It's hard to know anymore. This desire is so complex and dark in itself that the
indecision is abundance.

I've seen women holding their children as bombs explode around them and bullets
ricochet off walls near them. I've seen my friends get torn limb from limb by
land mines. And I've seen them thrown completely lifeless like a rag doll from a
quivering projectile.

Yet I am still alive. I don't know what this is. A blessing or a curse. Is God
trying to punish me? If so, it's very cruel of him to do it but scything
others.

I don't know.

However this fantasy has been with me for most my life. Like a demon on my left
shoulder. Where's the angel on my right?

Anyway, I've been considering taking a leap of faith. However I believe if I
did, God would catch me...and then let me drop for amusement.

Maybe I'm over reacting. I did just lose my girlfriend (went up to Canada with
family), and I got a lousy instructor's position...guess it could all just be
stress.

But still... how many demons must I kill before I can reach God?

> ( (c=