Cuk:

I don't fully understand your response. How am I too involved in my
son's life.
he lives over 3000 miles away. We haven't seen him in over 2 and a
half years. I never send him any money.
He is on SSI with various diagnoses and has a psychiatrist and a case
manager and a payee. Am I just supposed to stop being a parent?
My question (and it wasn't answered) was: What can my husband do in
Vegas. should he give him food money or nothing at all and leave him
to rot? I think I know what I would do. I wouldn't have gone there
in the first place but my husband wanted to see my son after all
these years and my husband just got over being on morphine for 3
years for a chronic pain condition called neuropathy.
Since he had the chance to go to Vegas and see his son, he thought he
might be able to reach him as well. Of course that was a foolish
thought and he admitted this to me over the phone. I do not
understand what you mean by "too involved in your adult son's life'.
My son is 23 years old, not 43.
He acts like a stupid kid, who doesn't want any responsibilities in
life and who should not be accountable for anything.
I do not enable, I do not support his lifestyle.
when he calls me, we chat and I say, "how are you doing" and he fills
me in on what is happening in his life, for example, he is having all
his wisdom teeth pulled out next week (not a pretty thing, believe
me). He doesn't think he needs anybody with him and that's fine. We
just made the offer (as I think most parents would).
Because we never talk about gambling, and he just brought up this Las
Vegas thing, we had no idea that he would play compulsively and lose
everything in one night. My husband said "I never saw it coming"
This is getting over involved with an adult child.
Help me out here. Where is the line drawn about being a parent?
As for me, I put up boundaries over 2 years ago.
I do not call him, he calls me about once a week, maybe less just to
say "hi mom".
I have told him plenty of times, "you don't have to do that" but he
does it anyway. I never thought of hanging up the phone and not
talking to him because he is never verbally abusive, nor does he
speak about gambling.
This all came about in the past 10 days. He said "I'm going to Vegas
for a vacation". I said to him "not a good idea, you have a gambling
problem, why not go someplace else, and he said "No, I have systems
to try out and of course I replied "frank,, there are no systems,
only losers but I guess you have to find that out for yourself".
I honeslty don't think I have done anything wrong as a mom.
I'm just trying to make the best out of a bad situation. I told my
husband to just leave him there and hop on a plane and come home but
he felt bad and the hotel was paid for and he only had one more day
to go.
The reason we stopped going to gammanon was that we honestly felt
that because my son did not live with us, did not ask us for money,
did not beg us for money, did not demand anything from us and we did
not send him any, why would we be required to attend meetings.
Because my son has also been diagnosed with Narcissisic personality
disorder, believe me when I tell you that I contacted a psychiatrist
who told me "put up boundaries". and I most certainly did.
I honestly feel that I will never see my son again and if you think
this is easy, then you are not a mother.
I don't see what I did as being co-dependant (maybe my husband is
just by going to Vegas) He wanted to do the right thing, not any
drama thing.)
you are entitled to your opinion, and I really do not mean any
disrespect but after what I went through over 2 years ago with the
asperger diagnosis and the asperger support groups (yeah, I attended
meetings in NYC), well, I put up the walls and they will stay up.
I know my son has a gambling problems as well as a host of other
issues. It's really sad when you have one child and he behaves in
this fashion with no consideration of his parents feelings.
I'm not going to beat myself up over this.

I kind of get the impression that you believe we should just "cut
ourselves off from him". Is this what you truly believe?

I'd love other opinions on this. I'm not being rude, just extremely
curious.
He doesn't visit us at all and we don't send him a dime. He knows
this and never asks. That has to mean something, no?

Melody