In a message dated 4/7/2004 5:02:53 AM Pacific Daylight Time,
TCFAtlantaOnline@... writes:
It's Happening Again
By Sandy Goodman


It's happening again. Right outside my front door, under an inch of leftover
snow, a daffodil is pushing its way up into the sunlight. The bare places in
my lawn are thawed and messy, and the steady drip from the roof lulls us to
sleep. Yesterday, I strolled the thirty feet to my mailbox without a jacket.
Spring has reappeared.

Spring is a time for optimism. Suddenly living seems easier, happier, and
less stressful. Depression lifts and a feeling of hope fills the air. We shed
our winter blues and replace our frowns and cantankerous attitudes with smiles
and loving kindness. We visit with our neighbors over fences, clean up the
barbecues, and start leafing through seed catalogues. Life is good . . . but not
invariably and not for everyone.

I remember a spring that bore no resemblance to what I have just described.
It was the spring of 1997, six years ago, and it was the first spring after my
son's death. By the time the first warm day arrived that year, the numbness of
Jason's death had disappeared and I had entered what I call the "pit of
grief." Simply typing this paragraph takes me back in time and once again, I am
there . . .

. . . and it is cold and dark. I am alone, curled up in a corner of this
make-believe place where only my pain exists. The sorrow is my only link to him,
my only awareness, the only thing that matters. If I allow myself to move away
from it, I may lose him again. I cannot do that. I cannot take that chance.
And so I hold it. I cradle the pain in my arms, shielding it from those who want
to take it from me, and I weep . . .

However, spring arrives without invitations and it calls on everyone. It
skips in like a long awaited guest and expects to be welcomed with open arms. I
recall what seemed like the entire world growing jovial and lighthearted, which
merely pushed me to tunnel further into my corner and the sanctuary of my
grief. I longed for the reappearance of winter because it had kept the "ones
who
do not know" away from my door. I remember feeling betrayed. How could the
earth suddenly wake up and come alive when my son had no opportunity to do so?

It's happening again. Spring is once again knocking on our doors. Each of you
know, love, or can befriend someone who is precisely where I was six years
ago. Someone who is hurting and building walls around his or her heart to keep
you, and the entire world, out. You are unfamiliar with the grief process and
are most likely very uncomfortable with just winging it when it comes to the
subject of death. Therefore, I am going to give you a few suggestions that
should ease your apprehension. If you can coax just one bereaved person out of
the
pit for a few hours this spring, you will have accomplished more than many
people do in a lifetime.

GET HIS ATTENTION. Go to the bakery, grab some doughnuts, then to the garden
shop and buy some plants. Ring his doorbell. When he wearily opens the door a
couple of inches and peers out, stick your foot in the door really fast. Tell
him, "I really need coffee to go with these goodies, and will you show me a
good place to plant these flowers for Jim?"

SAY HER NAME. While you're digging and planting those flowers, talk to her
about something you remember about the deceased. If you didn't know him, ask
questions. Get to know him. Use his name, as often as you can until both of you
feel comfortable.

GIVE HIM THINGS. Take him books that seem inspiring, candles he can light
when he needs a connection, photo albums for his loved one's picture, and
journals that he can write in at 3:00 a.m.

INVITE HER TO BREAKFAST OR COFFEE. It may be the only reason she has to get
out of bed at all. The bereaved use sleep as a shelter from the world.

TAKE HIM TO A DOCTOR IF HE IS A DANGER TO HIMSELF OR OTHERS. Grief is
depression. If it is severe enough, medication may help alleviate some of the
pain
until the bereaved person is strong enough to face it head on. Offer to go to a
counseling session or a grief support group with him.

CALL HER OFTEN. Don't just call her once a month, call her once a day. Always
ask her how she is feeling, what you can do, and then LISTEN.

SEND A CARD ON SPECIAL DAYS. Special days are the deceased's birthday, death
date, all holidays, anniversaries, and special family events such as weddings,
confirmations, etc. Always write something like "Thinking of you and knowing
that you must be missing John."

ENCOURAGE LAUGHTER AND REMEMBER THE POWER OF TOUCH. It is healing.

ALLOW HIM TO SHARE HIS SPIRITUAL BELIEFS OR LACK THEREOF. Be open and willing
to listen to anything he may be experiencing, feeling, or searching for. Your
job is not to judge, but to support.

Last but not least, HAVE NO EXPECTATIONS for the time she spends grieving. It
is individual, nothing is "normal," and if she doesn't feel it now, grief
waits. Just go with the flow. Stay with her and walk at her pace.

Once again, spring is fast approaching. You are feeling optimistic and
excited about the upcoming season and all of the things you can accomplish as
everything comes alive again. The winter has been long and hard; you are ready
for a
new beginning. I understand. I share your anticipation. Six years ago is not
now. My corner of the pit has been occupied by many since my stay there, and I
have no intention of revisiting it. But there are many who have just
descended and they are burrowing in, seeking solitude. Although I firmly believe
that
being there is a necessary task in getting to the other side of grief, I also
believe that we must come out occasionally for fresh air and sunshine. It is
up to you, and to me, to go into his world and reach out for his hand. Once
he's taken hold, his chance of successfully climbing out is greatly increased.
So
go on, go buy those doughnuts - someone is waiting just for you.

Sandy Goodman is the author of Love Never Dies: A Mother's Journey from Loss
to Love (Jodere Group, 2002), and the founder and chapter leader of the Wind
River Chapter of The Compassionate Friends. In May 2003, Sandy will lead a
workshop at the Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors (TAPS) Conference in
Washington D.C.

I will not be speaking at The Compassionate Friends Conference in Atlanta as
previously announced. However, I will be presenting a workshop in Washington
D.C. at the TAPS Conference in May and at the Bereaved Parents USA Conference
in St. Louis in June.
Please let me know if you are attending either of these conferences! I would
love to meet you!!

Sandy Goodman
sandy@...

Sandy's web site: www.loveneverdies.net

~reprinted from TCF Atlanta Newsletter, April - May 2003
http://www.tcfatlanta.org/AprMay2003.html

----------------------------------------------------

LOVE VALERIE
MOM OF
CHARLES RAY SHAW
2-3-68 1-29-02
FOREVER IN MY HEART AND SOUL


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