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Hi Kathy,
Hugs to you! I am so glad you posted this message. I have been trying to find time to write back. Yes I am beginning to realize more and more each day how our self-esteem that self-worth inside of us is really what determines so much of how we handle daily life. I have for as long as I can remember, constantly tried to get approval from people. As you so appropriately said, crave for acceptance. I look for it from parents, relatives, friends, coworkers, anyone I am in contact with. It is like I am trying to fill this black empty hole inside of me. I am so sensitive to what people say to me, or if I feel "included" or not. Usually I don't see myself as belonging even though they have tried their best to talk to me and invite me to do something with them. Instead I seclude myself and feel unworthy.
I am realizing that I have to find a way to love myself. It is really hard to accept the fact that maybe others can't fill the emptiness, but I have to do it. Not an easy task for me. It scares me and of course the other way seems easier. You have encouraged me. That simple sentence. "My ability to love others." It speaks volumes and reminded me that I was much the same way. I was always trying to be the defender, protector, encourager of the so-called underdog. I didn't and still do not want others feeling like I do. I don't want people to feel so dark and scared and lost. I probably went overboard in my wanting to help others, or sometimes was doing it more to make myself feel good. I think that is part of the reason I lost myself, by trying to do everything for my family and the same at work. Unfortunately, I don't feel strong enough to be a help to anyone right now. It seems like just listening to the news and all the bad stuff tears me down. I can't handle stuff and be tough like I used to be. I do believe in giving love to others, and I know it has to be or rather I want it to be a part of my life. I know I have that need to be caregiver inside of myself. Guess I still need to work on loving me and trying to find a way to balance my wanting to help others, so I don't try to control situations. I have so very far to go.... I don't know if I will ever figure out how to do that. How do you pick yourself up when you feel trampled and weak? It just seems like I'll always be taking pills and in a state of depression and anxiety. That in itself has hit my self-esteem. Right now I am on disability because of everything. It is hard for me to look people in the eyes and feel like I am comparable to them and not something stuck to their shoe. I thank you for writing and encouraging me. I so admire your going back to school and finding some of that peace and joy in your work. I look forward to hearing from you again. I wish you the best, and take care of you! I think you are special.
Hugs,
Sharon
----- Original Message -----From: Happykat316@...Sent: Thursday, October 09, 2003 9:12 PMSubject: Re: [encself] HopeSharon,
Thank you. Thank you for taking the time to share with me. I have wanted to respond over the last few days and just have not been able to find the words. You are a brave woman. I understand so much of what you are saying ... from your childhood to the present. I understand how so much of our self esteem and need to be loved can even destroy us. I too have been plagued with low self esteem and I admit freely that I crave acceptance from my parents (that I will probably never receive) but have over the past three years I have begun to find the value of just being me. I still hurt and I still crave the acceptance. I still become depressed from time to time. I still worry and even at times have anxiety that makes me want to crawl out of my skin. But something... somewhere.... allowed me to see my own value. I know I am a good person regardless of what my parents believe. I know I make bad decisions sometimes but not always. I know that I am worth loving even when they tell me otherwise. You must wonder what it was that allowed me to see me differently... see the value of me.... To be honest the only thing I think it is ... My ability to love others. I want to make sure that others do not feel the things that I feel. I use to say I loved others... and I did. But they (my patients, the victims I volunteered for) taught me to love myself.
I didn't go back to school until I was 38 (I'm 47 now) to get my BA. While I went to school I volunteered for our local Domestic Violence Shelter. I worked part time and was a full time mom and wife. My degree is in Cognitive Studies. I went to work right after I graduated at a locked psych facility. An experience I will always treasure. I learned so much about life... and me... and my family. I worked there for almost 5 yrs. I am now working as a social worker for the elderly. I love it too. I have learned and learn more everyday. They allow me to be the caregiver that I am and with giving to them I give to myself. I believe I am worth something now.
I am telling you this because even now I get down and doubt my worth. I think most humans do. Women talk about it more than men and we feel it deeper than most men. But I know how hard it is to get up in the mornings and act normal. I know how dark depression is and how scary anxiety can be. I just want you to know that you are not alone and that your email of hope is soooo very true. Thank you for sharing and getting me to say hello to a new friend. I hope to hear from you again.
Take care of yourself
always,
Kathy
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