Melody,

You Wrote:
I am absolutely astounded that you still feel this way. After all
the stuff that spouses of compulsive gamblers have gone through,
(and from what I read of what your wife did to you with the opening
up of credit cards etc. etc.), how on earth can a person WANT to
continue in such a marriage??? This is what I find puzzling.

My Response:
Like I've stated on more than one ocasion ... I believe divorce was
the appropriate decision in my particular situation. But please
understand that I did not make this decision lightly or without
exhausting every possible alternative. My wife had been diagnosed as
a compulsive gambler 10 years prior to our separation and 14 years
prior to my filing for a divorce.

I can only answer your question from my own particular perspective.
While we have discussed at length the common traits of CG's and the
uncanny similarities in our stories ... I think each person has to
look at their own situation separately. My ex and I met in our
early high school years. During our early dating years, thoughout
our engagement and for the first 10-15 years of our marraige we
lived a fariy tale existance. I say 10-15 years now because I can't
be exactly sure when her gambling problems started. But it was my
memories of those wonderful times that gave me hope during the next
very difficult 10-15 years.

In the years that followed, there were all kinds of red flags that
would have made a lot of people at the very least suspicious of my
wife's behavior. However, looking back ... I chose to ignore all of
them. And once I did discover that she had a problem, I spent
several years playing the role of a classic enabler ... bailing her
out and trying to "fix" the problems she had created.

There were also years when I worked an exorbitant amount of hours.
I now admit to being a recovered workaholic and I often wonder if my
absence and long hours at work contributed to my ex's poor choices.
I guess the point I am trying to make here is each person has to
satisfy themselves that there is absoultely NO chance for recovery
before they decide to end a marriage. For me it required several
failed attempts with in-patient recovery programs, professional one-
on-one counseling, involvement in Gamblers Anonymous, medical
reviews, etc. The thing that finally clinched it for me was my
silent observations over the course of 4 years while me and my wife
were separated. Her behavior over that period of time told me
everything I needed to know ... that she was not capable of changing.

However, having said that ... through my association with Gam-Anon
and my state's Council on Problem Gambling I have also witnessed
many remarkable recoveries by some very couragious couples.

You Wrote:
It's a no win scenario. If you are married to a compuslive gambler,
and they use your credit card, deplete your bank account, you lose
the house, you have no more money in the bank, they won't go for
help...... (well, I could never even stay in such a marriage if the
person even did one of those things.). But I know about compulsive
gambling from what my son has done. And I know various people who
had to kick their adult son out because he sold everything in their
house.

My Response:
Very often living with a compulsive gambler is a no win situation,
in fact in most cases it's a no win situation. But I guess for me
it's the rare success story that provides the hope to enable the
friends and family of CG's to go that extra mile. In Gam-Anon we
learn how to make the most of times when you are married to a CG
by "letting go" of their problem, educating yourself about the
addiction, avoiding being the enabler and setting appropriate
boundaries. As long as these measures are successful in creating a
tolerable relationship, I think people are validated in their
efforts.

You Wrote:
So why stay in a marriage that is self destructive?. And marriage to
a compulsive gambler can't be ANYTHING BUT SELF DESTRUCTIVE... At
least from what I've read on the boards...Can you elaborate?? I'd
appreciate it. I do not ask this question out of any disrespect, I'm
just curious.

My Response:
Your questions are quite understandable. However, due to the nature
of this message board understand that you are going to hear more of
the horror stories than the success stories. However, like I said
on those rare ocasions ... we do hear of someone who was successful
in their efforts to recover from a gambling problem. Take for
instance our friend Toni who not only had the courage to battle her
addiction but now regularly adds her unique perspective to the
discussions on this message board. In my humble opinon it's stories
like Toni's that makes the efforts that the spouses of CG's continue
to make.

I don't know if I answered your questions but I hope I've provided
you with a little insight as to my own unique situation and what it
took for me stay in my relationship as long as I did and what it
took for me to finally realize that divorce was the appropriate
action for me to take.

Good Luck & God Bless,
Gary B.

--- In gamanonsupportgroup@yahoogroups.com, "melody" <eliz7212@...>
wrote:
>
> Gary:
> You said the following:
> " Lastly, I am not endorsing divorce as a practical way of dealing
with the
> problem you described ... I still think that divorce should only
be
> considered as a last resort when all else has failed"
>
> I am absolutely astounded that you still feel this way. After all
the stuff
> that spouses of compulsive gamblers have gone through, (and from
what I read
> of what your wife did to you with the opening up of credit cards
etc. etc.),
> how on earth can a person WANT to continue in such a marriage???
> This is what I find puzzling. It's a no win scenario. If you are
married
> to a compuslive gambler, and they use your credit card, deplete
your bank
> account, you lose the house, you have no more money in the bank,
they won't
> go for help...... (well, I could never even stay in such a
marriage if the
> person even did one of those things.). But I know about compulsive
gambling
> from what my son has done. And I know various people who had to
kick their
> adult son out because he sold everything in their house. So why
stay in a
> marriage that is self destructive?. And marriage to a compulsive
gambler
> can't be ANYTHING BUT SELF DESTRUCTIVE... At least from what I've
read on
> the boards...Can you elaborate??
> I'd appreciate it. .
>
> I do not ask this question out of any disrespect, I'm just curious.
> Thanks, Melody
>
> ----- Original Message -----
> From: "Gary Berger" <london5747@...>
> To: <gamanonsupportgroup@yahoogroups.com>
> Sent: Monday, April 16, 2007 12:48 PM
> Subject: RE: [GAMANON SUPPORT GROUP ] Help....
>
>
> Nicole,
>
> Approximately 5 years ago I found myself in a very similar
situation to the
> one you have described. My wife (a compulsive gambler) had
somehow managed
> to obtain several credit cards in both my name only and our names
jointly.
> She also had maxed out these cards while gambling. In my case
this was the
> second time I had to deal with financial issues involving my
wife's
> gambling. 7 years earlier her reckless behavior had forced us to
file
> bankruptcy, although we were able to keep our home and vehicles.
I had
> taken all of the necessary steps to protect my financial
assets ... or at
> least I thought I had when I discovered the maxed out credit cards
the first
> time. Desperate at this point I consulted with a local attorney
that
> specialized in bankruptcies and other financial matters. I asked
him how I
> could protect myself 100% financially from anything that my wife
might do in
> the future. The answer I received was both surprising and
sobering. He
> told me that the only way I could protect myself 100% financially
from my
> wife's behavior was to get a divorce. He explained that in most
states the
> courts assume some mutual liability for both parties in a marriage
in
> financial matters. I wasn't ready to take that kind of step at
that time so
> I did what I could do to pay off the maxed out accounts and close
them. Two
> years later due to continuing issues related to my wife's
compulsive
> gambling and a whole host of new problems that arose when she
became
> co-addicted to alcohol. I did file for a divorce.
>
> I have been divorced for 3 years now. My wife and I actually
separated 4
> years prior to that so we've actually been apart for more than 7
years.
> Over the past 7 years I cleaned up as much of the debt that had
incurred in
> my name or our name jointly as I could. I have paid all of my
bills in a
> timely and responsible manner. I have not applied for any loans
or made any
> purchases on credit. I own no credit cards ... only a bank
checking/debit
> card. I have worked for my current employer for the past 4 years
and I earn
> a respectable income. Two months ago the transmission went out on
the
> second hard automobile that I had driven for the past 10 years.
So I went
> shopping for a new vehicle. I found one I liked, negotiated a
price and a
> monthly payment, contingent on my credit being approved. The
approval was
> delayed because I had forgotten that I had placed a "fraud" alert
on my
> credit report 5 years prior to prevent my ex from getting another
credit
> card. Once I had the fraud alert lifted I was notified by the
dealership
> that they had experienced difficult time getting someone to
approve me for a
> loan. They also informed me that the interest rate would be an
unbelievable
> 24%! Of course this inflated the monthly payments to something
that I could
> not afford.
>
> Since I was turned down by several companies for a car loan, I was
able to
> order credit reports for no charge. What I found was that many of
the old
> debts that I had paid off years before did not reflect that on the
report.
> The report also showed numerous accounts that were still open with
zero
> balances. Accounts that I had obviously missed when I was paying
off my
> ex's debts earlier. I did some research and discovered that
errors on
> credit reports are very common. It seems that the credit bureaus
do an
> excellent job of reporting a consumer's debts and late payments.
But when
> it comes to showing payoffs and corrective measures taken by the
consumer
> they aren't nearly as accurate. Sooooo ... I am now getting ready
to start
> working with a non-profit debt/credit consulting organization to
clean up my
> credit report. I've have been told by them to expect the process
to be slow
> and cumbersome one and expect it to take 9 months to a year before
I can
> expect any positive change in my attempts to secure a loan with a
reasonable
> interest rate.
>
> I shared my experience with you and others so you can see what can
happen
> when you are married to a compulsive gambler. Unfortunately,
there is a lot
> of education that needs to happen with those involved in the
financial and
> judicial segments of our society related to the negative impact
that a
> compulsive gambler can have on innocent family members. My
experiences with
> the court system are directly related to my reference to the
judicial
> segment ... but that is another story for another day. My only
suggestion
> would be for you to consult with a top notch attorney, with
experience in
> bankruptcy and other financial matters. Lastly, I am not
endorsing divorce
> as a practical way of dealing with the problem you described ... I
still
> think that sdivorce hould only be considered as a last resort when
all else
> has failed.
>
> I wish you all the luck in the world.
>
> Good Luck & God Bless,
> Gary B.
>
> To: gamanonsupportgroup@...: anothernickel@...:
> Mon, 16 Apr 2007 07:15:02 -0700Subject: Re: [GAMANON SUPPORT
GROUP ]
> Help....
>
>
>
>
> My husband got a credit card using my name and socialwithout my
knowledge.
> It is on my credit report asbeing opened feb. of 2007 and is now
maxed out.
> I've written the company and they have not responded.I never
signed anything
> and should not be liable, butapparently they think differently.
I've also
> writtentwo of the reporting credit bureaus, but they won'tcare
either, will
> they?Can someone who is married to you use your identitylike that
without
> your knowledge and it's legal? Mycredit is currently fair to good
range, but
> he NEVERpays a dime on his balances. If I pay the balance hewill
just do it
> again and again and
> again.Help!__________________________________________________Do
You
> Yahoo!?Tired of spam? Yahoo! Mail has the best spam protection
around
> http://mail.yahoo.com
>
>
> _________________________________________________________________
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