I am 29 and have been part of the Yahoo group for about 6 months
ago. I read your post and understand many parts of what you are
saying. I have lived most of my twenties overweight. After a 4
year relationship with someone who reminded me every day I was
overweight, I decided to get on a diet. It started innocently
enough. Someone I knew lost 150 pounds on the Atkins. I have read
that for many it starts with a simple diet that goes wrong. I lost
about 80 pounds. People congratulated me. Then I plateau'd. I
just could not lose another pound. People told me I was fine, but I
did not want to be fine. I knew that without clothes I still had
buldges of fat and it bothered me. Here is when I started to go
down the wrong path. I started picking foods I felt were safe and
then purging them. My thought was even if some of it did get into
my blood stream at least it was low carb.

Purging has been a big problem and when I started to look for help,
all the programs seemed to be women. I did not want to go to a
support group surrounded by women sharing thoughts of chocolate cake.

I told a few friend I was bulemic and I experienced two interesting
reactions. Many just told me I was being silly (funny starving
yourself doesn't seem silly). And others started to watch me to
closely, so now I am a master at hiding my habits even from both of
my room mates. They know I have a bulemic past, but they just think
I have a sensitive stomach.

I know I may have done damage to my body. Many times I can't keep
food in me when I want to. But on the other hand I get scared to
give up and become fat again.

I understand how you feel that part of you suffers from this and
another part of you does not want to change it.

It's almost like its better to live with the problem than to face
the consequences of changing your behavior and your life.

This really does suck.