Hi. I too have a SO who has been diagnosed as DID within the last
year. I can answer actually most of all your questions that you have
swimming around in your head. For I too have had them swimming in my
head. At least some of them any way. Let's brake your letter down so I
can answer them to the best of my knowledge and experiance in going
through watching and experiancing for myself hands on with my husband.

First I think a little background of my husbands mental background
will help you better understand my side of my daily life since I met
him. Without going into embarressing detail in sake of my husband and
his privacy.

My husband when I first met him was very messed up in his life. He
was going through a rough stage because he had been out of the prison
system for only a year. He left the state that he got in the trouble
and came here to make a better life for himself but the mental problem
that he has always had because of tramatic experiances made it worse
for him. When I met him though he wasn't as bad as he was when he was
in California. I had met him (you could say) in the nic of time. It
was just perfect for both of us to meet. I was blessed even to meet
him. When I started dating him I find more out about him. He was just
sweet (though at times quick to judge and with his mouth but none the
less I feel in love with him),caring and loving (deep down inside;I
don't think he really even realized he had that kind of side until he
met me), more in touch with his feelings around me than I think he's
ever done and realized before. I could tell that I was doing something
to him but I didn't know what until I found out about what had
happened to him. One night we sat in my car and he just felt it was
time to tell me. So as he told me I couldn't help but feel this rage
of anger for what had happened to him. I off and on at times still do.
More on then off. Any ways my husband had been brutely beaten when he
was a child as well as locked in closets and sometimes for days
starved. He was manipulated by the mind all his young childhood.
Starting at the age of 2. I still want to get his family back for what
they did to him. No one should have to go through that. No one. I
tried to deal with it and I don't think I ever will. When he moved
into my parents house before we moved up here to Indianapolis, Indiana
I had to make him eat. He wouldn't eat because of what had happened to
him. Sometimes he would go for days without eating while we were
dating. I am happy to say that I got his belly fattened up now. Not to
fattened but fattened none the less. He now eats normally. He started
after a year of living here in Indianapolis to start acting strange.
He was also talking in his sleep. Different languages and reciting
poems and singing songs in different languages. As well as talking a
lot in Latin. His family are Catholic. I started noticing it and at
first I just shrugged it off as just sleep talking in your sleep but
then I started noticing that it was more serious. I started hearing
full conversations to himself. Even though most were in a different
language some was in English. I then thought was if I see if I can
talk to him and see what happens. I freaked out when he started
talking back to me as though he was awake and having normal
conversation with me. I asked him the next day when he was awake if he
realized that he was talking in his sleep and that Ii asked him a few
questions and he answered me back in full sentences and actually
answered those questions. He said he had no clue that that had
happened at all. I then asked him if he has realized for days that he
has been talking in his sleep in different languages and he said no I
didn't know that. He shrugged it off as to think I was playing some
sort of a trick on him or something. I then decided to investagate
more into it. The more he talked in his sleep the more I got more
info. I then one day thought I wonder if there is something more going
on. It didn't seem just like harmless sleep talking. Besides when you
sleep talk you on some level know you doing it. So I decided to find
books on sleep talking,possession,and mental illnesses. All seperate
when I looked these things all up. I found out that my fear was
correct. He did have some sort of mental illness but most people would
just blow off what he has as demon possession. That's what some of his
Catholic family did. He was shunned by some of his family because of
it and they are the ones that made it all possible for him to have
these mental problems. When you read of demon possession you start
getting convinced that it's just that but it's not that it really is a
certain mental problem. I decided to have my husband(we were married
after awhile) go to a therapist and find out what he had. She didn't
automatically diagnose him as DID right away but she did get his
background of what other doctors he's seen have thought and then she
examine him and her thought was that it might be DID. She refired my
husband to a Phycitrist and he examined my husband and his first
visit he told my husband that he had all the systems of what was
called Dissociative Idenitiy Disorder but that wasn't the main problem
it was just a symtom off of the main problem. He told him that the
main problem he had was called Post-Tramatic Stress Disorder and
whenever a past back memory happens he starts reliving the memory as
though it's really happening to him all over again. that causes major
stress which creates a chain reaction into a DID episode. Here's your
question about wheather you are
in denial and if you are being closed-minded? To answer it fairly and
truthfully yes you are in denial and being closed-minded and I don't
mean to say that meanly or harshly so forgive me. Those are normal
first reactions when you (as her SO) hear this. I didn't have that
reaction but that's only because his situation was a little different
than your wifes. Plus I already have been all my growing up in a
family full of mental cases so I know the signs. I was skeptic as well
when my husband came out and we got in the car and he told me that he
had already diagnosed him. I felt that this guy was a quack and would
have to be wrong. But I knew better. I knew that he was right that my
husband really did have all the signs to what he was speaking about I
just didn't want to believe him only because I didn't trust his
educaton and his judgement. But that is only because I myself have had
my fair share of past crazy therapists and Phycitrists misdiagnosing
me. I then realized that my husband and I are different in how our
minds and bodies are developed and that his sitaution was not the
same. In fact they were completely different. I accepted it that same
day. But as for his therapist(which we were sharing)I was not being
just paraniod about her. I knew there was something messed up with her
but at that time I didn't know what. I know now and am glad she is no
longer in our lives. You have to be real careful what kind of
therapist you get because they will all try to hook you into believing
that they all know better than you do. Shoot that's what they are
taught in college. But if you are two or three steps ahead of them and
really do look into where they went to school and how much education
they got and everything like that you can usually tell which ones are
the true blue therapists and which ones are more crazy than you are.
Don't allow them to try to manipulate you into believing that you
don't have to and/or have the right to look into their background to
find out if they are legit. You have every right and you should before
you do any kind of deep talking with them. Most of us out there that
need help and need therapy are vulerible and are very easy manipulated
most those therapists out there know that and some actually use that
to their advantage to use and abuse us even worse. I think people like
that are sick and need major help themselves as well as need to have
their liceneses taken away and never be allowed to practise again as
well as should serve prison time for it. But we don't live in a world
full of that kind of justice. Here's a suggestion I have that I
recommend everyone to do. Get 3 professional opinions. And if all 3
are the same then there is your answer but if they are all 3 different
like say one said they have this and the other saids then then you'll
have to keep searching until you find the right one. And where all 3
are the same. Another suggestion I have to is once you have all 3 the
same then go to 3 others and find out if they think that it is what
these doc's say it is. I know that is a lot of money but I look at it
this way. God will bless you in doing this for your partner whom you
have promised to yourself,God and to others out there that you love
with all your whole being. So money to you won't matter. Just getting
them help. Real true help will. And there is nothing wrong with
admitting that you need help. And don't let anyone tell you any
different.


I have been trying to be supportive without
> encouraging what I fear is not real.

Let me tell you that you are doing what I didn't and couldn't do.
So please pat yourself on the back for that. I have been making it
worse for my husband even though I know better than to lay into him I
have no real clue what to do on how to support him when he does
dissociate. We live in a state that doesn't do any kind of DID
research to help people with this illness or anything. So I have been
at my wits end. I have found a book recently that I think you
seriously should read. And that even your wife should read. I'll give
you the name and the author at the end of this letter.


Is there a way to support her
> without encouraging this diagnosis?

That is a hard question for me to answer. Like I have stated before
up above you have done something that I couldn't. You must understand
something though. To support your spouse is to encourage. To not only
let them know that you are there but to be comepletely there comfort
(or safe) zone. Which goes into answering the question. Will
> she ever be able to be my partner, or am I a caregiver-for-life?
The answer to that is yes and yes. You need to look at this positively
because if you don't she'll catch on that you aren't and freak out and
you'll lose her as you being her comfort zone for her. I don't just
believe that my husband will and can get cured by this illness but
because spiritually praying to God I know he will. I know the real
person that is inside him. God knows the real person inside him. It is
up to me to help him bring and to help him see that that person whom I
fell in love with and is is the person I married. They need to know
why you married them in the first place because they don't know who
they are inside. They are lost. And to be found they need you. You are
the partner and the care-giver. You are the Father,the Brother,and the
Husband. But you need to figure out how to seperate them when she
needs just one of them. Our therapist told me that I was not suppose
to be the Mother,the Sister,and the Wife. She told me that I was just
the Wife. That is untrue and any therapist that saids that to you you
need to run not walk away from them and never go back. As well as they
need to be reported. All therapists have to go up against a board. Use
that you your advantage. We as the spouses aren't just ment to sit
back and just watch this happen to them. We have to be apart of it to
help the, out. That's the only way we can be true supporters and
comfort zones to our spouses. Most DID patients have children in them
that come out. Why because it is a childhood trama that happens.
That's why they use to call it Mutiple Personality Disorder because
to have it all start you had to have a childhood trama to start it.
And then it just builds and builds to more and more personalities. I
don't know what they even changed the name of it because it all the
samething. No matter how many times you change the name.



Should I pretend to go along
> with it?

No you should never pretend. Answer yourself these questions.
Remember she has feelings too. Real feelings and you told her you
loved her and would care for her through sickness and through health.
Were you serious? Were you telling the truth when you said that? You
need to for your sake to find out more about what DID is and what the
symtoms are as well as supporting her in the process. So then once you
understand and know more on how to help her and how to handle it for
yourself. So no you should never pretend. You need to learn more so
you can grow and gain knowledge of what this illness is so you aren't
having to lie to yourself and her. Think about this serious for a
minute. Let's say she does have DID. And let's say she has a childhood
memory of someone very close to her and someone she trusted years ago
leaving her behind. Now if you lie and are thinking about or want to
get a divorce because you think you can't take what she has mentally
then what do you think might happen to her mentally? And also ask
yourself this. Put yourself in her shoes. Think about the worse case
senero and quaddrupple that. That is exactly what she will feel. She
will get worse and maybe even create a new personality. Now is that
something you are really wanting to do? This isn't just about what you
are going through and how you have to handle it. Remember she's
actually going through it. You are just feeling helpless and lonely
and not knowing what to do. Remember she's really worse off than you
are. You need to remember that. She isn't all up there in the head and
needs someone who she can trust and love truly to help her get through
it. The movie I recommend you see is What Dreams May Come. It will
help you put into prospective what real true love is and can do to
conquer all. She literally needs her knight and shining armor. Are you
going to be that knight or are you going to be like everyone else that
she has had in her like that has abandoned her and left. Everyone
needs someone. And everyone has a someone. Question I have that I'm
curious to know from you is. Did you just find out recently about this
or did you know about this when you two were dating before you two got
married? And even if you didn't know before are you going to be a
cowerd and run away or are you going to be a man and be there for her.
Are you going to be her man or her mouse? To true love takes
conviction and giving up apart of yourself to that person. It is the
most hardest thing to do next to having faith in God. You need to also
use your spiritualness for this. No one can get through this without
that. If you have issues with God I say you put those aside and if you
truly love her like you say you do then you will let God help you. To
open your mind you must give up yourself fully to the one true God. I
also look it it this way. Would I want someone if I had this problem
to abandon me? I am a mormon and I don't believe in death do us part.
I know that I will not only see my mate in the next life but if I get
sealed to him in our temple I will be sealed to him for all eternity.
I don't just believe that I know that to be true. It is all in the
faith that I have in Jesus Christ and in my Heavenly Father. I know
they wouldn't send me someone I can't help and that can't help me. The
Godhead isn't cruel. Only Satan and Man are. And when you know that
will you truly be able to help her and yourself to get through this.



She believes
> she has "parts." If she believes it, does that make it so?

Like I said above earlier. You need to fully research and study to
find out if what she as is DID. Don't just sit on your hands and not
do anything to find out. Your obligation to yourself and her is to
help her and to help her handle this. If you can't handle this she
won't be able to. So look into it. Like I have also stated above
earlier I will give you at the end a book that is incredible to read.
It tells a lot about it and goes more into it than I think any
therapist could go.


Would she be better off if I left her, so she would be forced to be
> self-sufficient?

That question as already been answered up above. I would encourage
you to reread what I have written to you and see what was said about
this question.

Here's the book that may change yourself forever. I know it has me.
I suggest trying all the web sites and books that it suggests in this
book to read up on it. Here it is. It's called The dissociative
identity disorder sourcebook and it's by Deborah Bray Haddock, M.Ed.,
M.A., L.P. Forward by James A. Chu, M.D. And if you want to find out
about Post-Trama Stress here's a book I found quite helpful and
answered a lot of questions. It's called Post-Trauma Stress by Frank
Parkinson. Two very helpful books. A web site I recommend to go to to
help you out and learning a little bit more about DID and maybe even
getting more support in the matter as a SO as well. The web site is
http://www.mosaicminds.org/safe-ground-new.shtml. That will take you
to a page that will help you and your wife know what to do when she
just starts getting ready to switch into a personality. It's called
Grounding yourself. I use some of these techniques while I'm having a
major anxiety attack in my car or when I am in small or big crowds.
You talk your way through it. And use things that will help you come
back from making yourself relive the nightmare. It really does help.
Like I've said I've tried it before. I'm not DID but I do have major
panic attacks and it really works in any situation. Including before
you hit a DID episode and start Post-Trauma Stressing it. I just came
upon this web site the day before and have decided to try it the next
time I can tell my husband is just starting to switch. I will get back
with you if you'd like to let you know if it worked for him. Since he
really is the one that has these illnesses? Another one is
multiple-personality.com. Go check these sites out. If you would like
to e-mail me back e-mail me. I would love to hear from you and find
out how you and your wife are doing.


Sincerely,
Elizabeth
Heiby-Boteler (SO of a PSTD and DID person)