Three years ago today was my last day as a joyful pregnant woman.  We knew we would soon be welcoming our son, Quinn Jacob.  I had done everything possible to prepare for a successful VBAC.  We had a doula, all those warm lazy summer days at the pool, reading everything, preparing to labor as long as possible at home before heading to the hospital.  My beautiful pregnant belly, everyone so shocked that I was so far along because I had such a cute belly.  I had monitored my blood pressure carefully and remained so healthy for the entire pregnancy.  As I remember it, life was perfect and beautiful.  Then in the wee hours of the morning on 8/26/04, labor began.  I was so excited and emotional.  My body was doing what it should.  Around 9 am, we headed to the hospital.  Sisters of Charity Hospital, Haley couldn't understand why we would be going to Sisters to get a brother, LOL!  Everything looked great all day and into the evening.  Then, signs of fetal distress.  The rushed c-section.  At 7:45 pm on 8/26/04, the most amazing little boy that I will ever know entered this world.  He was limp and silent.  My wonderful husband stood there and watched as they worked on our precious little boy.  Then my husband worried that he would lose both of us, even though I knew I was fine.  All I got to see was a glimpse of my beautiful boy as they wheeled him away to the Special Care Nursery.  Due to shift change, I was in recovery for hours.  The kind, compassionate neonatalogist came to speak with us, giving us the bad news.  Our son was quite sick and would have to stay in the hospital.  At that point, everyone thought he would recover quickly because most babies do.  Instead, we entered a roller coaster of 41 days of NICU hell between two different hospitals.  Eventually I was able to be taken to see him before being taken to my room.  All I got to touch was his little foot.  It was 4 days before I finally got to hold my dear boy and then it was with all kinds of tubes, wires, pillows, blankets.  It was almost 6 weeks before I would finally hear his voice softly cry out.  In one night, our entire world exploded and we were left to pick up the pieces of our lives.  I was blessed with caring for him for 15 months and 2 days.  It was so difficult to see it that way, most of the time, but I was truly blessed.  My son was an amazing, beautiful little boy.  Our Bubba, The Boy, Little Quinny Baby Boo Boo.  Happy 3rd Birthday, my sweet son!  All I can do is imagine what he would be like if he were still here, if he had been born healthy.  He taught us so much about being a family, life, and love, true unconditional love.  My only regret is that more people were not blessed with knowing him.  Once again, we will stand at his place at the cemetery and release bright shiny red balloons.  Since he didn't get any balloons on his birth-day, I promised him that he will always have balloons on every birthday.  Every baby deserves balloons at their birth.  Last year, I was pg over his birthday.  We missed him terribly of course, but we were full of hope.  Then that baby joined him in heaven and three months ago my sweet little baby girl is also joined him.  How surreal.  This year, my grief and sadness knows no limits and I have almost no hope left in my life.  For this weekend though, I am doing my best to focus on only my son.  My beautiful blond haired, blue-eyed boy.  With those luscious eyelashes and soft, perfect skin.  The non-stop fight to keep him alive and breathing is long over.  He is safe and at peace and one day we will all be together again.  Every time I see a hummingbird, I know he is free.  Free of his physical body that trapped him on this earth.  Please, remember my boy with me.  The sound of his breathing, his toasty cuddly warmth, one little smile that made it all worthwhile.  Feel the love, cry with me.  We will love him and miss him forever.  When we chose his name, little did we know just how mighty he would be!  

 

Y*******Y***Debra***Y*******Y
Journeying Through Life With
Kelly, My Amazing Hubby
Momma to Princess Haley 6/19/99
Forever Missing Three Who Soar Above
The Mighty Quinn Jacob ~8/26/04 - 11/28/05~
April Sarah ~9/06~
Sweet Miss Fiona Quinn ~5/24/07-5/24/07~
www.caringbridge.org/visit/themightyquinn