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the more I got upset the more she did and the more she hit and screamed at me the more upset I got. Short of using a cattle prod i don't think she could have stopped me. I am still frightened after all these years. I am still in emotional pain. In my hands my well being is not safe. Coldness is one thing (a cold person is still angry) but calmness is another. One can be cool and in charge.
I would have appreciated a calm parent to a raving one. I have no idea why Spock wrote that, perhaps for NTs that works but not for me.
when my also autistic step son have a tantrum I simply put thim in a quiet place and when he is calm we talk about it. In a supermarket one can carry or drag the child outside to a quiet place, smiling at the public as one goes. When people see one smiling they know it is under control somehow. Ignore comments about beating their rear ends is hard but can be done. Who the heck cares about some idiots opinion when the well being of the child is concerned. If the child is too big to drag then sit quietly on the floor with him. the manager will come and you can tell him that he is a special needs kid and ask for a quiet place. Usually they are able to respond wisely after a while and go willingly.
If i am tired or stressed i don't bring kids to the market or other public place.
In order for the child to understand that how he is treated is in his own hands he needs to be calm and me getting upset is counterproductive. On the other hand doing nothing is not great either.
Mostly i treat the child like i would have liked to be treated. My mother had a technique for public places that worked but i do not recommend it. She would threaten to pull down my pants and spank me. The thought of humiliation did it.
One good thing about my life is hat i have overcome or never had most of the usual embarrassment about public scenes.
Ask my grown daughter about apologizing for hitting and yelling. It is disingenuous to do so. the child knows it and i know it.
Just my experience from both sides of the question.
Nora
--- On Sun, 10/12/08, obvxfruwrdnv <obvxfruwrdnv@...> wrote:
From: obvxfruwrdnv <obvxfruwrdnv@...>
Subject: [for-and-by-autistics] Parenting Autism - Getting Past the Embarrassment
To: for-and-by-autistics@yahoogroups.com
Date: Sunday, October 12, 2008, 3:16 AM
One of the more difficult parts of parenting a child with autism, and
something that can be hard to talk about, is the embarrassment you
may feel about your child's behavior. As parents, we're not supposed
to feel embarrassed about our children, yet we're also taught that
children should behave, and if they don't, it's probably a result of
faulty parenting.
This belief system can be very disempowering, especially for a parent
of a child with autism, because it's impossible to control everything
your child does. At those times when your child is acting strangely
or falling apart, you can feel embarrassed or angry about the
judgment you may feel from others. As a result, you may feel pressure
to do something against your instincts, such as punish your child,
just to save face, to look like you're in control, or to assuage your
anger.
In reality, just like the sadness issue, how you feel about others'
opinions is completely up to you. Believe it or not, you can choose
to feel however you like when your child throws a tantrum in the
mall. You don't have to feel unhappy just because your child is
unhappy, or because others may judge you or your child. It's possible
to empathize with your child in the situation while remaining happy
and calm, or at least neutral and calm....
http://groups. yahoo.com/ group/autismnvc
--------
Hi obvxfruwrdnv,
The big problem with autistic adults who have autistic children is that autistic adults have a devil of a time keeping their cool. And yet, Kanner discovered that about a third of autistic children had parents with apparently firm control over their emotions and assumed this was evidence of hereditary predispositions.
I'm not sure why he thought this. Maybe he thought the apparent coolness was an overreactiive attempt to control one's own unruly impulses. This is not such a good thing, because all children crave open and obvious displays of all emotion. Benjamin Spock warned against spanking children if the parent displays no emotion in the process. It turns out that it is the one of the most traumatic experiences a small child can endure. If the parent represents all external reality to an infant, it must feel nightmarish and cataclysmic to behold the person he depends on for love behaving so capriciously and detached.
Of course, if there is, indeed, a genetic predisposition involved; such coldness is sure to trigger the autism.
Anyway, you should check out "Autsism Vox." As the name implies, the owner of the blog likes to use Latin phrases. She is really erudite, really cool, really professorial and, perhaps not surprisingly, the mother of an autistic child!
So. Don't feel guilty about getting angry at your fractious child. It'll be OK if you apologize to him after yelling at him and slapping him. I swear, all he needs is reassurance that you are human, that you love him and that control over the misery resulting from his misbehavior is in his own hands.
Yours,
Larry
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