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#3958 From: "Sam Vaknin" <palma@...>
Date: Thu Sep 1, 2005 10:30 am
Subject: Helping Battered Women
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http://www.aaets.org/article58.htm


Helping Battered Women
Michael K. Gilbertson, Ph.D., B.C.E.T.S.


Introduction

Violence is an increasing problem in our society. Police and social
scientists have long been concerned with the level of violence in
our streets. Juvenile specialists have noted the link between
violence at home and the increased likelihood of adolescent crime.
Of the adults that the courts have remanded to me for treatment, the
majority have come from emotionally or physically abusive homes.
Even witnessing violence can leave emotional scars as deep as being
the recipient of violence.

In this social context, battered women deserve a special focus. The
battered women themselves are of course the primary victims. But the
secondary victims are their children. Boys who witness their mothers
being battered are more likely to commit acts of violence
themselves. Girls who observe domestic violence are more likely to
tolerate abusive partners as adults, thus subjecting another
generation to the same sad dynamics.

So, how do we intervene? The answer is related to questions that
colleagues and I have often asked ourselves and each other: Why do
battered women tolerate the abuse for so long before seeking help?
And why, even after receiving help, do they so often return to their
abusive partners?

In her ethnographic study, Patricia Gagne (1992) writes of Leah and
her abusive husband Andy. After years of violence at Andy's hands,
Leah left. A shelter worker helped her relocate. But after several
months she returned to Andy. "You know, with everything in my heart
and soul I did not want to come back, and why I did I really don't
know" (p. 409). This paper proposes some answers to Leah's question.
As the problem is multifaceted, likewise, the answers are complex.
These women are not helped sufficiently, in part because focus at
the ecological levels of the state and the community reduces focus
on the individual. The reasons for this inadequate response involve
the theoretical constructs of status, sexism, and (failure to
consider) how systems interact. Systems' interaction explains how
victim behavior and social perceptions interact to keep even helpful
emphasis off the victims. Systems' interaction also specifically
acknowledges mutually interactive aspects of attachment theory and
the biochemistry of trauma--received or witnessed.

Understanding the Problem

Bell and Jenkins (1993) reveal the staggering amount of violence in
contemporary American inner cities. Equally disturbing to these
authors was the amount of life-threatening violence that Black
youths witnessed. They were growing up amid victimization of
alarming proportions. Not surprisingly, they found that the effects
of witnessing violence were cumulative and that perpetration of
violence by the youth was related to the violence witnessed.

Increasingly, researchers are recognizing that an environment of
chronic violence and its perceived dangers causes many children to
adapt in dysfunctional ways. The maladaptive patterns are usefully
understood within the framework of Posttraumatic Stress Disorder
(PTSD), (Garbarino, 1992), a point to which I will return later. As
I noted earlier, girls who witness battering grow up, in
disproportionate numbers, tend to be abused themselves (Waites,
1993). Another way of viewing this is that people who have been
directly or indirectly victimized are likely to be victimized again
(McFarlane & van der Kolk, 1996).

So, clearly, one point of intervention to break this cycle of
violence would involve interrupting domestic violence against women.
In the field of cultural anthropology, researchers like Jacquelyn
Campbell (1992) have found that, across cultures, wife battering is
linked to male dominance and cultural norms that tolerate domestic
violence. Because of findings like Campbell's, a solid argument
exists that, at the institutional/state level, part of the problem
is that legislatures are composed primarily of men--men who are
presumably influenced by a culture that encourages them to view
women as objects of possession (Gagne, 1992).

Status theory and Marx's theories of power may dovetail here.
Longres (1995) cites an experiment by Wendy Harrod where subjects
deferred to others who they thought were being paid more. The
experiment is used in support of social exchange theory. It could
just as well support status theory: more social power flows to those
with the most status, a component of which is material possessions.
In any case, more power and status accrue to those who possess than
to those who are objects of possession, and Marx was undoubtedly
correct to presume that those in powerful, high-status positions are
unlikely to readily alter their positions (Longres, 1995). But
despite a possible reluctance to alter a status quo from which they
benefitted, lawmakers have begun to respond to issues of domestic
violence. Still, even as laws increasingly begin to reflect our
national concern about domestic violence, the rates of battering
still climb (Waites, 1993), and women continue to return to abusers--
further swelling the domestic abuse numbers.

Could more be done at the ecological level of the community?
Campbell (1992) for one feels that the neighborhood level should be
the focus of our efforts. In small communities progress was
initially slowed by the patriarchal thinking that Van Soest & Bryant
(1995) found typical in the United States. Workers at women's crisis
shelters have told me that patriarchal factors resulted in de facto
sexism when it came time to seek funding for buildings or staff.
Despite these formidable difficulties, crisis centers with
predominantly female staff and board members exist in most
communities with which I am familiar. Still, the rates of spousal
abuse show no signs of leveling, and having a safe refuge hasn't
prevented many women from returning to be revictimized.

I do not mean to suggest that because neither laws at the state
level nor interventions at the community level have halted the rise
in wife battering that we should withdraw our attention from either
level. Public awareness campaigns addressing domestic violence could
benefit from better funding at both levels. And certainly society-
wide attention to poverty could only be beneficial since low
socioeconomic status correlates with domestic abuse (Whipple &
Webster-Stratton, 1989 cited in Webster-Stratton, 1990).

Nevertheless, if we are going to shed light on the vexing problem of
why so many battered women put up with abuse and then return to
their victimizers when they do have a way out, we must examine the
individual. For many Social Workers the discouraging fact remains
that despite better laws and shelter programs, most of the women
they help will return to the same abuse. We do these women a
disservice if we ignore the problem at the intrapsychic level.

So why isn't intrapsychic information about victims of violence more
widely assimilated and dispersed? It is not because we lack a
systematic body of research that would help us understand victims of
trauma. Information about the biochemistry of PTSD, and attachment
theory give us a useful series of lenses with which to view
revictimization. That the information is not better known to
clinicians may be because of the same theoretical constructs I
already examined: status theory and theories of sexism.

Social Work, a predominantly female field, has in its recent history
taken a dim view of intrapsychic emphasis, linking it with
patriarchal Freudian thought and blaming it (among other things) for
the perceived failure of the profession to heed the larger social
issue of impoverishment during the Great Depression (Simon, 1994).
One could argue that assuming an intrapsychic emphasis would not
enhance one's professional status as a Social Worker.

Perhaps more central to issues of status and sexism is a legitimate
concern among women that any focus that smacks of blaming the victim
is inherently unjust. John Longres (1995) elaborates the position of
William Ryan (who coined the term "blaming the victim") this
way: "Social service workers also blame the victim when they
acknowledge the societal causes of problems but intervene only at
the level of the individual" (p. 8). If the victims are
overwhelmingly female, as in spousal battering, blaming them for
their troubles also becomes the crassest sexism.

Is there a way out of this dilemma? Perhaps, but first we must
recognize it as a false dilemma. Looking for points of intervention
is not the same as blaming the victim. If we feel victims are at
fault, we have no need to intervene; we can justify ignoring their
plight. But if we wish to help battered women, one possibility is to
find ways to enable them to change patterns of behavior. That would
be genuine self-empowerment. And it does not mean we have to cease
addressing issues at the state or community level. However, we can
only help individuals empower themselves if we understand the
biochemistry and attachment dynamics of trauma.

Understanding the Problem at the Level of the Individual

Trauma researchers have frequently noted the link between trauma and
retraumatization (Browne & Finkelhor, 1986). For our purposes this
phenomenon is the statistical tendency to be a victim of repetitive
trauma after suffering childhood abuse. Briere & Runtz (1988) found
women who had been abused as minors were more likely to have been in
abusive adult relationships. Diane Russell (1986) noted in her study
that women who had a history of incest were twice as likely to
report physical violence in their marital relationships as women who
had no such childhood history.

So what may be happening here? Well, colloquially we speak of people
who seem to crave danger as "adrenaline junkies." We would be closer
to the mark if we dropped the implied moral judgment and looked
elsewhere than adrenaline. It is true that a frightening situation
produces epinephrine (adrenaline), but it also triggers the release
of endogenous opioids (endorphins and enkephalins) whose purpose is
to produce analgesia. The ability to inhibit pain in a traumatic
situation is an obvious advantage.

There is, however, a downside. Our own opioids are as addictive as
exogenous opioids. In an article exploring self-injury in adults,
Thompson and his colleagues (1994) noted that release of endogenous
opioids had the same reinforcing potential as heroin or morphine.
They speculated that individuals may continue harmful behaviors to
avoid the discomfort of withdrawal. This fact has led van der Kolk
(1989) to describe the resulting "addiction to trauma" as a
mechanism for understanding the apparently compulsive behavior of
self-abuse that characterizes many trauma victims. The more flagrant
forms of self-abuse like cutting on oneself or headbanging may first
suggest themselves as addictive behavior, but allowing someone else
to do the damage may share the same link to opioids release.

Nor does the effect need to be maintained from childhood until
marriage by continual abuse to retain its potency. When people with
PTSD were exposed to a stimulus that resembled a trauma occurring
two decades earlier, they developed an opioids-mediated analgesia
that was equivalent to 8 mg of morphine (Pitman, van der Kolk, Orr,
& Greenberg, 1990).

Several women from physically abusive relationships whom I have
treated have told me of sensing the familiar buildup of domestic
tension, then provoking a fight "just to get it over with." This
response is an occasional part of the well known cycle of domestic
violence. What is not expected is the answer I often get when I ask
about their emotional state as the fighting begins. Several women
have thought about it, then spoken of a sense of calm that obviously
puzzled them. Given the numbing effects of endogenous opioids, their
emotional response to violence may be understandable. Since they do
not understand it, their appraisal of their behavior usually invokes
shame.

And shame is the bridge to understanding how negative self-appraisal
and attachment theory interact with the biochemistry of trauma to
further perpetuate the cycle of revictimization. When battered wives
were children, those who suffered abuse at the hands of caregivers
were at risk to endure understandable threats to their attachment
bonds. Disruption to attachment bonds with caregivers due to neglect
or abuse produces distorted identity schema resulting in "bad me"
appraisals. Not understanding the biochemistry of why they tolerate
abuse or feel paradoxically calm when being battered leads abused
women to feel shame, which reinforces the negative self-appraisal
first put in place by disrupted attachment bonds. So an examination
of attachment is in order.

We are biologically programmed to establish a secure bond with our
caregivers. This drive is most pronounced under the threat of danger-
-even if the danger is from our caregivers. Beverly James (1994)
uses the phase "trauma bonding" to describe how children are forced
by trauma to cling in a nondiscriminating fashion to abusive
caregivers no matter what the cost.

The cost is usually to self-esteem. Since children must preserve the
attachment bond or the illusion of a pseudoattachment, they do so by
what in object relations theory is called "splitting," to convince
themselves that their parents are good and the bond is secure.
Since "bad parent-good parent" splitting creates too much cognitive
dissonance without the aid of traumatic dissociation and amnestic
barriers, a more common split is "good parent-bad me." This tendency
makes more sense when considering the egocentrism of young children
whereby they attribute things happening to them as due to their own
actions (Piaget, 1962). Years later many people first traumatized as
children feel responsibility for their own abuse and perceive
themselves to be unlovable or despicable (van der Kolk, 1996). These
dynamics are often encouraged by abusers who generally refuse
responsibility for their actions and are only too willing to blame
their victims for imagined transgressions.

Once locked into a "bad me" split, children must selectively pursue
evidence of their unworthiness. The resulting guilt can only be
expiated by punishment. Many of my abused clients have said that
they feel a vague sense that they will be punished and that they
feel as if they "deserve" such punishment. If this tack seems a
little too psychodynamic (dare I say Freudian?), then at least it
should be clear how a low sense of self-worth, coupled with
overresponsibility, could lead a woman to make excuses for her
battering husband.

At this point a reader familiar with the Stockholm Syndrome might
wonder if that phenomenon is relevant to the discussion. It might
be. Several years ago in Stockholm a bank robber held a woman as
hostage for several days in the bank's vault. When rescued, the
woman denied that her captor was responsible for her pain. She was
in fact quite indignant at the force the police had used to capture
her assailant. She seemed to be infatuated with the gunman.

The key here might be the infantilization of the hostage who was
dependent upon her captor for food, water, and toilet privileges.
Frank Ochberg (1995) thinks this traumatic age regression (my term,
not Dr. Ochberg's) accounts for the almost primal gratitude for
life's necessities that many hostages feel if they're shown even a
little kindness. He specifically links the Stockholm Syndrome with
the bond many battered women feel for their abusers.

Lest the above seem too simplistic a portrait of some battered
women, a portrait that paints them as largely incompetent, I would
add that I have witnessed the above dynamics in very professionally
accomplished women. Bessel van der Kolk (1996) finds the same
occurrence: "High levels of competence and interpersonal sensitivity
often exist side by side with self-hatred . . ." (p. 196).

How widely spread could the above dynamics be? Though
overgeneralization should be avoided, aspects of attachment dynamics
may account for more revictimization than a skeptic might think.
Reviewing previous research, van der Kolk & Fisler (1994) found that
a majority of children who experienced abuse or neglect developed
disorganized attachment patterns.

Implications for Practice and Policy

Now that a base for understanding revictimization has been
suggested, let me begin this section by observing how victim
behavior patterns, mediated by trauma addiction and trauma bonding,
could interact with systems at the state and community levels to
reinforce victim stereotypes. Looking at the repetitive nature of
victim behavior without understanding it can lead to reductive
labeling. Specifically I have in mind the terms female masochism and
Borderline Personality Disorder (assigned overwhelmingly to women).
The former term presumes that pain gives psychological gratification
without understanding the biochemical basis for the behavior. The
latter term presumes an innate character flaw without considering
the traumatic etiology. It is significant that Herman and van der
Kolk (1987) found that Borderline Personality Disorder was
associated with a history of abuse.

Pejorative labeling in our culture can only make it harder for
professionals who wish to help battered women to obtain the legal
protection and the immediate aid they need. But as I have argued,
avoiding labeling by refusing to examine individual behavior keeps
Social Workers from intervening effectively at the level we often
encounter domestic violence: face to face.

What the above suggests is that in our professional practice we must
educate ourselves about the dynamics and biochemistry of PTSD. I
have found few things as immediately gratifying to women as when
they truly grasp that their behavior is understandable and, by
implication, treatable; they are not unworthy, shameful humans. Of
course this places the burden on clinicians to master the
therapeutic treatments used for trauma-based disorders and a burden
on non-clinical Social Workers to know when and to whom to refer.

At the policy level we must be prepared to argue for the treatment
intervention time needed to help clients rework complex attachment
patterns and deal with actual withdrawal from their own opioids. In
an era of managed care it will be a formidable undertaking to argue
for more, not less, financial aid at the state and local levels.

Recommendations for Further Research

At this time medications commonly used to help with withdrawal
symptoms from exogenous opioids are pretty much limited to Selective
Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors (SSRIs) like fluoxetine to help with
the attendant depression and benzodiazepines to calm the patient. In
any case, using carefully monitored SSRIs and benzodiazepines for
battered women in shelters would be a useful pilot study if
carefully designed.

Another promising area could be (are you ready for this?) -
acupuncture. Avants and his colleagues (1995) have shown some forms
of acupuncture to be beneficial for treating opioids addiction. A
pilot study with battered women could be economically designed.

References

Avants, S. K., Margolin, A., Chang, P., Kosten, T. R., & Birch, S.
(1995). Acupuncture for the treatment of Cocaine Addiction:
Investigation of a needle puncture control. Journal of Substance
Abuse Treatment, 12(3), 195-205.

Bell, C. C., & Jenkins, E. J. (1993). Community violence and
children on Chicago's Southside. Psychiatry,56(1), 46-54.

Briere, J., & Runtz, M. (1988). Post sexual abuse trauma. In G. E.
Wyatt & G. Powell (Eds.), Lasting effects of child sexual abuse (pp.
85-99). Newbury Park, CA: Sage.

Browne, A., & Finkelhor, D. (1986). Initial and long-term effects: A
review of the research. In D. Finkelhor (Ed.), A sourcebook on child
sexual abuse (pp. 143-179). Beverly Hills, CA: Sage.

Campbell, J. C. (1992). Prevention of wife battering: Insights from
cultural analysis. Response, 14(3)(issue 80), 18-24.

Gagne, P. L. (1992). Appalachian women: Violence and social control.
Social Casework: A Journal of Contemporary Ethnography, 20(4), 387-
415.

Garbarino, J. (1992). Coping with the consequences of community
violence. Protecting Children, 9(1), 3-5, 18.

Herman, J., & van der Kolk, B. (1987). Traumatic antecedents of
borderline personality disorder. In B. A. van der Kolk (Ed.),
Psychological trauma (pp. 111-126). Washington, DC: American
Psychiatric Press.

James, B. (1994). Handbook for treatment of attachment-trauma
problems in children. New York: Lexington Books.

Longres, J. F. (1995). Human behavior in the social environment (2nd
ed.). Itasca, IL:

F. E. Peacock Publishers.

McFarlane, A. C., & van der Kolk, B. A. (1996). Trauma and its
challenge to society. In B. A. van der Kolk, A. C. McFarlane, & L.
Weisaeth (Eds.), Traumatic stress: The effects of overwhelming
experience on mind, body, and society (pp. 24-46). New York:
Guilford Press.

Ochberg, F. M. (1995). Understanding the victims of spousal abuse,
[Online]. Available: http://www.sourcemaine.com/gift/spousal.html
[1997, October 3].

Piaget, J. (1962). Play, dreams, and imitation in childhood. New
York: Norton.

Pitman, R. K., van der Kolk, B. A., Orr, S. P., & Greenberg, M. S.
(1990). Naloxone reversible stress induced analgesia in post
traumatic stress disorder. Archives of General Psychiatry, 47, 541-
547.

Russell, D. (1986). The secret trauma. New York: Basic Books.

Simon, B. L. (1994). The empowerment tradition in American social
work. New York: Columbia University Press.

Thompson, T., Hackerberg, T., Cerulti, D., Baker, D., & Axtell, S.
(1994). Opioids antagonist effects on self-injury in adults with
mental retardation: Response form and location as determinants of
medication effects. American Journal on Mental Retardation,49, 85-
102.

van der Kolk, B. A. (1989). The compulsion to repeat the trauma: Re-
enactment, revictimization, and masochism. Psychiatric Clinics of
North America,12, 389-411.

van der Kolk, B. A. (1996). The complexity of adaptation to trauma:
Self-regulation, stimulus discrimination, and characterological
development. In B. A. van der Kolk, A. C., McFarlane, & L. Weisaeth
(Eds.), Traumatic stress: The effects of overwhelming experience on
mind, body, and society (pp. 182-213). New York: Guilford Press.

van der Kolk, B. A., & Fisler, R. E. (1994). Childhood abuse and
neglect and loss of self-regulation. Bulletin of the Menninger
Clinic, 58(2).

Van Soest, D., & Bryant, S. (1995). Violence reconceptualized for
social work: The urban dilemma. Social Work, 40(4), 549-557.

Waites, E. A. (1993). Trauma and survival: Post-traumatic and
dissociative disorders in women. New York: Norton.

Webster-Stratton, C. (1990). Stress: A potential disrupter of parent
perception and family interactions. Journal of Clinical Child
Psychology, 19(4), 302-312.



©1998 by The American Academy of Experts in Traumatic Stress, Inc.

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#3957 From: "Sam Vaknin" <vaksam@...>
Date: Wed Aug 31, 2005 1:42 pm
Subject: Clinical Effects of Abuse
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Clinical Effects of Abuse

29 Aug 2005
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Repeated abuse has long lasting pernicious and traumatic effects such as panic attacks, hypervigilance, sleep disturbances, flashbacks (intrusive memories), suicidal ideation, and psychosomatic symptoms. The victims experience shame, depression, anxiety, embarrassment, guilt, humiliation, abandonment, and an enhanced sense of vulnerability.

In "STALKING - AN OVERVIEW OF THE PROBLEM" (Can J Psychiatry 1998;43:473-476), authors Karen M Abrams and Gail Erlick Robinson write:

"Initially, there is often much denial by the victim. Over time, however, the stress begins to erode the victim's life and psychological brutalization results. Sometimes the victim develops an almost fatal resolve that, inevitably, one day she will be murdered. Victims, unable to live a normal life, describe feeling stripped of self-worth and dignity. Personal control and resources, psychosocial development, social support, premorbid personality traits, and the severity of the stress may all influence how the victim experiences and responds to it ... Victims stalked by ex-lovers may experience additional guilt and lowered self-esteem for perceived poor judgement in their relationship choices. Many victims become isolated and deprived of support when employers or friends withdraw after also being subjected to harassment or are cut off by the victim in order to protect them. Other tangible consequences include financial losses from quitting jobs, moving, and buying expensive security equipment in an attempt to gain privacy. Changing homes and jobs results in both material losses and loss of self-respect."

Surprisingly, verbal, psychological, and emotional abuse have the same effects as the physical variety (Psychology Today, September/October 2000 issue, p.24). Abuse of all kinds also interferes with the victim's ability to work. Abrams and Robinson wrote this (in "Occupational Effects of Stalking", Can J Psychiatry 2002;47:468-472):

"... (B)eing stalked by a former partner may affect a victim's ability to work in 3 ways. First, the stalking behaviours often interfere directly with the ability to get to work (for example, flattening tires or other methods of preventing leaving the home). Second, the workplace may become an unsafe location if the offender decides to appear. Third, the mental health effects of such trauma may result in forgetfulness, fatigue, lowered concentration, and disorganization. These factors may lead to the loss of employment, with accompanying loss of income, security, and status."

Still, it is hard to generalize. Victims are not a uniform lot. In some cultures, abuse is commonplace and accepted as a legitimate mode of communication, a sign of love and caring, and a boost to the abuser's self-image. In such circumstances, the victim is likely to adopt the norms of society and avoid serious trauma.

Deliberate, cold-blooded, and premeditated torture has worse and longer-lasting effects than abuse meted out by the abuser in rage and loss of self-control. The existence of a loving and accepting social support network is another mitigating factor. Finally, the ability to express negative emotions safely and to cope with them constructively is crucial to healing.

Typically, by the time the abuse reaches critical and all-pervasive proportions, the abuser had already, spider-like, isolated his victim from family, friends, and colleagues. She is catapulted into a nether land, cult-like setting where reality itself dissolves into a continuing nightmare.

When she emerges on the other end of this wormhole, the abused woman (or, more rarely, man) feels helpless, self-doubting, worthless, stupid, and a guilty failure for having botched her relationship and "abandoned" her "family". In an effort to regain perspective and avoid embarrassment, the victim denies the abuse or minimizes it.

No wonder that survivors of abuse tend to be clinically depressed, neglect their health and personal appearance, and succumb to boredom, rage, and impatience. Many end up abusing prescription drugs or drinking or otherwise behaving recklessly.

Some victims even develop Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).

By Sam Vaknin
Author of "Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited"

AUTHOR BIO

Sam Vaknin ( http://samvak.tripod.com ) is the author of Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited and After the Rain - How the West Lost the East. He served as a columnist for Global Politician, Central Europe Review, PopMatters, Bellaonline, and eBookWeb, a United Press International (UPI) Senior Business Correspondent, and the editor of mental health and Central East Europe categories in The Open Directory and Suite101.
Until recently, he served as the Economic Advisor to the Government of Macedonia.



For more information on anxiety click here.

For more information on depression click here.



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#3956 From: "Sam Vaknin" <vaksam@...>
Date: Wed Aug 31, 2005 1:42 pm
Subject: Diagnostic Criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) Revisited
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Diagnostic Criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) Revisited

29 Aug 2005
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What is Narcissism?

A pattern of traits and behaviours which signify infatuation and obsession with one's self to the exclusion of all others and the egotistic and ruthless pursuit of one's gratification, dominance and ambition.

• Most narcissists (50-75%, according to the DSM-IV-TR) are men.

• The Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is one of a "family" of personality disorders (known as "Cluster B"). Other members of Cluster B are Borderline PD, Antisocial PD and Histrionic PD.

• NPD is often diagnosed with other mental health disorders ("co-morbidity") - or with substance abuse and impulsive and reckless behaviours ("dual diagnosis").

• NPD is new (1980) mental health category in the Diagnostic and Statistics Manual (DSM).

• There is only scant research regarding narcissism. But what there is has not demonstrated any ethnic, social, cultural, economic, genetic, or professional predilection to NPD.

• It is estimated that 0.7-1% of the general population suffer from NPD.

The lifetime prevalence rate of NPD is approximately 0.5-1 percent; however, the estimated prevalence in clinical settings is approximately 2-16 percent. Almost 75 percent of individuals diagnosed with NPD are male (APA, DSM IV-TR 2000).

From the Abstract of Psychotherapeutic Assessment and Treatment of Narcissistic Personality Disorder By Robert C. Schwartz,Ph.D., DAPA and Shannon D. Smith, Ph.D., DAPA (American Psychotherapy Association, Article #3004 Annals July/August 2002)

• Pathological narcissism was first described in detail by Freud. Other major contributors are: Klein, Horney, Kohut, Kernberg, Millon, Roningstam, Gunderson, Hare.

• The onset of narcissism is in infancy, childhood and early adolescence. It is commonly attributed to childhood abuse and trauma inflicted by parents, authority figures, or even peers.

• There is a whole range of narcissistic reactions - from the mild, reactive and transient to the permanent personality disorder.

• Narcissistic Supply is outside attention - usually positive (adulation, affirmation, fame, celebrity) - used by the narcissist to regulate his labile sense of self-worth.

• Narcissists are either "cerebral" (derive their Narcissistic Supply from their intelligence or academic achievements) or "somatic" (derive their Narcissistic Supply from their physique, exercise, physical or sexual prowess and romantic or physical "conquests").

• Narcissists are either "classic" [see definition below] or they are "compensatory", or "inverted" [see definitions here: "The Inverted Narcissist"].

• The classic narcissist is self-confident, the compensatory narcissist covers up in his haughty behaviour for a deep-seated deficit in self-esteem, and the inverted type is a co-dependent who caters to the emotional needs of a classic narcissist.

• NPD is treated in talk therapy (psychodynamic or cognitive-behavioural). The prognosis for an adult narcissist is poor, though his adaptation to life and to others can improve with treatment. Medication is applied to side-effects and behaviours (such as mood or affect disorders and obsession-compulsion) - usually with some success.

The ICD-10, the International Classification of Mental and Behavioural Disorders, published by the World Health Organisation in Geneva [1992] regards Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) as "a personality disorder that fits none of the specific rubrics". It relegates it to the category "Other Specific Personality Disorders" together with the eccentric, "haltlose", immature, passive-aggressive, and psychoneurotic personality disorders and types.

The American Psychiatric Association, based in Washington D.C., USA, publishes the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, fourth edition, Text Revision (DSM-IV-TR) [2000] where it provides the diagnostic criteria for the Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

The DSM defines NPD as "an all-pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behaviour), need for admiration or adulation and lack of empathy, usually beginning by early adulthood and present in various contexts."

The DSM specifies nine diagnostic criteria. For NPD to be diagnosed, five (or more) of these criteria must be met.

[In the text below, I have proposed modifications to the language of these criteria to incorporate current knowledge about this disorder.]

[My amendments do not constitute a part of the text of the DSM-IV-TR, nor is the American Psychiatric Association (APA) associated with them in any way.]

[Click here to download a bibliography of the studies and research regarding the Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) on which I based my proposed revisions.]

Proposed Amended Criteria for the Narcissistic Personality Disorder

• Feels grandiose and self-important (e.g., exaggerates accomplishments, talents, skills, contacts, and personality traits to the point of lying, demands to be recognised as superior without commensurate achievements);

• Is obsessed with fantasies of unlimited success, fame, fearsome power or omnipotence, unequalled brilliance (the cerebral narcissist), bodily beauty or sexual performance (the somatic narcissist), or ideal, everlasting, all-conquering love or passion;

• Firmly convinced that he or she is unique and, being special, can only be understood by, should only be treated by, or associate with, other special or unique, or high-status people (or institutions);

• Requires excessive admiration, adulation, attention and affirmation - or, failing that, wishes to be feared and to be notorious (Narcissistic Supply);

• Feels entitled. Demands automatic and full compliance with his or her unreasonable expectations for special and favourable priority treatment; • Is "interpersonally exploitative", i.e., uses others to achieve his or her own ends;

• Devoid of empathy. Is unable or unwilling to identify with, acknowledge, or accept the feelings, needs, preferences, priorities, and choices of others;

• Constantly envious of others and seeks to hurt or destroy the objects of his or her frustration. Suffers from persecutory (paranoid) delusions as he or she believes that they feel the same about him or her and are likely to act similarly;

• Behaves arrogantly and haughtily. Feels superior, omnipotent, omniscient, invincible, immune, "above the law", and omnipresent (magical thinking). Rages when frustrated, contradicted, or confronted by people he or she considers inferior to him or her and unworthy.

By Sam Vaknin
Author of "Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited"

AUTHOR BIO

Sam Vaknin ( http://samvak.tripod.com ) is the author of Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited and After the Rain - How the West Lost the East. He served as a columnist for Global Politician, Central Europe Review, PopMatters, Bellaonline, and eBookWeb, a United Press International (UPI) Senior Business Correspondent, and the editor of mental health and Central East Europe categories in The Open Directory and Suite101.
Until recently, he served as the Economic Advisor to the Government of Macedonia.





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#3955 From: "Sam Vaknin" <vaksam@...>
Date: Tue Aug 30, 2005 2:12 pm
Subject: Download e-Books in PDF Format
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#3954 From: "Sam Vaknin" <palma@...>
Date: Tue Aug 30, 2005 10:44 am
Subject: Suicide - The Murder of Oneself
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This letter constitutes a permission to reprint or mirror any and
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include the  author bio, including the link to the author's Web site
(at the bottom of this message).

===============================================================
Suicide - The Murder of Oneself
By Sam Vaknin
Author of "Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited"

Those who believe in the finality of death (i.e., that there is no
after-life) - they are the ones who advocate suicide and regard it
as a matter of personal choice. On the other hand, those who firmly
believe in some form of existence after corporeal death - they
condemn suicide and judge it to be a major sin. Yet, rationally, the
situation should have been reversed: it should have been easier for
someone who believed in continuity after death to terminate this
phase of existence on the way to the next. Those who faced void,
finality, non-existence, vanishing - should have been greatly
deterred by it and should have refrained even from entertaining the
idea. Either the latter do not really believe what they profess to
believe - or something is wrong with rationality. One would tend to
suspect the former.

Suicide is very different from self sacrifice, avoidable martyrdom,
engaging in life risking activities, refusal to prolong one's life
through medical treatment, euthanasia, overdosing and self inflicted
death that is the result of coercion. What is common to all these is
the operational mode: a death caused by one's own actions. In all
these behaviours, a foreknowledge of the risk of death is present
coupled with its acceptance. But all else is so different that they
cannot be regarded as belonging to the same class. Suicide is
chiefly intended to terminate a life - the other acts are aimed at
perpetuating, strengthening and defending values.

Those who commit suicide do so because they firmly believe in the
finiteness of life and in the finality of death. They prefer
termination to continuation. Yet, all the others, the observers of
this phenomenon, are horrified by this preference. They abhor it.
This has to do with out understanding of the meaning of life.

Ultimately, life has only meanings that we attribute and ascribe to
it. Such a meaning can be external (God's plan) or internal (meaning
generated through arbitrary selection of a frame of reference). But,
in any case, it must be actively selected, adopted and espoused. The
difference is that, in the case of external meanings, we have no way
to judge their validity and quality (is God's plan for us a good one
or not?). We just "take them on" because they are big, all
encompassing and of a good "source". A hyper-goal generated by a
superstructural plan tends to lend meaning to our transient goals
and structures by endowing them with the gift of eternity. Something
eternal is always judged more meaningful than something temporal. If
a thing of less or no value acquires value by becoming part of a
thing eternal - than the meaning and value reside with the quality
of being eternal - not with the thing thus endowed. It is not a
question of success. Plans temporal are as successfully implemented
as designs eternal. Actually, there is no meaning to the question:
is this eternal plan / process / design successful because success
is a temporal thing, linked to endeavours that have clear beginnings
and ends.

This, therefore, is the first requirement: our life can become
meaningful only by integrating into a thing, a process, a being
eternal. In other words, continuity (the temporal image of eternity,
to paraphrase a great philosopher) is of the essence. Terminating
our life at will renders them meaningless. A natural termination of
our life is naturally preordained. A natural death is part and
parcel of the very eternal process, thing or being which lends
meaning to life. To die naturally is to become part of an eternity,
a cycle, which goes on forever of life, death and renewal. This
cyclic view of life and the creation is inevitable within any
thought system, which incorporates a notion of eternity. Because
everything is possible given an eternal amount of time - so are
resurrection and reincarnation, the afterlife, hell and other
beliefs adhered to by the eternal lot.

Sidgwick raised the second requirement and with certain
modifications by other philosophers, it reads: to begin to
appreciate values and meanings, a consciousness (intelligence) must
exist. True, the value or meaning must reside in or pertain to a
thing outside the consciousness / intelligence. But, even then, only
conscious, intelligent people will be able to appreciate it.

We can fuse the two views: the meaning of life is the consequence of
their being part of some eternal goal, plan, process, thing, or
being. Whether this holds true or does not - a consciousness is
called for in order to appreciate life's meaning. Life is
meaningless in the absence of consciousness or intelligence. Suicide
flies in the face of both requirements: it is a clear and present
demonstration of the transience of life (the negation of the NATURAL
eternal cycles or processes). It also eliminates the consciousness
and intelligence that could have judged life to have been meaningful
had it survived. Actually, this very consciousness / intelligence
decides, in the case of suicide, that life has no meaning
whatsoever. To a very large extent, the meaning of life is perceived
to be a collective matter of conformity. Suicide is a statement,
writ in blood, that the community is wrong, that life is meaningless
and final (otherwise, the suicide would not have been committed).

This is where life ends and social judgement commences. Society
cannot admit that it is against freedom of expression (suicide is,
after all, a statement). It never could. It always preferred to cast
the suicides in the role of criminals (and, therefore, bereft of any
or many civil rights). According to still prevailing views, the
suicide violates unwritten contracts with himself, with others
(society) and, many might add, with God (or with Nature with a
capital N). Thomas Aquinas said that suicide was not only unnatural
(organisms strive to survive, not to self annihilate) - but it also
adversely affects the community and violates God's property rights.
The latter argument is interesting: God is supposed to own the soul
and it is a gift (in Jewish writings, a deposit) to the individual.
A suicide, therefore, has to do with the abuse or misuse of God's
possessions, temporarily lodged in a corporeal mansion. This implies
that suicide affects the eternal, immutable soul. Aquinas refrains
from elaborating exactly how a distinctly physical and material act
alters the structure and / or the properties of something as
ethereal as the soul. Hundreds of years later, Blackstone, the
codifier of British Law, concurred. The state, according to this
juridical mind, has a right to prevent and to punish for suicide and
for attempted suicide. Suicide is self-murder, he wrote, and,
therefore, a grave felony. In certain countries, this still is the
case. In Israel, for instance, a soldier is considered to be "army
property" and any attempted suicide is severely punished as
being "attempt at corrupting army possessions". Indeed, this is
paternalism at its worst, the kind that objectifies its subjects.
People are treated as possessions in this malignant mutation of
benevolence. Such paternalism acts against adults expressing fully
informed consent. It is an explicit threat to autonomy, freedom and
privacy. Rational, fully competent adults should be spared this form
of state intervention. It served as a magnificent tool for the
suppression of dissidence in places like Soviet Russia and Nazi
Germany. Mostly, it tends to breed "victimless crimes". Gamblers,
homosexuals, communists, suicides - the list is long. All have
been "protected from themselves" by Big Brothers in disguise.
Wherever humans possess a right - there is a correlative obligation
not to act in a way that will prevent the exercise of such right,
whether actively (preventing it), or passively (reporting it). In
many cases, not only is suicide consented to by a competent adult
(in full possession of his faculties) - it also increases utility
both for the individual involved and for society. The only exception
is, of course, where minors or incompetent adults (the mentally
retarded, the mentally insane, etc.) are involved. Then a
paternalistic obligation seems to exist. I use the cautious
term "seems" because life is such a basic and deep set phenomenon
that even the incompetents can fully gauge its significance and
make "informed" decisions, in my view. In any case, no one is better
able to evaluate the quality of life (and the ensuing justifications
of a suicide) of a mentally incompetent person - than that person
himself.

The paternalists claim that no competent adult will ever decide to
commit suicide. No one in "his right mind" will elect this option.
This contention is, of course, obliterated both by history and by
psychology. But a derivative argument seems to be more forceful.
Some people whose suicides were prevented felt very happy that they
were. They felt elated to have the gift of life back. Isn't this
sufficient a reason to intervene? Absolutely, not. All of us are
engaged in making irreversible decisions. For some of these
decisions, we are likely to pay very dearly. Is this a reason to
stop us from making them? Should the state be allowed to prevent a
couple from marrying because of genetic incompatibility? Should an
overpopulated country institute forced abortions? Should smoking be
banned for the higher risk groups? The answers seem to be clear and
negative. There is a double moral standard when it comes to suicide.
People are permitted to destroy their lives only in certain
prescribed ways.

And if the very notion of suicide is immoral, even criminal - why
stop at individuals? Why not apply the same prohibition to political
organizations (such as the Yugoslav Federation or the USSR or East
Germany or Czechoslovakia, to mention four recent examples)? To
groups of people? To institutions, corporations, funds, not for
profit organizations, international organizations and so on? This
fast deteriorates to the land of absurdities, long inhabited by the
opponents of suicide.


==============================================================
AUTHOR BIO (must be included with the article)

Sam Vaknin ( http://samvak.tripod.com ) is the author of Malignant
Self Love - Narcissism Revisited and After the Rain - How the West
Lost the East. He served as a columnist for Global Politician,
Central Europe Review, PopMatters, Bellaonline, and eBookWeb, a
United Press International (UPI) Senior Business Correspondent, and
the editor of mental health and Central East Europe categories in
The Open Directory and Suite101.

Until recently, he served as the Economic Advisor to the Government
of Macedonia.

Visit Sam's Web site at http://samvak.tripod.com

#3953 From: "Sam Vaknin" <palma@...>
Date: Tue Aug 30, 2005 10:44 am
Subject: Morality as a Mental State
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include the  author bio, including the link to the author's Web site
(at the bottom of this message).

===============================================================
Morality as a Mental State
By Sam Vaknin
Author of "Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited"

Introduction

Moral values, rules, principles, and judgements are often thought of
as beliefs or as true beliefs. Those who hold them to be true
beliefs also annex to them a warrant or a justification (from
the "real world"). Yet, it is far more reasonable to conceive of
morality (ethics) as a state of mind, a mental state. It entails
belief, but not necessarily true belief, or justification. As a
mental state, morality cannot admit the "world" (right and wrong,
evidence, goals, or results) into its logical formal definition. The
world is never part of the definition of a mental state.

Another way of looking at it, though, is that morality cannot be
defined in terms of goals and results - because these goals and
results ARE morality itself. Such a definition would be tautological.

There is no guarantee that we know when we are in a certain mental
state. Morality is no exception.

An analysis based on the schemata and arguments proposed by Timothy
Williamson follows.

Moral Mental State - A Synopsis

Morality is the mental state that comprises a series of attitudes to
propositions. There are four classes of moral propositions: "It is
wrong to...", "It is right to...", (You should) do this...", "(You
should) not do this...". The most common moral state of mind is: one
adheres to p. Adhering to p has a non-trivial analysis in the more
basic terms of (a component of) believing and (a component of)
knowing, to be conceptually and metaphysically analysed later. Its
conceptual status is questionable because we need to decompose it to
obtain the necessary and sufficient conditions for its possession
(Peacocke, 1992). It may be a complex (secondary) concept.

See here for a more detailed analysis.

Adhering to proposition p is not merely believing that p and knowing
that p but also that something should be so, if and only if p (moral
law).

Morality is not a factive attitude. One believes p to be true - but
knows p to be contingently true (dependent on epoch, place, and
culture). Since knowing is a factive attitude, the truth it relates
to is the contingently true nature of moral propositions.

Morality relates objects to moral propositions and it is a mental
state (for every p, having a moral mental relation to p is a mental
state).

Adhering to p entails believing p (involves the mental state of
belief). In other words, one cannot adhere without believing. Being
in a moral mental state is both necessary and sufficient for
adhering to p. Since no "truth" is involved - there is no non-mental
component of adhering to p.

Adhering to p is a conjunction with each of the conjuncts (believing
p and knowing p) a necessary condition - and the conjunction is
necessary and sufficient for adhering to p.

One doesn't always know if one adheres to p. Many moral rules are
generated "on the fly", as a reaction to circumstances and moral
dilemmas. It is possible to adhere to p falsely (and behave
differently when faced with the harsh test of reality). A sceptic
would say that for any moral proposition p - one is in the position
to know that one doesn't believe p. Admittedly, it is possible for a
moral agent to adhere to p without being in the position to know
that one adheres to p, as we illustrated above. One can also fail to
adhere to p without knowing that one fails to adhere to p. As
Williamson says "transparency (to be in the position to know one's
mental state) is false". Naturally, one knows one's mental state
better than one knows other people's. There is an observational
asymmetry involved. We have non-observational (privileged) access to
our mental state and observational access to other people's mental
states. Thus, we can say that we know our morality non-
observationally (directly) - while we are only able to observe other
people's morality.

One believes moral propositions and knows moral propositions.
Whether the belief itself is rational or not, is debatable. But the
moral mental state strongly imitates rational belief (which relies
on reasoning). In other words, the moral mental state masquerades as
a factive attitude, though it is not. The confusion arises from the
normative nature of knowing and being rational. Normative elements
exist in belief attributions, too, but, for some reason, are
considered "outside the realm of belief". Belief, for instance,
entails the grasping of mental content, its rational processing and
manipulation, defeasible reaction to new information.

We will not go here into the distinction offered by Williamson
between "believing truly" (not a mental state, according to him)
and "believing". Suffice it to say that adhering to p is a mental
state, metaphysically speaking - and that "adheres to p" is a
(complex or secondary) mental concept. The structure of adheres to p
is such that the non-mental concepts are the content clause of the
attitude ascription and, thus do not render the concept thus
expressed non-mental: adheres to (right and wrong, evidence, goals,
or results).

Williamson's Mental State Operator calculus is applied.

Origin is essential when we strive to fully understand the relations
between adhering that p and other moral concepts (right, wrong,
justified, etc.). To be in the moral state requires the adoption of
specific paths, causes, and behaviour modes. Moral justification and
moral judgement are such paths.

Knowing, Believing and Their Conjunction

We said above that:

"Adhering to p is a conjunction with each of the conjuncts
(believing p and knowing p) a necessary condition - and the
conjunction is necessary and sufficient for adhering to p."

Williamson suggests that one believes p if and only if one has an
attitude to proposition p indiscriminable from knowing p. Another
idea is that to believe p is to treat p as if one knew p. Thus,
knowing is central to believing though by no means does it account
for the entire spectrum of belief (example: someone who chooses to
believe in God even though he doesn't know if God exists). Knowledge
does determine what is and is not appropriate to believe, though
("standard of appropriateness"). Evidence helps justify belief.

But knowing as a mental state is possible without having a concept
of knowing. One can treat propositions in the same way one treats
propositions that one knows - even if one lacks concept of knowing.
It is possible (and practical) to rely on a proposition as a premise
if one has a factive propositional attitude to it. In other words,
to treat the proposition as though it is known and then to believe
in it.

As Williamson says, "believing is a kind of a botched knowing".
Knowledge is the aim of belief, its goal.


==============================================================
AUTHOR BIO (must be included with the article)

Sam Vaknin ( http://samvak.tripod.com ) is the author of Malignant
Self Love - Narcissism Revisited and After the Rain - How the West
Lost the East. He served as a columnist for Global Politician,
Central Europe Review, PopMatters, Bellaonline, and eBookWeb, a
United Press International (UPI) Senior Business Correspondent, and
the editor of mental health and Central East Europe categories in
The Open Directory and Suite101.

Until recently, he served as the Economic Advisor to the Government
of Macedonia.

Visit Sam's Web site at http://samvak.tripod.com

#3952 From: "Sam Vaknin" <palma@...>
Date: Mon Aug 29, 2005 1:12 pm
Subject: SOME APPARENT ADVANTAGES OF SUBCLINICAL PSYCHOPATHY
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http://jonjayray.tripod.com/subclin.html


The Journal of Social Psychology, 1982, 117, 135-142.

SOME APPARENT ADVANTAGES OF SUBCLINICAL PSYCHOPATHY*

Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited is now available from
AMAZON CANADA- click on this link:

http://www.amazon.ca/exec/obidos/tg/detail/offer-listing/-
/8023833847/new/

Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited is now available from
AMAZON.COM - click on this link:

http://s1.amazon.com/exec/varzea/ts/exchange-
glance/Y03Y0926269Y5731601

From Barnes and Noble (sixth edition)

http://barnesandnoble.bfast.com/booklink/click?ISBN=8023833847

University of New South Wales, Australia

J. J. RAY AND J. A. B. RAY


SUMMARY

Classical descriptions of the psychopathic personality include a
number of highly desirable characteristics in addition to the
obviously undesirable ones. Following Eysenck, it is hypothesized
that this personality type is not a type at all but merely an
extreme of normal personality traits. Subclinical manifestations of
psychopathy are therefore studied. The MMPI "PD" scale was
administered together with other scales to a random postal sample of
the Australian State of New South Wales. The resulting sample of 128
people showed a representative demographic structure. High "PD"
scores were found to be associated with honesty (low lie scale
scores), permissiveness, good perceived relationships with others,
denial of being tough and rejection of punitiveness. They were also
correlated with Machiavellianism and lesser education. It was
concluded that as long as psychopaths can keep out of trouble, they
may have many advantages over others.


A. INTRODUCTION

"Likeable," "Charming," "Intelligent," "Alert," "Impressive," "Confid
ence-inspiring," and "A great success with the ladies": These are
the sorts of descriptions repeatedly used by Cleckley (2) in his
justly famous case-studies of psychopaths. They are also, of
course, "irresponsible," "self-destructive," and the like. These
descriptions highlight the great frustrations and puzzles that
surround the study of psychopathy. Psychopaths seem to have in
abundance the very traits most desired by normal persons. When so
many so-called normal individuals attend assertiveness training, the
untroubled self-confidence of the psychopath seems almost like an
impossible dream. When many young persons are feeling the need for
social skills training, the magnetic attraction of the psychopath
for members of the opposite sex must seem almost supernatural.

Cleckley's seminal hypothesis concerning the psychopath is that he
suffers from a very real mental illness indeed: affective deficit.
He feels emotions of only the shallowest kinds. He does bizarre and
self-destructive things because consequences that would fill the
ordinary man with shame, self-loathing, and embarrassment move the
psychopath only to a trivial degree. What to others would be a
disaster is to him merely a fleeting inconvenience. Cleckley also
gives grounds for the view that psychopathy is quite common in the
community at large. He has collected some cases of psychopaths who
generally function normally in the community as businessmen,
doctors, and even psychiatrists.

Perhaps the most notable of the theories connecting psychopathy with
normal behavior is that of Eysenck (e.g., 3), who regards the
primary psychopath as being very largely someone who is a high
scorer on his "P" scale, though all psychopaths are also said to be
neurotic and extroverted. The main point here, however, regardless
of the particular scales, is that Eysenck sees criminal psychopathy
as an extreme of a "normal" personality dimension (or dimensions).
Widom (9) also characterizes criminal psychopaths as unsuccessful
psychopaths. The implication, of course, is that many psychopaths
may exist in society who cope better than do those who come to the
attention of the judicial and welfare systems. Harrington (6) goes
so far as to say that the psychopath is in fact the man of the
future. He is the new man being produced by the evolutionary
pressures of modern life. Smith (8), however, sets out a number of
criticisms of this view generally focusing on the real disabilities
that the clinical psychopath also suffers.

The study of "ambulatory" psychopaths has, however, hardly begun.
Very little is known about subcriminal psychopathy. Eysenck's work
appears primarily to be concerned with psychoticism, with
psychopathy being included as merely an (arguable) subcategory.
Given the lengths to which Cleckley goes in stressing the vast
differences between psychotics and psychopaths, Eysenck's approach
seems at least unnecessarily confusing. Nonetheless, the concern and
the approach in the present study are thoroughly Eysenckian: It is
desired to study psychopathy not as an artificial clinical category
but as a general personality trait in the community at large. With
that approach, the guiding question will be whether subclinical
psychopaths might not have the advantages of the institutionalized
psychopath without the otherwise-observed very severe disadvantages.

B. METHOD

The major barrier to the study of psychopathy as a normal
personality trait has been doubt about how it might be measured. The
most widely used index of the psychopathic personality is the
MMPI "PD" scale. Like all the MMPI scales, however, this scale was
created solely by reference to the responses of a clinical group.
Its claim therefore is to measure clinical psychopathy. Subclinical
psychopathy might be quite different.

In her pioneering study of "normal" psychopaths, however, Widom (9)
found the PD scale useful. Some exploration of what it might measure
among a general population sample is therefore of some potential
interest. It seems logical that if the scale measures psychopathy at
all, normal psychopaths should show at least some elevation of
scores on it. It is therefore the PD scale which forms the basis of
the present work.

The scale was included in a questionnaire together with four
exploratory scales, two of which were designed to measure
psychopathic self-perceptions (toughness and ability to relate to
others) and two to measure psychopathic attitudes (permissiveness
towards children and punitiveness towards criminals). Also included
because of its apparent conceptual relevance to psychopathy was the
Christie and Gels (1) Likert-form "Machiavellianism" scale. Finally,
a short social-desirability scale (4) was added to check on any
artifact from this source. Given the almost destructive honesty of
the psychopath when he is not explicitly trying to manipulate
people, the prospects for a study free of this artifact seemed,
however, unusually good.

The attributes chosen for measurement represent only a small
selection of those that could have been included. Although any
selection is of necessity highly arbitrary, the chosen attributes
are thought to be ones that are implied in much discussion of
clinical psychopathy. It was desired to see whether the correlates
of psychopathy among normals would differ.

A question that might arise concerns the validity of the first four
of the six additional scales mentioned above. Why were four
exploratory scales used in addition to the two well-established
personality scales? The two scales of self-perception were used
because it was thought that how things seemed from the person's own
point of view was the most relevant area of enquiry. Whether or not
one actually relates well to others may be a matter of some dispute
and considerable value judgment, but if the person himself is happy
with his own relationships, that surely is of itself of some
importance. By concentrating on how things seemed from the person's
own point of view, then, it was hoped to avoid disputes about what
constituted good interpersonal adjustment. From Cleckley's case
studies, it would seem that clinical psychopaths do see themselves
as getting on well with others and as being tough, with both
perceptions having some element of truth.

Can any scale of self-perceptions be validated? It is here contended
that validation in most senses is irrelevant. A valid scale of self-
perceptions would of course be an ordinary personality scale and
such validation may have interest in its own right, although many
self-perceptions will inevitably have little correspondence to any
objectively measured reality. For validation purposes, then, a scale
of self-perceptions has to be treated like an attitude scale. Since
a personality scale is generally one which asks about a person's
characteristic behavior, its validity can be checked by comparing
the responses on it with behavior observed in some other way. This
is not true with attitude scales. Attitudes cannot directly be
observed. The person himself is the only authority on what his
attitudes are. Nor can we test his attitude report (as courts of law
try to do) by comparing his attitudes with his behavior. The
attitude-behavior discrepancy is well-known among social scientists
(7). The only validity check we can usually carry out on an attitude
scale is to observe whether or not the responses are internally
consistent. To this end, all scales in the present study were item
analyzed before use and assessed in terms of Cronbach's "alpha" (an
internal reliability statistic which corresponds in fact to the mean
of all possible split halves). If internal consistency is low, alpha
will be depressed. "Alpha" is preferable to a direct measure of
homogeneity (such as mean inter-item correlation) because it has the
additional feature of making some allowance for test length (number
of items in the scale). When alpha is adequate, the ultimate
interest in use of an attitude scale is the particular items which
are grouped together in it. The items of the present scales are
therefore available gratis from the authors.

The PD scale followed by the other scales was put into a single
questionnaire and mailed to a sample of Australians chosen at random
from the electoral rolls of the State of New South Wales. Because
electoral enrolment (voter registration) is compulsory in Australia,
the sampling frame was unusually comprehensive. The major omission
would be recent immigrants. It should be noted, however, that the
Australian franchise is so expansive that even many non-citizens are
allowed to vote and appear on the rolls (i.e., if they are citizens
of some other British Commonwealth country).

Before inclusion in the questionnaire, all PD items were examined
for suitability in a postal administration. Only two out of 50
(dealing with sex practices) had to be revised.

C. RESULTS

Of the 500 questionnaires despatched, 128 were returned. The
distribution of demographic characteristics observed in the
resultant sample was indistinguishable from that observed in
contemporaneous random doorstep samples carried out in the Sydney
(the New South Wales State capital) metropolitan area. Thus although
the final sample was certainly not random, it was at least
representative in terms of age, occupation, and education.

On the assumption that psychopathy might be sex-related, the
questionnaire had been sent to males only. Thirty-five of those
returned, however, had been answered by females. Analysis showed,
however, that PD score was fortunately not sex-related (r = -.140).
All subsequent analyses are therefore based on the combined group.

Under item-analysis, 18 PD scale items were found not to correlate
significantly with the scale total. This left a 32-item scale with a
reliability of .85. Because of its clinical origin, the number of PD
items that had to be deleted was not unexpected. It might be noted,
however, that shortening a scale from 50 to 32 items could seriously
alter its validity properties. That this is highly unlikely in the
present case can be seen from the correlation between the two forms
of the scale. At .937 the correlation is high enough to warrant the
claim that whatever the 50-item scale measures, the 32-item scale
measures also. Reliabilities for the remaining (much shorter) scales
were as follows: Toughness .63, Social Desirability .58,
Relationships .'76, Permissiveness .60, Punitiveness .78, and
Machiavellianism .70.

Psychopathic tendencies in the normal population then were found to
be associated with a perception of one's self as not tough (r = -
.20) and as relating well to others (r = .22). Such tendencies were
also associated with attitudes of permissiveness towards children (r
= -.24) and rejection of punitiveness towards criminals (r = -.22).
Psychopathy also was related to Machiavellianism (r = .48) and
poorer education (r = -.21). Best of all, however, psychopaths were
exceptionally truthful about themselves. The correlation between PD
score and Social Desirability was -.32. All correlations mentioned
are significant at the .05 level. The correlations with the 50-item
scale closely paralleled those (derived from the 32-item PD scale)
given above.

Finally, it seemed appropriate to attempt to give consideration to
the view that psychopathy is not a continuous variable but rather an
isolated clinical category with no "normal" counterparts. One way of
taking at least a preliminary look at this proposition is to test
whether or not the observed relationships would survive a division
of all PD scores into "highs" versus "lows." Since dividing a
continuous variable into two categories normally throws away a great
deal of information, the significance of relationships can only
survive such a procedure relatively unscathed if most of the
discrimination is in any case grouped in a category rather than in a
continuous way: e.g., if most of the discrimination derived from the
characteristics of a small atypical group of high scorers.

To this end, the top third of the sample in terms of their PD scores
has been divided from the bottom two-thirds and compared for
differences in their mean scores on other variables. Only the
relationships with perceived toughness and Machiavellianism survive,
with ts of 2.03 and 4.23. Clearly, much of the discrimination
available from continuous scoring of the PD scale is lost. Since,
then, the PD scale gives substantial discrimination throughout its
range, the view that this scale works only to discriminate very high
scorers is counterindicated. Category-type treatment of the data was
then inappropriate.

D. DISCUSSION

Generally, the correlations reveal the subclinical psychopath as a
person rather remarkably like many people's ideal self-conception.
Who would not like to be honest, to be happy with one's
relationships, to feel sensitive rather than tough, to be permissive
and impunitive? Only the correlations with education and
Machiavellianism provide a jarring note. Perhaps, however, even the
amorality of the Machiavellian fits in rather well with a defensible
rejection of absolute moral standards.

Is not in fact the psychopath too good to be true? Could what we are
seeing in the above correlations be just another example of
psychopathic dissimulation? While this explanation cannot be
absolutely ruled out, the evidence of the social-desirability
correlation is against it. The questionnaire method in general is
rather limited by its reliance on the honesty of the respondent; yet
in the case of the psychopath it is precisely this limitation which
is largely absent. Exceptional honesty in self-description on the
part of the psychopath was both expected on the basis of previous
observations and obtained on the present occasion. Perhaps, then,
the validity of the Marlowe-Crowne social-desirability items should
be questioned in their present application. Could it not be that
psychopaths are acquainted with the tricks of the psychologist?
Perhaps they can see through lie scales and fake an honest response
on them. Again, the evidence is against this explanation. Far from
being an exceptionally sophisticated group, psychopaths have been
shown to be on the whole a, rather poorly educated group.

Is it, then, the PD scale which is at fault? Does it really measure
psychopathy? Since even clinical cases of psychopathy can often not
be uncontroversially diagnosed, this is an unanswerable question.
Only a much greater level of agreement about what constitutes
psychopathy than that which prevails at the moment could enable a
definitive answer. Given the in-built criterion-groups validity that
arises from the scale's method of construction and the homogeneity
of the items observed on the present occasion, we can, however, say
that the scale measures something consistently and that what that is
must have at least something to do with what is clinically described
as psychopathy.

Overall, then, the most parsimonious explanation of the present
results may be that we have here again an example of an inverted U
function. Both extremely high and extremely low levels of
psychopathy may be maladaptive, with intermediate levels being most
adaptive. The basis for saying that high levels of psychopathy are
maladaptive is, of course, the trouble into which clinical
psychopaths often get themselves. The basis for saying that low
levels of psychopathy may also be maladaptive stems from the common
observation of the role of anxiety in psychopathy: Psychopaths do
not seem to show any anxiety (5, 6). The debilitating function of
high levels of anxiety hardly needs to be stressed. In a normal, non
institutionalized population, therefore, their relative immunity
from anxiety may give psychopaths an advantage. While anxiety as
such was not studied in the present paper, this well-documented
relationship between psychopathy and anxiety may at least serve as a
hypothesis to explain the relatively favorable picture of the
psychopath that emerged from the present study.

REFERENCES

1. CHRISTIE, R., & GEIS, F. L. Studies in Machiavellianism. New
York: Academic, 1970.

2. CLECKLEY, H. The Mask of Sanity (5th ed.) St. Louis, Mo.: C.V.
Mosby, 1976.

3. EYSENCK, H. J., & EYSENCK, S. B. G. Psychopathy, personality and
genetics. Chap. 12 in R. D. Hare & D. Schalling (Eds.), Psychopathic
Behavior: Approaches to Research. Chichester, England: Wiley, 1978.

4. GREENWALD, H. J., & SATOW, Y. A short social desirability scale.
Psychol. Rep., 1970, 27, 131-135.

5. HARE, R. D. Psychopathy: Theory and Research. New York: Wiley,
1970.

6. HARRINGTON, A. Psychopaths. St. Albans, England: Panther Books,
1974.

7. RAY, J.J. (1976) Do authoritarians hold authoritarian attitudes?
Human Relations, 29, 307-325.

8. SMITH, R. J. The Psychopath in Society. New York: Academic, 1978.

9. WIDOM, C. S. A methodology for studying non-institutionalized
psychopaths. Chap. 5 in R. D. Hare & D. Schalling (Eds.),
Psychopathic Behaviour: Approaches to Research. Chichester, England:
Wiley, 1978.

School of Sociology, University of New South Wales P.O. Box 1,
Kensington, New South Wales, 2033, Australia

* Received in the Editorial Office, Provincetown, Massachusetts, on
July 31, 1981. Copyright, 1982, by The Journal Press.



APPENDIX -- STATEMENTS PRESENTED

Scale of perceived toughness

1. I can stand pain more easily than other people generally seem to
be able to do.

2. People usually walk all over me. (R)

3. I generally give in rather than fight. (R)

4. I usually get what I want in life.

5. I tend to be a bit of a coward. (R)

6. There are few obstacles I can't get around if I really want
something.

7. Even as a child I was a pretty tough customer.

8. I would never be able to withstand torture. (R)


Scale of perceived social ease

1. I don't get on with other people very well.

2. I make friends easily (R)

3. I feel that my relationships with other people are generally
rather shallow.

4. I find it hard to get really close to anybody.

5. I generally feel comfortable with other people (R)

6. I like people (R)

7. People are an open book to me. (R)

8. My friendships don't generally last very long.


Scale of attitude to children (Permissiveness versus discipline)

1. Spare the rod and spoil the child.

2. Children should be seen and not heard.

3. Physical punishment of children should be outlawed. (R)

4. Children need plenty of discipline.

5. Children respond well to a firm hand.

6. Children should be left to do pretty much as they please. (R)

7. Sometimes physical punishment is the only thing children seem to
understand.


Scale of attitude towards criminals (Punitiveness)

1. Punishment does not deter crime. (R)

2. Prison sentences today are not long enough.

3. The life sentence far serious crime should mean life.

4. More criminals should be made to do hard labour when they are in
prisons.

5. Prisons should be more like hospitals or schools than they are
today. (R)

6. What criminals need is guidance rather than punishment. (R)

7. Prisons should be more humane than they are today. (R)

8. Flogging should have no place in a modern prison system. (R)

9. Hanging should be brought back as a penalty for serious crime.

10. Violent crime should be harshly punished.

11. All prisons should be pulled down. (R)

12. A lynching party may be the best way to deal with rapists.


Note: Agreement with an item marked "°R" is scored the same as
disagreement with an item not marked "R".

NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) and AsPD (Antisocial
Personality
Disorder)

http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/faq15.html

http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/faq82.html

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/faq45.html

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/faq57.html

http://open-
site.org/Health/Conditions_and_Diseases/Psychiatric_Disorders/Persona
lity/Antisocial/

Narcissism on Crime TV

http://www.crimelibrary.com/serial_killers/predators/gerald_stano/4.h
tml?sect=2

Crime and Terrorism

http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/serialkillers.html (PopMatters.com)

http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/12.html (The Idler)

Corporate Narcissism

http://www.suite101.com/bulletin.cfm/6514/10621 (New York Times)

http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/corporatenarcissism.html (United
Press
International - Part I, Part II)

http://www.nypress.com/16/7/news&columns/feature.cfm (New York Press)

Listen to "Psychopaths in Suits" on Australia's ABC Radio

http://www.abc.net.au/rn/talks/bbing/mod/bbing_18072004_2856.ram

Or read the transcript here:

http://www.abc.net.au/rn/talks/bbing/stories/s1158704.htm

Abusive Relationships

http://www.suite101.com/topic_page.cfm/6514/2051

http://www.suite101.com/bulletin.cfm/18046/12847

Mirror, Mirror ... (Toronto Sun)

http://www.canoe.ca/NewsStand/TorontoSun/Lifestyle/2004/08/30/608650.
html

#3951 From: "Sam Vaknin" <palma@...>
Date: Mon Aug 29, 2005 1:11 pm
Subject: Help Fight Narcissistic Abuse!
vaksam
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Help spread the word - Forward this message to interested parties and
relevant discussion groups!

Refer journalists and editors to my media kit:

http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/mediakit.html


Pathological narcissism may be the undiscovered, and most under-
reported, epidemic of our age.

Some (like Christopher Lasch) say that our whole civilization is
infected with narcissism.

Many (maybe even the majority of) criminals and abusers are
narcissists, or have narcissistic traits.

So what is "Narcissistic Abuse"?

All of these, and more, are part of it:
· Emotional abuse,
· Mental cruelty,
· Systematic abusive manipulation,
· Pathological control,
· Pathological deceit,

Narcissistic Abuse can, and does, occur in any setting. It can
affect one person, or an entire community.

· In a relationship,
· In a family,
· In the workplace,
· In School or College
· In any other community,

Wherever it occurs, Narcissistic Abuse always causes lasting
damage , often serious damage, sometimes very permanent damage.

Narcissistic Abuse is difficult to prove at all, let alone sanction
or control.

For the victims recovery can take far to long. There are too few
resources and too little is understood.


SO WHAT CAN WE DO TOGETHER TO CHANGE THAT?

(I can be contacted  directly for any assistance I can give, with the
following, at mailto:palma@...)

1. Ask your local library to buy books about narcissism and
narcissistic abuse.

2. Ask your local bookstores to buy books about narcissism and
narcissistic abuse.

3. Contact journalists, columnists, talk show hosts, and other
people in the media and tell them about narcissism and narcissistic
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4. Establish an online or offline reading group, perhaps in
collaboration with your local library or bookstore.

5. Tell your psychologist, therapist, psychiatrist, or social worker
about narcissism and narcissistic abuse.

6. Open your OWN NARCISSISM WEB SITE! Mirror (replicate) my web site
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HOW CAN I HELP YOU FURTHER?

I can provide:
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· Background material and references
· I am available for interviews and know of others who are
· Any other assistance that may be needed

Help fight Narcissistic Abuse!

Sam

Sam Vaknin, Ph.D.
E-mail : palma@... OR (as backup) vaknin@...
http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/
(Narcissistic Personality Disorder)
http://www.suite101.com/welcome.cfm/npd
http://www.suite101.com/welcome.cfm/verbal_emotional_abuse
http://www.suite101.com/welcome.cfm/spousal_domestic_abuse
(Relationships with Abusive Narcissists)
http://ceeandbalkan.tripod.com/
(The Politics and Economies of Countries in Transition)
http://busiweb.cjb.net
(Internet Matters and Business on the Web)
http://philosophos.tripod.com/
(Philosophical Musings)
http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/thebook.html
(Buy "Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited

#3950 From: "Sam Vaknin" <vaksam@...>
Date: Sun Aug 28, 2005 2:11 pm
Subject: Narcissistic Personality Disorder links
vaksammt
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MedlinePlus Medical Encyclopedia: Narcissistic personality disorder
Narcissistic personality disorder is a condition characterized by an
inflated
... Narcissistic personality disorder usually begins by early adulthood and
is ...
http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/ency/article/000934.htm

American Psychotherapy Association
Assessment, diagnosis, treatment, narcissistic personality disorder.
Narcissistic
Personality Disorder (NPD) is essentially characterized as a long-term, ...
http://www.americanpsychotherapy.com/online_magazine_article_3004.php

Narcissistic Personality Disorder: a factsheet from the Mental ...
Factsheet on Narcissistic Personality Disorder: information from the Mental
Health
Foundation.
http://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/page.cfm?pagecode=PMNZNA

NPD Central
NPD Central is a resource for Mental Health Professionals, Victims and
Sufferers
of Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
http://www.npd-central.org/

Introduction: Narcissistic Personality Disorder - WrongDiagnosis.com
Introduction to Narcissistic Personality Disorder as a medical condition
including
symptoms, diagnosis, misdiagnosis, treatment, prevention, and prognosis.
http://www.wrongdiagnosis.com/n/narcissistic_personality_disorder/intro.htm

#3949 From: "Sam Vaknin" <vaksam@...>
Date: Sat Aug 27, 2005 1:33 pm
Subject: Tell Us What You Think - Analyze This - THE FUTURE OF MADELEINE
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Click on this link and contribute your views:
 
 
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General : Analyze This - THE FUTURE OF MADELEINE - by Dr. Sam Vaknin
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From: MSN Nicknamefemfree  (Original Message) Sent: 8/26/2005 7:53 PM
Hi,
 
My name is Sam Vaknin and I am a narcissist. I wrote 15 stories (short fiction) about narcissists.

The owners and moderators of this great support group will post one of my stories each week and ask you, the members, to comment on it.

The best way to go about it is to read the text of the story and then click on the links to additional relevant resources.

Having done that, scroll down to the reading guide. It contains questions to ponder, issues that the story raises, and commentary.

Feel free to react, argue, agree, and disagree.

At the end of the week, I will respond to your comments and wrap up the thread.
 
WARNING - Graphic scenes in the text!

 
The Future of Madeleine
 
By Sam Vaknin

Madeleine lodged us in a tiny cubicle at the end of a corridor. Her establishment is all tidy and neat, but miniature. Madeleine's doll house, this hotel. At dawn, she rises and fixes a basic breakfast in the ground floor kitchenette. Scents of bacon and fried eggs waft through the building and shifts change at the reception desk, the weary loudly welcoming their alert replacements.

Madeleine takes note with gravity of the report submitted by the outgoing crew and updates the incomers with its details. Her make-up always fresh, her hair fluffy, her attire impeccable and stainless. Her sexuality harnessed by a prim-looking business suit, her lipstick an insinuated crimson.

Eli blinks at the sun and shields his eyes under a sinewy arm, flanked by two thick and raven eyebrows.

"They should pass a law." - he argues to no one in particular - "People ought to work by night and sleep throughout the day. Let the nocturnal be diurnal and vice versa."

The same sentence every tortured awakening. His ostentatious misery provokes contagious mirth in both of us. We go hysterical among the crumpled sheets, beating the shrunken pillows with our fists (his outsizing mine). At long last, Eli gets up and goes to shave and shower in the nude.

I am not embarrassed. Straddling the minuscule bath tub, I mutter:

"We are penniless."

"Yes, I am aware of it" - sighs Eli and whips the sink with lathered razor. He uses his fleshy backhand to wipe the frothy mirror. Pressing his nostrils upwards, ham-handed, he shaves the cobalt patches of his nascent beard and whiskers.

"I got myself a sucker for a backgammon match. He is from Iran. Was a Minister of labor or agriculture or something like that ..." - he hisses a curse and cleanses a pearl of blood from prominent chin.

"What else?" - I enquire offhandedly. I know Eli well. He is too calm.

"Listen," - he enthuses as though the idea just budded in his mind - "there is this Jewish cardiologist, filthy rich, Marc. He lives all by himself in a six-room apartment in the sixteenth arrondissement. I introduced him to this chick and now they are getting hitched."

I keep my peace, awaiting the dΓ©nouement. Eli eyes me slyly:

"I told him you are a genius and that we are planning a convention of Sephardim in Israel, sponsored by Itzhak Navon, the former president. It set him on fire."

I cross my legs and inspect closely a bloodied mole embedded in my thigh.

"What have you got there?" - enquires Eli - "Anyhow, this guy is loaded, I am telling you. We can easily fleece him for five grand or more for the consultancy we are planning on opening here, in Paris. Add to this my cousin's money and the dough from the dentist and that computer guy - and we are in business."

"If it survives your gambling" - I interject tranquilly.

"You are such a doomsayer!" - Eli fumes, banging the bathroom door behind him.

A minute later, smirking - "Remember the wife of the Sorbonne professor at yesterday's dinner?" - I nod - "She called me this morning. She wants to interview me for a WIZO newsletter, or some such. I told her the only way to quiz me is on my bed, in my hotel room. She laughed and said that this is how she conducts all her assignments anyhow." - marvels Eli - "So, take a walk, knock back some coffee, munch on a croissant or something."

There is a cramped restaurant on the intersection, up the street, opposite the Military Academy. Every afternoon, for months now, I eat my duck in garlic there. Sometimes, Eli and I adopt this mock Swedish accent and demand the most improbable of dishes, barely able to contain our hilarity. The tortured waiters shun us.

Now, waiting for a table to clear, I bury my head in giant mug of greasy coffee replete with floating isles of pastry. Then back to the hotel in a deliberate slow motion.

Eli is sitting on a chair, bare feet on window ledge. The bed a muddle of ejaculated sheets. He casts a sluggish glance in my direction, upheaves, and dresses perfunctorily.

"I fixed with Marc. He is waiting for us. Don't start with petulant expressions and your usual brattiness. Be nice, we can no longer afford even our morning coffee."

A scarface Vietnamese with a tintinnabulary dialect minds the reception desk in the deserted lobby. Eli looks disappointed but mumbles "morning". We stroll towards the nearest metro station down the street.

Marc's spacious abode is in a newly renovated building. Bareness reverberates through six high-ceilinged rooms. The hulking cardiologist lives in the kitchen. He butchers meditatively a silver herring wrapped in a slab of putrid cheese laid on an ageing slice of bread. He licks lubricious swollen fingers, extending them for handshake, and smacks his fleshy lips.

"Sit down, please" - he utters cordially - "You're welcome!". His Hebrew, guttural and broken. Though somewhat stooping, Marc has the countenance of a Belmondo. Eli attacks the remnants of the kipper, stuffing his face with staling crumbs. "Where's Mazal?" - he enquires, between the mouthfuls, dodging digested scraps.

Masticating, Marc responds:

"She suddenly took off. She said she couldn't stand it here."

There follows a duet of smarmy nibbles, the unctuous morsels of a feigned alliance and selfish solidarity, the smutty autopsy of smoke-dried, gutted love.

Eli assures him: "I will get her back to you" and Marc embarks on careful planning, strategy and tactics of the reconquista - when Mazal steps indoors. A vague air of long lost familiarity, a memorable face - the curving forehead, dark ponds for eyes, a boxer's nose.

"Marc" - she exclaims.

Sheathed in a hail of breadcrumbs and disintegrating cheese, the ursine pilgrim approaches her: "Mazal!"

They do not touch each other, not even the customary kiss on cheek. Mazal says: "I am going to put my things in the bedroom" - and smiles at me.

Eli coughs politely:

"Marc, we will leave you, guys, alone. Be a man, won't you? Show your love, woo her, be romantic. A woman is not a cow, to mount, to screw, and then to turn your back on and go to sleep. A woman needs attention, flowers, a restaurant and orchestra on her birthday, buy her a fresh dress here and there. Plunge your hand in your pocket. Be stingy and die lonely!"

Marc assents despondently, his eyes riveted to Mazal's swaying buttocks.

"Marc" - implores Eli - "let's finish this business with the money. To establish the firm, I must deposit it in the bank this afternoon. "

Marc casts a haunted, ensnared glance at Eli's general direction.

But Eli strikes relentless:

"Marc, she'll be out of the room any minute now. If we keep arguing over these stinking five thousand dollars, you will lose her forever. Either you're in or you're out. The time to decide is here and now."

"I'm in, I'm in" - stammers Marc, defeated. He noisily dodders to the adjacent room. Eli winks at me expectantly. Marc returns with a bulky wad of cash and a stained, much folded, piece of rubricated paper.

"Sign this, both you" - he growls and, mournfully, to himself: "fifty thousand francs."

"A mere five thousand dollars" - Eli corrects him - "and the money doubles each half a year or so. Welcome, partner!"

Marc reciprocates with a feeble handshake and crumbles onto a kitchen stool. The flickering neon light weighs on his luxuriant eyelids, skirting the shady folds under his sockets. Eli bows and whispers hoarsely in our sponsor's hirsute ear: "Go to her, Marc. She is waiting for you. She is a woman."

Marc gestures half-heartedly but doesn't budge. Eli shrugs disparagingly and signals me to follow him.

Back in the street, he gleefully observes:

"She'll never stay with him."

We promenade in silence and then:

"It's five thousand US dollars we made today! We earned ourselves a normal lunch for a change. I haven't eaten properly since all those bets."

Eli used to wager meals in fine eateries on the outcomes of a quiz. The terms were thus: the dupe he lured could ask me ten questions which I correctly answered. I, in my turn, would then perplex the prey with a single, insoluble, challenge. I never lost. But when I won from Eli his platinum tie clip and pair of cufflinks, the betting stopped.

A tangled web of avenues and squares, the foliaged daubs of green and orange, the ash-clad buildings eerily aglow. Swirling bouquets of men in women, hormone-exuding teens, whores and their clients are negotiating seed. Paris perspires lust under the seething sun.

The corner drugstore is congested. Eli devours the headlines of a week-old Israeli paper. He doesn't even notice Mayer who occupies a seat beside him. His lips give shape to writhing syllables. Mayer regards his efforts with nauseated fascination.

"Eli" - I exclaim - "Look who is here! If it isn't Mayer!"

"Mayer!" - Eli wrinkles the daily - "What are you doing here? When did you arrive? Care for a little backgammon match?"

Mayer sneers, his bellows chest pulsating. With effeminate hand, he smears the effluence of the mall's tropic micro-climate on his balding head.

"You are still the same, you piece of shit" - he roars and they embrace affectionately.

Eli and Mayer are always in the throes of some conspiracy and I stay in the room, deterred by the metropolitan expanse, leafing through an illustrated French encyclopedia. Madeleine intrudes infrequently, ostensibly to enquire of my needs, but really to find out if Eli had returned.

I pity her. I say:

"Eli met a friend of his from Israel. His name is Mayer."

She snorts bitterly and hangs up on my compassion.

Eli and Mayer stagger into the hotel at night, with fur-packed beauties hanging on their arms. Up, in the room, Eli points a stubby finger and enquires: "How much to do this guy?" - They gauge me unappreciatively and mumble something. Eli and Mayer burst into convulsive merriment.

Eli continues, exhaling heavily: "And that includes his dog?"

The girls recoil, torrentially blaspheming, and fling their imitation leather purses at the now much-bolted door.

Their voices fade along the corridor and up the creaking stairs.

I am left alone, in thought, pierced by their assaying gaze, when Eli breaks into the room, stark-naked, and drags me to the floor above.

"Come, come!" - he hastens me - "You mustn't miss this! Two stunners making it. This is something you have never seen before, I bet!"

"I don't want to!" - I whisper, prying my shoulder loose from his clammy vise - "Leave me alone!" - and I retreat, scuttling, to the safety of the landing.

"You are a nutcase, that's what you are!" - Eli now pelts me from his elevated perch - "Even a homosexual would be excited! Such knockouts, a ton of breasts, exquisite asses, that's what you are missing, you hear me?"

By morning his wrath subsides. Casting a waxy arm over his fluttering eyes, he blocks the fervid light and croaks:

"They should pass a law."

"Where's Mayer?" - I enquire.

"Up in the room." - he giggles - "Stuck with the whores. They claim to have been nurses in a hospital. When he revives, he will have to pay them." - he finds it sidesplitting.

"Madeleine was looking for you." - I informed him and added - "Many times." I evaded his scolding stare, turning the pages in my book in the wrong direction.

"What did you tell her?" - he rasps.

"Nothing whatsoever."

"And she?"

"Said none."

 "We will visit her this evening" - Eli decrees and drops the subject altogether.

A few minutes later:

"Stay here" - he exits and locks the door behind him.

I contemplate the wooden planks that stand between me and the hallway and ruffle the pages of my book. When I rise to fill my cup with water from the corner sink, the walls reverberate with Mayer's blows.

"Where is the son of a bitch?" - he bawls - "Wait till I lay my hands on him!"

"He is not here. He descended earlier." Mayer digest the information and then attacks the doorknob viciously. "Is he inside? He locked you in?" - suspicion-impregnated pause - "Open the door! You won't?"

"He locked me in, he's gone, I have no key, I cannot open up" - and Mayer curses audibly. He is suddenly besieged by agitated female voices and tries to weave his tattered French into a sentence. The sounds recede as, having yielded, he climbs to the cubicle, apparently to recompense them.

By now the hotel is virtually deserted of its guests and of their echoes. Time is marked by the cheerful banter of the staff, some heated arguments, the weary vacuuming of carpets, the squeaky linen trolley. The equanimity of the eternal. Bathed in anemic light, I watch my legs and arm, propped on a thickset book, with growing alienation. When Eli unlocks the door, he, too, does not belong. Not an invader but an error, the wrong protagonist of an unfinished novel.

Failing to pierce the dusk, he blinks his way towards the light switch and beats it into brightness. He eyes me intensely, his rare but most inspiring insect. "Get dressed. We need to be at Madeleine's in half an hour." A feline leap into the bathroom and Eli, urinates, legs wide apart, the door ajar, letting out the hissing voice and pungent smell of fizzing pee.

Still steeped in unreality, I kneel. >From battered suitcase, tucked under the bed, I extract a rumpled blazer, age-patinated pants. "Put on cravat!" - he snaps - "She is not a floozy, has a lot of style." - he sounds proud. I don a necktie.

"Now listen up" - Eli expounds - "I told her about you, she thinks you are a demigod. She is convinced that you can tell the future. A few things about her: she is widowed, rich, and lonely. She has a Turkish paramour, a yachtsman. He works the Paris line and ends here once a month."

"What does he look like?" - I probe and Eli, violently revolted, unfurls my tie knot and motions me to start anew.

"Tall, swarthy, beefy, moustache. She is addicted to me. She wants me to move over to her place."

"I realize that" - I retort, irritably - "I am not blind, you know."

The taxi crawls into a murky parking lot and Eli and I sneak towards the glass paned entrance and press the intercom. Madeleine buzzes us in immediately, no questions asked. Silhouetted against the backlit doorframe, extended arm on jamb, she is carved into her wavy gown. Eli pecks her turned cheek and brushes against her nipples. I do not.

She doesn't even wait for us to settle down, thrusting her palm forward, digits outspread, under my flushing face. Her robe unravels some, hinting at ample, creamy breasts.

"Give me a reading" - she commands me hoarsely. I notice now her layered makeup, the sweat ravines and mascara pools, shaven abrasions where chin meets neck.

I contemplate her tiny hand, curvaceous, and say:

"I see a man."

"Who is he?" - she prods with bated breath - "How does he look and what is our future?"

"A towering man of dark complexion ..." - a built-in hesitation, the vision blurring, Eli and I have practiced this on many women, a tiresome routine. I close my eyes, waggle my head, clasp knees in helplessness, writhe for a while, exhale:

"He wears a fine moustache. I see great waters ..."

She yelps in fear and joy.

"You are two lovers ... A boat, he is on it ... and the sea ..."

Eli suppresses yawns, but Madeleine vaults into her bedroom, barefooted thumps on tiled floor. These fleshy thuds arouse. She reappears and kneels beside me, scattering purplish Polaroids on a nearby coffee table.

"That's him" - she pinkie-indicates a snapshot - "In Turkey, Istanbul ..."

Her scent is primal, her neck too short but sculpted, she moistens lips with lithe, inviting tongue.

Eli boasts of me: "You see, what did I tell you? There's nothing he don't know, he see it all, a genius, he is the talk of every town in Israel ..."

"You must have told him in advance" - Madeleine pouts and lays a shapely arm on Eli's thigh. Hair sprouts shaggy in her cavernous armpit.

"I swear to you I haven't!" - Eli withdraws, offended.

"Your father took you when you were a child" - I startle both, reading the headlines of an inner bulletin unfolding - "You conceived his child and then aborted. I hear the baby whimpering."

For one delirious moment, they both appraise me, shocked, albeit for different reasons.

"What did you say?" - Eli recovers first but Madeleine shrieks, reduced to a blubbering heap of mouth and shoulders. The muted violence of buried words tears at her body. She rends the carpet and vainly reconstructs it. Still sobbing mutely, Eli consoles her impotently, casting condemning glances my way as though exclaiming "Look what you have done!".

Madeleine is quieter now but welled-up ripples traverse her crouching figure.

She whispers something and Eli puts an ear to quavering lips. Another hiss and Eli lays an incidental hand on Madeleine's heaving chest and counter-whispers. A lengthy verbal intercourse ensues. She nods assent and Eli jumps, enthused.

"Join me today to see something you haven't seen in your entire life!"

With Eli this could only mean sex but something in his voice forbids me to refuse, an ominous promise, a kind of incest. Madeleine strolls dreamily into her bedroom and emerges molded into a mustard toga and silver stiletto heels. Under the flowing robe, she is ensconced in nylon tights and a bikini top.

We drive through fluoresced, abandoned boulevards, awash with rustling leaves. A car or two speeds by, the metro stations gargle. Madeleine's numb face is ravaged by the intermittence of the lights. Her lifeless hands clutch at the steering wheel and hardly turn it left or right.

"It's here" - says Eli.

We descend few stairs to face a peeping hole embedded in a metal door which Eli raps. A mushroomed eye appears, withdraws, the gate is opened by a decaying woman, a brownish cigarette holder dangling from scarlet orifice. She motions us in with remnant grace.

We deposit overcoats and bags in a tucked-in wardrobe and negotiate a red-lit passageway into a bar. It's crowded. The patrons, slumped in upholstered armchairs and facing round glass-tops, are catered to by bow-tied waiters. These take their orders, serve them, replace the overspilling ashtrays, collect the checks, and smile profusely at the favored clients.

Eli shoves me towards a giant curtain.

"Cent-six" - he sounds awed - "One hundred and six. This is the address and the name of this establishment. The bar is merely cover. You could call it a hundred and five." - he tsks and snickers gruffly, his hand engirdling Madeleine's waist. Her eyes are distant now, her hair atypically disheveled. Skimpy clothes askew, her chalky body flares into the haze.

Eli rams his tailor's dummy toward the draped partition. He lets her pass and follows. I join them in a musky, clouded room. The light is dim, the cubicle immersed in droning chatter. Eli directs attention to the furthest corner: "She comes here every day. She must consume a bucketful of sperm."

A woman's head is bobbing in a virile loin, with one hand she is kneading his erupting masculinity, the other rubs another's member. Right next to them, a female self-impales on hoary groin. Eli drives Madeleine to the center, disrobes and strips her of her vestments with rapid sleight of hand.

She stands there, nude voluptuousness, uneasy feet and fisted palms, her eyes occluded. She breathes tortuously. Eli fondles her breasts and passes a lustful hand between her legs. Others approach and taste her hesitatingly. Five minutes later, she vanishes under a pack of males, tree branch obscured by bee hives. Only her toes are visible, bouncing, contracting, flexed and still, fanned and convergent. Men rise, wiping off semen and others take their steamy place. Men on her breasts, men on her limbs, men in her orifices.

A tall, dark woman invites me to a party. I decline, she shrugs and proposes to another. I fall asleep.

Eli stirs me awake.

"Let's go home" - he croaks. He rubs a pair of bloodshot eyes between two fingers.

"Where is Madeleine?" - I cover my mouth to arrest the morning odors.

"She is gone" - says Eli, ireful - "She went home and so should we. Come on."

It is a lengthy, silent stride to our hotel. Eli stops by the reception desk, as though awaiting someone.

Back in the room, he asks:

"How did you know about her father? He really mounted her when she was young."

"I didn't know. It sometimes happens. I can't control it."

Eli regards me skeptically and plunges to the bed, fully-attired. He rests his head on interlocking hands and canvasses the slanted ceiling. Then he turns on his side and begs:

"Please read my palm."

"Stop it, Eli. I am exhausted. It's been a long day. Anyhow I am bluffing, it's a charade, a con, a trick. You of all people should know that."

"Please divine my future" - Eli pleads, alarmed - "I have a feeling something real bad is going to happen soon."

I hold his massive palm in mine and study the sooty definite creeks that cross and intersect.

"You are losing your wife these very days" - I pronounce, almost inaudibly - "You are in Paris and she is no longer yours back home."

"What did you say, speak up, I am telling you!" - Eli panics.

"You are losing Zehava, OK? Now will you let me be?" - I shrill and keep grumbling - "You have already lost her, she is no longer yours", until I drop off.

I wake into the cadaverous silence of an early afternoon. Madeleine is on the phone:

"Samuel" - her voice is as imperious and decisive as ever - "Eli departed in the morning. Went back to Israel. Some kind of family emergency, he said."

I wait.

"I ask you to leave this hotel." - she carries on - "You owe me nothing, you don't have to pay. I will settle the accounts with Eli when he is back. I simply want you out of here this instant."

Sleep-drunk, exuding tar and alcohol, I petition her:

"Where will I go?"

"There's a small inn on the Left Bank. I reserved a room for you, it's cheap."

She hangs up on me.

I am in the midst of hurried packing when Eli calls:

"Shmuel" - his voice is crackling static, dim, and foreign - "Zehava has someone. She wants a divorce and to take the kids. I feel like a boatman who has lost his oars, the bitch. I go to Paris to make a living, to create a business for our future, and she whores around..."

I gently place the sizzling receiver on the bed and drag my book-laden suitcase to the corridor and then, thunderously, down the spiral staircase.

ADDITIONAL RESOURCES

Narcissists and Women

Narcissists, Sex and Fidelity

My Woman and I

That Thing Between a (Narcissistic) Man and a Woman

The Extramarital Narcissist

Dr. Jackal and Mr. Hide


QUESTIONS TO PONDER

This part is meant only to provoke thoughts. It is not a substitute to independent thinking, criticism, and analysis.

Is Eli's attitude towards women typical of narcissists?

What is the difference between narcissists and psychopaths? Some of the behaviors described in the story are more typical of the latter.

What is the role of sex in Eli's relationship with Madeleine?

Is narrator (Sam) more self-aware than Eli? If yes, does it make him guiltier?



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#3948 From: "Sam Vaknin" <palma@...>
Date: Fri Aug 26, 2005 11:10 am
Subject: Dialogs about Narcissism and Abuse in Relationships (Part XII) - No. 62
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NEW! Analyze This - Short Fiction about Narcissists

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Wednesday, March 9 2005, Letter Twelve to Sam Vaknin from Stephen
McDonnell

The foolish pursuit of beauty
Dear Sam

In letter no 3 , I wrote of Miss X who might well fill the
definition of frienemy. Frienemy was coined by the characters of the
TV show Sex in the City, about women in Manhattan and their ups and
downs with friends and lovers. Over the years I have seen the
ravages such frienemies wreak on people. They are hypocrites, and
liars, but for a good cause ­ they insist they have your best
interest at heart.

As an aside, I think I make a good foil for your thoughts. I ran
across a piece of wisdom - literally a piece of paper I found in the
street as I walked my dog - by Eugene Ionesco that goes, "It is not
the answer that enlightens, but the question." So let me change the
subject from evil to beauty.

Over the years it struck me that certain people are obsessed
with 'beauty'. They want to be beautiful, and they want to live in a
beautiful world, where there is no 'ugliness'. I confess to being
vain, but my tastes are not always the best. I remember a Hound's-
tooth pattern pair of pants I loved, that on hindsight were
horrible. But then everyone's tastes vary. Miss X, whom I mentioned,
used to tell me what was in and out. She had a very good sense of
coolness. Something that is a la mode, is not always beautiful, and
maybe that is where we should start a discussion. I believe NPDs
have a fine sense of what is attractive, both physically and
intellectually. They know that a web site that is high in the
rankings usually gets more attention than the small one that may
have more information but is not 'recognized'. They know that breast
implants or a full head of hair will attract the opposite sex. They
know that humans are attracted to beauty.

When does vanity become narcissism?

The legend of the most beautiful boy, Narcissus, is a lesson taught
to those who foolishly believe in beauty as an end all and a be all.
The beautiful Narcissus attracted the admiration and love of both
men and women. When a wood nymph fell in love with him, he ignored
her and she pined away. The god of vengeance, Nemesis, resurrected
her as Echo who could only repeat what she saw and heard. Sounds
like many who run after beauty. Nemesis punished Narcissus for his
hubris by having him look into a pool of water and falling in love
with that image.

If we look around us in magazines, newspapers, and films and on
television we are bombarded by images of beautiful people, people
who want to be looked at and admired simply because of their outer
surface. Some of them even make pornographic videos of themselves so
that even more people will want to look at them. None of them have
done anything to improve humankind's sort, they simply exist to be
admired and even worshiped like our friend the Narcissist.

Christopher Lasch has pointed out that we live in a Narcissistic
age, where image is more important than substance. Beauty is a
wonderful concept, but what is beautiful varies from culture to
culture. As the saying goes, beauty is in the eye of the beholder ­
because real beauty does not need another to exist, and one man's
meat may be another man's poison. Tastes vary. Canons of beauty vary
from year to year. Like fashion, what is in this year will be out
next year. Yet we continue to look for beauty, both in humans and in
nature.

I believe that when one sees beauty, it is like a bowl movement,
something that is natural and pleasurable, and that sometimes
stinks. Beauty provokes an emotion. For a narcissist, this emotion
is more important than anything. Because he or she sees how beauty
can capture people. In studies of monkeys, they were given the
choice between food and looking at pictures of high status monkeys
in their troupe ­ they often preferred looking at the pictures.
Beauty and status are linked in some way in our simian minds. It can
be assumed that looking better would benefit them in the long run,
as they would receive more attention and food.

There is a sexual attraction to beauty as well. Most young men and
women pass through a blossoming stage when they are beautiful,
attractive and naοve and the center of attention. They also go crazy
for an image, a rock idol or one of their professors. The need for a
beautiful image takes over their reasoning ­ the sexual drive and the
wish for power are intertwined. Most of us pass out of that stage,
if we are lucky, but the narcissist loves the attention, so wants to
continue to seek this state of bliss. They want to be the center of
attention and they act like beauty queens, strutting and posing.
Those youths who do not blossom take refuge in intellectual pursuits
or in crime; both of these avenues can also attract attention. Good
looks and grooming in the Ape world helps in the art of mating; it
shows that you are both healthy and have good genetic material.

The pursuit of absolute beauty is a human endeavor (despite some
examples of animal artists) that has no real reason to exist. Some
people devote their whole lives to beauty, either creating it or
criticing those who create. Are artists like the Bowerbird, building
a structure that attracts attention and mates? Is this the purpose
of beauty? Is it vainglorious?

Sam:

Tempted as I am to discuss the philosophy of aesthetics, I want to
refocus the discussion on pathological narcissism. I described my
perceptions, as a diagnosed narcissist, of beauty - and especially
of the bodily variety - in these pieces:

Narcissist, the Machine (The Narcissist's Self-Image)

Physique Dysmorphique (Narcissism and Body Dysmorphic Disorders)

Studying my Death (Narcissism and Mortality)

I think that a simple rule of thumb will do:

To admire beauty is not narcissistic. To admire one's own beauty is.
This is why I suggested the typology of somatic vs. cerebral
narcissists.

Narcissists are either cerebral or somatic. In other words, they
either generate their Narcissistic Supply by applying their bodies
or by applying their minds.

The somatic narcissist flaunts his sexual conquests, parades his
possessions, exhibits his muscles, brags about his physical
aesthetics or sexual prowess or exploits, is often a health freak
and a hypochondriac. The cerebral narcissist is a know-it-all,
haughty and intelligent "computer". He uses his awesome intellect,
or knowledge (real or pretended) to secure adoration, adulation and
admiration. To him, his body and its maintenance are a burden and a
distraction.

Both types are auto-erotic (psychosexually in love with themselves,
with their bodies and with their brain). Both types prefer
masturbation to adult, mature, interactive, multi-dimensional and
emotion-laden sex.

The cerebral narcissist is often celibate (even when he has a
girlfriend or a spouse). He prefers pornography and sexual auto-
stimulation to the real thing. The cerebral narcissist is sometimes
a latent (hidden, not yet outed) homosexual.

The somatic narcissist uses other people's bodies to masturbate. Sex
with him - pyrotechnics and acrobatics aside - is likely to be an
impersonal and emotionally alienating and draining experience. The
partner is often treated as an object, an extension of the somatic
narcissist, a toy, a warm and pulsating vibrator.

It is a mistake to assume type-constancy. In other words, all
narcissists are BOTH cerebral and somatic. In each narcissist, one
of the types is dominant. So, the narcissist is either
OVERWHELMINGLY cerebral - or DOMINANTLY somatic. But the other type,
the recessive (manifested less frequently) type, is there. It is
lurking, waiting to erupt.

The narcissist swings between his dominant type and his recessive
type. The latter is expressed mainly as a result of a major
narcissistic injury or life crisis.

Sex for the narcissist is an instrument designed to increase the
number of Sources of Narcissistic Supply. If it happens to be the
most efficient weapon in the narcissist's arsenal – he makes
profligate use of it. In other words: if the narcissist cannot
obtain adoration, admiration, approval, applause, or any other kind
of attention by other means (e.g., intellectually) – he resorts to
sex.

He then become a satyr (or a nymphomaniac): indiscriminately engages
in sex with multiple partners. His sex partners are considered by
him to be objects - sources of Narcissistic Supply. It is through
the processes of successful seduction and sexual conquest that the
narcissist derives his badly needed narcissistic "fix".

The narcissist is likely to perfect his techniques of courting and
regard his sexual exploits as a form of art. He usually exposes this
side of him – in great detail – to others, to an audience, expecting
to win their approval and admiration. Because the Narcissistic
Supply in his case is in the very act of conquest and (what he
perceives to be) subordination – the narcissist is forced to hop
from one partner to another.

Some narcissists prefer "complicated" situations. If men – they
prefer virgins, married women, frigid or lesbian women, etc. The
more "difficult" the target – the more rewarding the narcissistic
outcome. Such a narcissist may be married, but he does not regard
his extra-marital affairs as either immoral or a breach of any
explicit or implicit contract between him and his spouse.

He keeps explaining to anyone who cares to listen that his other
sexual partners are nothing to him, meaningless, that he is merely
taking advantage of them and that they do not constitute a threat
and should not be taken seriously by his spouse. In his mind a clear
separation exists between the honest "woman of his life" (really, a
saint) and the whores that he is having sex with.

With the exception of the meaningful women in his life, he tends to
view all females in a bad light. His behaviour, thus, achieves a
dual purpose: securing Narcissistic Supply, on the one hand – and re-
enacting old, unresolved conflicts and traumas (abandonment by
Primary Objects and the Oedipal conflict, for instance).

When inevitably abandoned by his spouse – the narcissist is
veritably shocked and hurt. This is the sort of crisis, which might
drive him to psychotherapy. Still, deep inside, he feels compelled
to continue to pursue precisely the same path. His abandonment is
cathartic, purifying. Following a period of deep depression and
suicidal ideation – the narcissist is likely to feel cleansed,
invigorated, unshackled, ready for the next round of hunting.

But there is another type of narcissist. He also has bouts of sexual
hyperactivity in which he trades sexual partners and tends to regard
them as objects. However, with him, this is a secondary behaviour.
It appears mainly after major narcissistic traumas and crises.

A painful divorce, a devastating personal financial upheaval – and
this type of narcissist adopts the view that the "old"
(intellectual) solutions do not work anymore. He frantically gropes
and searches for new ways to attract attention, to restore his False
Ego (=his grandiosity) and to secure a subsistence level of
Narcissistic Supply.

Sex is handy and is a great source of the right kind of supply: it
is immediate, sexual partners are interchangeable, the solution is
comprehensive (it encompasses all the aspects of the narcissist's
being), natural, highly charged, adventurous, and pleasurable. Thus,
following a life crisis, the cerebral narcissist is likely to be
deeply involved in sexual activities – very frequently and almost to
the exclusion of all other matters.

However, as the memories of the crisis fade, as the narcissistic
wounds heal, as the Narcissistic Cycle re-commences and the balance
is restored – this second type of narcissist reveals his true
colours. He abruptly loses interest in sex and in all his sexual
partners. The frequency of his sexual activities deteriorates from a
few times a day – to a few times a year. He reverts to intellectual
pursuits, sports, politics, voluntary activities – anything but sex.

This kind of narcissist is afraid of encounters with the opposite
sex and is even more afraid of emotional involvement or commitment
that he fancies himself prone to develop following a sexual
encounter. In general, such a narcissist withdraws not only
sexually – but also emotionally. If married – he loses all overt
interest in his spouse, sexual or otherwise. He confines himself to
his world and makes sure that he is sufficiently busy to preclude
any interaction with his nearest (and supposedly dearest).

He becomes completely immersed in "big projects", lifelong plans, a
vision, or a cause – all very rewarding narcissistically and all
very demanding and time consuming. In such circumstances, sex
inevitably becomes an obligation, a necessity, or a maintenance
chore reluctantly undertaken to preserve his sources of supply (his
family or household).

The cerebral narcissist does not enjoy sex and by far prefers
masturbation or "objective", emotionless sex, like going to
prostitutes. Actually, he uses his mate or spouse as an "alibi", a
shield against the attentions of other women, an insurance policy
which preserves his virile image while making it socially and
morally commendable for him to avoid any intimate or sexual contact
with others.

Ostentatiously ignoring women other than his wife (a form of
aggression) he feels righteous in saying: "I am a faithful husband".
At the same time, he feels hostility towards his spouse for
ostensibly preventing him from freely expressing his sexuality, for
isolating him from carnal pleasures.

The narcissist's thwarted logic goes something like this: "I am
married/attached to this woman. Therefore, I am not allowed to be in
any form of contact with other women which might be interpreted as
more than casual or businesslike. This is why I refrain from having
anything to do with women – because I am being faithful, as opposed
to most other immoral men.

However, I do not like this situation. I envy my free peers. They
can have as much sex and romance as they want to – while I am
confined to this marriage, chained by my wife, my freedom curbed. I
am angry at her and I will punish her by abstaining from having sex
with her."

Thus frustrated, the narcissist minimises all manner of intercourse
with his close circle (spouse, children, parents, siblings, very
intimate friends): sexual, verbal, or emotional. He limits himself
to the rawest exchanges of information and isolates himself
socially.

His reclusion insures against a future hurt and avoids the intimacy
that he so dreads. But, again, this way he also secures abandonment
and the replay of old, unresolved, conflicts. Finally, he really is
left alone by everyone, with no Secondary Sources of Supply.

In his quest to find new sources, he again embarks on ego-mending
bouts of sex, followed by the selection of a spouse or a mate (a
Secondary Narcissistic Supply Source). Then the cycle re-commence: a
sharp drop in sexual activity, emotional absence and cruel
detachment leading to abandonment.

The second type of narcissist is mostly sexually loyal to his
spouse. He alternates between what appears to be hyper-sexuality and
asexuality (really, forcefully repressed sexuality). In the second
phase, he feels no sexual urges, bar the most basic. He is,
therefore, not compelled to "cheat" upon his mate, betray her, or
violate the marital vows. He is much more interested in preventing a
worrisome dwindling of the kind of Narcissistic Supply that really
matters. Sex, he says to himself, contentedly, is for those who can
do no better.

Somatic narcissists tend to verbal exhibitionism. They tend to brag
in graphic details about their conquests and exploits. In extreme
cases, they might introduce "live witnesses" and revert to total,
classical exhibitionism. This sits well with their tendency
to "objectify" their sexual partners, to engage in emotionally-
neutral sex (group sex, for instance) and to indulge in autoerotic
sex.

The exhibitionist sees himself reflected in the eyes of the
beholders. This constitutes the main sexual stimulus, this is what
turns him on. This outside "look" is also what defines the
narcissist. There is bound to be a connection. One (the
exhibitionist) may be the culmination, the "pure case" of the other
(the narcissist).

(continued below)

==================================================

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======================================================

Stephen:

Are narcissists homosexual by nature?

The Irish philosopher John O'Donahue author of the best seller Anam
Cara has written another book entitled Beauty, and in it he posits
that beauty is the cure to everything. Ah, if only this was true ­
those who would agree with him believe in perfection. They do not
want a fly in their soup. Years ago I met a young French man of
noble birth who was also homosexual. As we walked the boulevards of
Paris, full of interesting people, he told me that he found them all
ugly. For him only someone who looked like him, and shared his
sexual desires, was beautiful. No wonder Freud connected the love of
oneself embodied in narcissism to homosexuality!

The drive of a narcissist seems to be toward finding someone just
like them; they are seeking the image that they created, the clone
of themselves, their alter ego, and the virtual image in the mirror.
Most narcissists see their outside image as the having the same sex
as themselves. This other, has stepped out of their body and wonders
around doing and saying things. Within the hollow darkness of their
souls sits another entity that is a shriveled person that never
developed beyond childhood. I suspect that thing looks like one of
the children suffering from early aging. No wonder they look for
beauty, because they hate themselves. I am conjecturing here, and
only Sam can tell me if I am wrong.

Where does the pursuit of beauty take the NPD? When Hitler visited
Rome, Mussolini - the inventor of fascism ­ had false house fronts
put up, hiding the ugliness that he despised. (Vladimir Putin did
the same thing during the St Petersburg anniversary celebrations.)
Italians are particularly attuned to how things look; is this one of
the wellsprings of fascism? Hypocrisy taken to its fullest
expression? Hitler and his gang hated the looks of Jews, Gypsies and
homosexuals. They were vermin that mired the Nazi idea of a
beautiful perfect society. Maybe this is why I cringe when I hear
someone talking about beauty in a certain way; I wonder if they want
perfection rather than reality. An I suspect that their dreams will
become our nightmares!

Reading a book by a famous landscape artist, I ran across a funny
story. He liked to wander the countryside looking for 'picturesque'
scenes to draw and paint. He found a barn full of junk and very
dilapidated, and he asked the farmer if he could do a painting of
it. When he returned a week later he found that the farmer had
cleaned out everything and painted it bright red, destroying the
beauty the painter found appealing. One man's meat is another man's
masterpiece.

In conclusion, I think that beauty can be found everywhere. Those
who try to capture it and exclude everything else are blind to real
beauty. Narcissists want to impose their concepts and ideas of
beauty on others. Most of the foolish chasers of beauty are
dangerous because they believe their opinions are sacrosanct. They
are not really lovers of beauty, but of their own tastes in beauty,
and that is a dangerous thing. Like Martha Stewart, a oparagons of
taste, they dictate beauty and so crush anything that they find
ugly. Remember the story of Cinderella!

Sam:

I am a heterosexual and thus deprived of an intimate acquaintance
with certain psychological processes, which allegedly are unique to
homosexuals. I find it hard to believe that there are such
processes, to begin with. Research failed to find any substantive
difference between the psychological make-up of a narcissist who
happens to have homosexual preferences – and a heterosexual
narcissist.

They both are predators, devouring Narcissistic Supply Sources as
they go. Narcissists look for new victims, the way tigers look for
prey – they are hungry. Hungry for adoration, admiration,
acceptance, approval, and any other kind of attention. Old sources
die easy – once taken for granted, the narcissistic element of
conquest vanishes.

Conquest is important because it proves the superiority of the
narcissist. The very act of subduing, subjugating, or acquiring the
power to influence someone provides the narcissist with Narcissistic
Supply. The newly conquered idolise the narcissist and serve as a
trophies.

The act of conquering and subordinating is epitomized by the sexual
encounter - an objective and atavistic interaction. Making love to
someone means that the consenting partner finds the narcissist (or
one or more of his traits, such as his intelligence, his physique,
even his money) irresistible.

The distinction between passive and active sexual partners is
mechanical, false, superfluous and superficial. Penetration does not
make one of the parties "the stronger one". To cause someone to have
sex with you is a powerful stimulus – and always provokes a
sensation of omnipotence. Whether one is physically passive or
active – one is always psychosexually active.

Anyone who has unsafe sex is gambling with his life – though the
odds are much smaller than public hysteria would have us believe.
Reality does not matter, though – it is the perception of reality
that matters. Getting this close to (perceived) danger is the
equivalent of engaging in self-destruction (suicide). Narcissists
are, at times, suicidal and are always self-destructive.

There is, however, one element, which might be unique to
homosexuals: the fact that their self-definition hinges on their
sexual identity. I know of no heterosexual who would use his sexual
preferences to define himself almost fully. Homosexuality has been
inflated to the level of a sub-culture, a separate psychology, or a
myth. This is typical of persecuted minorities. However, it does
have an influence on the individual. Preoccupation with body and sex
makes most homosexual narcissists SOMATIC narcissists.

Moreover, the homosexual makes love to a person of the SAME sex – in
a way, to his REFLECTION. In this respect, homosexual relations are
highly narcissistic and autoerotic affairs.

The somatic narcissist directs his libido at his body (as opposed to
the cerebral narcissist, who concentrates upon his intellect). He
cultivates it, nourishes and nurtures it, is often an hypochondriac,
dedicates an inordinate amount of time to its needs (real and
imaginary). It is through his body that this type of narcissist
tracks down and captures his Supply Sources.

The supply that the somatic narcissist so badly requires is derived
from his form, his shape, his build, his profile, his beauty, his
physical attractiveness, his health, his age. He downplays
Narcissistic Supply directed at other traits. He uses sex to
reaffirm his prowess, his attractiveness, or his youth. Love, to
him, is synonymous with sex and he focuses his learning skills on
the sexual act, the foreplay and the coital aftermath.

Seduction becomes addictive because it leads to a quick succession
of Supply Sources. Naturally, boredom (a form of transmuted
aggression) sets in once the going gets routine. Routine is counter-
narcissistic by definition because it threatens the narcissist's
sense of uniqueness.

An interesting side issue relates to transsexuals.

Philosophically, there is little difference between a narcissist who
seeks to avoid his True Self (and positively to become his False
Self) – and a transsexual who seeks to discard his true gender. But
this similarity, though superficially appealing, is questionable.

People sometimes seek sex reassignment because of advantages and
opportunities which, they believe, are enjoyed by the other sex.
This rather unrealistic (fantastic) view of the other is faintly
narcissistic. It includes elements of idealised over-valuation, of
self-preoccupation, and of objectification of one's self. It
demonstrates a deficient ability to empathise and some grandiose
sense of entitlement ("I deserve to be taken care of") and
omnipotence ("I can be whatever I want to be – despite nature/God").

This feeling of entitlement is especially manifest in some gender
dysphoric individuals who aggressively pursue hormonal or surgical
treatment. They feel that it is their inalienable right to receive
it on demand and without any strictures or restrictions. For
instance, they oftentimes refuse to undergo psychological evaluation
or treatment as a condition for the hormonal or surgical treatment.

It is interesting to note that both narcissism and gender dysphoria
are early childhood phenomena. This could be explained by
problematic Primary Objects, dysfunctional families, or a common
genetic or biochemical problem. It is too early to say which. As
yet, there isn't even an agreed typology of gender identity
disorders – let alone an in-depth comprehension of their sources.

A radical view, proffered by Ray Blanchard, seems to indicate that
pathological narcissism is more likely to be found among non-core,
ego-dystonic, autogynephilic transsexulas and among heterosexual
transvestites. It is less manifest in core, ego-syntonic, homosexual
transsexuals.

Autogynephilic transsexuals are subject to an intense urge to become
the opposite sex and, thus, to be rendered the sexual object of
their own desire. In other words, they are so sexually attracted to
themselves that they wish to become both lovers in the romantic
equation - the male and the female. It is the fulfilment of the
ultimate narcissistic fantasy with the False Self as a fetish
("narcissistic fetish").

Autogynephilic transsexuals start off as heterosexuals and end up as
either bisexual or homosexual. By shifting his/her attentions to
men, the male autogynephilic transsexual "proves" to himself that he
has finally become a "true" and desirable woman.

To your other observations:

Fromm "diagnosed" both Hitler and Stalin as narcissists. As Saul
Friedlander noted, both Fascism and Nazism were aesthetic movements
(one of them founded by an "artist").

But this was old hat! Hitler and Nazism are often wrongly portrayed
as an apocalyptic and seismic break with European history. Yet the
truth is that they were the culmination and reification of European
history in the 19th century. Europe's annals of colonialism have
prepared it for the range of phenomena associated with the Nazi
regime - from industrial murder to racial theories, from slave
labour to the forcible annexation of territory.

Germany was a colonial power no different to murderous Belgium or
Britain. What set it apart is that it directed its colonial
attentions at the heartland of Europe - rather than at Africa or
Asia. Both World Wars were colonial wars fought on European soil.
Moreover, Nazi Germany innovated by applying prevailing racial
theories (usually reserved to non-whites) to the white race itself.
It started with the Jews - a non-controversial proposition - but
then expanded them to include "east European" whites, such as the
Poles and the Russians.

Germany was not alone in its malignant nationalism. The far right in
France was as pernicious. Nazism - and Fascism - were world
ideologies, adopted enthusiastically in places as diverse as Iraq,
Egypt, Norway, Latin America, and Britain. At the end of the 1930's,
liberal capitalism, communism, and fascism (and its mutations) were
locked in mortal battle of ideologies. Hitler's mistake was to
delusionally believe in the affinity between capitalism and Nazism -
an affinity enhanced, to his mind, by Germany's corporatism and by
the existence of a common enemy: global communism.

Colonialism always had discernible religious overtones and often
collaborated with missionary religion. "The White Man's burden" of
civilizing the "savages" was widely perceived as ordained by God.
The church was the extension of the colonial power's army and
trading companies.

It is no wonder that Hitler's lebensraum colonial movement - Nazism -
  possessed all the hallmarks of an institutional religion:
priesthood, rites, rituals, temples, worship, catechism, mythology.
Hitler was this religion's ascetic saint. He monastically denied
himself earthly pleasures (or so he claimed) in order to be able to
dedicate himself fully to his calling. Hitler was a monstrously
inverted Jesus, sacrificing his life and denying himself so that
(Aryan) humanity should benefit. By surpassing and suppressing his
humanity, Hitler became a distorted version of
Nietzsche's "superman".

But being a-human or super-human also means being a-sexual and a-
moral. In this restricted sense, Hitler was a post-modernist and a
moral relativist. He projected to the masses an androgynous figure
and enhanced it by fostering the adoration of nudity and all
things "natural". But what Nazism referred to as "nature" was not
natural at all.

It was an aesthetic of decadence and evil (though it was not
perceived this way by the Nazis), carefully orchestrated, and
artificial. Nazism was about reproduced copies, not about originals.
It was about the manipulation of symbols - not about veritable
atavism.

In short: Nazism was about theatre, not about life. To enjoy the
spectacle (and be subsumed by it), Nazism demanded the suspension of
judgment, depersonalization, and de-realization. Catharsis was
tantamount, in Nazi dramaturgy, to self-annulment. Nazism was
nihilistic not only operationally, or ideologically. Its very
language and narratives were nihilistic. Nazism was conspicuous
nihilism - and Hitler served as a role model, annihilating Hitler
the Man, only to re-appear as Hitler the stychia.

What was the role of the Jews in all this?

Nazism posed as a rebellion against the "old ways" - against the
hegemonic culture, the upper classes, the established religions, the
superpowers, the European order. The Nazis borrowed the Leninist
vocabulary and assimilated it effectively. Hitler and the Nazis were
an adolescent movement, a reaction to narcissistic injuries
inflicted upon a narcissistic (and rather psychopathic) toddler
nation-state. Hitler himself was a malignant narcissist, as Fromm
correctly noted.

The Jews constituted a perfect, easily identifiable, embodiment of
all that was "wrong" with Europe. They were an old nation, they were
eerily disembodied (without a territory), they were cosmopolitan,
they were part of the establishment, they were "decadent", they were
hated on religious and socio-economic grounds (see
Goldhagen's "Hitler's Willing Executioners"), they were different,
they were narcissistic (felt and acted as morally superior), they
were everywhere, they were defenseless, they were credulous, they
were adaptable (and thus could be co-opted to collaborate in their
own destruction). They were the perfect hated father figure and
parricide was in fashion.

This is precisely the source of the fascination with Hitler. He was
an inverted human. His unconscious was his conscious. He acted out
our most repressed drives, fantasies, and wishes. He provides us
with a glimpse of the horrors that lie beneath the veneer, the
barbarians at our personal gates, and what it was like before we
invented civilization. Hitler forced us all through a time warp and
many did not emerge. He was not the devil. He was one of us. He was
what Arendt aptly called the banality of evil. Just an ordinary,
mentally disturbed, failure, a member of a mentally disturbed and
failing nation, who lived through disturbed and failing times. He
was the perfect mirror, a channel, a voice, and the very depth of
our souls.

Nazism - and, by extension, fascism (though the two are by no means
identical) - amounted to permanent revolutionary civil wars. Fascist
movements were founded, inter alia, on negations and on the
militarization of politics. Their raison d'etre and vigor were
derived from their rabid opposition to liberalism, communism,
conservatism, rationalism, and individualism and from exclusionary
racism. It was a symbiotic relationship - self-definition and
continued survival by opposition.

Yet, all fascist movements suffered from fatal - though largely
preconcerted - ideological tensions. In their drive to become broad,
pluralistic, churches (a hallmark of totalitarian movements) - these
secular religions often offered contradictory doctrinal fare.

I. Renewal vs. Destruction

The first axis of tension was between renewal and destruction.
Fascist parties invariably presented themselves as concerned with
the pursuit and realization of a utopian program based on the
emergence of a "new man" (in Germany it was a mutation of
Nietzsche's Superman). "New", "young", "vital", and "ideal" were
pivotal keywords. Destruction was both inevitable (i.e., the removal
of the old and corrupt) and desirable (i.e., cathartic, purifying,
unifying, and ennobling).

Yet fascism was also nihilistic. It was bipolar: either utopia or
death. Hitler instructed Speer to demolish Germany when his dream of
a thousand-years Reich crumbled. This mental splitting mechanism
(all bad or all good, black or white) is typical of all utopian
movements. Similarly, Stalin (not a fascist) embarked on orgies of
death and devastation every time he faced an obstacle.

This ever-present tension between construction, renewal, vitalism,
and the adoration of nature - and destruction, annihilation, murder,
and chaos - was detrimental to the longevity and cohesion of fascist
fronts.

II. Individualism vs. Collectivism

A second, more all-pervasive, tension was between self-assertion and
what Griffin and Payne call "self transcendence". Fascism was a cult
of the Promethean will, of the super-man, above morality, and the
shackles of the pernicious materialism, egalitarianism, and
rationalism. It was demanded of the New Man to be willful,
assertive, determined, self-motivating, a law unto himself. The New
Man, in other words, was supposed to be contemptuously a-social
(though not anti-social).

But here, precisely, arose the contradiction. It was society which
demanded from the New Man certain traits and the selfless
fulfillment of certain obligations and observance of certain duties.
The New Man was supposed to transcend egotism and sacrifice himself
for the greater, collective, good. In Germany, it was Hitler who
embodied this intolerable inconsistency. On the one hand, he was
considered to be the reification of the will of the nation and its
destiny. On the other hand, he was described as self-denying, self-
less, inhumanly altruistic, and a temporal saint martyred on the
altar of the German nation.

This doctrinal tension manifested itself also in the economic
ideology of fascist movements.

Fascism was often corporatist or syndicalist (and always
collectivist). At times, it sounded suspiciously like Leninism-
Stalinism. Payne has this to say:

"What fascist movements had in common was the aim of a new
functional relationship for the functional and economic systems,
eliminating the autonomy (or, in some proposals, the existence) of
large-scale capitalism and modern industry, altering the nature of
social status, and creating a new communal or reciprocal productive
relationship through new priorities, ideals, and extensive
governmental control and regulation. The goal of accelerated
economic modernization was often espoused ..."

(Stanley G. Payne - A History of Fascism 1914-1945 - University of
Wisconsin Press, 1995 - p. 10)

Still, private property was carefully preserved and property rights
meticulously enforced. Ownership of assets was considered to be a
mode of individualistic expression (and, thus, "self-assertion") not
to be tampered with.

This second type of tension transformed many of the fascist
organizations into chaotic, mismanaged, corrupt, and a-moral groups,
lacking in direction and in self-discipline. They swung ferociously
between the pole of malignant individualism and that of lethal
collectivism.

III. Utopianism vs. Struggle

Fascism was constantly in the making, eternally half-baked, subject
to violent permutations, mutations, and transformations. Fascist
movements were "processual" and, thus, in permanent revolution
(rather, since fascism was based on the negation of other social
forces, in permanent civil war). It was a  utopian movement in
search of a utopia. Many of the elements of a utopia were there -
but hopelessly mangled and mingled and without any coherent
blueprint.

In the absence of a rational vision and an orderly plan of action -
fascist movements resorted to irrationality, the supernatural, the
magical, and to their brand of a secular religion. They emphasized
the way -rather than the destination, the struggle - rather than the
attainment, the battle - rather than the victory, the effort -
rather than the outcome, or, in short - the Promethean and the
Thanatean rather than the Vestal, the kitschy rather than the truly
aesthetic.

IV. Organic vs. Decadent

Fascism emphasized rigid social structures - supposedly the
ineluctable reflections of biological strictures. As opposed to
politics and culture - where fascism was revolutionary and utopian -
socially, fascism was reactionary, regressive, and defensive. It was
pro-family. One's obligations, functions, and rights were the
results of one's "place in society". But fascism was also male
chauvinistic, adolescent, latently homosexual ("the cult of
virility", the worship of the military), somewhat pornographic (the
adoration of the naked body, of "nature", and of the young), and
misogynistic. In its horror of its own repressed
androgynous "perversions" (i.e., the very decadence it claimed to be
eradicating), it employed numerous defense mechanisms (e.g.,
reaction formation and projective identification). It was gender
dysphoric and personality disordered.

V. Elitism vs. Populism

All fascist movements were founded on the equivalent of the Nazi
Fuhrerprinzip. The leader - infallible, indestructible, invincible,
omnipotent, omniscient, sacrificial - was a creative genius who
embodied as well as interpreted the nation's quiddity and fate. His
privileged and unerring access to the soul of the fascist movement,
to history's grand designs, and to the moral and aesthetic
principles underlying it all - made him indispensable and worthy of
blind and automatic obedience.

This strongly conflicted with the unmitigated, all-inclusive, all-
pervasive, and missionary populism of fascism. Fascism was not
egalitarian (see section above). It believed in a fuzzily role-based
and class-based system. It was misogynistic, against the old, often
against the "other" (ethnic or racial minorities). But, with these
exceptions, it embraced one and all and was rather meritocratic.
Admittedly, mobility within the fascist parties was either the
result of actual achievements and merit or the outcome of nepotism
and cronyism - still, fascism was far more egalitarian than most
other political movements.

This populist strand did not sit well with the overweening existence
of a Duce or a Fuhrer. Tensions erupted now and then  but, overall,
the Fuhrerprinzip held well.

Fascism's undoing cannot be attributed to either of these inherent
contradictions, though they made it brittle and clunky. To
understand the downfall of this meteoric latecomer - we must look
elsewhere, to the 17th and 18th century.

Looking forward to our next dialog!

=======================================================
AUTHOR BIO:

Sam Vaknin ( http://samvak.tripod.com ) is the author of Malignant
Self Love - Narcissism Revisited and After the Rain - How the West
Lost the East. He served as a columnist for Global Politician,
Central Europe Review, PopMatters, Bellaonline, and eBookWeb, a
United Press International (UPI) Senior Business Correspondent, and
the editor of mental health and Central East Europe categories in
The Open Directory and Suite101.

Until recently, he served as the Economic Advisor to the Government
of Macedonia.

Visit Sam's Web site at http://samvak.tripod.com

============================================================


SIXTH EDITION From Barnes and Noble ($15 DISCOUNT)

http://barnesandnoble.bfast.com/booklink/click?ISBN=8023833847

Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited is now available from
Amazon Canada:

http://www.amazon.ca/exec/obidos/tg/detail/offer-listing/-
/8023833847/new/

And from Amazon.com:

http://s1.amazon.com/exec/varzea/ts/exchange-
glance/Y03Y0926269Y5731601
=============================================================

Links of Interest

About the DSM IV

http://members.tripod.com/~psych_girl/dsm.html

Consumer's Guide to Online Mental Health Care

http://www.m-a-h.net/hip/index.html

Case Management Resource Guide - Online

http://www.cmrg.com/

How I Became a Narcissist

http://samvak.tripod.com/narcissist/
==============================================================

Refer journalists and editors to my media kit:

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/mediakit.html

BUY the NEW EDITION of my book - "Malignant Self Love - Narcissism
Revisited" ($12 DISCOUNT)

http://barnesandnoble.bfast.com/booklink/click?ISBN=8023833847

Other books about abusive relationships and how to cope with abusers

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/thebook.html

==============================

Abused? Stalked? Harassed? Victimized? Afraid? Confused? Need HELP?

Click on these links to purchase the PRINT BOOK and SIX E-BOOKS:

I. NEW EDITION! "Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited"
(January 2005)

PRINT EDITION

SIXTH EDITION From Barnes and Noble ($15 DISCOUNT)

http://barnesandnoble.bfast.com/booklink/click?ISBN=8023833847

From the Publisher (FIFTH edition + Exclusive BONUS PACK)

http://www.ccnow.com/cgi-local/cart.cgi?vaksam_MSL

New Editions of ALL ELECTRONIC BOOKS!!!

I. "Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited" (January 2005)

http://www.ccnow.com/cgi-local/cart.cgi?vaksam_MSL-EBOOK

II. NEW!!! "Toxic Relationships - Abuse and its Aftermath" (August
2005)

http://www.ccnow.com/cgi-local/cart.cgi?vaksam_ABUSE

III. "Pathological Narcissism FAQs" (January 2005)

http://www.ccnow.com/cgi-local/cart.cgi?vaksam_FAQS

IV. "The World of the Narcissist" (January 2005)

http://www.ccnow.com/cgi-local/cart.cgi?vaksam_ESSAY

V. "Excerpts from the Archives of the Narcissism List" (May 2004)

http://www.ccnow.com/cgi-local/cart.cgi?vaksam_EXCERPTS

VI. "Diary of a Narcissist" (August 2005)

http://www.ccnow.com/cgi-local/cart.cgi?vaksam_JOURNAL

VII. "The Narcissism Series" - (August 2005)

Six e-books regarding Pathological Narcissism, relationships with
abusive narcissists, and the Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).

http://www.ccnow.com/cgi-local/cart.cgi?vaksam_SERIES

Malignant Self Love, Toxic Relationships - and MORE!!!

http://www.suite101.com/bulletin.cfm/6514/10182

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/thebook.html

Free excerpts from the book are available here:

http://www.suite101.com/files/topics/6514/files/MSL2excerpts.rtf

The Narcissism Book of Quotes is available for free download here:

http://www.suite101.com/files/topics/6514/files/NPDQuotes.rtf

Have a safe and warm week!

Sam

#3947 From: "Sam Vaknin" <vaksam@...>
Date: Thu Aug 25, 2005 2:01 pm
Subject: Calling For New Case Studies!
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Calling For New Case Studies!
Dr. Vaknin Is Available To Do Some New Case Studies!
 
Here's What We Need For You To Do To Qualify:
 
Take Into Consideration These Questions:
1. Are you still with your N/P?
2. Has your N/P been formally diagnosed?
3. Dr. Vaknin uses these case studies in his research and writings. He never uses real names and you are ensured full anonymity. Are you Ok with having your story used on websites and message boards?
 
Then, you should write up your history. Dr. Vaknin needs your story of what happened to you to help him understand your situation. You can submit a brief history or as detailed as you need to. Make valid points of Narcissistic or Psychopathic behavior, what happened in your relationship and if you are still with the N/P or not.
 
After doing this, you will also need to submit five questions that you would like to ask Dr. Vaknin in regards to your N/P relationship. They can be questions to understand your situation, questions in regards to behavior, or how to end your relationship or how to heal from your relationship. But the five questions must be submitted with your history in order for your case to be considered. Only the ones with full case history and five questions will be submitted to Dr. Vaknin for approval.
 
You submit your history and questions to me, TJ at monstergoober@...
 
Once your story and questions have been submitted and Dr. Vaknin approves it, your study will be chosen in the order that it was submitted. We usually run about three weeks to a month in order.
 
So, submit your history and questions to me, TJ, at monstergoober@...
 
It might be up to a week before you hear back from me, as I must submit your story to Dr. Vaknin for approval before I write you back.
 
Thank you for your interest in the study, and our managers and Dr. Vaknin hope that we can serve you in your healing from your abusive relationship with N/P's!
 
If you have any questions you are also welcomed to email me about the studies! Remember: monstergoober@...
 
Take care, be safe, and take care of you!
Dr. Sam Vaknin and The Managers
At The NPD Forum
2005
 
 

#3946 From: "Sam Vaknin" <vaksam@...>
Date: Thu Aug 25, 2005 1:07 pm
Subject: Global Politician articles on Narcissism, Narcissists, and the Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)
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Collective Narcissism - Narcissism, Culture, and Society
Sam Vaknin, Ph.D. - 3/18/2005
In their book "Personality Disorders in Modern Life", Theodore Millon and Roger Davis state, as a matter of fact, that pathological narcissism was the preserve of "the royal and the wealthy" and that it "seems to have gained prominence only in the late twentieth century". Narcissism, according to th...

The Sergeant and the Girl - Anatomy of a Double Standard
Sam Vaknin, Ph.D. - 3/18/2005
"You can't blame the whole army. But why did they allow such a soldier to come here?"
"We believe he also has a mother an father and we cannot speak good or ill of him."
Hamdi Shabiu, father of Merita, the sexually molested, forcibly sodomized and murdered child.

"Sex offenders typically ha...

The Crescent and the Cross - Introduction To Each Other
Sam Vaknin, Ph.D. - 3/25/2005
"There are two maxims for historians which so harmonise with what I know of history that I would like to claim them as my own, though they really belong to nineteenth-century historiography: first, that governments try to press upon the historian the key to all the drawers but one, and are anxious t...

The Roots of Anti-Americanism
Sam Vaknin, Ph.D. - 4/6/2005
The United States is one of the last remaining land empires. That it is made the butt of opprobrium and odium is hardly surprising, or unprecedented. Empires - Rome, the British, the Ottomans - were always targeted by the disgruntled, the disenfranchised and the dispossessed and by their self-appoin...

Corporate Fraud: Narcissism in the Boardroom
Sam Vaknin, Ph.D. - 4/5/2005
The perpetrators of the recent spate of financial frauds in the USA acted with callous disregard for both their employees and shareholders - not to mention other stakeholders. Psychologists have often remote-diagnosed them as "malignant, pathological narcissists". Narcissists are driven by the need ...

Hitler - The Inverted Saint
Sam Vaknin, Ph.D. - 4/5/2005
"My feeling as a Christian points me to my Lord and Savior as a fighter. It points me to the man who once in loneliness, surrounded only by a few followers, recognized these Jews for what they were and summoned men to fight against them and who, God's truth! was greatest not as a sufferer but as a f...

Narcissistic Leaders
Sam Vaknin, Ph.D. - 4/7/2005
The narcissistic leader is the culmination and reification of his period, culture, and civilization. He is likely to rise to prominence in narcissistic societies.

The malignant narcissist invents and then projects a false, fictitious, self for the world to fear, or to admire. He maintains a t...

Demise of the Work Ethic
Sam Vaknin, Ph.D. - 4/14/2005
Airplanes, missiles, and space shuttles crash due to lack of maintenance, absent-mindedness, and pure ignorance. Software support personnel, aided and abetted by Customer Relationship Management application suites, are curt (when reachable) and unhelpful. Despite expensive, state of the art supply c...

Balkan Intellectuals - The Poets and the Eclipse
Sam Vaknin, Ph.D. - 4/18/2005
Poets in Somalia hold an inordinate sway over the indigenous population. They sing the praises of war with the same alacrity and vehemence that they invest in glorifying peace. And the population listens and follows these dark skinned pied pipers. Lately, they have been extolling peace and peace pre...

The Psychology of Torture
Sam Vaknin, Ph.D. - 5/6/2005
There is one place in which one's privacy, intimacy, integrity and inviolability are guaranteed - one's body, a unique temple and a familiar territory of sensa and personal history. The torturer invades, defiles and desecrates this shrine. He does so publicly, deliberately, repeatedly and, often, sa...

Why do We Love to Hate Celebrities - Interview With Dr. Sam Vaknin, Ph.D
GP Interviews - 5/6/2005
Q. Fame and TV shows about celebrities usually have a huge audience. This is understandable: people like to see other successful people. But why people like to see celebrities being humiliated?

A. As far as their fans are concerned, celebrities fulfil two emotional functions: they provide a m...

The Abu Ghraib Syndrome - Why Good People Ignore Abuse
Sam Vaknin, Ph.D. - 5/9/2005
Why do good people - church-goers, pillars of the community, the salt of the earth - ignore abuse and neglect, even when it is on their doorstep and in their proverbial backyard (for instance, in hospitals, orphanages, shelters, prisons, and the like)?

I. Lack of Clear Definition

Perha...

Sex or Gender
Sam Vaknin, Ph.D. - 5/10/2005
"One is not born, but rather becomes, a woman."
Simone de Beauvoir, The Second Sex (1949)

In nature, male and female are distinct. She-elephants are gregarious, he-elephants solitary. Male zebra finches are loquacious - the females mute. Female green spoon worms are 200,000 times larger than th...

Classification of Cultures
Sam Vaknin, Ph.D. - 5/18/2005
Culture is a hot topic. Scholars (Fukoyama, Huntington, to mention but two) disagree about whether this is the end of history or the beginning of a particularly nasty chapter of it. What makes cultures tick and why some of them tick discernibly better than others - is the main bone of contention.

A Dialog About Anti-Semitism
Sam Vaknin, Ph.D. - 5/23/2005
Rabid anti-Semitism, coupled with inane and outlandish conspiracy theories of world dominion, is easy to counter and dispel. It is the more "reasoned", subtle, and stealthy variety that it pernicious. "No smoke without fire," - say people - "there must be something to it!". In this dialog I try to d...

Impeachment of President Clinton Revisited
Sam Vaknin, Ph.D. - 5/24/2005
In the hallways of the Smithsonian, two moralists are debating the impeachment of the President of the United States of America, Mr. William Jefferson Clinton. One is clearly Anti-Clinton (AC) the other, a Democrat (DC), is not so much for him as he is for the rational and pragmatic application of m...

The Narcissist, God, and Social Institutions
Sam Vaknin, Ph.D. - 5/27/2005
"1 But know this, that in the last days perilous times will come: 2 For men will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy, 3 unloving, unforgiving, slanderers, without self-control, brutal, despisers of good, 4 traitors, heads...

Ethical Relativism and Absolute Taboos
Sam Vaknin, Ph.D. - 6/3/2005
Taboos: Taboos regulate our sexual conduct, race relations, political institutions, and economic mechanisms - virtually every realm of our life. According to the 2002 edition of the "Encyclopedia Britannica", taboos are "the prohibition of an action or the use of an object based on ritualisti...

The Debate about Cloning
Sam Vaknin, Ph.D. - 6/5/2005
In a paper, published in "Science" in May 2005, 25 scientists, led by Woo Suk Hwang of Seoul National University, confirmed that they were able to clone dozens of blastocysts (the clusters of tiny cells that develop into embryos). Blastocysts contain stem cells that can be used to generate replaceme...

The Roots of Pedophilia
Sam Vaknin, Ph.D. - 6/14/2005
Michael Jackson was just found innocent on all ten charges of child molestation by a jury. But what was he actually charged with? What is pedophilia?
Pedophiles are attracted to prepubescent children and act on their sexual fantasies. It is a startling fact that the etiology of this paraphilia is...

The Russian Devolution -Center and Regions in Putin's Russia
Sam Vaknin, Ph.D. - 6/23/2005
A centerpiece of President's Putin overhaul of Russia is the reversion to the Kremlin of the power to appoint governors, hitherto voted into office. The popularly elected sort - admittedly a motley and venal crew - seem to have provoked his ire as far too independent and, therefore, impudent.

Narcissists in Positions of Authority
Sam Vaknin, Ph.D. - 6/26/2005
"He knows not how to rule a kingdom, that cannot manage a province; nor can he wield a province, that cannot order a city; nor he order a city, that knows not how to regulate a village; nor he a village, that cannot guide a family; nor can that man govern well a family that knows not how to govern h...

Hitler and the Invention of the West
Sam Vaknin, Ph.D. - 7/9/2005
In his book - really an extended essay - "Of Paradise and Power: America and Europe in the New World Order" - Robert Kagan claims that the political construct of the "West" was conjured up by the United States and Western Europe during the Cold War as a response to the threat posed by the nuclear-ar...

On the Incest Taboo
Sam Vaknin, Ph.D. - 7/17/2005
"...An experience with an adult may seem merely a curious and pointless game, or it may be a hideous trauma leaving lifelong psychic scars. In many cases the reaction of parents and society determines the child's interpretation of the event. What would have been a trivial and soon-forgotten act beco...

Parenting - The Irrational Vocation
Sam Vaknin, Ph.D. - 7/19/2005
The advent of cloning, surrogate motherhood, and the donation of gametes and sperm have shaken the traditional biological definition of parenthood to its foundations. The social roles of parents have similarly been recast by the decline of the nuclear family and the surge of alternative household fo...

Personality of Politicians and Acquired Situational Narcissism
Sam Vaknin, Ph.D. - 7/20/2005
The Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is a systemic, all-pervasive condition, very much like pregnancy: either you have it or you don't. Once you have it, you have it day and night, it is an inseparable part of the personality, a recurrent set of behavior patterns.

Recent research (1996...

Millenarian Thoughts About Kosovo
Sam Vaknin, Ph.D. - 7/20/2005
"English persons, therefore, of humanitarian and reformist disposition constantly went out to the Balkan Peninsula to see who was in fact ill-treating whom, and, being by the very nature of their perfectionist faith unable to accept the horrid hypothesis that everybody was ill-treating everybody els...

The MinMaj Rule
Sam Vaknin, Ph.D. - 7/21/2005
I have a Roma (gypsy) cleaning lady. She cleans my house every fortnight. She is nice and well spoken. She values education and good manners. She is spotless, obsessively purgatory, compulsively tidy. And she hates "shiptars" (the derogatory name assigned to Macedonian Albanians). They are dirty, sh...

The Pettifogger Procurators
Sam Vaknin, Ph.D. - 7/24/2005
Four years ago, the most unusual event has gone unnoticed in the international press. A former minister of finance has accused the more prominent members of the diplomatic corps in his country of corruption. He insisted that these paragons of indignant righteousness and hectoring morality have tried...

East Europe's Expat Experts
Sam Vaknin, Ph.D. - 7/27/2005
In "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland", Lewis Carroll wrote:
"Curtsy while you're thinking of something to say. It saves time."

What a missed career. He should have been an expat expert. To paraphrase a sentence originally written about women (no misogynism implied): "What else is a foreign cons...

East European Media
Sam Vaknin, Ph.D. - 7/27/2005
"I have gone into the outer darkness of scientific and philosophical transactions and proceedings, ultra-respectable, but covered with the dust of disregard. I have descended into journalism. I have come back with the quasi-souls of lost data."
Charles Hoy Fort in "The Book of the Damned"

"Le...

Rasputin in Transition: Governments In New Democracies
Sam Vaknin, Ph.D. - 7/31/2005
The mad glint in his eyes is likely to be nothing more ominous than maladjusted contact lenses. If not clean shaven, he is likely to sport nothing wilder than a goatee. More likely an atheist than a priest, this mutation of the ageless confidence artist is nonetheless the direct spiritual descendent...

Old Reference Works Revived
Sam Vaknin, Ph.D. - 8/7/2005
There is no source of reference remotely as authoritative as the Encyclopaedia Britannica. There is no brand as venerable and as veteran as this mammoth labour of knowledge and ideas established in 1768. It numbered the likes of Einstein and Freud among its authors. Dozens of classic articles writte...

Add Me to the List, Mr. Blair
Sam Vaknin, Ph.D. - 8/7/2005
The terrorists are winning. Gradually but perceptibly, the USA and the United Kingdom (UK) are shedding their liberal democratic veneer, axing their traditions, reinterpreting their constitution (USA) and case law (UK) and, thus, becoming police states.

Both the US Patriot Act, recently exten...

Narcissists, Group Behavior, and Terrorism - Part I
Sam Vaknin, Ph.D. - 8/8/2005
More about pathological narcissism and the Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) in the Appendix. Having lived in 12 countries in 3 continents now, I firmly believe in "mass psychopathology", or in ethnopsychology. The members of a group - if sufficiently cohesive - tend to react similarly to circ...

Narcissists, Group Behavior, and Terrorism - Part II
Sam Vaknin, Ph.D. - 8/8/2005
Osama bin-Laden is often labeled a narcissist (as was Hitler and are Saddam Hussein and Milosevic). Are all politicians narcissists? The answer, surprisingly, is: not universally. The preponderance of narcissistic traits and personalities in politics is much less than in show business, for instance....

Narcissists, Group Behavior, and Terrorism - Part III
Sam Vaknin, Ph.D. - 8/9/2005
It is no wonder that bin-Laden and the United States are engaged in mortal combat. Adversarial narcissists often are. That the United States in a narcissistic society was suggested long ago (1979) by Christopher Lasch.

I wrote this review of Roger Kimball's "Christopher Lasch vs. the elites"...

Narcissists, Group Behavior, and Terrorism - Part IV
Sam Vaknin, Ph.D. - 8/9/2005
Terrorists can be phenomenologically described as narcissists in a constant state of deficient narcissistic supply. The "grandiosity gap" - the painful and narcissistically injurious gap between their grandiose fantasies and their dreary and humiliating reality - becomes emotionally insupportable. T...

Eastern Europe: Switching Empires
Sam Vaknin, Ph.D. - 8/11/2005
European Union (EU) leaders, meeting in Copenhagen in December 2002, signed an agreement to admit ten new members to their hitherto exclusive club. On May 1, 2004, they were officially admitted to the EU. Eight of the fortunate acceders are former communist countries: Czech Republic, Estonia, Hungar...

 
    
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   Former USSR : Russia|Chechnya & the Caucasus| Ukraine, Belorussia & Moldova |Central Asia
   East Asia: China, Hong Kong & Taiwan| North & South Korea|Other
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   Latin America: Cuba|Other
   Africa
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   International Organizations
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   Political Ideologies
                                                                                          
© 2004 Global Politician
2004 Global Politician

#3945 From: "Sam Vaknin" <vaksam@...>
Date: Wed Aug 24, 2005 2:19 pm
Subject: HealthyPlace.com Newsletter
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HealthyPlace Narcissistic Personality Disorder Community

http://www.healthyplace.com/communities/personality_disorders/narcissism/index.h\
tml

Narcissistic PD and abuse by narcissists - FAQs, essays, links, and book
excerpts.

Transcript of the CHAT regarding abusive narcissists HERE:

http://healthyplace.com/communities/personality_disorders/site/Transcripts/abusi\
ve_narcissists.htm

Transcript of the CHAT about the Narcissistic Personality Disorder HERE:

http://www.healthyplace.com/Communities/Personality_Disorders/Site/Transcripts/n\
arcissism.htm

Transcript of the CHAT about narcissists in the workplace HERE:

http://healthyplace.com/Communities/personality_disorders/site/Transcripts/narci\
ssism_workplace.htm

Radio Show regarding Relationships with Abusive Narcissists

http://www.healthyplace.com/Radio/archives/audio_narcissism_02-10-12.htm



FROM HEALTHYPLACE.COM MENTAL HEALTH COMMUNITIES ...

Newsletter for the week of August 22, 2005
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#3944 From: "Sam Vaknin" <vaksam@...>
Date: Wed Aug 24, 2005 1:30 pm
Subject: Redemption - Jump in and express your view!
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General : Analyze This - Short Fiction on Narcissism REDEMPTION by Dr. Sam Vaknin
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From: MSN Nicknamefemfree  (Original Message) Sent: 8/19/2005 10:46 PM
Hi Members - Here is the next in the Analyze This series of short fiction works by Dr. Sam Vaknin. Please join in with a lively discussion about this topic and your views.

Hi, My name is Sam Vaknin and I am a narcissist. I wrote 15 stories (short fiction) about narcissists.

The owners and moderators of this great support group will post one of my stories each week and ask you, the members, to comment on it.

The best way to go about it is to read the text of the story and then click on the links to additional relevant resources.

Having done that, scroll down to the reading guide. It contains questions to ponder, issues that the story raises, and commentary.

Feel free to react, argue, agree, and disagree.

At the end of the week, I will respond to your comments and wrap up the thread.
 

 
Redemption
 
By Sam Vaknin
 

My grandfather sat on a divan, back stiff and eyes tight-shut, when the news arrived. At the age of seventy, his body still preserved the womanizer's tensile, proud, virility. He dyed his hair jet black. Original Moroccan music, wistful and lusty, the desert's guttural refrain, poured forth from a patinated gramophone. The yearning tarred his cheeks with bloodied brush, a capillary network that poured into his sockets.

Now, facing him distraught, my father was reciting gingerly the information about his little sister, confessing abject failure as the clan's firstborn. His elder sister died in youth but even had she lived she wouldn't have qualified to supervise the brood due to her gender. It was my father's role to oversee his younger siblings, especially the females, the thus preserve the honor of his kinfolk.

Being a melancholy and guarded man, he blamed them for conspiring against him. He envied them instead of loving. He kept strict ledgers of help received and given. He felt deprived, begrudging their successes. They drifted apart and my father turned into unwelcome recluse, visited only by my tyrannical grandfather. On such occasions, my father was again a battered, chided, frightened child.

That day, with manifest obsequiousness, he served the patriarch with tea and home-made pastry arranged on brightly illustrated tin trays. My grandpa muttered balefully, as was his wont, and sank his dentures into the steamy dough, not bothering to thank him.

As dusk gave way to night, my father fetched the grouser's embroidered slippers and gently placed his venous, chalky feet on a dilapidated stool. He wrapped them in a blanket. Thus shoed and well-ensconced, the old man fell asleep.

These loving gestures - my father's whole repertoire - were taken by my grandpa as his due, a pillar of the hierarchy that let him beat his toddler son and send him, in eerie pre-dawn hours, to shoulder bursting wineskins. This is the order of the world: one generation serves another and elder brothers rule their womenfolk.

"Whore" - my grandpa sneered. His voice subdued, only his face conveyed his crimson wrath. My father nodded his assent and sat opposed, sighing in weariness and resignation.

"Whose is it, do we know?" - my grandpa probed at last. My father snuffed the ornamental music and shrugged uncertainly. My grandpa rubbed his reddened eyelids and then slumped.

"We need to find him and arrange a wedding" - he ruled. My father winced, propelled by the incisive diction into the grimy alleys of his childhood, the wine tide and ebbing in the pelt containers, the origin of his recurrent nightmares, nocturnal shrieks, sweaty relief when nestled in my mother's arms, his brow soaked, his heart in wild percussion.

"Today it's different, Abuya" - my father mumbled, using the Moroccan epithet. My grandpa whipped him with a withering glower.

"I will depart tomorrow" - my father whispered - "But I don't wish to talk to her."

"Don't do it" - consented grandpa, his eyes still shut, waving a steady hand in the general direction of the decimated music - "Just salvage our dignity and hers."

The next day, father packed his crumbling cardboard suitcase, the one he used when he fled Morocco, a disillusioned adolescent. He neatly folded in some underwear and faded-blue construction worker's sleeveless garments. On top he placed a rusting razor and other necessaries.

I watched him from the porch, he waning, a child size figure, going to the Negev, the heartless desert, to restore through a defiled sister the family's blemished honor. He stood there, leaning on the shed, patiently awaiting the tardy transport. The bus digested him with eager exhalation.

He has been away for four days and three nights. The fine dust of distant places has settled in his stubble. He wiped his soles on the entrance rug, removed soiled clothes and gave them to my mother. He slipped into his tunic and his thongs, uttering in barely audible relief, then sank into an armchair.

My mother served up scolding tea in dainty cups. He sipped it absent-minded, dipping a sesame cracker in the minty liquid. Having reposed, he sighed and stretched his limbs. He never said a word about the trip.

A few months passed before his sister called. She phoned during the day, attempting to avoid my father, who was at work. My mother spoke to her, receiver in abraded hand like hot potato.

We were all invited to her forthcoming wedding. She was to marry a Northern, elder man of means. He will adopt the child, she added. Still enamored with her elusive lover, she admitted, it wasn't the hideous affair we made it out to be. These days and nights (too short) of lust and passion in the wasteland have yielded her a daughter, a flesh memento of her paramour.

My mother listened stone-faced. "We cannot come," - she said, her voice aloof - "my husband won't allow it." But we all wish her happiness in newfound matrimony. In the very last second, as she was replacing the handset in its cradle, she whispered, maybe to herself: "Take care of you and of the little one."

She subsided on the stool, next to the phone, and scrutinized the blank wall opposite her. I busily pretended not to notice her tearful countenance.

When my father came back from his excruciating work on the scaffolds, my mother laid the table. They dined silently, as usual. When he finished, she cleared the dishes, placing them in lukewarm water. "Your little sister called" - she told him - "She is inviting us to her wedding up north. She is marrying a wealthy man rather older than herself, so all's well that ends well. At least she won't be destitute."

"None of my concern" - interjected my father gruffly, heavily rising from the chair.

The following day he traveled south, to meet my grandpa. He then proceeded to see his other brothers and his sisters. That over, he returned, called in sick and remained at home for weeks.

When his youngest sibling, my uncle, came to visit, my father embraced him warmly. He loved them all but only this Benjamin reciprocated. My father pampered him and listened attentively to his seafaring tales, echoes of distant places, among the glasses of scented Araq, a powerful absinthe. They munched on sour carrots dipped in oil.

At last, my father raised the subject. Retreating to our chambers, we left them there to thrash the matter out through the night. Their voices drifted, raised and then restrained. My father shrilly argued but his brother countered self-convinced. He packed and left in the early hours of the morning.

My father entered our room, defeated, and tucked us in unnecessarily. He turned off all the lights, a distended, dismal shadow, and surveyed us, his beefy shoulder propped against the doorframe.

My mother instructed us severely:

"If daddy's youngest brother calls, don't answer. Nor he neither his wayward sister are part of our family. Your father excommunicated them forever and cursed their lineage. They have disgraced us. Now they are perfect strangers."

I liked my uncle - boyish and outgoing, hair long, and smooth, and often brushed and dried, his clothes the latest fashion from abroad. He was a seaman. His visits smelled of outlying cities and sinful women thin-clad in bustling ports. He carried stacks of foreign bills stashed in his socks and bought my mother foreign, costly fragrances (she buried them among her lingerie until they all evaporated).

At the bottom of his magic chest lay booklets with titillating tales of sizzling sex and awesome drug lords. I waited for his visits with the impatience of an inmate. He was the idol of my budding willfulness and nascent freedom. I resented our forced estrangement.

And so began my mutiny. Lured by the siren songs of far-flung lands, of sexual liberation, and of equality, I traveled to my grandma's home, an uninvited guest. My uncle, whose name now we could not pronounce, was there. We strolled the windswept promenade of Beer-Sheba, kicking some skeletal branches as we talked. He treated me as an adult.

Then it was time to return. My father, aware of my encounter, regarded it as treason, another broken link in the crumbling chain of his existence. To him, I was a co-conspirator. I shamed him publicly. He felt humiliated in his own abode. He didn't say a thing, but not long after, he signed me over to the army as a minor. My mother tremblingly co-signed and mutely pleaded with my father to recant.

But he would not. Immersed in hurt, he just imploded, blankly staring at the television screen. He took to leaping anxiously with every phone ring, instructing us in panic to respond. He didn't want to talk to anyone, he promised.

When I enlisted, he accompanied me to the draft board. Evading any contact, he occupied a tiny, torturous wooden stool. He didn't budge for hours and didn't say a word and didn't kiss farewell, departing with a mere "goodbye". I watched him from the bus' window as he receded , stooped, into a public park. He collapsed onto a bench and waved away the pigeons that badgered him for breadcrumbs. Finally, he let one near and kicked her with his shoe. They scattered.

I didn't visit, not even on vacations. I found father-substitutes, adopted other families as home. At times, I would remember him, a tiny, lonely figure, on a garden bench, surrounded by the birds.

One day, my service in the army nearly over, my mother called and said: "Your father wants you here."

At once I felt like burdened with premonitory sadness, with the belated anguish of this certain moment. She told me that my uncle died in shipwreck.

"His cousin was with him to the end. He clung on to a plank all night, till dawn. He fought the waves and floated. And then they heard him mutter: what's the point and saw him letting go and sinking under. They say he drowned tranquil and composed."

I alighted from the belching bus before it reached my parents', traversing accustomed pathways, touching childhood trees, pausing in front of the boarded cinema house, a fading poster knocking about its peeling side. A titian cloud of falling leaves engulfed it all. The sea roared at a distance as if from memory.

I knocked, my father opened. We contemplated one another, vaguely familiar. Alarming corpulence and evil hoary streaks. Time etched its brown ravines in sagging flesh, the skin a flayed protection. He spread his arms and hugged me. I cautiously accepted and dryly kissed his stubble.

He ushered me inside and sat me by my brothers. I greeted them in silence. My father helped my mother serve refreshments, peeled almonds and solid confitures. We sulked in mounting discomfort.

Sighing, my father rose and climbed the spiral staircase to his room. He soon returned, clad in his best attire, his synagogue and festive uniform, the suit he wore in my Bar-Mitzvah.

Like birds after the storm the house was filled with curled rabbis. Flaunting their garb, grimly conferring with my father, they eyed the table critically.

"There's more!" - my mother hastened - "There's food, after you finish."

"Are these all your children?" - they demanded and my father, blushing, soon admitted that my sister wants no part in the impending ceremony. They nodded sympathetically. They linked their talliths (prayer shawls) into a huppah (wedding canopy) and ordered us to squat beneath it.

They blessed the house, its inhabitants and future monotonously. My father's face illuminated, his eyes aglow. He handed each rabbi and each cantor a folded envelope from an overflowing pocket in his vest and poured them Araq to warm their hoarsely throats. They gulped the fiery libations, chanting their invocations as they swallowed.

With marked anticipation they assumed the better seats around the table and plunged into my mother's dishes. She waited on them deferentially. Burping aloud, the food devoured, they broke into a vigorous recital of pious hymns.

Night fell and my father entered the guest room and settled by my bed. He drew the covers to my chin and straightened wrinkled corners.

"We blessed the house," - he said - "to fend off a disaster."

I asked him what he was afraid of. He told me that he cursed his brother to die young and now that he did, my father was anxious.

"You loved him very much" - I said and he averted his face.

Waves clashed with undulating ripples to deafening effect.

"There will be a storm tonight" - my dad said finally.

"I guess so" - I agreed - "Good night. I am bushed, I need to rise and shine early, back to the army."

I turned around to face to the naked wall.

ADDITIONAL RESOURCES

The Narcissist and His Family

Narcissists and Women

The Mind of the Abuser

Condoning Abuse

The Anomaly of Abuse

Indifference and Decompensation

Narcissism, Psychosis, and Delusions

The Cult of the Narcissist

QUESTIONS TO PONDER

This part is meant only to provoke thoughts. It is not a substitute to independent thinking, criticism, and analysis.

How many narcissists do you identify in this story?

How did the grandfather's pathology affect his son's and grandson's mental health?

To what extent is the grandfather's mental health problems due to his cultural background?

Are narcissists superstitious? What is the possible connection between these two traits - narcissism and prejudice?

The grandfather is a misogynist (women-hater). Can we say the same about the other male figures in this family?



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#3943 From: "Sam Vaknin" <vaksam@...>
Date: Wed Aug 24, 2005 12:20 pm
Subject: Abusive Narcissists - Newsletter Archives and Dialogs
vaksammt
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Hi, guys,
 
Hope you find these of both interest and help:
 
Abusive Relationships NEWSLETTER ARCHIVES
 
Complete Archive
 
 
Dialogs about Narcissism and Abuse in Relationships (Part XI) - Abusive Relationships Newsletter - Number 61
 
 
Dialogs about Narcissism and Abuse in Relationships (Part X) - Abusive Relationships Newsletter - Number 60
 
 
Dialogs about Narcissism and Abuse in Relationships (Part IX) - Abusive Relationships Newsletter - Number 59
 
 
Dialogs about Narcissism and Abuse in Relationships (Part VIII) - Abusive Relationships Newsletter - Number 58
 
 
Dialogs about Narcissism and Abuse in Relationships (Part VII) - Abusive Relationships Newsletter - Number 57
 
 
Dialogs about Narcissism and Abuse in Relationships (Part VI) - Abusive Relationships Newsletter - Number 56
 
 
Dialogs about Narcissism and Abuse in Relationships (Part V) - Abusive Relationships Newsletter - Number 55
 
 
Dialogs about Narcissism and Abuse in Relationships (Part IV) - Abusive Relationships Newsletter - Number 54
 
 
Dialogs about Narcissism and Abuse in Relationships (Part III) - Abusive Relationships Newsletter - Number 53
Dialogs about Narcissism and Abuse in Relationships (Part II) - Abusive Relationships Newsletter - Number 52
 
 
Dialogs about Narcissism and Abuse in Relationships (Part I) - Abusive Relationships Newsletter - Number 51

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3765

Narcissism in the Media (Part IV) - Abusive Relationships Newsletter - Number 50
 
 
Narcissism in the Media (Part III) - Abusive Relationships Newsletter - Number 49
 
 
Narcissism in the Media (Part II) - Abusive Relationships Newsletter - Number 48
 
 
Narcissism in the Media (Part I) - Abusive Relationships Newsletter - Number 47
 
 
Help in Coping with Abuse and Stalking - Abusive Relationships Newsletter - Number 46
 
 
The Narcissistic Couple - Abusive Relationships Newsletter - Number 45
 
 
Narcissistic Rage and Anger - Abusive Relationships Newsletter - Number 44
 
 
Idealization Devaluation and Narcissistic Space - Abusive Relationships Newsletter - Number 43
 
 
Narcissistic Parents - Abusive Relationships Newsletter - Number 42
 
 
Myths of Narcissism - Abusive Relationships Newsletter - Number 41
 
 
Narcissists Hate Women and Children - Abusive Relationships Newsletter - Number 40
 
 
The Narcissist and the Internet - Abusive Relationships Newsletter - Number 39
 
 
Are Narcissists Evil? - Abusive Relationships Newsletter - Number 38
 
 
Manual of Coping with Stalkers - Abusive Relationships Newsletter - Number 37
 
 
Narcissists and Sexual Deviations - Abusive Relationships Newsletter - Number 36
 

Narcissistic Leaders and Bosses - Abusive Relationships Newsletter - Number 35

 
Female Narcissists - Abusive Relationships Newsletter - Number 34
 
 
Divorcing the Narcissist/Psychopath - Abusive Relationships Newsletter - Number 33
 
 
The Narcissist's Charm and Aggression - Abusive Relationships Newsletter - Number 32
 
 
Homosexual and Transsexual Narcissists - Number 31
 
 
When Victims Become Narcissists - Number 30
 
 
Codependence and Counterdependence - Number 29
 
 
Closure and Letting Go - Number 28
 
 
Introspection and Self-Awareness - Number 27
 
 
The Narcissist's False self - Abusive Relationships Newsletter - Number 26
 
 
Fame, Celebrity, and Narcissism - Abusive Relationships Newsletter - Number 25
 
 
Narcissism, Medication, and Addiction - Abusive Relationships Newsletter - 24
 
 
The Adolescent Narcissist - Abusive Relationships Newsletter - Number 23
 
 
Narcissists and Emotions - Abusive Relationships Newsletter - Number 22
 
 
Stalking and Stalkers - Abusive Relationships Newsletter - Number 21
 
 
Narcissists Have No Friends - Abusive Relationships Newsletter - Number 20
 
 
The Malignant Optimism of the Abused - Abusive Relationships Newsletter - 19
 
 
False Modesty and Feigned Altruism - Abusive Relationships Newsletter - No. 18
 
 
Narcissism Chat Transcript - Abusive Relationships Newsletter - No. 17
 
 
Mental Health Today Chat Transcript - Number 16
 
 
Violent Narcissists - Abusive Relationships Newsletter - Number 15
 
 
How To Make the System Work for You - Abusive Relationships Newsletter - Number 14
 
 
The System Against the Victims - Abusive Relationships Newsletter - Number 13
 
 
Narcissists Sex and Fidelity - Abusive Relationships Newsletter - Number 12
 
 
Narcissists and God - Abusive Relationships Newsletter - Number 11
 
 
Narcissism in the Boardroom - Abusive Relationships Newsletter - Number 10
 
 
Can Narcissism Be Cured? - Abusive Relationships Newsletter - Number 9
 
 
The Victims of the Narcissist - Abusive Relationships Newsletter - Number 8
 
 
Substance Abuse, Reckless Behaviors and the Narcissist - Newsletter Number 7
 
 
The Midlife Crisis and Old Age of the Narcissist - Newsletter Number 6
 
 
Divorce and Custody - Working the System - Abusive Relationships Newsletter - Number 5
 
 
Narcissism, Asperger's and Bipolar Disorder - Abusive Relationships Newsletter 4
 
 
How to Spot an Abuser on Your First Date - Abusive Relationships Newsletter - Number 3
 
 
Custody - Leveraging the Children - Abusive Relationships Newsletter - Number 2
 
 
Abusive Relationships Newsletter - Issue Number 1
 
 
DIALOGS
 
NEW dialogs about pathological narcissism, the malignant narcissist, and his effects on his victims at home, at work, and elsewhere:
 
Terrorism as a Psychodynamic Phenomenon
 
 
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#3942 From: "Sam Vaknin" <vaksam@...>
Date: Wed Aug 24, 2005 12:20 pm
Subject: Traumas as Social Interactions
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Traumas as Social Interactions

20 Aug 2005
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We react to serious mishaps, life altering setbacks, disasters, abuse, and death by going through the phases of grieving. Traumas are the complex outcomes of psychodynamic and biochemical processes. But the particulars of traumas depend heavily on the interaction between the victim and his social milieu.

It would seem that while the victim progresses from denial to helplessness, rage, depression and thence to acceptance of the traumatizing events - society demonstrates a diametrically opposed progression. This incompatibility, this mismatch of psychological phases is what leads to the formation and crystallization of trauma.

PHASE I

Victim phase I - DENIAL

The magnitude of such unfortunate events is often so overwhelming, their nature so alien, and their message so menacing - that denial sets in as a defence mechanism aimed at self preservation. The victim denies that the event occurred, that he or she is being abused, that a loved one passed away.

Society phase I - ACCEPTANCE, MOVING ON

The victim's nearest ("Society") - his colleagues, his employees, his clients, even his spouse, children, and friends - rarely experience the events with the same shattering intensity. They are likely to accept the bad news and move on. Even at their most considerate and empathic, they are likely to lose patience with the victim's state of mind. They tend to ignore the victim, or chastise him, to mock, or to deride his feelings or behaviour, to collude to repress the painful memories, or to trivialize them.

Summary Phase I

The mismatch between the victim's reactive patterns and emotional needs and society's matter-of-fact attitude hinders growth and healing. The victim requires society's help in avoiding a head-on confrontation with a reality he cannot digest. Instead, society serves as a constant and mentally destabilizing reminder of the root of the victim's unbearable agony (the Job syndrome).

PHASE II

Victim phase II - HELPLESSNESS

Denial gradually gives way to a sense of all-pervasive and humiliating helplessness, often accompanied by debilitating fatigue and mental disintegration. These are among the classic symptoms of PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). These are the bitter results of the internalization and integration of the harsh realization that there is nothing one can do to alter the outcomes of a natural, or man-made, catastrophe. The horror in confronting one's finiteness, meaninglessness, negligibility, and powerlessness - is overpowering.

Society phase II - DEPRESSION

The more the members of society come to grips with the magnitude of the loss, or evil, or threat represented by the grief inducing events - the sadder they become. Depression is often little more than suppressed or self-directed anger. The anger, in this case, is belatedly induced by an identified or diffuse source of threat, or of evil, or loss. It is a higher level variant of the "fight or flight" reaction, tampered by the rational understanding that the "source" is often too abstract to tackle directly.

Summary Phase II

Thus, when the victim is most in need, terrified by his helplessness and adrift - society is immersed in depression and unable to provide a holding and supporting environment. Growth and healing is again retarded by social interaction. The victim's innate sense of annulment is enhanced by the self-addressed anger (=depression) of those around him.

PHASE III

Both the victim and society react with RAGE to their predicaments. In an effort to narcissistically reassert himself, the victim develops a grandiose sense of anger directed at paranoidally selected, unreal, diffuse, and abstract targets (=frustration sources). By expressing aggression, the victim re-acquires mastery of the world and of himself.

Members of society use rage to re-direct the root cause of their depression (which is, as we said, self directed anger) and to channel it safely. To ensure that this expressed aggression alleviates their depression - real targets must are selected and real punishments meted out. In this respect, "social rage" differs from the victim's. The former is intended to sublimate aggression and channel it in a socially acceptable manner - the latter to reassert narcissistic self-love as an antidote to an all-devouring sense of helplessness.

In other words, society, by itself being in a state of rage, positively enforces the narcissistic rage reactions of the grieving victim. This, in the long run, is counter-productive, inhibits personal growth, and prevents healing. It also erodes the reality test of the victim and encourages self-delusions, paranoidal ideation, and ideas of reference.

PHASE IV

Victim Phase IV - DEPRESSION

As the consequences of narcissistic rage - both social and personal - grow more unacceptable, depression sets in. The victim internalizes his aggressive impulses. Self directed rage is safer but is the cause of great sadness and even suicidal ideation. The victim's depression is a way of conforming to social norms. It is also instrumental in ridding the victim of the unhealthy residues of narcissistic regression. It is when the victim acknowledges the malignancy of his rage (and its anti-social nature) that he adopts a depressive stance.

Society Phase IV - HELPLESSNESS

People around the victim ("society") also emerge from their phase of rage transformed. As they realize the futility of their rage, they feel more and more helpless and devoid of options. They grasp their limitations and the irrelevance of their good intentions. They accept the inevitability of loss and evil and Kafkaesquely agree to live under an ominous cloud of arbitrary judgement, meted out by impersonal powers.

Summary Phase IV

Again, the members of society are unable to help the victim to emerge from a self-destructive phase. His depression is enhanced by their apparent helplessness. Their introversion and inefficacy induce in the victim a feeling of nightmarish isolation and alienation. Healing and growth are once again retarded or even inhibited.

PHASE V

Victim Phase V - ACCEPTANCE AND MOVING ON

Depression - if pathologically protracted and in conjunction with other mental health problems - sometimes leads to suicide. But more often, it allows the victim to process mentally hurtful and potentially harmful material and paves the way to acceptance. Depression is a laboratory of the psyche. Withdrawal from social pressures enables the direct transformation of anger into other emotions, some of them otherwise socially unacceptable. The honest encounter between the victim and his own (possible) death often becomes a cathartic and self-empowering inner dynamic. The victim emerges ready to move on.

Society Phase V - DENIAL

Society, on the other hand, having exhausted its reactive arsenal - resorts to denial. As memories fade and as the victim recovers and abandons his obsessive-compulsive dwelling on his pain - society feels morally justified to forget and forgive. This mood of historical revisionism, of moral leniency, of effusive forgiveness, of re-interpretation, and of a refusal to remember in detail - leads to a repression and denial of the painful events by society.

Summary Phase V

This final mismatch between the victim's emotional needs and society's reactions is less damaging to the victim. He is now more resilient, stronger, more flexible, and more willing to forgive and forget. Society's denial is really a denial of the victim. But, having ridden himself of more primitive narcissistic defences - the victim can do without society's acceptance, approval, or look. Having endured the purgatory of grieving, he has now re-acquired his self, independent of society's acknowledgement.

(‘He', in this article, means ‘he' and ‘she').

BIBLIOGRAPHY

Guntrip, Harry. Personality Structure and Human Interaction. New York, International Universities Press, 1961

Horovitz M. J. Stress Response Syndromes: PTSD, Grief and Adjustment Disorders. 3rd Ed. New York, NY University Press, 1998

Jacobson, Edith. The Self and the Object World. New York, International Universities Press, 1964

Millon, Theodore. Personality Disorders in Modern Life. New York, John Wiley and Sons, 2000

Vaknin, Sam. Malignant Self-Love - Narcissism Revisited. Skopje and Prague, Narcissus Publications, 1999-2005

AUTHOR BIO:

Sam Vaknin ( samvak.tripod.com ) is the author of Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited and After the Rain - How the West Lost the East. He served as a columnist for Global Politician, Central Europe Review, PopMatters, Bellaonline, and eBookWeb, a United Press International (UPI) Senior Business Correspondent, and the editor of mental health and Central East Europe categories in The Open Directory and Suite101.

Until recently, he served as the Economic Advisor to the Government of Macedonia.

Visit Sam's Web site at http://samvak.tripod.com



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#3941 From: "Sam Vaknin" <vaksam@...>
Date: Wed Aug 24, 2005 12:20 pm
Subject: The Psychology of Torture
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The Psychology of Torture

20 Aug 2005
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There is one place in which one's privacy, intimacy, integrity and inviolability are guaranteed - one's body, a unique temple and a familiar territory of sensa and personal history. The torturer invades, defiles and desecrates this shrine. He does so publicly, deliberately, repeatedly and, often, sadistically and sexually, with undisguised pleasure. Hence the all-pervasive, long-lasting, and, frequently, irreversible effects and outcomes of torture.

In a way, the torture victim's own body is rendered his worse enemy. It is corporeal agony that compels the sufferer to mutate, his identity to fragment, his ideals and principles to crumble. The body becomes an accomplice of the tormentor, an uninterruptible channel of communication, a treasonous, poisoned territory.

It fosters a humiliating dependency of the abused on the perpetrator. Bodily needs denied - sleep, toilet, food, water - are wrongly perceived by the victim as the direct causes of his degradation and dehumanization. As he sees it, he is rendered bestial not by the sadistic bullies around him but by his own flesh.

The concept of "body" can easily be extended to "family", or "home". Torture is often applied to kin and kith, compatriots, or colleagues. This intends to disrupt the continuity of "surroundings, habits, appearance, relations with others", as the CIA put it in one of its manuals. A sense of cohesive self-identity depends crucially on the familiar and the continuous. By attacking both one's biological body and one's "social body", the victim's psyche is strained to the point of dissociation.

Beatrice Patsalides describes this transmogrification thus in "Ethics of the unspeakable: Torture survivors in psychoanalytic treatment":

"As the gap between the 'I' and the 'me' deepens, dissociation and alienation increase. The subject that, under torture, was forced into the position of pure object has lost his or her sense of interiority, intimacy, and privacy. Time is experienced now, in the present only, and perspective - that which allows for a sense of relativity - is foreclosed. Thoughts and dreams attack the mind and invade the body as if the protective skin that normally contains our thoughts, gives us space to breathe in between the thought and the thing being thought about, and separates between inside and outside, past and present, me and you, was lost."

Torture robs the victim of the most basic modes of relating to reality and, thus, is the equivalent of cognitive death. Space and time are warped by sleep deprivation. The self ("I") is shattered. The tortured have nothing familiar to hold on to: family, home, personal belongings, loved ones, language, name. Gradually, they lose their mental resilience and sense of freedom. They feel alien - unable to communicate, relate, attach, or empathize with others.

Torture splinters early childhood grandiose narcissistic fantasies of uniqueness, omnipotence, invulnerability, and impenetrability. But it enhances the fantasy of merger with an idealized and omnipotent (though not benign) other - the inflicter of agony. The twin processes of individuation and separation are reversed.

Torture is the ultimate act of perverted intimacy. The torturer invades the victim's body, pervades his psyche, and possesses his mind. Deprived of contact with others and starved for human interactions, the prey bonds with the predator. "Traumatic bonding", akin to the Stockholm syndrome, is about hope and the search for meaning in the brutal and indifferent and nightmarish universe of the torture cell.

The abuser becomes the black hole at the center of the victim's surrealistic galaxy, sucking in the sufferer's universal need for solace. The victim tries to "control" his tormentor by becoming one with him (introjecting him) and by appealing to the monster's presumably dormant humanity and empathy.

This bonding is especially strong when the torturer and the tortured form a dyad and "collaborate" in the rituals and acts of torture (for instance, when the victim is coerced into selecting the torture implements and the types of torment to be inflicted, or to choose between two evils).

The psychologist Shirley Spitz offers this powerful overview of the contradictory nature of torture in a seminar titled "The Psychology of Torture" (1989):

"Torture is an obscenity in that it joins what is most private with what is most public. Torture entails all the isolation and extreme solitude of privacy with none of the usual security embodied therein ... Torture entails at the same time all the self exposure of the utterly public with none of its possibilities for camaraderie or shared experience. (The presence of an all powerful other with whom to merge, without the security of the other's benign intentions.)

A further obscenity of torture is the inversion it makes of intimate human relationships. The interrogation is a form of social encounter in which the normal rules of communicating, of relating, of intimacy are manipulated. Dependency needs are elicited by the interrogator, but not so they may be met as in close relationships, but to weaken and confuse. Independence that is offered in return for 'betrayal' is a lie. Silence is intentionally misinterpreted either as confirmation of information or as guilt for 'complicity'.

Torture combines complete humiliating exposure with utter devastating isolation. The final products and outcome of torture are a scarred and often shattered victim and an empty display of the fiction of power."

Obsessed by endless ruminations, demented by pain and a continuum of sleeplessness - the victim regresses, shedding all but the most primitive defense mechanisms: splitting, narcissism, dissociation, projective identification, introjection, and cognitive dissonance. The victim constructs an alternative world, often suffering from depersonalization and derealization, hallucinations, ideas of reference, delusions, and psychotic episodes.

Sometimes the victim comes to crave pain - very much as self-mutilators do - because it is a proof and a reminder of his individuated existence otherwise blurred by the incessant torture. Pain shields the sufferer from disintegration and capitulation. It preserves the veracity of his unthinkable and unspeakable experiences.

This dual process of the victim's alienation and addiction to anguish complements the perpetrator's view of his quarry as "inhuman", or "subhuman". The torturer assumes the position of the sole authority, the exclusive fount of meaning and interpretation, the source of both evil and good.

Torture is about reprogramming the victim to succumb to an alternative exegesis of the world, proffered by the abuser. It is an act of deep, indelible, traumatic indoctrination. The abused also swallows whole and assimilates the torturer's negative view of him and often, as a result, is rendered suicidal, self-destructive, or self-defeating.

Thus, torture has no cut-off date. The sounds, the voices, the smells, the sensations reverberate long after the episode has ended - both in nightmares and in waking moments. The victim's ability to trust other people - i.e., to assume that their motives are at least rational, if not necessarily benign - has been irrevocably undermined. Social institutions are perceived as precariously poised on the verge of an ominous, Kafkaesque mutation. Nothing is either safe, or credible anymore.

Victims typically react by undulating between emotional numbing and increased arousal: insomnia, irritability, restlessness, and attention deficits. Recollections of the traumatic events intrude in the form of dreams, night terrors, flashbacks, and distressing associations.

The tortured develop compulsive rituals to fend off obsessive thoughts. Other psychological sequelae reported include cognitive impairment, reduced capacity to learn, memory disorders, sexual dysfunction, social withdrawal, inability to maintain long-term relationships, or even mere intimacy, phobias, ideas of reference and superstitions, delusions, hallucinations, psychotic microepisodes, and emotional flatness.

Depression and anxiety are very common. These are forms and manifestations of self-directed aggression. The sufferer rages at his own victimhood and resulting multiple dysfunction. He feels shamed by his new disabilities and responsible, or even guilty, somehow, for his predicament and the dire consequences borne by his nearest and dearest. His sense of self-worth and self-esteem are crippled.

In a nutshell, torture victims suffer from a post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Their strong feelings of anxiety, guilt, and shame are also typical of victims of childhood abuse, domestic violence, and rape. They feel anxious because the perpetrator's behavior is seemingly arbitrary and unpredictable - or mechanically and inhumanly regular.

They feel guilty and disgraced because, to restore a semblance of order to their shattered world and a modicum of dominion over their chaotic life, they need to transform themselves into the cause of their own degradation and the accomplices of their tormentors.

The CIA, in its "Human Resource Exploitation Training Manual - 1983" (reprinted in the April 1997 issue of Harper's Magazine), summed up the theory of coercion thus:

"The purpose of all coercive techniques is to induce psychological regression in the subject by bringing a superior outside force to bear on his will to resist. Regression is basically a loss of autonomy, a reversion to an earlier behavioral level. As the subject regresses, his learned personality traits fall away in reverse chronological order. He begins to lose the capacity to carry out the highest creative activities, to deal with complex situations, or to cope with stressful interpersonal relationships or repeated frustrations."

Inevitably, in the aftermath of torture, its victims feel helpless and powerless. This loss of control over one's life and body is manifested physically in impotence, attention deficits, and insomnia. This is often exacerbated by the disbelief many torture victims encounter, especially if they are unable to produce scars, or other "objective" proof of their ordeal. Language cannot communicate such an intensely private experience as pain.

Spitz makes the following observation:

"Pain is also unsharable in that it is resistant to language ... All our interior states of consciousness: emotional, perceptual, cognitive and somatic can be described as having an object in the external world ... This affirms our capacity to move beyond the boundaries of our body into the external, sharable world. This is the space in which we interact and communicate with our environment. But when we explore the interior state of physical pain we find that there is no object 'out there' - no external, referential content. Pain is not of, or for, anything. Pain is. And it draws us away from the space of interaction, the sharable world, inwards. It draws us into the boundaries of our body."

Bystanders resent the tortured because they make them feel guilty and ashamed for having done nothing to prevent the atrocity. The victims threaten their sense of security and their much-needed belief in predictability, justice, and rule of law. The victims, on their part, do not believe that it is possible to effectively communicate to "outsiders" what they have been through. The torture chambers are "another galaxy". This is how Auschwitz was described by the author K. Zetnik in his testimony in the Eichmann trial in Jerusalem in 1961.

Kenneth Pope in "Torture", a chapter he wrote for the "Encyclopedia of Women and Gender: Sex Similarities and Differences and the Impact of Society on Gender", quotes Harvard psychiatrist Judith Herman:

"It is very tempting to take the side of the perpetrator. All the perpetrator asks is that the bystander do nothing. He appeals to the universal desire to see, hear, and speak no evil. The victim, on the contrary, asks the bystander to share the burden of pain. The victim demands action, engagement, and remembering."

But, more often, continued attempts to repress fearful memories result in psychosomatic illnesses (conversion). The victim wishes to forget the torture, to avoid re-experiencing the often life threatening abuse and to shield his human environment from the horrors. In conjunction with the victim's pervasive distrust, this is frequently interpreted as hypervigilance, or even paranoia. It seems that the victims can't win. Torture is forever.

Note - Why Do People Torture?

We should distinguish functional torture from the sadistic variety. The former is calculated to extract information from the tortured or to punish them. It is measured, impersonal, efficient, and disinterested.

The latter - the sadistic variety - fulfils the emotional needs of the perpetrator.

People who find themselves caught up in anomic states - for instance, soldiers in war or incarcerated inmates - tend to feel helpless and alienated. They experience a partial or total loss of control. They have been rendered vulnerable, powerless, and defenseless by events and circumstances beyond their influence.

Torture amounts to exerting an absolute and all-pervasive domination of the victim's existence. It is a coping strategy employed by torturers who wish to reassert control over their lives and, thus, to re-establish their mastery and superiority. By subjugating the tortured - they regain their self-confidence and regulate their sense of self-worth.

Other tormentors channel their negative emotions - pent up aggression, humiliation, rage, envy, diffuse hatred - and displace them. The victim becomes a symbol of everything that's wrong in the torturer's life and the situation he finds himself caught in. The act of torture amounts to misplaced and violent venting.

Many perpetrate heinous acts out of a wish to conform. Torturing others is their way of demonstrating obsequious obeisance to authority, group affiliation, colleagueship, and adherence to the same ethical code of conduct and common values. They bask in the praise that is heaped on them by their superiors, fellow workers, associates, team mates, or collaborators. Their need to belong is so strong that it overpowers ethical, moral, or legal considerations.

Many offenders derive pleasure and satisfaction from sadistic acts of humiliation. To these, inflicting pain is fun. They lack empathy and so their victim's agonized reactions are merely cause for much hilarity.

Moreover, sadism is rooted in deviant sexuality. The torture inflicted by sadists is bound to involve perverted sex (rape, homosexual rape, voyeurism, exhibitionism, pedophilia, fetishism, and other paraphilias). Aberrant sex, unlimited power, excruciating pain - these are the intoxicating ingredients of the sadistic variant of torture.

Still, torture rarely occurs where it does not have the sanction and blessing of the authorities, whether local or national. A permissive environment is sine qua non. The more abnormal the circumstances, the less normative the milieu, the further the scene of the crime is from public scrutiny - the more is egregious torture likely to occur. This is especially true in totalitarian societies where the use of physical force to discipline or eliminate dissent is an acceptable practice.

AUTHOR BIO:

Sam Vaknin ( samvak.tripod.com ) is the author of Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited and After the Rain - How the West Lost the East. He served as a columnist for Global Politician, Central Europe Review, PopMatters, Bellaonline, and eBookWeb, a United Press International (UPI) Senior Business Correspondent, and the editor of mental health and Central East Europe categories in The Open Directory and Suite101.

Until recently, he served as the Economic Advisor to the Government of Macedonia.

Visit Sam's Web site at http://samvak.tripod.com



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#3940 From: "Sam Vaknin" <vaksam@...>
Date: Tue Aug 23, 2005 2:45 pm
Subject: Dating After Divorce
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Date: Tue Aug 23, 2005 11:09 am
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The "Tainted Love (Love with a Narcissist)" iMix has been published in the iTunes Music store at: [link] Tainted Love (Love with a Narcissist) Playlist Notes: Were you ever captivated by the intoxicating charm and
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Narcissism Lectures
Sam Vaknin Narcissus Publications - Aug 7, 9:37 am
Courtesy of Femfree, owner of the Narcissistic Personality Disorder and the Psychopath MSN Forums: [link] [link] [link] The Almost Untreatable Narcissistic Patient mms://67.109.171.163/videos4/a­unp.wmv
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#3938 From: "Sam Vaknin" <palma@...>
Date: Tue Aug 23, 2005 11:07 am
Subject: Of Criminals And CEOs
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Of Criminals And CEOs

The difference between bold, creative visionaries and deluded
psychopaths is not as big as it used to be.

By Tara Pepper
Newsweek International

Aug. 29, 2005 issue - For a while, Brian Blackwell seemed to have it
made. His girlfriend believed the cosseted only child from Liverpool
was a professional tennis player, with a $125,000 Nike contract
funding his jet-set lifestyle. He hired her as his private secretary
and wrote her a check for $90,000. He bought her a $16,000 car, then
purchased $22,500 worth of flights for them to New York, Miami,
Barbados and San Francisco. When they returned, he spent the summer
at her house. One day the police knocked on her door. Blackwell's
whole life, it turns out, was a lie. He had stolen $16,000 from a
trust fund his parents had set up for his education and maxed out
his father's credit card. The $90,000 check bounced (he had sixteen
cents in his account). The Nike contract never existed. And in June,
Blackwell was sentenced to life in prison for killing his parents
with a claw hammer and kitchen knife.

Story continues below &#8595;
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Psychiatrists from both defense and prosecution agreed that
Blackwell posed a severe case of narcissistic personality disorder,
or NPD, and he was convicted of manslaughter on grounds of
diminished responsibility. Yet Blackwell, before spiraling into his
delusional fantasies, was a straight-A student, well regarded by
teachers and about to attend university to become, as his parents
boasted, "not just a doctor—a surgeon." In fact, while his case is
extreme, researchers are finding that milder forms of NPD may
afflict some of society's most successful members. A recent study by
Belinda Board and Katarina Fritzon of the University of Surrey in
Britain found that successful business managers were as likely to
show the traits associated with NPD—grandiosity, lack of empathy and
exploitativeness—as samples of criminals and psychiatric
patients. "A narcissist, who breaks new ground, can be the optimal,
innovative business personality," says Michael Maccoby, author
of "The Productive Narcissist."

Narcissists often make exceptional managers, galvanizing employees
and making far-reaching changes. A narcissistic executive is the
creative, superficially charming colleague who may be arrogant and
manipulative but also charismatic and hard-charging, qualities that
are increasingly valued in politics and business. They can be
contrasted with obsessive managers, like Wal-Mart founder Sam
Walton, who kept a low profile and a modest lifestyle, or Gillette's
Colman Mockler, known for his calmness, courteousness and down-to-
earth manner. In a six-year study of high achievers working on
special projects in 20 large firms, management experts Bill Fischer
and Andy Boyton found that firms are often eager to hire such
brilliant thinkers, but fail to put their skills to good use. In the
best of cases, though, managers like Southwest Airlines cofounder
Herb Kelleher "smash the old economic rules and create an entirely
new game with their own rules," says Maccoby. "They use their
corporations as vehicles for their own vision."

That kind of success has much to do with the talent such leaders are
able to attract. Bill Gates, Oprah Winfrey and Steve Jobs are so
charismatic and visionary that employees overlook the more difficult
aspects of their narcissism; many of the best people are drawn to
their firms to be part of something that is ambitious and
meaningful. As Jack Welch wrote in his autobiography, he wanted
to "change GE from one of the great companies to absolutely the
greatest company in world business." The most effective narcissistic
CEOs are also self-aware enough to surround themselves with people
whose complementary personalities act as a check on their own.
(Kelleher, for instance, had Southwest president Colleen Barrett,
whose systematic attention to detail was the perfect foil for his
idea-driven approach.)

The question of how to manage such super egos has recently become a
hot-button issue in the boardroom. Narcissistic bosses may make bold
leaders, but they can also let aggression and selfishness fester in
the workplace, to the point where cruelty and deception are
condoned. For each Bill Gates or Steve Jobs, there's a Bernie Ebbers
or a Dennis Kozlowski—and the line between visionary leader and
loose cannon can be thin indeed. Many high achievers pursue wealth
and status to compensate for a deeper sense of despair and
worthlessness, and these unassimilated feelings get projected onto
employees, who bear the brunt of a narcissistic manager's
abrasiveness, lack of empathy, even random acts of cruelty. "We
certainly see some extreme characters, and by the time they're
referred here there is a problem," says Board, who runs a team of
psychologists, Peoplewise, that advises businesses on organizational
psychology. Many narcissistic managers don't welcome criticism, and
even soliciting advice or opinions can seem like a weakness.
Bullying and other self-centered behavior can leave legions of
employees "battered and bruised," says Board.

As Blackwell's case showed, a narcissist can segue into criminality
almost imperceptibly, particularly in a culture that values self-
promotion. Board recalls one manager at a big public company, Phil,
who was referred to her after he had been discovered systematically
lying about the profitability of his team. "Phil never believed he
could be caught," she says. "And the company couldn't believe
anything bad about him, until the evidence was overwhelming." After
five months of cognitive behavior therapy, Phil began to face up to
what he had done, and learned ways of developing empathy with his
colleagues.

As firms come to appreciate the creativity and vision of
narcissistic managers, they're learning more about how to spot signs
that things are going awry. Narcissistic managers can transform a
business. But the shadow of Brian Blackwell—or Enron, where
narcissism was institutionalized—is a reminder that sometimes more
sober heads need to prevail.

© 2005 Newsweek, Inc.

Save for later reference! Forward to interested parties and relevant
discussion and mailing groups!

Narcissistic abuse in the workplace and narcissism of authority
figures

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/faq81.html

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/journal79.html

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/faq11.html

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/15.html

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/journal70.html

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/journal52.html

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/journal48.html

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/corporatenarcissism.html

http://healthyplace.com/Communities/personality_disorders/site/Transc
ripts/narcissism_workplace.htm

http://www.suite101.com/bulletin.cfm/6514/10621

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/pp114.html

http://www.tipsofallsorts.com/bully.html

http://open-site.org/Society/Issues/Violence_and_Abuse/Workplace/

http://www.nypress.com/16/7/news&columns/feature.cfm

http://www.bullyonline.org/workbully/npd.htm

http://www.freepint.com/issues/240703.htm

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/journal45.html

http://www.abc.net.au/rn/talks/bbing/stories/s1158704.htm

http://www.freepint.com/issues/260505.htm

#3937 From: "Sam Vaknin" <vaksam@...>
Date: Mon Aug 22, 2005 10:44 am
Subject: New Book - Acts of Trust by Mary Farrell
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EXISLE PUBLISHING LTD

Welcome to our International Titles catalogue.

These titles are available for co-edition and translation sales. For more information on any of these books, please contact ehexisle@... .

192 pages
9 x 6 inches (234 x 153 mm)
Paperback with flaps
Publication date May 2005
All rights available

 

Acts of Trust 
Mary Farrell

This groundbreaking book explores the concept of trust, which is so critical to all our lives. Mary Farrell recounts the stories of a range of exceptional people to show the various facets of trust. Among them are the Native American who runs a wolf sanctuary and lives and works with wild animals, a circus couple who need absolute trust to perform a ‘William Tell’ act on each other, horse-whisperer Franklin Levinson, best-selling author Susan Winter who has studied relationships between older women and younger men, and actor Michael Hurst (Iolaus in the television series Hercules). Using the principles and techniques of psychotherapy to shed light on the acts of trust in the stories she tells, Mary Farrell also looks at the negative sides of trust, including deceit. She has produced an absolutely unique book that will enlighten and delight readers around the world.


#3936 From: "Sam Vaknin" <vaksam@...>
Date: Mon Aug 22, 2005 10:05 am
Subject: Narcissism in the Boardroom
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Narcissism in the Boardroom

19 Aug 2005
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The perpetrators of the recent spate of financial frauds in the USA acted with callous disregard for both their employees and shareholders - not to mention other stakeholders. Psychologists have often remote-diagnosed them as "malignant, pathological narcissists".

Narcissists are driven by the need to uphold and maintain a false self - a concocted, grandiose, and demanding psychological construct typical of the narcissistic personality disorder. The false self is projected to the world in order to garner "narcissistic supply" - adulation, admiration, or even notoriety and infamy. Any kind of attention is usually deemed by narcissists to be preferable to obscurity.

The false self is suffused with fantasies of perfection, grandeur, brilliance, infallibility, immunity, significance, omnipotence, omnipresence, and omniscience. To be a narcissist is to be convinced of a great, inevitable personal destiny. The narcissist is preoccupied with ideal love, the construction of brilliant, revolutionary scientific theories, the composition or authoring or painting of the greatest work of art, the founding of a new school of thought, the attainment of fabulous wealth, the reshaping of a nation or a conglomerate, and so on. The narcissist never sets realistic goals to himself. He is forever preoccupied with fantasies of uniqueness, record breaking, or breathtaking achievements. His verbosity reflects this propensity.

Reality is, naturally, quite different and this gives rise to a "grandiosity gap". The demands of the false self are never satisfied by the narcissist's accomplishments, standing, wealth, clout, sexual prowess, or knowledge. The narcissist's grandiosity and sense of entitlement are equally incommensurate with his achievements.

To bridge the grandiosity gap, the malignant (pathological) narcissist resorts to shortcuts. These very often lead to fraud.

The narcissist cares only about appearances. What matters to him are the facade of wealth and its attendant social status and narcissistic supply. Witness the travestied extravagance of Tyco's Denis Kozlowski. Media attention only exacerbates the narcissist's addiction and makes it incumbent on him to go to ever-wilder extremes to secure uninterrupted supply from this source.

The narcissist lacks empathy - the ability to put himself in other people's shoes. He does not recognize boundaries - personal, corporate, or legal. Everything and everyone are to him mere instruments, extensions, objects unconditionally and uncomplainingly available in his pursuit of narcissistic gratification.

This makes the narcissist perniciously exploitative. He uses, abuses, devalues, and discards even his nearest and dearest in the most chilling manner. The narcissist is utility- driven, obsessed with his overwhelming need to reduce his anxiety and regulate his labile sense of self-worth by securing a constant supply of his drug - attention. American executives acted without compunction when they raided their employees' pension funds - as did Robert Maxwell a generation earlier in Britain.

The narcissist is convinced of his superiority - cerebral or physical. To his mind, he is a Gulliver hamstrung by a horde of narrow-minded and envious Lilliputians. The dotcom "new economy" was infested with "visionaries" with a contemptuous attitude towards the mundane: profits, business cycles, conservative economists, doubtful journalists, and cautious analysts.

Yet, deep inside, the narcissist is painfully aware of his addiction to others - their attention, admiration, applause, and affirmation. He despises himself for being thus dependent. He hates people the same way a drug addict hates his pusher. He wishes to "put them in their place", humiliate them, demonstrate to them how inadequate and imperfect they are in comparison to his regal self and how little he craves or needs them.

The narcissist regards himself as one would an expensive present, a gift to his company, to his family, to his neighbours, to his colleagues, to his country. This firm conviction of his inflated importance makes him feel entitled to special treatment, special favors, special outcomes, concessions, subservience, immediate gratification, obsequiousness, and lenience. It also makes him feel immune to mortal laws and somehow divinely protected and insulated from the inevitable consequences of his deeds and misdeeds.

The self-destructive narcissist plays the role of the "bad guy" (or "bad girl"). But even this is within the traditional social roles cartoonishly exaggerated by the narcissist to attract attention. Men are likely to emphasise intellect, power, aggression, money, or social status. Narcissistic women are likely to emphasise body, looks, charm, sexuality, feminine "traits", homemaking, children and childrearing.

Punishing the wayward narcissist is a veritable catch-22.

A jail term is useless as a deterrent if it only serves to focus attention on the narcissist. Being infamous is second best to being famous - and far preferable to being ignored. The only way to effectively punish a narcissist is to withhold narcissistic supply from him and thus to prevent him from becoming a notorious celebrity.

Given a sufficient amount of media exposure, book contracts, talk shows, lectures, and public attention - the narcissist may even consider the whole grisly affair to be emotionally rewarding. To the narcissist, freedom, wealth, social status, family, vocation - are all means to an end. And the end is attention. If he can secure attention by being the big bad wolf - the narcissist unhesitatingly transforms himself into one. Lord Archer, for instance, seems to be positively basking in the media circus provoked by his prison diaries.

The narcissist does not victimise, plunder, terrorise and abuse others in a cold, calculating manner. He does so offhandedly, as a manifestation of his genuine character. To be truly "guilty" one needs to intend, to deliberate, to contemplate one's choices and then to choose one's acts. The narcissist does none of these.

Thus, punishment breeds in him surprise, hurt and seething anger. The narcissist is stunned by society's insistence that he should be held accountable for his deeds and penalized accordingly. He feels wronged, baffled, injured, the victim of bias, discrimination and injustice. He rebels and rages.

Depending upon the pervasiveness of his magical thinking, the narcissist may feel besieged by overwhelming powers, forces cosmic and intrinsically ominous. He may develop compulsive rites to fend off this "bad", unwarranted, persecutory influences.

The narcissist, very much the infantile outcome of stunted personal development, engages in magical thinking. He feels omnipotent, that there is nothing he couldn't do or achieve if only he sets his mind to it. He feels omniscient - he rarely admits to ignorance and regards his intuitions and intellect as founts of objective data.

Thus, narcissists are haughtily convinced that introspection is a more important and more efficient (not to mention easier to accomplish) method of obtaining knowledge than the systematic study of outside sources of information in accordance with strict and tedious curricula. Narcissists are "inspired" and they despise hamstrung technocrats.

To some extent, they feel omnipresent because they are either famous or about to become famous or because their product is selling or is being manufactured globally. Deeply immersed in their delusions of grandeur, they firmly believe that their acts have - or will have - a great influence not only on their firm, but on their country, or even on Mankind. Having mastered the manipulation of their human environment - they are convinced that they will always "get away with it". They develop hubris and a false sense of immunity.

Narcissistic immunity is the (erroneous) feeling, harboured by the narcissist, that he is impervious to the consequences of his actions, that he will never be effected by the results of his own decisions, opinions, beliefs, deeds and misdeeds, acts, inaction, or membership of certain groups, that he is above reproach and punishment, that, magically, he is protected and will miraculously be saved at the last moment. Hence the audacity, simplicity, and transparency of some of the fraud and corporate looting in the 1990's. Narcissists rarely bother to cover their traces, so great is their disdain and conviction that they are above mortal laws and wherewithal.

What are the sources of this unrealistic appraisal of situations and events?

The false self is a childish response to abuse and trauma. Abuse is not limited to sexual molestation or beatings. Smothering, doting, pampering, over-indulgence, treating the child as an extension of the parent, not respecting the child's boundaries, and burdening the child with excessive expectations are also forms of abuse.

The child reacts by constructing false self that is possessed of everything it needs in order to prevail: unlimited and instantaneously available Harry Potter-like powers and wisdom. The false self, this Superman, is indifferent to abuse and punishment. This way, the child's true self is shielded from the toddler's harsh reality.

This artificial, maladaptive separation between a vulnerable (but not punishable) true self and a punishable (but invulnerable) false self is an effective mechanism. It isolates the child from the unjust, capricious, emotionally dangerous world that he occupies. But, at the same time, it fosters in him a false sense of "nothing can happen to me, because I am not here, I am not available to be punished, hence I am immune to punishment".

The comfort of false immunity is also yielded by the narcissist's sense of entitlement. In his grandiose delusions, the narcissist is sui generis, a gift to humanity, a precious, fragile, object. Moreover, the narcissist is convinced both that this uniqueness is immediately discernible - and that it gives him special rights. The narcissist feels that he is protected by some cosmological law pertaining to "endangered species".

He is convinced that his future contribution to others - his firm, his country, humanity - should and does exempt him from the mundane: daily chores, boring jobs, recurrent tasks, personal exertion, orderly investment of resources and efforts, laws and regulations, social conventions, and so on.

The narcissist is entitled to a "special treatment": high living standards, constant and immediate catering to his needs, the eradication of any friction with the humdrum and the routine, an all-engulfing absolution of his sins, fast track privileges (to higher education, or in his encounters with bureaucracies, for instance). Punishment, trusts the narcissist, is for ordinary people, where no great loss to humanity is involved.

Narcissists are possessed of inordinate abilities to charm, to convince, to seduce, and to persuade. Many of them are gifted orators and intellectually endowed. Many of them work in in politics, the media, fashion, show business, the arts, medicine, or business, and serve as religious leaders.

By virtue of their standing in the community, their charisma, or their ability to find the willing scapegoats, they do get exempted many times. Having recurrently "got away with it" - they develop a theory of personal immunity, founded upon some kind of societal and even cosmic "order" in which certain people are above punishment.

But there is a fourth, simpler, explanation. The narcissist lacks self-awareness. Divorced from his true self, unable to empathise (to understand what it is like to be someone else), unwilling to constrain his actions to cater to the feelings and needs of others - the narcissist is in a constant dreamlike state.

To the narcissist, his life is unreal, like watching an autonomously unfolding movie. The narcissist is a mere spectator, mildly interested, greatly entertained at times. He does not "own" his actions. He, therefore, cannot understand why he should be punished and when he is, he feels grossly wronged.

So convinced is the narcissist that he is destined to great things - that he refuses to accept setbacks, failures and punishments. He regards them as temporary, as the outcomes of someone else's errors, as part of the future mythology of his rise to power/brilliance/wealth/ideal love, etc. Being punished is a diversion of his precious energy and resources from the all-important task of fulfilling his mission in life.

The narcissist is pathologically envious of people and believes that they are equally envious of him. He is paranoid, on guard, ready to fend off an imminent attack. A punishment to the narcissist is a major surprise and a nuisance but it also validates his suspicion that he is being persecuted. It proves to him that strong forces are arrayed against him.

He tells himself that people, envious of his achievements and humiliated by them, are out to get him. He constitutes a threat to the accepted order. When required to pay for his misdeeds, the narcissist is always disdainful and bitter and feels misunderstood by his inferiors.

Cooked books, corporate fraud, bending the (GAAP or other) rules, sweeping problems under the carpet, over-promising, making grandiose claims (the "vision thing") - are hallmarks of a narcissist in action. When social cues and norms encourage such behaviour rather than inhibit it - in other words, when such behaviour elicits abundant narcissistic supply - the pattern is reinforced and become entrenched and rigid. Even when circumstances change, the narcissist finds it difficult to adapt, shed his routines, and replace them with new ones. He is trapped in his past success. He becomes a swindler.

But pathological narcissism is not an isolated phenomenon. It is embedded in our contemporary culture. The West's is a narcissistic civilization. It upholds narcissistic values and penalizes alternative value-systems. From an early age, children are taught to avoid self-criticism, to deceive themselves regarding their capacities and attainments, to feel entitled, and to exploit others.

As Lilian Katz observed in her important paper, "Distinctions between Self-Esteem and Narcissism: Implications for Practice", published by the Educational Resources Information Center, the line between enhancing self-esteem and fostering narcissism is often blurred by educators and parents.

Both Christopher Lasch in "The Culture of Narcissism" and Theodore Millon in his books about personality disorders, singled out American society as narcissistic. Litigiousness may be the flip side of an inane sense of entitlement. Consumerism is built on this common and communal lie of "I can do anything I want and possess everything I desire if I only apply myself to it" and on the pathological envy it fosters.

Not surprisingly, narcissistic disorders are more common among men than among women. This may be because narcissism conforms to masculine social mores and to the prevailing ethos of capitalism. Ambition, achievements, hierarchy, ruthlessness, drive - are both social values and narcissistic male traits. Social thinkers like the aforementioned Lasch speculated that modern American culture - a self-centred one - increases the rate of incidence of the narcissistic personality disorder.

Otto Kernberg, a notable scholar of personality disorders, confirmed Lasch's intuition: "Society can make serious psychological abnormalities, which already exist in some percentage of the population, seem to be at least superficially appropriate."

In their book "Personality Disorders in Modern Life", Theodore Millon and Roger Davis state, as a matter of fact, that pathological narcissism was once the preserve of "the royal and the wealthy" and that it "seems to have gained prominence only in the late twentieth century". Narcissism, according to them, may be associated with "higher levels of Maslow's hierarchy of needs ... Individuals in less advantaged nations .. are too busy trying (to survive) ... to be arrogant and grandiose".

They - like Lasch before them - attribute pathological narcissism to "a society that stresses individualism and self-gratification at the expense of community, namely the United States." They assert that the disorder is more prevalent among certain professions with "star power" or respect. "In an individualistic culture, the narcissist is 'God's gift to the world'. In a collectivist society, the narcissist is 'God's gift to the collective."

Millon quotes Warren and Caponi's "The Role of Culture in the Development of Narcissistic Personality Disorders in America, Japan and Denmark":

"Individualistic narcissistic structures of self-regard (in individualistic societies) ... are rather self-contained and independent ... (In collectivist cultures) narcissistic configurations of the we-self ... denote self-esteem derived from strong identification with the reputation and honor of the family, groups, and others in hierarchical relationships."

Still, there are malignant narcissists among subsistence farmers in Africa, nomads in the Sinai desert, day laborers in east Europe, and intellectuals and socialites in Manhattan. Malignant narcissism is all-pervasive and independent of culture and society. It is true, though, that the way pathological narcissism manifests and is experienced is dependent on the particulars of societies and cultures.

In some cultures, it is encouraged, in others suppressed. In some societies it is channeled against minorities - in others it is tainted with paranoia. In collectivist societies, it may be projected onto the collective, in individualistic societies, it is an individual's trait.

Yet, can families, organizations, ethnic groups, churches, and even whole nations be safely described as "narcissistic" or "pathologically self-absorbed"? Can we talk about a "corporate culture of narcissism"?

Human collectives - states, firms, households, institutions, political parties, cliques, bands - acquire a life and a character all their own. The longer the association or affiliation of the members, the more cohesive and conformist the inner dynamics of the group, the more persecutory or numerous its enemies, competitors, or adversaries, the more intensive the physical and emotional experiences of the individuals it is comprised of, the stronger the bonds of locale, language, and history - the more rigorous might an assertion of a common pathology be.

Such an all-pervasive and extensive pathology manifests itself in the behavior of each and every member. It is a defining - though often implicit or underlying - mental structure. It has explanatory and predictive powers. It is recurrent and invariable - a pattern of conduct melding distorted cognition and stunted emotions. And it is often vehemently denied.

BIBLIOGRAPHY

Guntrip, Harry. Personality Structure and Human Interaction. New York, International Universities Press, 1961
Horovitz M. J. Stress Response Syndromes: PTSD, Grief and Adjustment Disorders. 3rd Ed. New York, NY University Press, 1998

Jacobson, Edith. The Self and the Object World. New York, International Universities Press, 1964

Millon, Theodore. Personality Disorders in Modern Life. New York, John Wiley and Sons, 2000

Vaknin, Sam. Malignant Self-Love - Narcissism Revisited. Skopje and Prague, Narcissus Publications, 1999, 2001, 2003

AUTHOR BIO:

Sam Vaknin is the author of Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited and After the Rain - How the West Lost the East. He served as a columnist for Global Politician, Central Europe Review, PopMatters, Bellaonline, and eBookWeb, a United Press International (UPI) Senior Business Correspondent, and the editor of mental health and Central East Europe categories in The Open Directory and Suite101.

Visit Sam's Web site at http://samvak.tripod.com



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#3935 From: "Sam Vaknin" <vaksam@...>
Date: Mon Aug 22, 2005 10:04 am
Subject: Misdiagnosing Narcissism - The Bipolar I Disorder
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Misdiagnosing Narcissism - The Bipolar I Disorder

19 Aug 2005
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Bipolar patients in the manic phase exhibit many of the signs and symptoms of pathological narcissism - hyperactivity, self-centeredness, lack of empathy, and control freakery. During this recurring chapter of the disease, the patient is euphoric, has grandiose fantasies, spins unrealistic schemes, and has frequent rage attacks (is irritable) if her or his wishes and plans are (inevitably) frustrated.

The manic phases of the Bipolar Disorder, however, are limited in time - NPD is not. Furthermore, the mania is followed by - usually protracted - depressive episodes. The narcissist is also frequently dysphoric. But whereas the Bipolar sinks into deep self-deprecation, self-devaluation, unbounded pessimism, all-pervasive guilt and anhedonia - the narcissist, even when depressed, never forgoes his narcissism: his grandiosity, sense of entitlement, haughtiness, and lack of empathy.

Narcissistic dysphorias are much shorter and reactive - they constitute a response to the grandiosity gap. In plain words, the narcissist is dejected when confronted with the abyss between his inflated self-image and grandiose fantasies - and the drab reality of his life: his failures, lack of accomplishments, disintegrating interpersonal relationships, and low status. Yet, one dose of narcissistic supply is enough to elevate the narcissists from the depth of misery to the heights of manic euphoria.

Not so with the Bipolar. The source of her or his mood swings is assumed to be brain biochemistry - not the availability of narcissistic supply. Whereas the narcissist is in full control of his faculties, even when maximally agitated, the Bipolar often feels that s/he has lost control of his/her brain ("flight of ideas"), his/her speech, his/her attention span (distractibility), and his/her motor functions.

The Bipolar is prone to reckless behaviors and substance abuse only during the manic phase. The narcissist does drugs, drinks, gambles, shops on credit, indulges in unsafe sex or in other compulsive behaviors both when elated and when deflated.

As a rule, the Bipolar's manic phase interferes with his/her social and occupational functioning. Many narcissists, in contrast, reach the highest rungs of their community, church, firm, or voluntary organization. Most of the time, they function flawlessly - though the inevitable blowups and the grating extortion of narcissistic supply usually put an end to the narcissist's career and social liaisons.

The manic phase of Bipolar sometimes requires hospitalization and - more frequently than admitted - involves psychotic features. Narcissists are never hospitalized as the risk for self-harm is minute. Moreover, psychotic microepisodes in narcissism are decompensatory in nature and appear only under unendurable stress (e.g., in intensive therapy).

The Bipolar's mania provokes discomfort in both strangers and in the patient's nearest and dearest. His/her constant cheer and compulsive insistence on interpersonal, sexual, and occupational, or professional interactions engenders unease and repulsion. Her/his lability of mood - rapid shifts between uncontrollable rage and unnatural good spirits - is downright intimidating. The narcissist's gregariousness, by comparison, is calculated, "cold", controlled, and goal-orientated (the extraction of narcissistic supply). His cycles of mood and affect are far less pronounced and less rapid.

The Bipolar's swollen self-esteem, overstated self-confidence, obvious grandiosity, and delusional fantasies are akin to the narcissist's and are the source of the diagnostic confusion. Both types of patients purport to give advice, carry out an assignment, accomplish a mission, or embark on an enterprise for which they are uniquely unqualified and lack the talents, skills, knowledge, or experience required.

But the Bipolar's bombast is far more delusional than the narcissist's. Ideas of reference and magical thinking are common and, in this sense, the Bipolar is closer to the Schizotypal than to the Narcissistic.

There are other differentiating symptoms:

Sleep disorders - notably acute insomnia - are common in the manic phase of Bipolar and uncommon in narcissism. So is "Manic speech" - pressured, uninterruptible, loud, rapid, dramatic (includes singing and humorous asides), sometimes incomprehensible, incoherent, chaotic, and lasts for hours. It reflects the Bipolar's inner turmoil and his/her inability to control his/her racing and kaleidoscopic thoughts.

As opposed to narcissists, Bipolar in the manic phase are often distracted by the slightest stimuli, are unable to focus on relevant data, or to maintain the thread of conversation. They are "all over the place" - simultaneously initiating numerous business ventures, joining a myriad organization, writing umpteen letters, contacting hundreds of friends and perfect strangers, acting in a domineering, demanding, and intrusive manner, totally disregarding the needs and emotions of the unfortunate recipients of their unwanted attentions. They rarely follow up on their projects.

The transformation is so marked that the Bipolar is often described by his/her closest as "not himself/herself". Indeed, some Bipolars relocate, change name and appearance, and lose contact with their "former life". Antisocial or even criminal behavior is not uncommon and aggression is marked, directed at both others (assault) and oneself (suicide). Some Biploars describe an acuteness of the senses, akin to experiences recounted by drug users: smells, sounds, and sights are accentuated and attain an unearthly quality.

As opposed to narcissists, Bipolars regret their misdeeds following the manic phase and try to atone for their actions. They realize and accept that "something is wrong with them" and seek help. During the depressive phase they are ego-dystonic and their defenses are autoplastic (they blame themselves for their defeats, failures, and mishaps).

Finally, pathological narcissism is already discernible in early adolescence. The full-fledged Bipolar Disorder - including a manic phase - rarely occurs before the age of 20. The narcissist is consistent in his pathology - not so the Bipolar. The onset of the manic episode is fast and furious and results in a conspicuous metamorphosis of the patient.

More about this topic here:

Stormberg, D., Roningstam, E., Gunderson, J., & Tohen, M. (1998) Pathological Narcissism in Bipolar Disorder Patients. Journal of Personality Disorders, 12, 179-185

Roningstam, E. (1996), Pathological Narcissism and Narcissistic Personality Disorder in Axis I Disorders. Harvard Review of Psychiatry, 3, 326-340

By: Dr. Sam Vaknin

First published in my
"Narcissistic Personality Disorder" Topic Page on Suite 101

(The use of gender pronouns in this article reflects the clinical facts: most narcissists are men).

The manic phase of Bipolar I Disorder is often misdiagnosed as Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).

AUTHOR BIO:

Sam Vaknin is the author of Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited and After the Rain - How the West Lost the East. He served as a columnist for Global Politician, Central Europe Review, PopMatters, Bellaonline, and eBookWeb, a United Press International (UPI) Senior Business Correspondent, and the editor of mental health and Central East Europe categories in The Open Directory and Suite101.

Visit Sam's Web site at http://samvak.tripod.com



For more information on bipolar disorder click here.

For more information on insomnia click here.



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#3934 From: "Sam Vaknin" <vaksam@...>
Date: Mon Aug 22, 2005 10:04 am
Subject: Misdiagnosing Narcissism - Asperger's Disorder
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Misdiagnosing Narcissism - Asperger's Disorder

19 Aug 2005
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Asperger's Disorder is often misdiagnosed as Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), though evident as early as age 3 (while pathological narcissism cannot be safely diagnosed prior to early adolescence).

In both cases, the patient is self-centered and engrossed in a narrow range of interests and activities. Social and occupational interactions are severely hampered and conversational skills (the give and take of verbal intercourse) are primitive. The Asperger's patient body language - eye to eye gaze, body posture, facial expressions - is constricted and artificial, akin to the narcissist's. Nonverbal cues are virtually absent and their interpretation in others lacking.

Yet, the gulf between Asperger's and pathological narcissism is vast.

The narcissist switches between social agility and social impairment voluntarily. His social dysfunctioning is the outcome of conscious haughtiness and the reluctance to invest scarce mental energy in cultivating relationships with inferior and unworthy others. When confronted with potential sources of narcissistic supply, however, the narcissist easily regains his social skills, his charm, and his gregariousness.

Many narcissists reach the highest rungs of their community, church, firm, or voluntary organization. Most of the time, they function flawlessly - though the inevitable blowups and the grating extortion of narcissistic supply usually put an end to the narcissist's career and social liaisons.

The Asperger's patient often wants to be accepted socially, to have friends, to marry, to be sexually active, and to sire offspring. He just doesn't have a clue how to go about it. His affect is limited. His initiative - for instance, to share his experiences with nearest and dearest or to engage in foreplay - is thwarted. His ability to divulge his emotions stilted. He is incapable or reciprocating and is largely unaware of the wishes, needs, and feelings of his interlocutors or counterparties.

Inevitably, Asperger's patients are perceived by others to be cold, eccentric, insensitive, indifferent, repulsive, exploitative or emotionally-absent. To avoid the pain of rejection, they confine themselves to solitary activities - but, unlike the Schizoid, not by choice. They limit their world to a single topic, hobby, or person and dive in with the greatest, all-consuming intensity, excluding all other matters and everyone else. It is a form of hurt-control and pain regulation.

Thus, while the narcissist avoids pain by excluding, devaluing, and discarding others - the Asperger's patient achieves the same result by withdrawing and by passionately incorporating in his universe only one or two people and one or two subjects of interest. Both narcissists and Asperger's patients are prone to react with depression to perceived slights and injuries - but Asperger's patients are far more at risk of self-harm and suicide.

The use of language is another differentiating factor.

The narcissist is a skilled communicator. He uses language as an instrument to obtain narcissistic supply or as a weapon to obliterate his "enemies" and discarded sources with. Cerebral narcissists derive narcissistic supply from the consummate use they make of their innate verbosity.

Not so the Asperger's patient. He is equally verbose at times (and taciturn on other occasions) but his topics are few and, thus, tediously repetitive. He is unlikely to obey conversational rules and etiquette (for instance, to let others speak in turn). Nor is the Asperger's patient able to decipher nonverbal cues and gestures or to monitor his own misbehavior on such occasions. Narcissists are similarly inconsiderate - but only towards those who cannot possibly serve as sources of narcissistic supply.

By: Dr. Sam Vaknin

(The use of gender pronouns in this article reflects the clinical facts: most narcissists and most Asperger's patients are male).

AUTHOR BIO:

Sam Vaknin is the author of Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited and After the Rain - How the West Lost the East. He served as a columnist for Global Politician, Central Europe Review, PopMatters, Bellaonline, and eBookWeb, a United Press International (UPI) Senior Business Correspondent, and the editor of mental health and Central East Europe categories in The Open Directory and Suite101.

Visit Sam's Web site at http://samvak.tripod.com



For more information on depression click here.



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#3933 From: "Sam Vaknin" <vaksam@...>
Date: Sun Aug 21, 2005 3:32 pm
Subject: World Conference on the Prevention of Family Violence
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http://www.wcpfv2005.ca/en_home.cfm

Why is Alberta Children's Services hosting a conference on the prevention of
family violence?

Historically, family violence has been seen primarily as a problem affecting
adults in intimate relationships and the elderly. While shelters and a
justice response are critical components of a family violence strategy, they
are limited in their capacity to prevent family violence.

Over the past five years, there has been an increase in research related to
the impact of family violence on children.

We now know:

   a.. Children who are exposed to violence in their homes can be profoundly
affected - emotionally, cognitively, psychologically, and behaviorally. Even
newborns are affected by the loud noises and tension in families
experiencing violence.
   b.. Intimate partner violence can escalate to physical child abuse in a
high percentage of families.
   c.. Family violence was present in over 70 percent of serious injuries and
deaths of children.
   d.. Approximately 50 percent of all calls to child abuse offices involve
violence between the parents, although this is often not the reason for the
call. When there is violence between parents, there is often also physical
neglect, inappropriate discipline, emotional neglect, and/or exposure to
drugs and alcohol.
   e.. Homicide is the most common cause of death of pregnant and recently
pregnant women.
Prevention of family violence is prevention of child maltreatment.

^ back to top



Is prevention the primary focus of this conference?

Yes. It is important to understand that prevention falls into three
categories:

   a.. Primary – initiatives that prevent it from happening
   b.. Secondary – intervening early to minimize impact and future incidents,
and
   c.. Tertiary – or treatment to prevent the same thing from happening
again.
^ back to top



Who is the conference geared towards?

We expect the conference will attract researchers, legislators, academics
and professionals, from a wide range of disciplines, who may work directly
or indirectly to eliminate family violence and its impact.

^ back to top



How does this conference differ from other family violence conferences?

This conference will examine family violence in its social and legal context
from a global perspective with an emphasis on innovative prevention policies
and practices.

^ back to top



Does this conference provide assistance in obtaining the necessary Visa for
out-of-country participants?

Not directly. Information is available on-line to help out-of-country
participants obtain a Visa on the Government of Canada website:
http://canadainternational.gc.ca/

^ back to top

#3932 From: "Sam Vaknin" <vaksam@...>
Date: Sat Aug 20, 2005 3:33 pm
Subject: Acts of Trust by Mary Farrell - Chapter 9
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Chapter 9 from Mary Farrell's new book - "Acts of Trust"

 

BETRAYAL AND DECEPTION

 

The Dark Side of the Moon

 

I have told you many stories of trust – people who trust the animals they love and work with, each other, themselves and the universe in exceptional ways.  We can draw much inspiration from the way many people manage to survive the difficulties of their childhood experiences and go on to live fulfilled and creative lives.  In this section, I am concerned with what happens when trust breaks down, or is deliberately shattered by acts of betrayal and deception.  This is the dark side of the moon, that shadowy place where the memories and associations outside of conscious awareness affect our day-to-day dealings with each other. From the moment we enter the world, we begin to interact with significant others and a store of hidden and forbidden feelings begins to build up inside that very personal and mysterious space that has become known as the unconscious.

 

Archetypes

 

Since the beginning of time, and in all human cultures, certain symbolic figures have appeared.   The influential Swiss psychoanalyst and writer, Carl Gustav Jung called these figures “archetypes”.  He believed that these symbols recur because they are part of our “collective unconscious”.  In other words, as well as our personal unconscious, which contains all the feelings, memories and associations we have repressed or denied, we also have a set of meanings and symbols that belong to all human beings and can be found in dreams, myths, legends, sculpture, art and music.  He called these symbols “numinous”. The word conveys that which evokes a feeling of intense significance.  Numinous images are awe-inspiring and enigmatic.  Perhaps one of the most easily recognizable numinous images is the black monolith which appears in the opening scene of Stanley Kubrick’s 1968 masterpiece of film-making “2001 – A Space Odyssey”.

 

One of the first scenes of the film shows prehistoric ape men foraging for food and fleeing their predators.  They seem preoccupied with their basic needs and their survival, as one would expect.  We see them sleeping in their cave while the sounds of the nocturnal carnivores echo in the dangerous world outside.  It is a dark and vulnerable place.  In the dawn of the next day, we see something incredible.  A black flawless monolith stands about 12 feet high.  It seems to be a form from the future and it hums with magic.  Kubrick chose the music that reflected the numinosity of the image – Ligeti’s “Requiem” and  “Lux Eterna” (Everlasting Light).  The atmosphere is one of sacred awe and significance.   We see the ape men amazed by the extraordinary thing that stands in their midst.  One of them touches it with great reverence. 

 

Opposite Poles

Jung believed that each archetype has within it a force of good and a force of evil.  This is clearly shown in the next scene of “2001”.  After the ape men have touched the monolith, one of the most famous scenes in cinematic history shows one of the ape men looking at the bone he is holding.  As he plays with it and bangs it on the ground, he suddenly understands that the bone can be used as a murder weapon.  We see his fist clutching the bone held high, accompanied by the triumphant music of “Thus Spake Zarathustra”.  From this point on we see the ape men eating meat from the animals they have killed, and killing rival tribes.  They are on the way up in terms of evolution.  So the force of good within the monolith has advanced humanity – imparted intelligence and understanding – yet the force of bad has allowed power and violence to triumph.

 

Within all of us are these forces of what we call good and bad.  As Shakespeare’s “Hamlet” says:“Nothing is good or bad but thinking makes it so”.

 

We are brought up to internalise judgements about what is good and what is bad, to be aware of disapproval and to feel shame and guilt about our actions.  Dependent on our culture, the intricacies of our various social rules and discriminations will decree our sense of being a good or a bad person.  We are reliant on these rules, to some extent, for our sense of security and trust in ourselves and in each other. Our sense of inclusion in the particular group we belong to is also dependent on knowing what the rules are and having these made explicit to us.  As Terry Birchmore writes in his online paper on “Shame and Group Psychotherapy”:

 

“Not knowing information that we assume others in the group share disconnects us from group membership.  It is a symbol of our inadequacy and unworthiness to be included and to participate.  Lack of connection with others is the most shameful of experiences and stirs up Oedipal fears of exclusion and anxieties about our personal worthiness to be accepted and related to as an equal in the group.”

 

Repression

 

The problem is that this process of shame and exclusion by the powerful members of a group begins when we are too little to understand that there are rules.  The small child living as an organism, responding to physical appetite and stimuli, has no ideas that there is a rule about where to evacuate its bowel and bladder, no idea that nakedness is acceptable sometimes and not others, no idea that anger is disturbing and may provoke retaliation.  The degree to which the adults react to “transgressions” by the child is directly related to the degree of shame the child experiences, and with shame comes repression.  The child who is shamed pushes down feelings that are condemned by the adults around it, and those feelings become disowned.  They become a part of the unconscious.

 

The Shadow

 

Jung was fascinated by the idea of the dark and evil shadow that he believed lurked inside all of us – what he defined in 1945 as “the thing a person has no wish to be”.  He also wrote of two contradictory aspects within the human personality – he referred to them as “No.1 and No. 2 personalities.”   As a young student, he had a dream during which it seemed he was struggling forwards against a fierce wind in total darkness.  There was a fog which further hampered his progress.  He had his hands cupped around a tiny light that threatened to go out at any moment.   His survival depended on keeping this little light going against all odds.  At his back he was aware of a gigantic black figure following him.  The atmosphere of the dream was like the scariest verse in the history of poetry, from Coleridge’s “Ancient Mariner”:

 

“Like one who on a lonesome road

 Doth walk in fear and dread

And having once turned round, walks on

And turns no more his head

Because he knows a frightful fiend
Doth close behind him tread.”

 

Jung interpreted this dream to mean that the little light was his consciousness and the storm, the darkness and the dark giant/fiend who followed him was his unconscious.   He believed the shadow inside all of us consisted of the primitive aspects of the mind, those murderous, cruel, enraged, greedy and lustful feelings and impulses which we would prefer to disown and deny. 

“Everyone carries a shadow”, he wrote, “and the less embodied it is in the individual’s conscious life, the blacker and denser it is.”

 

As a psychotherapist who specialises in long-term work, I believe that the main task of this work is to help people to come to terms with the shadow self and to bring it from the unconscious into the conscious where it can be recognised and assimilated.  It is when the shadow remains locked in the unconscious that it can do most harm.  There, it is subject to being “split off”, in other words we come believe that we are wholly good and moral beings who would never be capable of ignoble or immoral actions, and from this high ground, we see others as wicked and sinful, stupid and greedy.  The obsessive dieter who has attained the pared down elegance of the super-slim looks at the large person eating a cake with disgust.  “How can she be such a pig!”  And yet, inside the super-slim woman is a raging longing to gobble cake and chocolate that scares her terribly, and which she keeps at bay like a lion tamer holding a chair against a lion who is threatening to devour him.  This longing is denied – stuffed down or repressed – so far down that it becomes inaccessible, and the dieter thinks of herself as pure, good and always in charge of her eating.  

 

At the heart of racism and homophobia, the shadow lurks – it is other people who are debased, stupid, bestial and repulsive – if we separate them from us, as exemplified by the ghastly laws of apartheid in latter day South Africa, then we can occupy our shining moral high ground, having cast the dreadful demons out into the wilderness.  But the shadow can also be found in our everyday dealings.  We all have people who irk us beyond all measure – people who can become an obsessive focus of our frustration and dislike.  We may find ourselves replaying certain interactions over and over again.  As Susan Olson says in her paper on The Shadow (Jung Society of Atlanta), the shadow has  “an emotional nature, a kind of autonomy, and accordingly an obsessive quality.  It we are feeling unusually emotional about someone or something – if it feels as though our emotions have us rather than our having them – then we might begin to suspect that the shadow is not far from us.  If we feel we cannot stand another person, then it’s very likely that the other represents significant shadow qualities for us.”

 

 

The Johari window

 

Most students of psychotherapy and counselling are familiar with a model called the Johari window.  Formulated by psychologists Joseph Lufts and Harry Ingham, it is designed to show different stages of self awareness in each of us.  It is divided into four panes, one open, one closed and two partially closed: -

You don’t know

Others don’t know

 

You know

Others don’t know

 

Others know

You don’t know

 

You know

Others know

 
 johari window model diagram

 

 The first pane represents the open window inside ourselves – that things about us that we know and that other people know: for example, the physical characteristics we have, the job or role we have in the community we live in, all the aspects of ourselves which are evident to others at first meeting.  The second pane is the blind area – a one-way pane of glass through which others watch us, but through which we are not able to see.  For example, we might think we are very outgoing and confident, but others might perceive us as arrogant and controlling.  On a simple level, we might have egg on our faces that others can see but we cannot!

 

The third pane is the hidden area, a one-way glass in the other direction – all the things we choose to keep secret about ourselves.  There can be multiple reasons for this choice – we could be secretive about things we are ashamed of, things we are guarding for fear of being cheated or exposed, things we would simply prefer not to share.  This is the area of mistrust, and can also be the area of betrayal and deception.

 

The fourth pane is the opaque glass through which we “see darkly” – the unknown area – and it includes everything we do not know about ourselves, and other people don’t know either.  This could be described as our unconscious – our deep and hidden feelings and motivations that haven’t been explored.  This is the area we take to psychotherapy, and explore through dream work and feelings that emerge between client and psychotherapist.  It is in this area that shadow lives  - indeed, in his later life, Jung asserted that the shadow was the unconscious.

 

 

Carla and Scarlet

 

This account of a difficult friendship between two women illustrates how the shadow can lurk in the background of our relationships and result in very painful outcomes.

 

Carla was a bright attractive young woman in her early thirties.  She had been referred to me by her doctor with terrible post traumatic stress symptoms resulting from a recent bereavement, and subsequently, a violent incident.  She had been having nightmares and horrifying flashbacks. She shared her life story with a great deal of distress and difficulty. Carla’s mother had been a bossy controlling woman, the headmistress of the local primary school, a person who enjoyed telling everyone what to do and how to do it.   Carla’s dad had been an antiques trader - a quiet, solitary and learned person and Carla had unequivocally adored him.  He and Carla had shared a great enthusiasm – antique jewellery.  Carla, an only child, had been left completely shocked and alone at 18 years of age, when her parents were tragically killed (the accident was one of those truly horrible circumstantial events – they had been travelling down a fairly isolated state highway when a truck had pulled out in front of them.  The driver of the truck had not lived to tell the tale.  Carla’s parents died at the scene).

 

In the years that followed, Carla had “gone wild”.   It was as if she had to get away from her mother’s rules and injunctions by doing everything her mother had disapproved of. She spent money “like water” as her mother would have said: she bought expensive designer denim (her mother hated denim and thought it was “lower-class and common”).  Carla adored her flounced denim skirts and jewelled coats.  She wore lots of make up (her mother had often told her she “looked like a cheap French tart” when Carla had put on her black eyeliner and mascara).  She slept with several different men. 

 

When she reached thirty, Carla had a wake-up call that radically altered her way of behaving.  She had gone out to a club and met a very good-looking and seemingly charming guy.  In her usual way, she had invited him back to her flat.  This time, instead of the usual highly charged evening of playful sex, the night progressed into the worst kind of frightening movie.  They had a couple of drinks together, and he had begun to “go crazy” calling her all kinds of foul names.  He raped her, hit and kicked her and smashed her beautiful possessions and some precious antiques left to her by her father.  She had been sure he was going to kill her.  Luckily a neighbour had heard the uproar and called the police.  After this incident, Carla went through a period of intense fear.  She moved out of the city, unable to endure the terrible associations of living in the place where she had been so viciously attacked.  She found a timber house out in the countryside about 12 kilometres from the city and loved the peace and quiet.  She decorated the house exactly as she wanted it and took great care planting and tending a cottage garden.  She stayed away from men.

 

 Through her work in psychotherapy, she was able to rebuild her sense of inner well-being.  She worked on her dreams and her flashbacks.  She formed a deep and significant relationship with me, and, in the world outside the therapy room, she began a profitable small business selling jewellery on the Internet.  She had learned all about antiques from her beloved father and had a good eye for spotting treasures at collectors’ markets.  She loved walking round suburban neighbourhoods and calling into the local antique dealers, sorting through the trays of gold and silver trinkets looking for bargains.  Gradually her business increased and she opened her own store on the massive American based auction site, eBay. It was fun! She developed pleasant relationships with her regular customers, writing emails back and to and finding them the exact pendant or locket they had been searching for and longing for.  She became something of an expert on semi precious gemstones, particularly the garnets and amethysts she loved.  Handling these vibrant deep red and purple jewels gave her a feeling of wholeness and great pleasure. Her jewellery trading was a lifesaver.  It meant she could work mostly from home, and when she did go out seeking treasures, it put her in touch with kindly, friendly people and helped her to trust herself and others again.  Her eBay trading made her feel that there were good people all over the world who trusted and liked her and who meant her no harm.

 

Trust in Cyberspace

 

 She explained the phenomenon of eBay to me.  It seems much of it is built on trust. Like a huge department store floating in cyberspace, it rests on the “feedback” rating of its users.  Each trader and customer on eBay  (and other internet auction sites) has an individual feedback rating. This is shown as a number after each person’s handle name.  Users can click on this number and come up with the “member profile” – a list of comments made by each person who has dealt with that user – comments like “Superb! Brilliant!  Very pleased with item and seller!” or, on the negative side: “Cheat!  Thief! Never sent item – don’t trust this person!”    If there are too many negative comments, the user is suspended from eBay and no longer allowed to use the site. The more positive feedback ratings, the greater the reputation of the user/trader.  Carla was proud of her 750 one hundred per cent positive feedback rating!  She had worked hard for it, carefully choosing and describing each item.  She took accurate digital photos of each piece, and when the pieces sold, she would enjoy wrapping them up in violet coloured tissue and placing them lovingly in small boxes, which she would take great care to label accurately and post off to her customers all over the world. 

 

One of Carla’s regular customers lived in Vancouver.  Her name was Scarlet.  Carla loved dealing with Scarlet – she loved her name, she loved the warm and loving emails Scarlet would write to her, and the glowing feedback she would leave for her after each sale was accomplished.  Scarlet would often “buy now”, which means that instead of waiting for the auction to finish, she would pay the top price that Carla was asking, and pay instantly.   Carla and Scarlet began to exchange personal information – the hidden areas in both their lives began to be opened, and they began to self-disclose.

 

Self-Disclosure

 

Self disclosure performs several functions in human society.  It’s a way of gaining information about another person – we start to trust another when we begin to know them.  Knowing a person means we can predict their behaviour and responses more reliably.  We have an unspoken rule about self-disclosure that is sometimes referred to as “the norm of reciprocity”.  This means that if a person self-discloses to someone else, the other person will self-disclose back.  In this way, we each build up a store of information about the other person, and this deepens our trust in and understanding of each other. 

 

Carla and Scarlet shared many emails of self-disclosure, telling each other about their preferences in clothes and jewellery at first, and then more about their lives so far.  It turned out they had both lost their parents fairly early in their lives.

 

Scarlet told Carla her mother had also been killed in an accident when she was 15.  Her father, she said, had been a bully and a tyrant and had beaten her up regularly.  Carla’s heart went out to Scarlet – she knew what that must have felt like!  Scarlet had also lived a wild kind of life with lots of boyfriends.  She sent Carla a photograph – she was one of those long haired, long-legged, tanned gypsy looking girls that Carla longed to look like (Carla was small and curvy, with hazel eyes and brown hair).  Up to this point, Carla had a very romantic picture of Scarlet in her mind.  Scarlet suggested they start to talk on the phone.

 

 

Shattered Illusions

 

The phone calls began to be rather onerous for Carla.  Scarlet would phone at difficult times – she lived in Canada and Carla lived in New Zealand – Scarlet didn’t seem to make much allowance for the time difference and would ring Carla too late at night or too early in the morning.  Scarlet was also fond of long monologues about herself and her strange beliefs – she was convinced of the existence of extra terrestrials, and went into huge detail about what the aliens might look like and where they might be landing.  Carla tried to be polite, but more and more, she felt herself retreating and she fought against a continual sense of being used as her mother had used her.  She found herself resenting the long one-way phone calls.  When eventually, Scarlet told Carla she was going to be visiting New Zealand as part of a trip to Australia, Carla’s heart sank. 

 

Carla felt incapable of saying no to Scarlet and agreed to have her to stay.  As the day approached, she found herself getting quite excited and told herself that it could be a really good time.  She and Scarlet would have fun going to markets together and walking on the beach.  Her positive feelings were short lived however – when Scarlet appeared at the door, she was not at all what Carla had been expecting. A common problem with internet communication, as most people who use internet dating sites discover, is that the reality very rarely matches up to the imaginary companions that we have created in our minds.  The internet provides a perfect arena where we can pretend to be other than we are and assume identities.  We can create fantasy selves and believe in the fantasy selves created by others.

 

Scarlet had told Carla she was 35, but the woman who Carla was looking at was at least ten years older than that, with a kind of wizened, sunburnt face and long, lank hair – far from the beautiful picture she had sent Carla (which must have been taken many years before.)  Carla had prepared a lovely meal, which Scarlet hardly touched.  Things went from bad to worse.  That weekend, there was torrential rain.  It was impossible to go outside much.  The two women decided they’d go shopping in the city.  On the way, there were complicated roadworks, and Carla, a nervous driver, had to ask Scarlet to stop talking at her, as she had to concentrate on negotiating her way round difficult diversions. At this point Scarlet shut her little wrinkled mouth and hardly spoke to Carla again for the rest of the day. 

 

Carla was losing patience.  As the wine they had with dinner loosened Scarlet’s tongue again, and she started telling Carla about all her different boyfriends, about her experiences with psychic visions and how she could see auras around people, Carla became exasperated. 

“What does all this new age stuff mean to you?” she said, irritably.

Again, Scarlet became completely silent and retired to the bedroom.  The next morning, Scarlet had her bags packed and had called the airport shuttle. Carla tried to make amends, feeling she had done something dreadful.  She felt as if she had been a terrible host.  Even though she had tried so hard to make Scarlet welcome, she had not been able to endure her.

 

When Scarlet returned to Vancouver, she wrote Carla a series of very nasty emails. She wrote about her own “spirituality” and accused Carla of being superficial, self-satisfied, materialistic and fat. Carla was mortified.  She read and re read the emails time and time again.  She went to sleep thinking about Scarlet and burning with indignation about her nastiness.  She couldn’t believe how much hate and venom Scarlet seemed to feel for her, when before the visit, Scarlet had seemed to be so enthusiastic about their friendship.  For the past year, Scarlet had been sending her gifts and postcards, addressing her with endearments!  

 

Neither of these women had set out to betray or deceive the other, and yet somehow, that is exactly how they both ended up feeling.  In the absence of face-to-face information, they had become friends in cyberspace.  With the first reality check of the phone calls came unease and discomfort, and all illusions were finally shattered as the two women met in person and found that they disliked each other.

 

The Shadow Intervenes

 

 Carla told me about a dream she had after Scarlet left:-

 

“I was involved in a cult, all female - living on the banks of a river.  I can’t remember much about the women – they were a bit like ghosts.  Scarlet came to find me and told me of a decision to commit group suicide.  She gave me some potion to take, then she disappeared.  I swallowed it and then became acutely aware that I only had 24 hours to live.  I walked alone by streams, under bridges, and I was starting to feel the effects of the potion.  I had something I had to do (not sure what) and I found my car and started to get into it.  I knew I shouldn’t drive, that it wouldn’t be safe.  At this point I felt very relieved.  I was sad about dying though.”

 

The dream resonates with the presence of the shadow – represented by the ghostly people and Scarlet, of course.  In the dream, the cult could be said to represent a community of women that Carla was trying very hard to belong to.  Women are brought up to affirm each other and flatter each other, to always be polite and kind to each other and to agree with each other.   But to have a place in this cult, Carla is asked to swallow poison, in other words to subdue her true feelings.  The poison is brought to her by Scarlet.  In some ways, the poison could be said to represent Scarlet’s envy of Carla’s obvious advantages.  Carla was younger, more financially secure and more psychologically aware than Scarlet.  Scarlet implied in her emails that she was superior to Carla, and Carla could have “swallowed” Scarlet’s poisonous remarks, and believed that Scarlet was better and more enlightened than her.  It was easier to believe that she somehow deserved Scarlet’s hate and disgust than to face the real feelings of distaste, disapproval, judgement and dislike that she was experiencing towards Scarlet.  

 

Carla was trying so hard to be unlike her mother, to be sweet, good, kind and generous, to offer and listen and understand, that she was boiling over inside.  She had been feeling intense dislike of Scarlet for several weeks before she actually met her, resenting the long self-involved monologues, secretly ridiculing her for her idiotic beliefs in extra terrestrials, judging her for the bad spelling in her emails.  When Scarlet had turned up, she had felt very disappointed in the way she looked, and in her taste in clothes.  Scarlet was very far from the loving and graceful idealised woman she had imagined.  To compensate for these feelings, she had felt compelled to keep trying to please Scarlet, but the disappointment and rage kept welling up inside her and wouldn’t go away.

 

The symbol of the car in dreams very often relates to the control we have over our own lives.  In Carla’s dream, she was conflicted about getting into her car.  Should she express her feelings fully, or surrender to the “cult poison”, and give up her true self? She could allow herself to be poisoned by the potion, (stay in the hidden and unknown panes of the Johari window) or digest the potion and survive, moving into the open area.  To digest the potion would be to come to terms with the previously split off feelings and accept the angry, disapproving and perhaps cruel part of herself.  In the dream, she prefers to die.  The child who has been “used” by the parents for their own needs develops a false self.  It is a fantasy of perfection, an ideal self, who never makes mistakes, and never feels ignoble feelings or experiences mean and greedy thoughts.  This is how the true self dies, and the false self continues to live on.  In Carla’s dream, her true self dies, and the false self, who wants to be accepted by “the cult”, will become one of the ghostly cult members. 

 

The False Self

 

As described in a previous chapter, we are all born with an “organismic self” – in other words, a true set of feelings, preferences and choices that belong to each one of us in an entirely unique way.    Jung believed the self was the soul, or the spirit, and that it was the totality of a person’s individual being, containing the conscious and the unconscious.  He also believed that as we grow, we defend the self as we would defend a vault where precious treasure is stored.  The more the infant feels attacked by the environment or the caregivers, the stronger the defences are, and the false self serves as a kind of bodyguard.  The false self protects the vulnerable self from outer persecution, and also from inner anger and frustration.  If a child is badly attacked, in terms of being physically, sexually or emotionally abused, the defences can result in what we now call personality disorders.  The narcissistic personality, for example, protects the vulnerable self by layers of grandiosity and a huge sense of entitlement. 

 

Sam Vaknin, expert on this personality type, and author of  “Malignant Self-Love – Narcissism Revisited” writes:

 

“The False Self serves as a decoy, it attracts the fire.  It is a proxy for the True Self.  It is tough as nails, and can absorb any amount of pain, hurt and negative emotions.  By inventing it, the child develops immunity to the indifference, manipulation, sadism, smothering or exploitation of his parents or other primary caregivers. It is a cloak, protecting him, rendering him invisible and omnipotent at the same time.”

Sam Vaknin “The Dual Role of the False Self” http://samvak.tripod.com

 

The false self can also become an instrument of betrayal and deception, especially when it is imbued with envy and aggression towards others.

 

 

Dearest Jot

 

The case of the criminal deceptions of the personal assistant at Goldman Sachs who stole GBP4.5 million was emblazoned over the English newspapers in 2002.  Her exploits became compulsive reading – the Cartier jewelry she bought for herself, the Aston Martin Vanquish car she bought for her husband, the villa in Cyprus complete with swimming pool – all the glittering details were devoured by hungry readers like exquisite chocolate treats.  Joyti de Laurey began working for Goldman Sachs (dubbed Golden Sachs by the English newspapers) in 1998.  Before that she had narrowly avoided bankruptcy when her sandwich shop in East London went out of business.  Joyti was a well-educated, well-spoken, intelligent and creative Indian woman with a large curvy body and a discreet warmth.  She also appeared to be extremely reliable, and very hard working. 

 

Jennifer Moses, an executive director in mergers and acquisitions at Goldman Sachs, and her husband Ron Beller, a fixed income trader, took Joyti on as their personal assistant.  “Dearest Jot”, as Jennifer Moses was later to refer to her, became indispensable to the fabulously wealthy couple.  In June 2001, Ron Beller asked Joyti to arrange a surprise 40th birthday party for Jennifer in Rome. The three-day celebration began with champagne and canapιs for 40 couples, before continuing on to dinner and dancing at the exclusive club La Dolce Vita.  The following morning, guests were chauffeured to a lavish all-day party at a Roman castle.  The finale was a superb brunch at an Italian villa while a string quartet played for the guests.  Joyti was amongst the guests, and toasted Jennifer Moses in glowing terms.  Back in London, Jennifer wrote Joyti a note, enclosing a gift of expensive jewellery and a cheque for 5000 pounds.

 

“Dearest Jot”, she wrote, “this just gilds the lily, but it’s a way of saying thank you for the best weekend of my life.  Your toast will always be etched on my heart. You are truly amazing.”

 

Joyti lived almost entirely in the hidden area of the Johari window.  Her false self was the only one known to others.  For while she was acting as the perfect, adoring, loyal and trustworthy personal assistant to Jennifer and Ron, she was forging their signatures on the chequebooks with which they had trusted her.  To cover her theft, she replenished the cash in the couple’s UK checking account with money she transferred from their accounts at the bank’s “wealth management unit” in New York.   It seems that Jennifer and Ron suspected nothing, but at some point in 2001, Jennifer asked Joyti to draw up a list of their expenditure.  Joyti didn’t carry this request out, but told Jennifer the birthday party had been very costly, and that was why their expenses seemed higher than usual.  Joyti’s deception extended beyond the financial.  She had formed what seemed to be a personal and close friendship with Jennifer Moses. In November 2000, she told Jennifer her husband was having an affair and she wanted to move out and get a house for herself and her son.  Jennifer lent Joyti 40,000 pounds interest free so that she could do this.  (Joyti repaid the loan from the couple’s own money that she had stolen from their accounts.)  She told Jennifer she was suffering from cervical cancer.  This was untrue.  Jennifer was deeply affected by this as her own mother had been fighting cancer for some months.  She offered to pay for Joyti’s treatment in New York.   Dearest Jot used the money to have a five star vacation at the Peninsula Beverley Hills Hotel and to spend vast sums in the surrounding boutiques. 

 

When Moses and Beller retired from Goldman Sachs in June 2001, Joyti went on to forge cheques and steal from the accounts of her new boss, investment banker and multi-millionaire, Scott Mead.  In 2002, after Scott Mead had decided to add an apartment in New York to his growing collection of homes, Joyti realised it would be the perfect cover for her single largest theft.  Her regular contact with the private wealth management team who looked after the investments of Goldman Sachs’ top executives, and the trust that she engendered in all who dealt with her made her fraud easy.  After casually informing one of the team that the apartment’s vendor lived in Cyprus, she forged Mead’s signature on an authentic looking transfer request and asked for the GBP2.25 million to be sent to Cyprus to an account in the name of J.Schahhou (Joyti’s maiden name).

 

Between February and April 2002, she pocketed a further GBP1.1million.  On May 1st, Scott Mead asked the wealth management team to make a sizeable donation to Harvard, his former college.  He was shocked to learn that he did not have enough remaining in his account, and furthermore, that unauthorized transfers had been made to Cyprus.  By that time, Joyti had handed in her notice, telling Mead she was moving to Cyprus as the Archbishop of Nicosia’s new assistant.  Scott Mead called in the head of security, and the next day, Joyti was arrested.  She has since been sentenced and is now in jail in the UK. 

 

Letters to God

 

Joyti’s false self seems to have been fragmented into two parts.  There was the faηade of a compliant and discreet servant and running alongside, a huge sense of entitlement to all the advantages and riches of her bosses.  As Sam Vaknin says:

 

“The narcissist is saying, in effect: ‘I am not who you think I am. I deserve a better, painless, more considerate treatment.”

 

This sense of entitlement makes itself very evident in the most bizarre feature of the Joyti de Laurey case. In a couple of notebooks that she called her “Bible of Daily Thoughts”, Joyti wrote strange child like little letters to God.  It is a striking example of the false self protecting the true self:  she asks God for protection as if he is truly listening to her and accepting her and as if he should indulge her criminal activities and allow her to escape undetected with all her pilfered loot: -

 

 “Dear God”, she wrote in her copper plate handwriting, “I don’t want to lose Jen’s trust over anything.  Please protect me.  I have only to secure another 40(thousand) and I’m done.  Please ensure they haven’t discovered anything.  I need to be alright.  So much is depending on me – the car, the house, etc, etc.  I just want everything to be fine.  Please, please God, ensure my relationship with Jen is untarnished. With nothing but all my heart, J.”

On another occasion, she wrote:“Dear God, I write to you worried and fearful that once again I could find myself in serious trouble.  Please protect me.  I need one more helping of what’s mine and then I must cut down and cease in time all the plundering.”

 

During her three-month trial, Joyti claimed that transfers to her account had been legitimate payment for helping the three Goldman bosses run their private lives and conceal extra-marital affairs.  She fought the charges of theft and fraud vigorously, and appeared “tough as nails” and without emotion in court.  The vulnerable little child who had written to God (or appealed to the False Self to cover her shame) – “ why do I get so scared? What will become of me? Please look after me and keep me and my family safe and without money worries…” – was banished back into her private hell, and in its place was the glittering veneer.  Joyti and her lawyers claimed the stolen money was a “reward for being me”.   Surely that is what every child deserves – a rewarding life just for being themselves – unconditional love, acceptance and regard.  We must assume that Joyti was severely deprived of these childhood rewards, and that the bitterness, anger, envy and resentment was stored up inside of her until she was able to release it.

 

The Archetypes of Success

 

As humanity has advanced in terms of invention and achievement, so the numinous images of our civilization have become more and more linked with material success.  Joyti coveted the possessions and outward symbols of success that her employers enjoyed – the cars, the jewellery and the overseas villas.  These possessions become linked to a feeling of being chosen, being significant, being special.  The face of a supermodel, the brand new shining car, the silks and satins of a designer ball gown, the vase of immaculate flowers in the ideal home – all of these images are imbued with feelings of sacred significance as we become more and more likely to worship material perfection rather than spiritual enlightenment.  But inside the archetype of perfect beauty lurks the two headed beast of envy and greed.

 

 

Ripley

 

We want our villains to be charming and beautiful – we want them to represent our envy and greed inside a beautiful exterior.  We want them to act out for us our most heinous desires.  A vast percentage of the most popular books and movies involve scams, heists, counterfeit, fraud and “stings”.  We love to witness clever criminals at work – especially if they are attractive clever criminals.  We want them to escape – our hearts pound for them when they are evading capture and we long for them to be on the boat or the plane, enjoying the blue sea and the sunshine, having successfully evaded the police with their ill-gotten gains.  Perhaps the most disturbing of these stories is Patricia Highsmith’s brilliant study of the poor orphaned boy who becomes a consummate trickster, “The Talented Mr. Ripley” (recently made into a compelling film by Anthony Minghella).

 

 We’re introduced to Tom Ripley as a harmless beast who skulks around thinking up cheap scams.  Like a marauding wild animal in a city full of humans, he lives in fear of entrapment.  He’s being followed by a man called Greenleaf.  This desperate father, from the upper echelons of New York society, want Tom’s help to find his son, Dickie.  Ironically Tom’s name has surfaced through some friends of Dickie’s who remembered how clever and helpful Tom had been when they got in a muddle with their income tax. 

 

“Charley could have told Mr Greenleaf that Tom was intelligent, level-headed, scrupulously honest and very willing to do a favour.  It was a slight error.”

Patricia Highsmith: “The Talented Mr Ripley” Vintage 1999(reprint)

 

But Mr Greenleaf is completely taken in as Tom’s adrenalin surges and his performance as a helpful, jolly decent young man, who has been a really close and good friend to Dickie, gathers momentum. His mind whirrs like a machine assessing and measuring his opportunities to exploit and deceive.  He realises that Herbert is presenting him with such an opportunity:

 

“Tom’s heart took a sudden leap.  He put on an expression of reflection. It was a possibility.  Something in him had smelt it out and leapt at it even before his brain.”

Patricia Highsmith: “The Talented Mr Ripley” Vintage 1999.

 

Greenleaf hires him to go to Italy to the small fishing village where Dickie now lives, and his brief is to persuade Dickie to come back home.  

 

Tom slides into different identities as smoothly as a chameleon’s tongue darts out and rolls up the unsuspecting fly.  On the boat to France, he plays the part of the wealthy, aloof, serious young American with something very important to do.  Once in Mongibello, where Dickie is leading a very pleasant life with a young woman called Marge, Tom glides into his role as Dickie’s best friend, enjoying every moment of the lifestyle, food, wine and travel that such a position affords.  It all goes very well for some weeks.  People trust Tom easily – he has a kind of anonymity– he has “the world’s dullest face, a thoroughly forgettable face”, and a formidable talent for imitating the manners and style of whomever he finds himself with.   However, Dickie and Marge start to tire of Tom.  For a while, Tom had felt convinced that he was significant to Dickie as Dickie was to him.  When it eventually becomes apparent that Dickie is getting bored and uncomfortable with him and Tom decides to exterminate him, it is almost as though he has decided to smash a mirror that is no longer offering a good reflection:

 

“He wanted to kill Dickie.  It was not the first time he had thought of it.  Before, once, twice or three times, it had been an impulse caused by anger, or disappointment, an impulse that had vanished immediately and left him with a feeling of shame.  Now he thought about it for an entire minute, two minutes, because he was leaving Dickie anyway, and what was there to be ashamed of any more?  He had failed with Dickie, in every way.  He hated Dickie… he had offered Dickie friendship companionship, and respect, everything he had to offer, and Dickie had replied with ingratitude, and now hostility.  Dickie was shoving him out in the cold.  If he killed him on this trip, Tom thought, he could simply say some accident had happened.  He could – he had just thought of something brilliant:  he could become Dickie Greenleaf himself!”

Patricia Highsmith: “The Talented Mr Ripley (Vintage 1999)

 

And so he does.  Dickie becomes yet another version of Tom’s false self. Assuming Dickie’s identity more or less completely, Tom seems to have not a moment’s remorse or regret for having smashed his friend’s skull with an oar and, weighting the body down, pushing him overboard like an unwanted piece of luggage.  On the contrary, he feels an “ecstatic moment”, when travelling away from the scene of the crime, he thinks of Dickie’s money, the travel, the luxury, the beautiful clothes, freedom and pleasure that he can now enjoy.  He is completely confident in his cold-blooded planning.  Tom goes on to kill another young man who threatens his new identity as Dickie. Again he is remorseless and compassionless, murders Freddie brutally and disposes of the body with a little irritation at its heaviness but no feeling of shame or guilt.   Tom continues to enjoy Dickie’s stolen identity and lifestyle as the book progresses.  Despite brushes with the police and Dickie’s concerned family and friends, Tom evades capture with consummate grace and ease, and we see him on the last page bound for Crete and a life of luxury.  In his pocket is a grateful letter from Mr Greenleaf informing him that he has inherited Dickie’s trust fund and possessions.

 

Inside the Psychopath

 

Tom is a classic example of a psychopath.  We know that he was orphaned when he was very young, and raised by an unempathic aunt who treated him as an unpleasant burden.  Unable to feel any closeness with anyone, he is also incapable of warmth, love and empathy.  There simply is no true self in the psychopath.  The false self feels omnipotent, superb – ten foot tall and bullet-proof.  There often seems no vulnerability or shame at all.  Like an Olympic figure skater, the psychopath glides around the world using, abusing and even murdering people with no feelings whatever.  Tom is a total isolate, living almost completely in his imagination – occasional feelings of fear of entrapment lurk in the innermost recesses of his mind, but absolutely no remorse.  The usual history of the psychopathic personality is that there has been no consistency in the parenting.  Often lacking a stable loving background, the psychopath has been unable to take in any “good object” – in other words, the loving presence and encouragement of an involved caregiver has been absent, and so the child learns nothing about closeness, containment and intimacy.  Learning to rely on native wit, the psychopath is a survivor with an intense motivation to succeed.  Perhaps the most chilling passage in “The Talented Mr Ripley” is the description towards the end the book of Tom’s inner picture of killing Dickie’s girlfriend Marge.  His plan has almost reached its culminating point – he has managed to convince everyone and escape detection for his impersonation of Dickie and the two murders – when Marge discovers Dickie’s rings in a box and confronts Tom with them:

 

“He was holding the shoe in both hands in a position to use the wooden heel of it as a weapon. And how he would do it quickly went through his head: hit her with the shoe, then haul her out by the front door and drop her into the canal. He’d say she’d fallen, slipped on the moss.”

Patricia Highsmith: “The Talented Mr. Ripley”.

 

Mr Ripley and Patricia Highsmith

 

Patricia Highsmith’s intense connection with the character of Ripley has been a subject of fascination amongst critics and film directors.  When she was plotting the novel in 1954, she wrote:

 

“In Tom Ripley, I am showing the unequivocal triumph of evil over good, and rejoicing in it.  I shall make my readers rejoice in it too.  Thus the unconscious always proceeds the consciousness …”

She went on to write four other Ripley novels, and began to sign letters and dedications to friends as “Tom (Pat)” and “Pat H alias Ripley”. When “The Talented Mr Ripley” won the Edgar Allan Poe award in 1956, Pat altered the inscription on the certificate to read  “Mr Ripley and Patricia Highsmith”  - she later said she thought he deserved the honour as much as her – “I often had the feeling Ripley was writing it and I was merely typing,” she said.  In another incident, the artist Peter Thomson, a fellow resident of the Italian village of Positano, where Highsmith lived for a long time, remembers that she walked up to him and said “you remind me of Tom Ripley”.  He said it was as if she was speaking of someone she knew.  As Andrew Wilson says in his biography of Highsmith,  “Beautiful Shadow”:

 

“Knew him she did, for Ripley was an embodiment of her creative imagination at work, a representation of her unconscious and a shadowy symbol of her repressed, forbidden and occasionally quite violent desires.”

Andrew Wilson “Beautiful Shadow” Bloomsbury 2003.

 

Like Ripley, Patricia Highsmith had grown up as an unhappy and isolated child.  Nine days before her birth, her parents divorced.  Her mother remarried when Pat was 3, and the child never liked her stepfather.  Moving between Texas and New York, Pat’s mother was continually at odds with her second husband, and when Pat was 12, she was left with her grandmother in Fort Worth, while her mother and stepfather had yet another reconciliation.  She felt lonely and abandoned.  In her teens, she began writing her disturbing stories, shaping her unhappiness into words in a quest, as she later wrote “for order and security”.    These qualities were easier for her to find in books than in real life.  She was alienated and confused about her longings for same sex relationships. 

 

Fascinated by matters of good and evil, morality and immorality, Patricia Highsmith wrote some of the most disturbing fiction of the 20th century. 

“You’re sort of at sea in her books”, wrote her publisher Otto Penzler , “you don’t know who are the bad guys and who are the good guys, because there are no nice people.  Nobody’s nice, nobody’s good.”

 

There are many parallels between Patricia’s life as a writer and Ripley’s life of the imagination.  In his extreme inner isolation, Ripley invents, imagines scenarios, composes speeches and letters.  His assumption of Dickie’s identity can be compared with the vicarious lives that a writer such as Highsmith lives through her characters.  As Wilson says:

 

“When Ripley is forced to step back into his own self in the final chapter, he is, like a novelist who has fallen in love with her protagonist, utterly miserable.  After all, being oneself again was so boring after the excitement and drama of pretending to be another.”

Perhaps the thing that Patricia longed for was to express all the emotions she had been forced to repress.  Only then might she live, like Ripley, without shame in a universe which would allow her to escape recrimination and judgement, and take off, all alone, as he does, for an unencumbered life of luxury.

 

Heart of Stone

 

Sam Vaknin sees our fascination with evil and the amoral as having other facets.  Not just a feature of our repressed desires, evil has always been linked with power and status:

 

“A heart of stone lasts longer than its carnal counterpart”, writes Sam.

 

“Throughout human history, ferocity, mercilessness and lack of empathy have been extolled as virtues and enshrined in social institutions such as the army and the courts.”

 

Sam also sees it as a feature of our arousal/sensation seeking society  - we crave stories about deceivers and betrayers, murderers and rapists, the Hannibal Lecters, Joyti de Laureys and Tom Ripleys of the world  to “enliven our gossip, colour our drab routines and extract us from dreary existence – a little like collective self injury. Self-mutilators report that parting their flesh with razor blades makes them feel alive and reawakened.  In this synthetic universe of ours, evil and gore permit us to get in touch with real, raw, painful life.”

Perhaps we are also attracted to the “hard as nails” false self because we fear the pain of connecting with our vulnerable core.  One of the connections between the betrayers and deceivers, Joyti de Laurey and Tom Ripley, is that they both kept secret and hidden their vulnerable selves, and they were both incapable of any true closeness.  It is this vulnerable core that allows us to be involved in truly close and intimate relationships and to know the joy  - and anguish – of love. 

 

Kill Bill

 

In the virtuoso comic book films, “Kill Bill Volume 1” and “Kill Bill Volume 2”, the legendary film maker Quentin Tarantino tells the story of The Bride, aka Black Mamba aka Beatrix Kiddo aka Mommy.   Played by delicate blonde actress, Uma Thurman, the innocent, pregnant, fairy like bride becomes a samurai sword wielding, kung fu master.  She storms through the film slicing off arms and heads, ripping out eyeballs and hearts.  Although the reasons for her fury are complex, the main motive appears to be revenge.  She will kill Bill, her former partner, for all his acts of betrayal, not least of which involve beating her almost to death on her wedding day. 

 

Like one of The Furies in Greek mythology, the Bride is an avenging superhuman being who survives trauma and attack like a goddess.  The Furies had long hair made of snakes, and their eyes dripped with blood.  We see the Bride mangled, bleeding, dying and buried alive.  One of her aliases is Black Mamba – the most poisonous snake in the world.  Yet The Furies were not just rebellious women.  They fought for law and order and hounded criminals to their death.  So, the criminal Bill is hounded by the Bride.  We see her being schooled by the merciless and inhuman Kung Fu master Pai Mei.   His heart is decidedly one of stone, and he helps the Bride to forget Beatrix Kiddo, the child she once was, and turn her own heart into stone too.  She can cut through solid wood with her bare hand, burst out of sealed coffins, take on any adversary, gouge out eyes and slice off body parts without the least flicker of emotion.  She is able to avenge herself on all those who threaten her, until the finale, when, armed with sword and her stone heart, she tracks down Bill to his lair.

 

Instead of the sordid bar or trailer we expect, Bill’s lair turns out to be an elegant, ordered house in California where he has been concealing his secret weapon – a beautiful 4 year old child.  Bill is the little girl’s father and her mother is the Bride.  The Bride deserted her baby long ago.  A remarkably civilized and low key scene follows, during which the Bride, now Mommy, makes friends with her child, and Bill and Mommy both tend to her.  But Mommy still has to kill Daddy, because he deserves to die.  The final coup is the Mommy’s delivery of the “five point palm exploding heart technique”.  Touching five pressure points taught to her by Pai Mei, Mommy causes Bill’s heart to explode.  We must assume his heart has not been turned to stone.  They are both vulnerable human beings after all!  Mommy claims Baby, and, as the film ends, we see her lying on the floor, laughing and crying – overcome by all the emotion she had previously repressed.

 

The Power of Love

 

The couples that I see in the therapy room are all too often occupying that same battleground – albeit less dramatic – as Bill and Mommy.  Both feel betrayed by the other, both want revenge.  Very often there have been incidents of deceit, lying and concealing.  The “wounded partner” finds it impossible to forgive, blames the other unequivocally and feels compelled to stay in the lofty ground of unyielding righteousness.  The partner who has been guilty of deception often blames the other for a catalogue of faults and feel justified in the misdemeanours. Hurt is a danger zone, because to admit hurt is to become vulnerable, so the stone heart prevails. It seems to me that unless we can connect fully to our own humanity, our vulnerability and our fallibility, we will stay locked in the fight.  It is only when the Bride can accept the little girl that she has denied and abandoned that she can become a human being and not a Fury.  Love hurts, says the old song, but without love, we have nothing.  If we are incapable of intimacy and closeness, we live lives of emptiness and inner isolation.  The stone heart may last longer than its carnal counterpart, but like a marble statue, it is inanimate, cold and dead.



#3931 From: "Sam Vaknin" <palma@...>
Date: Fri Aug 19, 2005 2:32 pm
Subject: Dialogs about Narcissism and Abuse in Relationships (Part XI) - No. 61
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Thursday, February 27, 2005, Letter Eleven to Sam Vaknin from
Stephen McDonnell

A little Evil will go a long way or Frienemies
Dear Sam

As a well-known expert in personality disorders, I would like to
know where you would put 'toxic friend", also known as
the 'underminer', the 'frenemy', alias the friendly purveyor of
Schadenfreude? In one of the movies up for an Academy Award this
year, Sideways, there is a perfect depiction of one, the buddy who
greases the sidewalk under his friend's feet. Jane Greer, a New York
psychologist wrote a book called 'How Could You Do This To Me?'
labels them "a narcissistic personality who present as looking out
for you but who're really out for themselves." Sounds familiar? The
man or woman who is all smiles and good cheer, seductive and
complimentary, and then they say 'the most undermining thing' to
you, according to Mike Albo. He wrote "The Underminer or The Best
Friend who Casually Destroys Your Life", a book narrated by such a
character. In the animated movie "The Incredibles" he makes his
appearance once again as Mr. Underminer. They are ancient characters
who go way back to Ancient Greece, witness Theophrastus who wrote of
them in his work Characters.

I found the previous information in an article in the Boston Globe,
where Joseph P. Kahn writes how 'downers are up'. I believe that
Shakespeare immortalized the frienemy in his play Othello. Yago
spreads salacious gossip about Othello's wife. Moliere often uses
the undermining servant to upbraid the master in his plays. We
laugh - as we cry - because we know them well. They are the well
meaning friend, the pal who lets slip a confidence, the well
intentioned goody-goody two shoes who are part and parcel of our
lives. They view themselves as upright citizens out to help their
friends with 'honesty' when silence would be the better part of
valor. But a gossip thinks a word not said is a word wasted ­ not
understanding the African proverb that information is like water,
once it has been spilled on the sand, it can't be picked up. The
telling is the joy for the frienemy ­ they love to see the look on
the other person's face when they tell their juicy tidbit! Gossip
circles love to stir up a fuss - as long as they are not the target.
I remember one fellow who used to sneak into the men's room to lock
himself into a stall, stand on a toilette, and listen to what people
were saying so he could tell our boss!

On a sliding scale of one to ten, these people are minor annoyances
but given the chance they want to be big fish. They are the people
who Hannah Arndt said practice the 'banality of evil'. Most never
make it past standing on their local soapbox spouting their
theories, but they actually believe they can change the outcome of
other people's lives. I have heard the story of someone who gave a
friend a record of piano playing and it ruined his friend's interest
in playing the piano - he says. They give themselves too much
credit - but that doesn't stop them from trying. Like Sisyphus, they
keep pushing the rock of good intentions up the hill then let it
roll back onto to their friend's lives. They are why we have the
expression, 'with friends like these who needs enemies?'

Sam:

Wonderfully put (tongue firmly NOT in cheek). Frienemies! I love
this coinage!

"Who's the fairest of them all?" – asks the Bad Queen in the fairy
tale. Having provided the wrong answer, the mirror is smashed to
smithereens. Not a bad allegory for how the narcissist treats
his "friends".

Literature helps us grasp the intricate interactions between the
narcissist and members of his social circle.

Both Sherlock Holmes and Hercules Poirot, the world's most renowned
fiction detectives, are quintessential narcissists. Both are also
schizoids – they have few friends and are largely confined to their
homes, engaged in solitary activities. Both have fatuous, sluggish,
and anodyne sidekicks who slavishly cater to their whims and needs
and provide them with an adulating gallery – Holmes' Dr. Watson and
Poirot's poor Hastings.

Both Holmes and Poirot assiduously avoid the "competition" – equally
sharp minds who seek their company for a fertilising intellectual
exchange among equals. They feel threatened by the potential need to
admit to ignorance and confess to error. Both gumshoes are self-
sufficient and consider themselves peerless.

The Watsons and Hastings of this world provide the narcissist with
an obsequious, unthreatening, audience and with the kind of
unconditional and unthinking obedience that confirms to him his
omnipotence. They are sufficiently vacuous to make the narcissist
look sharp and omniscient – but not so asinine as to be instantly
discernible as such. They are the perfect backdrop, never likely to
attain centre stage and overshadow their master.

Moreover, both Holmes and Poirot sadistically – and often publicly –
taunt and humiliate their Sancho Panzas, explicitly chastising them
for being dim-witted. Narcissism and sadism are psychodynamic
cousins and both Watson and Hastings are perfect victims of abuse:
docile, understanding, malignantly optimistic, self-deluding, and
idolising.

Narcissists can't empathise or love and, therefore, have no friends.
The narcissist is one track minded. He is interested in securing
Narcissistic Supply from Narcissistic Supply Sources. He is not
interested in people as such. He is incapable of empathising, is a
solipsist, and recognises only himself as human. To the narcissist,
all others are three dimensional cartoons, tools and instruments in
the tedious and Sisyphean task of generating and consuming
Narcissistic Supply.

The narcissist over-values people (when they are judged to be
potential sources of such supply), uses them, devalues them (when no
longer able to supply him) and discards them nonchalantly. This
behaviour pattern tends to alienate and to distance people.

Gradually, the social circle of the narcissist dwindles (and
ultimately vanishes). People around him who are not turned off by
the ugly succession of his acts and attitudes – are rendered
desperate and fatigued by the turbulent nature of the narcissist's
life.

Those few still loyal to him, gradually abandon him because they can
no longer withstand and tolerate the ups and downs of his career,
his moods, his confrontations and conflicts with authority, his
chaotic financial state and the dissolution of his emotional
affairs. The narcissist is a human roller coaster – fun for a
limited time, nauseating in the long run.

This is the process of narcissistic confinement.

Anything which might – however remotely – endanger the availability,
or the quantity of the narcissist's Narcissistic Supply is excised.
The narcissist avoids certain situations (for instance: where he is
likely to encounter opposition, or criticism, or competition). He
refrains from certain activities and actions (which are incompatible
with his projected False Self). And he steers clear of people he
deems insufficiently amenable to his charms.

To avoid narcissistic injury, the narcissist employs a host of
Emotional Involvement Prevention Measures (EIPMs). He becomes rigid,
repetitive, predictable, boring, limits himself to "safe subjects"
(such as, endlessly, himself) and to "safe conduct", and often rages
hysterically (when confronted with unexpected situations or with the
slightest resistance to his preconceived course of action).

The narcissist's rage is not so much a reaction to offended
grandiosity as it is the outcome of panic. The narcissist maintains
a precarious balance, a mental house of cards, poised on a
precipice. His equilibrium is so delicate that anything and anyone
can upset it: a casual remark, a disagreement, a slight criticism, a
hint, or a fear.

The narcissist magnifies it all into monstrous, ominous,
proportions. To avoid these (not so imagined) threats – the
narcissist prefers to "stay at home". He limits his social
intercourse. He abstains from daring, trying, or venturing out. He
is crippled. This, indeed, is the very essence of the malignancy
that is at the heart of narcissism: the fear of flying.

Stephen:

In my life I have developed a moral Teflon (a la President Reagan)
that I use when I feel as if some one is trying to get their tender
hooks into me ­ the frienemy has a Velcro soul. If this makes me less
sympathetic so be it. As my mother used to tell me, 'burn me once
fooey on you, burn me twice fooey on me.' A wise woman told me that
when we not only see but also start avoiding the manholes in the
road of life, then we are wise. Ever so often we have to scrape off
the barnacles of frienemies who attach themselves to us. Life is not
hermetic, so in the social discourse we give and take, which is
normal. But when a vampire tick attaches themselves to you, in
whatever form, then you have to be careful. The best way is to apply
a lit match to their body and that will make them release their head
that is embedded in your skin. Without becoming cynical, I can
recognize true friendliness that is not exploitive.

Sam:

Back to pathological narcissism (I am afraid to veer too off
course...)

I compare Narcissistic Supply to drugs because of the almost
involuntary and always-unrestrained nature of the pursuit involved
in securing it. The narcissist is no better or worse (morally
speaking) than others. But he lacks the ability to empathise
precisely because he is obsessed with the maintenance of his
delicate inner balance through the (ever-increasing) consumption of
Narcissistic Supply.

The narcissist rates people around him according to whether they can
provide him with Narcissistic Supply or not. As far as the
narcissist is concerned, those who fail this simple test do not
exist. They are two-dimensional cartoon figures. Their feelings,
needs and fears are of no interest or importance.

Those identified as potential Sources of Narcissistic Supply are
then subjected to a meticulous examination and probing of the volume
and quality of the Narcissistic Supply that they are likely to
provide. The narcissist nurtures and cultivates these people. He
caters to their needs, desires, and wishes. He considers their
emotions. He encourages those aspects of their personality that are
likely to enhance their ability to provide him with his much needed
supply.

In this very restricted sense, he regards and treats them
as "human". This is be his way of "maintaining and servicing" his
Supply Sources. Needless to say that he loses any and all interest
in them and in their needs once he decides that they are no longer
able to supply him with what he needs: an audience, attention, and
witnessing his accomplishments and moments of glory (to serve as his
external memory). The same reaction is provoked by any behaviour
judged by the narcissist to be narcissistically injurious.

The narcissist coldly evaluates tragic circumstances. Will they
allow him to extract Narcissistic Supply from people affected by the
tragedy?

A narcissist, for instance, will give a helping hand, console,
guide, and encourage another person only if that person is
important, powerful, has access to other important or powerful
people, or to the media, or has a following - in other words, only
if the bereaved, one recovered, can provide the narcissist with
benefits or narcissistic supply.

The same applies if helping, consoling, guiding, or encouraging that
person is likely to win the narcissist applause, approval,
adoration, a following, or some other kind of Narcissist Supply from
on-lookers and witnesses to the interaction. The act of helping
another person must be documented and thus transformed into
narcissistic nourishment.

Otherwise the narcissist is not concerned or interested in the
problems and suffering of others. The narcissist has no time or
energy for anything, except for obtaining next narcissistic fix, NO
MATTER WHAT THE PRICE AND WHO IS TRAMPLED UPON.

Stephen:

Sam, I appreciated your comments on evil and morality in your last
answer to my letter. Let me reiterate the definition of harm done by
downers.

Half the harm that is done in this world is due to people who want
to feel important.
They don't mean to do harm - but the harm does not interest them.
Or they do not see it, or they justify it
Because they are absorbed in the endless struggle to think well of
themselves.

By T. S. Eliot

When you wrote, "Indeed, morality and possessing a moral sense are
not possible without empathy!" I felt we were in synch. Then you
wrote:

"The "Oxford Companion to Philosophy" (Oxford University Press,
1995) defines it thus: "The suffering which results from morally
wrong human choices."

To qualify as evil a person (Moral Agent) must meet these
requirements:

1.That he can and does consciously choose between the (morally)
right and wrong and constantly and consistently prefers the latter;
2.That he acts on his choice irrespective of the consequences to
himself and to others

Clearly, evil must be premeditated. Francis Hutcheson and Joseph
Butler argued that evil is a by-product of the pursuit of one's
interest or cause at the expense of other people's interests or
causes. But this ignores the critical element of conscious choice
among equally efficacious alternatives. Moreover, people often
pursue evil even when it jeopardizes their well-being and obstructs
their interests. Sadomasochists even relish this orgy of mutual
assured destruction."

And you found the The Encyclopaedia Britannica (1999 edition)
definition of empathy as:

"The ability to imagine oneself in anther's place and understand the
other's feelings, desires, ideas, and actions. It is a term coined
in the early 20th century, equivalent to the German EinfΈhlung and
modeled on "sympathy." The term is used with special (but not
exclusive) reference to aesthetic experience. The most obvious
example, perhaps, is that of the actor or singer who genuinely feels
the part he is performing. With other works of art, a spectator may,
by a kind of introjection, feel himself involved in what he observes
or contemplates. The use of empathy is an important part of the
counseling technique developed by the American psychologist Carl
Rogers."

(continued below)

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My own experiences

In my class a psychiatrist told us that to treat the mentally ill
one has to have compassion. To have compassion you must feel empathy
and for those who suffer from personality disorders this is
difficult if not impossible because they have to put themselves in
another's shoes (theory of mind). A student said he looked at life
choices as a balance sheet of good and bad outcomes, where the
bottom line influenced the decision-making. I feel that these two
views are diametrically opposed. In many cases the financial
outcomes may outweigh the moral decisions that we should make as
human beings. Slavery was one of the choices made based on economic
outcomes, as is our love of the internal combustion engine and
resulting pollution. If we take someone and turn him or her into a
commodity ­ an object ­ then we no longer have a balanced standard to
judge. If the bottom line of a company counts more than the people
working in the company, then the stockholders are the winners, and
the jobs will go elsewhere. Ultimately the companies will be foreign
owned with foreign workers, and the stockholders may lose their
controlling interest to foreign stockholders. I wonder if economics
has any morality?

The objectification of a person or of a world - put company in their
place- has led us to where were we are now. When Professor David
Suzuki gave a lecture to the intellectual elite of the United
States, where I was a bystander, he elucidated the problems facing
humankind. He came to the conclusion that the study of the brain and
why it makes decisions would be the factor that would save or doom
us. If we do not understand the wellspring of our decisions then we
are no longer masters of our ship - we are like the captain of the
Titanic. Why would the most powerful country in the world, under
president Ronald Reagan, embark on a self gutting of resources and
embrace some lame brain theory of trickle down economics? The net
result of this policy is that there are richer people in the United
States, and that most of the manufacturing jobs are being
outsourced. The trickle down effect was to encourage third world
countries to improve their education and skills, so they could
obtain contracts for manufacturing, while the funding for education
in the United States has languished. The near sighted and self-
serving policies of Republican administrations (as well as
Democratic ones) have resulted in a country that is fat and happy
and waiting to be butchered by leaner hungrier and smarter wolves.
What does this have to do with evil? You may ask.

If we only look at the surface, therefore reacting to perceptions
and not to facts, then we will be lured by the Pied Pipers of fast
profit, forgetting how the piper was paid in the fairy tale. Evil
thinks it can get away with anything. I will give you an example of
Evil on a major scale.

In one of my alternative lives, I was a TV news cameraman in
Lafayette, Louisiana, learning all about human foibles and follies.
Once I was elected - no other camera man wanted the job - to go on a
shoot where they had busted a huge swingers club and I looked a
table full of photographs of naked bodies in all sorts of positions.
People like to document their madness. So it was not a surprise to
learn of a murder trial where the victim was not dead. No, she had
been awarded a death sentence because she had been infected with HIV
and Hepatitis C viruses. She had no idea where or how she was
infected other than blaming her former lover, the doctor in
question. Now he swore he was blameless. On TV he came across as a
well-groomed and manicured physician of the highest repute, married
and all. He also struck me as arrogant, lacking compassion. I wonder
if those who want to be physicians, or psychiatrists, are sometimes
mentally sick and really want to control and hurt other people?

Janice Trahan reported that her ex lover showed up one night to
inject her with vitamin B-12. In the court proceedings, the samples
of HIV were sent to be analyzed. The genetic imprint lead to the
possible conclusion of deliberate infection, collaborative evidence
showed that another one of Dr. Schmidt's patients also had Hepatitis
C. The good doctor, in his arrogance, had kept the records for both
the HIV and Hepatitis C patients ­ like medical pornography ­ and thus
sealed his fate. Phylogenetics saved the day. Here is more:

Evolutionary biology to the rescue: uncovering a physician's
biowarfare against his mistress

Molecular epidemiology is the science of figuring out the source of
infectious agents by using their DNA (genome) sequences. If you were
unlucky enough to get infected with hepatitis B, molecular
epidemiology might help you figure out who gave it to you ­ a person
with whom you had a sexual encounter? a blood donor? a medical tech?
someone else? These methods are often studies in (short-term)
evolution, because the DNA sequences of the virus or bacterium
infecting you will no longer necessarily be the same as the DNA
sequences of the virus in the person who gave it to you. A Darwinian
tree showing the relatedness among different viral isolates allows
you to make inferences about where your virus came from.

A sensational case of HIV molecular epidemiology led to a criminal
case in Lafayette, Louisiana. A physician was accused of injecting
his former mistress with blood containing HIV. He had been giving
her vitamin B injections (to boost her sex drive), and it was
supposedly the final injection in August of 1994 that contained the
blood with HIV ­ just before this injection, she had indicated that
she was terminating their relationship. When the woman was diagnosed
with HIV and hepatitis C in December, 1994, she suspected the
physician's injection as the source; at the time of a blood donation
in April, 1994, she had been negative for both viruses. This case
was unusual in that the person infecting the woman (the physician)
was not himself infected, so it was necessary both to locate the
patient whose HIV infected the woman and to demonstrate that the
physician had access to this patient's blood. Records were
discovered in the physician's office indicating that blood had been
drawn from two patients during the week in question; one patient was
previously known to be HIV+ and the other positive for hepatitis-C.
Phylogenetic analyses (Darwinian "trees" of the virus sequences)
showed that the HIV sequences of the ex-mistress clustered within
those of the patient with HIV, supporting her story (State of
Louisiana Criminal Dockett # 96CR73313, D. Hillis, personal
communication). The physician was convicted of attempted second-
degree murder and sentenced to a 50 y term in prison in this first
use of phylogenetics in U.S. criminal court.

From:

http://www.utexas.edu/courses/bio301d/Topics/HIV/Text.html

The doctor appealed his verdict to the state supreme court and this
was the verdict in 30 page pdf file:

http://web.ask.com/redir?u=http%3a%2f%2fwww.denverda.org%
2flegalResource%2fschmidt2000.PDF

My comments on this

Can we label this as 'evil'? I think most sane people would. In the
Bible Luke 2:23 it says, "Doctor, heal thyself." Perhaps we should
say to the evil, cure thyselves? What if they know not what they do?

They do evil and wicked deeds but like the Pharisees, they are think
themselves innocent and powerful, sitting in the front pews, like
ducks in a row, smug and almighty, fearing no god, or God, then how
can we cure them? Are they like Gyroscopes that keep on their paths,
never wavering from their truth? How many truths are there, you may
well ask? How many people are there on the earth? And in each brain
how many different possible truths? An infinite number! How many
will come out and claim victory? The loudest one, the one that
repeats itself over and over? Certainly the National Socialists took
this route, as have many before and after. Keep repeating the same
thing and maybe your audience will be broken into believing it, if
no other voices speak out. Of course, people will ask uncomfortable
questions, maybe these are like Jesus' parables, obscure and
difficult to understand. Maybe a question will be like a stone in a
shoe, hurting the walker to the point where their gait changes,
likewise their thinking? The Irish have a prayer to God that asks
Him to punish their enemies, or at least make them limp to identify
them.

To paraphrase Shakespeare, "What is in a name, that you call evil by
another name, would it stink the same?"

That evil exists in our world is a given. That evil men and women
are evil is sadly true, but what breaks one's heart is that evil
needs a few people who let it go by, ignore it, and refuse to see it
or label it as such out of self interest or ignorance. Hitler came
to power carried on the shoulders of the German people because he
embodied their blood lust and violence as a vengeful hero. Evil
needs the company of the fear full masses. Good deeds are done by
the solitary brave soul who confronts the dragon. But what if the
damsel in distress is in cahoots with the dragon?

As to your comment:

There was one man who dedicated his life, both figuratively and
literally, to the study of narcissism as the moral future of
mankind. His name was Friedrich Nietzsche.

Friedrich Nietzsche 's uberman of smacks of the NPD, doesn't it?
Certainly the National Socialists thought so, they embraced his
ideas and see what they did...

Sam:

Is there any necessary connection between our actions and the
happiness of others? Disregarding for a moment the murkiness of the
definitions of "actions" in philosophical literature - two types of
answers were hitherto provided.

Sentient Beings (referred to, in this essay, as "Humans"
or "persons") seem either to limit each other - or to enhance each
other's actions. Mutual limitation is, for instance, evident in game
theory. It deals with decision outcomes when all the
rational "players" are fully aware of both the outcomes of their
actions and of what they prefer these outcomes to be. They are also
fully informed about the other players: they know that they are
rational, too, for instance. This, of course, is a very farfetched
idealization. A state of unbounded information is nowhere and never
to be found. Still, in most cases, the players settle down to one of
the Nash equilibria solutions. Their actions are constrained by the
existence of the others.

The "Hidden Hand" of Adam Smith (which, among other things, benignly
and optimally regulates the market and the price mechanisms) - is
also a "mutually limiting" model. Numerous single participants
strive to maximize their (economic and financial) outcomes - and end
up merely optimizing them. The reason lies in the existence of
others within the "market". Again, they are constrained by other
people's motivations, priorities ands, above all, actions.

All the consequentialist theories of ethics deal with mutual
enhancement. This is especially true of the Utilitarian variety.
Acts (whether judged individually or in conformity to a set of
rules) are moral, if their outcome increases utility (also known as
happiness or pleasure). They are morally obligatory if they maximize
utility and no alternative course of action can do so. Other
versions talk about an "increase" in utility rather than its
maximization. Still, the principle is simple: for an act to be
judged "moral, ethical, virtuous, or good" - it must influence
others in a way which will "enhance" and increase their happiness.

The flaws in all the above answers are evident and have been
explored at length in the literature. The assumptions are dubious
(fully informed participants, rationality in decision making and in
prioritizing the outcomes, etc.). All the answers are instrumental
and quantitative: they strive to offer a moral measuring rod.
An "increase" entails the measurement of two states: before and
after the act. Moreover, it demands full knowledge of the world and
a type of knowledge so intimate, so private - that it is not even
sure that the players themselves have conscious access to it. Who
goes around equipped with an exhaustive list of his priorities and
another list of all the possible outcomes of all the acts that he
may commit?

But there is another, basic flaw: these answers are descriptive,
observational, phenomenological in the restrictive sense of these
words. The motives, the drives, the urges, the whole psychological
landscape behind the act are deemed irrelevant. The only thing
relevant is the increase in utility/happiness. If the latter is
achieved - the former might as well not have existed. A computer,
which increases happiness is morally equivalent to a person who
achieves a quantitatively similar effect. Even worse: two persons
acting out of different motives (one malicious and one benevolent)
will be judged to be morally equivalent if their acts were to
increase happiness similarly.

But, in life, an increase in utility or happiness or pleasure is
CONDITIONED upon, is the RESULT of the motives behind the acts that
led to it. Put differently: the utility functions of two acts depend
decisively on the motivation, drive, or urge behind them. The
process, which leads to the act is an inseparable part of the act
and of its outcomes, including the outcomes in terms of the
subsequent increase in utility or happiness. We can safely
distinguish the "utility contaminated" act from the "utility pure
(or ideal)" act.

If a person does something which is supposed to increase the overall
utility - but does so in order to increase his own utility more than
the expected average utility increase - the resulting increase will
be lower. The maximum utility increase is achieved overall when the
actor forgoes all increase in his personal utility. It seems that
there is a constant of utility increase and a conservation law
pertaining to it. So that a disproportionate increase in one's
personal utility translates into a decrease in the overall average
utility. It is not a zero sum game because of the infiniteness of
the potential increase - but the rules of distribution of the
utility added after the act, seem to dictate an averaging of the
increase in order to maximize the result.

The same pitfalls await these observations as did the previous ones.
The players must be in the possession of full information at least
regarding the motivation of the other players. "Why is he doing
this?" and "why did he do what he did?" are not questions confined
to the criminal courts. We all want to understand the "why's" of
actions long before we engage in utilitarian calculations of
increased utility. This also seems to be the source of many an
emotional reaction concerning human actions. We are envious because
we think that the utility increase was unevenly divided (when
adjusted for efforts invested and for the prevailing cultural
mores). We suspect outcomes that are "too good to be true".
Actually, this very sentence proves my point: that even if something
produces an increase in overall happiness it will be considered
morally dubious if the motivation behind it remains unclear or seems
to be irrational or culturally deviant.

Two types of information are, therefore, always needed: one
(discussed above) concerns the motives of the main protagonists, the
act-ors. The second type relates to the world. Full knowledge about
the world is also a necessity: the causal chains (actions lead to
outcomes), what increases the overall utility or happiness and for
whom, etc. To assume that all the participants in an interaction
possess this tremendous amount of information is an idealization
(used also in modern theories of economy), should be regarded as
such and not be confused with reality in which people approximate,
estimate, extrapolate and evaluate based on a much more limited
knowledge.

Two examples come to mind:

Aristotle described the "Great Soul". It is a virtuous agent (actor,
player) that judges himself to be possessed of a great soul (in a
self-referential evaluative disposition). He has the right measure
of his worth and he courts the appreciation of his peers (but not of
his inferiors) which he believes that he deserves by virtue of being
virtuous. He has a dignity of demeanour, which is also very self-
conscious. He is, in short, magnanimous (for instance, he forgives
his enemies their offences). He seems to be the classical case of a
happiness-increasing agent - but he is not. And the reason that he
fails in qualifying as such is that his motives are suspect. Does he
refrain from assaulting his enemies because of charity and
generosity of spirit - or because it is likely to dent his
pomposity? It is sufficient that a POSSIBLE different motive exist -
to ruin the utilitarian outcome.

Adam Smith, on the other hand, adopted the spectator theory of his
teacher Francis Hutcheson. The morally good is a euphemism. It is
really the name provided to the pleasure, which a spectator derives
from seeing a virtue in action. Smith added that the reason for this
emotion is the similarity between the virtue observed in the agent
and the virtue possessed by the observer. It is of a moral nature
because of the object involved: the agent tries to consciously
conform to standards of behaviour which will not harm the innocent,
while, simultaneously benefiting himself, his family and his
friends. This, in turn, will benefit society as a whole. Such a
person is likely to be grateful to his benefactors and sustain the
chain of virtue by reciprocating. The chain of good will, thus,
endlessly multiply.

Even here, we see that the question of motive and psychology is of
utmost importance. WHY is the agent doing what he is doing? Does he
really conform to society's standards INTERNALLY? Is he GRATEFUL to
his benefactors? Does he WISH to benefit his friends? These are all
questions answerable only in the realm of the mind. Really, they are
not answerable at all.

Back to friendship:

What are friends for and how can a friendship be tested? By behaving
altruistically, would be the most common answer and by sacrificing
one's interests in favour of one's friends. Friendship implies the
converse of egoism, both psychologically and ethically. But then we
say that the dog is "man's best friend". After all, it is
characterized by unconditional love, by unselfish behaviour, by
sacrifice, when necessary. Isn't this the epitome of friendship?
Apparently not. On the one hand, the dog's friendship seems to be
unaffected by long term calculations of personal benefit. But that
is not to say that it is not affected by calculations of a short-
term nature. The owner, after all, looks after the dog and is the
source of its subsistence and security. People – and dogs – have
been known to have sacrificed their lives for less. The dog is
selfish – it clings and protects what it regards to be its territory
and its property (including – and especially so - the owner). Thus,
the first condition, seemingly not satisfied by canine attachment is
that it be reasonably unselfish.

There are, however, more important conditions:

For a real friendship to exist – at least one of the friends must be
a conscious and intelligent entity, possessed of mental states. It
can be an individual, or a collective of individuals, but in both
cases this requirement will similarly apply.
There must be a minimal level of identical mental states between the
terms of the equation of friendship. A human being cannot be friends
with a tree (at least not in the fullest sense of the word).
The behaviour must not be deterministic, lest it be interpreted as
instinct driven. A conscious choice must be involved. This is a very
surprising conclusion: the more "reliable", the more "predictable" –
the less appreciated. Someone who reacts identically to similar
situations, without dedicating a first, let alone a second thought
to it – his acts would be depreciated as "automatic responses".
For a pattern of behaviour to be described as "friendship", these
four conditions must be met: diminished egoism, conscious and
intelligent agents, identical mental states (allowing for the
communication of the friendship) and non-deterministic behaviour,
the result of constant decision making.

A friendship can be – and often is – tested in view of these
criteria. There is a paradox underlying the very notion of testing a
friendship. A real friend would never test his friend's commitment
and allegiance. Anyone who puts his friend to a test (deliberately)
would hardly qualify as a friend himself. But circumstances can put
ALL the members of a friendship, all the individuals (two or more)
in the "collective" to a test of friendship. Financial hardship
encountered by someone would surely oblige his friends to assist
him – even if he himself did not take the initiative and explicitly
asked them to do so. It is life that tests the resilience and
strength and depth of true friendships – not the friends themselves.

In all the discussions of egoism versus altruism – confusion between
self-interest and self-welfare prevails. A person may be urged on to
act by his self-interest, which might be detrimental to his (long-
term) self-welfare. Some behaviours and actions can satisfy short-
term desires, urges, wishes (in short: self-interest) – and yet be
self- destructive or otherwise adversely effect the individual's
future welfare. (Psychological) Egoism should, therefore, be re-
defined as the active pursuit of self- welfare, not of self-
interest. Only when the person caters, in a balanced manner, to both
his present (self-interest) and his future (self-welfare) interests –
  can we call him an egoist. Otherwise, if he caters only to his
immediate self-interest, seeks to fulfil his desires and disregards
the future costs of his behaviour – he is an animal, not an egoist.

Joseph Butler separated the main (motivating) desire from the desire
that is self- interest. The latter cannot exist without the former.
A person is hungry and this is his desire. His self-interest is,
therefore, to eat. But the hunger is directed at eating – not at
fulfilling self-interests. Thus, hunger generates self-interest (to
eat) but its object is eating. Self-interest is a second order
desire that aims to satisfy first order desires (which can also
motivate us directly).

This subtle distinction can be applied to disinterested behaviours,
acts, which seem to lack a clear self-interest or even a first order
desire. Consider why do people contribute to humanitarian causes?
There is no self-interest here, even if we account for the global
picture (with every possible future event in the life of the
contributor). No rich American is likely to find himself starving in
Somalia, the target of one such humanitarian aid mission.

But even here the Butler model can be validated. The first order
desire of the donator is to avoid anxiety feelings generated by a
cognitive dissonance. In the process of socialization we are all
exposed to altruistic messages. They are internalized by us (some
even to the extent of forming part of the almighty superego, the
conscience). In parallel, we assimilate the punishment inflicted
upon members of society who are not "social" enough, unwilling to
contribute beyond that which is required to satisfy their self
interest, selfish or egoistic, non-conformist, "too"
individualistic, "too" idiosyncratic or eccentric, etc. Completely
not being altruistic is "bad" and as such calls for "punishment".
This no longer is an outside judgement, on a case by case basis,
with the penalty inflicted by an external moral authority. This
comes from the inside: the opprobrium and reproach, the guilt, the
punishment (read Kafka). Such impending punishment generates anxiety
whenever the person judges himself not to have been
altruistically "sufficient". It is to avoid this anxiety or to quell
it that a person engages in altruistic acts, the result of his
social conditioning. To use the Butler scheme: the first-degree
desire is to avoid the agonies of cognitive dissonance and the
resulting anxiety. This can be achieved by committing acts of
altruism. The second-degree desire is the self-interest to commit
altruistic acts in order to satisfy the first-degree desire. No one
engages in contributing to the poor because he wants them to be less
poor or in famine relief because he does not want others to starve.
People do these apparently selfless activities because they do not
want to experience that tormenting inner voice and to suffer the
acute anxiety, which accompanies it. Altruism is the name that we
give to successful indoctrination. The stronger the process of
socialization, the stricter the education, the more severely brought
up the individual, the grimmer and more constraining his superego –
the more of an altruist he is likely to be. Independent people who
really feel comfortable with their selves are less likely to exhibit
these behaviours.

This is the self-interest of society: altruism enhances the overall
level of welfare. It redistributes resources more equitably, it
tackles market failures more or less efficiently (progressive tax
systems are altruistic), it reduces social pressures and stabilizes
both individuals and society. Clearly, the self-interest of society
is to make its members limit the pursuit of their own self-interest?
There are many opinions and theories. They can be grouped into:

Those who see an inverse relation between the two: the more
satisfied the self interests of the individuals comprising a
society – the worse off that society will end up. What is meant
by "better off" is a different issue but at least the commonsense,
intuitive, meaning is clear and begs no explanation. Many religions
and strands of moral absolutism espouse this view.
Those who believe that the more satisfied the self-interests of the
individuals comprising a society – the better off this society will
end up. These are the "hidden hand" theories. Individuals, which
strive merely to maximize their utility, their happiness, their
returns (profits) – find themselves inadvertently engaged in a
colossal endeavour to better their society. This is mostly achieved
through the dual mechanisms of market and price. Adam Smith is an
example (and other schools of the dismal science).
Those who believe that a delicate balance must exist between the two
types of self-interest: the private and the public. While most
individuals will be unable to obtain the full satisfaction of their
self-interest – it is still conceivable that they will attain most
of it. On the other hand, society must not fully tread on
individuals' rights to self-fulfilment, wealth accumulation and the
pursuit of happiness. So, it must accept less than maximum
satisfaction of its self-interest. The optimal mix exists and is,
probably, of the minimax type. This is not a zero sum game and
society and the individuals comprising it can maximize their worst
outcomes.
The French have a saying: "Good bookkeeping – makes for a good
friendship". Self-interest, altruism and the interest of society at
large are not necessarily incompatible.

=======================================================
AUTHOR BIO:

Sam Vaknin ( http://samvak.tripod.com ) is the author of Malignant
Self Love - Narcissism Revisited and After the Rain - How the West
Lost the East. He served as a columnist for Global Politician,
Central Europe Review, PopMatters, Bellaonline, and eBookWeb, a
United Press International (UPI) Senior Business Correspondent, and
the editor of mental health and Central East Europe categories in
The Open Directory and Suite101.

Until recently, he served as the Economic Advisor to the Government
of Macedonia.

Visit Sam's Web site at http://samvak.tripod.com

============================================================


SIXTH EDITION From Barnes and Noble ($15 DISCOUNT)

http://barnesandnoble.bfast.com/booklink/click?ISBN=8023833847

Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited is now available from
Amazon Canada:

http://www.amazon.ca/exec/obidos/tg/detail/offer-listing/-
/8023833847/new/

And from Amazon.com:

http://s1.amazon.com/exec/varzea/ts/exchange-
glance/Y03Y0926269Y5731601
=============================================================

Links of Interest

The "Tainted Love (Love with a Narcissist)" iMix has been published
in the iTunes Music store at:

http://phobos.apple.com/WebObjects/MZStore.woa/wa/viewPublishedPlayli
st?id=449623

Echo's Reply

http://groups.msn.com/EchosReply

Holding the Mirror

http://www.angelfire.com/home/mirandashaw/index.html

How I Became a Narcissist

http://samvak.tripod.com/narcissist/
==============================================================

Refer journalists and editors to my media kit:

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/mediakit.html

BUY the NEW EDITION of my book - "Malignant Self Love - Narcissism
Revisited" ($12 DISCOUNT)

http://barnesandnoble.bfast.com/booklink/click?ISBN=8023833847

Other books about abusive relationships and how to cope with abusers

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/thebook.html

==============================

Abused? Stalked? Harassed? Victimized? Afraid? Confused? Need HELP?

Click on these links to purchase the PRINT BOOK and SIX E-BOOKS:

I. NEW EDITION! "Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited"
(January 2005)

PRINT EDITION

SIXTH EDITION From Barnes and Noble ($15 DISCOUNT)

http://barnesandnoble.bfast.com/booklink/click?ISBN=8023833847

From the Publisher (FIFTH edition + Exclusive BONUS PACK)

http://www.ccnow.com/cgi-local/cart.cgi?vaksam_MSL

New Editions of ALL ELECTRONIC BOOKS!!!

I. "Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited" (January 2005)

http://www.ccnow.com/cgi-local/cart.cgi?vaksam_MSL-EBOOK

II. NEW!!! "Toxic Relationships - Abuse and its Aftermath" (August
2005)

http://www.ccnow.com/cgi-local/cart.cgi?vaksam_ABUSE

III. "Pathological Narcissism FAQs" (January 2005)

http://www.ccnow.com/cgi-local/cart.cgi?vaksam_FAQS

IV. "The World of the Narcissist" (January 2005)

http://www.ccnow.com/cgi-local/cart.cgi?vaksam_ESSAY

V. "Excerpts from the Archives of the Narcissism List" (May 2004)

http://www.ccnow.com/cgi-local/cart.cgi?vaksam_EXCERPTS

VI. "Diary of a Narcissist" (August 2005)

http://www.ccnow.com/cgi-local/cart.cgi?vaksam_JOURNAL

VII. "The Narcissism Series" - (August 2005)

Six e-books regarding Pathological Narcissism, relationships with
abusive narcissists, and the Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).

http://www.ccnow.com/cgi-local/cart.cgi?vaksam_SERIES

Malignant Self Love, Toxic Relationships - and MORE!!!

http://www.suite101.com/bulletin.cfm/6514/10182

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/thebook.html

Free excerpts from the book are available here:

http://www.suite101.com/files/topics/6514/files/MSL2excerpts.rtf

The Narcissism Book of Quotes is available for free download here:

http://www.suite101.com/files/topics/6514/files/NPDQuotes.rtf

Have a safe and warm week!

Sam

#3930 From: "Sam Vaknin" <vaksam@...>
Date: Fri Aug 19, 2005 2:17 pm
Subject: Peter Warren on Wife-Beaters
vaksammt
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PETER WARREN
- Who is Warren

- Broadcaster
- Investigator
- Warren's Services
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SPECIALS
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PROGRAMMING
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LISTENERS
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CONTACT
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- If you have a story
--- "(for my eyes only")

Links and information about some of Warren's guests

Telephone numbers/names of books and authors, and/or websites, etc., etc., are posted here after air-time. For an archive of earlier program information, Click Here

Listener comments are welcome on the "Guestbook" page, along with suggestions for segments of upcoming programs. Plus, we have a special Listeners' Page for serious debate.

You can activate a recording of the Warren program by clicking on: http://www.CKNW.com and pulling up the audio archive...but only for one week after actual air-time....and, remember, the times on that website are Pacific time.

==========================================

 

August 20-21:

Wife killers' book: "Malignant Self Love -- Narcissism Revisited" by Sam Vaknin: samvak.tripod.com

 

August 13-14

Scams: any queries/comments to Bruce Bowie send to mail@... and they will be forwarded

Mortage Fraud insurance: Susan Leslie: 1.877.888.1153 or www.firstcanadiantitle.com

Charter.Constitution lawyer Julius Grey: 1.514.288.6180

August 6-7:

Chicken farming: Prof. Ian J.H. Duncan: iduncan@...

Canadian security: Prof. Howard Sapolsky: sapolsky@...

Commentary on Stephen Harper: http://thetyee.ca/Bios/Bill_Tieleman/

July 30-31:

Homolka address: http://www.whereiskarla.com

Scott Peterson on Canadian website: http://www.ccadp.org/scottpeterson.htm

Is Internet porn adultery ? Julian Young 250.592.6183

Mystery Worshipper: http://www.ship-of-fools.com/

 

July 23-24:

Domestic homicide: http://www.crvawc.ca/

Selling sex to kids: http://www.annickpress.com/ai/graydon.html

Drugs in curling: http://www.cces.ca/

Complaining preachers: http://www.clergyabuse.net

Lifetime alimony: lawyer Michael Warsh: mlwarsh@...

Branding lambs: http://www.sheepbreeders.ca/introduction.htm

American GST change: http://www.occ.on.ca/

July 16-17:

Family-law lawyer, re alimony decision from Supreme Court of Canada: Michael Warsh 250.758.2825

Sex-trade workers: immigration lawyer Richard Kurland: lexbase@...

Books, "Canada's Secret Commandoes: The Unauthorized Story of Joint Task Force Two" and "Shadow Wars: Special Forces In The New Battle Against Terrorism," both by David Pugliese http://www.espritdecorps.ca/new_page_173.htm

Stephen Harper picture: http://www.freedominion.ca/phpBB2/viewtopic.php?t=42318 (then scroll down)

Globalization

July 9-10:

Social Insurance Number queries: 1.800.206.7218

Lyme Disease: http://www.canlyme.com/bottom.html

Letters to Private Investigator Bruce Bowie: send to Warren, who then forwards them

Canadian Navy recruiting: http://www.recruiting.forces.gc.ca/engraph/home/index_e.aspx?bhcp=1

July 2-3:

Vampire murders: author Katherine Ramsland, books: "Piercing The Darkness -- Undercover With Vampires In America Today" and "The Science Of Vampires."

Inheritance and will problems: "The Family Fight: Planning To Avoid It" by Les Kotzer, a Canadian self-help book. Call 1.877.439.3999 (toll free) or visit www.familyfight.com or click on Warren website: www.peterwarren.ca and then click cover of the book on Page One. Tell operator you heard about this book on "Warren On The Weekend" and receive a two-for-one offer.

Canadian will kit: call 1.888.965.1500 (toll free) and receive a $10 discount when you tell them you heard about the plain-language kit: www.willkit.net

Books, "Invisible Darkness: The Horrifying Case Of Paul Bernardo And Karla Homolka" and "Karla: A Pact With The Devil," by Stephen Williams.

 

June 25-26:

Feds screwing Canadian Armed Forces re pensions: MP Peter Stoffer: http://sackvillenovascotia.ca/resources/peterstoffer.htm

Teen sex on The Internet: http://www.uoguelph.ca/atguelph/0503-23/profile.shtml

Minuteman civilians guards on the Canadian/U.S. border: http://www.minutemanhq.com or 1.248.840.6133 (orientation) or kfobbs@...

Bear attacks: book: BEAR ATTACKS: THE DEADLY TRUTH by James Gary Shelton (Shelton Productions)

June 18-19:

Buying a crummy house: Consumer Advocacy and Support for Homeowners (CASH) Society: www.cashsociety.net or 604.469.8539 or: Canadians For Properly Built Homes: www.canadiansforproperlybuilthomes.com or 613.596.2659

Two-tier health care: www.cma.ca

Book, "Winter On Diamond," by Soren Bondrup-Nielsen (Res Telluris Press) www.restelluris.ca

Ahenakew decision: Frank Dimant, B'nai Brith executive vice-president: www.jewishtribune.ca

Family therapist re cheating spouses: Jan Sutherland, 250.762.2525 or jsutherland@...

June 11-12:

Health-care debate: peckfordconsult@...

Internet registration: www.cira.ca or:1.800.285.0517

Scam Of The Month: send e-mails to Warren who then onpasses them to Bruce Bowie

Bill Clinton's link to the Canadian tainted-blood scandal: www.worldnetdaily.com then click Joseph Farah's columns and scoll down

Bank, credit union paybacks after pre-payment fees on mortgages paid off early: www.bankclassaction.ca

 

June 4-5:

Sex addiction: www.bellwood.ca

Health-care survey for Americans in Canada: 1.877.210.0030 (toll free)

Farms-on-spaceships: www.innovationcanada.ca

Behind The Lines book: www.warletters.com

May 28-29:

Doctor fighting for private clinics, e-mail: dr.chaoulli@...

Chrysler case: http://www.lexum.umontreal.ca/csc-scc/en/rec/htm/2005scc028.wpd.html

Cowboy poetry: www.albertacowboypoetry.com

May 21-22:

Bernardo/Homolka film: www.deadlythemovie.com

Belinda Stronach: www.turncoatbarbie.com

David Orchard: www.david orchard.com

Criminal backgrounds: www.pardonexperts.ca

Sinclair Stevens: www.bloc-harper.com

May 14-15:

Book, "Your Call Is Important To Us: The Truth About Bullshit," by Laura Penny (McClelland & Stewart; $22.99).

Canadian AIDS Society, Paul LaPierre: www.cndaids.ca

Anti child-porn: www.beyondborders.org

May 7-8:

Foreign-aid scandals: Patricia Adams: www.probeinternational.org

"Scam Of The Month" -- e-mail Warren who onpasses to Bruce Bowie

Child obesity: www.activehealthykids.ca

Prostitute killings: Carol-Lynn Strachan -- www.sextradeworkersofcanada.com

Battles about wills and inheritances: click The Family Fight, front page this website

How to beat high school and college exams: click The Professor's Secrets, front page this website

Book, "Manufacturing Victims" by Dr. Tana Dineen, what the psychology industry is doing to victims, click front page, this website

April 30-May 1:

Sex education: http://www.sieccan.org

Pay-As-You-Drive auto insurance: http://www.vtpi.org

Independent MP: http://www.chuckcadman-mp.com

Exam help: see cover page of this website, right hand side for a direct link to Prof. Bernie
Gaidosch.

Breast-screening machine problems: http://www.car.ca or 1.504.738.3111

Walk for breast cancer research: http://www.endcancer.ca

April 23-24:

Debate about cost of using educational materials from the internet:

Copyright: http://www.accesscopyright.ca/
Teachers: http://www.ctf-fce.ca/

Listener's AdScam site: http://www.renewcanada.ca/

April 16-17:

Book, "A Hand In The Water: The Many Lives Of Albert Walker," by Bill Schiller (Harper Collins) $29.95.

Neo-Nazi Wolfgang Droege gunned down in Toronto. Andrew Mitrovica, Walrus Magazine: http://www.walrusmagazine.ca/

Child-Porn Campaign: National Child Exploitation Co-Ordination Centre: http://www.rcmp.ca/factsheets/fact_ncecc_e.htm

April 9-10:

Mad-Cow conspiracy: Will Verboven: www.beefnews.com

U.S. mad at Canada re China policy: frontpagemag.com (click archives, click columnists)

MP Gary Lunn: re Gomery Inquiry: conservative.ca

Gas-pump prices: MJErvin.com

Red-flag domestic violence: Prof. Desmond Ellis

Scam Of The Month: e-mail Warren, who onpasses to Bruce Bowie

Multiculturalism: Lorrie Goldstein at The Toronto Sun: lorrie.goldstein@...

April 2-3:

Green Party (Jim Harris): http://www.greenparty.ca

Cell-'Phone Class Action: www.merchantlaw.com or tonymerchant@... or 1.888.567.7777

Citizens For A Canadian Republic (Tom Freda): http://www.canadian-republic.ca

March 26-27:

Identity theft: (RCMP):

http://www.rcmp-grc.gc.ca/scams/identity_e.htm

www.bccpa.org

Equifax Canada: 1-877.249.2705

TransUnion: 1-877.525.3823

Mad-Cow conspiracy: Judi MacLeod: www.canadafreepress.com

War resisters: Lee Zaslovsky: www.resisters.ca

Prostitutes: www.sextradeworkersofcanada.com

March 19-20:

Lyme Disease: www.canlyme.com

Elder abuse: www.onpea.org

Animal slaughter: www.humanefood.ca

Pay-day loan report: http://strategis.ic.gc.ca/epic/internet/inoca-bc.nsf/en/ca01472e.html

Endangered species: http://www.cosewic.gc.ca/eng/sct5/index_e.cfm

March 12-13:

VLT addictions, actor John Dunsworth (Mr. Lahey of Trailer Park Boys): 902.499.1625

"Nanny Abuse" in current edition of Walrus Magazine, article by Susan McLelland

"Scam Of The Month" with former RCMP Inspector Bruce Bowie. E-mail Warren who then forwards each message.

Jetsgo webpages: jetsgone.net or jetsgosucks.com

March 5-6:

Canada-U.S. relations: Michael Adams: www.penguin.ca/nf/Author/AuthorPage/0,,00_1000031920,00.html

Feb. 26-27:

Help with exams and tests: www.profsecrets.com or 1.877.439.3999 (mention you heard him on "Warren On The Weekend" and receive a free DVD.)

MP Carolyn Parrish: www.carolynparrish.parl.gc.ca/

Polling: www.angus-reid.com

Christian movie reviews, book "Above The Stars," by Keith Clemons (available at "Christian" book stores).

Feb. 19-20:

Book, "In Praise Of Slow," by Carl Honorι (Vintage Canada) $22. mmorcinek@randomhouse,com

Book, "Incorrigible" by Velma Demerson, Wilfred Laurier Press. $19.95

Elder abuse: www.onpea.org/Strategy/Resources/RegionalConsultants.htm

Family budgets: www.peoplepatternsconsulting.com/aboutus.htm

U.K. food products alert (leave loads of time for downloading): www.food.uk/sudanlist

Day-care debate: www.childcareadvocacy.ca or www.kidsfirstcanada.org

 

Feb. 12-13:

"Scam Of The Month" with former RCMP Inspector, now private investigator Bruce Bowie...send e-mail to Warren, who then forwards.

Charles & Camilla: www.monarchist.ca

Female bullying in the workplace: www.bestlaw.ca

Racist on $50 bill: www.ottawaxpress.ca

Bear poaching: wildlifeshelter.com

Drug alternative: www.ADHDinperspective.ca

"Joe and Mary Sixpack" -- Warren needs speakers in Quebec and Newfoundland.

Feb. 5-6:

Wrongly-convicted: www.aidwyc.org

Hockey playoffs for The Cup: www.freestanley.com

Small investor protection: www.sipa.to

Inheritance disputes: attorney/author Les Kotzer. Book: "Family Fight, Planning To Avoid It." Toll-free telephone order: 1.877.439.3999. Mention you heard Mr. Koetzer on "Warren On The Weekend" and receive two copies for the price of one. http://www.familyfight.com/

Ten Big Lies About Medicare: David DeHaas, Liskeard, Ont.

Same-sex marriage: cfsc@... ....and for national vote: www.marriagereferendum.ca

Jan. 29-30:

Evelyn Martens' defence fund: TD Bank 543 520 0701

Lawyers' letter to Stephen Harper re same-sex marriage:

Law Dean Patricia Hughes: lawdean@...

Jack Layton: http://ndp.ca/jacklayton/

Jan. 22-23:

Supporting gay marriage: http://www.united-church.ca
Opposing gay marriage: http://www.enshrinemarriage.ca

Reporting child-porn users: http://www.cybertip.ca

Do-not-call telemarketing: http://www.the-cma.org/

Awards for students: http://www.scholarshipscanada.com

Jan. 15-16:

Tom Freda, national director, Citizens For A Canadian Republic: www.canadian-republic.com

Book, "What I Learned From Frogs In Texas," www.jimcarroll.com

Anti-racism: richardwarman@...

 

Jan. 8-9:

Book, "The Devil And The Disappearing Sea" by Rob Ferguson (Raincoast Books) $39.95 or $20 (paperback)

Kevin McCann: www.fairdealfornewfoundland.com

Bill Belsey: www.bullying.org

"Scam Of The Month" with Bruce Bowie (see "Warren Recommends") or send e-mail to Warren who on-passes to Mr. Bowie.

Jan. 2, 2005:

Tim Ball, climatologist: timothyball@...

Book, "Canada's Arctic Sovereignty" self-published (Heritage House) by Allan Macnutt, $23.95

 

 


Peter Warren,
Peter Warren Investigative Journalism Inc.,
6-1030 Hulford St.,
Victoria, B.C. Canada, V8X 3B6
Phone: 250-380-7945 / Fax: 250-380-4672
E-Mail: mail@...


#3929 From: "Sam Vaknin" <vaksam@...>
Date: Thu Aug 18, 2005 1:46 pm
Subject: NEW! Narcissistic Abusers in Relationships
vaksammt
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NEW! Narcissistic Abusers in Relationships - updated daily!

http://360.yahoo.com/vaksam

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