--- In mpdspouses@yahoogroups.com, "C. J. Ryszkowski"
<parlorcitycommonsrat@...> wrote:
>
> I got an email from my husband this morning telling me he's been
> talking to somebody (lawyer?) about divorce paperwork... We've been
> separated for a year and a half now -- he left, much to my dismay --
> but I've maintained this hope that it wouldn't really come to
> this...
>
> Sometimes, he tells me to "hang in there," and the alters tell me
> that
> they can't hope to predict what decisions he'll make in the
> future...
> They've told me that things can always change, and not to give up
> hope... They have pleaded with me, sometimes even yelled at me, not
> to just give up and leave the state... One, quite menacingly,
> informed me that he had not spent as much time and energy as he had
> forming his family only to see me give up on it and disappear off to
> the opposite coast...
>
> But at the same time, we go for months without speaking. I send
> emails all the time, and I've tried calling a great number of times,
> and I seem to get only silence. He has a girlfriend (who treats him
> like slave labor and controls every move he makes, which includes
> expecting him not to speak with me), and he has encouraged me to
> feel
> free to date or "move on." We have talked about divorce, but I made
> it clear that I am still in love with him, and that I would only
> sign
> papers if it was truly what he wanted. After a year of not having
> mentioned it, I kind of thought maybe things would change
> somehow...
>
> This isn't a normal kind of "Dear Abby," problem. My husband isn't
> just "conflicted." It's not a matter of the two of us not getting
> along, because most of the time, we're the best of friends -- no
> fights, no arguments, no major disagreements. While we were living
> together, we had a wonderful relationship; the separation shocked
> me.
> I've tried to explain this to "supportive" people -- friends, even a
> therapist, and their resounding answer is that he's insane,
> manipulative, and controlling... But I honestly still think that
> most
> of these problems are a result of "parts" of him being steadfastly
> in
> love with me, and other "parts" being entirely resistant to (read:
> terrified of) real emotional intimacy. I promised this man that I
> would remain with him, in sickness and in health, and I meant that;
> I
> truly do love him. If he had cancer or was a paraplegic, I wouldn't
> give up on this marriage... He's not in therapy, and after a
> bazillion diagnoses that didn't fit, medication that didn't work,
> and
> rather insulting (and inaccurate) psychological evaluations of his
> character, it would be difficult if not impossible to persuade him
> to
> go back to therapy...
>
> I know I'm supposed to take care of myself first, make sure that *I*
> maintain what sanity I've got, but I don't know how I can possibly
> just give up hope on this marriage working out somehow... In the
> short time it was a real marriage, it was the best thing that ever
> happened to me... I want to make this work somehow... It's not
> especially helpful to hear other people (who are all too used
> to "singletons") tell me that he never loved me to begin with, he
> married me for all the wrong reasons, and that I'm deluding myself
> that he ever really cared at all... It doesn't help, of course,
> that
> nobody else has caught on that the sixty freaking nicknames he uses
> aren't just "nicknames," -- nobody believes me in the slightest that
> the man who married me is the "imaginary friend" (as I try to joke)
> of
> a very confused, very damaged, but very wonderful man... And of
> course, he's entirely unwilling to tell anybody the truth, so it
> often
> makes me look like the delusional one in the relationship... It
> looks
> like he simply left me for another woman. If it were as simple as
> that, I could have grieved for what I thought had been, and begun to
> move on. As it is, I have strong suspicions that a part of him (or
> several) want nothing more than to remain with me... I can't bear
> to
> just walk away from that... Still, talk of divorce is pretty
> straightforward... It's just that I still don't believe that
> they're
> all in agreement on this one, just as they were not all in agreement
> when he/they married me...
>
> In a strange twist (a <i>very</i> strange twist), I met another
> multiple and we became good friends and room-mates for a little
> while... He was in therapy as a young man in foster care, and had
> several therapists see him because none of them could figure out
> the "other part" of him that emerged during hypnotherapy, and no one
> could make sense of his pathological inconsistency and his
> reported "voices" and his sensation of being controlled by another
> part of his mind... (The therapists told him all this, but stopped
> short of diagnosing him officially, because they "didn't believe" in
> MPD...) This friend of mine is a remarkably talented psychic. I'm
> more skeptical about these things than most people, but he's
> predicted
> some astonishingly accurate things, even rudely announcing people's
> deepest (and entirely nonsensical) secret phobias... I've read
> about
> multiples being pretty good with things like that in some cases, and
> I've often "happened" to run into my husband in strange places, and
> then had him insist that he'd "called" me with his mind... In any
> case, this friend of mine insisted one evening that he wanted to
> move
> out of our apartment because "your husband is going to come back to
> you, and I don't want to get in the way of that." In nearly every
> other instance where he made predictions like that (especially those
> spontaneous ones), he's been dead on... A huge part of me would
> like
> to believe that he's right, but another part of me knows that this
> hoping, month after months, is hurting me terribly...
>
> I don't know if I'm so much looking for advice, although it would be
> welcomed if you have any... I think I'd just like a friend who
> believes me...
>
> I've got to go back to work... Just needed to get some thoughts
> out...
>
> By the way, is there any way to stop the rampant spammers from
> attacking this forum?
I hear your pain and frustration. You are not alone, that much you can
be sure of. My fiancee and I are living apart due to the strain
between her and her parts and my teen son, who was also abused in the
past. I have known she was DID for 3 yrs, but she was in denial. Over
the holidays,one of the alters got busted at work for identity theft
(how ironic) and has been convicted of 4 felony counts. Amazingly, the
judge ordered a psych eval and due to that, she was assigned a
theapist who works with abused women who dx her DID on the 2nd
session. Finally! Some help!
I've almost given up on her many times due to the pain of it all. i
can't advise you to leave or go, but it probably won't change until he
gets the real dx and a real therapist who knows how to treat him...

Regards,
Rick
OKC,OK
>