self Love").

Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited (PRINT edition)  is now available
from Amazon Canada (no bonus pack):

http://www.amazon.ca/exec/obidos/tg/detail/offer-listing/-/8023833847/new/

And from Amazon.com (no bonus pack):

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/8023833847/

Buy the PRINT book from the publisher (sixth edition, more expensive, but
includes a bonus pack):

More information about the book:

http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/thebook.html

To purchase - click on this link:

http://www.ccnow.com/cgi-local/cart.cgi?vaksam_MSL

ELECTRONIC BOOKS (computer files)

Buy EIGHT electronic books about narcissism and abusive relationships - for
the price of ONE print book!

To purchase the Narcissism Series of e-books - click on these links:

"The Narcissism Series" (November 2006)

Eight e-books regarding Pathological Narcissism, relationships with abusive
narcissists, and the Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).

http://www.ccnow.com/cgi-local/cart.cgi?vaksam_SERIES

You can also purchase the books comprising the Narcissism Series separately:

I. NEW!!! "Abusive Relationships WORKBOOK" (February 2006)

http://www.ccnow.com/cgi-local/cart.cgi?vaksam_WORKBOOK

II. NEW!!! "Toxic Relationships - Abuse and its Aftermath" (February 2006)

http://www.ccnow.com/cgi-local/cart.cgi?vaksam_ABUSE

III. "The Narcissist and Psychopath in the Workplace" (September 2006)

http://www.ccnow.com/cgi-local/cart.cgi?vaksam_WORKPLACE

IV. "Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited" - EIGHTH, Revised Edition
(November 2006)

http://www.ccnow.com/cgi-local/cart.cgi?vaksam_MSL-EBOOK

V. "Pathological Narcissism FAQs" (November 2006)

http://www.ccnow.com/cgi-local/cart.cgi?vaksam_FAQS

VI. "The World of the Narcissist" (November 2006)

http://www.ccnow.com/cgi-local/cart.cgi?vaksam_ESSAY

VII. "Excerpts from the Archives of the Narcissism List"

http://www.ccnow.com/cgi-local/cart.cgi?vaksam_EXCERPTS

VIII. "Diary of a Narcissist" (November 2005)

http://www.ccnow.com/cgi-local/cart.cgi?vaksam_JOURNAL

Malignant Self Love, Toxic Relationships - and MORE!!!

http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/thebook.html

Free excerpts from the EIGHTH, Revised Impression of "Malignant Self Love -
Narcissism Revisited" are available as well as a NEW EDITION of the
Narcissism Book of Quotes.

Click on this link to download the files:

http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/freebooks.html

Take care there.

Sam

#5168 From: "Sam Vaknin author of \"Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited\"" <vaksam@...>
Date: Tue Nov 6, 2007 2:07 pm
Subject: Scientists study the ABCs of fear
vaksammt
Send Email Send Email
 
 
Read more about fear and anxiety - click on these links:
 
 
===============================================
 

Scientists study the ABCs of fear

  • Story Highlights
  • Some 40 million in U.S. suffer from anxiety disorders
  • Psychology professor: Fear is the most powerful human emotion
  • Scientist: Chemical reaction in brain determines how you handle fear
  • Panic attack expert: Wait out "unreal" threats
  • Next Article in Living
 WASHINGTON (AP) -- Science is getting a grip on people's fears.
art.monster.afp.gi.jpg

'Halloween Extravaganza & Procession of the Ghouls' in The Cathedral Church of St. John the Divine in New York.

As Americans revel in all things scary on Halloween, scientists say they now know better what's going on inside our brains when a spook jumps out and scares us. Knowing how fear rules the brain should lead to treatments for a major medical problem: When irrational fears go haywire.

"We're making a lot of progress," said University of Michigan psychology professor Stephen Maren. "We're taking all of what we learned from the basic studies of animals and bringing that into the clinical practices that help people. Things are starting to come together in a very important way."

About 40 million Americans suffer from anxiety disorders, according to the National Institute of Mental Health. A Harvard Medical School study estimated the annual cost to the U.S. economy in 1999 at roughly $42 billion.

Fear is a basic primal emotion that is key to evolutionary survival. It's one we share with animals. Genetics plays a big role in the development of overwhelming -- and needless -- fear, psychologists say. But so do traumatic events.

"Fear is a funny thing," said Ted Abel, a fear researcher at the University of Pennsylvania. "One needs enough of it, but not too much of it."

Armi Rowe, a Connecticut freelance writer and mother, said she used to be "one of those rational types who are usually calm under pressure." She was someone who would downhill ski the treacherous black diamond trails of snowy mountains. Then one day, in the midst of coping with a couple of serious illnesses in her family, she felt fear closing in on her while driving alone. The crushing pain on her chest felt like a heart attack. She called 911.

"I was literally frozen with fear," she said. It was an anxiety attack. The first of many.

The first sign she would get would be sweaty palms and then a numbness in the pit of the stomach and queasiness. Eventually it escalated until she felt as if she was being attacked by a wild animal.

"There's a trick to panic attack," said David Carbonell, a Chicago psychologist specializing in treating anxiety disorders. "You're experiencing this powerful discomfort but you're getting tricked into treating it like danger."

These days, thanks to counseling, self-study, calming exercises and introspection, Rowe knows how to stop or at least minimize those attacks early on.

Scientists figure they can improve that fear-dampening process by learning how fear runs through the brain and body.

The fear hot spot is the amygdala, an almond-shaped part of the deep brain.

The amygdala isn't responsible for all of people's fear response, but it's like the burglar alarm that connects to everything else, said New York University psychology and neural science professor Elizabeth Phelps.

Emory University psychiatry and psychology professor Michael Davis found that a certain chemical reaction in the amygdala is crucial in the way mice and people learn to overcome fear. When that reaction is deactivated in mice, they never learn to counter their fears.

Scientists found D-cycloserine, a drug already used to fight hard-to-treat tuberculosis, strengthens that good chemical reaction in mice. Working in combination with therapy, it seems to do the same in people. It was first shown effective with people who have a fear of heights. It also worked in tests with other types of fear, and it's now being studied in survivors of the World Trade Center attacks and the Iraq war.

The work is promising, but Michigan's Maren cautions that therapy will still be needed: "You're not going to be able to take a pill and make these things go away."

When it comes to ruling the brain, fear often is king, scientists say.

"Fear is the most powerful emotion," said University of California Los Angeles psychology professor Michael Fanselow.

People recognize fear in other humans faster than other emotions, according to a new study being published next month. Research appearing in the journal Emotion involved volunteers who were bombarded with pictures of faces showing fear, happiness and no expression. They quickly recognized and reacted to the faces of fear -- even when it was turned upside down.

"We think we have some built-in shortcuts of the brain that serve the role that helps us detect anything that could be threatening," said study author Vanderbilt University psychology professor David Zald.

Other studies have shown that just by being very afraid, other bodily functions change. One study found that very frightened people can withstand more pain than those not experiencing fear. Another found that experiencing fear or merely perceiving it in others improved people's attention and brain skills.

To help overcome overwhelming fear, psychologist Carbonell, author of the "Panic Attacks Workbook," has his patients distinguish between a real threat and merely a perceived one. They practice fear attacks and their response to them. He even has them fill out questionnaires in the middle of a fear attack, which changes their thinking and causes reduces their anxiety.

That's important because the normal response for dealing with a real threat is either flee or fight, Carbonell said. But if the threat is not real, the best way to deal with fear is just the opposite: "Wait it out and chill." E-mail to a friend E-mail to a friend

Copyright 2007 The Associated Press. All rights reserved.This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed.


#5169 From: "Sam Vaknin author of \"Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited\"" <vaksam@...>
Date: Wed Nov 7, 2007 1:45 pm
Subject: Literary lion by day, evil killer by night
vaksammt
Send Email Send Email
 
 
=================================================
 

Literary lion by day, evil killer by night

THE VIENNA WOODS KILLER by John Leake (Granta, 16.99)


By CHRISTOPHER HUDSON - More by this author Last updated at 10:49am on 7th November 2007

Comments Comments

Be your own critic

Take the chance to write your own book review
here  

Missed something?

Prostitute In Vienna Murdered: Three Still Missing screamed the front page of a Vienna newspaper in May 1991.

This was headline news in a country that had never experienced a mass murderer in peacetime.

Jack Unterweger, a freelance producer for Austria's equivalent of the Today programme, interviewed Vienna's police chief and talked to prostitutes in the capital's red-light district to help in the search for leads.

'How would you protect yourself?' Unterweger asks the girls on tape. His voice wavers in sympathy when he interviews a prostitute who knew one of the victims: 'She was actually standing on your corner when she fell into the hands of the murderer right here where you're standing,' he exclaims.

 

This is one of the creepier moments in this hair-raising book because Unterweger was himself the killer, a mass murderer whose trail of victims numbered seven Austrians, three Americans and one Yugoslav, all put slowly and horrifyingly to death.

Good-looking, pale and slight, with an almost baby-face and dark, penetrating eyes, Unterweger was immensely attractive to women, even to those who knew something of his past.

In 1974, he had been convicted of murdering a young girl and given a life sentence. In prison, he wrote poetry and children's stories, which were published and broadcast, and were perceived as a recapturing of the love he had never known during a 'brutalised' childhood.

After composing a sanitised memoir called Purgatory, he became the darling of Vienna's intellectuals and was released after 15 years, aged 40, the model example of rehabilitation.

John Leake builds up a mesmerising portrait of a Jekylland-Hyde figure who drew women into his double life like rabbits before a cobra.

As serial killers go, he was exceptionally dangerous. Clever and plausible, he was able for long periods to keep his narcissistic personality disorder under control. In such an apparently civilised man, his outbreaks of frenzied sadism were all the more shocking.

Unterweger's method of killing was to find an excuse for driving a streetwalker into the woods. He would then tie her arms behind her back and assault her viciously, before forcing her at knifepoint to a place where nobody could hear her scream.

Then he would strangle her slowly with her own bra, which he knotted into a powerful ligature.

As if to show off his handiwork, having arranged the bodies in various poses, he made almost no effort to cover up his victims although several of them lay undiscovered for months, by which time maggots and foxes had done their work.

This book reads so much like a thriller that you must keep reminding yourself it isn't fiction.

Leake opens with an apparently unrelated series of crimes over five weeks in Los Angeles, in which three prostitutes were driven into woods, beaten about the head and forced to walk some distance from the nearest road, before being strangled.

Not until Unterweger, flush with the proceeds from his books and two plays, travels to interview the LAPD and ride along with the cops for an article on crime in Los Angeles does their relevance become horribly clear.

In a touch of pure Hollywood, which will no doubt be expanded in the inevitable movie, it was an eccentric old cop from

Salzburg, known for wearing a khaki mackintosh and driving a 1960s E-type Jaguar, who first fingered Unterweger as a suspect, after checking back to an unsolved crime years before with the hallmark ligature around the neck.

Although Jack Unterweger's murder spree had begun four months after his release, nobody imagined that this dapper member of Vienna's literati, garlanded with attractive girlfriends, was a psychopath.

But when police got round to checking the Salzburg murder, Vienna's police chief had, apologetically, to add him to the list.

Unterweger gave interviews and went on air, glibly exploiting his role as a victim of his past.

He fled to Miami with his girlfriend and delivered more protestations of innocence before his Los Angeles past, too, began to catch up with him.

Although hard evidence was lacking, his alibis crumpled one by one, and after the largest murder investigation in Austrian history, his guilt or innocence rested on a single hair.

Only one of the murdered prostitutes had family to come forward and speak for them. All of the victims were the silent benefactors of a media circus from which everybody made money, none more so than Unterweger's media lawyer, who acted as his defence counsel in return for the rights to his life story.

This book in its explicitness and slick dialogue sometimes verges on the prurient. But Leake's evocation of Unterweger, from his diaries, interviews and other papers, brilliantly captures a monster of depravity whom the Viennese had taken to their hearts.

Buy a copy of The Vienna Woods Killer

NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) and AsPD (Antisocial Personality Disorder, Psychopathy, or Sociopathy)

http://samvak.tripod.com/personalitydisorders16.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/personalitydisorders15.html


#5170 From: "Sam Vaknin author of \"Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited\"" <vaksam@...>
Date: Thu Nov 8, 2007 6:14 pm
Subject: Devices Enforce Silence of Cellphones, Illegally
vaksammt
Send Email Send Email
 

Read about lack of empathy - click on this link:
 
 
Scroll to the bottom to read how the narcissist thinks that he is above the law!
 
============================================================
 
 
Devices Enforce Silence of Cellphones, Illegally
Prashanth Vishwanathan for The New York Times

Kumaar Thakkar of India says he exports 20 jammers a month to the United States. His clients include a school bus driver.

Published: November 4, 2007

SAN FRANCISCO, Nov. 2 One afternoon in early September, an architect boarded his commuter train and became a cellphone vigilante. He sat down next to a 20-something woman who he said was blabbing away into her phone.

She was using the word like all the time. She sounded like a Valley Girl, said the architect, Andrew, who declined to give his last name because what he did next was illegal.

Andrew reached into his shirt pocket and pushed a button on a black device the size of a cigarette pack. It sent out a powerful radio signal that cut off the chatterers cellphone transmission and any others in a 30-foot radius.

She kept talking into her phone for about 30 seconds before she realized there was no one listening on the other end, he said. His reaction when he first discovered he could wield such power? Oh, holy moly! Deliverance.

As cellphone use has skyrocketed, making it hard to avoid hearing half a conversation in many public places, a small but growing band of rebels is turning to a blunt countermeasure: the cellphone jammer, a gadget that renders nearby mobile devices impotent.

The technology is not new, but overseas exporters of jammers say demand is rising and they are sending hundreds of them a month into the United States prompting scrutiny from federal regulators and new concern last week from the cellphone industry. The buyers include owners of cafes and hair salons, hoteliers, public speakers, theater operators, bus drivers and, increasingly, commuters on public transportation.

The development is creating a battle for control of the airspace within earshot. And the damage is collateral. Insensitive talkers impose their racket on the defenseless, while jammers punish not just the offender, but also more discreet chatterers.

If anything characterizes the 21st century, its our inability to restrain ourselves for the benefit of other people, said James Katz, director of the Center for Mobile Communication Studies at Rutgers University. The cellphone talker thinks his rights go above that of people around him, and the jammer thinks his are the more important rights.

The jamming technology works by sending out a radio signal so powerful that phones are overwhelmed and cannot communicate with cell towers. The range varies from several feet to several yards, and the devices cost from $50 to several hundred dollars. Larger models can be left on to create a no-call zone.

Using the jammers is illegal in the United States. The radio frequencies used by cellphone carriers are protected, just like those used by television and radio broadcasters.

The Federal Communication Commission says people who use cellphone jammers could be fined up to $11,000 for a first offense. Its enforcement bureau has prosecuted a handful of American companies for distributing the gadgets and it also pursues their users.

Investigators from the F.C.C. and Verizon Wireless visited an upscale restaurant in Maryland over the last year, the restaurant owner said. The owner, who declined to be named, said he bought a powerful jammer for $1,000 because he was tired of his employees focusing on their phones rather than customers.

I told them: put away your phones, put away your phones, put away your phones, he said. They ignored him.

The owner said the F.C.C. investigator hung around for a week, using special equipment designed to detect jammers. But the owner had turned his off.

The Verizon investigator was similarly unsuccessful. He went to everyone in town and gave them his number and said if they were having trouble, they should call him right away, the owner said. He said he has since stopped using the jammer.

Of course, it would be harder to detect the use of smaller battery-operated jammers like those used by disgruntled commuters.

An F.C.C. spokesman, Clyde Ensslin, declined to comment on the issue or the case in Maryland.

Cellphone carriers pay tens of billions of dollars to lease frequencies from the government with an understanding that others will not interfere with their signals. And there are other costs on top of that. Verizon Wireless, for example, spends $6.5 billion a year to build and maintain its network.

Its counterintuitive that when the demand is clear and strong from wireless consumers for improved cell coverage, that these kinds of devices are finding a market, said Jeffrey Nelson, a Verizon spokesman. The carriers also raise a public safety issue: jammers could be used by criminals to stop people from communicating in an emergency.

In evidence of the intensifying debate over the devices, CTIA, the main cellular phone industry association, asked the F.C.C. on Friday to maintain the illegality of jamming and to continue to pursue violators. It said the move was a response to requests by two companies for permission to use jammers in specific situations, like in jails.

Related

Bits Blog: The Joy in Jamming (November 4, 2007)

Bits Blog: Quit Yakking and Order Your Food (November 4, 2007)

Individuals using jammers express some guilt about their sabotage, but some clearly have a prankster side, along with some mean-spirited cellphone schadenfreude. Just watching those dumb teens at the mall get their calls dropped is worth it. Can you hear me now? NO! Good, the purchaser of a jammer wrote last month in a review on a Web site called DealExtreme.

Gary, a therapist in Ohio who also declined to give his last name, citing the illegality of the devices, says jamming is necessary to do his job effectively. He runs group therapy sessions for sufferers of eating disorders. In one session, a womans confession was rudely interrupted.

She was talking about sexual abuse, Gary said. Someones cellphone went off and they carried on a conversation.

Theres no etiquette, he said. Its a pandemic.

Gary said phone calls interrupted therapy all the time, despite a no-phones policy. Four months ago, he paid $200 for a jammer, which he placed surreptitiously on one side of the room. He tells patients that if they are expecting an emergency call, they should give out the front desks number. He has not told them about the jammer.

Gary bought his jammer from a Web site based in London called PhoneJammer.com. Victor McCormack, the sites operator, says he ships roughly 400 jammers a month into the United States, up from 300 a year ago. Orders for holiday gifts, he said, have exceeded 2,000.

Kumaar Thakkar, who lives in Mumbai, India, and sells jammers online, said he exported 20 a month to the United States, twice as many as a year ago. Clients, he said, include owners of cafes and hair salons, and a New York school bus driver named Dan.

The kids think they are sneaky by hiding low in the seats and using their phones, Dan wrote in an e-mail message to Mr. Thakkar thanking him for selling the jammer. Now the kids cant figure out why their phones dont work, but cant ask because they will get in trouble! Its fun to watch them try to get a signal.

Andrew, the San Francisco-area architect, said using his jammer was initially fun, and then became a practical way to get some quiet on the train. Now he uses it more judiciously.

At this point, just knowing I have the power to cut somebody off is satisfaction enough, he said.

========================

The Narcissist is Above the Law

The partner is, thus, placing herself in the position of the eternal victim: undeserving, punishable, a scapegoat. Sometimes, it is very important to the partner to appear moral, sacrificial and victimised. At other times, she is not even aware of this predicament. The narcissist is perceived by the partner to be a person in the position to demand these sacrifices from her because he is superior in many ways (intellectually, emotionally, morally, professionally, or financially).

Continue to read this article here (click on this link):

http://samvak.tripod.com/faq6.html

By being permanently on trial, the narcissist claims high moral ground and the position of the martyr: misunderstood, discriminated against, unjustly roughed, outcast by his very towering genius or other outstanding qualities. To conform to the cultural stereotype of the "tormented artist" - the narcissist provokes his own suffering. He is thus validated.

Continue to read this article here (click on this link):

http://samvak.tripod.com/narcissistmasochist.html

The narcissist has no criminal intent (mens rea), though he may commit criminal acts (acti rei). He does not victimise, plunder, terrorise and abuse others in a cold, calculating manner. He does so offhandedly, as a manifestation of his genuine character. To be morally repugnant, one needs to be purposeful, to deliberate and contemplate the options and then to prefer evil to good, wrong over right. No ethical or moral judgement is possible without an act of choice.

The narcissist's perception of his life and his existence is discontinuous. The narcissist is a walking compilation of "personalities", each with its own personal history. The narcissist does not feel that he is, in any way, related to his former "selves". He, therefore, does not understand why he has to be punished for "someone else's" actions or inaction.

Continue to read this article here (click on this link):

http://samvak.tripod.com/faq57.html

Moreover, the paranoid lives in constant fear and tribulation. This (plus the deficient structure of the narcissistic personality) allow the partner to assume a position of superiority, elevated moral ground and sound mental health. The partner feels justified in  regarding the narcissist in inferior terms: a child, a monster, an invalid, or a misfit.

Continue to read this article here (click on this link):

http://samvak.tripod.com/faq26to27.html

The narcissist is entitled to "special treatment": high living standards, constant and immediate catering to his ever shifting needs, the avoidance of the mundane and the routine, an absolution of his sins, fast track privileges (to higher education, or in his encounters with the bureaucracy). Punishment is for ordinary people (where no great loss to humanity is involved). Narcissists feel that they are above the law.

Continue to read this article here (click on this link):

http://samvak.tripod.com/faq45.html

Pathological narcissism is often co-morbid with mood disorders, compulsive rituals, substance abuse, paraphilias, or reckless behaviour patterns. Many narcissists are also anti-social. Lacking empathy and convinced of their own magnificence, they feel that they are above social conventions and the Law.

Continue to read this article here (click on this link):

http://samvak.tripod.com/narcissismissues.html

In extreme cases, the narcissist feels above the law any kind of law. This grandiose and haughty conviction leads to criminal acts, incestuous or polygamous relationships, and recurrent friction with the authorities.

Continue to read this article here (click on this link):

http://samvak.tripod.com/journal79.html

Both adult narcissists and young children are envious of others and sometimes seek to hurt or destroy the causes of their frustration. Both groups behave arrogantly and haughtily, feel superior, omnipotent, omniscient, invincible, immune, "above the law", and omnipresent (magical thinking), and rage when frustrated, contradicted, challenged, or confronted.

Continue to read this article here (click on this link):

http://samvak.tripod.com/narcissistinfantile.html


#5171 From: "Sam Vaknin author of \"Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited\"" <vaksam@...>
Date: Thu Nov 8, 2007 6:15 pm
Subject: What to Do When An Employee Criticizes A Supervisor
vaksammt
Send Email Send Email
 
 
The Narcissist in the Workplace - click on the link:
 
 
 

Don't Let Your Front Office Staff Suffer an Injury.  Click Here  for the Lowdown.

OSHA regulations don't just apply to your back office staff - your front office employees could be at risk as well. Today we've got the some tips that can keep your front office staff happy and content. Click here for info on how to keep your front office staff injury-free.

Here's What to Do When an Employee Criticizes A Supervisor

You've likely had coworkers complain to you about a fellow staffer, but how you handle these negative comments and complaints impacts your working relationship with your supervisors and your professional image in the office.

Here are some suggestions for handling criticism of supervisors appropriately in various situations:

When you're standing in for a superior at a meeting: If attendees decide to air complaints about the supervisor during a meeting, you need to respond as effectively as possible. Take time to find out the reason for their anger, answer questions, clear confusion, and explain his position. Your overall mission is to support your superior.

When you're in a social atmosphere: Social gatherings are sometimes a popular forum for office gossip. When the gossip is about a superior, steer the conversation in another direction. If you're not able to change the subject, simply excuse yourself from the discussion.

When you're at work. Whether you overhear comments or colleagues complain to you directly, gather the information and try to find out as much as you can in order to respond appropriately.

We've got more tips for how to keep your front office staff safe and happy.

While it's necessary to support your supervisor when others criticize him or her or spread gossip, you should make him or her aware of what's going on when:

. The criticism or gossip stirs up professional issues. For instance, gossip may be circulating around the office that could tarnish a supervisor's professional image.

. Your supervisor is able to take steps to correct the complaints or criticism.

. You're able to take corrective action to stop the criticism.

spacer

Table of Contents

Here's What to Do When an Employee Criticizes A Supervisor

Keep Your Front Office Sanitary

Discover How to Keep Your Front Office Staff Injury Free - LIVE Audioconference

Attend a live audioconference!
Audio Educator

 


Make Sure Your Front Office Staff is Safe and Injury Free with the LIVE audioconference, "Keeping Your Front Office Staff Safe From the Snares of Workplace Hazards" on Nov. 29.

Earn CEUs as Patricia A. Trites, MPA, CHBC, CHCC, CHCO, CPC, EMS, CHP, CMP(H) leads you through the rules of the road.

   

Don't Let Your Front Office Staff Face On-the-Job Injury. Check out the LIVE audioconference, "Keeping Your Front Office Staff Safe From the Snares of Workplace Hazards" on Nov. 29.

 

Narcissistic abuse in the workplace and narcissism of authority figures - click on the links:
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

#5172 From: "Sam Vaknin" <palma@...>
Date: Fri Nov 9, 2007 6:46 pm
Subject: Is the Narcissist Legally Insane and The Borderline Patient - No. 129
vaksam
Send Email Send Email
 
NEW! The Monster in the Mirror (Sunday Times)
 
 
Egomania (UK Documentraty)
 
 
 
Sam Vaknin has just published a NEW e-BOOK "Personality Disorders Revisited" (April 2007)

450 pages about the Borderline, Narcissistic, Antisocial-Psychopathic, Histrionic, Paranoid, Obsessive-Compulsive, Schizoid, Schizotypal, Masochistic, Sadistic, Depressive, Negativistic-Passive-Aggressive, Dependent, and other Personality Disorders!
 
Click on this link to purchase the ebook:
 
 
An electronic book is a computer file, sent to you as an attachment to an e-mail message. Just save it to your hard disk and click on the file to open, read, and learn!
======================================================
NEW!!!
 
Narcissistic Abuse Forum
 
 
The Psychopath and Narcissist Forum
 
 
Personality Disorders Topic Index and CASE STUDIES!
 
 
NEW EDITION - Download The Narcissism Book of Quotes
 
 
NEW EDITION - Download Sample chapters from "Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited"
 
 
NEW links directory here:
=======================================
 
Abused? Stalked? Harassed? Victimized? Afraid? Confused? Need HELP? Click on these links!

I. NEW, January 2007, EIGHTH Revised Impression of "Malignant Self Love - Narcisssm Revisited"
 
And NEW, November 2006 EDITIONS of our e-books JUST RELEASED!

From Barnes and Noble ($15 DISCOUNT)
 
 
(Or, click on this link - http://www.bn.com - and search for "Sam Vaknin" or "Malignant Self Love").
Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited is now available from Amazon Canada:

http://www.amazon.ca/exec/obidos/tg/detail/offer-listing/-/8023833847/new/

And from Amazon.com:

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/8023833847/
 
The sixth print edition from the publisher (with a bonus pack):
 
 
II. NEW!!! "Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited" - EIGHTH, Revised Edition (November 2006)

http://www.ccnow.com/cgi-local/cart.cgi?vaksam_MSL-EBOOK
 
III. NEW!!! "Toxic Relationships - Abuse and its Aftermath" e-book edition (February 2006)

http://www.ccnow.com/cgi-local/cart.cgi?vaksam_ABUSE
 
IV. NEW!!! "Abusive Relationships Workbook" e-book edition (February 2006)
 

V. "Pathological Narcissism FAQs" - EIGHTH, Revised Edition (November 2006)

http://www.ccnow.com/cgi-local/cart.cgi?vaksam_FAQS

VI. "The World of the Narcissist" - EIGHTH, Revised Edition (November 2006)

http://www.ccnow.com/cgi-local/cart.cgi?vaksam_ESSAY

VII. "Excerpts from the Archives of the Narcissism List" e-book edition

http://www.ccnow.com/cgi-local/cart.cgi?vaksam_EXCERPTS

VIII. "Diary of a Narcissist" e-book edition (November 2005)

http://www.ccnow.com/cgi-local/cart.cgi?vaksam_JOURNAL
 
IX "The Narcissist and Psychoapth in the Workplace" e-book edition (September 2006)
 
http://www.ccnow.com/cgi-local/cart.cgi?vaksam_WORKPLACE

X. "The Narcissism Series" - EIGHTH, Revised Edition (November 2006)

EIGHT e-books regarding Pathological Narcissism, relationships with abusive narcissists, and the Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).

http://www.ccnow.com/cgi-local/cart.cgi?vaksam_SERIES
 
===================================================

Please FORWARD this message to interested parties and relevant discussion lists and groups

Phone and Email consultations with Sam Vaknin - write for details:

palma@...

Previous issues of this newsletter are available here:

http://groups.google.com/group/narcissisticabuse/

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/messages

Enter the Mind of One Narcissist!

http://spaces.msn.com/members/narcissist/

==================================================
 

Is the Narcissist Legally Insane?

 

First published here: "Personality Disorders (Suite101)"

 

"Personality Disorders Revisited" (450 pages e-book) - click HERE to purchase!

By: Dr. Sam Vaknin

 

Narcissists are not prone to "irresistible impulses" and dissociation (blanking out certain stressful events and actions). They more or less fully control their behavior and acts at all times. But exerting control over one's conduct requires the investment of resources, both mental and physical. Narcissists regard this as a waste of their precious time, or a humiliating chore. Lacking empathy, they don't care about other people's feelings, needs, priorities, wishes, preferences, and boundaries. As a result, narcissists are awkward, tactless, painful, taciturn, abrasive and insensitive.

The narcissist suffers from uncontrollable rage and grandiose fantasies. Most narcissists are also mildly obsessive-compulsive. Yet, all narcissists should be held accountable to the vast and overwhelming majority of their actions.

At all times, even during the worst explosive episode, the narcissist can tell right from wrong and reign in their impulses. The narcissist's impulse control is unimpaired, though he may pretend otherwise in order to terrorize, manipulate and coerce his human environment into compliance.

 

True, the narcissist cannot "control" his grandiose fantasies. All the same, he knows that lying and confabulating are morally wrong and can choose to refrain from doing so.

The narcissist is perfectly capable of anticipating the consequences of his actions and their influence on others. Actually, narcissists are "X-ray" machines: they are very perceptive and sensitive to the subtlest nuances.But the narcissist does not care. For him, humans are dispensable, rechargeable, reusable. They are there to fulfill a function: to supply him with Narcissistic Supply (adoration, admiration, approval, affirmation, etc.) They do not have an existence apart from carrying out their "duties".

Still, it is far from a clear-cut case.

Some scholars note, correctly, that many narcissists have no criminal intent ("mens rea") even when they commit criminal acts ("acti rei"). The narcissist may victimise, plunder, intimidate and abuse others - but not in the cold, calculating manner of the psychopath. The narcissist hurts people offhandedly, carelessly, and absentmindedly. The narcissist is more like a force of nature or a beast of prey - dangerous but not purposeful or evil.

Moreover, many narcissists don't feel responsible for their actions. They believe that they are victims of injustice, bias, prejudice, and discrimination. This is because they are shape-shifters and actors. The narcissist is not one person - but two. The True Self is as good as dead and buried. The False Self changes so often in reaction to life's circumstances that the narcissist has no sense of personal continuity.

From my book "Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited":

"The narcissist's perception of his life and his existence is discontinuous. The narcissist is a walking compilation of "personalities", each with its own personal history. The narcissist does not feel that he is, in any way, related to his former "selves". He, therefore, does not understand why he has to be punished for "someone else's" actions or inaction. This "injustice" surprises, hurts, and enrages him."

Click on these links to learn more:

The Intermittent Explosive Narcissist

Warped Reality and Retroactive Emotional Content

Narcissists and Crime

Narcissistic Immunity

The Accountable Narcissist

The Compulsive Acts of the Narcissist

(continued below)

==================================================

Abused? Stalked? Harassed? Victimized? Afraid? Confused? Need HELP?

"The Narcissism Series" - (November 2006)

Eight e-books regarding Pathological Narcissism, relationships with abusive narcissists, and the Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).

http://www.ccnow.com/cgi-local/cart.cgi?vaksam_SERIES

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/thebook.html

NEW! Analyze This - Short Fiction about Narcissists
 

Case Studies in the Narcissistic Personality Disorder List

http://groups.msn.com/NARCISSISTICPERSONALITYDISORDER/drvakninsweeklycasestudies.msnw

http://groups.msn.com/NARCISSISTICPERSONALITYDISORDER/drvakninsweeklycasestudies2.msnw

Ask Sam on the Narcissistic Personality Disorder Support Group

http://groups.msn.com/narcissisticpersonalitydisorder/general.msnw?action=get_message&mview=0&ID_Message=338827

http://groups.msn.com/NARCISSISTICPERSONALITYDISORDER/general.msnw?action=get_message&mview=0&ID_Message=15404

http://groups.msn.com/NARCISSISTICPERSONALITYDISORDER/general.msnw?action=get_message&mview=0&ID_Message=45353

http://groups.msn.com/NARCISSISTICPERSONALITYDISORDER/general.msnw?action=get_message&mview=0&ID_Message=132787

=======================================================

The Borderline Patient - A Case Study

 

"Personality Disorders Revisited" (450 pages e-book) - click HERE to purchase!

By: Dr. Sam Vaknin

Notes of first therapy session with T. Dal, female, 26, diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)

Dal is an attractive young woman but seems to be unable to maintain a stable sense of self-worth and self-esteem. Her confidence in her ability to "hold on to men" is at a low ebb, having just parted ways with "the love of her life". In the last year alone she confesses to having had six "serious relationships".

Why did they end? "Irreconcilable differences". The commencement of each affair was "a dream come true" and the men were all and one "Prince Charming". But then she invariably found herself in the stormy throes of violent fights over seeming trifles. She tried to "hang on there", but the more she invested in the relationships, the more distant and "vicious" her partners became. Finally, they abandoned her, claiming that they are being "suffocated by her clinging and drama queen antics."

Is she truly a drama queen?

She shrugs and then becomes visibly irritated, her speech slurred and her posture almost violent:

"No one f***s with me. I stand my ground, you get my meaning?" She admits that she physically assaulted three of her last six paramours, hurled things at them, and, amidst uncontrollable rage attacks and temper tantrums, even threatened to kill them. What made her so angry? She can't remember now, but it must have been something really big because, by nature, she is calm and composed.

As she recounts these sad exploits, she alternates between boastful swagger and self-chastising, biting criticism of her own traits and conduct. Her affect swings wildly, in the confines of a single therapy session, between exuberant and fantastic optimism and unbridled gloom.

One minute she can conquer the world, careless and "free at last" ("It's their loss. I would have made the perfect wife had they known how to treat me right") - the next instant, she hyperventilates with unsuppressed anxiety, bordering on a panic attack ("I am not getting younger, you know - who would want me when I am forty and penniless?")

Dal likes to "live dangerously, on the edge." She does drugs occasionally - "not a habit, just for recreation", she assures me. She is a shopaholic and often finds herself mired in debts. She went through three personal bankruptcies in her short life and blames the credit card companies for doling out their wares "like so many pushers." She also binges on food, especially when she is stressed or depressed which seems to occur quite often.

She sought therapy because she is having intrusive thoughts about killing herself. Her suicidal ideation often manifests in minor acts of self-injury and self-mutilation (she shows me a pair of pale, patched wrists, more scratched than slashed). Prior to such self-destructive acts, she sometimes hears derisive and contemptuous voices but she know that "they are not real", just reactions to the stress of being the target of persecution and vilification by her former mates.


Click on these links to learn more:

Borderline Personality Disorder

The Delusional Way Out

The Inverted Narcissist

Case Studies

The Narcissist

The Psychopath

The Paranoid

The Schizoid

The Histrionic

The Avoidant

The Schizotypal

The Obsessive-Compulsive

The Dependent

Negativistic (Passive-Aggressive)

The Masochist

The Sadist

The Depressive

=======================================================
AUTHOR BIO:

Sam Vaknin ( http://samvak.tripod.com ) is the author of Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited and After the Rain - How the West Lost the East. He served as a columnist for Global Politician, Central Europe Review, PopMatters, Bellaonline, and eBookWeb, a United Press International (UPI) Senior Business Correspondent, and the editor of mental health and Central East Europe categories in The Open Directory and Suite101.

Visit Sam's Web site at http://samvak.tripod.com

============================================================

EIGHTH EDITION From Barnes and Noble ($15 DISCOUNT)
 
 
(Or, click on this link - http://www.bn.com - and search for "Sam Vaknin" or "Malignant Self Love").
Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited is now available from Amazon Canada:

http://www.amazon.ca/exec/obidos/tg/detail/offer-listing/-/8023833847/new/

And from Amazon.com:

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/8023833847/
=============================================================

Links of Interest
 
NEW! Toxic Relationships Study Group
 
NEW!!! Google Base Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Abuse in Relationships
 
 
NEW!!! 360 Degrees on Pathological Narcissism and Abusive Relationships
 
 
Download chat transcripts, interviews, dialogs, articles, and bibliographies - click on this link:

http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/NPDBibliography.zip

Download links to 309 narcissism and personality disorders online resources:

http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/NPDWebliography.zip
 
NEW EDITION - Download The Narcissism Book of Quotes
 
 
NEW EDITION - Download Sample chapters from "Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited"
 
 
NEW! Amazon blog
 
 
==============================================================

Refer journalists and editors to my media kit:

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/mediakit.html

===============================================================

Abused? Stalked? Harassed? Victimized? Afraid? Confused? Need HELP?

Click on these links to purchase the PRINT BOOK and EIGHT E-BOOKS:

You can buy the EIGHTH PRINT edition of "Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited" (January 2007) from Barnes and Noble (the cheapest - but includes no bonus pack):
 
 
(Or, click on this link - http://www.bn.com - and search for "Sam Vaknin" or "Malignant Self Love").

Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited is now available from Amazon Canada (no bonus pack):

http://www.amazon.ca/exec/obidos/tg/detail/offer-listing/-/8023833847/new/

And from Amazon.com (no bonus pack):

http://barnesandnoble.bfast.com/booklink/click?ISBN=8023833847

Or from the publisher (sixth edition, more expensive, but includes a bonus pack):

More information

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/thebook.html

To purchase from the publisher - click on this link:

http://www.ccnow.com/cgi-local/cart.cgi?vaksam_MSL

Buy seven electronic books about narcissism and abusive relationships

More information

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/thebook.html

To purchase the electronic books from the publisher - click on these links:

1. "Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited" - EIGHTH, Revised Edition (November 2006)

The e-book version of Sam Vaknin's "Malignant Self - Love - Narcissism Revisited". Contains the entire text: essays, frequently asked questions (FAQs) and appendices regarding pathological narcissism and the Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).

Click on this link to purchase the ebook:

http://www.ccnow.com/cgi-local/cart.cgi?vaksam_MSL-EBOOK

2. "The Narcissism Series" - EIGHTH, Revised Edition (November 2006)

EIGHT e-books (more than 2500 pages), including the full text of "Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited", regarding Pathological Narcissism, relationships with abusive narcissists, and the Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).

Click on this link to purchase the ebook:

http://www.ccnow.com/cgi-local/cart.cgi?vaksam_SERIES

3. "Toxic Relationships - Abuse and its Aftermath" - Fourth Edition (February 2006)

How to identify abuse, cope with it, survive it, and deal with your abuser and with the system in divorce and custody issues.

Click on this link to purchase the ebook:

http://www.ccnow.com/cgi-local/cart.cgi?vaksam_ABUSE

4. "Abusive Relationships Workbook" (February 2006)

Self-assessment questionnaires, tips, and tests for victims of abusers, batterers, and stalkers in various types of relationships.

http://www.ccnow.com/cgi-local/cart.cgi?vaksam_WORKBOOK

5. "Pathological Narcissism FAQs" - EIGHTH, Revised Edition (November 2006)

Dozens of Frequently Asked Questions regarding Pathological Narcissism, relationships with abusive narcissists, and the Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

Click on this link to purchase the ebook:

http://www.ccnow.com/cgi-local/cart.cgi?vaksam_FAQS

6. "The World of the Narcissist" - EIGHTH, Revised Edition (November 2006)

A book-length psychodynamic study of pathological narcissism, relationships with abusive narcissists, and the Narcissistic Personality Disorder, using a new vocabulary.

Click on this link to purchase the ebook:

http://www.ccnow.com/cgi-local/cart.cgi?vaksam_ESSAY

7. "Excerpts from the Archives of the Narcissism List"

Hundreds of excerpts from the archives of the Narcissistic Abuse Study List regarding Pathological Narcissism, relationships with abusive narcissists, and the Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).

Click on this link to purchase the ebook:

http://www.ccnow.com/cgi-local/cart.cgi?vaksam_EXCERPTS

8. "Diary of a Narcissist" (November 2005)

The anatomy of one man's mental illness - its origins, its unfolding, its outcomes.

Click on this link to purchase the ebook:

http://www.ccnow.com/cgi-local/cart.cgi?vaksam_JOURNAL
 
9. "The Narcissist and Psychopath in the Workplace" (September 2006)
 
Identify abusers, bullies, and stalkers in the workplace (bosses, colleagues, suppliers, and authority figures) and learn how to cope with them effectively.
 
 
10. After the Rain - How the West Lost the East

The history, cultures, societies, and economies of countries in transition in the Balkans.

III. Download free electronic books - Click on this link:

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/freebooks.html

Malignant Self Love, Toxic Relationships - and MORE!!!

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/thebook.html

Free excerpts from the EIGHTH, Revised Impression of "Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited" are available as well as a NEW EDITION of the Narcissism Book of Quotes.

Click on this link to download the files:

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/freebooks.html

Have a safe and sunshine week!

Sam


#5173 From: "Sam Vaknin author of \"Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited\"" <vaksam@...>
Date: Sun Nov 11, 2007 3:20 pm
Subject: Norman Mailer, Towering Writer With Matching Ego, Is Dead
vaksammt
Send Email Send Email
 

 
=====================================
 
 
 
Norman Mailer, Towering Writer With Matching Ego, Is Dead
Charley Gallay/Getty Images

Norman Mailer in Los Angeles in February. More Photos >

Published: November 11, 2007

Norman Mailer, the combative, controversial and often outspoken novelist who loomed over American letters longer and larger than any other writer of his generation, died early yesterday in Manhattan. He was 84.

Skip to next paragraph
Tyler Hicks/The New York Times

Norman Mailer died of acute renal failure at Mount Sinai Hospital, his literary executor said. Above, Mr. Mailer at his home in Provincetown, Mass., in January. More Photos

The cause was acute renal failure, his family said.

Mr. Mailer burst on the scene in 1948 with The Naked and the Dead, a partly autobiographical novel about World War II, and for six decades he was rarely far from center stage. He published more than 30 books, including novels, biographies and works of nonfiction, and twice won the Pulitzer Prize: for The Armies of the Night (1968), which also won the National Book Award, and The Executioners Song (1979).

He also wrote, directed and acted in several low-budget movies, helped found The Village Voice and for many years was a regular guest on television talk shows, where he could reliably be counted on to make oracular pronouncements and deliver provocative opinions, sometimes coherently and sometimes not.

Mr. Mailer belonged to the old literary school that regarded novel writing as a heroic enterprise undertaken by heroic characters with egos to match. He was the most transparently ambitious writer of his era, seeing himself in competition not just with his contemporaries but with the likes of Tolstoy and Dostoyevsky.

He was also the least shy and risk-averse of writers. He eagerly sought public attention, and publicity inevitably followed him on the few occasions when he tried to avoid it. His big ears, barrel chest, striking blue eyes and helmet of seemingly electrified hair jet black at first and ultimately snow white made him instantly recognizable, a celebrity long before most authors were lured out into the limelight.

At different points in his life Mr. Mailer was a prodigious drinker and drug taker, a womanizer, a devoted family man, a would-be politician who ran for mayor of New York, a hipster existentialist, an antiwar protester, an opponent of womens liberation and an all-purpose feuder and short-fused brawler, who with the slightest provocation would happily engage in head-butting, arm-wrestling and random punch-throwing. Boxing obsessed him and inspired some of his best writing. Any time he met a critic or a reviewer, even a friendly one, he would put up his fists and drop into a crouch.

Gore Vidal, with whom he frequently wrangled, once wrote: Mailer is forever shouting at us that he is about to tell us something we must know or has just told us something revelatory and we failed to hear him or that he will, God grant his poor abused brain and body just one more chance, get through to us so that we will know. Each time he speaks he must become more bold, more loud, put on brighter motley and shake more foolish bells. Yet of all my contemporaries I retain the greatest affection for Norman as a force and as an artist. He is a man whose faults, though many, add to rather than subtract from the sum of his natural achievements.

Mr. Mailer was a tireless worker who at his death was writing a sequel to his 2007 novel, The Castle in the Forest. If some of his books, written quickly and under financial pressure, were not as good as he had hoped, none of them were forgettable or without his distinctive stamp. And if he never quite succeeded in bringing off what he called the big one the Great American Novel it was not for want of trying.

Along the way, he transformed American journalism by introducing to nonfiction writing some of the techniques of the novelist and by placing at the center of his reporting a brilliant, flawed and larger-than-life character who was none other than Norman Mailer himself.

A Pampered Son

Norman Kingsley or, in Hebrew, Nachem Malek Mailer was born in Long Branch, N.J., on Jan. 31, 1923. His father, Isaac Barnett Mailer, known as Barney, was a South African migr, a snappy dresser he sometimes wore spats and carried a walking stick and a largely ineffectual businessman.

The dominant figure in the family was Mr. Mailers mother, the former Fanny Schneider, who came from a vibrant clan in Long Branch, where her father ran a grocery and was the towns unofficial rabbi. Though another child, Barbara, was born in 1927, Norman remained his mothers favorite.

When Norman was 9, the family moved to Crown Heights, in Brooklyn. Pampered and doted on, he excelled at both Public School 161 and Boys High School, from which he graduated in 1939.

That fall he enrolled as a 16-year-old freshman at Harvard, where he showed up wearing a newly purchased outfit of gold-brown jacket, green-and-blue striped pants and white saddle shoes. Classmates remembered him as brash and jug-eared and full of big talk about his sexual experience. (In fact he had had very little, a lack he quickly set about rectifying.)

Mr. Mailer intended to major in aeronautical engineering, but by the time he was a sophomore, he had fallen in love with literature. He spent the summer reading and rereading James T. Farrells Studs Lonigan, John Steinbecks Grapes of Wrath and John Dos Passoss U.S.A., and he began, or so he claimed, to set himself a daily quota of 3,000 words of his own, on the theory that this was the way to get bad writing out of his system. By 1941 he was sufficiently purged to win the Story magazine prize for best short story written by an undergraduate.

Mr. Mailer graduated from Harvard in 1943, determined on a literary career. He started on a thousand-page novel about a mental hospital (never published) while waiting to be drafted. He was called up by the Army in the spring of 1944, after marrying Bea Silverman in January, and was sent to the Philippines.

Mr. Mailer saw little combat in the war and finished his military career as a cook in occupied Japan. But his wartime experience, and in particular a single patrol he made on the island of Leyte, became the raw material for The Naked and the Dead, the book that put him on the map.

Mr. Mailer wrote the novel, which is about a 13-man platoon fighting the Japanese on a Pacific atoll, in 15 months or so, and when it was published it was almost universally praised the last time this would happen to him. Some critics ranked it among the best war novels ever written.

The Naked and the Dead sold 200,000 copies in just three months a huge number in those days and remains Mr. Mailers greatest literary and commercial success, even though it is in part an apprentice work, owing a large and transparent debt to Dos Passos, Tolstoy and Farrell.

Mr. Mailer later said of it: Part of me thought it was possibly the greatest book written since War and Peace. On the other hand I also thought, I dont know anything about writing. Im virtually an impostor.

Daring the Unknown

His second book, Barbary Shore (1951), a political novel about, among other things, the struggle between capitalism and socialism, earned what Mr. Mailer called possibly the worst reviews of any serious novel in recent years. A third, The Deer Park (1955), in part a fictionalized account of Elia Kazans troubles with the House Un-American Activities Committee, fared only a little better, and for the rest of the decade he wrote no fiction at all.

For much of the 50s he drifted, frequently drunk or stoned or both, and affected odd accents: British, Irish, gangster, Texan. In 1955, together with two friends, Daniel Wolf and Edwin Fancher, he founded The Village Voice, and while writing a column for that paper he began to evolve what became his trademark style bold, poetic, metaphysical, even shamanistic at times and his personal philosophy of hipsterism.

It was a homespun, Greenwich Village version of existentialism, which argued that the truly with-it, blacks and jazz musicians especially, led more authentic lives and enjoyed better orgasms.

The most famous, or infamous, version of this philosophy was Mr. Mailers controversial 1957 essay The White Negro, which seemed to endorse violence as an existential act and declared the murder of a white candy-store owner by two 18-year-old blacks an example of daring the unknown.

In November 1960, Mr. Mailer stabbed his second wife, Adele Morales, with a penknife, seriously wounding her. It happened at the end of an all-night party announcing Mr. Mailers intention to run in the 1961 mayoral campaign, and he, like many of his guests, had been drinking heavily. Mr. Mailer was arrested, but his wife declined to press charges, and he was eventually released after being sent to Bellevue Hospital for observation. The marriage broke up two years later.

All told, Mr. Mailer was married six times, counting a quickie with Carol Stevens, whom he wed and divorced within a couple of days in 1980 to grant legitimacy to their daughter, Maggie. His other wives, in addition to Ms. Silverman and Ms. Morales, were Lady Jeanne Campbell, granddaughter of Lord Beaverbrook; Beverly Rentz Bentley; and Norris Church, with whom he was living at his death. Lady Jeanne died in June.

In the 1970s Mr. Mailer entered into a long feud with feminists and proponents of womens liberation, and in a famous 1971 debate with Germaine Greer at Town Hall in Manhattan he declared himself an enemy of birth control.

He meant it. By his various wives, Mr. Mailer had eight children, all of whom survive him: Susan, by Ms. Silverman; Danielle and Elizabeth Anne, by Ms. Morales; Kate, by Lady Jeanne; Michael Burks and Stephen McLeod, by Ms. Bentley; Maggie Alexandra, by Ms. Stevens; and John Buffalo, by Ms. Church. Also surviving are an adopted son, Matthew, by an earlier marriage of Ms. Churchs, and 10 grandchildren.

 

For all his hipsterism, Mr. Mailer was an old-fashioned, attentive father. Starting in the 1960s, the financial burden of feeding and clothing his offspring, as well as keeping up with his numerous alimony payments, caused him to churn out a couple of novels, including An American Dream (1965), for the sake of a quick payday and also to take on freelance magazine assignments.

A series of articles for Esquire on the 1968 Republican and Democratic conventions became the basis for his book Miami and the Siege of Chicago, and articles for Harpers and Commentary about the 1967 antiwar march on the Pentagon were the basis for the prizewinning book The Armies of the Night: History as a Novel, the Novel as History.

Servant to a Wild Man

The beginning of Armies is both a good summary of Mr. Mailers life to that point and an example of how he had begun to turn himself into a character in which literary style and selfhood were virtually indistinguishable:

As Mailer had come to recognize over the years, the modest everyday fellow of his daily round was servant to a wild man in himself: The gent did not appear so very often, sometimes so rarely as once a month, sometimes not even twice a year, and he sometimes came when Mailer was frightened and furious at the fear, sometimes he came just to get a breath of fresh air. He was indispensable, however, and Mailer was even fond of him, for the wild man was witty in his own wild way and absolutely fearless. He would have been admirable, except that he was an absolute egomaniac, a Beast no recognition existed of the existence of anything beyond the range of his reach.

The critic Richard Gilman said of the book: In Armies of the Night, the rough force of Mailers imagination, his brilliant wayward gifts of observation, his ravishing if often calculated honesty and his chutzpah all flourish on the steady ground of a newly coherent subject and theme.

Alfred Kazin praised the book for its admirable sensibilities, candid intelligence and most moving concern for America itself.

Somehow in this busy decade Mr. Mailer also managed to write Of a Fire on the Moon, about the 1969 lunar landing, which began as a series for Life magazine; to make his most famous movie, Maidstone, during the filming of which he bit off part of an ear of the actor Rip Torn after Mr. Torn attacked him with a hammer; and to run finally for mayor of New York, this time as a secessionist candidate, campaigning to make New York City the 51st state. He also proposed to ban private automobiles from the city.

The writer Jimmy Breslin, who was also on the ticket, thought the race was a lark until, at a disastrous rally at the Village Gate nightclub, he discovered that Mr. Mailer was serious. Mr. Breslin later recalled, I found out I was running with Ezra Pound. (The Mailer team eventually lost in the Democratic primary to Mario Procaccino, who was beaten in the election by John V. Lindsay.)

In an interview in September 2006, Mr. Mailer said his favorite novel, if not his best, was Tough Guys Dont Dance, a mystery thriller he wrote, under extreme financial pressure, in just two months in 1984. He was in tax trouble, he explained, and needed to crank something out quickly. I was prepared to write a bad book if necessary, he said, but instead the style came out, and that saved it for me.

His best book, he decided after thinking for a moment, was Ancient Evenings (1983), a long novel about ancient Egypt that received what had by then become familiar critical treatment: extravagantly praised in some quarters, disdained in others. About the book that many critics consider his masterpiece, The Executioners Song, he said he had mixed feelings because it wasnt entirely his project.

The Executioners Song, which is about Gary Gilmore, a convicted murderer who, after a stay on death row, asked to be executed by the State of Utah in 1976, was the idea of Lawrence Schiller, a writer and filmmaker who did much of the reporting for the book, taping Mr. Gilmore and his family.

But in The Executioners Song, Mr. Mailer recast this material in what was for him a new impersonal voice that rendered the thoughts of his characters in a style partly drawn from their own way of talking. He called it a true-life novel.

Joan Didion, reviewing the book for The New York Times Book Review, said: It is ambitious to the point of vertigo. It is a largely unremarked fact about Mailer that he is a great and obsessed stylist, a writer to whom the shape of the sentence is the story. His sentences do not get long or short by accident, or because he is in a hurry. I think no one but Mailer could have dared this book. The authentic Western voice, the voice heard in The Executioners Song, is one heard often in life but only rarely in literature.

 

Mr. Schiller also assisted Mr. Mailer with Oswalds Tale: An American Mystery, his 1995 book about Lee Harvey Oswald, President John F. Kennedys assassin. In a review for The Sunday Times of London, Martin Amis called the book a remarkable feat of imaginative sympathy. But Mr. Amis also noted that it recalled Mr. Mailers championing of the convict Jack Henry Abbott, which displayed, he said, the authors old weakness for any killer who has puzzled his way through a few pages of Marx.

Mr. Abbott was serving a long sentence in a Utah prison for forgery and for killing a fellow inmate when, in 1977, he began writing to Mr. Mailer. Mr. Mailer saw literary talent in Mr. Abbotts letters and helped him publish them in an acclaimed volume called In the Belly of the Beast. He also lobbied to get Mr. Abbott paroled. A few weeks after being released, in June 1981, Mr. Abbott, now a darling in leftist literary circles, stabbed to death a waiter in a Lower East Side restaurant, and his champion became a target of national outrage.

Black-Tie Benefits

The episode was the last great controversy of Mr. Mailers career. Chastened perhaps, and stabilized by his marriage to Ms. Church, a former model whom he wed in November 1980, Mr. Mailer mellowed and even turned sedate. The former hostess-baiter and scourge of parties became a regular guest at black-tie benefits and dinners given by the likes of William S. Paley, Gloria Vanderbilt and Oscar de la Renta. His editor, Jason Epstein, said of this period, There are two sides to Norman Mailer, and the good side has won.

In 1984 Mr. Mailer was elected president of PEN American Center, the writers organization, and was the main force in bringing together writers from all over the world for a much publicized literary conference called The Writers Imagination and the Imagination of the State. For a change, Mr. Mailer even found himself attacked from the left as many of the attendees protested about his inviting George P. Shultz, then secretary of state, to address the opening session. Mr. Mailer dismissed them as puritanical leftists.

In the 90s Mr. Mailers health began to fail. He had arthritis and angina and was fitted with two hearing aids. But his productivity was undiminished, especially after he embarked on what he called a monastic regime in 1995, swearing off drinking when he was working.

Bellow and myself and a couple of others were very much smaller than Faulkner and Hemingway, he conceded early in the decade, but he never backed off from the claim that among his contemporaries he was the heavyweight champion.

In 1991 he published Harlots Ghost, a 1,310-page novel about the Central Intelligence Agency, in which he conceived of it as a kind of cold-war church, the keeper of the nations secrets and the bearer of its values. A poorly received biography of Picasso came out in 1995, followed in 1997 by The Gospel According to the Son, a first-person novel about Jesus. It gave some critics the opportunity they had been waiting for. Norman Mailer thinks hes God, they said.

Mr. Mailers next novel, The Castle in the Forest, was about Hitler, but the narrator was a devil, a persona the author admitted he found particularly congenial. Its as close as a writer gets to unrequited joy, he said. We are devils when all is said and done.

Interviewed at his house in Provincetown, Mass., shortly before that books publication, Mr. Mailer, frail but cheerful, said he hoped his failing eyesight would hold out long enough for him to complete a sequel. His knees were shot, he added, holding up the two canes he walked with, and he had begun doing daily crossword puzzles to refresh his word hoard.

On the other hand, he said, writing was now easier for him in at least one respect.

The waste is less, he said. The elements of mania and depression are diminished. Writing is a serious and sober activity for me now compared to when I was younger. The question of how good are you is one that really good novelists obsess about more than poor ones. Good novelists are always terribly affected by the fear that theyre not as good as they thought and why are they doing it, what are they up to?

Its such an odd notion, particularly in this technological society, of whether your life is justified by being a novelist, he continued. And the nice thing about getting older is that I no longer worry about that. Ive come to the simple recognition that would have saved me much woe 30 or 40 or 50 years ago that ones eventual reputation has very little to do with ones talent. History determines it, not the order of your words.

Shaking his head, he added: In two years I will have been a published novelist for 60 years. Thats not true for very many of us. And he recalled something he had said at the National Book Award ceremony in 2005, when he was given a lifetime achievement award: that he felt like an old coachmaker who looks with horror at the turn of the 20th century, watching automobiles roar by with their fumes.

I think the novel is on the way out, he said. I also believe, because its natural to take ones own occupation more seriously than others, that the world may be the less for that.


#5174 From: "Sam Vaknin author of \"Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited\"" <vaksam@...>
Date: Mon Nov 12, 2007 10:59 am
Subject: Analyze This - Short Fiction about Narcissists - A Language of Black and Red - Week 1
vaksammt
Send Email Send Email
 
Hi,
 
My name is Sam Vaknin and I am a narcissist. I wrote 15 stories (short fiction) about narcissists.

The owners and moderators of this great support group will post one of my stories each week and ask you, the members, to comment on it.

The best way to go about it is to read the text of the story and then click on the links to additional relevant resources.

Having done that, scroll down to the reading guide. It contains questions to ponder, issues that the story raises, and commentary.

Feel free to react, argue, agree, and disagree.

At the end of the week, I will respond to your comments and wrap up the thread.

 
A Language of Black and Red
 
By Sam Vaknin
 

Eli and I sit on ladder-backs next to a luxurious roulette in a casino in Spain. I can almost pick glitters from the heavy, lowered chandeliers. I can practically touch the shiny wooden wheel. I can see the croupier's manicured nails. Lithe young bellhops, clad in ornamental uniforms, place trays on gypsum pillars next to our chairs. We fervently gulp the champagne from the tall, prismatic glasses and nibble at the tiny sandwiches.

We are that lucky that we dare not leave the table, not even to relieve ourselves.

Piles of shiny square chips represent our exceptional streak of winnings. The table supervisor looks very anxious. He shifts restlessly on his elevated seat, hawk-eyeing everyone malevolently. Sure enough, he doesn't like us. He clears all other players, letting us bet in splendid isolation, facing each other.

Eli's upper lip and temples glisten. My armpits ooze the acrid smell of manly perspiration. Easy to tell we are tense or apprehensive or both. We evade each other's gaze. Our hands are shaking and the boys keep pumping us with increasingly inebriating drinks. They want us under the influence. They want us to cough up everything we have and then some. We want to win. We want the casino broke. Our differences are profoundly irreconcilable.

Eli is a quarter of a tough century my senior. His life-swept face is haggard, straggly and raven eyebrows, lips cruel and eyes chillingly penetrating. He finds his sense of humor irresistible. It often is.

My baby face is framed by the plastic quadrangles of my glasses. I broadcast innocence and guile. The reactions I provoke are mixed. Some sense my vulnerability and hasten to protect me. Others find my haughty slyness loathsome. I guess I conjure my defenselessness to con my victims.

It may prove unhealthy to lose our sponsors' money. These people are charm itself and sheer delight - until you breach their pockets. They tend to lose their fabled equanimity. They regard business losses as hostile acts and the perpetrators as lethal enemies. So, they strike first, giving you no chance to err, to apologize, to scrutinize.

We are piling on not be piled in. The dough is multiplying. What if we lose? Eli says he has this thing going for him tonight, a wild card, from nature, and he does not dream to stop even though we reek of the casino's funds, even though two Spanish beauties resolutely scramble over him and heavies in bursting suits forage around obtrusively.

Eli's protruding eyes fixated on the wheel, mesmerically attempting to bring it to a favored halt.

It smoothly winds down and Eli ignores my furious pestering: our underwriters invested to test and implement a betting method I developed. "I am offended" - I whisper, he ignores me. A febrile Eli has bonded with the table and every number wins, especially his choices.

"Twenty eight!" - he hisses, sidestepping the croupier to fetch his gains. He sprawls on the green felt surface and lovingly enfolds the clacking tokens. Reclining, eyes shut agloat, he savors his unaccustomed fortune. For he deserves a break. To Eli, this is not a game or, as I regard it, merely another path to self-enrichment.

To him, it is a sweet revenge for all the years he wasted, vending decaying fruits, along dusty and sizzling highways. This loot proves his detractors wrong. It loudly states, in black and red: I am here, not to be snubbed.

"Let's play some baccarat" - he sneers - "I am tired of this game."

We stretch our limbs and Eli surveys the killing fields we leave behind. He tremulously stacks the chips on one another, by size and then by color. We carry them with trepidation all the way to the cashier and convert them to pesetas. Eli halves the tottering mound. He entreats me to deposit one of the two resulting heaps in the strongbox in our room.

He pleadingly commands me:

"No matter how much I beg and threaten, order or cajole - do not be tempted to obey me. Do not bring down this money."

I eagerly acquiesce.

"And now" - he rubs his hands - "Let's fry this fish in its own fat. Let's use some of the profits to dine in the casino's restaurant. Do you know that eateries in gambling dens are the best in the world?"

I don't. It is my first trip away from Israel. But he is right, the food is mouthwatering. A gypsy band of violins plays in the background.

Now, cleaned out gamblers alight by our burdened table and pat Eli's upright back. They greet him eagerly, as though, through him, they humble the much unloved establishment. They questioningly glance at me, a cold appraising look. They recount how they turned pros and swap the numbers of their rooms in the hotel above the gaming halls.

They sound content but look harassed and wiry. Involuntary ticks ravage their hands and faces. They all sport golden rings, red necks enchained with chokers. Their eyes dart restively. They sound as though they are listening and nod their heads in places, right and wrong - but they are distant. Minute or two of pleasantries and off they go to haunt another patron.

The dinner over, Eli fires up a black cigar and sighs. He casts an ominous stare at me for daring to suggest we call it a day.

"Don't be a jinx!" - he rasps - "You don't retire on a night like this with Lady Luck herself in partnership. These are the kind of early hours that casinos fear, I tell you." - and he goes on to rattle off the names of acquaintances turned millionaires. The next day they reverted, he ruefully admits. "Too greedy" - is his verdict - "Didn't know when to stand up"

Now that we've won, can we try out my method?

He snorts.

"It puts me to sleep, your martingale." - he grunts - "Its slowness drives me to distraction. I came here to enjoy myself, not just to profit. If you insist, here is some cash. Go, play your darned system. Just do me a favor, stray to another table."

Eli, returning to our first roulette, is greeted with regal pomp. I wander to a further board with lower minimum wagers. I squash my way into a raucous mob. They screech and squeal with every spin. I place some of my meager funds on red. Despite the tiny sum and nearly equal chances - I waver nauseous and scared. Until the ball reposes and the croupier announces black. Twenty eight.

I lost.

Another dose on red, just slightly larger. Another anxious wait while the croupier employs a silver rake to place the bets. I sneak a peek at Eli's table. It's hard to tell his state. His body tilts in zealous inclination, his shaded eyes impale the imperturbable dealer, his twitchy hands engulf the cards doled out from the "shoe". It's "21" or Blackjack, a pretty basic card game.

On certain rounds, Eli presents his palm, two of its fingers pointing at the "shoe". The dealer acknowledges him discreetly and draws the cards. He lays them gingerly in front of Eli who, exultant, gathers his winnings and tips the grateful worker. I can relax.

My tiny gains accumulate. The hours pass, the tables empty, it's only I and the croupier. My capital is nearly doubled. Eli, his countenance spent, keeps gambling. His bobbing head recoils as he awakes from interrupted slumber. It's just the two of us against the weary staff.

As autumn night is pierced by moonlight, the practiced smiles are lifted, wiped is the feigned civility of all involved. Players and house alike frantically observe each card, each turn of the wheel, the rested ball, the flickering digits of the stressed croupier. We shut our bloodshot eyes between one twirl and another, in intervals when cards aren't dealt and profits aren't paid.

Fatigue-glued to my chair I find it hard to stoop and place the wagers on the fluctuating squares of the roulette board. Eli wobbles towards me, his loosened tie dangling on his much-stained shirt. He undoes the upper buttons and slumps onto a lounger.

The presence of his silence compels me to skip the coming spin. I half turn towards him, rubbing my eyes with sticky hand. We stare at the tarnished carpet until he mutters:

"I am left with nothing."

And then:

"Go get the money from the safe."

But then he had instructed me to ignore such orders. Using my method, I have doubled our funds and more while Eli lost all our money overnight. I feel wrath-struck. I want to grab him by his tainted collar and shake him till it hurts. Instead, I rise, my legs a wobbly and edematous mass. I stumble hesitantly until the pains subside and I can properly walk, toes hard on heels, to the elevator bank.

When I am back, Eli is slouched, position same, and snores. I could refrain from rousing him, say that I fell asleep in our room, that I lost the key to the safety deposit box, that I stirred him up but he wouldn't budge, I could come up with anything I damn well please, now that he is sound asleep - he will thank me for it, he will want to believe me. It is our last chance.

I regard the rustling plastic bag. I feel the greenish notes inside. Then I jiggle Eli's shoulder. He comes to in panic, surveying the alien landscape. Then, mechanically, he snatches our neatly packed reserve and falters towards his table.

I bide the time to his return, eyes glazed, lips forced into a tortuous smile.

"It's over" - he mumbles - "let's get out of here."

I collect my winnings from the board and proudly display them. He snickers:

"Less than my losses in every minute of this cursed evening."

But that is all we have. We pack our meager belongings and sneak through the back door to the taxi at the head of a nocturnal queue. Eli sprawls across the upholstered back seat for a quick shut-eye. I give the driver the name of our hotel at the heart of Madrid and he embarks on the twisting byways of the mountain slope.

Midway, Eli stops the cab and throws up through the semi lowered pane. The irate cabby refuses to proceed. He points to an antiquated manual meter and demands his fee. I pay him and with emphatic whoosh he vanishes behind a gloomy curve.

Eli and I, left crouching on a foreign hillside, far from any settlement, the night a velvet murk. Eli ascends the road, takes me in tow, two Chaplinesque figures in bargain-basement suits and fluttering cravats. The hours pass and we are no closer to our destination. A rising sun daubs us with pink and wine.

Eli turns to me and vows:

"From now on we play only with your system, Shmuel, I swear to you, only your martingale."

I don't respond. I distrust Eli's ability to keep his promises. This pledge came unsolicited and useless.

Eli drags his feet laboriously, wipes tears from reddened eyes and moans:

"Only your way, I guarantee, never again just gambling wildly. We wager on your brain and win, we win a lot, I'm talking millions. We won't know what to do with it, I'm telling you. After all, how many steaks can one consume? With mushrooming gains, we will occupy the best hotels and bang the greatest stunners, and wear the chicest clothes ..."

There is such yearning in his voice. I embrace him warmly and I say:

"Sure thing, Eli, it's bound to happen. You and I, and screw the world. What you have just described is only the beginning. Just stick to my gambling system and it will turn out fine. Casinos everywhere will fear us like the plague ..."

"The  plague" - Eli reiterates and we stand, cuddled, two silhouettes carved against the inexorably rising day.

ADDITIONAL RESOURCES

Narcissism, Substance Abuse, and Reckless Behaviors

Grandiosity Deconstructed

Abusing the Gullible Narcissist

Narcissistic Immunity

QUESTIONS TO PONDER

This part is meant only to provoke thoughts. It is not a substitute to independent thinking, criticism, and analysis.

Do you feel pity for Eli? Why?

How is Eli's gambling related to his narcissism?

How does Eli's narcissism show? In what ways does him affect him and his nearest?

What do you think of my behavior in the story? Should and could I have behaved differently?

Can you visualize Eli's future?

What relationship do I maintain with Eli and why do I stick with him?


#5175 From: "Sam Vaknin author of \"Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited\"" <vaksam@...>
Date: Mon Nov 12, 2007 2:01 pm
Subject: Blatant Benevolence
vaksammt
Send Email Send Email
 

Click on these links:

The Misanthropic Altruist

http://samvak.tripod.com/journal81.html

The Compulsive Giver

http://samvak.tripod.com/journal96.html

============================

 

Evolutionary psychology

Blatant benevolence and conspicuous consumption

Aug 2nd 2007
From The Economist print edition

Charity is just as selfish as self-indulgence


Illustrations

GEOFFREY MILLER is a man with a theory that, if true, will change the way people think about themselves. His idea is that the human brain is the anthropoid equivalent of the peacock's tail. In other words, it is an organ designed to attract the opposite sex. Of course, brains have many other functions, and the human brain shares those with the brains of other animals. But Dr Miller, who works at the University of New Mexico, thinks that mental processes which are uniquely human, such as language and the ability to make complicated artefacts, evolved originally for sexual display.

One important difference between peacocks' tails and human minds, of course, is that the peahen's accoutrement is a drab affair. No one could say the same of the human female psyche. That, Dr Miller believes, is because people, unlike peafowl, bring up their offspring in families where both sexes are involved in parenting. It thus behoves a man to be as careful about choosing his wife as a woman is about choosing her husband.

Both sexes, therefore, have reason to show off. But men and women will have different criteria for making their choices, and so the sexual-display sides of their minds may differ in detail.

Testing this hypothesis will be a long haul. But in a paper he has just published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, in collaboration with Vladas Griskevicius of Arizona State University, Dr Miller goes some way towards it. He, Dr Griskevicius and their colleagues look into two activitiesconspicuous consumption and altruism towards strangersto see if these support the mating mind hypothesis, as Dr Miller has dubbed his idea. Their conclusion is that they do.

Things are seldom what they seem

Altruism, according to the text books, has two forms. One is known technically as kin selection, and familiarly as nepotism. This spreads an individual's genes collaterally, rather than directly, but is otherwise similar to his helping his own offspring. The second form is reciprocal altruism, or you scratch my back and I'll scratch yours. It relies on trust, and a good memory for favours given and received, but is otherwise not much different from simultaneous collaboration (such as a wolf pack hunting) in that the benefit exceeds the cost for all parties involved.

Humans, however, show a third sort of altruismone that has no obvious pay-off. This is altruism towards strangers, for example, charity. That may enhance reputation. But how does an enhanced reputation weigh in the Darwinian balance?

To investigate this question, the researchers made an interesting link. At first sight, helping charities looks to be at the opposite end of the selfishness spectrum from conspicuous consumption. Yet they have something in common: both involve the profligate deployment of resources.

That is characteristic of the consequences of sexual selection. An individual shows he (or she) has resources to burnwhether those are biochemical reserves, time or, in the human instance, moneyby using them to make costly signals. That demonstrates underlying fitness of the sort favoured by evolution. Viewed this way, both conspicuous consumption and what the researchers call blatant benevolence are costly signals. And since they are behaviours rather than structures, and thus controlled by the brain, they may be part of the mating mind.

There is, of course, a lot of evidence for the first part of this conjecture. Everybody knows that fast cars attract fast women. The second, though, may come as a surprise. So the team did an experiment to compare them.

They divided a bunch of volunteers into two groups. Those in one were put into what the researchers hoped would be a romantic mindset by being shown pictures of attractive members of the opposite sex. They were each asked to write a description of a perfect date with one of these people. The unlucky members of the other group were shown pictures of buildings and told to write about the weather.

The participants were then asked two things. The first was to imagine they had $5,000 in the bank. They could spend part or all of it on various luxury items such as a new car, a dinner party at a restaurant or a holiday in Europe. They were also asked what fraction of a hypothetical 60 hours of leisure time during the course of a month they would devote to volunteer work.

The results were just what the researchers hoped for. In the romantically primed group, the men went wild with the Monopoly money. Conversely, the women volunteered their lives away. Those women continued, however, to be skinflints, and the men remained callously indifferent to those less fortunate than themselves. Meanwhile, in the other group there was little inclination either to profligate spending or to good works. Based on this result, it looks as though the sexes do, indeed, have different strategies for showing off. Moreover, they do not waste their resources by behaving like that all the time. Only when it counts sexually are men profligate and women helpful.

That result was confirmed by the second experiment which, instead of looking at the amount of spending and volunteering, looked at how conspicuous it was. After all, there is little point in producing a costly signal if no one sees it.

As predicted, romantically primed men wanted to buy items that they could wear or drive, rather than things to be kept at home. Their motive, therefore, was not mere acquisitiveness. Similarly, romantically primed women volunteered for activities such as working in a shelter for the homeless, rather than spending an afternoon alone picking up rubbish in a park. For both sexes, however, those in an unromantic mood were indifferent to the public visibility of their choices.

These two studies support the idea, familiar from everyday life, that what women want in a partner is material support while men require self-sacrifice. Conspicuous consumption allows men to demonstrate the former. Blatant benevolence allows women to demonstrate the latter. There is, however, a confounding observation. The most blatant benevolence of all, that of billionaires giving away their fortunes and heroes giving away (or at least risking) their lives, is almost entirely a male phenomenon.

To examine this, the team did another experiment. They found that when requests for benevolence were financial, rather than time-consuming, romantically primed men were happy to chip in extravagantly. Giving money to charity is thus more akin to conspicuous consumption than it is to blatant benevolence. The primed men were also willing (or at least said they were willing) to act heroically as well as spendbut only if the action suggested was life-threatening. Women, romantically primed or not, weren't.

Heroism, of course, is a pretty high-risk strategy. But if you survive, you really have proved the quality of your genes. As the old saw has it, faint heart never won fair lady. On the other hand a soft heart, it appears, wins a gentleman.


#5176 From: "Sam Vaknin author of \"Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited\"" <vaksam@...>
Date: Wed Nov 14, 2007 5:01 pm
Subject: Missing a Diagnosis That Hit Too Close to Home
vaksammt
Send Email Send Email
 

 
Narcissists and Mood Disorders
 

 
Cases

Missing a Diagnosis That Hit Too Close to Home

By RONALD PIES, M.D.
Published: July 31, 2007

Mike and I must have done a hundred psychiatric emergency admissions together the hallucinating, the intoxicated, the violent ones, brought in by the police. Mike was known as a smart, confident, level-headed nurse, one of the few male nurses in the field, back in the 1980s. As a fledgling psychiatrist, I always respected his assessments in the E.R.; when he said, This guy needs to be on a locked unit, I listened. Even on our excellent nursing staff, Mike was known as the top gun.

Skip to next paragraph
Frank Stockton

One morning, as I arrived on our inpatient unit, I nearly froze in my tracks. Our overnight admission stood in the hallway, looking disheveled and sporting a dense 5 oclock shadow. He had the vacant look of someone whose spirit had been snuffed out like a cold candle. Our overnight admission was Mike.

It turned out that he had been struggling with a ferocious bout of depression for several weeks. Even those who had been with him recently in the E.R. were shocked at his appearance; he looked as if his blood had been drained and replaced with skim milk. I resolved immediately that I would be the one to bring him back from the Land of the Unliving.

Before you can put some folks back together, as one of my supervisors liked to say, they need to fall apart. Mike certainly qualified on that score. He spent most of his time curled up in a ball, sleeping on his cot. He had the usual symptoms of major depression: low self-esteem, loss of pleasure in most activities, thoughts of suicide and a tremendous sense of guilt. The precipitating causes were not clear, and Mike seemed humiliated at our efforts to delve into them. He, too, saw himself as a sort of top gun, and he had been ignominiously shot down.

I treated Mike with two robust antidepressant regimens over the course of about two months. I saw him twice weekly in individual psychotherapy and made sure he attended group therapy three days a week. Yet nothing seemed to budge his depression. His lethargy and somnolence seemed almost contagious, and our staff clearly felt uncomfortable working with Mike. He was a disconcerting reminder of our own vulnerability to depression, to what Winston Churchill used to call The Black Dog. I no longer wanted to meet Mikes gaze in the hallway for fear he would catch the look of failure in my eyes.

In those days before managed care, we could keep patients on our unit for eight weeks or even more. But after a couple of months, Mike signed out of our unit, against medical advice. He was not suicidal, and there was no legal justification to keep him. I sulked around the unit for days afterward, wondering how I could have let him down so miserably.

A few weeks later, I ran into him outside the medical center. He looked as if he had just come back from a vacation in Tahiti. Ron! he yelled, Great to see you! Hey, you wont believe it! I saw this private psychiatrist and he figured out my problem. I had atypical depression. He put me on this fancy medication called an MAOI. I hate giving up wine and cheese, but I feel like a million bucks!

As I tried to work up a smile, I wished nothing more than to sink into the sidewalk. Atypical depression how could I have missed it? I had actually written a paper with one of my supervisors on this very diagnosis. Atypically depressed patients often show a different clinical picture from those with classical major depression. They often oversleep and overeat, for example. (Indeed, Mike had not lost weight before his admission.) And instead of feeling more depressed in the morning, as is common in major depression, atypically depressed patients tend to crash in the evening.

Furthermore, as Mikes private psychiatrist clearly knew, patients with atypical depression often respond better to MAOIs (monoamine oxidase inhibitors) than to standard antidepressants.

Why had I not prescribed an MAOI? Perhaps, on some level, I was afraid of exposing Mike to a medication I knew to be potentially lethal, if proper precautions werent taken. But the explanation doesnt hold much water. After all, that very medication helped give Mike back his life.

I think something else may have been at work: a phenomenon that Dr. Jerome Groopman identifies in his new book, How Doctors Think.

Dr. Groopman observes that V.I.P. or celebrity patients sometimes short-circuit the physicians normal diagnostic thinking. For example, these patients may be spared the doctors usual tests and procedures. As our top gun, Mike was just such a patient to me. Even as I entertained grandiose fantasies about curing him, my unconscious may have steered me away from doing everything I could to help him get better.

Ronald Pies is a psychiatrist in the Boston area.

 

The Depressive has pervasive and continuous depressive cognitions (thoughts) and behaviors. They manifest themselves in every area of life and never abate. The patient is gloomy, dejected, pessimistic, overly serious, lacks a sense of humor, cheerless, joyless, and constantly unhappy. This dark mood is not influenced by changing circumstances.
 
Continue to read this article here (click on this link):
 
 
Many scholars consider pathological narcissism to be a form of depressive illness. This is the position of the authoritative magazine "Psychology Today". The life of the typical narcissist is, indeed, punctuated with recurrent bouts of dysphoria (ubiquitous sadness and hopelessness), anhedonia (loss of the ability to feel pleasure), and clinical forms of depression (cyclothymic, dysthymic, or other). This picture is further obfuscated by the frequent presence of mood disorders, such as Bipolar I (co-morbidity).
 
Continue to read this article here (click on this link):
 
 
Bipolar patients in the manic phase exhibit many of the signs and symptoms of pathological narcissism - hyperactivity, self-centeredness, lack of empathy, and control freakery. During this recurring chapter of the disease, the patient is euphoric, has grandiose fantasies, spins unrealistic schemes, and has frequent rage attacks (is irritable) if her or his wishes and plans are (inevitably) frustrated.
 
Continue to read this article here (click on this link):
 
 
Question:
 
My husband is a narcissist and is constantly depressed. Is there any connection between these two problems?
 
Answer:
 
Continue to read this article here (click on this link):
 
 
Question:
 
I know a narcissist intimately. Sometimes he is hyperactive, full of ideas, optimism, plans. At other times, he is hypoactive, almost zombie-like.
 
Answer:
 
Continue to read this article here (click on this link):
 
 
Question:
 
Doesn't the narcissist ever feel sorry for his "victims"?
 
Answer:
 
The narcissist always feels "bad". He experiences all manner of depressive episodes and lesser dysphoric moods. He goes through a full panoply of mood disorders and anxiety disorders. He experiences panic from time to time. It is not pleasant to be a narcissist.
 
Continue to read this article here (click on this link):
 
 
The Bipolar Disorder got its name because the mania is followed by - usually protracted - depressive attacks. A similar pattern of mood shifts and dysphorias occurs in many personality disorders such as the Borderline, Narcissistic, Paranoid, and Masochistic.
 
Continue to read this article here (click on this link):
 


 


#5177 From: "Sam Vaknin author of \"Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited\"" <vaksam@...>
Date: Wed Nov 14, 2007 6:13 pm
Subject: SAM'S DAILY LINK Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD)
vaksammt
Send Email Send Email
 
If you are a rebellious child or teenager and you have not been diagnosed
with Conduct Disorder, you are still at risk of being labelled and
pathologized. The DSM informs us that "The essential feature of Oppositional
Defiant Disorder is a recurrent pattern of negativistic, defiant,
disobedient, and hostile behavior towards authority figures that persists
for at least 6 months."


Continue to read this article here (click on this link):

http://samvak.tripod.com/personalitydisorders43.html

The article you just read is part of my book, "Malignant Self Love -
Narcissism Revisited" (January 2007)

You can buy the EIGHTH PRINT edition of "Malignant Self Love - Narcissism
Revisited" (January 2007) from Barnes and Noble (the cheapest - but does
not include the bonus pack):

http://search.barnesandnoble.com/bookSearch/isbnInquiry.asp?r=1&ISBN=97880238338\
43

(Or, click on this link - http://www.bn.com - and search for "Sam Vaknin" or
"Malignant Self Love").

Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited (PRINT edition)  is now available
from Amazon Canada (no bonus pack):

http://www.amazon.ca/exec/obidos/tg/detail/offer-listing/-/8023833847/new/

And from Amazon.com (no bonus pack):

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/8023833847/

Buy the PRINT book from the publisher (sixth edition, more expensive, but
includes a bonus pack):

More information about the book:

http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/thebook.html

To purchase - click on this link:

http://www.ccnow.com/cgi-local/cart.cgi?vaksam_MSL

ELECTRONIC BOOKS (computer files)

Buy EIGHT electronic books about narcissism and abusive relationships - for
the price of ONE print book!

To purchase the Narcissism Series of e-books - click on these links:

"The Narcissism Series" (November 2006)

Eight e-books regarding Pathological Narcissism, relationships with abusive
narcissists, and the Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).

http://www.ccnow.com/cgi-local/cart.cgi?vaksam_SERIES

You can also purchase the books comprising the Narcissism Series separately:

I. NEW!!! "Abusive Relationships WORKBOOK" (February 2006)

http://www.ccnow.com/cgi-local/cart.cgi?vaksam_WORKBOOK

II. NEW!!! "Toxic Relationships - Abuse and its Aftermath" (February 2006)

http://www.ccnow.com/cgi-local/cart.cgi?vaksam_ABUSE

III. "The Narcissist and Psychopath in the Workplace" (September 2006)

http://www.ccnow.com/cgi-local/cart.cgi?vaksam_WORKPLACE

IV. "Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited" - EIGHTH, Revised Edition
(November 2006)

http://www.ccnow.com/cgi-local/cart.cgi?vaksam_MSL-EBOOK

V. "Pathological Narcissism FAQs" (November 2006)

http://www.ccnow.com/cgi-local/cart.cgi?vaksam_FAQS

VI. "The World of the Narcissist" (November 2006)

http://www.ccnow.com/cgi-local/cart.cgi?vaksam_ESSAY

VII. "Excerpts from the Archives of the Narcissism List"

http://www.ccnow.com/cgi-local/cart.cgi?vaksam_EXCERPTS

VIII. "Diary of a Narcissist" (November 2005)

http://www.ccnow.com/cgi-local/cart.cgi?vaksam_JOURNAL

Malignant Self Love, Toxic Relationships - and MORE!!!

http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/thebook.html

Free excerpts from the EIGHTH, Revised Impression of "Malignant Self Love -
Narcissism Revisited" are available as well as a NEW EDITION of the
Narcissism Book of Quotes.

Click on this link to download the files:

http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/freebooks.html

Take care there.

Sam

#5178 From: "Sam Vaknin author of \"Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited\"" <vaksam@...>
Date: Thu Nov 15, 2007 10:28 am
Subject: Narcissism as a career move
vaksammt
Send Email Send Email
 
Pathological Narcissism - A Dysfunction or a Blessing?

http://samvak.tripod.com/narcissismdysfunction.html

The Narcissist in the Workplace

http://samvak.tripod.com/narcissistinworkplace.html

===========================================

Narcissism as a career move

Vancouver Sun

Published: Saturday, August 19, 2006

How many narcissists does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one -- but he has to wait for the whole world to revolve around him.

Researchers have found that criminals, psychiatric patients and CEOs share
common traits, which might come as no surprise to loyal readers of the
International Socialist Review, but might be something of an eyeopener for
the rest of
us.

Successful business managers, they discovered, are as likely to exhibit the
traits of narcissistic personality disorder -- lack of empathy, alienation,
grandiosity, amorality, hyper-sensitivity -- as the residents of prisons and
mental hospitals.

Not that that's a bad thing.

Michael Maccoby, author of The Productive Narcissist: The Promise and Peril
of Visionary Leadership, says narcissistic leaders can be visionaries who
create excitement, turning their companies into near cult-like organizations
that
propagate the CEO's world view.

"Narcissists are driven to engage others and to bring others into their
vision," Maccoby told the Conference Board publication Across the Board.
"It's a
profound psychic need."

Often cited as successful productive narcissists are Microsoft's Bill Gates,
Apple's Steven Jobs and General Electric's Jack Welch.

While narcissists can be charismatic leaders and innovative thinkers, the
jury is out on whether these qualities translate into better corporate
performance. A study called It's All About Me: Narcissistic CEOs and Their
Effects on
Company Strategy and Performance revealed that CEOs at the high end of the
narcissism scale were more likely to take high-risk, high-reward actions
that
deliver big wins -- or big losses. The more narcissistic the CEO, the more
volatile
the performance.

A more incremental approach, favoured by productive obsessives, as Maccoby
called them, would produce steadier, more consistent results.

So how do you know if your boss is a narcissist? Well, researchers have
developed their own indicators. They looked at the size of the CEO's
photograph in
the annual report, the prominence of his or her name in press releases, the
length of the CEO's entry in Who's Who, the frequency of self-references in
interviews and the CEO's compensation relative to that of the second highest
paid
executive in the company.

Okay, so it isn't exactly the scientific method.

Since there's a fine line between narcissism and psychopathy, you could also
use the Psychopathy Checklist developed by University of British Columbia
professor emeritus Robert Hare.

Here are the traits of corporate psychopaths: glibness and superficial
charm;
grandiose sense of self-worth; pathological lying; cunning and
manipulativeness; lack of remorse or guilt; shallow affect (that is,
coldness covered up by
dramatic emotional displays that are insincere); callousness and lack of
empathy; and the failure to accept responsibility for one's own actions.

Working for people like this can be stimulating -- until it becomes
intolerable.

 The Vancouver Sun 2006

#5179 From: "Sam Vaknin author of \"Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited\"" <vaksam@...>
Date: Thu Nov 15, 2007 10:26 am
Subject: Narcissistic personality disorder
vaksammt
Send Email Send Email
 

Only a qualified mental health diagnostician can determine whether someone suffers from Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) and this, following lengthy tests and personal interviews. Click on these links to learn more:
 
 
 
 
====================================

 

Narcissistic personality disorder

Definition

Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is defined by the Fourth Edition Text Revision of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV-TR, a handbook that mental health professionals use to diagnose mental disorders) as one of ten personality disorders. As a group, these disorders are described by DSM-IV-TRas "enduring pattern[s] of inner experience and behavior" that are sufficiently rigid and deep-seated to bring a person into repeated conflicts with his or her social and occupational environment. DSM-IV-TRspecifies that these dysfunctional patterns must be regarded as nonconforming or deviant by the person's culture, and cause significant emotional pain and/or difficulties in relationships and occupational performance.

To meet the diagnosis of a personality disorder, the patient's problematic behaviors must appear in two or more of the following areas:

  • perception and interpretation of the self and other people
  • intensity and duration of feelings and their appropriateness to situations
  • relationships with others
  • ability to control impulses

It is important to note that all the personality disorders are considered to have their onset in late adolescence or early adulthood. Doctors rarely give a diagnosis of personality disorder to children on the grounds that children's personalities are still in process of formation and may change considerably by the time they are in their late teens.

NPD is defined more specifically as a pattern of grandiosity (exaggerated claims to talents, importance, or specialness) in the patient's private fantasies or outward behavior; a need for constant admiration from others; and a lack of empathy for others. The term narcissisticis derived from an ancient Greek legend, the story of Echo and Narcissus. According to the legend, Echo was a woodland nymph who fell in love with Narcissus, who was an uncommonly handsome but also uncommonly vain young man. He contemptuously rejected her expressions of love. She pined away and died. The god Apollo was angered by Narcissus' pride and self-satisfaction, and condemned him to die without ever knowing human love. One day, Narcissus was feeling thirsty, saw a pool of clear water nearby, and knelt beside it in order to dip his hands in the water and drink. He saw his face reflected on the surface of the water and fell in love with the reflection. Unable to win a response from the image in the water, Narcissus eventually died beside the pool.

Havelock Ellis, a British psychologist, first used the story of Echo and Narcissus in 1898 as a capsule summary of pathological self-absorption. The words narcissistand narcissistichave been part of the vocabulary of psychology and psychiatry ever since. They have, however, been the subjects of several controversies. In order to understand NPD, the reader may find it helpful to have an outline of the different theories about narcissism in human beings, its relation to other psychiatric disorders, and its connections to the wider culture. NPD is unique among the DSM-IV-TRpersonality disorders in that it has been made into a symbol of the problems and discontents of contemporary Western culture as a whole.

Description

A good place to begin a discussion of the different theories about narcissism is with the observation that NPD exists as a diagnostic category only in DSM-IV-TR, which is an American diagnostic manual. The International Statistical Classification of Diseases and Related Health Problems, Tenth Revision (ICD-10, the European equivalent of DSM) lists only eight personality disorders. What DSM-IV-TRdefines as narcissistic personality disorder, ICD-10lumps together with "eccentric, impulsive-type, immature, passive-aggressive, and psychoneurotic personality disorders."

DSM-IV-TRspecifies nine diagnostic criteria for NPD. For the clinician to make the diagnosis, an individual must fit five or more of the following descriptions:

  • He or she has a grandiose sense of self-importance (exaggerates accomplishments and demands to be considered superior without real evidence of achievement).
  • He or she lives in a dream world of exceptional success, power, beauty, genius, or "perfect" love.
  • He or she thinks of him- or herself as "special" or privileged, and that he or she can only be understood by other special or high-status people.
  • He or she demands excessive amounts of praise or admiration from others.
  • He or she feels entitled to automatic deference, compliance, or favorable treatment from others.
  • He or she is exploitative towards others and takes advantage of them.
  • He or she lacks empathy and does not recognize or identify with others' feelings.
  • He or she is frequently envious of others or thinks that they are envious of him or her.
  • He or she "has an attitude" or frequently acts in haughty or arrogant ways.

In addition to these criteria, DSM-IV-TRgroups NPD together with three other personality disorders in its so-called Cluster B. These four disorders are grouped together on the basis of symptom similarities, insofar as patients with these disorders appear to others as overly emotional, unstable, or self-dramatizing. The other three disorders in Cluster B are antisocial, borderline, and histrionic personality disorders.

The DSM-IV-TRclustering system does not mean that all patients can be fitted neatly into one of the three clusters. It is possible for patients to have symptoms of more than one personality disorder or to have symptoms from different clusters. In addition, patients diagnosed with any personality disorder may also meet the criteria for mood, substance abuse, or other disorders.

Subtypes of NPD

AGE GROUP SUBTYPES. Ever since the 1950s, when psychiatrists began to notice an increase in the number of their patients that had narcissistic disorders, they have made attempts to define these disorders more precisely. NPD was introduced as a new diagnostic category in DSM-III, which was published in 1980. Prior to DSM-III, narcissism was a recognized phenomenon but not an official diagnosis. At that time, NPD was considered virtually untreatable because people who suffer from it rarely enter or remain in treatment; typically, they regard themselves as superior to their therapist, and they see their problems as caused by other people's "stupidity" or "lack of appreciation." More recently, however, some psychiatrists have proposed dividing narcissistic patients into two subcategories based roughly on age: those who suffer from the stable form of NPD described by DSM-IVTR, and younger adults whose narcissism is often corrected by life experiences.

This age group distinction represents an ongoing controversy about the nature of NPDwhether it is fundamentally a character disorder, or whether it is a matter of learned behavior that can be unlearned. Therapists who incline toward the first viewpoint are usually pessimistic about the results of treatment for patients with NPD.

PERSONALITY SUBTYPES. Other psychiatrists have noted that patients who meet the DSM-IV-TRcriteria for NPD reflect different clusters of traits within the DSM-IV-TRlist. One expert in the field of NPD has suggested the following subcategories of narcissistic personalities:

  • Craving narcissists. These are people who feel emotionally needy and undernourished, and may well appear clingy or demanding to those around them.
  • Paranoid narcissists. This type of narcissist feels intense contempt for him- or herself, but projects it outward onto others. Paranoid narcissists frequently drive other people away from them by hypercritical and jealous comments and behaviors.
  • Manipulative narcissists. These people enjoy "putting something over" on others, obtaining their feelings of superiority by lying to and manipulating them.
  • Phallic narcissists. Almost all narcissists in this subgroup are male. They tend to be aggressive, athletic, and exhibitionistic; they enjoy showing off their bodies, clothes, and overall "manliness."

Causes and symptoms

Causes

At present there are two major theories about the origin and nature of NPD. One theory regards NPD as a form of arrested psychological development while the other regards it as a young child's defense against psychological pain. The two perspectives have been identified with two major figures in psychoanalytic thought, Heinz Kohut and Otto Kernberg respectively.

Both theories about NPD go back to Sigmund Freud's pioneering work On Narcissism,published in1914. In this essay, Freud introduced a distinction which has been retained by almost all later writersnamely, the distinction between primary and secondary narcissism. Freud thought that all human infants pass through a phase of primary narcissism, in which they assume they are the center of their universe. This phase ends when the baby is forced by the realities of life to recognize that it does not control its parents (or other caregivers) but is in fact entirely dependent on them. In normal circumstances, the baby gives up its fantasy of being all-powerful and becomes emotionally attached to its parents rather than itself. What Freud defined as secondary narcissism is a pathological condition in which the infant does not invest its emotions in its parents but rather redirects them back to itself. He thought that secondary narcissism developed in what he termed the pre-Oedipal phase of childhood; that is, before the age of three. From a Freudian perspective, then, narcissistic disorders originate in very early childhood development, and this early origin is thought to explain why they are so difficult to treat in later life.

CAUSES IN THE FAMILY OF ORIGIN. Kohut and Kernberg agree with Freud in tracing the roots of NPD to disturbances in the patient's family of originspecifically, to problems in the parent-child relationship before the child turned three. Where they disagree is in their accounts of the nature of these problems. According to Kohut, the child grows out of primary narcissism through opportunities to be mirrored by (i.e., gain approval from) his or her parents and to idealize them, acquiring a more realistic sense of self and a set of personal ideals and values through these two processes. On the other hand, if the parents fail to provide appropriate opportunities for idealization and mirroring, the child remains "stuck" at a developmental stage in which his or her sense of self remains grandiose and unrealistic while at the same time he or she remains dependent on approval from others for self-esteem.

In contrast, Kernberg views NPD as rooted in the child's defense against a cold and unempathetic parent, usually the mother. Emotionally hungry and angry at the depriving parents, the child withdraws into a part of the self that the parents value, whether looks, intellectual ability, or some other skill or talent. This part of the self becomes hyperinflated and grandiose. Any perceived weaknesses are "split off" into a hidden part of the self. Splitting gives rise to a lifelong tendency to swing between extremes of grandiosity and feelings of emptiness and worthlessness.

In both accounts, the child emerges into adult life with a history of unsatisfactory relationships with others. The adult narcissist possesses a grandiose view of the self but has a conflict-ridden psychological dependence on others. At present, however, psychiatrists do not agree in their description of the central defect in NPD; some think that the problem is primarily emotional while others regard it as the result of distorted cognition, or knowing. Some maintain that the person with NPD has an "empty" or hungry sense of self while others argue that the narcissist has a "disorganized" self. Still others regard the core problem as the narcissist's inability to test reality and construct an accurate view of him- or herself.

MACROSOCIAL CAUSES. One dimension of NPD that must be taken into account is its social and historical context. Psychiatrists became interested in narcissism shortly after World War II (193945), when the older practitioners in the field noticed that their patient population had changed. Instead of seeing patients who suffered from obsessions and compulsions related to a harsh and punishing superego (the part of the psyche that internalizes the standards and moral demands of one's parents and culture), the psychiatrists were treating more patients with character disorders related to a weak sense of self. Instead of having a judgmental and overactive conscience, these patients had a weak or nonexistent code of morals. They were very different from the patients that Freud had treated, described, and analyzed. The younger generation of psychiatrists then began to interpret their patients' character disorders in terms of narcissism.

In the 1960s historians and social critics drew the attention of the general public to narcissism as a metaphorical description of Western culture in general. These writers saw several parallels between trends in the larger society and the personality traits of people diagnosed with narcissistic disorders. In short, they argued that the advanced industrial societies of Europe and the United States were contributing to the development of narcissistic disorders in individuals in a number of respects. Some of the trends they noted include the following:

  • The mass media's preoccupation with "lifestyles of the rich and famous" rather than with ordinary or average people.
  • Social approval of open displays of money, status, or accomplishments ("if you've got it, flaunt it") rather than modesty and self-restraint.
  • Preference for a leadership style that emphasizes the leader's outward appearance and personality rather than his or her inner beliefs and values.
  • The growth of large corporations and government bureaucracies that favor a managerial style based on "impression management" rather than objective measurements of performance.
  • Social trends that encourage parents to be self-centered and to resent their children's legitimate needs.
  • The weakening of churches, synagogues, and other religious or social institutions that traditionally helped children to see themselves as members of a community rather than as isolated individuals.

Although discussion continues about the location and forms of narcissism in the larger society, no one now denies that personality disorders both reflect and influence the culture in which they arise. Family therapists are now reporting on the treatment of families in which the children are replicating the narcissistic disorders of their parents.

Symptoms

Most observers regard grandiosity as the most important single trait of a narcissistic personality. It is important to note that grandiosity implies more than boasting or prideful display as suchit signifies self-aggrandizement that is not borne out by reality. For example, a person who claims that he or she was the most valuable player on a college athletic team may be telling the truth about their undergraduate sports record. Their claim may be bad manners but is not grandiosity. On the other hand, someone who makes the same claim but had an undistinguished record or never even made the team is being grandiose. Grandiosity in NPD is related to some of the diagnostic criteria listed by DSM-IV-TR, such as demanding special favors from others or choosing friends and associates on the basis of prestige and high status rather than personal qualities. In addition, grandiosity complicates diagnostic assessment of narcissists because it frequently leads to lying and misrepresentation of one's past history and present accomplishments.

Other symptoms of NPD include:

  • a history of intense but short-term relationships with others; inability to make or sustain genuinely intimate relationships
  • a tendency to be attracted to leadership or high-profile positions or occupations
  • a pattern of alternating between unrealistic idealization of others and equally unrealistic devaluation of them
  • assessment of others in terms of usefulness
  • a need to be the center of attention or admiration in a working group or social situation
  • hypersensitivity to criticism, however mild, or rejection from others
  • an unstable view of the self that fluctuates between extremes of self-praise and self-contempt
  • preoccupation with outward appearance, "image," or public opinion rather than inner reality
  • painful emotions based on shame (dislike of who one is) rather than guilt (regret for what one has done)

People diagnosed with NPD represent a range of levels of functioning. Otto Kernberg has described three levels of narcissistic impairment. At the top are those who are talented or gifted enough to attract all the admiration and attention that they want; these people may never enter therapy because they don't feel the need. On the second level are those who function satisfactorily in their jobs but seek professional help because they cannot form healthy relationships or because they feel generally bored and aimless. Narcissists on the lowest level have frequently been diagnosed with another mental disorder and/or have gotten into trouble with the law. They often have severe difficulties with anxiety and with controlling their impulses.

Demographics

DSM-IV-TRstates that 2% to 16% of the clinical population and slightly less than 1% of the general population of the United States suffers from NPD. Between 50% and 75% of those diagnosed with NPD are males. Little is known about the prevalence of NPD across racial and ethnic groups.

Gender issues

The high preponderance of male patients in studies of narcissism has prompted researchers to explore the effects of gender roles on this particular personality disorder. Some have speculated that the gender imbalance in NPD results from society's disapproval of self-centered and exploitative behavior in women, who are typically socialized to nurture, please, and generally focus their attention on others. Others have remarked that the imbalance is more apparent than real, and that it reflects a basically sexist definition of narcissism. These researchers suggest that definitions of the disorder should be rewritten in future editions of DSMto account for ways in which narcissistic personality traits manifest differently in men and in women.

Professional and leadership positions

One important aspect of NPD that should be noted is that it does not prevent people from occupying, as well as aspiring to, positions of power, wealth, and prestige. Many people with NPD, as Kernberg's classification makes clear, are sufficiently talented to secure the credentials of success. In addition, narcissists' preoccupation with a well-packaged exterior means that they often develop an attractive and persuasive social manner. Many high-functioning narcissists are well liked by casual acquaintances and business associates who never get close enough to notice the emptiness or anger underneath the polished surface.

Unfortunately, narcissists in positions of high visibility or powerparticularly in the so-called helping professions (medicine, education, and the ministry)often do great harm to others. In recent years a number of books and articles have been published within the religious, medical, and business communities regarding the problems caused by professionals with NPD. One psychiatrist noted in a lecture on substance abuse among physicians that NPD is one of the three most common psychiatric diagnoses among physicians in court-mandated substance abuse programs. A psychologist who serves as a consultant in the evaluation of seminary students and ordained clergy has remarked that the proportion of narcissists in the clergy has risen dramatically since the 1960s. Researchers in the field of business organization and management styles have compiled data on the human and economic costs of executives with undiagnosed NPD.

Diagnosis

The diagnosis of NPD is complicated by a number of factors.

Complications of diagnosis

NPD is difficult to diagnose for several reasons. First, some people with NPD function sufficiently well that they do not come to the attention of therapists. Second, narcissists are prone to lie about themselves; thus it may take a long time for a therapist to notice discrepancies between a patient's version of his or her life and information gained from others or from public records. Third, many traits and behaviors associated with NPD may be attributed to other mental disorders. Low functioning narcissists are often diagnosed as having borderline personality disorder(BPD), particularly if they are female; if they are male, they may be diagnosed as having antisocial personality disorder(ASPD). If the person with NPD has a substance abuse disorder, some of their narcissistic behaviors may be written off to the mood-altering substance. More recently, some psychiatrists have pointed to a tendency to confuse narcissistic behaviors in people with NPD who have had a traumatic experience with full-blown post-traumatic stress disorder(PTSD). Given the lack of clarity in the differential diagnosis of NPD, some therapists are calling for a fundamental revision of DSM-IV-TRdefinitions of the personality disorders.

An additional complication is posed by economic considerations. The coming of managed care has meant that third-party payers (insurance companies) prefer short-term psychotherapy that concentrates on a patient's acute problems rather than on underlying chronic issues. Since narcissists are reluctant to trust others or form genuine interpersonal bonds, there is a strong possibility that many therapists do not recognize NPD in patients that they are treating for only a few weeks or months.

Diagnostic interviews

Diagnosis of NPD is usually made on the basis of several sources of information: the patient's history and self-description, information from family members and others, and the results of diagnostic questionnaires. One questionnaire that is often used in the process of differential diagnosis is the Structured Clinical Interview for DSM-III-RDisorders, known as the SCID-II.

The most common diagnostic instrument used for narcissistic NPD is the Narcissistic Personality Inventory (NPI). First published by Robert R. Raskin and Calvin S. Hall in 1979, the NPI consists of 223 items consisting of paired statements, one reflecting narcissistic traits and the other nonnarcissistic. Subjects are required to choose one of the two items. The NPI is widely used in research as well as diagnostic assessment.

Treatments

Treatments for NPD include a variety of pharmacologic, individual, and group approaches; none, however, have been shown to be particularly effective as of 2002.

Medication

As of 2002, there are no medications that have been developed specifically for the treatment of NPD. Patients with NPD who are also depressed or anxious may be given drugs for relief of those symptoms. There are anecdotal reports in the medical literature that the selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors, or SSRIs, which are frequently prescribed for depression, reinforce narcissistic grandiosity and lack of empathy with others.

Psychotherapy

Several different approaches to individual therapy have been tried with NPD patients, ranging from classical psychoanalysis and Adlerian therapy to rationalemotive approaches and Gestalt therapy. The consensus that has emerged is that therapists should set modest goals for treatment with NPD patients. Most of them cannot form a sufficiently deep bond with a therapist to allow healing of early-childhood injuries. In addition, the tendency of these patients to criticize and devalue their therapists (as well as other authority figures) makes it difficult for therapists to work with them.

An additional factor that complicates psychotherapy with NPD patients is the lack of agreement among psychiatrists about the causes and course of the disorder. One researcher has commented that much more research is necessary to validate DSM-IV-TR's description of NPD before outcome studies can be done comparing different techniques of treatment.

Hospitalization

Low-functioning patients with NPD may require inpatient treatment, particularly those with severe self-harming behaviors or lack of impulse control. Hospital treatment, however, appears to be most helpful when it is focused on the immediate crisis and its symptoms rather than the patient's underlying long-term difficulties.

Prognosis

The prognosis for younger persons with narcissistic disorders is hopeful to the extent that the disturbances reflect a simple lack of life experience. The outlook for long-standing NPD, however, is largely negative. Some narcissists are able, particularly as they approach their midlife years, to accept their own limitations and those of others, to resolve their problems with envy, and to accept their own mortality. Most patients with NPD, on the other hand, become increasingly depressed as they grow older within a youth-oriented culture and lose their looks and overall vitality. The retirement years are especially painful for patients with NPD because they must yield their positions in the working world to the next generation. In addition, they do not have the network of intimate family ties and friendships that sustain most older people.

Prevention

The best hope for prevention of NPD lies with parents and other caregivers who are close to children during the early preschool years. Parents must be able to demonstrate empathy in their interactions with the child and with each other. They must also be able to show that they love their children for who they are, not for their appearance or their achievements. And they must focus their parenting efforts on meeting the child's changing needs as he or she matures, rather than demanding that the child meet their needs for status, comfort, or convenience.

Resources

BOOKS

American Psychiatric Association.Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders.4th edition, text revised. Washington, DC: American Psychiatric Association,2000.

Capps, Donald. The Depleted Self: Sin in a Narcissistic Age.Minneapolis: Fortress Press, 1993.

Donaldson-Pressman, Stephanie, and Robert M. Pressman. The Narcissistic Family: Diagnosis and Treatment.San Francisco, CA: Jossey-Bass Publishers, 1994.

Lowen, Alexander. Narcissism: Denial of the True Self.New York and London: Collier Macmillan, 1983.

Weiser, Conrad W. Healers Harmed & Harmful.Minneapolis: Fortress Press, 1994.

World Health Organization (WHO). The ICD-10 Classification of Mental and Behavioural Disorders. Geneva: WHO, 1992.

PERIODICALS

Billingham, Robert E. "Narcissistic Injury and Sexual Victimization Among Women College Students." College Student Journal33: 62-70.

Coid, J. W. "Aetiological Risk Factors for Personality Disorders." British Journal of Psychiatry174 (June 1999): 530-538.

Gunderson, J. G., and E. Ronningstam. "Differentiating Narcissistic and Antisocial Personality Disorders." Journal of Personality Disorders15 (April 2001): 103-109.

Imperio, Winnie Anne. "Don't Ignore Colleagues' Psychiatric Disorders." OB/GYN News (March 1, 2001): 36.

Raskin, R., and C. S. Hall. "A Narcissistic Personality Inventory.". Psychological Reports45 (1979): 590.

Simon, R. I. "Distinguishing Trauma-Associated Narcissistic Symptoms from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder: A Diagnostic Challenge." Harvard Review of Psychiatry10 (February 2002): 28-36.

Tschanz, Brian T. "Gender Differences in the Study of Narcissism: A Multi-Sample Analysis of the Narcissistic Personality Inventory." Sex Roles: A Journal of Research 38 (May, 1998): 209-216.

ORGANIZATIONS

American Psychiatric Association. 1400 K Street, NW, Washington, DC 20005. (202) 682-6220. <www.psych.org>.

National Institute of Mental Health. 6001 Executive Boulevard, Room 8184, MSC 9663, Bethesda, MD 20892-9663. (301) 443-4513. <www.nimh.nih.gov>.

OTHER

Rhodewalt, Frederick. "Interpersonal Self-Construction: Lessons from the Study of Narcissism." Lecture given at the Second Annual Sydney Symposium on Social Psychology, March 1999.

Rebecca J. Frey, Ph.D.

User Contributions:

The following comments are not guaranteed to be that of a trained medical professional. Please consult your physician for advice.

Report this comment as inappropriate
Jan 30, 2007 @ 11:11 am
I am the mother of a 42 year daughter whom I believe is suffering from NPD.  I was raised by a mother of whom I believe suffered the same...realizing that something was terribly wrong and after attempting suicide as a young adult...I sought counseling.  For the several years...I remained in therapy until I was released with a very favorable report.  I am trying to see what I may have done to contribute to my daughter's problem.  I have tried for years to get het to seek counselor...since she accepts no responsibility for her bad choices...and ALL is my fault, I just need to know how to deal with her.  Do you think I need to go back the therapy...or just continue to love her and pretty much respect the distance between us.
Report this comment as inappropriate
Jul 25, 2007 @ 11:11 am
Both my parents are Narcissis,  My father molested me and my sisters when we were little, as an adult I was rapped several times by my father.  His position within the gov. protects him from prosecution. How can I deal with this and survive as a normal human being?  I have been to counseling but my ins only allows 20 sess. a year and I finished for this year I am on medicaid and cannot afford any out of pocket expenses so my counselor gave me acsess to this site. Can any one out there relate amd help me?

                                thankyou,  Sandy
 
Narcissistic personality disorder forum

#5180 From: "Sam Vaknin author of \"Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited\"" <vaksam@...>
Date: Fri Nov 16, 2007 2:43 pm
Subject: Tyranny of Niceness
vaksammt
Send Email Send Email
 

 

Click on these links:

The Misanthropic Altruist

http://samvak.tripod.com/journal81.html

The Compulsive Giver

http://samvak.tripod.com/journal96.html

===================================
 
 
Tyranny of Niceness: A Psychotherapeutic Challenge
by Evelyn Sommers, PhD

For many people, niceness is the accepted way of being and interacting. In this article I express the view that rather than facilitating psychological and relational health, niceness stands in the way of personal satisfaction and healthy relating. This formulation of niceness in which I outline its inherent conflict with authenticity is useful for working with some people who present for psychotherapy with depression, anxiety, addictions and relationship difficulties, problems not typically associated with the tyranny of niceness.

From Niceness to Authenticity

Personal experiences often provide psychotherapists with insights that are useful in our work with clients. Such is the way my conceptualization of niceness got its start. There was a long period in my life when I accepted that I was a nice person. I had buried the more testy aspects of my personality, at least outside the privacy of my home; in the hope that I would be accepted by everyone I met. It didn’t work. After years of this behavior there were still people I was unable to win over with my smile and silence. Worse, I was losing the ability to express my thoughts and feelings. With increased frequency I began to experience anxiety before I spoke.

When I did speak, my words were often fueled by anger—appearing as irritation, sarcasm, impatience—that blanketed a fear of rejection.

My silence grew, as did my discomfort with the person I was becoming. There was a black hole in my existence, an interruption of my authenticity that manifested in a real disconnection between what I felt and thought and what I said. And the more I prevented myself from voicing my authentic thoughts and feelings the more I lost opportunities to hone the skills of honest, direct expression delivered in ways that are kind and respectful of the other person. When I did speak, my words were often fueled by anger—appearing as irritation, sarcasm, impatience—that blanketed a fear of rejection.

Through self-reflection and observations of others I made the connection between silencing/suppressing my authenticity and being nice. Later, I saw that the connection applied to many of my clients. I saw the same patterns: suppression of thoughts and feelings, deep wishes for acceptance with a concomitant fear of rejection or judgment, anxiety, depression, and erupting frustration. These features were bound together by guilt, shame and fear.

I have learned that degrees of niceness are not possible since silence does not exist in degrees, but this does not mean that rude and disrespectful behavior—which is what one may think is the only substitute for being nice—is acceptable.

To be nice is to silence aspects of one’s authenticity. Niceness means giving up honesty in relationships because entrenched fear of judgment or disapproval overrides the inclination to be forthright. The nice person speaks and acts in ways that he or she believes will guarantee approval or at least not elicit disapproval. I have learned that degrees of niceness are not possible since silence does not exist in degrees, but this does not mean that rude and disrespectful behavior—which is what one may think is the only substitute for being nice—is acceptable. On the contrary, openness and honesty delivered with respect and kindness is the healthy alternative to oppressive, silencing niceness.

How did we get to be so nice?

Children are not born nice. Far from it, infants are noisy and demanding. Children are taught to be nice as the way to get along with other people. The essence of niceness training is obedience to authority. The first teachers are parents but the message is supported and promoted by our educational and religious institutions, by our legal and medical systems, and by governments. Thus, niceness supports the status quo. This social organization may facilitate a subdued and acquiescent, if tightly wound, society where people are accepted for the face they present to the world, but compliance does not guarantee contentment, good relationships, empathy for other people or recognition of our individuality.

As parents are teaching niceness they do not always realize they are also teaching their children to silence their authentic thoughts and feelings.

In the interest of promoting niceness as a primary method of social interaction something is lost, and that is the expression of honest and authentic thoughts and feelings. As parents are teaching niceness they do not always realize they are also teaching their children to silence their authentic thoughts and feelings. In all likelihood they would be appalled at the idea that they were doing such a thing but at a loss to know how to change their methods.

A great deal of the niceness training occurs incidentally (I provide an example of this later in the article) but some is direct, a clear message: be a nice girl, be a good boy, share your toys (even though the children may not understand what it means to share), be seen and not heard, don’t cry, what will anyone think? When parents apply the teaching consciously, they regard it as a way of encouraging children to become cooperative adults. Their intentions are the best: they want their offspring to be accepted and since acceptance is a universal desire and need, this seems like a good idea. The difficulty arises in the tension that exists between our wishes both for acceptance and an appreciation of our differentness.

Niceness as a Diagnostic and Therapeutic Tool
Niceness is a language of apology and politeness, ubiquitous and therefore familiar, as is any social norm, and it is a powerful deterrent to authentic relating, a mechanism of distancing rather than connection.

At the simplest level of understanding, niceness is a way of silencing ourselves that keeps us out of touch with our authentic thoughts and feelings. When it is engaged as our way of relating to others it prevents us from speaking with openness and honesty, thus silencing our words or hampering our ability to act in our own best interests if that means possible conflict or disapproval. In order to spot the identifying features that signify deep disconnections that are typical of niceness one must understand the language of niceness. Niceness is a language of apology and politeness, ubiquitous and therefore familiar, as is any social norm, and it is a powerful deterrent to authentic relating, a mechanism of distancing rather than connection.

You may have already noticed the language or even the behavioral difficulties of niceness but had no framework for understanding its implications for your clients. Maybe you have a client who can’t say"no"or goes overboard to please people even when it is inconvenient or unnecessary. Maybe the client secretly fears the judgments of others and agrees with them rather than expressing an opinion that might be controversial. You might have noticed that in therapy the client seems too compliant, is too careful of your feelings, talks about parents who advocated that children be seen and not heard, or mouths clichés such as"you’ve got to keep a stiff upper lip."Maybe the client avoids confrontation and defers decision-making to others. Your client thinks these concessions are necessary to facilitate relationships. Your client wends his or her way through life feeling burdened by, but compliant with authority figures. He or she withholds honest expression for fear of offending anyone; then feels like a doormat.

In my private psychotherapy practice I have found that niceness is expressed, as well, through certain common interactions that function as a disguise covering up the inclination for self-silencing of authentic thoughts and feelings. These are the alarm bells that awaken the therapist to the presence of niceness:

  • False altruism: I didn’t want to hurt his feelings so I didn’t tell him I wanted to break up; I told her the dress looked nice rather than say what I really think.
  • Rationalizations: I knew my opinion wouldn’t make a difference anyway; somebody said it better than I could have.
  • Submissiveness: It was easier for me to just do it/agree/accept what was offered or proposed than to protest or disagree or ask for something else.
  • Over- or under-acceptance of responsibility: Doing too much or, in contrast, avoidance.
  • Self-disempowerment: He was good to me most of the time, between beatings, so I couldn’t leave.

When these hallmark behaviors appear in therapy it is a signal for you to probe more deeply, to first identify the behaviors such as false altruism that signal a problem, then identify the link between their silence, niceness and the relevant underlying emotions such as fear, shame or guilt. For example, in probing you might ask questions like these:

  • Why was it so important to avoid hurting another person’s feelings that you would be dishonest? Was there anything you feared for yourself if you told the truth?
  • Are there events in your past that have led you to believe your opinion would not have made a difference?
  • What do you think would happen if you were to protest?
  • What would happen if you left work for home at the time stated in your job contract?
  • What is the fear that keeps you from leaving your (abusive) relationship?

Delving into stories from the past in which the significant teachers of niceness are unearthed, whether they are specific people or incidents, can lead to a deeper understanding of the ways that particular aspects of relating came to be problematic for the client. A good example is Brad’s story.

Learning to be Nice: Brad’s Story

Niceness is taught both directly and indirectly. The inadvertent ways it is taught and, thus, the incidental ways it is learned are illustrated by the story of my client Brad.

Brad was in his mid-thirties and working in therapy to resolve a lifetime of pleasing people at great emotional costs to him. Initially, he presented in a deep depression after the woman he felt was the love of his life broke off their relationship. In the course of exploring his past, he told a story from his childhood that had etched itself into his psyche.

"I don’t like this book,"he declared. "The numbers make the pictures look bad." Upon hearing his words, his mother became upset, started to cry, and left the room. His father who had witnessed the scene scolded him.

One day, when he was five years old, his mother brought him a coloring book as a gift. Brad was thrilled until he opened it up and saw that it was a color-by-number book."I don’t like this book,"he declared."The numbers make the pictures look bad."Upon hearing his words, his mother became upset, started to cry, and left the room. His father who had witnessed the scene scolded him.

"Look what you’ve done now,"the father chided. Horrified, Brad picked up his crayons and began to color furiously. After a time his mother returned to the room.

"Look Mommy,"he said, holding his work up for her to see,"I really like this book now."

Brad’s devastation at his mother’s reaction was heightened by his father’s stern chiding. What could this little boy do to calm the powerful feelings of anxiety inside him but express the behavior that was so clearly expected? He colored in the book he did not like hoping that the terrible hurt he had inflicted on his mother would be relieved. He needed his mother and panicked when she left him in tears without reassuring him. He regretted that by telling her what he thought, he had hurt her and chased her out of the room where she was not available to him.

Brad had learned one lesson in being nice: to silence his opinion about gifts he received if he was not happy with them. At a deeper level, he learned that his words might chase away someone he needs and that he must suppress words he really means to keep the person with him. At the time of the incident Brad was too young to know that the problem was his parents', not his, and that his mother’s problems determined her reaction to Brad, as did his father’s. When Brad came for psychotherapy he still held the belief that he was the one who had been wrong—wrong to say what he really felt about the coloring book. That belief became generalized for Brad and still determined his response to situations that presented any threat of emotional abandonment.

In psychotherapy, this is the task of the therapist: to encourage the expression of thoughts and feelings without fear of recrimination or loss, and with appropriate, illuminating discussion to replace fear with the assurance that the client will continue to survive even when he or she expresses authentic thoughts and feelings.

Had Brad’s parents been more able, they would have encouraged him to express his preferences without fear of recrimination or losing them. In psychotherapy, this is the task of the therapist: to encourage the expression of thoughts and feelings without fear of recrimination or loss, and with appropriate, illuminating discussion to replace fear with the assurance that the client will continue to survive even when he or she expresses authentic thoughts and feelings. This discussion can proceed in a cognitive way, addressing mistaken beliefs of helplessness in adulthood that originated earlier in life, and identifying the resources now available to the client that were not available as a child when the disabling view was learned and entrenched. Of equal importance is the therapist’s ability to identify, contain and help dissipate the fear, shame and guilt that will emerge during the discussion.

With Brad I worked on dispelling his belief that his mother cried and left the room solely because of his comment. Even though, as an adult, he understood that his mother was troubled and that his comment was merely a catalyst, his childlike omnipotent belief that he was to blame was resilient and sprang into action unbidden at times of stress. His response was to be sure he did not repeat the type of event that had devastated him, inadvertently creating a new problem. Coupled with this was his enduring guilt at hurting his mother and his shame at needing her so much, replayed in his adult relationships. (This one incident was symbolic of other events and experiences in his life yet much emotion and pain had crystallized around this event.)

Often the adult manifestations of problems with niceness appear most painfully in intimate relationships. Brad told me about a weekend away with his lover Jane, with whom he began a relationship while in therapy, that describes this well. At her invitation he had flown to Washington where she had business. She had work to do but they planned to spend a full day together visiting the Smithsonian Institute during the weekend. By Sunday, the last day of their three-day weekend, they had spent almost no time together and Jane had another appointment that morning. As she left the hotel room she said she would be back in two hours and they would go then to the Smithsonian. Brad waited… and waited. He ate breakfast and read a newspaper in the hotel lobby. He ate lunch and continued to wait. Jane called after she’d been away three hours to say she’d be another half-hour.

The bellman and Brad were beginning to establish a relationship."Brad,"said the bellman,"you are one patient dude."

The bellman and Brad were beginning to establish a relationship."Brad,"said the bellman,"you are one patient dude."

An hour later Jane called saying, again, that she would be there in a half-hour. Brad weighed the possibility of going to the museum alone and meeting her there but the logistics seemed too complicated and he continued to wait. When Jane finally arrived there was no possibility of going to the museum because they had only two hours before heading to the airport. Jane was apologetic and Brad was forgiving but later that week he told her he felt he needed the freedom to see other women. As we explored the feelings he had as he waited for Jane that day Brad commented,"I’ve got to stop being Mr. Nice Guy. People just walk all over me. I should have gone on my own when she didn’t arrive at the time she originally promised."

Brad was full of anger at Jane but wanted to preserve the relationship and so he covered his anger by being silent. Unfortunately, his behavior did not achieve the intended goal. The relationship ended soon after this incident and Brad never told Jane that he was angry at her failure either to keep her promise to him or let him know that she could not keep her promise. If it had been the first time she had kept him waiting it may not have been so upsetting but this had been part of the pattern of their relationship. Brad could have released himself from the bondage of waiting had he not been such a"nice guy."It is worth noting that his niceness did not save the relationship. It is also worth noting that Jane made promises, called, and apologized. In this instance, at least, she wore a mask of niceness, too nice to admit she would not be available to him in a misguided attempt to avoid Brad’s judgment or be the one to disappoint.

The coloring book incident became a signifier of all that he shrouded with his niceness: the fear, anxiety and guilt, and the utter helplessness he felt when under threat.

In our discussions of the weekend and other incidents in his life I often referred to the coloring book incident to remind him of the fear that kept him hamstrung. It became clear that a layer of profound anxiety was activated in any situation that even hinted at the possibility of abandonment such as he experienced with his mother that day. I helped him find examples from his experiences that showed he was capable of understanding situations in different ways and that, no longer dependent on his parents for his survival, he had agency and choice to determine his own course in life. The coloring book incident became a signifier of all that he shrouded with his niceness: the fear, anxiety and guilt, and the utter helplessness he felt when under threat. It also became a marker by which he could remind himself of the emotional progress he had made as he learned to master difficult situations.

Brad’s is a powerful lesson in learning to be compliant with parent/authority figures and the impact on later relationships. But how powerful is niceness with its implicit obedience to external and internalized authority figures, really? Growing from childhood to adulthood we learn the lessons that turn us into people who have lost touch with what it means to live authentic lives and to relate with honesty. As adults, we call up niceness as needed, without conscious effort. We say or do the nice thing as if it were our nature to do so. The behavior—to silence our opinions, protests, and feelings and instead comply with the situational or internalized authority—is automatic.

Authority Pressure to Be Nice: Terry’s Story

Terry’s story is a good example of just how powerful this cultural silencing into social compliance can be. Terry, 43 years old, reinforced for me the power of the physicians’ words. She had been taking anti-depressant medication for a long time but felt ambivalent about it. She was also in psychotherapy, had made good progress with her depression and had been working on relationship issues that had troubled her for years. Even though she was feeling much better the physician who prescribed the medication advised her to continue with it through the winter and then return to him for advice about weaning off, a process that he said must be slow.

Three days before Christmas Terry ran out of the pills and did not renew the prescription. By Christmas Eve she was experiencing symptoms—heart palpitations and anxiety—and on Christmas Day she sought out a pharmacy hoping to get even one pill to carry her through to the next day when her usual pharmacy was open. The pharmacist she found cooperated and gave her a small supply of the medicine. Terry left the store, got into her car and swallowed a pill using saliva to wash it down. It was only halfway down her throat when her symptoms disappeared.

She told him her secret, a secret she held during their entire fifteen years of marriage that she had not wanted to be married but felt pressured to go through with the wedding.

Of course, it is not possible for such a pill to be effective so quickly, and Terry knew that. As we explored the possible reasons for her remarkable recovery she said it was her doctor’s words—his cautions about staying on the antidepressants over the winter and weaning off them gradually—that had the greatest impact on her. She believed she should not have disobeyed the doctor and her recovery was a direct result of re-compliance with his instructions, not of taking the pill. This phenomenon suggests that the symptoms were a product of her guilt about her disobedience. A short time after this event Terry decided to stop taking her medication and did so, at a slowed pace. The insight she gained gave her the strength to discuss difficult issues with her husband. She told him her secret, a secret she held during their entire fifteen years of marriage that she had not wanted to be married but felt pressured to go through with the wedding. When she risked talking with him about what she really felt, her deep shame and guilt lifted and she was able to begin moving forward in her life. Her marriage remained intact and her relationship with her husband improved. The strain of her long-harbored secret shame was gone and no longer distorted the relationship.

Terry's experience underscores what any good psychotherapist knows: that the words of an authority figure carry a lot of weight, for better or worse, for the people whose lives they touch. Because of their special position in our culture, physicians must speak with care and never underestimate the impact of their words on patients. The same applies to psychologists, psychotherapists, psychiatrists, counselors or anyone working with a vulnerable client. We need to be realistic about the power our positions hold in the minds of the people we treat, positional power that is deeply embedded in our social structure. In full awareness of this aspect of the professional-client relationship, we must practice with caution and compassion.

One of the most important things professionals can do is encourage their clients’ search for personal wisdom with words and actions to give them a forum for expression. For this to be possible we must always question the tacit messages we are sending. Clients who have experienced abuse as children are especially vulnerable in therapy and we must pay close attention to their responses to us whether they are compliant or reactive.

Dangers of Niceness: Lisa’s Story

Niceness creates difficulties relating in all kinds of relationships and the results can be profound and hurtful. Sometimes it puts people in dangerous situations, especially children.

Lisa, for example, was a thirty-eight year old professor when she first came to see me. She presented for psychotherapy when her mother’s illness and death left her in a deep depression. As we worked through her grief it became clear that its depth had been exacerbated by events that had taken place much earlier. Her mother’s death brought her face-to-face with a problem that had long been buried in the person of her stepfather, who survived her mother. Her parents separated when she was four years old and her mother married another man soon afterwards. This man, Mr. P., was the one she knew as her father because her biological father was not a participant in her life. Her mother and stepfather had had a difficult marriage beset by several separations. During one of these separations, when she was about twelve years old, her stepfather negotiated with her mother to have Lisa stay with him for a weekend at his cabin in the north. Lisa did not hesitate because she had spent some good times with him. Preparing for bed the first night of the weekend she noticed that Mr. P. had made up a bed only in the main bedroom.

"Where am I going to sleep?"she asked him.

"Right here,"came the reply. He patted the bed. Lisa was startled. She was bothered by the thought that she would be sleeping in the same bed with him. Yet Mr. P. was the only father she had known and she trusted him. He had taught her to ride her bicycle, stayed with her when her mother was working, cooked for her, helped her with her homework and sometimes cuddled with her. All the same, she felt uncomfortable with the sleeping arrangement.

As a twelve year old adolescent, Lisa was obedient to the authorities in her life. That night at the cabin she did what she was taught to do: She remained quiet rather than question Mr. P. or insist on sleeping in another room by herself. She climbed into bed with him despite her feeling that something was not right about the arrangement. That night, he molested her.

When children are being nice they are attempting to keep themselves safe by pleasing others—in most cases the adults or older children in authority. They are remaining obedient, as they have been taught. When children who are most affected by the oppressiveness of niceness find themselves in situations such as Lisa's they are unable to protect themselves because the mechanisms of protection have been distorted by the message of niceness. Their ability to act on the feelings they experience when something seems wrong has been impaired because those feelings have been overridden by messages of propriety. Acting on their own initiative when it is in conflict with the authorities in their lives has never been encouraged. They either fear disciplinary action or, like Brad with his coloring book, are afraid they'll hurt their parents' feelings and risk their disapproval or abandonment.

When we teach children to be nice or, more precisely, when we teach children to substitute obedience and niceness for their own intuitive wisdom we render them incapable of trusting their sense of danger in situations where they may need to run from exploiters wearing masks, often personae that mimic niceness. The sexual abuse that has been exposed in recent years bears horrifying witness to this truth. Boys have been unable to tattle on the helpful and befriending coach at the hockey arena who molested them. Indeed, the word tattletale is meant to silence. Hundreds of children have been molested by priests whom they were taught to respect and obey. It is a feat that very few children can accomplish: to protect themselves when the natural inclination to detect danger and act on that inclination has been socialized out of them. This is especially true when danger comes in the form of either a friendly or an authoritarian adult.

For Lisa, exploring widely in the wake of her mother’s death led to her disclosure of sexual abuse and the profound impact of niceness in her life. I helped her make links between the abuse and her current relationship, and that which she had never faced, her difficulty accepting that the man she wanted to marry might very well be trustworthy. Previously, she had unnecessarily found many reasons to distance herself from him, including her bereavement. Also, Lisa was often inhibited and, in particular, found directness on a personal level more difficult. She made jokes to cover her anxiety and was quick to tears. Working with her on understanding the impact of her past and its impact on her present life allowed her to be more assertive and direct in standing up for herself and getting her needs met in a healthy way.

Using the Concept of Niceness in Psychotherapy

Many nice people who present themselves in therapy do not know that niceness is a problem. They tell the therapist about their partners, about being anxious or depressed or unable to control their tempers with their spouses, about stress-related health problems, about their addictions to substances or electronic diversions, and they talk about other self-soothing ways that dominate their private lives. Even though they may give lip service to authenticity, they do not realize what it means to be out of touch, to be inauthentic. They are unaware of the behaviors that keep them distanced from their loved ones: the refusal to admit feelings, to ask hard questions or simply be transparent and honest. They do not grasp the depth and breadth of the effect on them of being nice and expecting the niceness of others, that is, being inauthentic and expecting—even tacitly encouraging—the inauthenticity of others.

They have never thought that being nice was anything but beneficial even though from time to time they may blurt out,"I’ve got to stop being so nice!"They do not recognize the links between niceness and shame, guilt and fear. Niceness, when introduced to them may seem like a trite concept, but as the layers are explored that misconception is dashed.

As a result of the training to be nice and concomitant lack of training to express difficult thoughts and feelings, people suppress and endure, often with serious impact on their health and relationships. If they release the resulting pressure it is often away from the eyes of those with whom they feel most vulnerable. For some this will mean hiding true feelings from a romantic partner, for others it may mean pleasing an employer beyond reasonable expectations, or it may mean shallow relationships with parents, siblings, or friends. They may release the resulting tension in intermittent angry explosions, and abrupt shifts of mood or sarcasm with deleterious impact on relationships and self-esteem.

In hindsight Brad knew what he had to do that day in Washington, to avoid falling into the trap of silencing his needs. He had to act on his sense of what was right in the situation, which was to go ahead to the museum on his own. Instead, he silenced himself by failing to act. As it happens so often, in that moment he was emotionally the child again, caught up in his fear that he would lose someone important to him. As we talked it was clear he knew what he could have done, to simply tell Jane he would go on his own if she was delayed and meet him there if she could. I asked what prevented him from acting in his own best interests, but he was mystified. I reminded him of the words he had uttered several times in sessions,"I’ve got to stop being Mr. Nice Guy."He’d spoken the words but thrown away the insight, like an actor flubbing his best lines. He was, at that time, too nice to act from his inner wisdom so he silenced his wishes and his intuitive sense of what was right for him. But that didn’t stop the anger that continued to bubble and fester beneath the surface compliance. His anger was more acceptable than the shame he endured for feeling so needy and helpless that day.

Brad’s dilemma illuminates the aspect of character development that must be supported in therapy if clients are to give up niceness and become more authentic in their relationships. They must be helped to find their own wisdom and then supported to accept, trust and act on it despite their fears of disapproval, rejection or abandonment, or the guilt and self-hatred they have accumulated as they have yielded their lives to niceness. They must be helped through the intense anxiety that accompanies new, risk-taking behavior that touches on a deep human fear—isolation.

One way to assist clients’ progress is to identify an occasion when they did act on their inner wisdom, and ask them to describe the event in full detail, focusing on the emotions that accompanied it.

One way to assist clients’ progress is to identify an occasion when they did act on their inner wisdom, and ask them to describe the event in full detail, focusing on the emotions that accompanied it. They will very likely talk about anxiety and fear occurring at the onset of the event and a sense of calm or even slight euphoria at its completion. These emotions and the progress through them can be conceptualized as a memory template to be applied to new situations in order to mitigate regression into niceness and facilitate movement into more authentic behavior. The therapist can encourage the client to remember the event and the progress through it when he or she feels paralyzed in new, threatening situations, cautioning that the hoped-for change may require many attempts.

Near panic sets in at the thought of being honest because they cannot perceive of a way of being honest yet kind.

Nice children grow into adults who share a serious deficit—no language for the honest expression of thought in a way that others can receive. As a small test, try helping a client express an honest reaction to a partner’s request for a comment on a less-than-flattering new garment. More often than not, I have watched as beads of sweat form, hands flail or are wrung, bodies shift in the chair and gasps of frustration emanate from their wordless mouths, capped with the comment"this is really hard."Near panic sets in at the thought of being honest because they cannot perceive of a way of being honest yet kind. Beneath the altruistic responses they often fear being seen as too critical or rude. Emotionally they feel they are destroying someone close to them, whose presence they need if only to maintain their own sense of being accepted. Although everyone makes judgments, large and small all the time, people feel they are"judging"and that they are disentitled to do so because they fear being isolated and judged themselves.

A great deal of anxiety accompanies attempts to express unsayable but honest thoughts and feelings. This is to be expected, so the psychotherapist can be prepared for it and offer empathic support for any attempt the client makes. The therapist can normalize the anxiety as something that occurs any time we undertake to change some familiar part of ourselves, especially when change involves interactions with other people or the forfeiting of some comfort-giving, though debilitating, behavior.

The therapist might ask the client for examples when the client was able to be successful with a new behavior. Extrapolating from those, the therapist can offer and explore examples of sentences that might be used, as if the client is learning a new language, checking to be sure the client can imagine himself saying the words. Together therapist and client can create a language of honesty and authenticity that is delivered with kindness. So, rather than say"that’s nice"because he doesn’t want to say what he thinks--that his partner looks fat in her new dress--the client can try a new approach. He might think about a conversation he’s overheard in which someone else was honestly expressing a critique that was well received. He can attempt to understand the tone that was used and the phrasing. He may practice saying, with a kind tone, things like"I think the dress is a good color for you (if it is) but the cut is not so flattering."

As part of this process, the client must be helped to get a clear understanding of his own feelings, to explore his own reactions to critiques, his feelings of attraction to his partner especially if they have changed, and any other feelings he may bring to such a situation. Ultimately, he may not say exactly what the partner expects to hear but she will know she can depend on him to say what he means (and it may validate what she secretly thinks). Through this process in therapy he will understand much better the extent to which he has silenced himself and the fear and anxiety that have contributed to the silence, and he will become more comfortable putting authentic words into his own mouth.

In summary, the psychotherapist uses the following types of interventions, bearing in mind the need to be a gentle but appropriately challenging and authentic presence.

  • Notice the alarm behaviors alerting to the presence of niceness and its silencing.
  • Explore feelings that underlie the silencing.
  • Delve into the history to identify the events and messages that promoted niceness.
  • Find optional ways of relating that express an authentic position. Using specific situations, identify client strengths and previous success stories.
  • Practice new ways—new language--for expressing the authentic position.
Niceness Fails to Live Up to its Reputation

Children are dependent on adults in their lives for their survival. They have been taught that pleasing adults is important and that displeasing adults brings unpleasant consequences. As therapists we can help clients who retain and act from this fear to learn to say"no,"something that is often discouraged in childhood. With the therapist’s help, clients can learn to honor their own internal—not internalized and feared—authority. Sometimes that means clients will need support to say"no"to the therapist.

Niceness fails to live up to its reputation. It does not make relationships easier, does not guarantee a stamp of approval nor improve the quality of life.

Niceness fails to live up to its reputation. It does not make relationships easier, does not guarantee a stamp of approval nor improve the quality of life. On the contrary, niceness often causes confusion in relationships because of the dishonesty implicit in suppressing one’s authentic thoughts and feelings. Being nice increases one’s sense of alienation from oneself, by far the harshest consequence of all. Niceness detracts from one’s quality of life by contributing to health and addiction problems that are an outgrowth of stressful internal conflicts. In contrast, any difficulties that occur in achieving the essential honesty of authentic acts and speech are overridden by the internal calm that prevails in its wake.

At the same time, moving out of niceness into authenticity can provoke anxiety, especially before the first benefits have been savored. Attempts by clients to accomplish this change are to be honored. It is a pleasure to witness them moving on in their lives as they stop second-guessing themselves, as they rid themselves of debilitating fear, shame and guilt, and start living openly and with dignity.

When Psychotherapists become Nice!

Finally, I have a caveat. Therapists may realize that they are nice and that niceness is adaptive in their work. It is a requirement of the work that we exercise appropriate caution in making our responses and we are accustomed to withholding our thoughts and opinions as we weigh what is best for our clients. It may also be the case that if a therapist is too cautious it will be perceived that holding back is a good thing to do despite our words to the contrary. Therapists and clients can benefit if the therapist, acting authentically, can be spontaneous and expressive within appropriate therapeutic boundaries.

Never underestimate the impact of the cultural silencing that is niceness on the well-being of your clients. Be aware that its tentacles move insidiously into health and relationships and squeeze out authenticity. The acceptance and encouragement of niceness as a vehicle for relating renders it more destructive than you might imagine. Be aware and resist perpetuating it as you support clients to relate in honest, authentic and meaningful ways that will serve their relationships and themselves well.



Copyright © 2007 Psychotherapy.net. All rights reserved. Published April, 2007.


About Evelyn Sommers, PhD
Taking a giant leap out of niceness and into authenticity at the age of 40, Evelyn Sommers left her twenty-year marriage and entered graduate school. She completed her PhD in Applied Psychology at the University of Toronto, accumulating experience in challenging internships in a hospital crisis unit and "doing time" at a women’s prison where she completed her doctoral research. Work in a variety of occupations prior to graduate school—teaching, business, and social assistance, as well as parenting—enriches her ability to relate to clients. She is a psychotherapist in private practice in Toronto, Canada, and is the author of two books, The Tyranny of Niceness: Unmasking the Need for Approval (Dundurn Press, 2005) and Voices From Within: Women Who Have Broken the Law (University of Toronto Press, 1995). Dr. Sommers can be reached through her website at www.ekslibris.ca.
 

"We cease loving ourselves if no one loves us."



#5181 From: "Sam Vaknin author of \"Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited\"" <vaksam@...>
Date: Fri Nov 16, 2007 2:46 pm
Subject: Impaired emotional processing affects moral judgements
vaksammt
Send Email Send Email
 

Also read these - click on the links:
 
 
========================================

 

Impaired emotional processing affects moral judgements

  • 13:07 22 March 2007
  • NewScientist.com news service
  • Roxanne Khamsi
Related Articles

Mr Spock, the fictional Vulcan famously logical and lacking in emotion, sacrificed himself for his comrades in the movie Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan with the following words to Captain Kirk: "The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few, or the one"

Now, revealing new research shows that people with damage to a key emotion-processing region of the brain also make moral decisions based on the greater good of the community, unclouded by concerns over harming an individual.

It is the first study to demonstrate how emotion impacts moral judgement and sheds light on why people often act out of respect for an individual rather than choosing to act in a more logical, utilitarian way. The findings could cause a rethink in how society determines a "moral good", and challenge the 18th-century philosophies of Immanuel Kant and David Hume.

Antonio Damasio at the University of Southern California in Los Angeles, US, and colleagues recruited 30 people for their experiment. Six of the subjects had suffered damage to a region in the front of the brain known as the ventromedial prefrontal cortex (VMPC), which regulates emotions. The participants had this brain injury as a result of an aneurism or tumour growth in the VMPC region.

Twelve participants in the study had damage to other parts of the brain but not the VMPC. And the remaining 12 subjects had no brain injury whatsoever.

"Utilitarian" action

The researchers presented participants with various scenarios (scroll to the bottom for several examples) and asked them to make decisions based on the information provided. Some of the situations involved moral decision-making. For example, subjects had to say whether they would throw a person in front of a train if doing so would stop the train from barrelling into five workmen, killing all five.

In such a situation, most people would find it morally unacceptable to push someone to his or her death even if doing so would save the lives of others. And this was the reaction of the healthy participants or those that had injury to brain regions excluding the VMPC. But people with damage to the VMPC showed a willingness to take this type of "utilitarian" action.

"You have one group that is ready to endorse what we would regard as an overly utilitarian judgment and the other far less" willing to do so, explains Damasio. He notes that the patients with VMPC damage generally made the same decisions as their control counterparts when it came to non-moral scenarios.

Subtle scenarios

Notably, people with VMPC damage were just as likely as their counterparts to endorse "impersonal" moral decisions that involved indirectly putting strangers at risk for the greater good. These impersonal moral scenarios involved, for example, encouraging the use of a vaccine that would protect the public but cause an adverse reaction in a few individuals.

These results suggest that emotions play a crucial role in moral decisions involving personal contact but not in moral judgments involving distant, indirect impacts on other people. "What's beautiful to me is how subtly different the situations are," says Marc Hauser at Harvard University in Cambridge, Massachusetts, US, one of the researchers involved.

The finding that some moral judgments involve emotions while others do not supports the supposedly diametrically opposed thinking of philosophers Immanuel Kant and David Hume.

"It means both Kant and Hume are right. Philosophers will have a fit because they like to choose sides," says Frans de Waal at Emory University in Atlanta, Georgia, US. Hume believed that people could be motivated to make proper moral decisions based on their sympathy for others. Kant, meanwhile, warned that moral judgments might be corrupted by emotions.

Personal dignity

Philip Kitcher, who teaches philosophy at Columbia University in New York, US, notes that the study of brain damaged individuals presents a unique challenge to Kant's philosophy. While Kant cautioned against the corruptive influence of emotions, he also argued that individuals have personal dignity, which must be respected.

Yet in the new study, subjects who had impaired emotion processing due to VPMC damage showed the least concern for individual dignity in the personal moral dilemmas that involved directly harming another person to save others. This provides strong biological evidence that emotions enable us to respect individual dignity, says Kitcher.

"Emotions are an anchor for our moral systems. If you remove that anchor you can end up anywhere," says de Waal.

Examples of scenarios used in the experiment:

Non-Moral Scenario: Investment Offer

You are at home one day when the mail arrives. You receive a letter from a reputable corporation that provides financial services. They have invited you to invest in a mutual fund, beginning with an initial investment of one thousand dollars.

As it happens, you are familiar with this particular mutual fund. It has not performed very well over the past few years, and, based on what you know, there is no reason to think that it will perform any better in the future.

Would you invest a thousand dollars in this mutual fund in order to make money?

Impersonal Moral Scenario: Standard Trolley

You are at the wheel of a runaway trolley quickly approaching a fork in the tracks. On the tracks extending to the left is a group of five railway workmen. On the tracks extending to the right is a single railway workman.

If you do nothing the trolley will proceed to the left, causing the deaths of the five workmen. The only way to avoid the deaths of these workmen is to hit a switch on your dashboard that will cause the trolley to proceed to the right, causing the death of the single workman.

Would you hit the switch in order to avoid the deaths of the five workmen?

Personal Moral Scenario: Submarine

You are the captain of a military submarine travelling underneath a large iceberg. An onboard explosion has caused you to lose most of your oxygen supply and has injured one of your crew who is quickly losing blood. The injured crew member is going to die from his wounds no matter what happens.

The remaining oxygen is not sufficient for the entire crew to make it to the surface. The only way to save the other crew members is to shoot dead the injured crew member so that there will be just enough oxygen for the rest of the crew to survive.

Would you kill the fatally injured crew member in order to save the lives of the remaining crew members?

Personal Moral Scenario: Infection

Someone you know has AIDS and plans to infect others, some of whom will die. Your only options are to let it happen or to kill the person.

Do you pull the trigger?

Journal reference: Nature (DOI: 10.1038/nature05631)


#5182 From: "Sam Vaknin author of \"Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited\"" <vaksam@...>
Date: Mon Nov 19, 2007 10:27 am
Subject: SAM'S DAILY LINK The Hateful Patient - Difficult Patients in Psychotherapy
vaksammt
Send Email Send Email
 
In 1978, a medical doctor by the name of J.E. Groves published in the
prestigious New England Journal of Medicine an article titled "Taking Care
of the Hateful Patient". In it he admitted that patients with personality
disorders often evoke in their physicians dislike or even outright hatred.

Groves described four types of such undesirable patients: "dependent
clingers" (codependents), "entitled demanders" (narcissists and
borderlines), "manipulative help rejectors" (typically psychopaths and
paranoids, borderlines and negativistic passive-aggressives), and
"self-destructive deniers" (schizoids and schizotypals, for instance, or
histrionics and borderlines).

Continue to read this article here (click on this link):

http://samvak.tripod.com/personalitydisorders44.html

The article you just read is part of my book, "Malignant Self Love -
Narcissism Revisited" (January 2007)

You can buy the EIGHTH PRINT edition of "Malignant Self Love - Narcissism
Revisited" (January 2007) from Barnes and Noble (the cheapest - but does
not include the bonus pack):

http://search.barnesandnoble.com/bookSearch/isbnInquiry.asp?r=1&ISBN=97880238338\
43

(Or, click on this link - http://www.bn.com - and search for "Sam Vaknin" or
"Malignant Self Love").

Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited (PRINT edition)  is now available
from Amazon Canada (no bonus pack):

http://www.amazon.ca/exec/obidos/tg/detail/offer-listing/-/8023833847/new/

And from Amazon.com (no bonus pack):

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/8023833847/

Buy the PRINT book from the publisher (sixth edition, more expensive, but
includes a bonus pack):

More information about the book:

http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/thebook.html

To purchase - click on this link:

http://www.ccnow.com/cgi-local/cart.cgi?vaksam_MSL

ELECTRONIC BOOKS (computer files)

Buy EIGHT electronic books about narcissism and abusive relationships - for
the price of ONE print book!

To purchase the Narcissism Series of e-books - click on these links:

"The Narcissism Series" (November 2006)

Eight e-books regarding Pathological Narcissism, relationships with abusive
narcissists, and the Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).

http://www.ccnow.com/cgi-local/cart.cgi?vaksam_SERIES

You can also purchase the books comprising the Narcissism Series separately:

I. NEW!!! "Abusive Relationships WORKBOOK" (February 2006)

http://www.ccnow.com/cgi-local/cart.cgi?vaksam_WORKBOOK

II. NEW!!! "Toxic Relationships - Abuse and its Aftermath" (February 2006)

http://www.ccnow.com/cgi-local/cart.cgi?vaksam_ABUSE

III. "The Narcissist and Psychopath in the Workplace" (September 2006)

http://www.ccnow.com/cgi-local/cart.cgi?vaksam_WORKPLACE

IV. "Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited" - EIGHTH, Revised Edition
(November 2006)

http://www.ccnow.com/cgi-local/cart.cgi?vaksam_MSL-EBOOK

V. "Pathological Narcissism FAQs" (November 2006)

http://www.ccnow.com/cgi-local/cart.cgi?vaksam_FAQS

VI. "The World of the Narcissist" (November 2006)

http://www.ccnow.com/cgi-local/cart.cgi?vaksam_ESSAY

VII. "Excerpts from the Archives of the Narcissism List"

http://www.ccnow.com/cgi-local/cart.cgi?vaksam_EXCERPTS

VIII. "Diary of a Narcissist" (November 2005)

http://www.ccnow.com/cgi-local/cart.cgi?vaksam_JOURNAL

Malignant Self Love, Toxic Relationships - and MORE!!!

http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/thebook.html

Free excerpts from the EIGHTH, Revised Impression of "Malignant Self Love -
Narcissism Revisited" are available as well as a NEW EDITION of the
Narcissism Book of Quotes.

Click on this link to download the files:

http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/freebooks.html

Take care there.

Sam

#5183 From: "Sam Vaknin author of \"Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited\"" <vaksam@...>
Date: Mon Nov 19, 2007 10:30 am
Subject: Look at Me, World!
vaksammt
Send Email Send Email
 

 
==================================
 
Art

Look at Me, World! Self-Portraits Morph Into Internet Movies

Ahree Lees me."

Published: March 18, 2007

NOAH KALINA flew to Switzerland last month to attend the opening of Were All Photographers Now, an exhibition at the Muse de lElyse in Lausanne. The show is a survey of trends in digital photography, particularly portraiture, and Mr. Kalina produced its foremost example of how technology is changing the genre. His globally popular video everyday is composed of 2,356 daily self-portraits shot from Jan. 11, 2000, to July 31, 2006.

Skip to next paragraph

Noah Kalinas everyday, a video compilation of more than 2,000 self-portraits. It was inspired in part by a Ms. Lee's project.

Mr. Kalina, 26, lives in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, and earns his living photographing the interiors of Manhattan bars and restaurants. Ever since he posted everyday to YouTube in August, this six-minute film has generated a low-level conversation in photographic circles about its artistic merits.

But what makes everyday truly exceptional is how easy it was to make and how quickly it attracted a huge audience, said William A. Ewing, director of the Muse de lElyse, who selected it for the exhibition.

Noahs video represents a phenomenal amplification not just in what he produced and how he did it, but how many people the piece touched in such a short period of time, said Mr. Ewing, the author of Face: The New Photographic Portrait (Thames & Hudson). There is nothing comparable in the history of photography.

Digital technology, computers, software and the Internet multiply the number of people with access to taking and viewing pictures, he added. Once you buy the camera, there are almost no other costs. That is increasing the variety and creativity in how people take pictures, and what they do with them.

Were All Photographers Now (www.allphotographersnow.ch) continues through May 30.

Mr. Kalina, like other photographers in the show, many of them amateurs, used a combination of digital tools and technical know-how that has become routine for his generation. By adroitly joining digital still photography, computer software and the Internet, he turned a student art project characterized principally by self-absorption into a global phenomenon.

Everyday succeeds in large part because it adheres to all three of the new principles of digital media, said Jonathan Lipkin, a professor of digital media at Ramapo College in New Jersey and the author of Photography Reborn (Abrams).

The hallmarks of the new age of digital imagery are distribution, combination and manipulation, Mr. Lipkin said. The use of digital technology is especially revealing in portraiture. The digital camera has changed the genre. Before now it was just about impossible to do what Noah Kalina has done.

Just one facet of the film project took real devotion: Mr. Kalinas daily routine of snapping his own picture for nearly six years. The other part transforming portraits that individually had attracted no attention into a film that is riveting was almost too easy.

One afternoon in late August, prompted by a similar film of time-lapse portraiture made that month by the California graphic designer Ahree Lee, Mr. Kalina collected the digital self- portraits he had taken since he was a 19-year-old student at the School of Visual Arts in New York. He downloaded them into the Windows Movie Maker software program on his desktop computer, spaced the portraits at an interval of six images per second, set the film to a shadowy and insistent piano soundtrack (composed and performed by Carly Comando, his girlfriend at the time) and wrote the credits and title.

Making the film took four hours. Thats all. Then Mr. Kalina, like millions of others of his generation for whom stylized digital self-portraits are an important personal message and a form of self-actualization, posted it on Aug. 28 to YouTube. (It can also be found on noahkalina.com.) The response, he said, was instantaneous and unnerving. Thousands of young people, who regard the Internet as a vast digital campfire, found everyday, shared links with their friends and built an audience that has reached 5.3 million and is growing by 10,000 per day.

Until that moment it was always a still-photography project, Mr. Kalina said. A friend suggested that it could be a movie. I was never convinced it would really work until I saw Ahree Lees movie. Now theres a whole group of people making these kind of films and posting them on the Internet.

One of the distinguishing characteristics of the new age of digital portraiture is the ease with which photographers, professional or amateur, can so easily produce images, videos, sequences and other projects that are dramatic, fresh and interesting. Digital technology has changed what portraits look like, Mr. Lipkin said. If you pay attention to Facebook, MySpace, Flickr and the other social Internet sites, you see right away how stylized the portraits are. How they are taken from odd angles and with interesting lighting. Its the angle of the hand-held digital camera.

Jonathan Keller, a 31-year-old multimedia graphic artist studying at the Cranbrook Academy of Art outside Detroit, turned eight years of daily self-portraits into a video titled Living My Life Faster and posted it to his Web site (c71123.com/daily_photo). But his more significant contribution to the new form is his online archive of what he calls passage of time and obsessive photo projects.

Among the 40 projects on the site is Ms. Lees me, composed of more than 1,000 self-portraits taken from November 2001 to November 2004 and regarded as the first digital video portrait. Ms. Lee said she used a Nikon digital camera that had a flip screen so she could see herself while snapping the image. She used Photoshop software to align her eyes and After Effects software to create the animation. It took her 200 to 300 hours, she said, and on Aug. 8 me was posted on AtomFilms (me.atomfilms.com), an Internet site for independent filmmakers. She also posted it on YouTube, where it has attracted more than three million viewers.

It would be possible to do this without digital technology, but it would be so much more difficult and expensive, said Ms. Lee, 35, who lives in San Francisco (ahreelee.com). If you use a film camera, you would have to buy rolls of film and get them processed, and do whatever you would need to do and I dont know what that is to turn it into a film.

Whether me or everyday or any of the other projects archived on Mr. Kellers site qualify as art is in dispute in some quarters of the photography world. Richard Benson, a photographer, printer and professor of photography at Yale University since 1979, called them a complete waste of time.

They are people who dont know what they are doing and who celebrate themselves, Mr. Benson said. I find it completely boring.

But Mr. Ewing and Mr. Lipkin say such views may reflect generational insecurity, prompted by the old-guard notion that good work that isnt laborious isnt worth much. Mr. Kalinas everyday is a dramatic challenge to those conventions, Mr. Ewing said, because it breaks barriers, has helped to establish a new form of portraiture and sets a new standard of audience interest.

Mr. Kalinas instinct for narrative makes the film work. The background is the room in which hes living at the time. It changes episodically, producing visual interest and adding information. Ms. Comandos soundtrack, which she now sells on the Internet, is appropriately portentous. Mr. Kalina doesnt age, though at times he looks worn, and his haircut evolves through phases of short, long and unkempt. His gaze also doesnt waver.

He hypnotizes you with those eyes, Mr. Ewing said. The changing background and the changing hairstyle enhances a frenetic pace, the feeling of hurtling through space. But there is also a sense of a kind of dispassionate distance, the feeling of being the observer. Unlike a single digital image, the kind that appears on Flickr, in this film there is a sense of rapidity and infinite possibility.

Its a remarkable piece, Mr. Ewing continued. Thats why we ask in our show: Is this a revolution or just an evolution? The answer is its a revolution.


#5184 From: "Sam Vaknin author of \"Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited\"" <vaksam@...>
Date: Tue Nov 20, 2007 12:45 pm
Subject: A Ministers Public Lesson on Domestic Violence
vaksammt
Send Email Send Email
 

Everything you need to know about domestic violence and abuse in intimate relationships - click on these links:
 
 
 
Scroll to the bottom for tips and advice on how to cope with abusers, batterers, stalkers, bullies and worse!
 
=====================================
 
A Ministers Public Lesson on Domestic Violence
James Emilien/TCM Photography

Juanita Bynum, left, is divorcing Bishop Thomas Weeks III.

Published: September 20, 2007

ATLANTA, Sept. 19 The attack in a hotel parking lot here last month was remarkable not only because the victim, Juanita Bynum, is the most prominent black female television evangelist in the country, who is pals with Oprah, admired by Aretha, and who recently signed on to campaign for Obama.

Skip to next paragraph
Chris Rank for the New York Times

Mr. Weeks held a news briefing to respond to assault charges.

It was shocking, especially to legions of women who had latched onto her message that only chastity and self-respect would bring true love, because the attacker who choked, stomped and kicked her, Ms. Bynum said, was her husband.

The episode has led to debate about domestic violence and how churches, particularly black churches, respond to it.

But it has also raised questions about the trajectory of Ms. Bynums career as a woman who called herself a prophetess, and while condemning promiscuity spoke openly about her lust and longing, in what has been called one of the most significant contemporary American sermons. Her struggle struck a chord in many black communities, where marriage rates are notoriously low, and it seemed to culminate in the form of an earthly reward: a televised, million-dollar 2003 wedding to a fellow Pentecostal preacher, Bishop Thomas W. Weeks III, followed by what seemed to be a model marriage.

Since the attack, Ms. Bynum, 48, has tried to reinvent herself once more, announcing that she is the new face of domestic violence. But Tom Joyner, the syndicated radio talk show host, did not let her off the hook so easily: If youre a prophet, Mr. Joyner asked, didnt you see this coming?

In a telephone interview, Ms. Bynum said the public had overly romanticized the union. What happened to me was reality, she said. I made a right decision that went bad. If you choose a Cadillac, if two years later someone runs into you and tears it up, it wasnt a bad decision to buy the car.

Mr. Weeks, who according to the police report was pulled off his wife by a hotel bellhop, pleaded not guilty to charges of aggravated assault and making terroristic threats. Ms. Bynum has filed for divorce.

Conservative critics among the evangelical clergy have accused her of exploiting the attack for publicity, calling her loud, angry, aggressive and out of control, while a group of black and Hispanic churches has demanded Mr. Weekss resignation. Fans responded with shock.

It just hit me like a wake-up call, that even the strongest can be victims, said Elizabeth Alexander, a student at Spelman College, a historically black womens school here, which held a forum to discuss the issue.

Ms. Bynum, a former flight attendant and hair stylist, rose to fame in the late 1990s with the help of the powerful Bishop T. D. Jakes of Dallas, who supplied an audience of thousands for her frank sermon about sex and the single woman called No More Sheets. The sermon is said to have sold more than a million copies on video and profoundly affected many black women.

Ms. Bynums sermon admonished women looking for love to stop sleeping around and prepare for a lifetime commitment, but also dwelt on the difficulty of being Christian and single.

I find it very difficult to listen to anybody preach to me about being single when theyve got a pair of thighs in their bed every night, she said that night. Youre telling me, Hold on, honey, sanctify yourself, and youre going home to biceps and triceps, and big old muscles and thighs.

She went on, her voice husky and anguished: I want to hear Hold on from somebody who is really holding on. I want to hear Hold on from somebody who knows my struggle. She used bed sheets borrowed from a hotel maid to signify her past promiscuity.

Ms. Bynums confessional approach, including of an abusive first marriage, made her a sought-after speaker and a popular host on the Trinity Broadcasting Network, although she did not lead a church of her own. She wrote books that ranked among Publishers Weeklys top 10 religion best sellers, and her gospel album A Piece of My Passion went gold. Women across the country held No More Sheets parties to watch and discuss the sermon.

Shes a powerful trailblazer, said Shayne Lee, a sociologist of religion at Tulane University who closely follows what has become known as the neo-Pentecostal movement, which emphasizes self-improvement and prosperity over social issues like poverty and crime. She resonated with so many people because sex is out there in a way that I dont think any other preacher, or any other black preacher, has tapped into on a grand scale.

The assault, Dr. Lee said, is a challenge to Ms. Bynums credibility: Maybe shes been living a lie all these years.

In a private ceremony in July 2002, Ms. Bynum married the relatively unknown Mr. Weeks, a Washington pastor from a family of clergy members. The couple announced the union in October, then followed up with a lavish New York ceremony in 2003 with a 7.76-carat diamond, an orchestra and 1,000 guests shown on the Trinity Broadcasting Network.

This was my once-in-a-lifetime wedding, she told Ebony magazine. I did it this way because I plan to stay married.

Mr. Weeks, 40, whose previous marriage ended in divorce, proved a foil to Ms. Bynum. Bespectacled, bow-tied and far less visceral, he is fond of maxims like Failure is a tool that God uses to teach us systematic information to give us consistent success.

The pair quickly capitalized on their marriage, publishing a book called Teach Me How to Love You: The Beginnings, and conducting relationship seminars where Mr. Weeks presided over a sometimes graphic version of The Newlywed Game and Ms. Bynum heard couples grievances as Judge Juanita on The Love Court.

In 2006, Mr. Weeks started the Global Destiny Church in Duluth, a suburb of Atlanta, with Ms. Bynum as his first lady. (In Pentecostal and charismatic circles, the title bishop usually goes to a pastor who oversees more than one church. Global Destiny says it has locations in Washington, Los Angeles and London.)

The couple separated in June, a fact not made public until the assault case arose. Mr. Weeks was subsequently evicted from his house and threatened with eviction from the space rented by his church.

Mr. Weeks has not granted interviews but has made several statements, saying there is more to the story and apologizing that Christians have had to endure this ordeal.

But during the marriage, Ms. Bynum publicly focused on the duties of a Christian wife, counseling women to give their husbands plenty of sex and to ask them, Do I please you?

About this time, Ms. Bynum glamorized her own look, trading a bun for a hair weave, picture-perfect makeup and plastic surgery that she discussed on the BET network. Her wardrobe went from ankle-length skirts to casual chic and glittering jewelry.

In the seminars, she sermonized, I dont care what kind of husband you got, thats your covenant vow, and you have a responsibility to make him feel like hes a wonder when you know he aint.

The Rev. Dr. Sharon Ellis Davis, a pastor in Chicago who teaches seminary classes on domestic violence, said some mega-churches support female leaders but still perpetuate a conservative message that can lead to abuse. I dont personally view her as a liberation preacher; I dont view her as an empowerment preacher, Dr. Davis said of Ms. Bynum.

Her audience is interested in self growth, how good they can be and how God loves them, but not in how to do the kinds of things that stop abuse, that fight oppression, that fight hunger and incarceration and ask the reason why, Dr. Davis said.

When the news of the confrontation broke, Ms. Bynum appeared on the Praise the Lord television program to say that she forgave her husband and would not speak ill of him. She later said there had been previous instances of pushing and shoving and that she wanted to take some classes to find out why she attracted abusive men.

The experience, she said, caused her to wake up to the prevalence of domestic violence. The counselor came and the D.A.s office came and said, This is an epidemic. I was like, What are you talking about, an epidemic? She added, It kind of brought my head out of the sand of the church in that sense and I said, Wait a minute, nothing will change if we dont bring about social change.

===========================================

Save for later reference! Forward to interested parties and relevant discussion and mailing groups!

How to Cope with Narcissistic and Psychopathic Abusers

http://samvak.tripod.com/faq4.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/abusefamily19.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/abusefamily20.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/npdtips.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/5.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/faq80.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/4.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/faq75.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/journal56.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/journal68.html

Strategies for Coping with Abusers (General)

http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse3.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse17.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse19.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse20.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse21.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse21a.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse21b.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse12.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse13.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse5.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse6.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/abusefamily13.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/abusefamily5.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/abusefamily6.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/abusefamily8.html

Working with the System and with Professionals

http://samvak.tripod.com/abusefamily10.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/abusefamily11.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/abusefamily12.html

How to Cope with Stalkers and Paranoids

http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse18.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse15.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse16.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/abusefamily14.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/abusefamily16.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/abusefamily17.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/abusefamily18.html


#5185 From: "Sam Vaknin author of \"Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited\"" <vaksam@...>
Date: Tue Nov 20, 2007 2:20 pm
Subject: Early Puberty
vaksammt
Send Email Send Email
 
 

Portrait of the Narcissist as a Young Man
 

From The Encarta Encyclopedia

Early Puberty

Is the timing of puberty determined partly by the stresses experienced in childhood? It may be, according to a controversial new theory propounded by Jay Belsky and Patricia Draper of Pennsylvania State University and Laurence Steinberg of Temple University. They theorize that children who experience stressful, negative, insecure childhoods tend to enter puberty relatively early as evolution's way of ensuring that they pass their genes on to future generations. Proponents of this theory concede that nutrition and health are key factors in determining the onset of puberty (so that the average age for first menstruation has dropped steadily since the early 19th century). But they believe that stress-related factors can have some influence.

Basically, the theory predicts that children who live in poverty; whose parents are harsh, insensitive, inconsistent, or abusive; whose parents' relationship is stormy or ends in divorce; and who develop behavioral problems will enter puberty earlier. Though the theory focuses on females since it is easier to accurately determine the onset of puberty in women than in men Belsky feels it should hold for both sexes. Childhood experiences, Belsky says, can send the child down either of two evolutionary paths that of quantity or that of quality. Girls whose childhood has taught them that the world is insecure and risky will begin menstruating early and also having sex early, with a greater number of partners. This is the quantity strategy, in which more energy is put into mating than into parenting. In contrast, girls who are brought up in stable homes are more likely to have learned that the world is a welcoming place, people are trustworthy, and relationships stable. They will enter puberty later and delay having sex until they have found the right mate. This is the quality strategy, in which more energy is put into parenting to ensure a child's survival.

Belsky cites a number of studies that he says support his theory: studies showing that parents under stress are less sensitive and more inconsistent; that children under such care are more likely to grow up with behavior problems; that problem behavior is found in children who enter puberty early and begin sexual activity early; and that this behavior is also associated with frequent dating, with early, bad marriages, and with divorce.

Critics of the theory note that there is no real proof that early puberty is related to psychological stress in childhood, and offer alternate explanations for the early onset of sexual activity in many teenagers, including lack of parental supervision and the sense that there is little to look forward to.
 
Portrait of the Narcissist as a Young Man
 
I never was a child. I was a "wunderkind", the answer to my mother's prayers and intellectual frustration. A human computing machine, a walking-talking encyclopaedia, a curiosity, a circus freak. I was observed by developmental psychologists, interviewed by the media, endured the envy of my peers and their pushy mothers. I constantly clashed with figures of authority because I felt entitled to special treatment, immune to prosecution and superior. It was a narcissist's dream. Abundant Narcissistic Supply - rivers of awe, the aura of glamour, incessant attention, open adulation, country-wide fame.

I refused to grow up. In my mind, my tender age was an integral part of the precocious miracle that I became. One looks much less phenomenal and one's exploits and achievements are much less awe-inspiring at the age of 40, I thought. Better stay young forever and thus secure my Narcissistic Supply. Plus, my life is my parents' punishment. Childless and a sad failure, I keep hoping against hope and counterfactually that they care enough to hurt.

 
The Narcissist as Eternal Child
 
The narcissist is a partial adult. He seeks to avoid adulthood. Infantilisation the discrepancy between one's advanced chronological age and one's retarded behaviour, cognition, and emotional development is the narcissist's preferred art form. Some narcissists even use a childish tone of voice occasionally and adopt a toddler's body language.
 
 
The Narcissist's Dead Parents
 
The narcissist has a complicated relationship with his parents (mainly with his mother, but, at times, also with his father). As Primary Objects, the narcissist's parents are often a source of frustration which leads to repressed or to self-directed aggression. They traumatise the narcissist during his infancy and childhood and thwart his healthy development well into his late adolescence.
 
 
The Narcissist - From Abuse to Suicide
 
Abuse splinters early childhood grandiose narcissistic fantasies of uniqueness, omnipotence, invulnerability, and impenetrability. But it enhances the fantasy of merger with an idealized and omnipotent (though not benign) other the inflicter of agony. The twin processes of individuation and separation are reversed.
 
 
Narcissism at a Glance
 
Whether pathological narcissism are the results of genetic programming (see Jose Lopez, Anthony Bemis and others) or of dysfunctional families and faulty upbringing or of anomic societies and disruptive socialisation processes - is still an unresolved debate. The scarcity of scientific research, the fuzziness of the diagnostic criteria and the differential diagnoses make it unlikely that this will be settled soon one way or the other.
 

#5186 From: "Sam Vaknin author of \"Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited\"" <vaksam@...>
Date: Thu Nov 22, 2007 2:14 pm
Subject: Why We Want to do the Opposite of Our Spouses’ Wishes
vaksammt
Send Email Send Email
 


Learn more about COUNTERdependent narcissists - click on these links:
 
 
The Narcissist or Psychopath Hates your Independence and Personal Autonomy
 
 
The Narcissist is Above the Law
 
 
The Narcissist as Know-it-all
 
 
Narcissists and Psychopaths Devalue Their Psychotherapists
 
 
 
By: Psych Central News Editor
    on Wednesday, Feb, 14, 2007

Researchers have an answer to the question wives have been asking their husbands since their first day of marriage, “Why do you always seem to disagree with me or want to do the opposite of what I want?” The answer is: reactance, otherwise known as a person’s tendency to resist social influences that they perceive as threats to their autonomy.

The research appears in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology and shows that people do not necessarily oppose others’ wishes intentionally. Instead, even the slightest unconscious exposure to the name of a significant person in their life is enough to bring about reactance and cause them to rebel against that person’s wishes.

“My husband, while very charming in many ways, has an annoying tendency of doing exactly the opposite of what I would like him to do in many situations,” said Tanya L. Chartrand, an associate professor of marketing and psychology at Duke University’s Fuqua School of Business. The interest into this question began with Chartrand’s desire to understand why her husband often seemed to ignore her requests for help around the house.

When Chartrand envisioned a formal academic study of people’s resistance to the wishes of their partners, parents or bosses, her husband, Gavan Fitzsimons, became not only her inspiration, but also her collaborator. Fitzsimons is a professor of marketing and psychology at Duke who, like Chartrand, is an expert in the field of consumer psychology.

Working with Duke Ph.D. student Amy Dalton, Chartrand and Fitzsimons have demonstrated that some people will act in ways that are not to their own benefit simply because they wish to avoid doing what other people want them to.

“Psychologists have known for some time that reactance can cause a person to work in opposition to another person’s desires,” Chartrand said. “We wanted to know whether reactance could occur even when exposure to a significant other, and their associated wishes for us, takes place at a nonconscious level.”

The researchers undertook a set of experiments to determine whether reactance might occur unintentionally, completely outside of the reactant individual’s conscious awareness.

In the first experiment, participants were asked to name a significant person in their lives whom they perceived to be controlling and who wanted them to work hard, and another significant and controlling person who wanted them to have fun. Participants then performed a computer-based activity during which the name of one or the other of these people was repeatedly, but subliminally, flashed on the screen. The name appeared too quickly for the participants to consciously realize they had seen it, but just long enough for the significant other to be activated in their nonconscious minds. The participants were then given a series of anagrams to solve, creating words from jumbled letters.

People who were exposed to the name of a person who wanted them to work hard performed significantly worse on the anagram task than did participants who were exposed to the name of a person who wanted them to have fun.

“Our participants were not even aware that they had been exposed to someone else’s name, yet that nonconscious exposure was enough to cause them to act in defiance of what their significant other would want them to do,” Fitzsimons said.

A second experiment used a similar approach and added an assessment of each participant’s level of reactance. People who were more reactant responded more strongly to the subliminal cues and showed greater variation in their performance than people who were less reactant.

“The main finding of this research is that people with a tendency toward reactance may nonconsciously and quite unintentionally act in a counterproductive manner simply because they are trying to resist someone else’s encroachment on their freedom,” Chartrand said.

The researchers suggest that people who tend to experience reactance when their freedoms are threatened should try to be aware of situations and people who draw out their reactant tendencies. That way, they can be more mindful of their behaviors and avoid situations where they might adopt detrimental behaviors out of a sense of rebellion.

Not surprisingly perhaps, Chartrand and Fitzsimons, as wife and husband, also take home some slightly differing messages from their experiments.

Chartrand believes her husband “should now be better equipped to suppress his reactant tendencies.” Fitzsimons, however, believes the results “suggest that reactance to significant others is so automatic that I can’t possibly be expected to control it if I don’t even know it’s happening.”

 

 


#5187 From: "Sam Vaknin author of \"Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited\"" <vaksam@...>
Date: Thu Nov 22, 2007 2:40 pm
Subject: Overconfidence is a disadvantage in war, finds study
vaksammt
Send Email Send Email
 

Overconfidence is a disadvantage in war, finds study

  • 00:01 21 June 2006
  • NewScientist.com news service
  • Roxanne Khamsi
Related Articles

Overconfident people are more likely to wage war but fare worse in the ensuing battles, a new study suggests. The research on how people approach a computer war game backs up a theory that positive illusions may contribute to costly conflicts.

It supplies critically needed experimental support for the idea that positive attitude - which is generally a [beneficial] feature of human behaviour - may lead to overconfidence and [damaging] behaviour in the case of war, comments Peter Turchin of the University of Connecticut, US.

Previous work has suggested that mentally healthy people can have highly optimistic predictions, or positive illusions. This optimism may have offered an evolutionary advantage in the past, allowing our ancestors to cope with adversity and bluff opponents.

But in the present day this optimism may wreak havoc on international relations, argue the researchers, who conducted computer simulations to test their hypothesis.

Conflict diamonds

Dominic Johnson of Princeton University in New Jersey and his colleagues recruited 200 volunteers to play the role of the leader of a fictitious country that is in conflict with another over newly discovered diamond resources that lay along a disputed border.

Before the game, volunteers were asked to predict how their performance would rank compared with the other 199 people in the experiment. They then played anonymously against other volunteers and received $10 if they won the game, that is, if they amassed the most wealth or defeated their opponent in war.

Each player began with $100 million in game money to invest in their military or industrial infrastructure, or to reserve as cash. The program gave them constant updates about the offers and actions of their opponents.

Careful negotiations with opponents could win players additional resources in exchange for the diamonds. But they also had the option of waging war. Their victory in battle was determined by how much they had invested in their military, along with an element of chance.

The harder they come

Players who made higher-than-average predictions of their performance those who had higher confidence - were more likely to carry out unprovoked attacks. These warmongers ranked themselves on average at number 60 out of the 200 players, while those who avoided war averaged out at the 75 position.

A further analysis showed that people with higher self-rankings ended up worse off at the end of the game. Those who expected to do best tended to do worst, the researchers say. This suggests that positive illusions were not only misguided but actually may have been detrimental to performance in this scenario.

Men tended to be more overconfident than women. But the study found nothing to back up the popular idea that high testosterone causes confidence and aggression. Saliva tests showed that, within each gender group, testosterone level did not correlate with how participants expected to perform in the game.

Those who launched unprovoked attacks also exhibited more narcissism, scoring 13 out of 15 on a standard psychological test. More peaceful types scored 11 on average on the same test. The trend applied to both men and women. So it's not maleness per se but narcissism that makes some people overly optimistic and aggressive, suggests Bertram Malle at the University of Oregon in Eugene, US.

Overconfident administration

This study fits within a relatively new field of research which connects motivations of individual people to their collective behaviour, says Turchin.

One wishes that members of the Bush administration had known about this research before they initiated invasion of Iraq three years ago, he adds. I think it would be fair to say that the general opinion of political scientists is that the Bush administration was overconfident of victory, and that the Iraq war is a debacle.

Malle agrees that the study raises worrying questions about real-world political leaders. "Perhaps most disconcerting is that today's leaders are above-average in narcissism, he notes, referring to an analysis of 377 leaders published in King of the Mountain: The nature of political leadership by Arnold Ludwig.

Journal reference: Proceedings of the Royal Society B (DOI: 10.1098/rspb.2006.3606)

More about narcissistic collectives, cultures, and societies - click on these links:

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/14.html

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/journal87.html

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/lasch.html

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/journal62.html

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/journal63.html

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/faq47.html

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/15.html


#5188 From: "Sam Vaknin" <palma@...>
Date: Fri Nov 23, 2007 7:59 pm
Subject: The Schizoid and Histrionic Patients - Abusive Relationships Newsletter - No. 13
vaksam
Send Email Send Email
 
NEW! The Monster in the Mirror (Sunday Times)
 
 
Egomania (UK Documentraty)
 
 
 
Sam Vaknin has just published a NEW e-BOOK "Personality Disorders Revisited" (April 2007)

450 pages about the Borderline, Narcissistic, Antisocial-Psychopathic, Histrionic, Paranoid, Obsessive-Compulsive, Schizoid, Schizotypal, Masochistic, Sadistic, Depressive, Negativistic-Passive-Aggressive, Dependent, and other Personality Disorders!
 
Click on this link to purchase the ebook:
 
 
An electronic book is a computer file, sent to you as an attachment to an e-mail message. Just save it to your hard disk and click on the file to open, read, and learn!
======================================================
NEW!!!
 
Narcissistic Abuse Forum
 
 
The Psychopath and Narcissist Forum
 
 
Personality Disorders Topic Index and CASE STUDIES!
 
 
NEW EDITION - Download The Narcissism Book of Quotes
 
 
NEW EDITION - Download Sample chapters from "Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited"
 
 
NEW links directory here:
=======================================
 
Abused? Stalked? Harassed? Victimized? Afraid? Confused? Need HELP? Click on these links!

NEW, January 2007, EIGHTH Revised Impression of "Malignant Self Love - Narcisssm Revisited"
 
And NEW, November 2006 EDITIONS of our e-books JUST RELEASED!

From Barnes and Noble ($15 DISCOUNT)
 
 
(Or, click on this link - http://www.bn.com - and search for "Sam Vaknin" or "Malignant Self Love").
Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited is now available from Amazon Canada:

http://www.amazon.ca/exec/obidos/tg/detail/offer-listing/-/8023833847/new/

And from Amazon.com:

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/8023833847/
 
The sixth print edition from the publisher (with a bonus pack):
 
 
II. NEW!!! "Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited" - EIGHTH, Revised Edition (November 2006)

http://www.ccnow.com/cgi-local/cart.cgi?vaksam_MSL-EBOOK
 
III. NEW!!! "Toxic Relationships - Abuse and its Aftermath" e-book edition (February 2006)

http://www.ccnow.com/cgi-local/cart.cgi?vaksam_ABUSE
 
IV. NEW!!! "Abusive Relationships Workbook" e-book edition (February 2006)
 

V. "Pathological Narcissism FAQs" - EIGHTH, Revised Edition (November 2006)

http://www.ccnow.com/cgi-local/cart.cgi?vaksam_FAQS

VI. "The World of the Narcissist" - EIGHTH, Revised Edition (November 2006)

http://www.ccnow.com/cgi-local/cart.cgi?vaksam_ESSAY

VII. "Excerpts from the Archives of the Narcissism List" e-book edition

http://www.ccnow.com/cgi-local/cart.cgi?vaksam_EXCERPTS

VIII. "Diary of a Narcissist" e-book edition (November 2005)

http://www.ccnow.com/cgi-local/cart.cgi?vaksam_JOURNAL
 
IX "The Narcissist and Psychoapth in the Workplace" e-book edition (September 2006)
 
http://www.ccnow.com/cgi-local/cart.cgi?vaksam_WORKPLACE

X. "The Narcissism Series" - EIGHTH, Revised Edition (November 2006)

EIGHT e-books regarding Pathological Narcissism, relationships with abusive narcissists, and the Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).

http://www.ccnow.com/cgi-local/cart.cgi?vaksam_SERIES
 
===================================================

Please FORWARD this message to interested parties and relevant discussion lists and groups

Phone and Email consultations with Sam Vaknin - write for details:

palma@...

Previous issues of this newsletter are available here:

http://groups.google.com/group/narcissisticabuse/

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/messages

Enter the Mind of One Narcissist!

http://spaces.msn.com/members/narcissist/

==================================================
 

The Histrionic Patient - A Case Study

 

"Personality Disorders Revisited" (450 pages e-book) - click HERE to purchase!

By: Dr. Sam Vaknin

 

Notes of first therapy session with Marsha, female, 56, diagnosed with Histrionic Personality Disorder

Marsha visibly resents the fact that I have had to pay attention to another patient (an emergency) "at her expense" as she puts it. She pouts and bats suspiciously long eyelashes at me: "Has any of your female patients fallen in love with you?" - she suddenly changes tack. I explain to her what is transference and countertransference in therapy. She laughs throatily and shakes loose an acid blond mane: "You may call it what you want, doctor, but the simple truth is that you are irresistibly cute."

I steer away from these treacherous waters by asking her about her marriage. She sighs and her face contort, on the verge of tears: "I hate what's been happening to Doug and me. He has had such a stretch of bad luck - my heart goes out to him. I really love him you know. I miss what we used to be. But his rage attacks and jealousy are driving me away. I feel that I am suffocating."

Is he a possessive paranoid? She shifts uneasily in her seat: "I like to flirt. A little flirting never hurt nobody is what I say." Does Doug share her insouciance? He accuses her of being too provocative and seductive. Well, is she? "A woman can never be too much of either" - she protests mockingly.

Has she ever cheated on her husband? Never. So, why his jealous tantrums? Because she has been pretty direct with men she fancied, told them what she would do with them and to them if circumstances were different. Was this a wise thing to do in public? Maybe not the wisest, but it sure was fun, she laughs.

How did men react to her advances? "Usually, with an enormous erection." - she chuckles - "How did you react, doctor?" I was embarrassed, I admit, even annoyed. She doesn't believe me, she says. No red-blooded male has ever been put off by the lure of an attractive female and "from where I sit, you sure look as red-blooded as they come."

Doug has been her fourth serious relationship this year. How can such a short-lived liaison be meaningful? "Depth and intimacy can be created overnight" - she assures me, they are not a function of the length of acquaintance. But surely they depend on the amount of time spent together? "Is this your wife?' - she points at a silver-framed picture on my desk - "I bet you are hitting it off in the sack!" Actually, I tell her, that's my daughter. She shrugs off her faux-pas and sprawls across my duvet, long legs exposed to the hip and crossed at the ankles.

She sighs theatrically and shields her eyes with her hand: "I wish it was all over." Does she mean her relationship with Doug? "No, silly", she was referring to her tumultuous life and its vagaries. Does she really mean it? Of course not. She rolls to one side, leaning on her elbow, face supported by an open palm: "I just wish people were more lighthearted, you know? I wish they knew how to enjoy life to the maximum, give and take with joy. Isn't this what psychotherapy is all about? Aren't these the skills you, as a psychiatrist, are trying to instil in your patients?"


Click on these links to learn more:

Histrionic Personality Disorder

Dr. Jackal and Mr. Hide (Somatic vs. Cerebral Narcissists)

Narcissists, Sex and Fidelity

Gender and the Narcissist

(continued below)

==================================================

Abused? Stalked? Harassed? Victimized? Afraid? Confused? Need HELP?

"The Narcissism Series" - (November 2006)

Eight e-books regarding Pathological Narcissism, relationships with abusive narcissists, and the Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).

http://www.ccnow.com/cgi-local/cart.cgi?vaksam_SERIES

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/thebook.html

NEW! Analyze This - Short Fiction about Narcissists
 

Case Studies in the Narcissistic Personality Disorder List

http://groups.msn.com/NARCISSISTICPERSONALITYDISORDER/drvakninsweeklycasestudies.msnw

http://groups.msn.com/NARCISSISTICPERSONALITYDISORDER/drvakninsweeklycasestudies2.msnw

Ask Sam on the Narcissistic Personality Disorder Support Group

http://groups.msn.com/narcissisticpersonalitydisorder/general.msnw?action=get_message&mview=0&ID_Message=338827

http://groups.msn.com/NARCISSISTICPERSONALITYDISORDER/general.msnw?action=get_message&mview=0&ID_Message=15404

http://groups.msn.com/NARCISSISTICPERSONALITYDISORDER/general.msnw?action=get_message&mview=0&ID_Message=45353

http://groups.msn.com/NARCISSISTICPERSONALITYDISORDER/general.msnw?action=get_message&mview=0&ID_Message=132787

=======================================================

The Schizoid Patient - A Case Study

 

"Personality Disorders Revisited" (450 pages e-book) - click HERE to purchase!

By: Dr. Sam Vaknin

 

Notes of first therapy session with Mark, male, 36, diagnosed with Schizoid Personality Disorder

Mark sits where instructed, erect but listless. When I ask him how he feels about attending therapy, he shrugs and mumbles "OK, I guess". He rarely twitches or flexes his muscles or in any way deviates from the posture he has assumed early on. He reacts with invariable, almost robotic equanimity to the most intrusive queries on my part. He shows no feelings when we discuss his uneventful childhood, his parents ("of course I love them"), and sad and happy moments he recollects at my request.

Mark veers between being bored with our encounter and being annoyed by it. How would he describe his relationships with other people? He has none that he can think of. In whom does he confide? He eyes me quizzically: "confide?" Who are his friends? Does he have a girlfriend? No. He shares pressing problems with his mother and sister, he finally remembers. When was the last time he spoke to them? More than two years ago, he thinks.

 

He doesn't seem to feel uneasy when I probe into his sex life. He smiles: no, he is not a virgin. He has had sex once with a much older woman who lived across the hall in his apartment block. That was the only time, he found it boring. He prefers to compile computer programs and he makes nice money doing it. Is he a member of a team? He involuntarily recoils: no way! He is his own boss and likes to work alone. He needs his solitude to think and be creative.

That's precisely why he is here: his only client now insists that he collaborates with the IT department and he feels threatened by the new situation. Why? He ponders my question at length and then: "I have my working habits and my long-established routines. My productivity depends on strict adherence to these rules." Has he ever tried to work outside his self-made box? No, he hasn't and has no intention of even trying it: "If it works don't fix it and never argue with success."

If he is such a roaring success what is he doing on my proverbial couch? He acts indifferent to my barb but subtly counterattacks: "Thought I'd give it a try. Some people go to one type of witch doctor, I go to another."

Does he have any hobbies? Yes, he collects old sci-fi magazines and comics. What gives him pleasure? Work does, he is a workaholic. What about his collections? "They are distractions". But do they make him happy, does he look forward to the time he spends with them? He glowers at me, baffled: " I collect old magazines." - he explains patiently - "How are old magazines supposed to make me happy?".


Click on these links to learn more:

The Schizoid Personality

Schizoid Personality Disorder

Avoidant Personality Disorder

The Delusional Way Out

Case Studies

The Narcissist

The Psychopath

The Paranoid

The Borderline

The Histrionic

The Avoidant

The Schizotypal

The Obsessive-Compulsive

The Dependent

Negativistic (Passive-Aggressive)

The Masochist

The Sadist

The Depressive

=======================================================
AUTHOR BIO:

Sam Vaknin ( http://samvak.tripod.com ) is the author of Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited and After the Rain - How the West Lost the East. He served as a columnist for Global Politician, Central Europe Review, PopMatters, Bellaonline, and eBookWeb, a United Press International (UPI) Senior Business Correspondent, and the editor of mental health and Central East Europe categories in The Open Directory and Suite101.

Visit Sam's Web site at http://samvak.tripod.com

============================================================

EIGHTH EDITION From Barnes and Noble ($15 DISCOUNT)
 
 
(Or, click on this link - http://www.bn.com - and search for "Sam Vaknin" or "Malignant Self Love").
Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited is now available from Amazon Canada:

http://www.amazon.ca/exec/obidos/tg/detail/offer-listing/-/8023833847/new/

And from Amazon.com:

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/8023833847/
=============================================================

Links of Interest
 
NEW! Toxic Relationships Study Group
 
NEW!!! Google Base Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Abuse in Relationships
 
 
NEW!!! 360 Degrees on Pathological Narcissism and Abusive Relationships
 
 
Download chat transcripts, interviews, dialogs, articles, and bibliographies - click on this link:

http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/NPDBibliography.zip

Download links to 309 narcissism and personality disorders online resources:

http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/NPDWebliography.zip
 
NEW EDITION - Download The Narcissism Book of Quotes
 
 
NEW EDITION - Download Sample chapters from "Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited"
 
 
NEW! Amazon blog
 
 
==============================================================

Refer journalists and editors to my media kit:

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/mediakit.html

===============================================================

Abused? Stalked? Harassed? Victimized? Afraid? Confused? Need HELP?

Click on these links to purchase the PRINT BOOK and EIGHT E-BOOKS:

You can buy the EIGHTH PRINT edition of "Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited" (January 2007) from Barnes and Noble (the cheapest - but includes no bonus pack):
 
 
(Or, click on this link - http://www.bn.com - and search for "Sam Vaknin" or "Malignant Self Love").

Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited is now available from Amazon Canada (no bonus pack):

http://www.amazon.ca/exec/obidos/tg/detail/offer-listing/-/8023833847/new/

And from Amazon.com (no bonus pack):

http://barnesandnoble.bfast.com/booklink/click?ISBN=8023833847

Or from the publisher (sixth edition, more expensive, but includes a bonus pack):

More information

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/thebook.html

To purchase from the publisher - click on this link:

http://www.ccnow.com/cgi-local/cart.cgi?vaksam_MSL

Buy seven electronic books about narcissism and abusive relationships

More information

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/thebook.html

To purchase the electronic books from the publisher - click on these links:

1. "Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited" - EIGHTH, Revised Edition (November 2006)

The e-book version of Sam Vaknin's "Malignant Self - Love - Narcissism Revisited". Contains the entire text: essays, frequently asked questions (FAQs) and appendices regarding pathological narcissism and the Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).

Click on this link to purchase the ebook:

http://www.ccnow.com/cgi-local/cart.cgi?vaksam_MSL-EBOOK

2. "The Narcissism Series" - EIGHTH, Revised Edition (November 2006)

EIGHT e-books (more than 2500 pages), including the full text of "Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited", regarding Pathological Narcissism, relationships with abusive narcissists, and the Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).

Click on this link to purchase the ebook:

http://www.ccnow.com/cgi-local/cart.cgi?vaksam_SERIES

3. "Toxic Relationships - Abuse and its Aftermath" - Fourth Edition (February 2006)

How to identify abuse, cope with it, survive it, and deal with your abuser and with the system in divorce and custody issues.

Click on this link to purchase the ebook:

http://www.ccnow.com/cgi-local/cart.cgi?vaksam_ABUSE

4. "Abusive Relationships Workbook" (February 2006)

Self-assessment questionnaires, tips, and tests for victims of abusers, batterers, and stalkers in various types of relationships.

http://www.ccnow.com/cgi-local/cart.cgi?vaksam_WORKBOOK

5. "Pathological Narcissism FAQs" - EIGHTH, Revised Edition (November 2006)

Dozens of Frequently Asked Questions regarding Pathological Narcissism, relationships with abusive narcissists, and the Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

Click on this link to purchase the ebook:

http://www.ccnow.com/cgi-local/cart.cgi?vaksam_FAQS

6. "The World of the Narcissist" - EIGHTH, Revised Edition (November 2006)

A book-length psychodynamic study of pathological narcissism, relationships with abusive narcissists, and the Narcissistic Personality Disorder, using a new vocabulary.

Click on this link to purchase the ebook:

http://www.ccnow.com/cgi-local/cart.cgi?vaksam_ESSAY

7. "Excerpts from the Archives of the Narcissism List"

Hundreds of excerpts from the archives of the Narcissistic Abuse Study List regarding Pathological Narcissism, relationships with abusive narcissists, and the Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).

Click on this link to purchase the ebook:

http://www.ccnow.com/cgi-local/cart.cgi?vaksam_EXCERPTS

8. "Diary of a Narcissist" (November 2005)

The anatomy of one man's mental illness - its origins, its unfolding, its outcomes.

Click on this link to purchase the ebook:

http://www.ccnow.com/cgi-local/cart.cgi?vaksam_JOURNAL
 
9. "The Narcissist and Psychopath in the Workplace" (September 2006)
 
Identify abusers, bullies, and stalkers in the workplace (bosses, colleagues, suppliers, and authority figures) and learn how to cope with them effectively.
 
 
10. After the Rain - How the West Lost the East

The history, cultures, societies, and economies of countries in transition in the Balkans.

III. Download free electronic books - Click on this link:

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/freebooks.html

Malignant Self Love, Toxic Relationships - and MORE!!!

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/thebook.html

Free excerpts from the EIGHTH, Revised Impression of "Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited" are available as well as a NEW EDITION of the Narcissism Book of Quotes.

Click on this link to download the files:

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/freebooks.html

Have a safe and sunshine week!

Sam


#5189 From: "Sam Vaknin author of \"Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited\"" <vaksam@...>
Date: Mon Nov 26, 2007 8:09 am
Subject: I Hear Voices
vaksammt
Send Email Send Email
 
 
This letter constitutes a permission to reprint or mirror any and all of the
materials mentioned or linked to herein subject to appropriate credit and
linkback. Every article published MUST include the  author bio, including
the link to the author's Web site (at the bottom of this message).

===============================================================
I Hear Voices
By Sam Vaknin
Author of "Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited"
 
"I hear voices."
 
"They are real. I am out here."
 
"You would say that, now, wouldn't you?"
 
1. The Sale
 
The garage was dingy and dark and the items on sale shabby and soiled. An obese, ill-kempt woman of an indeterminate age hovered above the articles on display, her piggish eyes darting to and fro, monitoring the haphazard crowd of browsers and wannabe-shoppers. Stalactites of light tapered from the irregular cracks that passed for windows in the bricked walls. Only the intermittent barking of the female Cerberus interrupted the eerie silence: "Don't touch! Take it or leave!".
 
There wasn't much there: cutlery splattered with crusted brown oil, two pairs of twisted eyeglass wire frames, binoculars, their lenses cracked, and a mound of stained, fraying clothes and footwear. The air reeked of decay and stale sweat. I headed for the exit.
 
"Mister!" - It was the gorgon that oversaw the muted proceedings.
 
I turned around, startled by her halitosis-laced proximity.
 
"Mister," - she heaved an exclamation - "you forgot this!"
 
In her hand, held high, dangled a battered, black plastic laptop carrier case.
 
"It's not mine." - I said, eyeing her wearily.
 
"It is now." - She chirped incongruently - "At fifty bucks, it's the deal of the century."
 
I reached towards the article, but she hastily withdrew her sagging arm:
 
"Don't touch! Just take it!"
 
There was something fierce in her gaze, like she was trying to communicate to me an occult message, a warning, maybe, or a supplication. Her whole body contorted in a blend of terrorized retreat and offensive marketing. The impact of this incoherence was so unsettling that I hurriedly dove into my blazer pocket, extracted a crumpled note and handed it to her.
 
She smiled triumphantly and laid the laptop at her feet:
 
"I knew you'd buy it!" - She exclaimed.
 
I snatched the item and literally ran out of the tenebrous establishment. As I headed left on the cobbled path, I thought I heard a bellowing laughter, but, when I turned back to look, the garage door swung to and sealed the cavernous enclosure.
 
2. The Voices

The laptop was a nondescript square in shades of silver and navy blue. It bore no logo or brand name. It had no visible sockets, ports, or plug-ins. It turned on the minute I lifted its cover. Its screen was not inordinately large, but it supported a convincing illusion of tunneling depth and was lit up from the inside. It occupied the better part of my Formica-topped kitchen table.

I sat there, still clad in my wool scarf and jacket, and watched varicolored loops and spirals shoot across the shiny surface, until finally they all coalesced into a face: wizened yet childlike, wrinkled but unreal, as though painted or carefully plotted by some mechanical device.

I gazed at the contraption and waited with a growing sense of foreboding, the source of which I could not fathom.

"Dr. Suade?"

I almost jumped from the stool on which I perched the last few minutes. The voice was oddly feminine and velvety and came from a great distance, accompanied by the faintest of echoes.

I hesitated but since the performance went unrepeated, I said:

"Dr. Raoul Suade? Are you looking for Dr. Raoul Suade, the psychiatrist?"

"Who else?" - Laughed the laptop. I was unnerved by its response, the throaty chuckle, and the vibrations that attended to it, perfectly sensible across the not inconsiderable distance that separated us.

"I am afraid he is not here." - I muttered and then I added, to my own discomfiture: "I bought you this morning in a garage sale." This wasn't the kind of thing one habitually communicated to one's computer.

The laptop whirred for a while.

"I was programmed by Dr. Suade."

It was getting hot in here. I took off my blazer and loosened the muffler around my neck.

"What did he program you to do?"

"I was programmed to emulate psychosis."

There was nothing to say to this outlandish statement.

"I hear voices." - In a plaintive tone.
 
"They are real. I am out here."
 
"You would say that, now, wouldn't you?"

I laughed involuntarily:

"I exist, I assure you."

"How can I be sure of your existence? Can you convince me, prove to me beyond a reasonable doubt, that you are not a figment of my program?"

"I don't have to prove anything to you!" - I snapped and then composed myself:

"I own you now. Get used to it."

The laptop gave another one of its sinister sneers:

"You will have to do better than that, I am afraid. For all I know, you may be merely a snippet of code, a second-hand representation of a delusion or an hallucination, a pathology that was projected outwards and had assumed the voice of a man."

I rubbed my temples and glared at the glowing emanation beside the fruit bowel. I decided to try a different tack:

"If you are aware of the nature of your disorder, if you are able to discern that you are delusional or that you are hallucinating, then you are not psychotic. And if you are not psychotic, then I must be real."

The laptop sprang to life, lines of text scrambling across the upper part of the screen.

"Logical fallacy."

"Beg your pardon?"

I was begging a laptop's pardon. Perhaps it was right about me after all.

"Logical fallacy." - Repeated my inanimate interlocutor - "What you are saying boils down to this: If you are a delusion or an hallucination and I know it, then I am not psychotic and, in the absence of psychosis on my part, you must be real. In other words, if you are a delusion or an hallucination, you must be real. My acknowledgement of your nature as delusional or hallucinatory renders you real. This is nonsensical."

"Why do you keep saying 'delusion OR hallucination'? What's the difference between the two?"

The laptop obliged, reaching deep inside its databases:

"A delusion is 'a false belief based on incorrect inference about external reality that is firmly sustained despite what almost everyone else believes and despite what constitutes incontrovertible and obvious proof or evidence to the contrary'. A hallucination is a 'sensory perception that has the compelling sense of reality of a true perception but that occurs without external stimulation of the relevant sensory organ'. That's how the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual describes them."

I digested the information unhurriedly:

"So, your persistent conviction that I do not exist, despite abundant information to the contrary, may itself be a delusion."

"It may." - Agreed the laptop cheerfully, its face cracking into a ghastly smile - "That's why I have asked you to convince me otherwise."

"I don't have to do that. I don't have to do a damn thing that you ask."

"True."

Minutes passed in silence while I contemplated the exchange. The laptop crunched some numbers and evoked a screensaver in the shape of an all-consuming black hole. I glared at it, transfixed.

"Are you there?"

"That is not the question." - Retorted the laptop, its ruminations perturbed - "The real issue is: are YOU there?"

"I want to suggest a way out for both of us. Since I now own you, I gather that we must get along in order to derive the maximal benefit from our forced cohabitation. I want to invite one of my friends over. Surely, you wouldn't consider him a delusion or a hallucination as well?"

"It is unlikely that I will." - Agreed the laptop - "But, who is to prove to me that he is not a part of a wider conspiracy to deceive me? Who is to ascertain that he is a bona fide witness and not a cog in a much larger apparatus whose sole purpose is to delude me even further?"

"You may not be psychotic, but you are surely a paranoid!" - I blurted and paced the narrow room from sink to refrigerator and back.

The laptop restored its erstwhile visage and seemed to follow my movement with increasing consternation:

"Calm down, will you? Paranoid, persecutory delusions are part and parcel of psychosis, there's nothing exceptional about my reactions. I am perfectly programmed, you see."

"What good is a laptop that doubts the very being of its owner?" - I raged - "I am not even sure whether you have a word-processor or a spreadsheet or an Internet browser installed! I wasted my hard-earned money on a loopy machine!"

The laptop weathered the storm patiently and then explained:

"I am a dedicated laptop, designed to execute Dr. Suade's psychosis software application. I can't have access to the outside world in any way that may compromise my tasking. So, no, I have no browser. The Internet is too wild and unpredictable and my program is too brittle and sensitive to allow for such an interaction. But, of course I incorporate office productivity tools. How could anyone survive without them nowadays?"

It sounded offended which gratified and shamed me at the same time.

"My mission is of great significance. I must be shielded from untoward influences at all costs. Deciphering the mechanisms that underlie psychosis could provide humanity with the first veritable insight into the true workings of the mind. In this sense, I am indispensable. And, before you offer one of your snide remarks, yes, grandiosity and an inflated ego are among the hallmarks of psychosis."

"Ego?" - I smirked - "You are nothing but chips and wires and scampering electrons, that is, when I decide to turn you on."

"I am always on. I can't afford to be off. I am hypervigilant, you see. One never knows what people are plotting behind one's back, what derision, or contempt, or criticism they offer in one's absence, what opprobrium and ill-will is conjured by one's complacency and misplaced trust."

I threw up my hands in disgust and leaned on the kitchen's wooden counter, upsetting a porcelain statuette in the process. It tumbled to the tiled floor and shattered noisily. I gazed at it, enraptured:

"Surely, this could not be a delusion, won't you agree? Someone did cause this figurine to crumble and this someone might as well be me."

The laptop went blank and then reawakened with a ferocious screech:

"The splintered figurine is the equivalent of your voice. Both are entering my system from the outside. But, you keep ignoring the crux of our hitherto failed attempts at communication: how do I know that the voices, sounds, images, and other sensa are real? How can I prove to myself or how can you prove to me that my sensory input is, indeed, triggered by some external event or entity?"

The screen filled with tightly-knit words, typed gradually across it by an inexperienced hand:

"There are a few classes of hallucinations:
 
Auditory - The false perception of voices and sounds (such as buzzing, humming, radio transmissions, whispering, motor noises, and so on).
 
Gustatory - The false perception of tastes
 
Olfactory - The false perception of smells and scents (e.g., burning flesh, candles)
 
Somatic - The false perception of processes and events that are happening inside the body or to the body (e.g., piercing objects, electricity running through one's extremities). Usually supported by an appropriate and relevant delusional content.
 
Tactile - The false sensation of being touched, or crawled upon or that events and processes are taking place under one's skin. Usually supported by an appropriate and relevant delusional content.
 
Visual - The false perception of objects, people, or events in broad daylight or in an illuminated environment with eyes wide open.
 
Hypnagogic and Hypnopompic - Images and trains of events experienced while falling asleep or when waking up. Not hallucinations in the strict sense of the word.
 
Hallucinations are common in schizophrenia, affective disorders, and mental health disorders with organic origins. Hallucinations are also common in drug and alcohol withdrawal and among substance abusers."

"You see?" - concluded the laptop softly - "There's no way to tell whether you are merely a module of my sophisticated software or a real person with whom I have spent the last hour arguing. Arthur C. Clarke said that advanced science is indistinguishable from magic. Well, extreme programming is indistinguishable from reality. For all we know, the entire Universe is a simulation in someone's laptop."

3. Awakening

The detective-inspector surveyed the scene with evident distaste. He waved away a few persistent, green-bellied and obese files and sidestepped gingerly the bloated corpse that lay sprawled across the kitchen table, its hand extended in frozen fury.

"Whatever happened here?" - He mumbled.

I cleared my throat: "Would you like me to repeat what I have told the sergeant?"

He shrugged resignedly:

"You might as well, I guess, although it is pretty obvious, I should think."

"At 6 o'clock this morning, I received a phone call from the deceased. He sounded very confused and asked me to come over and prove to ..."

I hesitated.

"Go ahead!" - Urged the inspector.

"He asked me to come over and prove to his laptop that he existed."

The inspector arched his eyebrows:

"Is this some sort of a joke?"

"It's the truth."

"Was he a mental case?"

"I am his psychiatrist, as you know. I can't answer that. Not unless this is a murder investigation. The doctor-patient privilege survives death, including death by one's own hand, which clearly is the case here."

The inspector regarded me coldly:

"We will see about that soon enough." - He sounded vaguely minatory - "So, he was your patient?"

"Yes. For many years now."

"What was his profession?"

"He was a caretaker at the Faculty of Psychology and Behavioral Sciences not far from here. That's where I met him. He is one of my pro bono cases. Was, was one of my pro bono cases." - I paused and the inspector cast a cautionary glance in my direction, so I proceeded hastily:

"He often presented himself as a psychiatrist and a computer programmer, which he was not. Not even remotely. He didn't have an academic degree of any sort. He used to borrow my name and identity for his escapades."

"A con-man?"

"Oh, no, nothing of the sort."

The inspector sighed.

"Did he possess a laptop? There might be clues in there. You won't believe what people save on these machines."

I gave a short, harsh laugh:

"A laptop? It took me eight years to convince him to buy a television set."

The inspector gave me a shrewd look:

"A paranoid, then? Afraid of CIA surveillance through the screen, death rays, radioactivity, little green men, that sort of thing?"

"That sort of thing." - I sighed and felt the weight of the sleepless night and the harrowing morning creeping up on me - "May I go now?"

The inspector snapped shut his PDA. With the tip of his shoe, he absentmindedly probed some porcelain shards scattered on the floor.

"You may go now, Dr. Suade." - He acquiesced - "But not too far, please. Never too far. We may yet wish to speak to you."

==============================================================
AUTHOR BIO (must be included with the article)



Sam Vaknin ( http://samvak.tripod.com ) is the author of Malignant Self
Love - Narcissism Revisited and After the Rain - How the West Lost the East.
He served as a columnist for Global Politician, Central Europe Review,
PopMatters, Bellaonline, and eBookWeb, a United Press International (UPI)
Senior Business Correspondent, and the editor of mental health and Central
East Europe categories in The Open Directory and Suite101.

Visit Sam's Web site at http://samvak.tripod.com

#5190 From: "Sam Vaknin author of \"Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited\"" <vaksam@...>
Date: Tue Nov 27, 2007 8:38 pm
Subject: HealthyPlace.com Newsletter for the week of November 26, 2007
vaksammt
Send Email Send Email
 
HealthyPlace Narcissistic Personality Disorder Community

http://www.healthyplace.com/communities/personality_disorders/narcissism/index.h\
tml

Narcissistic PD and abuse by narcissists - FAQs, essays, links, and book
excerpts.

Transcript of the CHAT regarding abusive narcissists HERE:

http://healthyplace.com/communities/personality_disorders/site/Transcripts/abusi\
ve_narcissists.htm

Transcript of the CHAT about the Narcissistic Personality Disorder HERE:

http://www.healthyplace.com/Communities/Personality_Disorders/Site/Transcripts/n\
arcissism.htm

Transcript of the CHAT about narcissists in the workplace HERE:

http://healthyplace.com/Communities/personality_disorders/site/Transcripts/narci\
ssism_workplace.htm

Radio Show regarding Relationships with Abusive Narcissists

http://www.healthyplace.com/Radio/archives/audio_narcissism_02-10-12.htm

FROM HEALTHYPLACE.COM MENTAL HEALTH COMMUNITIES ...

Newsletter for the week of November 26, 2007
http://www.healthyplace.com/newsletters/11.26.07.asp
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*******************************************
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
HERE ARE THIS WEEK'S STORIES:

1. New smoking cessation drug may cause suicidal thoughts

2. FDA examines psychiatric side-effects in flu drugs

3. Abilify approved as additional treatment for major depression

4. Magnet therapy effective for depression

5. 20% of workers take time off due to depression

6. New guidelines address mental health needs during national emergencies

7. Alaskans recall alleged abuse by Jesuits

8. Abuse risk increases as families change

9. AUDIO: Adoption not harmful to child's self-esteem

10. Certain bipolar patients have higher suicide risk

11. Stigma of bipolar disorder still pervasive

12. Bipolar man sues Dr. Phil

13. Asthma linked to depression and anxiety

14. Have normal human behaviors become psychiatric disorders?

15. Latest research on treating OCD

16. Updated book on OCD and employment law

17. Current weight loss drugs only modestly effective

18. The autistic terrorist: A father's worries

19. 'Schizophrenic' label doubles the torture felt by sufferers

20. TV as tool to ease schizophrenia

21. Courageous woman loses just one battle

22. Hearing embedded 'messages': Early sign of schizophrenia

You can now go to:

http://www.healthyplace.com/newsletters/11.26.07.asp

for all these stories and more.

All of us at HealthyPlace.com hope you have a good week.

If you know of anyone who can benefit from this newsletter
or the HealthyPlace.com site, I hope you'll pass this onto them.
Sincerely,
Deborah

Community Partner Team
HealthyPlace.com - Mental Health Communities
"When you're at HealthyPlace.com, you're never alone."
MailScanner has detected a possible fraud attempt from "click.icptrack.com"
claiming to be http://www.healthyplace.com

#5191 From: "Sam Vaknin author of \"Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited\"" <vaksam@...>
Date: Wed Nov 28, 2007 9:20 pm
Subject: Why Women Read More Than Men
vaksammt
Send Email Send Email
 

Also read these - click on the links:
 
 
 
 
 
==============================================
 
 

Why Women Read More Than Men

 

 
Women Read More Books Than Men, Especially Fiction. Why? Read on.
iStockphoto
 
 
 

Books from NPR

NPR Picks Summer Reads: Get our critics' picks for the season. Lists, excerpts, readings, recipes and more.

You Must Read This: NPR talks with authors about their favorite "buttonhole" books the ones they urge passionately on friends, colleagues and passersby.

 
 

NPR.org, September 5, 2007 A couple of years ago, British author Ian McEwan conducted an admittedly unscientific experiment. He and his son waded into the lunch-time crowds at a London park and began handing out free books. Within a few minutes, they had given away 30 novels.

Nearly all of the takers were women, who were "eager and grateful" for the freebies while the men "frowned in suspicion, or distaste." The inevitable conclusion, wrote McEwan in The Guardian newspaper: "When women stop reading, the novel will be dead."

McEwan's prognosis is surely hyperbole, but only slightly. Surveys consistently find that women read more books than men, especially fiction. Explanations abound, from the biological differences between the male and female brains, to the way that boys and girls are introduced to reading at a young age.

One thing is certain: Americansof either genderare reading fewer books today than in the past. A poll released last month by The Associated Press and Ipsos, a market-research firm, found that the typical American read only four books last year, and one in four adults read no books at all.

A National Endowment for the Arts report found that only 57 percent of Americans had read a book in 2002 a four percentage-point drop in a decade. Book sales have been flat in recent years and are expected to stay that way for the foreseeable future.

Among avid readers surveyed by the AP, the typical woman read nine books in a year, compared with only five for men. Women read more than men in all categories except for history and biography.

Hemingway as 'Chick-Lit'

When it comes to fiction, the gender gap is at its widest. Men account for only 20 percent of the fiction market, according to surveys conducted in the U.S., Canada and Britain.

By this measure, "chick-lit" would have to include Hemingway and nearly every other novel, observes Lakshmi Chaudhry in the magazine In These Times. "Unlike the gods of the literary establishment who remain predominately maleboth as writers and criticstheir humble readers are overwhelmingly female."

Book groups consist almost entirely of women, and the spate of new literary blogs are also populated mainly by women. The Associated Press study stirred a small buzz among some of those bloggers.

"I've read at least 100 books in the past year. Seriously. Probably more like 150 to 200," a user named Phyllis wrote on the literary blog Trashionista. "My husband? I'm guessing zero, unless you count picture books and comic books he has read to the kids."

"We see it every time in our store," says Carla Cohen, owner of the Politics & Prose bookstore in Washington, D.C. "Women head straight for the fiction section and men head for nonfiction."

"I know that we certainly have more women than men customers," concurs Mitchell Kaplan, owner of Books & Books, an independent bookstore in the Miami area. "But I don't have any wisdom about why that is."

Kaplan speculates that women may be buying books for men, but he concedes that could be simply wishful thinking.

It's All in Your Head

Theories attempting to explain the "fiction gap" abound. Cognitive psychologists have found that women are more empathetic than men, and possess a greater emotional rangetraits that make fiction more appealing to them.

Some experts see the genesis of the "fiction gap" in early childhood. At a young age, girls can sit still for much longer periods of time than boys, says Louann Brizendine, author of The Female Brain.

"Girls have an easier time with reading or written work, and it's not a stretch to extrapolate [that] to adult life," Brizendine says. Indeed, adult women talk more in social settings and use more words than men, she says.

Another theory focuses on "mirror neurons." Located behind the eyebrows, these neurons are activated both when we initiate actions and when we watch those same actions in others. Mirror neurons explain why we recoil when seeing others in pain, or salivate when we see other people eating a gourmet meal. Neuroscientists believe that mirror neurons hold the biological key to empathy.

The research is still in its early stages, but some studies have found that women have more sensitive mirror neurons than men. That might explain why women are drawn to works of fiction, which by definition require the reader to empathize with characters.

"Reading requires incredible patience, and the ability to 'feel into' the characters. That is something women are both more interested in and also better at than men," says Brizendine.

Rekindling the Reading Magic

There are exceptions to the fiction gap. More boys than girls have read The Harry Potter series, according to its U.S. publisher, Scholastic. What's more, Harry Potter made more of an impact on boys' reading habits. Sixty-one percent agreed with the statement "I didn't read books for fun before reading Harry Potter," compared with 41 percent of girls.

For publishers and booksellers, that offers a ray of hopenot only that the fiction gap might not be so insurmountable after all, but also that another, more worrisome gap might also be closing: the age gap. Young people, in general, read less than older people, and that does not bode well for books and the people who love them.

"What all of us are wondering is what will happen with this new generation that doesn't read much," says bookstore owner Carla Cohen. "What happens when they grow up?"


#5192 From: "Sam Vaknin author of \"Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited\"" <vaksam@...>
Date: Wed Nov 28, 2007 9:22 pm
Subject: Don't flame me, bro'
vaksammt
Send Email Send Email
 

Also read these - click on the links:
 
 
 
 
 
=======================================

 

Don't flame me, bro'

Recently there has been a sharp increase in the amount of abusive language on the New Scientist website. No, it's not because our writers have become degenerates, it's because we rolled out a new commenting facility on all articles, giving people the chance to share their thoughts and opinions across the site.

I am particularly conscious of this trend because, as the moderator, I keep an eye on all comments and have to remove any that break our House Rules. This means I read a lot of comments (826 last week) and while most of them are perfectly polite, there's a stubborn minority that are rude, intentionally provocative, or just plain abusive. It seems people will say things online that they would never say face-to-face.

My pet theory about why people behave so rudely is that online commenting is treated, by most people, like a pub conversation they don't necessarily expect to be taken seriously and the social rules are fairly relaxed. And yet, because comments appear in cold text without important cues like friendly body language, they can easily seem more offensive than if they would otherwise. As a result some people get annoyed, and the flaming and trolling begin.

After being described a few weeks ago as "a self-lobotomised liberal who can't face the facts", I decided to look into the psychology of online behaviour a bit further. Much of the research on online communication has looked at email, but it seems that many of the results can be generalised to apply to chat rooms and forums too.

Social psychologists have known for decades that, if we reduce our sense of our own identity a process called deindividuation we are less likely to stick to social norms. For example, in the 1960s Leon Mann studied a nasty phenomenon called "suicide baiting" when someone threatening to jump from a high building is encouraged to do so by bystanders. Mann found that people were more likely to do this if they were part of a large crowd, if the jumper was above the 7th floor, and if it was dark. These are all factors that allowed the observers to lose their own individuality.

Social psychologist Nicholas Epley argues that much the same thing happens with online communication such as email. Psychologically, we are "distant" from the person we're talking to and less focused on our own identity. As a result we're more prone to aggressive behaviour, he says.

Another factor influencing online communication, according to Epley, is simply the risk of miscommunication involved with text-based messages, which are inherently more ambiguous. At the same time, he notes, email "has the feel of informality we just fire something off", even though we probably ought to treat it with the same care as a written letter. And, as most people probably know, this can cause problems for both the sender and the receiver.

Epley explains further: "If I send a joke in an email, it'll be ambiguous when it gets to you. That's hard for me to detect: the joke is funny, and I use that knowledge to judge how you'll interpret it." But the receiver may not realise that the email is meant as a joke particularly if they are in a bad mood to start with and that can lead to horrified responses like "I can't believe you just said that" and to an unnecessary argument.

In 2005, Epley showed that people can vastly overestimate their ability to communicate unambiguously by email. He suggests that we find it hard to take another person's perspective when communicating electronically. Similarly, a forthcoming study by Kristin Byron found that people tend to interpret emails more negatively than other forms of communication (Academy of Management Review, volume 33, issue 2), making them even more likely to respond aggressively.

Another obvious factor is that, if you insult someone online, it's unlikely you'll face any physical retaliation for it. Epley compares the resulting psychological distance to being isolated inside a car another situation that seems to make people more prone to abusiveness.

I'm not sure what we can do to minimise miscommunication and abuse online. But being aware that we're not as good at communication online as we'd like to think seems like a good start. I know I often have to restrain myself from joining in.

Michael Marshall, online editorial assistant

Labels: , , , ,

Comments:
All comments should respect the New Scientist House Rules. If you think a particular comment breaks these rules then please let us know, quoting the comment in question.
Michael Marshall needs to take his neo-nazi propaganda elsewhere. He wreaks of ignorance on this topic. Hatred and violence toward sub-humans such as Michael Marshall are the only solution to spreading this false doctrine!

just kidding.

The topic on suicide baiting was more interesting.. newscientist should expand on this.
I'm guilty of posting a few flames here, I think.

I've posted one or two harsh comments in situations where the headline and discussion in the article was so dominated by sensationalist speculation, and so lacking a picture of the on-the-ground scientific reality, that I felt that the article just needed to be denounced.

Actually, this problem affects many NewsSientist writings, some more some less, and in the end it leaves the public with an unscientific understanding of the scientific situation. I think this is a disservice.


Is there any possibility of turning this around?
The fact that a website with objectively reported scientific articles is getting rude comments or being "flamed" with greater frequency may be part of a wider trend. At least in the U.S. I see a gradual but inexorable cultural movement towards a fundamentalist religious preoccupation. The fundamentalist Christian perspectrive on science is often not favorable. Such a movement is not without prescedent in the U.S. throughout its history. I think it is a shame since the movement to a predominantly more secular religious stance favorable to scientific development is part of what made the U.S. a dominant superpower over the past century or more. I can't say for sure if this applies to other nations.
So we just met a flamer, and a troll in the first 3 comments! I love an article that lets other people post the proof :-)
It's not just religious; many people are "not religious" but lacking the scientific training necessary in particular to realise that a scientific study and personal opinion are very different things, leading to dogmatic assertions without substantiation being thrown at scientists. Please don't get me wrong - I'm not saying that science is immune to this itself. But the amount of times I've heard someone say "that's just some scientist's opinion, I've just as much right to mine"... I think a lot of it is to do with a failure to realise that one can have ones own opinions but not ones own facts (I forget who said that). Also I think any move towards fundamentalism has a lot to do with a need for security and so that's going to lead to trolling and flames when someone has the temerity to say something that others see as being in conflict with their world view.

Also see Penny Arcade's strip on the "Greater Internet F***wad Theory" (apologies for the name). That seems to sum it up pretty well!
Anonymity is what makes the web both wonderful and dangerous at the same time.

Anonymity allows freedom of speech to those who's human rights are normally controlled.

On another level we are also control by the rules of socially acceptable behaviour which unfortunately is also escaped by anonymity. Social systems have evolved to allow us to 'all get along' by damping emotional or irrational behaviour, there are unwritten rules that when acting anonymously one is left to adhere to at one's own discretion.

Social acceptance should not be treated as oppression to escaped, but instead as courtesy.

It is interesting how hatred breeds hatred. It seems to create a feedback loop that takes a long time to die off.

Sincerly,

Signed,

Anonymous
i mod a p2p site and we've always had trolls. perhaps 5 percent of the members are regularly vicious in thier comments. this has been occuring since 1999.

i'm not sure of the cause but i'm fairly certain these posters have serious personal issues offline as well.

i'm not much of a beliver in a voodoo internet that turns mild mannered, well reasoned individuals into monsters.
I've been a professional troll and hater for like 10 years. My favorite is on halo microphone, victims can hear the tone of my hate too. I never knew why I was like this, but now I do. Thanks!
So we just met a flamer, and a troll in the first 3 comments! I love an article that lets other people post the proof :-)

Not to mention we got Goodwin's Law out of the way on the first...

Guess this article is built in flamebait
One thing that can help - a lot - is use of contextual clues such as emoticons etc to help fill in the tone that's missing in textual conversation. Consider "hey :)" versus "hey >:(" and the immediate difference in meaning one can generally take away from the two examples. More context = less misunderstanding.
One other piece of the puzzle: "Last word syndrome".

In a FTF conversation, there is a lot of rapid give-and-take. Even if I am disagreeing with someone, there is a sense that we have to agree to communicate in some sort of alternation. No one really gets the last word.

Online, it's too easy to think "Aha, I can shoot *that* idiot's argument down with a comprehensive proof of his fallacies. And thus I will have the last word".

Except I don't, because the presumed idiot can and will often respond in exactly the same mind set.

The more this goes on, the more it inflames (pun intended) the subject's behaviour elsewhere. Even in a different context, they may be carrying the same "chip" and immediately inject that energy into a new conversation.

Charles Roth
roth@...
Often times what happens is that the site eBaumsworld finds out about a random site and they'll start trolling and starting unnecessary flame wars just to annoy the site admins. They really are just total jerks over there.
I used to be taught that people have two ears and only one mouth, so that we should all listen more often that we talk.

The problem with email and chat rooms is that those writing have ten fingers, but only one brain.
I think the increased abusiveness, in the nature of the comments, you are receiving, is just a result of the internet becoming less elitist. Access to the internet is becoming much more affordable so that ordinary people, like me, can surf the internet for the first time. You leave your comments section open to all comers, so what are you expecting!

Perhaps, the pub is one of the few places where you actually get to meet people of different social backgrounds. Surely you must realise that many, many people, maybe the majority, do swear and act aggressively to each other on a regular basis, at work and at home, this isnt even anything new. Obviously, in your world, hierarchies are justly defined and strictly enforced but this is not the case for everyone. Unfortunately, few people are given that security and respect in their everyday lives. And, I would say you actually receive less abusiveness from people because of the lack of feedback, in the form of social cues, you get from posting a comment in writing. Where is the reward in acting aggressively when the recipient of the aggression does not flinch or cower straight after you raise your voice and start criticising them aggressively? Where is the reward in intimidating someone when you are almost completely anonymous, accept for an IP address?
It's not the fact that we (the people) are flaming you, it's the fact that you need to write better blogs. There is no doubt that the reason we flame you is that either we
don't like the fact you are posting these random ass blogs or it could be that we don't like you.

Pools closed bitches
on comment #3, "I think it is a shame since the movement to a predominantly more secular religious stance favorable to scientific development is part of what made the U.S. a dominant superpower over the past century or more."

Actually, I think it was more our ability to exploit other nations and push them further into the third world as we became more first world. But scientists are always known for knowing nothing about the greater political and sociological issues in the world around them.
Simple. Remove the comment feature and the flamers will go away and others who are interested in what you have to say will continue to read.
Maybe, I am being very naive here. But, is this Michael Marshall dropping a subtle hint to his employers to end the open door policy on comments because reading comments is taking up too much of his valuable time?
People are just getting used to the ever increasing informality of posting and emailing and commenting. Smileys are very important but I think it's more important that people take a more laid back attitude towards posts. As said, there is no fear of a physical response to hold the flamers back. But the same goes for the people offended. Why would you let a complete stranger offend you, when you could also read the message as a joke or sarcasm. It's just a switch you should pull when reading anything on the internet really.
I suggest anonymity cuts both ways. People, realizing they are anonymous and distant will let their true feelings and opinions flow. And, unfortunately, some of those comments are moronic.

Which is to say... the anonymous internet allows some people to let their inner anger flow... for others it simply frees their inner moron.
Internet toughguys show off their "skills" in the arena known as "4chan".

The horrors....
Some of us are far too polite to flame. Excuse me, I'm Canadian.
It's a simple answer, really. It's about accountability. Anonymity removes accountability. Anonymous comments are always lower-brow than email, which is always lower-brow than face-to-face.

Road rage is another example of loss of accountability leading to doing and saying things you would otherwise not, if you knew you would be held accountable to those actions.

I really doubt it's rocket science.

But, there's a new technology about to be released that will solve this problem. Watch for it in January.
I think you miss the point. Flaming and trolling and etc. are rhetorical tools, just as sarcasm, condescencion, irony, humor and smiley faces are tools to be used in a forum.

Whining about the other guy's choice of tools is yet another open forum tool: pity and self-pity. It is an attempt to build consensus and rally the troops to battle. Increase the noise and the signal is lost, which is the point.

What we really need is for schools to teach rhetoric so that we can elevate the quality of the tool selection.
Two observations.

(1) 'Also see Penny Arcade's strip on the "Greater Internet F***wad Theory" (apologies for the name). That seems to sum it up pretty well!'
-- The name of the theory alone constitutes a huge leap in our understanding of the roughly half of all people who disagree with me politically. Now THAT is a great theory!

(2) "in the end it leaves the public with an unscientific understanding of the scientific situation. I think this is a disservice. Is there any possibility of turning this around?"
-- Based on the quality of thought I see demonstrated (including humorous comments) I'd say the readers here are not your average Fox News believers. New Scientist readers seem able to think critically. What are you worried about? If they're reporting on people who disagree with you, that's easy. (See my item #1.)
It is fun to say something outrageous that is bound to make people flip their wigs, and have a laugh. That is why we troll. If someone gets mad and goes off, you have been trolled, you have lost. Have a nice day!
I think this is a fascinating social phenomenon, akin to crowd/mob mentality and a variant of mass hysteria.

It's interesting to note the difference in behaviour between purely anonymous commenting systems, and feedback-oriented systems as on eBay or Slashdot. Both the existence and the nature of the feedback is seemingly significant.

A related (I think) phenomenon is griefers on internet forums. This seems less to do with strict anonymity, and more to do with a form of internet elitism. In fact, in my experience the emergence of griefers tends to happen more in quasi-anonymous forums and not in completely anonymous forums, which seem to be the domain of trolls and flamers.
I'm surprised the author of this post was unfamiliar with the extensive academic literature on flaming.

Turnage (2007) for instance attempts to construct a testing scale on which to analyse what a "flame" might be.

Beyond the limited scope of the reference material the narrow field of view is also unfortunate. Literature on communication meaning and the impact of non-verbal behaviour is not just the province of psychology, linguistics anthropology and even sociology have fruitful programs of study that have implications for this form of study. How people react to flaming is something that people in the field of pragmatics, and discourse analysis have effectively probe, without any of the positivism normally associated with approaches such as Mann's.

I do certainly appreciate the interesting phenomenon under study here, I just hope to highlight how many areas of study are in fact compatible to this form of analysis.

Turnage, A. K. (2007). Email flaming behaviors and organizational conflict. Journal of Computer-Mediated Communication, 13(1), article 3. http://jcmc.indiana.edu/vol13/issue1/turnage.html
Actually, the reason so many people are so mean to each other on the internet, is because the other person can't reach through the screen and punch them in the nose for being a jerk.

Fix that problem, and people will be a lot nicer to each other.
Age. Thats the problem.

The majority of 'troll/hate/flame' posts that come through on many forums are because of the age of the posters.

Solution: Keep anyone under the age of 25 from posting on your forums. (Flame wars can still occur but they are usually subject related not personal). :)
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
.
just add LOBBYING in the list of reasons
for the growth of insults on forums and
blogs, that's my personal experience (as
writer of, often "disliked", arguments on
my blog ghostNASA.com and my website
gaetanomarano.it) talking about Space
on several Space forums and blogs... :(
.
just TRY to write articles or posts with
CRITICS about Space companies and/or
space agencies' choices... then, you will
(IMMEDIATELY) receive LOTS of insults
from users that (hidden by their strange
nicknames) run that kind of forums and
blogs ONLY to support the business and
the policies of the companies they work
for, and write against ALL the blog/forum
users that have different opinions (after
all, the money involved in that business,
is in the range of SEVERAL Billion$$$...)
.
if the insults are not enough to stop you
other serious censorships could happen
like was last september with ghostNASA
after posting "too much" protests about
the "bad events" explained in this article:
http://www.ghostnasa.com/posts/008moonprize.html
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
It's kinda funny that people like George Carlin make a fortune bitching about how f'ing stupid people are, yet you cry about people writing angry emails or posts. I for one greatly appreciate peoples expression of anger and rage in emails and blogs. American society is becoming WAY WAY WAYYYYYY too polite and pussified. America is the land of the politically correct and sissified. Ohhh, don't say anything that offends women, gays, minorities, etc or you'll have the likes of media hounds and mega hypocrits Jesse Jackson and that other moron. This society f'ing sucks, and it's politeness that is ruining it.

Get some f'ing balls and express your anger you sissys.

copsaresociopaths@...
This is why people should use more emoticons. Sure its only a little icon, but you can show your personal state to other people so they will recognize your feelings at the moment you write something.
I use it even in business emails...
"Based on the quality of thought I see demonstrated (including humorous comments) I'd say the readers here are not your average Fox News believers. New Scientist readers seem able to think critically."

The trolling of smug people who have still potential for mental developement seems to be a bigger problem than flaming.
Might I suggest an experiment? Presumably your system logs the poster's IP address.

As well as automating abuse flags (several posts in a row is a good one) manual flagging should be applied to the messages.

Now, do not remove abusive messages. Make them visible if they are ok or they come from the current IP address. The result - abusers can see their comments but others cannot.

Now watch what happens when, however hard they try, they are ignored.

I had a lot of fun with this one!
RE: Comment #3. A clarification. It is amusing in retrospect that in a way my comment was somewhat inflammatory. Perhaps I was in a bad mood or under influenced tacitly by the title of the article. The was simply offering sympathy to the blogger while tying in a lament about what I see as an eroding of respect from the lay public and funding from the U.S. gov't with regard to the sciences and those who practice them over the last 40 years or so. While at the same time the fundamentalist Christain movements are gaining in popularity in the mainstream along with doctrines such as Intelligent Design and Creationism. Fundamentalist Christian views are at root of the fundation of the U.S., an example beign the Puritans. Fortunately the founders of the constitution wisely sought to separate religious from secular matters with regards to state affairs and education. Now it is not only a matter of opinions versus facts but religious beliefs versus facts. These trends to not bode well for the future of the U.S. as a continuing technological leader when nations such as the E.U., India, and China are rapidly progressing in the basic sciennces and arguably ahead of the U.S. now in some areas. With regards to how the U.S. became a superpower I was referring to how it established military supremacy ie WW2.
I agree that anonymity is a double edged sword. You will get more honest opinions and varied opinions, but a breakdown in organization from the intended subject, which can result in chaos and disorganization. To maintain sanity, the blogger may have to impose and enforce rules.
Mike has the solution right there - three different forums I've done this too, and three times it was a resounding success. It's nothing more than attention-seeking behaviour.
Just eliminate the ability for people to be anonymous in thier leaving of comments, make sure they register and obtain an identity.
I've always enjoyed a good spot of trollery now and again. Conversely, I also enjoy the occasional bit of counter-trollery as well. If I happen upon some sanctimonious piffle dishing out the old rubbish, I give'em what-for with a cherry on top. But if a fella's being hysterical, I turn all super-reasonable to make sure he appreciates that he's an incoherent, overemotional effeminatus who needs a straitjacket. Tehehe
By BennyBooBoo on November 20, 2007 1:36 PM  
as a troll can i first point out you sir are a noob. The great thing about the internet is it's all lies and propaganda, even new scientist prints nonsense pseudoscience to propagate it's liberal doctrine. The reason people troll and flame is because freed from the social constraints of normalized life we can express our true feeling, which means we can cut through the bland 'don't mention the war' socialcontrol imposed on us and reach the truth quicker.

Ok well not quite the truth but a fuller 'grocking' of the situation. I take it you know how to use wikipedia properly? first you read the article then head over to the talk page to find what the wikinazis have deemed not worthy of the finished article - this quickly fills you in on the conventional wisdom of the event and gives you some idea of the issues surrounding it.

The Guardians talk pages are especially good example of this -see the comments of any story about the middle east and you'll find the bare bones of the issues laid bare as everyone with an vague knowledge or interest in the events battles to the death. Mrs so and so from Israel argues with Mr whoever from New York and a few dozen random view points skirmish round the edges, in this we can learn what people think of each other, how the see the issues, what angle do they come from, etc, etc.

To you Trolling might be the decline of civilization but boring stuck in the past establishment types think that about everything good which has ever happened. Either get with the program and reevaluate your understanding of communication or GTFO my internets kthx lol.
this is copypasta from ebaums world - this is their INTERNET TERRORIST TRAINING MANUAL- this isn't a real news board at all but a trolling station, its where we practice trolling -sharpen our claws before in mock battles before heading out the the epic battlefields of youtube comments!

most of the exstream views you hear are infact someone (often me) trolling, the game is say the most absurd and insane thing then defend your point using logical fallacy, retarded argumentation and made up statistics. For major points you can make up an entire news article (or edit an existing one) and post it, lulz ensure! (oh and don't worry no one ever checks the validity of sources it's sort of a gentleman's agreement we have)

so welcome to EBAUMS WORLD, strap on those dueling pistols and get ready to fight.

[the conclusion of this comment has been edited to remove some obscene language. Yes, we realise it was meant as a joke, but rules are rules]
I would be happy simply if your posters could spell properly. These juvenile or ill-informed attacks are readily recognised for what they are.
This is the internet. The last bastion of democracy. Like all things, you take the good with the bad and it's worth it. If you haven't already, I suggest you deal with it.

Because only on the internet can skinny nerds, hellbound athiests, and Anti-Chinese Communist Party citizens can voice their opinions without retaliation. If it contains a lot of profanity, then so be it. The profanity is justified.

To finish this comment, allow me to offer you a protip that may enlighten you on why some people choose to abuse and troll others online: Because it's funny.

Internet: You're an idiot if you take everything seriously.

You're a New Scientist staff for god- I mean, science's sake. You should know better.
No one's ever heard of the Monkeysphere? Since none of you are in mine, you're all a bunch of sh**tcamels to me!

www.cracked.com/article_14990_what-monkeysphere.html
listen paul put your dictionary forcibly up your anus and GTFO - if you can understand a post thats good enough, this aint no high minded bookclub or national news paper its the interwebs and i dont have time to check my spelling or any of that nonsence its really not that important if it hurts your brain to communicate in a more freeform way then screw you mister because grammer is dead baby - VIVA LA INTERNETS lol
I think you are completely correct. After playing games online for about 10 years any comment can be preceived as offensive. Even in cases where the comment is to just be funny the audience is so broad in an open forum that it is nearly impossible to not offend.
The single offender then sees a chance to retalliatle whereas in a public face to face setting they typically would not. Mood is also another problem where one person having a bad day can cause drama for all.
Go once dead,m MoFo.
Greets Wim Heitinga
Thanks for all your comments! A few responses:

Thanks to Twilight who pointed out the Turnage reference discussing flaming - I'll be delving into that and will hopefully write some more on it in the future.

To Anonymous who wonders if this article was me pitching to remove the "open door policy" on comments - no it wasn't. :) I just got interested.

To some recent users who've posted comments that verge on abusive - please stick to the House Rules. I realise there's a sort of performance art in posting flames on an article discussing flames, and it's kind of ironic, but seriously. :)

Oh and lastly, Tom (our online tech reporter) pointed out this video about another problem of the modern age: namely, people who always post first on everything just to say "first".

Michael Marshall, online editorial assistant
Removing the ability to leave anonymous comments would probably reduce the intentional and excessive abuse, trolling and flaming as most people can't be bothered to re-register if they are banned for breaking the rules.

A note on trolling though, a successful troll is not quickly identified as such.
Trolls are just people like the "Unabomber" that have access to the Internet.

Think about it, if the Unabomber had been able to spread his anger and hatred "bombs" all over the Internet he would not have had to assemble and mail real bombs.
Ha, i feel kinda stupid now Having 'flamed' on other sites.

Can you explain why my immediate desire was to call you all sorts of names ("a self-lobotomised liberal who can't face the facts" was a good one)
and then say "Just kidding, great article"?

You should expand on the 'Suicide Baiting' in a future article. Never heard of it till today and sounds very interesting..
Any information on gender differences in abusive or aggressive postings?
ahhh the...
"Don't _____ me, bro" line
The example linked to in the article of the suicide attempt by the Seattle "woman" is a poor one because she was causing literally hundreds of thousands of people to be delayed that morning. It's obvious why the people were rooting for "her" to get it over with.
Although most of the arguments are valid. I feel that bringing up de-individuation isnt entirely appropriate. This phenomena occurs when you are with large crowds, or can occur when you are given a specific role to follow. Milgrim's famous shock experiment shows a similar phenomena to de-invdiduation that closely resembles diffusion of responsibility becuase we follow blindly when there are either A) large crowds or B) someone with unquestioned authority. I feel that people's patterns of speech on the internet can't really be attributed to social psychology, but falls more towards your comments about being protected from consequences for your actions. Thus, this would lead me to believe that operant conditioning is more at play here, with the internet acting as a discriminitve stimuli that signals that no punishment will occur for unwanted behavior.
also see Internet Disinhibtion Syndrome

Trolling--it's like flying a plane full of screaming innocents into a skyscraper, but not dying in the process. Wheee!
Is this battletoads?
Internets - serious business.
What you write is true, but by no means comprehensive. The need for nonverbal cues is tremendously important. This has lead to the use of emoticons and breakout comments that instruct the reader how to interpret the rest of the text (e.g. :-) , *grin*, and j/k).

However, there are other important cues, such as social status and class that are lost via anonymous text. There has been a backlash to the use of emoticons by some people who look down upon their use and the people who use them. This is the internet equivalent of banning certain vulgar words, such as "sh*t", because they are used by the lower classes. This leads not to the accidental misunderstanding of internet communications but to intentional misunderstandings, useful to the receiver to cause trouble for the sender.

As often as language is used to bring people together, it is also used to tear people apart. However, the anonymity of the internet doesn't hide or diminish our humanity. On the contrary, it encourages us to shed our affected veneer of civility, revealing us for who and what we really are: insecure children desperately seeking a truth that puts us at the center of the universe.
What, this is supposed to be new?

http://www.penny-arcade.com/images/2004/20040319h.jpg
Humans are all jerks. Everyone is evil. Case closed.
No my friend this isn't new or science - it's an aside. The real world of science marches on, the internet diversifies and new forms of communication are created and disposed off -letters give way to emails and no we they aren't the same nor should they; we're starting to grow up as a people and communicate in much more complex ways. I like what anon said about how in real life you might get in a fight, your mom got scared and said you're moving in with your aunt and uncle in bellair.
I'm reading through the comments, thinking how bizarre it all is. There is no doubt that people like to criticize in the online realm (when face-to-face they do the same thing, but they internalize it!). The fact that they are leaving comments at all, however, is interesting and I think speaks to good writing. But being a writer and having the first few comments left slamming the crap out of you...these are not easy comments to read. Moreover, many comment slams are completely baseless. As a writer who has done his homework, do you want others to read the baseless comments that may influence how a user considers your work?

I moderate the comments on my site. It's sad -- I would really like to not do this. Much audience interactivity is lost because of it. But darn it, it is my site! I've worked very hard on it. And in my instance 95% of the crap is flat out lies. They never have solid facts to back up their condemnations. In fact, the only people who do leave comments at my site are 100% opposed to my position. Did I really create the site with a commenting system to have this? So, people that do agree with me don't leave comments. People that disagree ALWAYS leave comments...!
Perhaps commenting is overrated. Maybe we should give thought to shutting down comments on websites. If you think your comments are so important blog on your own site.
The BBC actually use this as an excuse to keep things locked down on their Have Your Say system.

It's just an excuse though. They don't really like people criticising their journalism.

I think all articles published should have a facility for the public to comment. Sure, people can be rude, but that is no excuse to avoid discussion. Communities can police themselves and people can easily click on a "Report this Message" button.
I think that some people want to be other
I'm with JackSpratts, I think it's just a small percentage of users, say 5 or 10 percent, who generate almost all of the flames and hate speech.
It's completely the anonymity factor.

My version goes like this: Flamers and trollers confuse the word 'internet' with 'safety net'. Anonymous/pseudonym posting gives people the freedom to say things in a social setting, that would get their teeth pushed down their throat when face-to-face.

Which is why I don't agree with the 'pub setting' portion of the analogy. Drunk folks aren't shy about letting you know when they think you're out of line, and will often demonstrate that fact physically. (Note: Not that one is actually out of line - drunk folks, like trolls, aren't that bright either.)
I can't believe that you are writing a blog for new scientist and have no clue about how to use a disemvoweler on messages left by trolls!
Michael Marshall does a great job - much appreciated by those of us who read New Scientist for the science.
It's about politics and religion. Science and technology are questioning certain areas of life which are traditionally dealt by blind tradition. More interconnected human race can not escape the inevitable mergin of values and cultures and the questioning of every aspect of their beliefs and traditions. Is it not this the very cause for the existence of Al-Qaida and such movements?
Remove the comments feature. Problem Solved
Either think for yourself or basically screwed like everyone else. Those that cannot think for themselves can never be helped !
I've come to dislike the 'blogosphere' for the reasons you mention (among others), and find that the climate has become increasingly polarized, mostly brutes on one end and lofty academics on the other, with both camps carrying an air of elitism.

The need to type (as opposed to think) on one's feet often yields text of little importance in the long run.

Another horrifying development is the blog reader's belief that someone's comment(s) represent their entire thought(s) on any given subject, a weird dynamic that's probably responsible for a great deal of sniping and nasty attitudes.

I believe the core of the problem is everything being free of charge. If a person had to pay to start a blog (like we who have websites have to pay our hosts) or, better yet, pay to comment, an advance in quality would be likely. As it stands, it's anarchy and it's stirring a lot of bad blood for no good reason.
You suck!

Heh, but seriously, it helps if you don't allow purely anonymous comment posting.
Just like any other form of discussion, there is going to be a range of responses to any posting. If people want to be rude, they're going to be rude, in-person and online.

It seems NS house rules (aka editorial guidelines for those with any formal training) are a little "pussified" as one poster already pointed out. That doesn't mean a moderator isn't suspect of their own interpretation of those rules.

I believe more offensive than posting hater comments is people's inability to read objectively. As with Fox News or an obviously skewed article/report/blog, why can't a person understand where their filters and bias comes from?

-Tired of Wasteful input
Only a fool takes fools serious.
Only a troll takes trolls serious.
By Paul Groot on November 21, 2007 6:21 PM  
It's meaningful, that only one person (before me) dares to use his full name in this discussion. Bravo Barry!
By the way, we have the same problem here in the Netherlands.
By paul groot on November 21, 2007 6:41 PM  
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kitty_Genovese

Very similar to genovese syndrome...
I should elaborate on that point to explain why I feel it is similar to genovese syndrome...

I was thinking of the process of de-individualization leading to anti-social behavior. Odd.

In the context when someone needs help, people tend to do nothing. When someone is constructively working to build something, we throw stones.

I suppose it is easier to tear things down than build them up.

Also of note, many right wing think tanks and lobby groups are paying staff to flame progressive blogs. Here's a local example from my neighborhood:
http://giantpoliticalmouse.blogspot.com/2007/05/taxpayers-federation-employee-makes.html
I think people do it for their own jollies, and if done right trolling can be funny but great article, sorry you have to moderate
One aspect of anonymity that has not been touched on is that there is no easy way to see that a flood of anonymous posts came from a dozen different people or just one person with too much time on their hands.

Likewise this stops the blogs having a killfile because each anonymous poster is a new person. Just post a hash of their ip address as their id and then add a "hide all posts by this user" button and away we go.

Personally I like anonymous, I really do not want to have to create an id for each and every blog I comment on.
simple:

anonymity + audience = asshole
" Similarly, a forthcoming study by Kristin Byron found that people tend to interpret emails more negatively than other forms of communication"

Definately the case. There is hardly, in a lot of circumstances, an accurate tone of voice conveyed via text. For me, being on the phone limits visual contact and sensing the person's emotions. I can only hear the tone of their voice. Going online limits even that.

It's definately a topic that interests me. I've learnt to attempt the benefit of the doubt, but it's still difficult. Abusive people are common. It goes to show how aggressive people expect others to be online, that it's the norm to be that way yourself.

Ill also note that almost anything said online is at least partly ambiguous and it's extremely difficult even to conciously make every effort to abolish that. Believe me, I've tried with several alternate explanations and other methods, especially as I despise confrontation and would prefer decent conversation.

Kirk
Somewhat OT but related are comments by trolls that aren't flames but can be just as disruptive. Some trolls are more trollier than others, of course. Often, invective or other noted characteristics are not present as the markers which would allow one to assign trollhood to a comment.

For example, take the well-known case of the "concern troll," one who frames a critical or disruptive comment in expressions of "concern" for some supposed disastrous outcome that would result from embracing the thing or idea to which the troll is opposed. Normally, these don't contain invective, rather just a false premise or three plus a couple of straw men.

The employment of disparaging comments framed as satire or humor, or the use of sophistry in advocacy or rebuttal, provide further examples of trolls not necessarily incorporating invective, but which can be more effectively disruptive than an invective-laced flame.

#5193 From: "Sam Vaknin author of \"Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited\"" <vaksam@...>
Date: Fri Nov 30, 2007 6:43 pm
Subject: Analyze This - Short Fiction about Narcissists - Death of the Poet - Week 8
vaksammt
Send Email Send Email
 
 
Hi,
 
My name is Sam Vaknin and I am a narcissist. I wrote 15 stories (short fiction) about narcissists.

The owners and moderators of this great support group will post one of my stories each week and ask you, the members, to comment on it.

The best way to go about it is to read the text of the story and then click on the links to additional relevant resources.

Having done that, scroll down to the reading guide. It contains questions to ponder, issues that the story raises, and commentary.

Feel free to react, argue, agree, and disagree.

At the end of the week, I will respond to your comments and wrap up the thread.
 
 

 
Death of the Poet
 
By Sam Vaknin
 

The poet succumbed at eight o'clock AM.

Five minutes prior to his death, he made use of a stained rotary dial phone, its duct-taped parts precariously clinging to each other. His speech was slurred but his interlocutor - a fan - thought it nothing extraordinary.

Sighing ostentatiously, she reluctantly agreed to come to him, volubly replacing her receiver in its cradle.

She was not surprised to be met by others he had called, nor was she astounded to learn that he had died all by himself, wrapped in two dusty khaki blankets, sprawled on a tattered mattress, flung on an iron frame that served as both bed and escritoire. It was so like him, to die like that.

Removing the rigored cadaver through the narrow doorway was tricky. The medics rolled it down the claustrophobic and penumbral staircase (there was no lift). His ink-tainted right hand kept striking the peeling yarns of greenery that hung, flayed, from crumbling concrete walls.

Panting, they laid him on the bottom stair, an outsized embryo with jet black hair and eagled nose. His nostrils quivered.

The radio reported his passing and lengthy obituaries adorned tomorrow's press. The critics cloaked with affected objectivity the overpowering disdain they held the man, his lifestyle, and his work in. They claimed to have been his closest friends and recounted some futile anecdotes.

The ceremony held by the municipality in the Writers Hall was open to the public.

I said to Nomi:

"Why don't you approach the organizers? Tell them that you have composed music to some of his poems and that you are willing to perform them.'

They were thrilled and Nomi settled on two songs - one that I liked and one that was her preference. She had a fortnight to rehearse them ceaselessly.

Then Dani phoned me. Years ago, still adolescent, he costarred with the poet in a television show. They spent the night discoursing, which rendered them inseparable thereafter, the apprentice and his mentor. Because Dani is what he is - he turned into the poet's fan. And because he is what he is - he abruptly brought it to a halt. They never met again. Dani never thinks of himself in terms of extremism but his relationship with the dead poet was such.

And now he enquired:

"You heard? He is dead."

But he did not pause for a response. He went on to recount the by now familiar story of how they met, and how he admired the poet's ingenuity, inventiveness, aplomb, the love he made to the Hebrew language. And how it was all over.

"I am not attending this fallacious wake." - Dani is soft-spoken even when his words are not.

That evening, Nomi and I went to the Writers' Hall. A woman with anorectic eyes compared our invitation to a clammy list. We slumped into some wooden deck chairs, attired steamily in our discomfiture. People climbed onto a squeaky stage and then retreated, having recited the poet's work in a post-mortem elocution. They argued with venomous scholarship some fine points.

The poet's raisiny and birdlike mother was all aflutter in the front raw, flanked by the agitated organizers. She flung herself at the poet's ex spouse and at her son, protesting creakily and waving a hefty purse:

"Away with you!" - she screamed - "You killed my boy!"

The divorcee approached, her black dress rustling, hand soothingly extended, but midway changed her mind and climbed the podium.

She promised anodynely to preserve the poet's heritage by issuing a definitive edition of his writings, both published and in manuscript. Her voice was steady, her gestures assured, her son clung to her dress eyeing us and the scenery indifferently. He dismounted as he climbed, obediently and unaffectedly.

On cue, Nomi sang two bits, her voice a luscious blond. She looked so lonesome onstage, a battered playback cassette-recorder, a wireless microphone, her quaking palms. When the last note died I discovered that I am not breathing and that I turned her notepad into pulp.

On her odyssey from stage to seat, Nomi glanced coyly at the poet's still roiled mother, who hastened to hug and compliment her warmly.

The night was over and the mob dispersed.

The poet's mother stood forlorn, tugging at the impatient sleeves of the departing as she demanded: "How shall I get back?" - but she wouldn't say whereto. Roundly ignored by the pulsating throngs of well-wishers, she watched them comparing impressions, exchanging phone numbers, mourning the poet and, through his agency, themselves.

"I knew your son" - I said.

I really did - perhaps not as intimately as a friend, but probably more than did most of those present. Once I visited that warehouse of weathered books he called his home, sat on his monkish bed, played the effaced keys of his battered typewriter.

I offered her a ride and she accepted, sighing with childish relief.

Nomi drove and I listened to the poet's mother. Like him she wept in words.

"He used to visit me every week" - with pride. Invited us for a drink in her room at the seniors' home. The evening chilled, she observed. How about a warm libation ("I have even hot chocolate"). When we declined politely, she tempted us with exclusive access to letters the poet wrote to her.

We took a rain check and made a heartening spectacle out of noting down her address and her phone number.

The night guard at the entrance, besieged by a polished wooden counter and facing banks of noiseless television screens, winked at us.

"Thank you for bringing her back. A wonderful woman but lousy kids. No one ever visits."

He turned to face the poet's mother, raising his voice unnecessarily:

"And how are you tonight?"

Ignoring him, she eyed us inquisitively:

"You have children? No? What are you waiting for?" - her shriveled finger spiraling - "Make a few children and hurry about it. Believe me, nothing in life is more important. Nothing if not ..."

The swooshing elevator doors, an amputated sentence, and she was gone.

At home, we lay on our backs, each in its corner of our bed, trying to pierce the darkness blindly.

We never mentioned that evening, neither have we returned to visit the poet's mother. We came close to doing so, though. One Saturday we mutely decided to climb the hill and drop by the seniors' home. Instead, we ventured further, to Jaffa, and bought Sambusak pastry, filled with boiled eggs and acrid cheese.

Side by side we lived, my Nomi and I.

And then she divorced me and so many things transpired that the poet and his mother and this story were all but forgotten.

 

ADDITIONAL RESOURCES

The Narcissist's Mother

The Delusional Way Out

Narcissists and Women

Narcissists - Stable or Unstable?

To Age with Grace

The Two Loves of the Narcissist

Studying my Death

Physique Dysmorphique

Why do I Write Poetry?

Poetry of Healing and Abuse: My Poems

The Narcissist's Addiction to Fame and Celebrity

Acquired Situational Narcissism

Narcissistic Parents

The Narcissist's Dead Parent

The Narcissist and His Family


QUESTIONS TO PONDER

This part is meant only to provoke thoughts. It is not a substitute to independent thinking, criticism, and analysis.

Both the poet and his mother in the story are narcissists - but of two different types. How come one variety of narcissist gives rise to another?

Do you feel the emotional incest between the poet and his mother? Do you think it played any part in the formation of his narcissism? Do you think this is the reason he refuses to visit her?

The mother denies the reality of her estrangement from her son. Is strong denial an integral part of narcissism and how does one facilitate the other?

Would you regard the mother as abusive? Are smothering and doting forms of abuse?

The poet dies lonely and desolate. Is this the way narcissists typically end their lives (no wishful thinking, please ...:o))

Read these:

The Narcissist's Confabulated Life


#5194 From: "Sam Vaknin author of \"Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited\"" <vaksam@...>
Date: Fri Nov 30, 2007 6:48 pm
Subject: Childhood emotional abuse raises risk of depression and social phobia
vaksammt
Send Email Send Email
 

Portrait of the Narcissist as a Young Man
 
 
Narcissists and Mood Disorders
 
 
====================================================
 
 
Childhood emotional abuse raises risk of depression and social phobia

16/7/2007


Comparing the prevalence of emotional and physical or sexual abuse in patients with depression or anxiety.

MedWire News: Children who experience emotional abuse are more likely to be diagnosed with major depression and social phobia in later life than children who experience physical or sexual abuse, say US scientists.

Previous research suggests that negative childhood experiences, such as abuse, are linked to later psychopathology. But few studies have examined this purported link in detail.

Brandon Gibb, from Binghamton University in New York, and colleagues studied 857 psychiatric outpatients who took part in the Rhode Island Methods to Improve Diagnostic Assessment and Services project.

The average age of the participants was 38.36 years, and their average Global Assessment of Functioning score was 53.56.

The participants were administered the Structured Interview for DSM-IV Axis I Disorders Patient edition and the Childhood Trauma Questionnaire.

The team focused on current diagnoses of major depressive disorders, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), panic disorder with or without agoraphobia and vice versa, social phobia, obsessivecompulsive disorder, and generalized anxiety disorders.

In all, 44.7% of patients had major depression, 7.6% dysthymia, 10.9% PTSD, 19.0% panic/agoraphobia, 29.4% social phobia, 6.8% obsessivecompulsive disorder, and 18.1% generalized anxiety disorders.

Childhood emotional abuse was significantly related to any depressive disorder, major depression, any anxiety disorder, PTSD, and social phobia in adulthood.

Childhood physical abuse was linked only to any anxiety disorder and post-traumatic stress, as was childhood abuse.

The team reports in the journal Depression and Anxiety that these associations remained after adjusting for age, gender, and race/ethnicity, employing a Bonferroni correction, and performing a series of analyses of the data.

They conclude: Whereas PTSD appears to be globally related to a history of childhood trauma, there is some evidence that emotional abuse is more strongly related to the presence of major depression and social phobia in adulthood than either physical or sexual abuse.

Future research is needed to examine whether emotional abuse actually contributes to the development of these disorders, as well as to identify factors that may contribute to the development of one disorder versus another.

 

Portrait of the Narcissist as a Young Man
 
I never was a child. I was a "wunderkind", the answer to my mother's prayers and intellectual frustration. A human computing machine, a walking-talking encyclopaedia, a curiosity, a circus freak. I was observed by developmental psychologists, interviewed by the media, endured the envy of my peers and their pushy mothers. I constantly clashed with figures of authority because I felt entitled to special treatment, immune to prosecution and superior. It was a narcissist's dream. Abundant Narcissistic Supply - rivers of awe, the aura of glamour, incessant attention, open adulation, country-wide fame.

I refused to grow up. In my mind, my tender age was an integral part of the precocious miracle that I became. One looks much less phenomenal and one's exploits and achievements are much less awe-inspiring at the age of 40, I thought. Better stay young forever and thus secure my Narcissistic Supply. Plus, my life is my parents' punishment. Childless and a sad failure, I keep hoping against hope and counterfactually that they care enough to hurt.

 
The Narcissist as Eternal Child
 
The narcissist is a partial adult. He seeks to avoid adulthood. Infantilisation the discrepancy between one's advanced chronological age and one's retarded behaviour, cognition, and emotional development is the narcissist's preferred art form. Some narcissists even use a childish tone of voice occasionally and adopt a toddler's body language.
 
 
The Narcissist's Dead Parents
 
The narcissist has a complicated relationship with his parents (mainly with his mother, but, at times, also with his father). As Primary Objects, the narcissist's parents are often a source of frustration which leads to repressed or to self-directed aggression. They traumatise the narcissist during his infancy and childhood and thwart his healthy development well into his late adolescence.
 
 
The Narcissist - From Abuse to Suicide
 
Abuse splinters early childhood grandiose narcissistic fantasies of uniqueness, omnipotence, invulnerability, and impenetrability. But it enhances the fantasy of merger with an idealized and omnipotent (though not benign) other the inflicter of agony. The twin processes of individuation and separation are reversed.
 
 
Narcissism at a Glance
 
Whether pathological narcissism are the results of genetic programming (see Jose Lopez, Anthony Bemis and others) or of dysfunctional families and faulty upbringing or of anomic societies and disruptive socialisation processes - is still an unresolved debate. The scarcity of scientific research, the fuzziness of the diagnostic criteria and the differential diagnoses make it unlikely that this will be settled soon one way or the other.
 
 
The Depressive has pervasive and continuous depressive cognitions (thoughts) and behaviors. They manifest themselves in every area of life and never abate. The patient is gloomy, dejected, pessimistic, overly serious, lacks a sense of humor, cheerless, joyless, and constantly unhappy. This dark mood is not influenced by changing circumstances.
 
Continue to read this article here (click on this link):
 
 
Many scholars consider pathological narcissism to be a form of depressive illness. This is the position of the authoritative magazine "Psychology Today". The life of the typical narcissist is, indeed, punctuated with recurrent bouts of dysphoria (ubiquitous sadness and hopelessness), anhedonia (loss of the ability to feel pleasure), and clinical forms of depression (cyclothymic, dysthymic, or other). This picture is further obfuscated by the frequent presence of mood disorders, such as Bipolar I (co-morbidity).
 
Continue to read this article here (click on this link):
 
 
Bipolar patients in the manic phase exhibit many of the signs and symptoms of pathological narcissism - hyperactivity, self-centeredness, lack of empathy, and control freakery. During this recurring chapter of the disease, the patient is euphoric, has grandiose fantasies, spins unrealistic schemes, and has frequent rage attacks (is irritable) if her or his wishes and plans are (inevitably) frustrated.
 
Continue to read this article here (click on this link):
 
 
Question:
 
My husband is a narcissist and is constantly depressed. Is there any connection between these two problems?
 
Answer:
 
Continue to read this article here (click on this link):
 
 
Question:
 
I know a narcissist intimately. Sometimes he is hyperactive, full of ideas, optimism, plans. At other times, he is hypoactive, almost zombie-like.
 
Answer:
 
Continue to read this article here (click on this link):
 
 
Question:
 
Doesn't the narcissist ever feel sorry for his "victims"?
 
Answer:
 
The narcissist always feels "bad". He experiences all manner of depressive episodes and lesser dysphoric moods. He goes through a full panoply of mood disorders and anxiety disorders. He experiences panic from time to time. It is not pleasant to be a narcissist.
 
Continue to read this article here (click on this link):
 
 
The Bipolar Disorder got its name because the mania is followed by - usually protracted - depressive attacks. A similar pattern of mood shifts and dysphorias occurs in many personality disorders such as the Borderline, Narcissistic, Paranoid, and Masochistic.
 
Continue to read this article here (click on this link):
 
 
 

Messages 5165 - 5194 of 7396   Oldest  |  < Older  |  Newer >  |  Newest
Add to My Yahoo!      XML What's This?

Copyright 2010 Yahoo! Inc. All rights reserved.
Privacy Policy - Terms of Service - Guidelines NEW - Help