Hi Erika and the rest...

It is now 3:02 AM and again I can't sleep. I am obsessing about how much I
ate today. It is bad tonight - I honestly haven't had a good night's sleep
in weeks and weeks... coworkers are noticing my lack of energy and weakness
at work, and they are commenting on my size. I don't want all the
attention...

I am 41, I am a highly intelligent systems analyst working in a great job
with a great life. THen why am I still going through this?

Erika, I really want to try and get better. BUt I don't understand what is
happening to me... the thinner I get, the fatter I feel? I see globs of
fat all over me - I can't stand this.

If it wasn't so late I would surely call you. THe hardest part is that I
can't seek any psychiatric counselling right now - I have a top level
security clearance and all of my activities are monitored (I work for the
Army), and it could jeopardize my position and my clearance. SO I just keep
it all to myself.

I can't believe I am opening up like this tonight, Erika! Wow - its like a
floodgate is opening and all the water is rushing out at high speed!

I don't know how much you know about me, but let me give you a little
background. I am an unusual one...

I was 408 pounds, and in January of 2004 I underwent gastric bypass surgery.
I am 6 ft tall, and now my weight is 158 pounds. I worked out like a
maniac with a private trainer to tighten up as much as I could, and I am so
proud to say that except for some looseness around my abdomen, my body is
tight. BUT I feel so fat. It's weird, when I was 408, I never felt as fat
as I do now. As a matter of fact, I felt SMALLER than I really was. Now, I
feel enormous.

My surgery "stopped working" after about 18 months which is normal - hunger
returns, and larger portions can be consumed. This panicked me - and this
led to my restricting and exercising. For a while, I was down to about
200-300 calories per day, and I was seeing a psych (before I started this
job in June) who had me on Lexapro and diagnosed me with Ana. I still don't
believe it - I never even imagined the possibility... I promptly stopped
the Lexapro since I didn't think it was helping, and I stopped the therapy,
since I was applying for this govt. job, and they want to know EVERYTHING
about you. In my field they do not want "mentally ill" people, so I don't
dare even consider going to therapy right now. THey will find out.

BUt all I know is I just can't eat - I live in fear of the food constantly.
I have stopped socializing at work because all they do is eat! What pigs.
THey never seem to stop. I want nothing to do with it.

I really want to shoot for 150 or maybe 145 and then I will stop. I am sure
I will be happier then. I am fitting into my size 30 waist jeans and I like
the feel. But I just feel so fat sometimes it keeps me up all night!! So
here I am, just typing away like a maniac...

Today, for example, I had a 100-calorie protein drink in the morning, then I
had 2 ounces of lean beef at lunch (cut from a very lean steak, plain), and
I felt like I was such a pig! I never felt emotionally like I had let
myself down so badly as after having given in to that food!

Then, tonight I did something terrible - I mixed 1/2 cup of Ricotta Cheese
(an italian cottage cheese ) with 2 packets of sweet and low. And I ate it
all. I wish I could have thrown it back up, but my new plumbing makes that
impossible (its a long story, but basically whenever I swallow anything it
goes straight into my small intestine and past the stoma - I will elaborate
on that further if you like some day). I just want to be thin - I want to
be normal.

I am so sick of folks saying that I am too thin - they need to walk in my
shoes for a while. I just want to NOT have to go through this MENTAL
ANGUISH 24/7 - I can't take it anymore. THe lack of sleep is killing me
little by little. I am such a failure in my own life. You would never know
it to see me at the office, I put on a very good show. Although now I guess
people are starting to question my appearance and why I am never eating
anything - I don't want that food near me....they are just jealous that I
have the will power and they don't. I don't know - that doesn't even make
sense, but I am typing it anyway...

Anyway, I started out at a 64-inch waist and a 4X shirt. I had to live with
crappy ugly clothes from Walmart and big-and-tall shops. Now, I wear a
men's small shirt, and a size 30 waist! I can't explain it, but for some
reason it still seems like a big size to me. I feel so fat! I am fat, but
no one believes me. I just want to be thin and normal. I must get
thinner. THAT IS WHAT I DON'T UNDERSTAND - - what is driving me like this?
WHAT is telling me that I have to get thinner???? WHY do I look so fat even
though I have lost well over 250 pounds?? WHY? I need to stop this.

I love standing in front of the mirror when I take my shower. I can see my
ribs and I love how they look. But all around them I just see fat. It
makes me sick, and I can't STAND it. THIS is what I want gone from my life
- the constant OBSESSING and torment that I feel from all this fat!

Anyway, this has ruined my life more than folks know. I won't go to the
beach or the pool, because I won't take off my shirt. I haven't had sex in
over a year, I just don't want anyone looking at me. Recently the last
person to see me undress was a disaster - they thought I was ill or
something and that I was too thin - - I JUST DONT SEE IT. It was a total
nightmare that ended in nothing but complete embarassment.

I am so sorry for going on and on like this - I just can't believe how much
I have been holding inside of myself and now it is all coming out.

If you would have told me a couple of years ago, that as a HUGE 408 pound
man I would some day be Anorexic, I would think you were a nut case!!!! I
still can't believe this is me. I look in the mirror, and I truly don't
know who I am anymore. I feel so empty.

I can cope better with things when I don't eat. I feel like at least that
part of my life is under control. If only I could sleep. I prefer sleep to
being awake these days - by far...

PLease forgive me for ranting on and on tonight. I always appreciate your
posts, Erika. I was going to check out your EDSA (??) website but I
couldn't find it. Can you provide a URL?

Thanks, please have a great night...

Mike

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