On May 1st, 2003, my first baby, my sweet little Erin, was born via "emergency" cesarean.  Although I had always known it was a possibility, the whole thing ended up being a huge shock to me.  And though really there was nothing particularly remarkable about any of it - it was just another ordinary c-section - it was hugely traumatic and disturbing to me. 

 

I spent months on end suffering from postpartum depression brought on by the c-section.  This was not the ppd as described in Kaleida's childbirth class.  This centered on unforeseen feelings of confusion, disillusionment, failure, and many others too numerous and complex to mention. Prior to that, I was not that mom who had pictured myself needing that "perfect" birth - you know, unmedicated, without intervention, etc.  I thought I would just roll with whatever hand was dealt, and whatever would happen would be meant to be.  So these feelings were even more shocking to me than the cesarean itself.  I was hurt, angry, a bit self-destructive, and did not feel I deserved to have this beautiful child. 

 

I thought very seriously about seeking counseling of some nature, but I was afraid to.  I was afraid of not being taken for what I was feeling - either not taken seriously enough, or being taken far more seriously than I needed to be, afraid I would take precious money and time away from my family, afraid that someone would hear about my feelings and try to take me away from my daughter who was the one good thing of this experience brought me. After literally months of crying every single day, usually at the drop of a hat, I sat down at my computer, at the end of my rope, and looked to find some kind of evidence that I was not the first woman to feel this way.

 

The first thing I found was a document by Diane Korte on ivillage.com.  I don't know if it's still there, but it was called Cesarean Depression, and the descriptions of the symptoms fit me to a "T".  It was like finding a lump of gold in the drain of the kitchen sink. And then I found ICAN-online.org. I posted my story to the e-list, and in a flurry of responses, suddenly I knew for certain that I wasn't alone.

 

My dear friend Deb and I started this ICAN chapter in 2005.  (Deb later needed to step down as co-leader for personal reasons.)  We felt it was so important to *do something*;  that women needed to know the truth and their rights so that they didn't walk away with their new babies feeling coerced and manipulated into their cesareans as we had.

 

No, not everybody feels this way.  (Actually, I don't think many of you on this list who have had c-sections do.   Please know that you not are required to come from the same place as me, or to have the same feelings as me.  You're all here for your own reasons. These are just mine.)

 

And so on November 5, 2005, I *gave birth* to my second daughter, Lindsay.  I can say I gave birth to her.  I still don't feel I did for my Erin, and I'll probably never fully get over that feeling of loss.  But my VBAC was empowering.  Calming, even. 3 days of labor, and two final contractions filled with the most mighty and determined pushes any woman has ever made.  I felt like I fought so hard to have that birth, believe me - much of which was with myself. My whole pregnancy, it was almost do-or-die for me, because I never wanted to go through those awful emotions again.  It was such a gift of redemption to me.  It helped wash the immediate sting of anger and hurt away, although when I really get into the story of Erin's birth, it bubbles right back up for a few days.  Fortunately, it's not at the tip of my mind like it used to be.

 

So that is my story in as small of a nutshell as it will fit.  I hope I have inspired you to share too, whether or not you have had a c-section. I hope you'll tell us all why you're here :)