Garrett,
I tell you both as a minister/counselor and one who has helped a spouse go
through this: tell your wife how you feel. I am not sure if you already have but
you must. Where do you go for treatment? My wife went to Massachusetts General
Hospital in Boston. Tell your wife that you don't have stregnth left. She will
either accept that and realize what is ahead or she'll freak out like I did and
then she'll be able to accept it later. I knew when my wife could take no more
and accepted that. She was not able fight anymore. That is okay. If your wfe
doesn't know this though she can't help you through it. My wife was 26 when she
passed away and we had a 1 year old son that we had just adopted in August of
last year. Are there other mets besides the lungs? Where was the primary tumor?
Know that you can email me anytime at elliesman2001@.... Your wife can as
well. I may understand things that she is going through that you can not. You
are going through things that she can not
understand as well. You and your family are in my prayers.
Dan

garrettj32 <garrettj32@...> wrote:
Its been a long time since i've even log in or even read some of
the messages that people sent. Why, because at times it is dis-
hearting to read them, whether there from actual patients, family
members or friends. It makes my pain and fear of this disease
worse, so i justed stopped until today. I don't know why i read
your letter, just did.
I have been fighting for two years and counting. Have done the
protocal for ewings, chemo, surgery and radiation. Finished over a
year ago, had 3 mos off then had first c-scan back in july of 03'.
It showed that it had spread to the lungs. What i didn't want to
happen and feared the most because of the research that i had done
throught had.
To hear my doc say "your going to die," is, well, i went numb.
and can't put it into words the emotions that ran through me. The
worst is going home and telling my parents, wife and siblings the
news, and telling them that i will start chemo again. Then to look
at my little boy who was going on 1yr at the time and know that i
could never give up, never stop until every option was used or until
i took my last breath, that i will fight for him. I don't want to
miss out on his life, but at the same time i don't want him to form
a memory of his father always being sick and that's all he knows of
me. At times i say to myself that if i'm to die then i want to go
as quickly as possible so that my son doesn't remember his daddy
this way. Then i slap myself and know that i will keep fighting
because i'm to stubborn not to.
I'm 26 going on 80. my body has taken so much abuse, the chemo,
radiation, surgery and all of the little problems along the way that
it's tired and not much strength left. I dare not show it to my
family, i keep my chin held high and keep pressing forward, fearing
that if they sense how tired i am, the more stress and anxiety they
will have to deal with. My mother has been with me every step of
the way. She too has battled cancer, a survivor of breast cancer
twice. She knows all to well what i'm going through and others of
the like.
Recently i just had surgery to remove tumors from my rt lung, i'm
recoving from it still, will do it again on the lt lung in upcoming
month. As i say the battle rages on.
To all of those going through this, whether your patients, family
or friends no matter how tough it gets, or how much you hurt
physically or emotionally,just remember there is always something to
fight for each day. You just have to remind yourself what they are
from the simplest things to the most important things in life.
Also, i've come to except that no matter how tough you think you
are, and always want to do things on your own, it's not a bad thing
to ask for help. We all need it at some point.


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