HI Elizabeth, I haven't posted here in eons but feeling restless
tonight and dropped in.

I'm on my second DID relationship (I'm the mono) and the feelings
your have shared sound a lot like the ones I had with my ex. We were
in a long distance relationship so I don't know if that made it
easier or harder. I do know I damn near lost my mind with all the
confusion and the constant turmoil. There were days that I would
just pace my house feeling drained of every ounce of who I had been.

Luckily for me I had started a DID yahoo group for not only SO's but
also survivors and there was a person who joined my group that was
DID as well and somehow her and I became online buddies. Through
that, I met one of her insiders who I am now connected at the heart
with. He was always there to listen and being a part of the DID he
tried to point out that it might have been a nobel gesture to try
and ride it out, but at the same time she was being mentally abusive
to me and should not be tolerated regardless of her mental state.

I was committed to this woman with everything I had. We were
planning a future together. Sadly though, her demons would not
release her through the 2 years we were together. There were a lot
of laughs and good times, however it was the down times that took
their toll on me and also her not trying to pull out of the tail
spin she was in.

Even though we weren't married I still had commited my heart to her
in much the same way you have with your husband and I'm not one to
easily walk away from the situation at hand. I never have been, but
one major factor for me was how many times they had said one day I
would walk out like all the rest.I had tried to reasure them I
wasn't like those in the past but the problem was I think they had
their mind made up to put me through whatever hell they could in
order to prove their point.

To this day I still feel a certain amount of guilt for finally
having to throw in the towel and deciding to walk away, but I would
be in a rubber room somewhere had I not got out. I could feel the
world around me, but it was like everywhere I went (or even at home)
I was behind some invisible wall that kept me from living. I hated
the world, the things I enjoyed doing prior to our relationship
meant absolutely nothing. Like you said, I was completely numb.At
the same time I held a LOT of hate for the people that had caused
the situation in the first place. They were only faces in pictures
and no longer living, yet there we were living the hell of their
selfish actions.

I think what really got me was that, when she realized I was having
to move on she drilled into my head that I had never loved them to
begin with! Gosh nooooo, I had cried for so long I had no more
tears. My mental state was barely hanging on by a thread. And all of
it was out of the love and dedication I had held for them, but they
denied it's existance. I knew much of what was taking place was
putting her in her own hell as well, but no matter what road I took
to try and pull her out of it, she would place a wall and sabotage
her life into bad situations.

As it turned out, I ended up with woman who had "rescued" me from
the hellish nightmare I was living and we are going on 2 years now.
She managed to help put myself back together so to speak. And I
couldn't have asked for a greater gift than the chance to be in her
life as I am. We do have problems over certain things, but NOTHING
close to what I went through the 2 years prior.

I'm sure it is so much harder for you since you have a daughter
that's in the picture and it's affecting her. I believe there are a
number of couples who have had similar challenges and they won the
battle, so yes it can be done. I hold on to that in this current
relationship at times. IMO it takes a lot of work on both sides and
the co-operation of the insiders as well to even begin having a
chance.

Even though communication is something I feel is important I know
that's not always something you can easily do with these
circumstances. I don't know if it would help you to try and back
away from the situation for awhile, stay somewhere else and try to
get back who you are, with the understanding that you need to set
some boundries and needs before coming back home. I'm fairly certain
you won't be of much help with anything, including your daughter if
you don't recover your own lost soul.

I wish you both good luck and you can email me anytime if you need
an ear to listen. Don't use the addy of this post, it is an old
one.....my current one is mor2_love@...

chris

--- In mpdspouses@yahoogroups.com, Elizabeth Heiby-Boteler
<cutewideeyedhobbitgirl@y...> wrote:
> To all who know have been there and done that:
>
> Lately I have felt sooooooo spiritually drained.
> The kind of drained that you feel like you have no
> spirit at all anymore. I feel numb and disconnected
> from myself. I have had suicidal thoughts almost
> constintly. Then I think of my daughter and everything
> calms down and mellows out but only for that brief
> moment in time. Then I think about my current
> situations with my husband and his mental problems
> (which have now slithered into my life)and are now
> impossing on and in my life. Making me become this
> person that I've NEVER in my life until now have
> become. Fully
> confused,irratated,irratable,angry,outraged,hateful,cruel,thoughts
> of being vindictive,etc. I am tired of us both feeling
> this and want to get rid of it but can't because since
> my husband and I are soulmates everything he feels and
> goes through I feel and go through with him. We are
> both in Hell and can't get out. Does anyone know what
> him and I are going through and how did any of you get
> through it and help your spouse?
>
> Sincerely,
> Elizabeth
>
>
>
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