I really hear you. My life hasn't been like that, but as we speak, I'm going
through the longest dark night of the soul I can ever imagine. Nothing seems
right and nothing seems to work.
I suspect that when we are at this stage of the game, this place in time, we
need to start at the beginning of our questions and ask ourselves who we are.
It's so very hard to change, validate, discard, accept, love, choose and move
forward if we don't truly know who we are. I've been mulling that over in my
mind and thought I'd best sit down and write 25 things -- characteristics,
positive aspects, whatever you want to call 'em -- on a piece of paper and start
validating right where I am. Can you do that? Start simple. If you can't
think of all 25 at a sitting, just start with 1 or 2, leave the paper in a
central place and whenever you think of some quality you really like in
yourself, write it down. You'd be surprised. For example, I'm insightful,
empathic, compassionate and a good listener. Those traits can be used in the
universe for something I'm sure. This is a time to turn lead into gold.

I even think of things that put me in a good mood, like what kind of music I
like, or how I feel in a certain room. For example, I am my most comfortable in
a moss green room, with a comfortable chair & ottoman, water fountain and
Tibetan or flute music playing. That type of description doesn't necessarily
define me, but it does describe what I like and how I can raise my happiness
quotient if I can provide something like that for myself.

Acceptance is primarily with ourselves, so we must start inside ourselves. Try
it and see what you come up with. Share if you'd like...

vmproctor1969 <ashyra@...> wrote:
First I would like to say thank you for providing this group as an
outlet for those like myself who have stumbled across a very powerful
and overwhelming path to enlightenment.

In the video, Caroline asks what we want from God. For me, it's
acceptance and although the logical part of me says to just trust in
and accept the fact that God accepts me, everything in my nature
speaks differently because acceptance is the one thing I've needed
the worst throughout my life and had the least of.

Where a child usually becomes a product of their environment, I never
did and this was the very heart of my dysfunction with my family and
remains to be to this day. I was born a mystic and my differences
made me the black sheep. I grew up being told I was crazy and the
things that were happening to me weren't really happening, I was
overly sensative, not ambitious enough, incompetent and was
repeatedly told children were to be seen and not heard. For years I
was hurt and then I began to believe in it and I became angry. I did
somethings which I was sure angered God and the guilt ate at me for
years, totally convinced God was punishing me at every turn for a
mistake I could never undo, I drifted further and further away from
God. Heart breaks piled up, pain became increasingly unbearable and
one day I shattered and what I've managed to put back together feels
abstract and distorted. I am a hermit within my home, mentally
disabled, I have no true friends to speak of and a very limited
family. Even my eldest child has nothing to do with me. I feel
deeply ashamed of who I've become and of all my failures in life. I
feel unworthy of even a mortal man, much less God himself.

As I write this, I am reminded of Caroline saying the "I" is what
gets dismantled. I feel guilty for using the word and embarrassed
for admitting my struggle, but I have a major hurtle to get past
before I can begin to "feel completely surrounded by the love of
God".

How does one get beyond feeling unworthy and unforgivable?






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