"...many of the children who are adopted out of foster care have special needs - learning disabilities, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, attachment disorders, and fetal alcohol syndrome, among others...."

Adoption foundation launches support network pilot project
Aloma Jardine. Telegraph-Journal. Saint John, N.B.: Nov 29, 2011. pg. A.1

Becoming a parent is a challenge no matter what way you look at it.

Becoming the parent of an older child who may have been abused or neglected poses a whole other set of challenges and not ones most people are familiar with.

The New Brunswick Adoption Foundation is trying to find a way to help adoptive families with this.

It has launched a pilot project in Kent, Albert, and Westmorland counties that seeks to connect those who have adopted, are in the process of adopting, or who are thinking about adopting with not only resources, but other families who have gone through the same experience.

Although the support network is open to all adoptive families, it is geared toward those who have adopted children out of foster care.

"There are special challenges when adopting children who are older," says Francoise Corbin-Boucher, the co-ordinator of the Peer-to-Peer Adoption Support Network and the adoptive parent of four children.

"They may have a background that is quite difficult, with trauma, neglect, abuse. There are special challenges in parenting these children, so support is really important to make it as an adoptive family in those situations."

Corbin-Boucher says that's not to paint a negative picture of these children.

"But when you've had some of the experiences they may have had, you kind of need special people to help you grow," she says.

Susan and George Nelson are two of those special people.

The Moncton couple has a dozen children, three biological, eight they've officially adopted, and one who is their son, official document or not.

The New Brunswick Adoption Foundation is holding its third annual Home is Where the heART is! auction tomorrow at 7 p.m. at Kingswood Lodge in Fredericton.

The Nelsons will be speaking about their experience at the fundraiser.

The money raised will go to support the peer network project as well as the foundation's awareness work.

Tickets for the fundraiser are $50 each and are available by calling 832-0676 or e-mailing nbadopt@....

The Nelsons' children range in age from four to 27.

"My husband and I initially were foster parents, but we realized there was a need and we came to love the children," Susan Nelson says. "We ended up adopting most of the children we fostered, in the end."

Nelson says it was never her intention to adopt.

"But once the children came into our home, we felt they needed a permanent home," she says. "That was a big thing for many of the children. They need that sense of love and belonging. Not that it is not provided in foster care, but there is an impermanency. When you're adopted, you know it is forever."

It wasn't always easy.

"In terms of love, the need is the same, but sometimes they have experiences of neglect, abuse and all the things that come with that," Nelson says. "Those are things that are a part of who they are. That is why the peer (support) group is very important because as a parent you are experiencing things that your biological children may not have necessarily experienced."

Corbin-Boucher estimates there are between 1,000 and 1,500 children in the province in foster care, with about 600 available to be adopted at any given time.

She says many of the children who are adopted out of foster care have special needs - learning disabilities, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, attachment disorders, and fetal alcohol syndrome, among others.

"They may have all kinds of other stuff that they're not responsible for, but you as an adoptive parent have to be able to deal with it and help them through," she says. "It is also because of those things that a support network is so important."

Nelson says one has to learn to parent all over again with adoptive children.

"I'm a better parent for adopting. I had to learn how to parent differently. My older kids I parented them probably like my parents parented me, but my adopted children, I've had to learn to parent differently because their needs are different," she says. "What I used to think was black and white, sometimes for an adoptive child, that isn't so clear-cut anymore. It is about changing patterns and behaviours that they may have been taught, without judgement."

Being able to talk to someone who's been there can be a huge help.

"Adopting is like anything else. If you do it in isolation, it is very difficult to do, but if you adopt with the supports in place, it is a really good experience," Nelson says.

She says while it is true her adoptive children have issues her biological children did not, her birth children didn't come with any guarantees either.

"Sometimes when we adopt a child, we are going in with our eyes open, so we are more prepared for it," she says.

Some of the Nelson children came to the family as newborns, others were as old as 12.

Nelson says society's view on adoption isn't always positive and that can be hard to deal with too.

"I have had professionals say to me, 'You can't love them as much as your own,'" she says. "Love grows. I find that people aren't always as aware or mindful of things as they should be. I remember my daughter going to school and someone saying, 'Which are your real brothers?' and she said, 'I don't know. None of them are made from plastic. They are all real.'"

When someone has a new baby, she says, the whole community surrounds and supports them. That doesn't always happen when someone adopts, particularly when they adopt an older child, which is why the support network is so important.

"It is very hurtful. Why is there not that same joy in adopting a child?" she says. "It is your child. This is my son whether he came to me when he was three or came to me born, it doesn't matter. But you don't get the same showers, you don't get that same acceptance. That in itself, when you are working with a peer, it is nice to have somebody that can understand that feeling."

The 18-month pilot project was launched in September and Corbin-Boucher is still in the process of building up a network of experienced volunteers like Nelson to be part of the support network.

"We're looking at developing not only a network of parents, but a relationship with community service providers and other people in the community so we can help each other out," she says.

The hope is the 18-month pilot will help the adoption foundation develop a model that can be expanded and used across the province.

While the one-on-one support from someone who gets what you're going through is invaluable, Corbin-Boucher says they are also working on more straightforward help like compiling a list of available resources and where to go to access them.

Nelson says that would have been a big help to her.

"There is a lot out there had we known it was available," she says. "If you have a collection of adoptive parents who've had experiences that can be shared with new parents, at least you can go in - you can't be too knowledgeable. Once that child is adopted, that new parent is going to be the biggest advocate for that child and that is what these children need. A lot of times these kids have never had that before. They've never had someone stand up and say, 'They are mine and I want the best for them.'"

The Nelsons have seen what a family can do for children.

One of their sons was diagnosed with leukemia at three years old and labelled autistic.

The Nelsons were told he was uneducable. "When he came to live with us, he couldn't speak," she says. "Now he is in his third year of university and heading to Oxford."

She says most of their eight adopted children have some sort of special need.

"But if you met them, you wouldn't know it," she says. "It is a diagnosis, not an excuse."

The peer support network is being funded by the Department of Social Development and the New Brunswick Adoption Foundation.

Anyone interested in becoming a part of the Peer-to-Peer Adoption Support Network, whether as experienced parent or someone looking for support or information, can contact Francoise Corbin-Boucher at 383-3693 or by e-mail at fcorbinboucher@....