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From: "Sam Vaknin, author of Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited" <vaksam@...>
Reply-To: "Sam Vaknin, author of Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited" <samvaknin@...>
Subject: Rules of the Wronged
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Narcissistic Personality Disorder Tips - Narcissism, Pathological Narcissis=
m, The Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), the Narcissist, and Relatio=
nships with Abusive Narcissists and Psychopaths
http://samvak.tripod.com/npdtips.html=20
Coping with Your Abuser
http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse3.html
=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=
=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/07/01/opinion/01dowd.html?th&emc=3Dth
Op-Ed Columnist
Rules of the Wronged=20
By MAUREEN DOWD
Published: June 30, 2009=20
WASHINGTON
Skip to next paragraph=20
=20
Fred R. Conrad/The New York Times
Maureen Dowd=20
Go to Columnist Page =BB=20
Related
Times Topics: Mark Sanford | John Edwards
Stay focused, ladies. Here is The Practical Guide to Help Spurned Political=
Wives Survive Old Problems in the Era of New Technology.
1. Skip the press conference, especially when your husband is copping to ca=
ll girls, gay pickups in airport bathrooms or =93tragic=94 and =93forbidden=
=94 telenovela-style love stories. Stoicism at the skunk=92s side is overra=
ted and, as Larry Craig=92s wife learned, sunglasses don=92t help.
2. When there=92s an Associated Press bulletin quoting your husband saying =
that he has found his soul mate but he=92s going to try to fall back in lov=
e with you, change the locks. (At your second home, too.)
3. If you can=92t maintain a dignified Silda Spitzer silence; if you can=92=
t find a girlfriend, a shrink, a personal trainer, a hairdresser or a yoga =
teacher to confide in; if you must unburden yourself of your fury about you=
r loser husband, go to Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton or even Deepak Chopra bef=
ore crying to The A.P. A news wire is not a spiritual adviser.
4. When your husband turns into a Harlequin romance, babbling to The A.P. =
=97 yes, even The A.P. thought it was T.M.I. =97 about a magical encounter =
on an open-air dance floor in Uruguay, =93a soul that touches yours in a wa=
y that no one=92s ever has,=94 and the =93left brain and right brain=94 com=
partmentalization of =93the world of ideas that impact this country and sta=
te=94 and =93the pursuit of happiness, whatever that is,=94 just beat it.
5. If you think the worst is over, it=92s probably only beginning. On Tuesd=
ay, after you thought Mark Sanford had already emoted and burbled more than=
any man in history, he volunteered to The A.P. (again!) that he had =93cro=
ssed lines=94 with a handful of women on trips out of the country, but only=
=93crossed the ultimate line=94 with his enchanting Maria. And just when y=
ou thought John Edwards could not sink any lower, there is news of a sex ta=
pe, in which Rielle Hunter shows off her skills not only in videography but=
pornography.=20
6. No matter how revolting your husband=92s behavior is, don=92t be passive=
-aggressive in public. Refrain from making any remarks that have a veneer o=
f dignity but derogatory subtexts that sound like: =93We=92re trying to rec=
oncile but it=92s going to be tough because he has irreparably damaged my c=
hildren=94 or =93He has no integrity and I want my kids to have integrity=
=94 and =93Sure, I=92d like to give him a chance if he weren=92t such a sle=
azeball.=94
7. Don=92t bring the children into it. They suffer enough being the kids of=
politicians. In the era of Facebook, texting, Google and iPhones, calling =
him out as a bad father will just go viral in the kids=92 circles. Don=92t =
trot out the family on =93Oprah,=94 as Elizabeth Edwards did, or weepily sh=
ow The A.P. the report cards of your two oldest sons from their elite priva=
te school in Columbia, S.C., as Jenny Sanford did.
8. Even if you=92re a clever, competent woman, you risk sounding like a ste=
reotypical harridan if you use the kids as a bludgeon and tell the press, a=
s Jenny did: =93You would think that a father who didn=92t have contact wit=
h his children, if he wanted those children, he would toe the line a little=
bit.=94 When kids are involved, it=92s best to chill when dishing out reve=
nge.
9. Don=92t slam his girlfriend for lying when you know she=92s telling the =
truth. Don=92t refer to the baby your rival had with your husband as =93it.=
=94 Don=92t trash a mistress, as Hillary and Elizabeth did, as a wacky stal=
ker. No one =97 except the wife =97 blames the girlfriend as much as they b=
lame the husband. Besides, you invite The Other Woman=92s retaliation, as w=
hen Rielle decided =97 after watching Elizabeth spill to Oprah =97 that she=
might want that DNA test after all.
10. High-powered women like Hillary, Elizabeth and Jenny who give up their =
careers to focus on their husbands=92 ambitions feel doubly betrayed. But i=
t=92s not your husband=92s fault if you sacrifice more for the relationship=
than he does. Like an investor in a down market, you took a risk without a=
guarantee it would pay off. If you make your husband your career and you l=
ose your husband, you lose your career, too.
11. Cut your losses and keep going. Don=92t let yourself get dragged into h=
is drama or your reputation may follow his down the well. Hillary refused t=
o let that happen. She salvaged her long investment in Bill Clinton and tur=
ned a profit when she became a senator.
12. As you stay out of the spotlight that singes your husband, listen to wh=
atever messages he is sending you through the press. When your husband says=
that is a world-class love story, ask him what this is. Just don=92t do it=
through The A.P.
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<DIV><A href=3D"http://samvak.tripod.com/npdtips.html"><STRONG>Narcissistic=
=20
Personality Disorder Tips - Narcissism, Pathological Narcissism, The=20
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), the Narcissist, and Relationships =
with=20
Abusive Narcissists and Psychopaths</STRONG></A></DIV>
<DIV> </DIV>
<DIV><A=20
href=3D"http://samvak.tripod.com/npdtips.html">http://samvak.tripod.com/npd=
tips.html</A>=20
</DIV>
<DIV> </DIV>
<DIV><A href=3D"http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse3.html"><STRONG>Coping with Y=
our=20
Abuser</STRONG></A></DIV>
<DIV> </DIV>
<DIV><A=20
href=3D"http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse3.html">http://samvak.tripod.com/abus=
e3.html</A></DIV>
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<DIV> </DIV>
<DIV><A=20
href=3D"http://www.nytimes.com/2009/07/01/opinion/01dowd.html?th&emc=3D=
th">http://www.nytimes.com/2009/07/01/opinion/01dowd.html?th&emc=3Dth</=
A></DIV>
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<DIV>Op-Ed Columnist</NYT_KICKER>
<H1><NYT_HEADLINE version=3D"1.0" type=3D" ">Rules of the Wronged=20
</NYT_HEADLINE></H1>
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<DIV class=3DarticleTools>
<DIV class=3DtoolsContainer>
<DIV id=3DadxToolSponsor>By <A title=3D"More Articles by Maureen Dowd"=20
href=3D"http://topics.nytimes.com/top/opinion/editorialsandoped/oped/column=
ists/maureendowd/index.html?inline=3Dnyt-per"><FONT=20
color=3D#004276>MAUREEN DOWD</FONT></A></DIV></DIV></DIV></DIV></NYT_BYLINE=
>
<DIV class=3Dtimestamp>Published: June 30, 2009 </DIV>
<DIV id=3DarticleBody><!--NYT_INLINE_IMAGE_POSITION1 --><NYT_TEXT>
<P>WASHINGTON</P>
<DIV class=3DinlineLeft id=3DarticleInline>
<DIV id=3DinlineBox><A class=3DjumpLink=20
href=3D"http://www.nytimes.com/2009/07/01/opinion/01dowd.html?_r=3D1&th=
&emc=3Dth#secondParagraph"><FONT=20
color=3D#004276>Skip to next paragraph</FONT></A>=20
<DIV class=3Dimage><IMG height=3D240 alt=3D""=20
src=3D"http://graphics8.nytimes.com/images/2006/04/02/opinion/dowd-ts-190.j=
pg"=20
width=3D190 border=3D0>=20
<DIV class=3Dcredit>Fred R. Conrad/The New York Times</DIV>
<P class=3Dcaption>Maureen Dowd </P></DIV>
<DIV id=3DsectionPromo>
<DIV class=3Dstory><A class=3Dmore=20
href=3D"http://topics.nytimes.com/top/opinion/editorialsandoped/oped/column=
ists/maureendowd/index.html"><FONT=20
face=3DArial color=3D#004276 size=3D2>Go to Columnist Page =BB</FONT></A> <=
/DIV></DIV>
<DIV id=3DsidebarArticles>
<H4>Related</H4>
<H2>Times Topics: <A=20
href=3D"http://topics.nytimes.com/top/reference/timestopics/people/s/mark_s=
anford/index.html"><FONT=20
color=3D#004276>Mark Sanford</FONT></A> | <A=20
href=3D"http://topics.nytimes.com/top/reference/timestopics/people/e/john_e=
dwards/index.html"><FONT=20
color=3D#004276>John=20
Edwards</FONT></A></H2></DIV><!--Article Comments Include--></DIV></DIV><A=
=20
name=3DsecondParagraph></A>
<DIV class=3DinlineLeft id=3Dreaderscomment><FONT color=3D#004276></FONT></=
DIV>
<P>Stay focused, ladies. Here is The Practical Guide to Help Spurned Politi=
cal=20
Wives Survive Old Problems in the Era of New Technology.</P>
<P>1. Skip the press conference, especially when your husband is copping to=
call=20
girls, gay pickups in airport bathrooms or =93tragic=94 and =93forbidden=94=
=20
telenovela-style love stories. Stoicism at the skunk=92s side is overrated =
and, as=20
Larry Craig=92s wife learned, sunglasses don=92t help.</P>
<P>2. When there=92s an Associated Press bulletin quoting your husband sayi=
ng that=20
he has found his soul mate but he=92s going to try to fall back in love wit=
h you,=20
change the locks. (At your second home, too.)</P>
<P>3. If you can=92t maintain a dignified Silda Spitzer silence; if you can=
=92t find=20
a girlfriend, a shrink, a personal trainer, a hairdresser or a yoga teacher=
to=20
confide in; if you must unburden yourself of your fury about your loser hus=
band,=20
go to Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton or even Deepak Chopra before crying to The=
A.P.=20
A news wire is not a spiritual adviser.</P>
<P>4. When your husband turns into a Harlequin romance, babbling to The A.P=
. =97=20
yes, even The A.P. thought it was T.M.I. =97 about a magical encounter on a=
n=20
open-air dance floor in Uruguay, =93a soul that touches yours in a way that=
no=20
one=92s ever has,=94 and the =93left brain and right brain=94 compartmental=
ization of=20
=93the world of ideas that impact this country and state=94 and =93the purs=
uit of=20
happiness, whatever that is,=94 just beat it.</P>
<P>5. If you think the worst is over, it=92s probably only beginning. On Tu=
esday,=20
after you thought Mark Sanford had already emoted and burbled more than any=
man=20
in history, he volunteered to The A.P. (again!) that he had =93crossed line=
s=94 with=20
a handful of women on trips out of the country, but only =93crossed the ult=
imate=20
line=94 with his enchanting Maria. And just when you thought John Edwards c=
ould=20
not sink any lower, there is news of a sex tape, in which Rielle Hunter sho=
ws=20
off her skills not only in videography but pornography. </P>
<P>6. No matter how revolting your husband=92s behavior is, don=92t be=20
passive-aggressive in public. Refrain from making any remarks that have a v=
eneer=20
of dignity but derogatory subtexts that sound like: =93We=92re trying to re=
concile=20
but it=92s going to be tough because he has irreparably damaged my children=
=94 or=20
=93He has no integrity and I want my kids to have integrity=94 and =93Sure,=
I=92d like=20
to give him a chance if he weren=92t such a sleazeball.=94</P>
<P>7. Don=92t bring the children into it. They suffer enough being the kids=
of=20
politicians. In the era of Facebook, texting, Google and iPhones, calling h=
im=20
out as a bad father will just go viral in the kids=92 circles. Don=92t trot=
out the=20
family on =93Oprah,=94 as Elizabeth Edwards did, or weepily show The A.P. t=
he report=20
cards of your two oldest sons from their elite private school in Columbia, =
S.C.,=20
as Jenny Sanford did.</P>
<P>8. Even if you=92re a clever, competent woman, you risk sounding like a=
=20
stereotypical harridan if you use the kids as a bludgeon and tell the press=
, as=20
Jenny did: =93You would think that a father who didn=92t have contact with =
his=20
children, if he wanted those children, he would toe the line a little bit.=
=94 When=20
kids are involved, it=92s best to chill when dishing out revenge.</P>
<P>9. Don=92t slam his girlfriend for lying when you know she=92s telling t=
he truth.=20
Don=92t refer to the baby your rival had with your husband as =93it.=94 Don=
=92t trash a=20
mistress, as Hillary and Elizabeth did, as a wacky stalker. No one =97 exce=
pt the=20
wife =97 blames the girlfriend as much as they blame the husband. Besides, =
you=20
invite The Other Woman=92s retaliation, as when Rielle decided =97 after wa=
tching=20
Elizabeth spill to Oprah =97 that she might want that DNA test after all.</=
P>
<P>10. High-powered women like Hillary, Elizabeth and Jenny who give up the=
ir=20
careers to focus on their husbands=92 ambitions feel doubly betrayed. But i=
t=92s not=20
your husband=92s fault if you sacrifice more for the relationship than he d=
oes.=20
Like an investor in a down market, you took a risk without a guarantee it w=
ould=20
pay off. If you make your husband your career and you lose your husband, yo=
u=20
lose your career, too.</P>
<P>11. Cut your losses and keep going. Don=92t let yourself get dragged int=
o his=20
drama or your reputation may follow his down the well. Hillary refused to l=
et=20
that happen. She salvaged her long investment in Bill Clinton and turned a=
=20
profit when she became a senator.</P>
<P>12. As you stay out of the spotlight that singes your husband, listen to=
=20
whatever messages he is sending you through the press. When your husband sa=
ys=20
<SPAN class=3Ditalic><EM>that </EM></SPAN>is a world-class love story, ask =
him=20
what <SPAN class=3Ditalic><EM>this </EM></SPAN>is. Just don=92t do it throu=
gh The=20
A.P.</P><NYT_UPDATE_BOTTOM></NYT_UPDATE_BOTTOM></NYT_TEXT></DIV></DIV></BOD=
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"Sam Vaknin, author of Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited" <vaksam@...>
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