--- On Sun, 10/12/08, obvxfruwrdnv <obvxfruwrdnv@...> wrote:

From: obvxfruwrdnv <obvxfruwrdnv@...>
Subject: [for-and-by-autistics] Parenting Autism - Getting Past the
Embarrassment
To: for-and-by-autistics@yahoogroups.com
Date: Sunday, October 12, 2008, 3:16 AM




One of the more difficult parts of parenting a child with autism, and
something that can be hard to talk about, is the embarrassment you
may feel about your child's behavior. As parents, we're not supposed
to feel embarrassed about our children, yet we're also taught that
children should behave, and if they don't, it's probably a result of
faulty parenting.
This belief system can be very disempowering, especially for a parent
of a child with autism, because it's impossible to control everything
your child does. At those times when your child is acting strangely
or falling apart, you can feel embarrassed or angry about the
judgment you may feel from others. As a result, you may feel pressure
to do something against your instincts, such as punish your child,
just to save face, to look like you're in control, or to assuage your
anger.
In reality, just like the sadness issue, how you feel about others'
opinions is completely up to you. Believe it or not, you can choose
to feel however you like when your child throws a tantrum in the
mall. You don't have to feel unhappy just because your child is
unhappy, or because others may judge you or your child. It's possible
to empathize with your child in the situation while remaining happy
and calm, or at least neutral and calm....

http://groups. yahoo.com/ group/autismnvc

--------

Hi obvxfruwrdnv,

The big problem with autistic adults who have autistic children is that autistic
adults have a devil of a time keeping their cool. And yet, Kanner discovered
that about a third of autistic children had parents with apparently firm control
over their emotions and assumed this was evidence of hereditary predispositions.

I'm not sure why he thought this. Maybe he thought the apparent coolness was an
overreactiive attempt to control one's own unruly impulses. This is not such a
good thing, because all children crave open and obvious displays of all emotion.
Benjamin Spock warned against spanking children if the parent displays no
emotion in the process. It turns out that it is the one of the most traumatic
experiences a small child can endure. If the parent represents all external
reality to an infant, it must feel nightmarish and cataclysmic to behold the
person he depends on for love behaving so capriciously and detached.

Of course, if there is, indeed, a genetic predisposition involved; such coldness
is sure to trigger the autism.

Anyway, you should check out "Autsism Vox." As the name implies, the owner of
the blog likes to use Latin phrases. She is really erudite, really cool, really
professorial and, perhaps not surprisingly, the mother of an autistic child!

So. Don't feel guilty about getting angry at your fractious child. It'll be OK
if you apologize to him after yelling at him and slapping him. I swear, all he
needs is reassurance that you are human, that you love him and that control over
the misery resulting from his misbehavior is in his own hands.

Yours,
Larry